Starting with some older poetry:
"Collapse In Tears"
Do you know what its like to have love consume you
So much that when its gone youre numb with pain
Collapsing on the floor hysterically crying
Over and over screaming her name
So much you wander for years searching for someone
Who makes your heart pound just that way
Who makes your hands sweaty and your knees weak
And you think “God how could this be”
So much your souls whisper to each other
Those quiet words of undying unconditional love
So much you doubt there will never be another
Because no one seems to be enough
Have you ever found your soulmate
The one you think about
Every single second of every single day
The kind of love that makes you wait
I have and shes gone
Up in heaven watching over me
And its been so many years, I'm living on
But to look in my eyes can you see
The pain and anguish of all these years
That drops my to my knees in tears
Collapsing at what was taken from me
Murdering pain that won't let me be
To walk in the door to a house so empty
Of the memories that should have been
And drop to the ground because it hurts
Ripping the wound open again
Death has torn you apart once more
You leave so many tears just inside that door
Loss and despair take over
And your soulmate is still gone
I miss you
I love you
And one day we will be together again
Because always know that you are mine
Remember how much I love you.
Written: March 7th, 2006
"Trust In Us"
Love is bowing to the ultimate and laying your sword at its feet
Resting your weary head on your soulmates shoulder in defeat
Giving up the battle and not minding at all
Having someone to catch you should you break and fall
Triumphing in an undescribable feat
One many cant come close enough to beat
I knew she was going
And I dropped my head to cry
I couldn't stand a thought without her
But knew she was going to die
So she lifted my chin
And she sang sweet words to me
My darling girl don't cry
I'm always gonna be here to hold you tight
Always going to chase away your fright
And dry the awful tears
I'm right here
I know I can't take your pain
But all you have to do is say my name
And I'm by your side
To take your hand
And look in your eyes
To wrap my arms around you and keep you safe
And stand by you always
I won't let anything happen to you
I swear on my love
You are my forever, my eternity
So when you don't have a clue
Look at me
Trust in us.
Written: March 28th, 2006
"Trying"
My heart craves the love that was once ripped away
The feeling of being complete again
I don't want to live this half life
Where waking everyday feels like a lie
I want to soar on the wings of eternity
With loving arms around me
Holding me tight
I want to feel the pounding of my heart with passion
Sensation I haven't felt in years
Instead was replaced by blinding tears
I want love that urges me to go the limit
To the edge of life itself
To make me feel worthy again
To take away the hell
I want a love that goes so deep
I suffer without that touch
That even a day without it
And I start breaking up
I want my heart to beat again
With purpose instead of pain
Stop living a half life and taking shallow breaths
Have a reason to stay and not wish for death
I want the love that was taken
The only one that let me feel so true
But dearest know until were together again
I'll always love you.
And for you I will try my hardest to move on.
Written: March 30th, 2006
"Small Town Girl"
I'm just a small town girl with a dream in her gaze
Trying to outrun a painful past in so many ways
A girl too young to have lost all hope
But I have
In too many ways to know
A girl too young to bear the burden I do
A girl too young to have lost you
I am nothing more than a line in a book
Or a dismissive glance on the street
I am nothing but what he made me
I am bitter and afraid and I feel so alone
Even with my family surrounding me
Without you I have nothing left to be
Other than a nameless face
In a crowded room where I fade
And blend with the background
I don't have a voice
Or a single sound.
My strength left with you
My sight fails regularly
To see the family that loves me
The ones willing to go the limit
Willing to be there as I collapse
And hold me up when I fall
When I can't stand to be without you
Can't bear the hurt at all
And now up there in heaven
You see my best and worst
And I wonder if it hurts
To see the bad days and the good
Is the missing me so great
Would you come back if you could
Cause I live a lonely life now
That no other but you can heal
You are the one that made me feel
True love, and I was so alive
Being with you I was me
And still even though they see me
You are the only one who knows
What goes on truly inside
The small town girl wracked with guilt
With tears leaking from her eyes
For all she's done and all she will do
Just to survive
The girl who hates what was done to her
And what she has become
Who's deathly scared of becoming him
And what shes running from
Who's afraid to fall in love again
Because I always lose
A lost cause
who has lost her way
And living proof
That through every hell you can survive
But always regret your life
I stay for my friends
Stay for my family
Stay for the love I could have
But I'm just a small town girl
Who wants to die.
Written: April 4th, 2006
"The Night Time Kills Me"
The night time kills me
When I'm the only one awake
Because I can't sleep
And deal with dreams of her face
The night time kills me
With no one to talk to
Nothing to do
But scream and cry
The night time kills me
So many hours to think
So many pictures to draw
So much time for me
The night time kills me
I prowl around the house
And try to find something to do
But theres nothing now
The night time kills me
A reminder of all I dont have
A reminder of a past
I can't ever go back
The night time kills me
I'm so jaded and closed
A bitter young girl
Facing horrors unknown
The night time kills me
Robbed of my sanity
My will to survive
So I write
The night time kills me
With a need to end it all
A need to have someone
Catch me when I fall
The night time kills me
As it watches me collapse
When I can't go to sleep
When tears fall so fast
The night time kills me
Reminding me I'm so alone
When I want someone to be there
Or just pick up a phone
The night time kills me
Because I can't face being me
Not another day
No other way to fail
The night time kills me
And yet it keeps me alive
When it should let me die.
Written: April 4th, 2006
"Untitled"
The world seems so barren
Lost and without life
Without rhyme or reason
Full of pain and strife
All that's left to do is die
For me anyway
Someone who's life is still new
So young to feel this way
So young to have been so full
Of love and innocence once
And now be bitter and sad
Depressed all the time
Lost in the thoughts
That cross my mind
Today my day was bad
Another year is closing without you
So many hours
So many minutes
And I wandered through
Somehow 9 years later still here
Still missing you
Grieving as if it were yesterday
That you got ripped from my life
But I hold you to my heart
So your memory survives
On days like today
I wonder if I'm crazy
And I've lost my mind
Because everything's all jumbled
And I can't slow myself down
Take a step back
And get perspective again
Seems like there's only pain
Agony and defeat
And feeling so empty
Without half of me
Half of my soul
The rest to make me whole
The talk of Heaven and Hell
The only Hell is Earth
Living, and struggling on it
A world with so much hurt
That you just want to end the pain
Everyone's pain
Caused so needlessly
People like me
Who knows the real Hell is to survive
To life a half life
Without your soulmate
Wanting to die
Yet staying for a higher cause
So as to not cause more hurt
In a place where life has no worth.
Where there is really no point
The the words you put on a page
Where love is a thing that is fake
And few mean what they say
But I can say this now
I love you so
And the hardest thing in this world is to live in it
When I had to let you go
Now I love my family
Of that be sure
But I would give it all to be with you again
And hold that heart so pure
I anxiously await
The day I am with you
And I can touch your face
And you say my name
With a voice laced with the purest love any can know
And I'll never again have to let you go
And survive long years
Living with the pain and the agony
Long years of you not with me
But I can't be with you yet
It must not be my time
So I will wait
And never forget
And when the day comes
I won't cry
I'll rejoice
And I wish others would too
For knowing I'm safe
Because I'm with you
I love you.
Written: April 4th, 2006
"Thank You"
Feel like all of my dreams have come true
I stopped running from you
Running from the one thing that could heal my soul
Had to stop and breathe and feel the pull
From sources so well known
Telling me to let it go
Let love flow
Into my heart and heal it again
From a long hard pain
That threatened to drive me insane
With the hurt that went so deep
So far into me
I didn't know how to be without it
Its still unfamiliar territory
But I'm so happy
I feel so loved
And for the first time in 9 long years
This is enough
No more tears
It makes me whole
I feel so full
Of life and love and reasons to live
I found untapped reservoirs of love to give
Love I didn't know I had
And I stopped running, put my fear aside
I was so afraid to be alive
So scared I would forget
But I didn't
If anything I remember more than ever
Our time together
You have blessed me with a second chance
One I don't deserve
But I'm going to hold it with all I have
And remember all we were
I won't make the same mistakes
I won't take this for granted
I will give my all
And make my stand
I will dance I will sing
I will rejoice in all the freedom love can bring
I will cherish those fleeting moments
And count each one
Where just looking into her eyes
Makes me fall so much more in love
Where a smile says it all
Where I am not afraid to fall
So much deeper again
No more pain
I'm happy
For the first time without you
Completely happy
I'm so confused
But I don't care
You are always going to be there
You blessed me
With a love that fills me when you can't
And I'll always miss you
But I have a chance
To know your love again
To know the depth all the same
I feel you
No more crying, calling your name
I have someone more than willing to help bear my pain
On days when she isn't enough to calm me
Days like the anniversary
But I promise you here and right now
I will not forget you
I will let her in
I will accept her love
And give her all I have to give
Thank you for loving me so much
That you will watch me love another
From heaven above
You will hurt yourself to give me that
And I know its true
That you wish that I was there with you
I do too sometimes
But you have given me my life
Given so much for me to have this
Thank you
April 10th, 2006
"When The Water Flows"
I can feel the pull of the water calling me
The thunder is booming loud
And the lighting is striking all around
It soothes away the rough edges
Takes the bite off the pain
Its not so sharp when it rains
I'm just so confused and so sorry
And I've spent so much time reviewing
Every word we said
Wish it was all on me
So I had a reason to feel so dead
Instead I was just the messenger in the middle
And I still did something wrong
Something I thought I couldn't screw up
But I did, just like everything else
So when the water called I wanted to answer
Just dive in and disappear
Take comfort in the flow
And not be here
I could watch it stream all day
Feel it surround my skin
Holding me in its whole embrace
And just for a little while
Take away the hell I live in
More than anything right now
I want to dive right in
So I don't have to be sorry
Don't have to be confused
Don't have to be me
Don't want to be anything
Just a girl in the water
Swimming in the rain.
Written: April 21st, 2006
writerfreak