Changing your Goals (AU) (Update May 18, 2011)

[angieb86]

In My Mind: I don't know how in the frilly heck I missed the last update!! But I loved it!

And this one... Willow. Shower. Yes, Please! Smokin' hot...and hopefully Tara will have her own little shower scene soon??? *nudgenudgewinkwinksetsoffthreeromancandles*


The First Steps: Like I've said before, I absolutely love that Tara's father isn't a complete and utter monster. And even though at times their relationship is strained, he loves his daughters. And it makes my heart happy.
And a big honkin' WOOOT to Faith! I wish I had a hot professor...I wouldn't miss a DAY of class! I really like reading stories that have Faith and Willow as close friends; their dynamics are so opposite, but they mesh well (to me, anyway). And who doesn't love Faith?

Hit me with the next chapter!! I'm ready.

~Angela

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... I truly hope that Willow is soon able to experience real Tara-loving... I wonder who the mysterious person in Willow's room is...

[wimpy0729]

Oh my, that was "steamy" and now my mind is all fogged up. Glad Willow got to finish before that other person interrupted her. Probably not much privacy there, but at least she has her own room. Now, who the heck is the person making themselves comfortable on her bed, hmm?? Can't wait to find out!


Wimpy

[love_2003]

Loving the updates. Was worried you had forgotten about this story. Glad to see that Tara still wants to correspond with Willow. Wondering who it is that is there to see Willow.

[KioNewgo]

Oh, loved the shower scene haha.
I really want to know who was there! Silly cliffhangers :')
Great update! !

[Ariel]

Hi, Cy!

Hey, hey, hey! We've reeled me in with this story.

I loved the break-up scene. Well done and intriguing. Valid look at an older Tara.

Also liked the dialogue, great humor too!

I'm genuinely interested in T's growth, she and Buffy's friendship, and (OF COURSE!) W/T goodness to follow.

I want to see it develop and know you'll take us down an interesting path.

Also like that the issue of individuality and relationship is on the table; something the show never really got into but it's a fact of life.

All in all, lovely journey - thanks!!!!

Ariel

[Cyteach]

Hey Kittens, I have an update for you below!

Sorry for the wait... I had a tough couple of weeks and my mindset wasn't anywhere near the right place to continue on with this.

Thank you so much for your feedback and your continued reading of my little story. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to leave comments... keep 'em coming!

Warning: This next part is a little different from other updates. It's angst-ridden and it touches on sensitive subjects such as suicide and abuse. Please skip this section if these topics are going to cause you discomfort or pain.

A/N: I'm looking for someone to do a little beta work for me on this story. If anyone is interested, mention it below or send me a PM. I'd be happy to return the favor for you if you have a need for a beta too!

Chapter 16: At the edge of the ocean


******

The whitecap waves crashed furiously against the well-worn cliffs in the distance as Tara sat upon a stone wall overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and let the booming noise of the water sweep over her. She had been travelling for about five weeks now and had made her way from South Dakota, up north through to Canada and began travelling east through the massive country.

She made the decision early on to drive for a portion of a day and would then find a small out-of-the-way place to set up for a day or two and explore her surroundings. Tara spent time in woodlands and flatlands, tundra and massive forests, never once opting to spend any period in a large metropolis as she steadily made her way towards the ocean.

As a child growing up in a landlocked state, the water was something that Tara always felt drawn to because of its distinct lack of presence in her life. It held an almost fairytale-like wonder for her as something that she knew was real, but could not prove its existence for herself. Water was imperative to life and living things, and it became a symbol for the blonde as she continued her journey towards finding her place in the world and peace within herself.

Tara’s metaphorical voyage had left her, at times, paralyzed and unable to move from the bed she had procured for that time and place. The memories of her childhood had overwhelmed her and her values and belief system had destroyed her sense and definition of who she was. Self-concept was a tricky thing. You could build your life around who you thought you were and how you thought you fit within the world, but if that all came crashing down, you kind of just floated there, in space, without a sense of definition, belonging, or importance.

This was the puzzle Tara set out to solve. Who exactly was Tara Maclay? How had her experiences—or lack thereof—defined her place in the world? How much of her personality and belief system was influenced by the trauma of her childhood? Did this atrocity define her? Was it a part of her? Tara read once that we are defined by all of our experiences and that no one is exactly an individual in this world because of the influences that other people have on us from birth. So you can say you’re an individual and feel safe in the assumption that no one in the world has had experienced the exact same thing as you and that makes you unique. But that is not necessarily the case. You cannot exist alone in a bubble without the outside world and the people within it affecting who and what you are. It was this enlightening doctrine that finally broke Tara.

Sitting on a stone wall and listening to the booming crash of whitecap waves try and make their way on shore, Tara contemplated the meaning of life and her existence within it; quite the philosophical meandering for a woman in her mid-twenties. She also contemplated what it would mean to the world if she was no longer in it. Was it worth the paralyzing pain and the immense work ahead to try and rebuild a life—one that had no resemblance to the one that she had lived up to now? Would anyone know—or care—if she slipped over the edge of this wall, down over the frozen grass to the edge of the cliff and over it into the soothing foam of the waves? Was she worth the time or the dedication that it would take to start all over again?

Cold tears trickled steadily down her wind burnt face as Tara swung her legs over the wall and jumped the short distance to the ground. She stared out towards the horizon where a flattened bed of rock lay jutting out into the unforgiving ocean. Above it in the distance, a few small houses dotted the landscape. She thought of the people who lived there in that little fishing village and of their history of toiling and trying to eke out a living from the temperamental waters. She wondered if anyone had ever tried to make it to that outcropping of granite to lie on the wet surface to let the ocean streamed up and over it and their prone body; to offer themselves to the immensity of the tides.

As Tara took another step toward the edge of the cliff and the flat rock in the distance, the phone in her pocket began to jingle and vibrate. Deciding it was a sign of fate, she plopped unsteadily unto the hard damp ground and hauled the offending device out to look at the screen.

“Willow,” she whispered as she saw the redhead’s name flash across the screen. Tara cleared her throat, wiped the tears from her eyes and ran her hands over her windswept hair in attempt to tame the wind’s terror. Shaking her hair at her foolish gesture, Tara whispered to herself, “Get with it Tara. It’s not like she can see you right now.”

Hitting the answer button of the phone, she put it to her ear and greeted the redhead on the other end.

“Hi, Willow.” Tara’s voice came out in a shaky whisper. Clearing her throat again in an effort to remove the sound of tears from her voice, she added, “How are you, sweetie?”

“Tara? Where are you? I can barely hear you over the noise. Hey! How’d you know it was me?” Willow questioned switching topics rapidly. Before the blonde could answer any of her queries, the redhead continued, “Right, caller id. Duh! You’d think for a computer whiz and a Ph. D holder I’d be quicker on the uptake.”

Tara let the calming influence of the redhead’s babble rush over her like the waves of the ocean on a peaceful summer’s day. She closed her eyes and tried to take a deep breath, but the wind was fierce and it caught in her throat. Suddenly Tara couldn’t breathe and her fear was overwhelming. Fear of letting her budding relationship with Willow go, of abandoning her little sister, of leaving behind her father and Buffy.

She didn’t know where her courage came from, but the necessity and drive to want to be better overtook Tara’s normal docility and she cried in an anguished plea, “Willow. Willow, I need help. I need you.” And immediately broke down into heart-wrenching sobs, clutching the phone—her lifeline—to her face.

“Tara? Tara, baby, where are you? I’ll come get you. I’m leaving now,” Willow continued as she shoved her belongings into a duffle bag. She scrambled around the room with tears running down her face at the sounds travelling over the telephone connection.

“Baby, you have to tell me where you are. I can’t come and get you if I don’t know where you are. I know you were heading east, you told me that much when we last talked, where are you baby?” Willow pleaded in an effort to get something other than sobs out of the blonde.

With the soothing voice of Willow acting as a temporary band-aid over her oozing wounds, Tara tried to force her body to stop its wracking tears. “I-I’m I’m in Canada. I-i-i-n a province called Newfoundland—“

“What! You’re in Newfoundland, baby? Oh, baby I’m coming to get you. I’m in Newfoundland too,” Willow cried as she made her way towards the SUV that she had rented for her stay in Ferryland. She had been to this dig site once before when she was an undergrad and decided to return to spend her field time this year here trying to uncover more of the settlement of George Calvert, Lord Baltimore. The similarities between the settlement here and the one he later founded in Maryland after the hard Newfoundland conditions were too much was the subject of a book she was working on.

Shaking herself out of her interruption, Willow asked desperately as she backed out of the winding driveway to the road, “Honey, Tara? Where are you in Newfoundland? I’m in Ferryland about an hour from the capital city. Where are you?”

Thinking of the outcrop of rocks lying flat against the ocean and the subsequent name of the town, Tara whispered in the phone, “Flatrock.”

Silence stretched between the women as Willow plugged the name of the town into her GPS system. She waited impatiently and whispered “Come on, come on” under her breathe as the device loaded up the quickest possible route. Willow’s breath whooshed out a sigh of relief when the screen said she was less than 150 kilometers away from Tara.

“I’m close, baby. Less than two hours away, okay? I’m in the car and I’m driving to you now and I’m not going to hang up this phone until I have you.” Willow concentrated on the twisting narrow road in front of her as she sped past the idyllic scenery.

*******

“Are you safe, baby?” Willow asked as she continued through each passing town thankful that it was the afternoon of a weekday and the traffic was light. “Can you find somewhere nearby that’s safe and wait for me there? Can you go inside out of the cold for me, baby?” The wind whistling through the other end of the phone let Willow know that Tara was still outside and that she was in an area without protection from the elements. Thinking of the cliffs surrounding the dig site where she had spent the last two months, Willow deduced that Tara was near the frightful ocean.

“Tara? Can you get away from the ocean? The waves are dangerous and can sweep you up without warning. Go to higher ground next to the road and wait for me there. I’m just driving through St. John’s right now, baby, and I’ll be there before you know it. Come on, love. Get up there to higher ground, okay. Willow’s coming for you now.”

Tara had spent the entire time since Willow first called lying on the cold frozen ground on the other side of the stone wall next to the edge of a cliff that overlooked the Atlantic Ocean. She was numb and the only thing keeping her aware was the sound of Willow’s voice coming through the phone that was clutched in her right hand.

“I-I-I c-can’t move, Willow,” Tara’s voice came out in a quiet creak. Her body was immobile from the position she had been in for the past hour and a half. “Come down and get me, please. Drive through the town until you see the Grotto on your left. D-directly across from t-that is a stone wall. I’m on the other side of the wall. You can’t see me from the road. Please, Willow,” Tara pleaded as her tears continued to leak from the corner of her eyes.

“I’m close, baby. I’ll be there soon. I’m not hanging up. I’m right here with you, honey.” Willow’s grip tightened on the steering wheel as she comprehended what Tara had said about her location. Thinking of the potential of harm coming to the woman she loved, Willow sped up and screeched her tires going around a wide turn. Up ahead was a green sign with one white word adorning across its expanse: Flatrock.

“Ok baby, I’m here. I’m in Flatrock now. I just have to find the Grotto and then I’ll come down and get you, okay? I’m so close Tara, just hold on for me.” The SUV revved its engine as Willow accelerated up a steep incline. A sign for Our Lady of Lourdes Grotto appeared on her left with an arrow pointing the way. Swivelling her head to the right side of the road, Willow noticed an open space with a faded stone wall stretching for about 300 feet. She turned the wheel sharply and slammed on the brakes with a squeal as she ran from the still running vehicle.

“Tara baby, hear that? That’s me, honey. I’m here. I’m going over the wall now.” Willow dropped her phone in her leap over the wall and skidded down over the frozen hill as she saw the prone form of her beloved wrapped up in a cherry red ski jacket. Tara was lying in the fetal position with her knees to her chest. When Willow reached her side she crouched down and gently turned Tara over to face her.

“Y-you’re here. You f-found me,” Tara whispered her eyes still leaking tears. Her pain-filled blue eyes met relieved green ones as the two women stared at each other on a cliff near the Atlantic Ocean as the ferocious waves crashed against the rocks below.

Taking the blonde in her arms and leading her up and over the stone wall Willow hugged Tara to her side and quietly stated, “I’ll always find you, Tara. I’ll always find you.”

*******

TBC[/b]

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... Big yay for Tara being in Willow's arms... I hope Tara tells Willow everything so they can start working on their relationship and Willow can start mending Tara shattered mind...

[KioNewgo]

This chapter had me in tears! Absolutely amazing.
I felt so sorry for Tara. I'm glad Willow's with her now. Hopefully Tara will tell Will everything and maybe feel better...or not.
Oh, and a couple of weeks or a couple of months, you're updates are well worth the wait .

[Ariel]

Cyteach,

Huge and powerful; ocean great metaphor for our girl's stormy life.

Deeply moving.

Thank you.

Ariel

[LonelyTara]

I'm still reeling here. This was, as has been said, a immensely visually evocative chapter. It is always difficult to read the experience of someone in so much despair that they think the world wouldn't miss them--there are so many places where people can just disappear from the world without anyone ever understanding why. I'm grateful that fate intervened, and that Willow came to get her girl.

[JustSkipIt]

How very wretching. I love that Tara felt like she could ask for what she needed from Willow. Gosh, it's good Willow wasn't in Egypt or something.

Well done.

[Cyteach]

Thank you, Kittens, for your continued support of my story! I'm on a roll right now with the pacing and storyline so I hope to update more quickly, so check back often!

This update continues with a similar darkness and angst... BEWARE!

Feel free to leave feedback.... Please



Zampsa1975: Willow will help Tara, but it may be a drawn out process. i;d like to give Tara's situation the attention and detail it deserves. Thanks so much for your continued reading and feedback!

KioNewgo: Thanks so much for your comments. It was a strenuous chapter to write, but I think a glimpse into Tara's pain is needed for a true relationship to bloom. Thank you so much for reading (and waiting patiently!)

Ariel; Welcome! Thanks for your comments. I actually live near the Atlantic and it's quite the spectacle... fitting for the situation Tara is in right now.

LonelyTara: Many a person have lost themselves to the lure of the ocean. Thank you so much for your kind review and I hope you continue reading. Willow's sticking by Tara, but she'll have to fight to get through to her.

JustSkipIt: Thanks for commenting...I was aiming for tragic emotion from this past chapter and I'm glad it came across. I played with the idea of having Willow far far away from Tara, but the girls seem to be drawn to each other in a way that wouldn't allow that. Good thing, hey?

This one is a little longer than my previous posts... I hope I didn't mess with the flow of things too much....

Chapter 17: Breaking

*******

Tara hadn’t said a word since Willow had loaded her into the passenger seat of the SUV. When the blonde didn’t make a move to fasten her seatbelt, Willow leaned over Tara’s stiff body and placed the safety mechanism in its proper place before settling herself.

“Tara? Honey, are you staying somewhere? We need to get you warm and out of those damp clothes,” Willow stated quietly so as not to jolt the blonde. She didn’t know what exactly had happened but the redhead could feel her heart pounding manically inside her chest. Willow felt lightheaded and terrified from the sight of Tara’s prone body lying so close to the edge of the cliff. The image flashed continuously through her sluggish mind.

Without words, Tara slowly reached her hand into the inside pocket of her coat and removed a key card and handed it to Willow. A large ‘BH’ adorned the front of the card in an ocean blue color and the words ‘Puffin Cottage’ in script flowed underneath. “Thanks,” Willow whispered softly and began to plug the words into the GPS on the dashboard.

Looking at Tara one more time and gently touching the side of her face in a caress, Willow put the vehicle into reverse and cautiously backed onto the road facing in the direction she just came from.

“We’re not far from where you’re staying, Tare,” Willow’s voice filled the silence as they continued down a long stretch of road. “About ten minutes and they we’ll have you all warmed up. I’ll see if they have a room at the Beach House for me, too, so I can be nearby. How does that sound?”

Tara made a sound so soft that Willow had trouble hearing it over the sound of their combined breathing and the roar of the V8 engine. “What’s that, honey? I can’t quite hear you,” Willow replied glancing at the angelic façade of the woman next to her. Willow still couldn’t quite believe the fact that Tara was here in this remote place at the same time she was stationed here for a dig.

“I-I said, I d-don’t want to be a-a-alone. P-please. St-stay with me.” Tara stared straight out the windshield as she stated this slightly louder than the background noise.

“Okay, I’m not going anywhere. Don’t worry,” Willow assured her as they neared their stop. The redhead slowed her approach as the ocean came back into view and brightly colored cottages dotted the rugged landscape. She read the wooden nameplates on the front of the cottages and finally spotted ‘Puffin’—a bright, happy yellow.

“Home sweet home, honey,” Willow murmured as she pulled in the driveway behind a small red compact car. “This your rental, Tara?”

The blonde nodded her head slowly and she reached for the seatbelt fastener and pushed the release button. She was having trouble moving her limbs and didn’t know if it was because of the numbing cold that still pervaded her body or the memories and doubts that flashed through her mind.

By the time Tara reached for the door handle, Willow was already there to help her out of the SUV. “Careful, there’s a little jump,” Willow said in a soft voice as she helped Tara to the door of her cottage. Taking the key from her jacket pocket, Willow inserted it into the electronic reader and waited for a green light to single its acceptance.

She pushed the door open and led Tara to the nearest seat—which happened to be the immense bed that was the centerpiece of the main room. Floor to ceiling windows occupied the western wall of the room with a breath-taking view of the raging ocean outside. Willow searched the walls for the thermostat and pushed the lever to the maximum level. Tara’s pale coloring was causing her worry and the blonde’s shivering had not stopped since she first saw her a half hour ago.

Oh Tara, what have you done? What happened to bring you here to the edge of the Earth? I hope you know that you’re stuck with me now. I’m not leaving, even if you tell me to.

Willow took Tara’s freezing hands within her own and rubbed furiously, trying to bring some warmth to the appendages. “I’m going to try and get you warm now, okay? I’m going to take you out of your jacket and help you change into some dry clothes, how does that sound?” Willow asked and she proceeded to lower the zipper of the cheery red ski jacket. The cheerfulness of the color of the jacket was not lost on the redhead.

The quilt folded on the edge of the bed was gently lifted from under Tara and wrapped around the shivering woman. Willow opened the faded suitcase that lay on the floor near the nightstand and riffled through looking for something warm and comfortable to dress Tara in. Flicking through jeans and undergarments, Willow finally settled on a well-worn pair of gray sweatpants—the ones Tara wore on that faithful ‘Twister’ night—and an oversized deep blue hoodie sweater.

Willow went back to where Tara continued to sit in the exact same position. She brought the blonde to her feet and reverently cupped her pale cheeks in her hands. “Tara? Baby, look at me.” She waited for the blue orbs to settle on her own eyes. The vacant stare coming from the once lively eyes was enough to make Willow choke back a sob. Straightening herself mentally, Willow resolved to help bring that light come back into Tara’s azure eyes.

“We’re going to get you out of these damp clothes now, okay? Can you stand up for me, honey? That’s it,” Willow crooned as Tara rose to her feet slowly. “Arms up. Okay, here comes the warm fuzzy sweater.” Willow continued as she finally got Tara situated in dry clothes. “There! Let’s get you all wrapped up under the covers now, okay? You have a chill, honey.”

Tara lay there under the mountain of bedclothes and wondered how she could ever deserve the gentle and loving ministrations from the woman before her. She should just tell Willow to leave now, that she didn’t warrant love or kindness from anyone.

Tears seeped quietly down Tara’s reddening cheeks and Willow let out an audible sigh of relief. Finally she saw some evidence of emotion from Tara. The blonde was stuck in a catatonic state since the first sentence she uttered to Willow over three hours ago. She sat on the bed on top of the covers and tenderly brushed away the continuous stream of tears that fell from Tara’s eyes.

She gathered the blonde within her warm embrace and compassionately rocked her back and forth. “It’s going to be okay, honey. I’m here now and I won’t leave ever again, I promise. You’re stuck with me now and I’m not going anywhere.”

The tears persistently fell from Tara’s eyes and were soon joined by wracking sobs when she allowed herself feel the love and warmth coming from the redhead. She turned from her position on her back and curled herself towards Willow and permitted the comforting sound of the redhead’s voice and the stroke of her delicate hands to wash over her like the heat from the summer’s sun. Soon, drained from the backlash of adrenaline that rushed through both their bodies that afternoon, the intertwined women drifted off into a darkened sleep.

******

Sweat rolled down Tara’s body as the overwhelming heat quickly brought her out of her sleep state. She froze immediately when she realized she was intricately enfolded into a pair of unfamiliar arms. The memories of that day’s events rolled over her and suddenly she felt closed in and unable to breathe. She flipped the covers back and none too gently extracted herself from Willow’s arms and swung her feet out of the bed. Tara’s body bent in half as she pushed her head between her knees in an effort to regain a steady breathing pattern.

It was in this position that Willow found Tara as she was abruptly awoken from her deep sleep. She wasn’t sure if Tara knew she was awake so she tried to make as much fuss as possible in untangling herself from the covers. Willow shifted across the bed and before laying a hand on Tara’s shoulder, whispered softly, “Tara? Are you okay, honey?”

The blonde wanted to laugh frenziedly at just how much she wasn’t okay. At least my brain is functioning again, she thought to herself and tried to stifled the bubbling maniacal laughter that tore up her throat. Tara’s body shook with unvoiced hysteria.

“Tara?” Willow’s voice was soft but a strong hint of concern filled the air in the darkened room. Dusk was approaching and the natural light that had filled the small cottage earlier had reduced the room to shadow-filled corners and unintelligible space. Shifting herself so that she was now positioned along the right side of Tara’s body, Willow tentatively ran her hand up and down the blonde’s sweater-encased arm and rested it on top of her shaking shoulder.

The hysterical laughter quickly turned to uncontrollable tears as Tara allowed herself to be comforted. She pushed her way into Willow’s lap and curled her body around the redhead’s welcoming warmth. She woke up in a state of crushing heat and now she felt a bone-deep cold seeping through her body. She didn’t deserve to have this unconditional acceptance from Willow.

Willow who had never once pushed for the blonde to disclose what happened that day. Nor was she looking for answers to why they were there—in Newfoundland of all places—sitting on a bed facing the expanse of the Atlantic Ocean that continued to churn just outside the picture windows that dominated the room. Willow thought of how close she was to losing Tara and shivered herself at the sense of loss that permeated through her at the idea. Shifting slightly, Willow wrapped her arms more securely around Tara’s body and soothed her the best way she could.

******

Inky blackness pervaded from the large windows of the cottage. Dusk had settled into night without either woman noticing. Still they continued to be in the same position—Willow sitting propped against the headboard with Tara’s face buried into her abdomen, body curled tight around the redhead’s waist. No words were spoken between either woman, both content to let their close proximity speak for them.

Tara was lulled by the occasional gurgle of Willow’s tummy as her ear pressed warmly into the redhead’s soft pullover. The soft scent of Willow’s citrus perfume and the crispness of the late fall air filled her senses. Willow shifted slightly and tightened her grip on the blonde. Both women jumped slightly when a loud buzzing sound cut through the silence.

Willow shifted slightly and reluctantly pulled her forgotten cell phone from her jeans pocket. In the rush of finding Tara earlier that day she forgot to let anyone on the dig know where she was and what she was doing. Knowing only one person who would be phoning her right now, she looked to the screen for confirmation and clicked the silencing mechanism on the side of the phone, plunging the room back into a hush.

“Are you going to answer that?” came a mumbled query from the disoriented blonde.

“Nah, it’ll hold,” Willow responded. Just then another buzz reverberated throughout the room, quickly followed by a distinct rumbling that echoed through the tranquil silence.

Tara shifted reluctantly from Willow’s embrace and brushed the tousled hair from her face. “You hungry?” she asked needlessly as she straightened her twisted clothing and swung her legs from the bed.

“Uh, ah… I guess I am a little peckish. It’s been awhile since I’ve eaten,” Willow admitted bashfully as her stomach emitted another loud protest.

Tara made her way towards the attached kitchenette and browsed through the almost-bare cupboards. She had been here for three days and was planning on moving on within the next couple of days. Her perishables and canned food supply were scarce.

Willow followed Tara and halted the blonde’s search by placing a gentle hand on her outstretched arm. “Hey, why don’t you let me put something together for us? I’m not the world’s best chef, but I’ve often found myself with my food supply reaching dangerous levels because I’d forgotten to buy groceries and I always manage to stretch one or two meals out of practically nothing.”

During her speech, Willow had searched the small refrigerator and found some pre-chopped veggies, a half dozen eggs and a small chunk of cheese. Placing the items on the counter, the redhead rifled through the cabinets for a bowl and a frying pan.

“See! Perfect ingredients for an omelette. I’ll toast some bread and, VOILA!” Willow puttered around the kitchen like she belonged there. Tara sat quietly at the small nook and seeped in the natural domesticity of the situation. Willow placed a steaming mug of herbal tea in front of the blonde and broke Tara out of her reverie.

“Sugar?” the redhead questioned as she returned to the stovetop to check on the process of her masterpiece.

“No, this is fine,” Tara responded listlessly as she brought the mug to her lips and automatically blew on the hot liquid. She took a quick sip and placed the mug back on the table. “Thank you,” she added.

“I’m going to fill that tummy of yours and then we’ll go back to the main room and warm ourselves in front of the fireplace and I’ll tell you all about my dig and you can tell me all about the places you’ve visited, how does that sound?”

Willow removed the toast from the toaster and placed the stack on the table. Next, she divided the omelette onto two plates and placed one in front of Tara and sat down in front of the other.

“Yummy,” Willow grinned as she dug into the late snack. She grabbed a slice of toast and placed half her omelette on top of it. She brought it up to her mouth and paused her motions halfway when she realized Tara hadn’t touched her food.

Willow brought her impromptu sandwich back down and placed it on her plate. “I guess I should have asked you if you liked omelettes before being all assume-o girl and just making it. I mean, you had eggs in the fridge, but you could have had them in there for baking purposed or-or protein shakes or egg salad sandwiches.” Willow pushed herself up from the table and began to shuffle through the remaining items in the cupboards and refrigerator.

“How about some soup? Or, hmm… I can make you a sandwich. You have tuna and, umm, I think this is turkey. What do you say, Tare?” Willow questioned as she glanced back at the blonde.

“Tara?” Willow’s concern was finally breaking through her initial babble state.

I like omelettes, Willow,” Tara began without looking up. “I guess I’m just not hungry right now. Thank you for cooking, though.” She finished lamely as she continued to drink her herbal tea.

Willow sat down resolutely in her vacated chair and internally debated with herself. Should I bring it up? I mean she did ask me to come. Maybe she’s nervous about starting the conversation. No, no, it’s her place to begin, I don’t want to push. Let’s just leave her be, finish your snack and make small talk.

Willow’s cellphone began buzzing on the counter where she had placed it when she started cooking. The loud buzzing broke the silence that had settled over the women. She grabbed it down and scrolled down the screen. She had 17 missed calls, 12 unread text messages and 8 new voice mail messages. Groaning internally, Willow accepted the call and squeezed her eyes shut as she greeted Faith.

“Hey, Faith,” she began sheepishly as the brunette’s agitated voice screamed at her from the other end.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Red! Where the hell have you been? I caught the tail-end of the SUV as it sped like a bat out of hell down the driveway. That was six and a half hours ago. Were you planning on answering your phone or responding to any of your messages any time soon? I can’t believe you, Willow!” Faith huffed as her emotions came across. Willow couldn’t remember the last time—if ever—that the brash woman had used her given name. “I was worried about you,” she admitted quietly.

“Listen, Faith. I can’t really get into it now. I’m going to need you to cover for me for at least a few days. Tara’s here. In Newfoundland. She called and asked me to come and well, here I am. I have to run, though. Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’ll be in touch, okay?” Willow added hurriedly as she swiftly ended the phone call.

Tara hadn’t moved since the redhead answered her phone. She heard a lot about the feisty brunette from her chats and emails with Willow. The guilt over tearing Willow away from her work without warning swept over the blonde.

“W-Willow. I t-t-think you should g-go,” Tara stuttered. She cursed her inability to get the sentence out. “I’m f-f-fine now.” She lowered her head and refused to meet the redhead’s piercing gaze.

“I’m not going anywhere, Tara,” Willow stated forcefully. “I’ll rent one of the adjoining cottages or one of the rooms in the main lodge, but I am not going anywhere, okay?” Willow slowly reached out and lifted Tara’s face to meet her gaze. Green eyes captured tortured blue ones and the women stared silently into each other’s souls as time quietly ticked by. Tara finally pulled her face away and felt her shame encompass her once more.

“I need a little a-a-alone time right now, Willow,” Tara spoke without a trace of warmth in her voice as she made her way back into the main room. She turned down the thermostat, threw off a few blankets and crawled under the covers. She turned on her side facing the massive windows where she could just barely make out the whitecaps that continued to rage over the now dark ocean.

******
TBC[/b]

[LonelyTara]

Ack, sad dibs! This is a very compelling piece. I hate to see Tara suffering so terribly, and I hope that Willow can stand by her conviction to be at Tara's side, supporting her. Hopefully Willow will realize as well that Tara might need more help than she can give by herself.

[KioNewgo]

Wow.
I love how caring Willow is. Reminds of when she looked after Tara in season five. This though, seems more intimate. Maybe it's the circumstances, or maybe because no official relationship status has been established, i'm not sure...
A powerful, emotive chapter. The more I read of this story the more I need to read .

[Ariel]

I deeply appreciate the attention to working through deep, painful issues.

This is powerful and compelling.

Thank you for bringing darkness to light showing us a compassionate portrait of someone dealing with a mental health crisis.

Ariel

[xlaurax1]

I just caught up on this wonderful story and all I can say is, wow. The way you are writing the story is captivating.

Poor Tara is so tortured, it must be so tough for her, I can't even imaging. Willow is doing a wonderful job with her, very patient and gentle.

I'm really loving this and can't wait for more.

Laura.

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... Big yay for Willow being there to hold and taking care of Tara... I hope that Willow stays there in the same room as Tara so that she can help Tara when Tara goes back to the dark place... I truly hope that Tara soon tells Willow what has happened...

[WR/TM]

That was great...can't wait for the next update!!!!

[Cyteach]

I'm back again... I have ANOTHER update... I'm on a roll here or something

This chapter is not quite as dark as the previous two, but it is angst-y nonetheless.

LonelyTara: Congrats on the dibs... eve though it was a sad one! Thank you for your comments.This IS quite a sad situation that Tara is experiencing right now. Willow will do everything she can to help, but if something or someone else is needed, she'll help lead the way. From this point on, Ithink W/T are stuck together.

KioNewgo: Yes, this caring Willow is relateable to the Willow in Season 5 when she takes care of a brain-sucked Tara. I loved the complete dedication that the show portrayed during those episodes. Like you said, this situation is a little different, but I'm aiming for a similar feeling. I'm glad you want to read more. I don't know if I countinue writing if I didn't have this addictive feedback waiting fro me after a post--is that very bad of me??? Probably.
As long as someone is reading, I'll keep writing, I promise!

Ariel: Thanks again for your thought-provoking feedback. Mental Health issues are all too real. I know this is a fairly common trend on the Board as of late, but I think that only lends to the fact that this is something that a lot of people have some sort of experience with it.
I think I am a detail slut.. I just can't seem to help myself from getting into the nit-picky intricacies of every little thing... I hope it doesn't drag down the story too much!

xlaurax1: A new reader! yay! Thanks for commenting! It makes me all mushy to hear that new people are reading this! Thanks for thinking this is captivating
Williow is going be taken on quite the ride herself. Patience may start to run thin between the ladies--I'm a sucker for conflict--but be safe in the knowledge that there will EVENTUALLY be a happy ending!

Zampsa1975: It's warming to see that you keep on coming back and you keep on leaving feedback! Willow will be there for Tara, no doubt about that... as for there in the room.. not saying! Tara will be sucked back into the dark place a few more times before things eventually work out.

WR/TM: Hey! Thanks for reading and commenting! Here's another update.. hope you like this one just as much!
P.S. Love the name!

*********

Chapter 18: I know....

******

Willow’s hollow steps echoed across the damp pavement as the damp cold seeped into her body. Does this fucking place EVER get warm? She thought to herself as she pulled her fall jacket closer around her petite frame. Walking towards the main building of BeachHouse, the memories of the past twelve hours bounced around in Willow’s mind.

She entered the tastefully decorated foyer and rang the bell for the night clerk. It wasn’t exactly tourist season on the cold north Atlantic island so she was rather optimistic in the fact that she could book the cottage adjacent to Tara’s without much fuss.

“Hi there! Welcome to BeachHouse, how may I help you?” the chipper female clerk asked.

“Good evening. I was hoping I could rent the ‘Osprey’ cottage for the night. I may need it for a few additional nights, is it available?” Willow questioned politely. She had no idea how she could function so normally at this point after everything that had happened today.

Pulling up the information on the computer database, Holly—so her nametag stated—checked the cottage in question. “We don’t usually get walk-in customers, but you’re in luck. The ‘Osprey’ is open until Saturday.”

Willow already had her credit card and photo identification out on the desk when Holly returned. “I’ll take it for tonight, but keep it open for me for the next couple of nights. I’ll let you know by check out time tomorrow if I’m going to need it any longer. Is that okay?” I redhead finished.

“Sure thing, Dr. Rosenberg. I have you in the ‘Osprey’ for the night and booked through to Friday. I’ll place a note on your file about your potential check-out tomorrow, how does that sound? Our rooms come complete with a welcome basket of fruit and champagne—you’ll have your own private Jacuzzi tub right in the main room with you and I’m sure you’ll find the ocean sunrise breathtaking. Sunrise is at 7:32 tomorrow morning.” The overly chipper night clerk was grating on Willow’s nerves. She couldn’t care less about damn Jacuzzi tub or the sunrise. The redhead wanted nothing more than to get her room key and get the hell out of there.

“Thanks,” Willow replied as she took the key card and turned to leave. “Hey,” the redhead started as she returned to the desk. “My colleague is staying is staying in the ‘Puffin’ tonight. I was wondering if you could tell me how long she is booked in,” Willow offered her best, least stalker-like smile to Holly in hope that the night clerk would release the confidential information.

“Her name is Tara Maclay,” Willow continued in an effort to prove she did indeed know the blonde.

“Umm, well, you see I’m not supposed to give out information about any of our guests. We-we have a policy here,” the woman replied. “But since you gave me her name and I saw you guys go in there earlier, I guess I can overlook that for you. Here it is,” she said as the information scrolled across her screen after a few keystrokes. “Miss Maclay is staying until tomorrow.”

“Thank you so much, Holly,” Willow gushed giving the night clerk her best smile. “I’ll be sure to remember this!” the redhead threw over her should as she pushed open the glass doors.

“Have a great night, Dr. Rosenberg!” Holly the night clerk replied as the door shut after the redhead.

*******

Tara’s heart dropped a few inches in her chest when she head the door click shut after Willow left. She didn’t mean to push the well-meaning redhead away, she just couldn’t bring herself to deal with the memories that were rushing through her head at the moment. She was ashamed of her actions that day on the cliff and couldn’t fathom where the overwhelming feelings of despondency and despair came from.

She wasn’t naïve. She knew she was messed up. But she lived her life and functioned as a normal person for twenty-six years. Why was all of this creeping up now?

Tara felt the need to apologize to Willow. She reached over to the nightstand where the redhead had placed her phone when she had graciously changed Tara out of her clothing earlier. Tara scrolled through her sent messages and found the last one she had sent to the redhead. Hitting reply, Tara thumbed two words:

I’m Sorry

Tara climbed back into the sanctuary of her bed and flipped onto her back to stare up at the ceiling. Why did she have to ruin every good thing that ever happened to her? She pushed Willow away, she abandoned her baby sister, Lana felt the need to cheat on her, she couldn’t save her mother—she was definitely reaping bad karmic spirit for something.

Just as her thoughts were going to take her under once again, Tara’s phone beeped indicating an incoming text message.

You have nothing to be sorry for. Grabbing some grub, then I’ll be back.
I still have your key card, I’ll let myself in.
K? <3

Warmth rushed through Tara when it was confirmed that Willow didn’t actually hate her. Deciding to freshen up a bit, Tara walked to the tub in the corner of the room. She turned the faucet on and watched the steam rise from the scalding water. She closed the drain, added fragrant bath salts, and waited for the water level to rise. Stripping out of her grungy sweats, Tara turned on the jets and stepped into the water.

The soothing heat rushed over her body the instant her skin hit the water. Tara pulled her hair up in a messy bun and rested her head against the lip of the tub. She longed for a glass of chilled white wine, soothing jazz music and scented candles to complete the ambiance. A naked redhead would have rounded out the fantasy perfectly.

Smiling naughtily to herself, Tara let the heat consume her and closed her eyes and let the hum from the jets relax her further.

*******

Willow drove fifteen miles before she came upon a grocery store. Luckily it was opened until ten and the redhead made it inside before the security guard locked the doors. She quickly walked through the produce section and the bakery filling her hand basket before making a quick stop along the candy aisle. Nothing solves problems like chocolate-y goodness she thought to herself. On impulse, Willow scooped up one more item and made her way to the express cash.

“Sorry I’m coming through so late,” the redhead apologized to the cashier. “I just arrived in town and I needed a few necessities,” she needlessly explained. The middle aged woman, ever the one for gossip, asked, “So where’re in from? You don’t sound like you’re from around here. You are mainlander?” she eyed the redhead warily.

“Um, mainlander? I, uh, I don’t know exactly what that means. I’m from California, originally, and I live in New York right now. I’m an anthropologist.” Willow noticed the suspicious look from the woman and continued quickly: “I’m working on the archaeological dig in Ferryland. This is my second time here. It’s quite beautiful,” she offered.

“Right. Heard ‘bout that in the papers. You find any dead bodies up the shore?” the cashier questioned, he demeanor more curious now.

Shocked by the question Willow merely shook her head in a negative response. “We are mostly looking for living patterns and day-to-day tools that might have been left behind. No bones yet.”

The woman began to check through Willow’s items when she realized the redhead wouldn’t offer any other interesting gossip that she could share with her friends over tea the next day.

Grabbing her bags, Willow made her way quickly out of the store and into the darkened parking lot. So close to closing on a weekday night, Willow’s SUV was one of the few vehicles left.

She packed her items away carefully and made her way east back towards Tara.

*******

The dark SUV pulled in the space in front of the ‘Osprey’ cottage. Willow trotted over the cobble stone walkway and up the path to the ‘Puffin.’ She held her three bags of groceries and her package in one hand while she slipped the card into the reader. The redhead backed inside the room closing it behind her. Glancing toward the bed she noticed the blonde was missing.

“Tara?” she questioned worriedly when she couldn’t find her.

Willow quickly checked the deck outside, poked her head into the kitchenette and all around the bed without finding a sign of the blonde. Hearing a hum coming from the corner of the room, she rushed over to find the blonde floating in the Jacuzzi tub. The blonde’s head lulled to the side, her arms hung over the lip of the tub, and her eyes were closed.

“Oh, my GOD, Tara!” Willow screamed shaking the blonde’s listless body.

“Wha—what’s wrong?” Tara jolted awake from her impromptu nap. “Willow? Willow!” she squealed as she realized the redhead was halfway in the tub with her. Her naked. Exposed.

“Um, I-I’ll just go out here and let you finish your bath. Uh, um, sorry about the scare,” Willow stated lamely with her head lowered to keep her eyes from wandering to the luscious sight in front of her.

Jesus, Rosenberg, way to be a fucking perv. And scaring the shit out of her too! Get those images out of your head, out of your head, I said!

Willow continued to chastise herself mentally as she unloaded the groceries. She decided to cut up some fruit to make a nice little snack for Tara after she finished her bath. The redhead was still worried over the blonde’s lack of eating. She opened a small container of vanilla yogurt to dip in and brought a tray out into the main room after hearing Tara re-enter the main room.

“Um, I cut up some fruit for you, if you feel like eating,” Willow said quietly as she placed the wooden tray on Tara’s outstretched legs. “You don’t have to eat it if you’re not hungry. I can put it in a dish and put it in the fridge for tomorrow.” Willow looked down and experienced a sudden overwhelming shyness wash over her.

“Where did these come from?” Tara questioned as she leaned over to sniff at a bouquet of mixed colourful flowers. Large Gerber daisies, dahlias and lilies in a deep aqua color spread forth from a plain smooth metallic vase.

“Ah, I-I picked them up at the grocery store. They looked so pretty and I thought you’d like them. I hope that’s okay.” Willow continued to look down at her feet.

“Oh, Willow, they’re beautiful. Thank you, sweetie,” the blonde replied. She tried to catch Willow’s eye to show her thanks, but the redhead wouldn’t look up. “Willow?” Tara questioned. “Is everything okay?”

“Hmm?” Willow glanced up and saw a look of concern cross Tara’s face. “Ah, it’s ah just a bit busy up here, you know?” the redhead answered pointing towards her head.

“Yeah, I know the feeling,” Tara admitted dropping her head.

Willow wanted to help Tara, she really wanted to take the blonde in her arms and promise her everything would be better from now on; that she would protect her. She had absolutely no idea what had brought Tara to the brink, but she knew she wanted nothing more in the world than to fix everything for the blonde.

“Tara, you know I’m here for you, right? I know I never brought anything up or pushed for answers, but I want to know that when you’re ready, I’m here. To listen. To do anything within my power to make things right. Whatever it is, whatever you want, I’m here.”

Tara looked up at the redhead with tears and fear in her eyes. “I-I-I… W-Willow,” Tara began. “I don’t think you’ll ever know how much I’m grateful for what you did for me today. I-I know I asked a lot from y-you, taking you away from your work like I did—“

“Tara, honey, I’d walk across the Arctic Circle in a bikini to get to you. Don’t ever think that I don’t care or that you’re a burden, okay, because you are not,” Willow interrupted the blonde.

“You can’t say that, Willow. Y-you don’t even know me or what I-I’ve done. Don’t say things like that when you don’t know.” Tara pushed the tray off her lap and rose quickly to her feet. Tears pooled in her eyes but she refused to let them fall.

Willow couldn’t comprehend what had happened between their time in Chicago and now to make the blonde feel like things had changed.

“I know you have a huge heart and that you love to write. I know that you have a sister, Dawn, who is 18 and whom you love unconditionally. I know you and your father don’t really agree on some things but he’d sell his farm to get you out of a jam. I know you have a great friend in Buffy and that you left behind a life as a high school teacher in Chicago. I know you have spent the last six weeks traveling across North America to do some soul searching. I know you have the most expressive blue eyes I have ever seen before and that every time I look into them I fall a little more in love with you.”

By the time she had finished her tirade, Willow was standing directly in front of Tara. She brought her hand up to the smooth skin of the blonde’s face and lovingly brushed her thumb over the dark circle beneath those stunning blue eyes.

“I know it looks like you haven’t eaten in a week and haven’t slept in two.” Willow’s voice had lost its volume. Tara’s head snapped up quickly at this admission. “I know you’re hurting—not the ‘I fell and twisted my ankle’ type hurt, but the deep aching that makes it hard to breathe hurt.” Willow dropped her hand and took a step away from the warmth of Tara’s body.

Willow turned away from Tara and picked up her coat from where she had draped it across a chair. “I’ve rented the cottage next door for the night. I wasn’t sure if you’d want me in here with you tonight or not,” Willow said zipping up her jacket.

Tara was about to protest that she didn’t want the redhead to leave when Willow added: “I’m going to make a phone call to let Faith know where I am and that I’ll be away for a little while. Then I’m going to get my bag and if your light is still on over the door by the time I’m finished then I’ll know that you want me with you tonight. I’ll bring some extra blankets from next door and crash on the floor.”

Willow exited ‘Puffin’ cottage without waiting for a reply from Tara.

She walked next door through the damp chill and entered her cottage. Greeting her on the bed was the promised welcome basket and a low jazz sound emanated from somewhere unseen. She found a remote control, muted the sound, threw the basket to the floor and flopped backwards onto the bed.

It was then that she finally let the tears that had burning behind her eyes since early that afternoon rush out in a torrent down her face.

While the tears continued their journey, Willow deftly sent a text message to Faith:
You awake?

The response was immediate. The brunette had been waiting for a word from her coworker and friend and quickly called the redhead.

“Hey, Faith,” Willow sniffed into the phone. “I, um, I’m going to be away for a few days. Actually, I’m not sure if I’m coming back at all. I have to do some things and, um, well, I can’t really get into the details ‘cause I don’t really know them myself, but Tara needs me.”

“I understand, Red. Take all the time you need. Take care of your girl; I’ll cover for you here. We’ll be waiting for you when you come back,” the brunette responded pointedly ignoring the tears she heard in Willow’s voice.

“Thanks, Faith, this means a lot. I’ll owe you a big one, okay?”

“Nah, I figure I owe you more for letting that grad student accost you in your room that night a few weeks ago while you were getting off in the shower. We’ll call it even, deal?”

Rather than admitting or denying Faith’s insinuation, Willow chuckled and bid the brunette good night with a promise to keep in touch.

Giving herself a few more minutes to try and erase the signs of her tears, Willow lay back against the opulent stack of pillows and thought about Tara. Why do you hate yourself so much right now?

Before she could get too comfortable and succumb to the sleep that summoned, Willow popped up from the bed and walked back out into the frigid night. Feeling the triumph of a small victory, Willow grabbed her duffel from the SUV and quickly trotted over to where the dim light over the pristine white door to Tara’s cottage that beckoned her.

********
TBC.. I'd really love to hear what you guys think of the pacing... speed it up? Keep it as it is?

I am totally late for work right now, but I just had to post this!

[LonelyTara]

Double dibs! Still haunting and lovely. The pace is perfect to me. You're dealing with incredibly serious issues here, while these women try to find their way to loving one-another, if it was going faster I think you'd lose some of the believability, the realism of the situation.

[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... The pacing is perfect... I hope Tara insists that Willow snuggles her during the night to keep her safe from dark dreams... I'm glad that Faith is so understanding about the Tara situation... I wonder if the grad student in Willow's tent was JFK...

[KioNewgo]

Noo, feedback is good for the soul .
Ahh, then you'll keep writing, because I promise I'll be reading, then rereadinhg, then rerereading every update you post .

Now, onto the chapter.
Brilliant!
Willow is being perfect; being there for Tara, but also giving her space and time.
Also, (not sure if I've already mentioned it) I love Faith in this fic! She has all the qualities she had on the show (particularly S7) plus she is being an absolutely awesome friend to Willow. I always thought they'd be good friends on the show .
The pacing of the fic is perfect. Most of all, it's believable.
As always, I look forward to your next installment .

[xlaurax1]

I love this story. Please do not change the pacing. The longer you spend exploring these feelings and reactions etc, the better. It's not something that can be rushed. Though, don't keep the girls from being happy for too long.

I'm glad you gave us a bit of a breather in between what sounds like much angst ahead.

It seems good that Tara was able to get out of the dark place for a little while and surely she must have been feeling a little better to be havign naughty thoughts in the tub.

I also agree, your Faith is very likable in this fic.

I hope Willow can keep up her patience with Tara, she needs time. She's made a good start, though.

“Tara, honey, I’d walk across the Arctic Circle in a bikini to get to you.

Now that's committment.

I hope you keep on your roll, can't wait for more.

Laura.

[vampyregurl73]

Leave the pacing, it's good, you don't need to tinker with it at all.

At The Edge of The Ocean very nearly broke me.

Tara read once that we are defined by all of our experiences and that no one is exactly an individual in this world because of the influences that other people have on us from birth. So you can say you’re an individual and feel safe in the assumption that no one in the world has had experienced the exact same thing as you and that makes you unique. But that is not necessarily the case. You cannot exist alone in a bubble without the outside world and the people within it affecting who and what you are. It was this enlightening doctrine that finally broke Tara.

We are not the beautiful pristine little snowflakes we are all told we are, and it's in the realization that we either melt away or freeze rigid. The balance in between melting into nothing and hardening oneself completely is tenuous at best.

I grew up on the East Coast, and the ocean holds a very interesting place in my heart. I don't like the Atlantic, it's bottle green, cold and murky - there's always something swimming around you, and not necessarily with you. The dark of it seems to drag you into places you may not always want to go metaphorically and literally. I love the lightness of the Pacific, I can wade out five feet, and as the waves crash over me, turn to the shore to see the beautiful blue of the water as it hits the beach. The only thing that appears to be with you might be the kelp. The current seems stronger but somehow clearer...I'm not sure how to explain it, but to have Tara break down on the Atlantic Coast has a certain resonance for me.

You story is probably my favorite of the stories I've been following. I like a story that actually has a story. Please keep posting, I'm looking forward to seeing where you go - this seems to be a bit of a journey as well as a story (?) - so far I'm enjoying following along behind you.

[Cyteach]

And I'm back... with an update!

Again, I want to thank everyone reading this fic--and especially those who are leaving feedback. Writing is its own reward, but it makes it so much sweeter to hear what people think.

I've been kind of absorbed with this story as of late, hence the frequent updates. I can't let it go--or put down the proverbial pen. So I hope people keep reading so I can keep writing!

Warning: I guess I should caution those reading that this next section deals with some disturbing situations (self-mutalation) that may be offensive to some readers (I feel like a TV disclaimer ) But seriously, it's dark, so dont read this is it's going to hurt you.

LonelyTara: You have dibs again! Thanks for your comments regarding the pace. I kind of felt that it serious issues need to be delved into on a more intricate level in order to fully put to realization the things that are happening to the characters--thanks for reinforcing this. Hope you like this next part.

Zampsa1975: Thanks for your comments on the pacing--I'm going to give it the detail and examination that it's due and keep it as it is. Willow willbe there to keep Tara safe through the night--but we're not qutie there yet. I'm hoping to bring Faith in in a larger role later on as the stort progresses. It's a little Willow/Tara centric right now, but that lends to the direction of the story.... P.S. who is JFK (obviously I know who President JFK is, but am I missing something with the reference here?!?

KioNewgo: Feedback IS good for the soul.. thans for feeding mine once again! Thanks again for reading (and rereading and re-re-reading..
I don;t think it is an easy position at all for Willow to be in--I'm assuming, anyway. But i ithink it is a very delicate line between support and smothering.. let's hope Willow continues to to be there and walk the thin line. I love the layers of Faith on the show--and I love her character in S7 so that's how I'm going to try and portray her here... she's kick ass, but sensitive, too.
The consensus is to keep the pacing as it is--for realistic purposes--so that's what I'm going to do.. hope you like this next part!

xlaurax1: Thanks for your comments--it really does make a difference to hear from people... the pacing will stay as it is.. and I promise there'll be happiness and love in the future!
Glad you liked the breather, but look out ahead... this next part is pretty dark again... and explicit.. Glad you like faith--she'll have a larger part soon when the setting shifts (within the next few chapters).
willow sure is committed to Tara.. they're in this for the long haul and they're in it together. I found Willow on the show said a lot of these quirky--but ultimately sweet--things to Tara in the show and I wanted to bring that across here.
I'm still on a roll... It's inside me now so I can't let it go...hope you like the next part

vampyregurl73: Hey! East Coast!!! Woo!
The edge of the ocean--I actually live in the place I am writing about--I grew up here and scenes I try to show (I can't give it justice, truthfully) really does make you feel like you're on the edge of the earth--glad you liked it (that was a 'like' comment, right?). The section that you quoted (I'm not technological advanced enough to be able to do so myself )... reading back over it now, I'm not sure if I gave it the time or the words that it needed. The concept will probably come up again and be examined. But I'm glad you got it--because your comments totally relate to what I was attempting to show.
As for the Atlantic Ocean--I'm sad to say, it's the only ocean I've seen, so it is the only ocean I know personally, thus my homage to it. I totally agree with your description of it--it does seem fathomless at times. Where I'm from, many live and die by the harshness of that ocean. It's unpredicable and volatile and unbiased in its destruction--I think there;s a fitting parallel there with the concept of the abuse too--I could be stretching, but that's how I see it when I write.
Your description of the Pacific makes me want to see it and experience it--maybe (if you don't mind) it can be a part of this story as a juxaposition of sorts at the end of the story.
Thanks for saying this is one of your favorite stories--that really means a lot because I know there are a lot of great fics out there (yours included!)
I'm going to definitely keep posting--even if it takes me years to finish this (which I can't foresee happening).
People tend to write what they know, which is exactly what I did when I tackled this first fic of mine. So it is definitely a journey for me along with the story... very perceptive of you.. hope you continue along... there's a happy ending--after all, that's the rules, right?!?

Well, I never thought that I could write so many comments on feedback... but you guys are definitely giving the meaty stuff now! Keep it up (please!

Here's the update!

P.S. I really wanted to call this chapter 'Breaking Dawn,' but Stephanie Meyer totally stole it first...

Chapter 19: Dawn


Palpable. The pain inside Tara’s body was not due to a physical injury, but it was palpable nonetheless. Every second that Willow was away from her in the cottage next door was causing the blonde to drift further and further into a state of loneliness that she did not wish to visit.

I know I can trust Willow, the blonde thought to herself. Why can’t I bring myself to talk to her? To tell her how I feel dead inside. To tell her how I want to hurt myself so I can feel pain because that’s the only way I can know I’m still alive. To tell her how the darkness beckons to me when I’m lying in bed every night praying for sleep to take me over but it never comes.

The helplessness seeped through Tara’s very essence. She needed something now that she could control. She needed to be in charge and to be the one who had in say in what she was feeling.

Tara slipped into the kitchenette and searched through the drawers looking for the perfect instrument. She adopted a clinical assessment of the utensils: discarding one because it was too blunt or another because the grip was too slippery. Finally, she came across the perfect tool—it fit perfectly into the palm of her long tapered hand. Methodically, Tara placed a dishtowel down on the surface of the polished table and lifted up the hem of her t-shirt.

With the tip of the stainless steel knife, Tara slowly drew over her skin in a short jagged line. Blood easily seeped from the incision that marred the beautiful pale skin about three inches above her bellybutton. It hurt. She could feel the blood run in slow rivulets down her abdomen but did nothing to stem the flow. She prodded the shallow cut with the tip of the knife in an attempt to make it wider, longer—to bring back the initial pain the incision brought to her. She was the one who caused this deformity; she could control what happened to her body. Extending the slice a little further, Tara let the knife drop with a dull thud onto the tabletop. The blonde squeezed her eyes shut and let the soothing sting ease through her body.

She sat there in the semi-darkness, blood trickling down her stomach. Lost. Alone.

********

“Tara? You left the light on for me, so here I am!” Willow called out hesitantly as she re-entered ‘Puffin’ cottage. The blonde was missing from her usual perch on the massive bed. Placing her duffel bag on the floor at the foot of the bed and throwing the extra blankets on top of it, Willow tentatively peeked around the pillar in the main room to make sure she would not catch Tara in a compromising position in the tub again.

Walking slowly through the cozy cottage, Willow paused and listened to the silence. “Tara?” she repeated, obvious worry beginning to color her voice. “Where are you, honey?”

Through the hunt, Tara remained silent and still in the kitchenette. Her prey had long ago captured and decimated her. She had moved beyond the constant of shame and guilt as her pain became a physical manifestation in the shape of a jagged line that cried tears of blood which ran down her exposed torso. Her actions were not life-threatening; instead they were life-affirming. Pain equalled life. Feeling pain rivalled feeling at all. And so Tara sat in the dark and let the ache rush over her.

The cottage wasn’t that big. In fact, it consisted of the main room, the open concept adjoining bathroom and Jacuzzi en suite, and the kitchenette. It didn’t take long for Willow to find Tara sitting in the kitchen. In that moment her own heart froze over and numbed her soul.

Tara.

Bleeding.

Tara bleeding.

She stood there for what seemed like an eternity, the pain and terror on a level she had not felt before.

There were no words—no scolding or chastisement, no hysterics or screaming. Willow calmly walked to the counter, yanked on the roll of paper towel and watched it unravel from the spool. She tore the strip in half leaving one part on the counter and ran the other half under warm water. With her tools in hand, Willow turned to the blonde whose eyes had never left Willow in her ministrations.

The silence stretched in the small room as the redhead tenderly removed the stain of blood from the once unmarred skin. Dabbing the wound with the dry paper towel, Willow slowly pulled down Tara’s t-shirt to cover the manifestation of the blonde’s turmoil. Willow did not want to pretend that she did not just witness the terrifying sight of her beloved slicing her own body with a kitchen knife, but before they started this conversation, Willow needed to avoid the scene of the crime.

Extending her hands to the still immobile blonde, Willow helped Tara to her feet. She guided the once again catatonic woman out of the kitchenette and into the living space. Willow backed herself onto the bed and scooted so that her back rested against the elegantly carved headboard. She held her hands out to Tara once again and wait for the blonde to crawl in beside her.

And still, no words were spoken.

Willow’s arm wrapped protectively around Tara’s hunched shoulders. The blonde’s hand could not stop itself from running over her incision, bringing more pain with each passing.

And still, the only sound in the room was two sets of irregular breath patterns—one deep and shallow, the other fast and strained.

Willow waited. Waited for some sign from the blonde. For permission to ask the raging questions that were fighting their way out of a clenched jaw and pursed lips.

A dam broke over Tara’s resolve to remain quiet in the hope that Willow would forget what happened, would forget what she witnessed. One last silent breath was taken in and released on a choked sob. Once opened, the dam expelled all the pent up emotions that Tara had held in for over twenty years. She cried for her childhood—the one she never had. She cried for her lies—the truth left unspoken for so long. She cried for her Willow—the witness to her break down. She cried for the little blonde girl so full of life, of potential--who hid everything away in a locked cupboard in her mind. She cried for the woman whose cupboard had cracked wide open--whose ghosts had been released. She cried because she was consumed.

And through it all, Willow held her tightly. She wasn’t smothering; she wasn’t coddling Tara. Willow merely held her protected within the circle of her arms and waited for her to be ready.

“I-I-I need a minute,” Tara choked out as she ran to the bathroom. Crying wasn’t pretty. She wasn’t so vain as to worry about how she looked with red splotches dotting her face with matching bloodshot red lines running through her blue eyes. But Tara drew the line at the mucous and snot that was running down from her nose. Blowing heartily, Tara wiped the dampness from her cheeks and decided to take the Kleenex back to the safety of the bed with her.

“You know what’s funny?” Tara asked as she climbed back onto the bed. Looking into Willow’s eyes Tara understood that she could never get through this by facing those expressive green depths. She turned her back of the redhead and shifted back until she nestled herself between Willow’s parted legs. Taking the receptive arms in her own, Tara wrapped herself up in Willow’s embrace.

“I knew something was coming,” Tara continued, once settled, to narrate. “After I caught Lana cheating, I knew. The feelings of worthlessness and shame cropped up again. I’d felt them before, a long time ago, but I thought that I was strong enough to hold them back and just continue on. But the thing is, I wasn’t whole—on the inside. I’d spent the first twenty-six years of my life as a shadow of who I was. By my own choice. Through my own decisions. From my own inaction.”

Willow remained silent through her confusion. She didn’t know what Tara was talking about, nor was she about to interrupt the blonde when she finally started talking. Knowing the blonde needed some sort of reassurance, Willow shifted her knees up and slid closer to Tara.

“See, I had a secret. One that I had never told anyone. Not Mama or Daddy, or Dawnie or Buffy. Lana didn’t know either. This is something that I have kept inside of me for so long Willow that I don’t know what’s going to happen when it comes out. Who will I be? What will I do? How will I function, Willow?” Tara began to slowly rock herself back and forth in Willow’s arms, searching for a rhythm that would comfort her.

“Let’s go o-out on the d-d-deck, Willow,” Tara said suddenly and extracted herself from the redhead’s embrace. “I want to see the ocean.” Tara pulled on her cherry red ski jacket and slipped her feet into warm slippers.

Surprised by the sudden burst of energy from the blonde and at the loss of their contact, Willow floundered in her place against the headboard for a few seconds before following the blonde’s lead.

The sliding door eased open without hesitation and both women stepped out into the night. They were close to the ocean—on a bluff maybe about thirty or forty feet away from the swells of the waves beating against the eroding coastline. The land around the deck was rough and not landscaped—it wasn’t the selling point for these cottages. The green depths of the raging ocean was what people came to see when they stayed at BeachHouse.

“It’s always darkest before dawn—isn’t that a saying?” Tara questioned as she leaned over the rail of the large deck. Willow looked around and realized the square footage of the deck was larger than the cottage itself before she shifting closer to Tara. “Or is it ‘before the dawn’? 'It’s always darkest before the dawn'” she continued. “That would change the meaning of the saying altogether—bringing it from a tangible situation to one that is metaphysical. Dawn happens every day so of course on a literal level you know that it always comes—day in and day out—it’s predicable. ‘The dawn,’ however, on a metaphorical level, is more of a realization, a coming to awareness that results as the beginning of something. Something so simple, so small, the placing of or removal of a word, has such an impact.”

Tara turned then to face Willow. The redhead had stood silently through Tara’s philosophical tirade wondering where the blonde was going with it. The only other time she had heard the blonde say so much at one time was when they were still in Chicago and she shared the story of Lana’s infidelity.

Willow did not speak but she let Tara know with her eyes that she was listening patiently and would continue to do so until the blonde was ready.

“Have you ever told yourself something so much that you believed it to be true?” the blonde questioned. “Even though you knew deep down that it wasn’t?”

Willow wracked her mind for something that she could share with Tara that would fit the description. Nothing seemed appropriate; to be on the level of exposure that Tara was placing herself in. And then she remembered.

“I-I… When I first came here, on a dig in my second year of college, I told myself it was because of the lure of the connection between two settlements—Lord Baltimore set up a colony here first only to have it fail before moving on to Maryland. The juxtaposition. For years I’d tell myself that was the reason I was so drawn to this island. The harsh conditions, the unconquerable waters, the sheer determination of the people who finally did settle here and survive. But I was lying to myself; I still am. I lied to the cashier who I bought my groceries off of today when she asked why I was here and what I was doing.” Willow took a deep breath but the contact that blue and green eyes held never wavered.

“I keep coming here not because f the dig or the parallel of the two settlements, but because this is where my parents died. In a plane crash. I had never even heard of this place before it became their graveyard, until the ocean claimed their bodies, but now I can’t help but keep coming back here. It lures me—the ocean, the history, the people, their stories. And I lie to myself every time I come back because I know they never cared for me, but I can’t bring myself to not care back.”

Both women found their roles reversed as Tara led Willow into a comforting embrace. They stood there on a wooden deck, wrapped in each other’s arms, and let the salty beat of the ocean pound against the rock behind them.

Into Willow’s shoulder Tara whispered: “I was abused. Sexually. For a long, long time. And I never ever told anyone about it.” Tara gave a voice to the demons that haunted her psyche.

Willow tried to be strong, to be the pillar that she knew Tara needed right now. But she just couldn’t stop the sob that tore through her throat or the stiffening of her arms around the blonde. Her body was on fire--little pinpricks that were chilling and feverish at the same time, a bodily sensation that she couldn't explain. No words were spoken aloud as tears ran down the faces of the blonde and redhead.

After timeless moments, Willow took Tara’s pain-filled face gently in the palms of her hands and reverently brushed her lips over the blonde’s forehead, over her eyebrows and eyelids, down over tear-stained, reddened cheeks and finally over pink lips. Both took comfort in the platonic, yet utterly worshipping, path that Willow continued to trace over Tara’s visage.

As the sun finally broke over the rocky cliffs and reflected the new day’s first glitter on the teeming waters of the frigid Atlantic, a seal shatter within Tara’s soul that had kept her silent and alone for so long. She wouldn’t heal overnight; the path ahead was one that she knew would be treacherous and filled with sorrow and pain and distress. But now she had hope that indeed it was darkest before dawn. And dawn had broken signalling the end of night and with it, the beginning of a new day.

********
TBC...

Was the "dawn" metaphor/symbolism too much? Too cheesy?

[vampyregurl73]

Dibs! brb

Dear Cyteach,

Ok, so I'm working along, and eating my dinner of cold lo mein, then I decide "Gee, let me take a break" I'll check my email, the normal stuff - you know. And "lo" (get it, "lo" mein, "lo".... never mind) and behold there is an update email for "Changing Your Goals", this wonderful little piece of fanfic I've been following.

Yes, my previous comments were very much in the "like" category.

I'm a "Charm City" a.k.a. Baltimore girl, home of E.A. Poe, John Waters, the U.S.S. Constellation and a whole lot of other military type stuff/installations a.k.a. bases/hospitals/government, et cetera.

You describe the hard scrabble of your coastline, and I feel like I know a little of that. Much like the shores I grew up with - rough and tumble along some more direct to the Atlantic, then oily and cold along the Chesapeake or the Potomac. The ocean is a fickle mistress (to put it nicely) that has no favorites. Too many summers crabbing, searching for oysters, riding out to the greenline, don't get me wrong, I do love the ocean but I don't think I could have ever joined the navy or been a merchant seamen.

I've led a bit of a vagabond's life. I can describe the teal waters of the Gulf of Mexico for you - I lived in pre-Katrina New Orleans until that bitch hit - and I can describe the beautiful blue of the Pacific for you - I love California I've visited three times this year so far, and will be making it four in November. As you may or may not have notice Tucson (my current place of residence) doesn't have a whole lot of beachfront property. I would be honored to provide you any description you desire from any of the locales I have been to that have a shoreline that you would like to include.

I think we all write what we know (and it shows - for good and bad), it can be cathartic and really moving/beautiful/heartrending (insert other appropriate adjectives here) when we do get it across properly. So just color me perceptive girl today, sometimes I worry that I read too much where there is none, lol.Thank you for the compliment on my own little dig at fanfic-dom, and don't worry I'm in for the long haul; like you said if nothing else we are assured a happy ending as it is the rules we play by.

[W&T]

I'm normally just a lurker...but this update alone makes me staying awake all night when I have work in less than 3 hours worth it

Pretty.Darned.Awesome.
Can't really say anything else

Samuel

[LonelyTara]

Tragic, but beautiful. I'm so glad Tara disclosed so she can really begin to heal!

[wimpy0729]

OMG. I don't check for updates for a few days and this story makes huge leaps and bounds into angst territory. Wow, this is just so deeply emotional, I don't really know what to say, except awesome job.

I know people who have been through what Tara is describing happened to her, and many of them repress for many years, but when it comes back, it does come back with a vengeance, and it's absolutely horrible. They all deal in different ways, and the mental healing process is a long, hard road. I'm so glad Tara asked Willow to help her, and of course, Willow gets there ASAP. Now she opened up and finally let it out. That was a long overdue dam that burst. Maybe since Willow shared with Tara too, they can both begin to heal together.

Great job. Can't wait to see where it goes from here.


Wimpy