Title: Meeting Expectations
Author: TaranWillow4Ever
Rating: PG -R
Disclaimer: Josh owns all of the characters; I just imagine other lives for them.
Spoilers: None; Totally AU
Distribution: Sure, just tell me where you are putting it.
Feedback: Please, I am playing with POV, sorry to those who don't like inconsistency.
Note: This story contains elements of abuse - physical and emotional, that are either eluded to if not outright described. If anything of this sort bothers you, then please do not read this story
Chapter Three: Oregon
Tara
Tara and Willow had both ordered half sandwiches with chips and a pickle at the nearby deli. Tara had eaten most of hers when she looked up and saw that most of both the sandwich and the chips were still there and Willow was just moving her chips around the plate. Tara said, “So I see that you still don’t eat much”
“I have my good days and my bad days. I’m just not that hungry right now.”
“I’ve heard that before. Willow, it is me Tara, Please don’t lie to me about your eating.”
“Seriously, I am not lying. I guess I am sort of nervous, I lose my appetite pretty easily.”
“Do I make you nervous?”
Oh Goddess, I make her nervous, she doesn’t want to be here. I could just go read. Just tell me if you realized that you want nothing to do with me. “Um…sort of…not really…yes…It is not you, it is the situation. I’ve been so looking forward to seeing you, but now that you are here, I don’t know what to say to you. I’ve had so many conversations with you in my brain, and I’ve got to remember that you are not privy to any of them. There are so many questions I want to ask you, and I don’t know which ones are appropriate, or which ones I should ask.”
“So tell me about some of these conversations or questions you want to ask and I’ll figure out which ones to answer and which ones are appropriate.”
Willow blushed, “Well, initially I spent a lot of my time sort of just making a running commentary about my day and my thoughts. If I’d written you all the things I wanted to, you would have had a very full mailbox. I just wanted to share everything with you. It was hard not knowing where you were or what you were doing. I missed you so much. I felt really hopeful when I got your letter, but as the months progressed, I began to feel hopeless. Honestly, I didn’t think I was ever going to see or talk to you again. I really doubted that we’d ever see each other again.
“It was hard for me too. I was really surprised to find out that you’d not just gone on with your life and forgot about me.”
“I could never forget you.”
“Well, I can understand if you were questioning where I had gone and other things. ”
I wonder if she is or has dated anyone. She’s not talking. She’s going to tell me that she just wants to be friends. Willow say something, please “Do you think you’ll ever feel comfortable telling me about it?”
“About what?”
“Tara”
Oh, she wants to know about what happened. I don’t want to tell her. “I don’t know. There is a lot of it I just want to forget.”
“Is that working for you?”
“Yeah…no..sort of?” Willow looked at Tara and she was aware that she was busted.
“Are you talking to someone?”
“Sort of.”
“Huh? Either you have a therapist or you don’t.?”
“Well, I have a therapist, she’s not anything like Dr. Holt, but I’ve told her some stuff. She encouraged me to come see you. She said that I got a sort of happy glow whenever I talked about you, and she thought that you were good for me.”
“I like her.”
“You are such a goof.”
“Yep, that is me Willow the goof.”
The girls looked around and saw that there were people waiting to get a table. Willow asked for a ‘to go’ bag and put most of her sandwich in it and asked to put it in Tara’s knapsack.
“So what do you want to do now?” asked Willow.
“I don’t care.”
“Well, we can go to my room and hang out, we can go for a walk through the forest, we can walk to the beach. I’m not sure we will be able to go on the beach because it is tribal land and you are supposed to get permission, but we can go look over the cliffs and see where the river meets the ocean.”
“I really don’t care. I am just happy being here with you.”
your room sounds good, but I don’t think it is a good idea. I just want to kiss you. I better put my hands in my pocket before I do something inappropriate with them. “Me too.” They walked back toward the hotel.
“So are you up to a six mile walk?” asked Willow.
“Sure, are you?”
“Yeah, I tend to walk more than that a day. Walking is how I get my exercise. “
“Remember when they wouldn’t let you walk hardly at all when we were at the Maples. I thought that you were going to go crazy.”
Willow laughed, “I’ve got a lot of excess energy that I need to burn off or I feel sort of crazy.”
They walked along the path beside the street for a few minutes in silence, then Tara asked, “So Will…have you really gotten a handle on your eating disorder. You hardly ate anything, and now you are telling me that you walk more than 6 miles a day.”
“No, it’s not that, I just like being outside. I like walking. I promise that I am doing a good job not restricting or purging. I haven’t lost any weight in almost five months. Once I got a better understanding of what created my eating disorder, it was a lot easier to get control of it.”
“Can I ask what you discovered?”
“Sure.” Willow was silent.
“Are you waiting for me to ask you what you discovered?”
“No” said Willow shaking her head. “I just don’t know where to start. My therapist and I have come up with several reasons that kind of combined to cause it. I haven’t quite figured out which is the most important or which is the strongest. Of course, most people think that the main reason is that I wanted to feel some control in my life, my parents were trying to micromanage me, and that was one of the only things that they couldn’t control. But I don’t really think that is most of it. How much do you remember about my story?”
“Not much, I know you were adopted, and I know things were not so great before you got adopted.”
Willow talked about all the reasons for the development of her eating order. Tara could imagine the little red head doing all the things that she described. Tara was pulled out of her imagination when she heard Willow ask “Wanna hear something funny?”
“Sure,” Tara stopped and looked at Willow.
“They were so surprised, how I started talking was by reading a book aloud. I had taught myself how to read by looking at the picture books”
“That doesn’t surprise me at all. Willow, I just wish I could hug that little kid. You must have been so scared.”
“I guess. I don’t really remember. You can hug the big kid if you want?” Willow looked at Tara with a flirtatious grin.
Tara put her arms around the smaller girl and gave her a big hug.
she still smells so good. Do I have to ever let go A car passed them and honked its horn causing the girls to jump apart. Tara began to put her hand back in her pocket, but Willow took the one closest to her
“Is this all right?”
Tara nodded her head.
Yes it is wonderful. I love holding your hand. I want to hold your hand forever. “So what happened after you started to read and talk?”
Willow told Tara about all of the stuff that had happened. When Tara realized that Willow had almost died, she wanted to shake the girl and tell her that she couldn’t do that. She had to stay alive. She heard her say, “I passed out and kinda had a heart attack.”
“Willow you can’t kinda have a heart attack.” said Tara.
“Well, my heart started beating funny, I had some sort of electrolyte imbalance. They force fed me and got me up to a weight that was high enough for what they called health. By then it really was a power struggle which I kept up until just recently. It got even harder when the Carley stuff happened and my parents didn’t believe me. It made me stop wanting to try. Also, getting all girly wasn’t something I wanted. I didn’t want my period; I didn’t want to be noticed by anyone for being a girl. It was so much easier just not to…to..develop.”
“Hence the baggy androgynous clothing.”
“Yes. I could pass as a younger boy and just sort of fade into the woodwork.”
“Do..Do..Do you still n..n..not like being a girl?”
Willow laughed, “I like it alright. It’s not like I wanted to be a boy, it was just that I knew I liked girls ‘like that’ and the only way I could conceptualize it was by being a boy. Boy’s liked girls. It’s not like my parents presented anything other than heterosexuality to me, and I was sort of cloistered. When I discovered it, everything fell into place, but by then I was so deep into the disease that it really didn’t matter.”
“Oh.” Tara blushed.
I wonder what she does look like naked. She is so skinny…I want to see that. I am very happy that she is a girl. “Why are you blushing.”
“Well, I was just thinking that I like that you are a girl.”
“How come?” asked Willow trying to look innocent.
“Willow” said Tara looking uncomfortable
I can’t tell her why.
“What?” Willow batted her eyelashes.
“You know.”
“I know a lot, genius here” she pointed to herself, “but I don’t know what you are thinking, I’m not psychic.”
“It would be so much easier if you were. Then I could just have you look into my mind, see all the things that are in it, and figure if you really wanted to be around it.”
“I am pretty sure that I would. Listen, Tara. Let’s sit down over there.” She pointed at a bench up the way. They both walked there and sat down. Willow took both of her hands and looked directly into Tara’s blue eyes.
Don’t look at her. She’ll see how damaged you are. “Tara look at me.” Tara looked at Willow; the green orbs glistened when she looked into them. “. “I hear that you think that I can’t handle all the stuff that has happened to you. But I am pretty sure I can. I don’t know how we can even pursue any type of relationship without some honesty and sharing.”
Oh my goddess, did she just say what she did, did she talk about a relationship. Maybe she just means friends. Tara looked down. “Is that really what you want? T..t..to p…p..pursue a r..r..r..relationship with m..m..me”.
“More than anything in the world.”
“Really?”
“Really,” She paused, “Tara, I know we haven’t seen each other in almost two years, but the feelings I was having when you left are still really strong, I’m not going to use the “L” word, because it has so much stuff surrounding it, but I like you A LOT.”
“As a friend or…”
“As an Or. I still want to be your girlfriend. I need to know do you feel the same way?”
“Yeah. But it is scary. We live so far apart, and you’re still in high school. I’ve never…”
“Actually I am in college, but I am still 16, there is no way around that. But I am sure that there are lots of daycares around colleges, we can figure it out if you want to, and ‘the I’ve never’… we can take care of it when the time comes. I wouldn’t ask you to do anything you were not comfortable with. ”
Tara looked shyly at Willow who was still holding her hands, “I would be comfortable with kissing you.”
“That would be really comfortable.” Willow kneeled on the bench and put her lips on the other girls lips. At first it was a tentative kiss. Willow pulled away to look in Tara’s eyes to make sure it was ok, Tara was pretty sure that her feelings were reflected clearly in her eyes. Willow continued kissing her gently, then Tara felt Willow’s tongue licking her lips and it seemed like she was trying to encourage Tara to open her mouth. Tara was not familiar with the unwritten code of kissing, but tried to mirror what Willow was doing and soon she too was using her tongue to explore the other girl’s lips and mouth. It was so much different than the other times. Their kisses were always rough and she often felt like they were trying to put their tongues down her throat. Willow’s was soft and gentle; it was like another hand, just lightly touching the parts of her mouth. Tara tried to shake away the memories of her past, and enjoy the present experience. She literally shook her head which cause Willow to abruptly pull away.
“Are you OK?” she asked, seeing a hint of pain in Tara’s eyes.
“Yeah, I just had a thought that I was trying to shake away. I guess instead of mentally shaking it away, my head shook too. Sorry.”
“No problem.” Willow looked into Tara’s eyes and held onto her hands. “Is it anything that you want to tell me? If you are having bad thoughts when I kiss you we don’t have to…”
“No Willow! I really enjoyed it. It was great, I just have stuff that goes through my head…” Tara tried to break eye contact with Willow.
“I know. I do too, but I am hoping we can create some memories together that will overpower the bad past memories.”
“That will be nice, really nice.” Tara smiled shyly. She looked around at the road. If we want to get all the way to the beach we should start walking again, shouldn’t we?
“I guess. It’s not really that important. I just wanted to give us something to do. We could sit here all day if you wanted.”
“Well, I always like looking at the ocean…”
“Then too the ocean we should go.” Willow hopped up and took Tara’s hand.
Willow wondered why they had said that the ocean was three miles away, actually it seemed like they were able to get there is far less time than it would take to walk to the beach. They found a public access area and walked down the steep stairs and onto the beach. It was a lot colder on the beach then it was on the road, and Tara was glad that she had brought Willow’s sweatshirt because the thin girl was starting to shiver despite her own jacket. They found a group of rocks that had a good view of the ocean but were far enough from the shore that they would not get wet by the waves and sat down. Even after putting on the sweatshirt, Willow was still visibly shivering, so Tara suggested that she sit closer to her. Willow cuddled up under Tara’s arm and they sat quietly looking at the ocean. Each filled with thoughts that they were not sure whether or not they wanted to share with the other.
Tara enjoyed the feeling of having Willow nestled against her body. For so much of her life, Tara had felt small and vulnerable, but compared to Willow, she was substantial. Tara felt a protective and loving feeling toward the redheaded girl. After sitting there for a few minutes, Willow looked up at Tara. Without thinking, Tara closed the distance between them and they began to kiss again. This time, Tara was able to stay present and to enjoy the feeling of Willow’s soft lips upon her own. Soon, Willow’s neck got uncomfortable, and she moved herself so that she was sitting between Tara’s legs facing her. The sun was hitting Willow’s red hair and making it shimmer with the multitude of actual colors in the girl’s red hair. Each girl found began touching the other’s face in a way that seemed like they were trying to imprint the contours into their memories. For some of the time, they just looked into each other’s eyes and smiled at each other. Neither girl wanted to talk about the fact that they had no idea about when they would see each other again. Time went very fast.
The sun was starting to go down, so they hurried back to Willow’s hotel, not dilly dallying to see things like they had on the way. Once they got to the hotel, they looked at each other expectantly. Neither knew what to do now. It was dark, so hiking was out of the question. Tara wanted Willow to invite her up to her room, but figured that the girl felt like she’d think it was too forward.
Go for it Maclay, take a risk “Will?”
“Yeah.”
“Can we go up to your room instead of standing around the lobby?”
The look of relief on the other girl’s face was palatable. “Yeah, sure…my roommates might be there, but they are a nice group of girls, we can all hang out.”
I hope they are not, I hope they are not. But what if they aren’t, will she want to? Do I want to? I really liked kissing. They walked into the room that Willow shared with two other girls who were in the visiting program.
“Hey Willow, you missed a really good trip. It was fun. A bunch of us are going to go down into town and get some pizza do you and your friend want to come?”
“Um, no thanks. We’ve got stuff. But thanks anyway. Oh, my manners, this is my friend Tara, Tara this is my roommate Beth.”
“N..N..Nice to meet you.” Said Tara.
“Well, Willow. We’re off. We’ll make a point to call up first when we get back so we don’t interrupt anything. “Tara saw the girl wink at Willow.
Once the girls had left, Tara looked over at Willow and asked, “W..w..what did y..y..you tell them a..a..about me?”
“Nothing. I swear!” said Willow emphatically, “I guess we are glowing or something.”
“Maybe they are perceptive. Are you sure that you didn’t let on who I was?”
“No. It was bad enough worrying myself about what was going to happen, why would I want two strangers wondering too. No, I just said you were an old friend.”
Tara saw the look on Willow’s face when she said ‘old friend’ and could easily see what the others had seen. Willow’s eyes and face lit up.
Oh my goddess, I make that look appear on her face.“What are you looking at?” asked Willow.
“Nothing” said Tara not wanting to try to explain.
“You are smirking, you’ve got to be thinking about something.” Said Willow as she flung herself onto the bed and then sat against the headboard.
“Well…” said Tara. She went and sat down at a chair that was at the table adjacent to the bed. “You got this dreamy smirky look on your face when you said ‘old friend’. I think that anyone who saw it would kinda guess that there is something there.”
“Really?”
“Uh huh.”
“Well, there is something there. I am crazy about you.” Willow paused, “I know that it’s been a long time and it doesn’t make sense, but I feel the same feelings that I was having almost two years ago. It doesn’t feel like it really has been that long.”
“I know what you are talking about. I hope that it is always this way, ‘cause I see a lot of hellos and farewells in our immediate future, if we can just pick up from where we left off, it will be a lot easier.”
“I guess. I am going to start looking at Colleges around here and the Bay Area. I was going to stay another year at the community college, but I already have enough credits to start as a second semester sophomore. If I get into a good school, I don’t think my parents will care that I start college this year.”
“Really? I wouldn’t want my 16 year-old to go off to college.”
“Well, you are not Ira and Sheila Rosenberg. It is all about how it looks to others. They get to brag that their genius daughter has started college. Who cares about my psychological health? I feel like I had to grow up pretty fast, I think I can handle college. I probably should live in a dorm for at least a year, I’m not sure I have what I need to live on my own, and I don’t think that my parents would pay for my own apartment.
“I’ve always thought about applying to Berkley, what do you think about the Bay Area?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been there. Before I was at the Maples, I hadn’t been more that 30 miles away from where I grew up.”
“Where did you grow up?”
“A place called Bishop. It’s near the Nevada border. That is why once they took me; they brought me all the way up here so I’d be as far away from Daddy as possible.”
“Why did they have to take you so far away?”
“It is a long story.”
“I hope you will start telling me it sometime.”
“I will, but I just want our last two hours to be nice and fun, not sad. I was thinking we could maybe watch a movie.”
“Are you going to stay in that chair?”
“Do you want me to?” said Tara smiling at Willow.
“No, you come over here.” Willow gestured to the space beside her.