Chapter Seventeen
Pairing: W/T
Rating: R
Angst/Drama Rating: This is about a 7 for some guilt issues using the 1-10 scale.
Setting: Sunnydale - The Summers House
Disclaimer: I in no way, shape or form own the characters from BtVS, they’re owned by Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. All original characters are in no way connected to them except by me in this forum. No money - and trust me I don’t have anything you would want anyway - is involved this is simply for my own pleasure.
Email:
riverwillows@me.comFeedback: Of course I love it, but begging is unbecoming and anything else I could say after that just sounds bad.
Author’s Notes: With the utmost gratitude, I would like to welcome my beta Foreverchanges back from brief hiatus. I would also like to thank Crystal for all her help and encouragement as well, you guys rock! This was an interesting chapter, it was like some of it wrote itself. I didn’t plan on a scene with Anya, yet here one is, things just work out that way sometimes. Musical inspirations during the chapter were as follows: Mumford & Sons “Sigh No More”, Neon Trees “Habit”, the single “The One I Need” by Amber Benson and James Saez (yes, our beloved Tara), and Eminem “Recovery” – particularly “Love the Way You Lie” ft. Rihanna (but it’s all good). On with the show! Honesty [on-uh-stee] – noun, plural -ties.
1. The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness.
2. Truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.
3. Freedom from deceit or fraud.Willow woke first, a bit disoriented. Laying there curled around Tara’s warm body, the previous night’s events replayed in her mind. Emotion began to well up in her, quick and hot, and without realizing it, tears started to stream down her face. She had expected anger, disappointment, maybe even yelling and screaming, but none of that had happened. Instead, she got love, acceptance and happiness. What more could she have hoped for?
Rolling gently away from Tara and onto her back, Willow tried to be quiet and to just ride out her emotions; enjoy them, home really was still home. Tara rolled over to face Willow, she was awake, but didn’t say anything. She wiped away Willow’s tears, and rested her hand over Willow’s heart. Willow glanced at Tara while biting her lip, and taking a shaky breath, she smiled as more tears came.
“Sweetie,” Tara whispered.
Willow turned to her and buried her face in Tara’s shoulder, while she cried silently. Tara lay back pulling Willow with her so she could wrap both arms around her. She stroked Willow’s hair, and rubbed slow, small circles on her back. Finally, Willow kissed Tara’s chest and gave her a squeeze before pulling back to look at her.
“Hi,” she said just above a whisper.
“Hi,” Tara said, “are you okay?”
Willow nodded. “Everything just kind of caught up with me, you know, all at once. I wasn’t sure what last night was going to be like, and I thought it would be more…well,
painful I guess.”
“How are you feeling now? Still a little discombobulated?”
“Mmm, much less so thanks to a certain beautiful blonde, that oh hey, happens to be in my arms right now. How cool is that?” Willow smiled.
Smiling wickedly, Tara asked, “So which part helped? The shower, the bed, the floor under the window? I have carpet burn now, by the way.”
Turning a bit pink, but wiggling just the same, Willow smiled back. “Aww, want me to kiss it, make it better?”
“Mmm, lots of things get better when you kiss them,” Tara purred, dropping a kiss on Willow’s lips, before playfully brushing their noses together.
“Hold that thought my little sex kitten,” Willow said. “Maybe I should just start calling you kitten, would you like that?” Willow asked as she nuzzled Tara’s neck.
“I’ll like anything you want to call me, baby,” Tara breathed as she leaned her head back allowing Willow more skin to nibble on.
Willow growled around a mouthful of Tara’s neck and tugged at it hard enough to leave a mark. “Mine.”
Tara dug her fingers into Willow’s shoulders, leaving little half-moon shapes before roughly scratching down Willow’s back. The pressure from Willow’s mouth increased as her fingers trailed over Tara’s stomach, and when her hand stopped, Tara groaned and dug her nails into the soft skin of Willow’s bottom leaving a matching set of half-moons to go with those on her shoulders.
After enjoying each other’s skin for a few more moments, Willow slid out of the bed, and snatched the robe off the floor; she held it open as an invitation to Tara. When she didn’t immediately move, Willow waved it at her again. “C’mon, my turn to walk backwards.” Willow’s eyes glittered with desire. Tara threw back the covers, stretching slowly while she moved one hand down between her breasts and over her stomach to just skirt around the dark blonde hair between her thighs, before trailing her fingers over her hip.
Tara watched Willow lick her lips repeatedly during her little “stretch,” and smirked as she got out of bed. Easing her arms into the robe Willow held open for her, Tara wasted no time in pressing the length of her body against Willow. Tara dragged her short nails across the backs of Willow’s thighs, up her bottom to her shoulders, and back down again in slow but steady circuits. Willow opened the bedroom door to peer out to be sure the coast was clear, but Tara pushed her out into the hall and began walking her backwards down the hall.
Tara sucked and bit at Willow’s neck, as she moved them quickly, and quietly to their destination. The door closed loudly, and Tara cringed a little; all her movement ceased so she could listen. Willow kept moving though, so Tara swatted her bottom.
“Shh.”
Willow stood still. “What?”
Tara rolled her eyes. “I was trying to be sure we didn’t wake anyone up, because you know, I live with other people, in a house, so we can kinda hear each other?” She chuckled at the look on Willow’s face. “You forgot about that, didn’t you?”
Sheepishly, Willow nodded. “Yeah, I guess I did. I mean, there are obviously other people at The Grove, but sound generally isn’t an issue.” She took the toothbrush Tara handed her, and turned on the shower.
Tara checked the water while they brushed their teeth, and as she rinsed the remnants of tooth paste away, she slipped behind Willow to trail her fingers up and down Willow’s back and hip bones. Willow shivered under Tara’s fingers, a delightful tremor passing through her when Tara’s palms grazed her nipples. She purred and pressed back into Tara, who hungrily watched Willow in the mirror over her shoulder.
“Well, let’s see if I can help you remember how to be quiet,” Tara said, cupping Willow’s breasts in her hands and stepping back towards the shower.
******
Tara was sitting on the island in the kitchen resting her arms over Willow’s shoulders and playing with her hair, as Willow stood between Tara’s legs. They were talking softly to one another as the coffee finished brewing, and Dawn came bouncing into the kitchen with a bright smile for the pair.
“Oooo, nice hickey, Tara,” she quipped, pouring herself a cup of coffee. She turned to lean against the counter. “Oh, how sweet, a matching set.” Dawn snickered as she looked around Tara at Willow, and blew into her coffee before she sweetened it.
Willow’s mouth opened and closed a few times, as she stepped back to let Tara off her perch on the island, before she stuttered out, “Since when do you drink coffee?”
Dawn laughed. “Willow, you don’t have to be shy; I know about the birds and the bees, you know. Got that speech and the ‘now you’re a woman’ one too,” she shuddered, “now
that was embarrassing. You should’ve seen Buffy’s face.”
Willow looked to Tara, who was seemingly nonplussed. She handed Willow a coffee mug and smoothly moved to pour herself a cup. Willow looked down at the empty cup, as Dawn watched her.
“Willow, it’s
love – it’s you and Tara. Do you realize you two are the best example I have of real love?”
Willow’s head snapped up, and she looked to Tara again. Tara just smiled and slid her cup over, taking Willow’s empty one.
Dawn laughed again, shaking her head. “I
do know what you two do behind closed doors. I’ve listened to it loudly, and frequently, for a long time, you seem to forget. I never thought I would miss the sounds of other people making love… and that sounded a whole lot
freakier than I meant it to. What I mean is, I want a love like yours, so do Buffy and Xander. They’re just afraid.”
Dawn stopped to put sugar in her coffee, her gaze steady as she spoke. “Xander is so afraid he’ll mess something up, so he messes it up; self-fulfilling prophecy there. Just look at him and Anya. Buffy…I worry for Buffy. She’s my sister, I love her, but she’s so scared to let anyone get close that I think she may miss the chance when she has it. They both
envy you, they may never admit to it, but you two have set the bar pretty high for love around here.”
After taking several deep drinks, Dawn refilled her cup. Gazing into her cup for a moment, she looked at her friends, her face honest and open.
“I have learned
more about passion just from listening to you, and not just the sex or the love making. I‘ve heard the nightmares, and the tears. The comfort and compassion you share is rare and constant. I’ve seen enough living here on the hellmouth to know that’s true — so have both of you.”
“Dawn…I don’t know exactly what to say, “Willow said softly, sipping her cooling coffee.
Tara was now leaning against the sink. “Dawn, don’t embellish our relationship. It’s not perfect, we have our problems, and we’ll continue to, that’s just life. All relationships do, but we want this to work; we’re just getting back on our feet again.”
“You guys, I know it’s not perfect – again I’ve seen, and I don’t think ‘
perfect’ ever came out of my mouth. It just gives me hope, something to look forward to.” She shrugged.
Willow stepped to Tara and leaned against her.
With a wicked grin, Dawn continued, “Besides, I’m just glad you had clothes on when I came in, I’ve seen enough of your
ass in the last twenty-four hours, Willow, to do me for a lifetime.”
Willow stiffened and turned a shade of red generally reserved for fruit. The mirth was apparent in Dawn’s eyes, as she casually sipped away at her coffee, and watched as Tara turned pink and ducked her head in sympathy. Willow turned abruptly to hide her face in Tara’s shoulder
After a few minutes to let the embarrassment fade, Dawn put her hand on Willow’s shoulder to gently turn her towards her.
“Look, I don’t care if you guys make love in every room of the house…well except my room, because that’s just a bit
ewww; but then the house has been filled with love – real love,” Dawn said sincerely.
Her eyes filling with mischief again, she said, “If you want we can make a chart in different colors for each room and you can check it off as you go, Willow.”
Both Willow and Tara’s jaws dropped.
“Just be sure to wipe stuff down afterwards, ‘cuz you know, again with the
ewww.” With a smirk, Dawn headed for the stairs.
Willow looked at Tara. “Has she been hanging out with Anya too?” Willow stared at Dawn’s retreating form in complete surprise.
“That could be a fun idea sweetie…” Tara said as she sipped her coffee, looking innocently at Willow over the rim of her mug.
Willow turned, cocking her head to one side then the other, and with a shrug said, “I’m game, will we be here long enough?”
******
Willow and Tara were walking back from campus after taking care of the arrangements needed for Tara to work remotely, when they decided to stop at the Espresso Pump for lunch. They took their salads and mocha's to one of the outside tables to enjoy the day, and indulge in a little people- watching. They sat close to one another; their attention focused more on each other than those moving around them.
Tara pushed the remnants of her salad away, sitting back in her chair to watch Willow as she ate. She had a hand resting on Willow’s thigh, absently moving her fingers across the fabric of the soft worn denim. Willow glanced at Tara, noticing the soft smile playing on her lips and flashed a smile of her own.
“What are you smiling at, sweetheart?”
Tara’s smile deepened. “Just you,” she said softly, “always you.” She gave a satisfied sigh and raised her arm to lean her head on her hand.
Willow put her fork down, and wiped her mouth. The sunlight dappled through the awning, catching Tara’s hair and making it shine like honey. Willow swallowed hard as she took Tara’s hand from her thigh, turning it over and gently placing a warm kiss on her upturned palm before lacing their fingers together.
With a wide grin, Willow asked, “Ready to blow this pop stand?”
Tara nodded. “Let’s scoot.”
Throwing their trash away, they leisurely began walking home hand in hand.
“Let’s stop by The Magic Box!” Willow said excitedly.
“Okay…wait, you’re not going to give Anya a hard time are you?” Tara asked seriously.
“What? Wait…oh, nope, not me. No hard time giving today, we’ll save the stern talking to’s for another time, promise. I just thought it might be nice, you know, I haven’t been in ages, because, you know, first out of the country, then out of the state, and you probably want to talk to Anya. So this kills two birds with one stone, but we aren’t actually killing birds. Nope, this is all bird friendly, and friend friendly too.”
“Will, honey, breath,” Tara giggled.
Willow took a deep breath and smiled, “Wow, I haven’t had a good babble in a long time. That felt kinda…normal in fact.” She winked at Tara.
They arrived at the door, and Willow pulled Tara to a stop as she stepped close to her. Wrapping their linked hands behind her back, Willow put her other arm around Tara’s neck and kissed her firmly.
“What was that for?” Tara asked when they parted.
“Do I need a reason to kiss you?” Willow asked in return.
“No, of course not, I love your kisses.”
“Well that’s a relief, because I would hate to force kisses, of all the horrible things, on you,” Willow teased.
“Vixen,” Tara replied, her eyes twinkling.
That earned Tara another kiss. “All yours.”
Tightening her hold on Willow, Tara murmured in Willow’s ear, “Lucky me.”
With a contented sigh, Tara let Willow go and opened the door to the Magic Box. The bell above the door tinkled at their entrance. Willow followed behind Tara and was partly hidden when Anya came out from the backroom.
“Tara!” Anya called out happily as she dropped a box on the counter and rushed over to give Tara a hug.
At first, Willow had hung back a little, allowing the two friends some space before she stepped further into the store. She stood fidgeting with her fingers, as Anya pulled back from Tara and seemed to notice her for the first time. Willow gave one of her little waves, and a nervous smile.
“Willow,” Anya said with a cautious glance at Tara who was smiling, “you’re here. When did you get back?”
“We got back yesterday afternoon,” Tara said, holding her hand out to Willow, who moved slowly to take it.
Anya eyed Willow closely. “Well, it’s good to have you back. Tara looks happy, so you both must be having plenty of orgasms again.”
“Anya, really…” Tara started.
Anya stalked over to Willow, raising her hand to point her finger. “If you
hurt her again, I will take
great pleasure in leaving parts of you scattered all over the seven continents. Do I make myself clear?” she asked with a sinister smile.
Willow nodded and swallowed several times. “Crystal,” she squeaked.
“Good! Really, it is nice to see you.” Clapping Willow on the shoulder, Anya walked back to her box on the counter. “So, how was Arizona, Willow? You’re awfully pale for being in the desert for so long,” Anya said with a bright smile.
The two women talked briefly, Willow eventually wandering off to look around the store to see what was new, and if there were things she might need or could use. Tara filled Anya in on her plans to go back with Willow, to train with the coven there, assuring her they wouldn’t be gone permanently, but this was something she wanted do having been given the opportunity.
Before they left, Willow had amassed a pile of things on the counter; herbs, incense, candles, and some things she thought they would need once they started to train together. Anya bagged up her items, then made her way back around to hug Tara again, and much to Willow’s surprise, Anya hugged her as well.
“Thank you, for taking care of her,” Willow said, just loud enough for Anya to hear.
“Just remember what I said,” Anya murmured, her voice deadly serious.
“There won’t be another time, I promise,” Willow swore as they parted, looking Anya in the eye.
“Good,” Anya replied with a curt nod, as she walked them to the door. She crossed her arms over her chest, and watched them from the doorway as they walked away holding hands.
******
When Buffy and Dawn came into the kitchen, Willow and Tara were sitting close together at the dining room table staring into Willow’s laptop. They both looked up with smiles. Dawn came in quickly giving them both hugs before heading upstairs.
“Hey, what’s the what?” Buffy asked.
“Oh, nothing, just going over coursework for us both; we’ll be back here again when Tara graduates, then over the holidays and again when I graduate,” Willow said.
“When you graduate? Will, isn’t that a long stretch?”
“Uhh, not really Buff, I’ll be done at the end of winter semester,” Willow admitted bashfully.
They could see Buffy doing the mental calculations, and Tara couldn’t hide the proud look that broke out on her face as a result. It was enough for Buffy to confirm her conclusions. With a wry grin, she said, “That’s early—you’re graduating early? Nothing stops The Willster’s quest for knowledge – like, ever - does it?”
“Afraid not Buff, it helped a lot actually. Kept me busy…” Willow trailed off, her eyes dropping back to the laptop screen, staring hard while the muscles in her jaw jumped. Tara brought her hand to Willow’s shoulder before dropping a kiss on her head and rising out of her seat.
“Xander called, he said he would be here at six, and that he’d bring dinner with him, so we’re probably having pizza.”
Buffy watched Willow before replying distractedly, “Uh, yeah probably, Dawn will be happy – he’ll bring anchovy.” Buffy made a face. “I don’t know how she can eat them.”
“I thought we could eat at the table again, it’s just kind of nice, don’t you think?” Tara inquired, trying to draw Buffy’s attention.
“Sure, whatever you like.” Buffy turned to face Tara with a smile. “I’m gonna go get cleaned up a bit.”
Buffy looked at Willow again; several emotions played over her face and she opened her mouth as if she planned to speak, but then thought better of it; with a soft sigh she left the kitchen.
Tara busied herself setting out plates and glasses. She could feel the turmoil in Willow rolling through her, and wondered how much the hellmouth might be amplifying these feelings. Even she could feel a difference, and she had only been gone a week. She surmised that living there full time built a tolerance to the ambient evil. She wondered if a study had ever been done on the residents to see what effect the hellmouth had, then it occurred to her that might have been something of interest to the Initiative, or maybe even the Watcher’s Council, and that it was probably something she really didn’t want to know for her own sake.
Tara moved to the doorway between the kitchen and the dining room.
“Will?”
“Hmm?”
Willow responded but did not immediately look up. When she did, Tara raised an eyebrow in question, her look one of concern.
Taking a deep breath, Willow nodded and went back to staring at the laptop screen.
“When?”
“After dinner is probably best.”
“Okay.”
With less than a dozen words spoken, they both knew that tonight Willow was going to do some explaining, and that the Scoobies were going to have a lot to listen to.
******
As expected, Xander arrived with pizza at exactly six o’clock; quickly, plates and drinks were gathered so everyone could sit down to eat while it was hot. It was obvious that Willow was preoccupied throughout the meal, but no one said anything.
Tara sat next to Willow, across from Xander and Dawn, with Buffy at the head of the table; Willow’s bag and laptop sat at the end like another guest. As the meal wound down, Willow reached for her bag to pull out a small card. Tara recognized the metal implant card; her head dipped knowing this was how Willow was going to begin. Willow pushed the small card across to Xander, then rested her chin on her hand. Tara rose, gathering the plates and went to the kitchen.
Xander looked closely at the card, confusion evident on his face.
“Will, what is this? Metal implant, what are you like bionic Willow now?” His joke fell flat.
Willow motioned that he should pass the card to Dawn. Dawn didn’t even look at the card before handing it to Buffy, her eyes locked on Willow.
Tara came back and reclaimed her seat next to Willow, folding both her hand in front of her on the table. Meanwhile, Buffy stared at the card, her face going blank.
“Would you like to tell us what this is, Will?” she asked without looking at Willow.
Willow took one of Tara’s hands, before saying softly, “It’s a metal implant card that I have to carry with me when I fly. I set off metal detectors because of the rod and six pins in my left leg.”
The Scoobies just stared at Willow waiting for her to continue; the room had gone so silent you could almost hear the heartbeats of the people occupying it.
Willow glanced at Tara, who smiled in reassurance.
“I should start at the beginning, and as I get further into this it won’t be pleasant, but I owe you guys an explanation. You all deserve to know why, why I left, why I stayed gone, and why Giles would only tell you what he did. It was all at my request, so, uhh… I don’t know about you but I need something else to drink before I start.” Willow stood, looking around the table. “Xan, a beer maybe? Buffy? Dawn?” She looked down at Tara.
“Yeah, Will, a beer sounds good,” Xander said quietly.
“Okay, last chance.” Willow was trying to keep her tone light.
Buffy and Dawn shook their heads.
“I think I’ll have one too, sweetie,” Tara said. Buffy shot her a look; knowing she didn’t often drink only served to make Buffy’s face darken with concern.
“Maybe that should be a round then, Will,” Buffy commented, “and no, you don’t get one too,” she said, shooting a look at Dawn.
“Okay, then how about a coke, Dawnie?” Willow said, slipping into the kitchen.
Everyone looked at Tara, and she looked back at everyone evenly, her expression open.
“It’s her story to tell, guys,” she said simply.
Willow came back in with a tray, carrying the drinks. Stopping near Tara, she began handing them out before sitting down with her and finally handing Xander his beer.
Willow looked around the table again, and after taking a long drink, began with a question. “What do you know about what happened after Buffy was shot, I mean what happened with Warren?”
Xander spoke, “The gun misfired and blew up in his face, killing him.”
Willow nodded, “Did any of you actually see Warren?”
“Well, no, I don’t think so.” Xander answered for everyone again.
Willow played with the label on the bottle, and started again. “That’s not
exactly what happened,” she sighed, and took another swig from her beer. “When Tara and I came downstairs that day, we, we were standing looking out into the back yard. I watched him, I saw it all. We heard the yelling and the first shot from the gun. I had already started to draw on my Magicks, I didn’t even think about it, I just did it. He was firing wildly, and everything seemed to slow down. His eyes were…insane and so full of hate, I could
smell it coming off of him in waves.”
Willow stopped, took several breaths, and another drink; she was staring at the table so hard a hole should have formed under her gaze.
“I saw his last bullet fire, and he looked at me. It was like something out of The Matrix, I could see the spin, and I could see the energy behind it, the path it was going to take. It would have hit Tara; I pushed her out of the way and screamed—just screamed at him, ‘
You will not hurt her!’—I had just gotten her back; there was no way I was going to let this little
cretin take her from me.” Willow pounded her bottle on the table and stood, no longer able to just sit. The pain in her voice made it obvious that she was actually seeing it all over again.
“I drew on everything I had learned from fighting Glory, everything I had, and I stopped the bullet. I put all my fear and anger into that
one act. I turned the bullet; I pushed it back through the gun and put it right between his eyes. I watched the surprise bloom in them and the light vanish from them in less than thirty seconds. I dropped to my knees; I could
feel the hatred boiling under my skin, the
want to hurt him. It was starting to take over when I looked up at Tara, and I saw fear in her eyes. Then everything changed and I thought I was going to be sick.”
Willow continued to pace, her hands shoved deep into her pockets and her head down. She whispered, “Tara feared me, the one person in the
entire world I never wanted to see that in…and she feared me.” Willow looked up for the first time and looked around the table.
A hardness entered Willow’s eyes as she looked around the table and a flatness her voice. “I killed him, and I’d do it again.”
Xander gripped his bottle hard, before emptying it in one long swallow. Tears ran down Dawn’s face, but Buffy’s was still a blank mask – no expression, just watching Willow pace in front of her.
“It took less than two minutes for me to dump everything I had worked for, to call on everything dark I could get my hands on. I don’t regret
what I did; I regret
how I did it. If I could have stopped him before he fired the first shot I would have done it in a
heartbeat.”
Willow slumped down into the chair next to Tara; everyone seemed to be holding their breath, while Willow continued.
“I called Giles; I didn’t know what else to do. I hated what I saw in Tara’s eyes, and for being the one that put it there... well to even think of it makes me sick. Giles called the Council, and they agreed to help me, so off I went to England. That’s when I decided I’d had enough of the Magicks altogether. It wasn’t long afterwards that happened.” Willow gestured to the card in front of Buffy.
Buffy tapped the card. “I guess it wasn’t like when you stopped before was it?”
“No, Buff, it wasn’t. I drew on larger amounts of energy. It wasn’t even like the energy I was using when…you were gone. Because I had, at that moment, opened myself up, I was sorta like a sitting duck. I wasn’t like Tara, I didn’t know the difference in what I was using, so I had no way to protect myself. I hadn’t bothered to learn the most basic thing – how to protect myself, while I learned haphazardly how to protect you all.”
Buffy nodded as Tara pushed her beer in front of Xander. Xander took a long swallow before handing it back, and Dawn sat pale faced and wide eyed.
“You’re saying you weren’t ‘
like’ Tara, are you saying you are now?”
Willow smiled, “Yes and no, but I’ll come to that later. This is where it gets rougher to hear.” Willow emptied her bottle and began peeling the label away from the glass.
”You guys need to know this. Both of my shoulders have been dislocated more than once from the muscle spasms, I’ve also torn the rotator cuff in my left arm because of them. My right ankle broke, and my left leg fractured, hence my
nifty little card. Often I couldn't eat, it just wouldn’t stay down. More often than not, I couldn’t sleep, and when I did, I wished I hadn’t.”
Willow took Tara’s hand again. “There were points where Giles would have to hold me down so I could be sedated, partly to deal with the muscle spasms because they were so severe, partly to feed me intravenously, and partly so I could sleep – he had to
make me sleep. I couldn’t focus, and sometimes I would hallucinate. I don’t know how many times I picked up the phone to call; I wanted so badly to talk to you all, but what was I going to tell you? How could I explain over the phone? So I just thought you were all better off not knowing until I could explain, that maybe then you wouldn’t think I was a
complete monster for what I’d done.”
Everyone sitting at the table was now in tears. Buffy downed half her beer in one swallow then offered the bottle to Dawn, who just looked at her and shook her head.
Sniffling, and wiping her eyes, Willow took a shuddering breath before pushing on. “That took six months, six of the longest months of my life. I thought then, I was finally free, and started thinking about coming back. Giles came to me, and started going on about this coven in Arizona, saying that they had agreed to help me start over, to begin again. I thought he was crazy and told him so. I was done, no more with the witchy ways for me, I’d had enough and
literally had the scars to prove it. That’s when he explained that I was
different, fundamentally
changed. He said the Magicks were a part of me now, and no matter where I went, that wouldn’t go away. Now I needed to be taught how to use my gift, how to control it and myself, how to be better than I was.”
Buffy’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean changed, Will, are you a demon now?”
Willow actually laughed, and glanced at Tara, remembering some of the conversations they had shared. They smiled at each other.
“Nope, one hundred percent all girl, all the time…just all witchy all the time too.”
“Will ,that’s bad though, right? You left to get away from it…” Xander trailed off.
“It’s okay, Xander, really – I’m okay. I can’t get away from it; like I told Tara, it’s a part of me now, like my DNA. I can no more change it than you can change the color of your eyes, but I’ve learned how to be…
better,” Willow said with a shrug. “I’m
stronger than before, but I have
far more control. I also have more
defenses, too.”
Willow waited while this sunk in before she got up and went into the kitchen, coming back with a bowl.
“Watch.” Willow placed the bowl under her hand and began to concentrate. The air around her hands shimmered and slowly a snowball appeared. She looked at the Scoobies and met each of their eyes in turn so they could see there had been no change in her; no darkening of the eyes, no draw from dark Magicks. Her bright green eyes twinkled back at them. Willow held onto the snowball long enough for it to start to melt and drip.
With a wet plop she dropped it into the bowl. “It’s real, it’s snow. You can touch it,” Willow said as she slid the bowl to the middle of the table.
“Are you going to tell them where it’s from?” Tara teased.
“Oh, sure.” Willow pinched some of the snowball off, and much like she did with Tara, she dropped it into her mouth and stuck out her tongue so they could see it melting before she swallowed it. “Ooo, this is local, well fairly, it’s from northern Colorado.”
Xander’s jaw dropped. “You can tell that from…the taste of it?”
Willow nodded and grinned.
“Mine was Canadian,” Tara said as she took some of the snowball too, and offered the bowl around the table. Dawn was the first taker, then Buffy, while Xander just watched the women around the table seeming to take this all in their stride.
“Tastes like snow to me. How can you tell?” Dawn asked.
“To be honest, I can’t describe what tells me exactly, but it’s something to do with the water. It’s almost like I can taste the very moisture that formed the snowflakes. Lady Rowan says it’s an unusual gift.”
“Lady Rowan?” Buffy asked, taking some of the snowball.
Willow nodded. “She’s my High Priestess – coven leader, she’s also been the one I’ve worked with most closely. You’d like her, she looks like somebody’s grandma, but boy, don’t let that fool you. I wouldn’t want to piss her off then meet her in a dark alley. She knows more than Giles about the craft, which is saying something since I thought Giles knew it all - well maybe not all, but a lot. She’s who Tara will train with when we go back.”
Willow fell silent and looked at her friends anxiously.
“Now you know why I left like I did, and why I stayed away. I wanted to make sure that when I came back I wouldn’t make things worse for you or for myself. Now you know it
all…” Her voice was barely a whisper.
“Willow, you’re back for now and you’re trying to convince me that this is all of the good? That doesn’t make any sense; you left to get away from magic, then you go to some coven to relearn everything you left to get away from. How is that good?” Xander said.
“Xander, you saw her – it wasn’t like before, and it didn’t feel like before. It’s not the same,” Dawn argued. “You can’t say what you just saw was anything like before.”
“Just because it wasn’t like before doesn’t mean it’s
good either, Dawn. Buff…”
“Xander, I didn’t feel her,” Buffy said quietly.
“What?”
“I said I didn’t
feel her, I didn’t feel the pull around us. Whatever Willow just did, as far as I can tell, she in no way pulled from anything dark, I would have felt that. I’ve felt it before, when she went after Glory. I didn’t put it two and two together at first and when I did, well, it didn’t seem to matter, there were more important things to worry about.”
Everyone but Willow spoke at the same time.
“
What?”
“
You knew?”
“
Buffy!”
Buffy and Willow looked at each other. A wisp of a smile played on Willow’s lips. Buffy was finally confirming what Willow had really always known.
“I knew, I just didn’t know what to do to stop her, or if it was possible, or if I wanted to. I wasn’t going to stand in the way of her getting you back, Tara. After what Glory had done, watching you…it didn’t just hurt Willow. I saw what she was studying, I had a clue and I let it slide. Willow, you seemed to be in control, I had no idea how
not in control you were. I don’t even want to say I’m sorry because that would negate everything you did to bring Tara back, everything that happened after...” Buffy sighed. “I realized too late the toll it was taking on you, Willow. For that I
am sorry.”
“And the
fun just keeps
leavin',” Xander said as he slammed his bottle down in front of him as he got up from the table and left, and Dawn jumped when the front door slammed behind him.
Willow wiped her face, and tossed the little card into her open bag. “I’m tired, I’m going to bed. Baby, are you coming?”
Tara was staring at Buffy with a look of resignation, she realized now that she wasn’t the only one who had seen Willow begin to spiral out control without doing anything to help her. “Ah, yeah, I’m coming, sweetie.”
Willow walked behind Dawn and kissed her on the head.
“Goodnight,” Tara said, squeezing Dawn’s shoulder as she went by, but it was tinged with guilt for herself and her friend.
Dawn stood. “I should get some sleep too.”
“’Night,” Buffy said softly. She was left sitting alone, and hung her head for a moment as the silence crept further in and the power of Willow’s words slipped out from around her. She didn’t wait long before leaving on patrol to dust something.
TBC…