New Fic: Struggling (updated 08/03/10)

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Title: Struggling

Author: Misanthropic_Ninja (aka: Steph)

Email: spike_girl1990@hotmail.com

Rating: G or PG... not sure

Disclaimer: Characters are owned by Joss and ME until I find a way to steal them. I make no profit from this

Feedback: Feed my ego (don't stick your hand in the cage though... it bites)

Distribution: As long as I get credit for it, and you tell me where it's going, all good

Summary: Tara thinks about recent events

Setting: Season 6 around Entropy

Author’s Note: This is my first fic guys, so please be nice. Thoughts are in italics, and song lyrics are underlined. The song is called Emily by From First To Last. It's an awesome song! One word of the lyrics have been changed to make it applicable to W/T. Enjoy!
Big shout out to my wonderful beta, Midnight341. You rock my virtual world!

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Tara sat on her bed, head in hands. The same bed she and Willow had slept in, had made love in. Tears leaked from her eyes as she thought about the events of the past few months. How did things get so bad? Not for the first time, she wondered if there was something she could’ve done to prevent it

Sure Tara, there was some way you could have seen it coming. There was some way you could have known that the love of your life was going to decide to start playing with your memories like so much play-doh.

Smiles and her laughter
it’s the only thing that I've been waiting for, a time

I miss her so much. Even after everything that’s happened between us... after everything she did to me. She betrayed my trust... violated me. Treated me like I was hers to change, to mould...I’m supposed to be hers to protect. Not like this. Not like what I went through with dad and Donnie.
But, she’s Willow...She’s my everything.

Tara stood and walked over to her mirror. The usually bright eyes were now red rimmed and puffy, evidence of weeks of crying. Willow may have been suffering from magic withdrawal, but the blonde witch could empathise only too well. Her withdrawal was from Willow, the one that had made her lonely life one worth living, and then torn her heart out. Grabbing her jacket, Tara strode purposefully out of her dorm, slamming the door behind her.

Regardless of our distance and our hope... grows greater art
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time

I can’t trust her anymore. The one person I counted on to love and care about me. The first person I let in since mom died. The only woman that I’ve ever given myself to... did this. The same Willow who gave me the extra flamey candle, who wrote me cute notes in different coloured pens... did this.

As she walked the familiar streets of Sunnydale, vampires simply watched from the shadows. Something about the blonde witch’s told them that this was not a woman to be trifled with tonight. Anguish radiated off her in waves as she tried to hold it all together. Not now, she couldn’t break now... She had to hold together for a little longer. Usually it was Willow who kept her together. This time she was tearing Tara apart.

...the only thing that I've been waiting for.

I’d given up on someone caring about me... Loving me. Then she looked at me across the room at that Wicca group... and she saw me. I knew then that she was the one for me, the one I would always love. But now? I’m not so sure anymore... I don’t even know if I can rely on my memory. But the memories we have...

Tara paused, smiling. Then she remembered. Turning and heading back in the direction she came from she stopped again, pacing the dark stretch of road. Looking to her left, she saw that she was standing next to the darkened Espresso Pump. How could one little coffee shop evoke so many feelings and memories? Of mochas, of Willow. Emotions played across Tara’s face, her eyes telling everything of her inner conflict to anyone watching.

Memories raced through Tara’s mind...
Eyes meet across the room, the Gentlemen, first spell, floating the rose, anchoring Willow, the candle, first time making love, fighting evil together, singing on the bridge, under her spell moving in with Dawn... Bringing Buffy back, too much magic, fights, yelling, lies, I know what you did Willow, under her spell, broken promises, leaving... leaving her... Leaving Willow. Willow.

Tara fell to her knees sobbing.

Goddess, give me strength!

I hope it's something worth the waiting
'Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real

Is it worth it? Going back to someone I don’t know if I can ever trust again? And even if I do go back... trust would have to be rebuilt, and it may take forever, if ever... Can I really do that? Put myself through losing her again? I love her, but can I ever feel safe around her again?

Tears rolled down her cheeks. Not the first she’d cried, but these hurt more than the others... the decision she made now would be her last one. No looking back. No more consideration would be given after tonight. It had been long enough. Tara began to shake from the cold radiating off the concrete, and the realisation that this was it. Slowly, the blonde witch stood up and started walking.

Thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like my baby

She’s still my Willow... She chose me over Oz... She loves me... After what Glory did to me, she was going to stay with me, take care of me, even if her plan didn’t work...

She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble

She’s so beautiful... every time I look at her I fall in love all over again with her strength and beauty. Her strength. That’s what caused this in the first place. The power she wasn’t ready for... if she would’ve listened to me this wouldn’t have happened.

Willow was headstrong and impulsive. Tara remembered certain ways the small hacker was often impulsive when they were alone. The memory tugged one corner of the shy blondes mouth into her trademark half smile. The same half smile her ex-girlfriend found so endearing. Ex-girlfriend. Her face fell as she remembered that not everything about herself was to Willows liking, apparently. She had tried to fix Tara in order to fix their problems. Tara began walking faster down the street, all traces of the tears she’d earlier gone from her cheeks.


Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep

Can I ever get past this... this disgust? Goddess, I never thought Willow would make me feel this way. I never thought she would ever make me feel anything like this...

Willow had done exactly what Glory did. The woman she loved more than anything had taken away her dignity, had violated her, just because she didn’t want to fight. Quick fix solution without thinking about what was best for both of them. Tara snorted and shook her head. Then stopped dead in her tracks.

And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me

I can’t let this go.

“I can’t let this go.” She whispered into the darkness, tears springing to her eyes once again.

I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real

How long did I believe I was worthless? How many years was I certain that I was a demon that deserved to be despised by my own family? That it was my place in this world to be the stuttering girl who always hid behind her hair?

Tara started walking again, slower than before. She had made her choice. Entering the building and walking slowly up the stairs, she offered up a silent prayer to the Goddess that this was the right decision.

'Cause thunder storms could never stop me

But I still found her. And she saw me, even as I was.

As Tara came to the door she knew so well, she paused, wiping her eyes and taking a deep breath. She steeled her resolve.

No turning back, Tara, not now.

Opening the door, she took a deep breath.

“Things fall apart, they fall apart so hard...”
“Tara?”

'Cause there's no one in the world like my baby,
There's no one in the world like my baby.


“... Can we just skip it? Can... Can you just be kissing me now?”

The look on Willow’s face said it all. Relief, hope and love shone from her eyes.
And as they kissed, Tara’s last coherent thought was

I made the right choice.

'Cause there's no one in the world like my baby,
There's no one in the world like my baby.

[Elrad]

Dibs

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Thanks Chris... but I have to ask... Dibs on what?

[abarda]

This story was really good.

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Thanks a heap! Much appreciated!

I felt a need to spank my inner angst moppet, and what better way to do it than through some fic...!

[Midnight341]

Again this is really good. good construction and good plot movement. I wonder who beta'd this...hehe...no there wasnt much that needed to be beta'd. this is really excellent.

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Why thank you!

I have an amazing beta! the fic wouldn't be the same without her!

Thanks for the kind words! Keep feeding the ego!

[AmberGoddess]

Whoa. This was really well written. Is it a one-shot?

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Thanks, AmberGoddess!

I'm not really sure if I'm going to leave it as a one-shot, or possibly make it longer... I've been toying with the idea of writing a long-ass fic reminiscent of LOtR or Beowulf (minus the complete irrelevance of 20% of the plot).

I'm really not sure... *shrug* if people ask for more, I shall give them more! Power to the people! ...kittens, whatever

-Steph

[Zampsa1975]

Really good story... I hope you continue this story and correct Joss' lack of knowledge on physics...

[Vamp_Willz]

I can completely see how this ties in nicely with the moments just before Tara shows up and gives her "Just Skip It." lines.
I support the continuation of this fic, maybe touch up on a bit more on why even though Tara feels completely betrayed, she is still going back.

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Hey, thanks a lot!

I'm thinking about a continuation... I have an idea of what I want to do, but I'm not sure if it will mesh with this one. It's going to be pretty different to what I've got here.
Actually not sure how to continue this... Ideas people?

- Steph

[willowtaralover]

Oh my god, this is such a beautiful story it made me cry reading it. If you want to do a follow on how about Wilow and Tara go away that evening or early the following day for a holiday to heal their hearts, renew their connection and try to sort out what they are going to do next in their lives together. It's only a suggestion, but again, truly an awesome story there so if you don't write a sequel please write more W/T fic

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

YESSSS! I always wanted to write a fic that evoked that level of emotion from someone.
Thank you very much for the kind words and feedback, they're very much appreciated. I'm currently working on a second, longer fic, but I think that can get put on hold for the moment. It's very dark so far...

Hmmm... a holiday? Thank you for the suggestion... I think I can work with that!

[Taralover]

I really liked this story.

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Thank you very much

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Title: Struggling (chapter 2)

Author: Misanthropic_Ninja

Email: spike_girl1990@hotmail.com

Rating: G or PG... not sure

Disclaimer: Characters are owned by Joss and ME until I find a way to steal them. I make no profit from this

Feedback: Feed my ego (don't stick your hand in the cage though... it bites)

Distribution: As long as I get credit for it, and you tell me where it's going, all good

Summary: Willow and Tara take time out

Setting: Season 6 around Entropy. Xander and Anya were never engaged, however.

Author’s Note: Due to somewhat ‘popular’ demand, I’m continuing Struggling for a little while.
To my amazing beta, Midnight341; you rock my virtual world! A very special mention to willowtaralover. Thank you for giving me some inspiration for this update. At the moment, I’m not sure how long this fic is going to end up, but I’ll keep you all posted.

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Chapter 2

The midmorning sun that streamed through curtains shone directly into Willow’s eyes, making her squint against the harsh glare. Seeking comfort she snuggled even closer to the warm, soft body. Nothing could ever feel better than this. This was the way it was supposed to be for the two Wicca. They were never supposed to be apart. Curled up next to her lover, with her head resting on the blonde’s thigh, Willow was utterly content.

“Mmm, Tara legs...” the redhead thought happily.

Tara, for her part, was watching the expressions on her girlfriend’s face with amusement and more than a little affection.
“Girlfriend...” the blonde thought “It feels so good to be able to say that again.”
There was nothing in the world that Tara would trade for this moment. Willow was her world. The hacker burrowed deeper into her ‘pillow’, sighing contentedly.

“Urgh... when did morning happen?” Willow mumbled against Tara’s leg.

“After the moon went down.” The blonde gave a lopsided grin to her adorable partner.

Willow moved her body sensuously up Tara’s, giving the smitten woman a gentle kiss. Sighing, she rested her head once again on her love’s lap, revelling in the feeling of Tara’s fingers gently stroking her hair. The hacker gathered her thoughts.

“Tara?”

“What is it, sweetie?”

“We need to talk... I know, I know we could sweep this under the rug, forget it and move on, but,” Willow sat up facing the love of her life “We need to sort this out. I need to make it up to you. You need to learn to trust me again, and I,” Green eyes filled with tears, continuing in a small voice, Willow said “I need to learn to accept that you won’t leave me.”

“Baby... is that true? You t-thought I’d leave you?” Tara lay down facing her, gently stroking the red heads face.

“I’m just Willow without the magic. The whole reason we met was because of the Wicca group... I didn’t know...” She said in a small voice “I didn’t know if you’d want the plain Willow. I’m just me, I’m not super Willow. I can’t protect you.”

Tara’s heart broke for the smaller woman. There was so much more to this than just magic addiction... Willow was hurting badly. They both needed to sort so much out... to rediscover their love, and the reasons they came together... and the reasons they were going to stay together.

“I have an idea.”

“You do?” The diminutive hacker looked almost hopelessly at her lover.

“I was thinking... that maybe...” Tara punctuated each word with a gentle kiss to her girlfriend’s lips “that we could take... a day trip... somewhere... maybe stay a night?”

“A day trip... Like a vacation?” Willow perked up immediately at the thought of uninterrupted Tara-time. “Mmmm, Tara time...”

“Exactly like a vacation, honey.” The blonde smiled.

“I think I may need a bit of... persuasion...”

Tara grinned, gently pushing Willow onto her back. The blonde witch proceeded to nip down her girlfriend’s neck, absolutely determined to show just how persuasive she could be.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................

After several hours of intense, yet fun, persuading, the two women finally came up for air. Willow, after a superhuman effort on her part, literally did come up gasping and looking like the cat that got the cream.

“Where do you think we should go?” She idly asked her girlfriend, pillowing her head on the more than ample bosom.

“What about Hotel California?”

“No matter how many times I hear that name, I always think of the song... and thinking of the song, I wonder which came first, the hotel or the song? Kind of like the chicken and the egg. Well, not really, because neither a hotel nor song needs the other to incubate it in order to hatch. Could a hotel hatch? That would be a really big omelette, and-“

Tara leaned over and kissed Willow firmly on the mouth.

“Tara tongue! Was I babbling? Oh yeah I was, there was definite babble there. Hoo-boy that was a train full of babble! Like, a cross-country train with all the compartments and stuff... Hands! Tara hands in nice places! Shutting up now!”

“Were you just b-babbling in your head?” The blonde looked at her girlfriend curiously

“Yup!” Willow said happily, wondering if she could babble some more to get Tara’s hand to go back....

“So, what do you think?”

“I think that if your hands don’t go back to where they were, we could have a full scale riot and possibly some spontaneous non dancing demon related combustion to deal with!”

“About the hotel, silly.” Tara said, rolling her eyes.

“I think it’s a fantastic idea baby,” Willow smiled “We haven’t been there in ages and the last time we did was such a significant occasion for us. I think it’s perfect for this... and it’s such a beautiful spot.”

Tara’s favourite part of the hotel was that it had a karaoke competition one night a week. Willows favourite part of the hotel was the fact that they held the karaoke in the downstairs bar. Singing was most definitely not her thing.

“No hotel is as beautiful as you.” Tara smiled at her girlfriend.

“That’s right, I’m one hot mama-yama, and don’t you forget it Tara Maclay.”

Grinning like a Cheshire cat, Tara showed Willow just how much of an affect the red headed mama-yama had on her.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................


Finally emerging to pack their bags, after getting Dawn’s more than enthusiastic blessing, they headed over to Xander’s to let him know of their holiday plans. When living on the Hellmouth, people didn’t generally up and go on vacations unannounced- doing so often ended in the person coming home to find their family in mourning, and that they were also now the owner of a small plot of land.

The hotel they had decided on was a couple of hours out of Sunnydale, near the beach. It was a small hotel that the Wiccy chickies had stayed at for their first anniversary. Family run and friendly, it was the ideal place for the two women to reconnect with one another.
“Connect in a way that isn’t my magic and her mind, for once” Willow thought with a pang of guilt, before focusing her attention back on the blonde, who was oblivious to Will’s internal conflict. “This is your chance to show her you’re not a mind-controlling psychopath, so don’t screw it up Rosenberg!”

Miraculously, they managed to get Xander to agree to lend them his car for the time they were away. Even more amazing was that they succeeded against Anya’s vehement protests that he would be unable to go make money, and then buy her pretty things without said car.
Willow nearly did a happy dance in front of everyone when Tara astutely pointed out that it also gave Xander no reason to leave the bedroom. There was barely time for the gleeful builder to throw the keys to Willow as the ex-demon pulled him inside the apartment, slamming the door behind them.

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................

Fifteen minutes into the trip, the two women were still giggling about Anya and Xander’s reaction to Tara’s unique solution to the car problem. Willow shook her head and smirked at her girlfriend.

“What?”

“Nothing, baby...” Willow said with far too much amusement for Tara’s liking.

“Willow Danielle Rosenberg, tell me what you’re thinking this instant or make you I’ll pull this car over-“

“And what?” the redhead grinned cheekily, her tongue poking out slightly.

“And I’ll s-spank you, so help me Goddess!”

At this statement, Willow’s eyeballs nearly made a bid for freedom from her eye sockets. Tara was equal parts concerned and amused at her girlfriends impersonation of an anime character, contenting herself with chuckling quietly.
“Spanking... Oh Goddess, Take-Charge Tara... Naughty teacher Tara... Leather Tara, handcuffs, leather, paddle, leather, spanking, leather... that body in LEATHER!”
Willow, was forced to snap back to reality when she found herself fantasising her way into oncoming traffic. She proceeded to mock glare at the blonde, only fuelling Tara’s amusement.

“So, are you going to tell me what that head-shaking was all about?”

“Before that near fatal, fantasising fiasco,” Willow said pointedly, “I was going to comment on your weird ability to get into Anya’s mind... and then you went and proved my point before I even said anything!”

A slow, sensual smile spread across Tara’s face.

“You’d be surprised at what different things I can get into, dear Willow.” Tara said, resting her hand on Willow’s leg.

For her part, Willow could only gulp and try concentrate on the road. A task she failed miserably as her girlfriend’s fingers traced a very distracting pattern on her inner thigh and she imagined getting the blonde into, then out of, some tight, tight outfits.

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[Zampsa1975]

Yay for great update-y goodness... I hope they manage to talk about their feelings and their differences... I truly hope Willow is able to quell Tara's fears...

[abarda]

Willow's thoughts... what were those thoughts?
I hope Willow and Tara are able to build trust again... and that lots of be one of the ways to do it.

[Midnight341]

Again a really great installment i really like what you added to this story definitly a great great addition. Can't wait to see whats next.

[Taralover]

This was a sexy, sexy chapter.

[love_2003]

Happy to see that you are continuing this story.
Looking forward to reading more.

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Zampsa: Great update-y goodness? Thanks mate! So far I have plans of an epic proportion... Whether or not I can pull them off is a different matter!

Abarda: I'm guessing you liked the sexy writing then?

Midnight: it's all possible because of you, baby

Taralover: Wow, another person liking the sexy chapter! I wasn't entirely sure if I could pull that off... The sexiest writing I've done is writing "love you" on my grandmother's birthday card! Woo and Hoo for my ego boost!

love_2003: Thank ye muchly!

[AmberGoddess]

Oh, that was good. The end had me laughing so hard I cried, so you got two good reactions! And, um, wiccy chickies? *raises eyebrow*

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Thanks AmberGoddess, always happy to get a good reaction.
I made you laugh so hard you cried? Go me!
I really wasn't sure if anyone would like this chapter... I wrote it at 4am, so I was really, REALLY tired and kinda borderlining on insane by the time I was done and Willow was channelling me a fair bit by the end


I'm really glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the great feed back

(Yes, wiccy chickies. I was in an odd mood!)

[Misanthropic_Ninja]

Title: Struggling (chapter 3)

Author: Misanthropic_Ninja

Email: spike_girl1990@hotmail.com

Rating: G or PG... not sure

Disclaimer: Characters are owned by Joss and ME until I find a way to steal them. I make no profit from this

Feedback: Feed my ego (don't stick your hand in the cage though... it bites)

Distribution: As long as I get credit for it, and you tell me where it's going, all good

Summary: Willow and Tara take time out

Setting: Season 6 around Entropy. Xander and Anya were never engaged, however.

Author’s Note: Sorry this update has taken so long guys... I've been flat out at home and at work. Been doing between 45 and 50 hours so it's kinda nucking futs. And the kids at youth group are entering their yearly needy phase *head desk*. I'll try to update again soon.

Midnight, you are the best beta ever. If I’m ever rich and famous, I’m taking you with me baby!

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Willow pulled in slowly to Hotel California’s parking lot. Not to soon either, in the red head’s opinion. Tara had been teasing her mercilessly all two hours of the trip with gentle touches, fiery kisses and outright mean nibbles to the redhead’s neck. All Willow could think about was getting her girlfriend upstairs and returning the favour.

As the two women walked into the reception with their luggage, Willow looked sideways at her girlfriend. Tara had packed a surprisingly large bag for an overnight stay, and was doing remarkably well at deflecting all of Willow’s questions regarding what she had packed.

“Good morning! Welcome to Hotel California,” Said a chipper voice from behind the reception counter. “Oh my God! Willow, Tara!” an excited came running out from behind the desk. He was the same receptionist that had checked them in for their last stay.

“Oh Goddess, what was his name?” The blonde witch thought desperately, not wanting to seem rude.

“H-hey... Mark,” Tara said, looking at his name tag, relieved and also a little taken aback by his enthusiasm.

“How are you?”

"Fantastic! How are you two lovely ladies? It’s so good to see you both together! Not that there was any idea in my head that you wouldn’t be.”

The blonde man winked at the women. “Let me check you two in.”

Willow smiled reassuringly at the shy blonde, still stunned by the overt enthusiasm. They followed Mark back to the desk, dragging their respective bags behind them.

“So,” he asked, “How was the drive up?”

While Willow and Tara chatted amicably with him about their journey, Tara slid her hand down the hacker’s leg, and under her skirt. Willow’s eyes widened as the blonde traced circles up her thigh.

“Long... dextrous... fingers... touching me. Hands! Oh this is so bad... Is she trying to kill me?” The redhead thought.

Willow began the quick devolution into horny putty in Tara’s hands. Looking away from the conversation, she tried to hide the red flush that was creeping into her cheeks at her increasing arousal. Unfortunately, Willow’s gaze was drawn to the blonde’s shapely behind.

“And how are your classes going, Willow?”

“W-what?” She squeaked, turning her head so fast that Tara expected to hear a sonic boom, in a voice several octaves higher than normal, “What about asses? Tara’s is the nicest! Not that I look at anyone else’s ass,
no siree! Tara’s is the only ass for me!”

Mark looked at Willow nonplussed while Tara feigned a coughing fit, trying desperately not to laugh.

“This woman is going to be the death of me.” The hacker thought, flushing bright red.
......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

“Here we are.” The bellboy announced proudly, opening the door to the Wicca’s suite and showing them in.

It was the same room as last time, they noted, one overlooking the beach. Their room’s best feature however, stood in the middle of the room: A huge four poster bed. Willow grinned evilly at her girlfriend, which did not go unnoticed by their bellboy, who gawped at the thought of the two together.

“Thank you,” Tara smiled at the boy, noticing the glazed look. He blushed and retreated quickly, shutting the door behind him.

“So, what do you reckon, go for a swim or a walk or-” She was quickly silenced by the feeling of Willow’s lips on hers, and found herself backed against the wall. Tara groaned into the passionate kiss, feeling herself
grow wet at her girlfriend’s touch.

“What were you trying to do, get me to jump you in front of Mark?!” Willow asked, tugging impatiently at her girlfriend’s blouse as she bit gently down her neck. “Need more skin, I must have das Tara-skin! That sounded a little ‘Silence of the Lambs’... can’t be good... ooh, soft!”

The red head eagerly kissed across her lover’s collarbone, sucking Tara’s neck, pausing only to leave a bright red love bite in her wake.

“Baby,” Tara panted, her knees growing weak “S-should we maybe take this to the bed?”

In what can only be described as a superhuman effort, the diminutive hacker picked her girlfriend up in a fireman’s lift, and carried her to the bed. Gently tossing Tara down, Willow grinned at her extremely turned on girlfriend before pouncing on and straddling her. Willow leaned down and nibbled on her girlfriend’s ear before whispering.

“Payback time.”

Tara shivered in anticipation of what was yet to come as her love claimed her mouth in a searing kiss.

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[Zampsa1975]

Yay for good update-y goodness...

[abarda]

No one can blame Mark for his thoughts. I'll just say that.

[arsyadriani]

wow..uhmm..
could you post more...soon..pleassee
great update.. leave me some visual images