Title: Meeting Expectations
Author: TaranWillow4Ever
Rating: PG-R for now
Disclaimer: Josh owns all of the characters, I just imagine other lives for them.
Spoilers: None
Feedback: Please
Thoughts in italics.
Note: This story contains elements of abuse - physical and emotional, that are either eluded to if not outright described. If anything of this sort bothers you, then please do not read this story
Chapter One: The Maples (cont)
Willow
Willow couldn’t believe how glad she was to finally be back to The Maples. What had initially seemed like a hellish prison had become her refuge and the place where she felt most safe. She knew that the reason for this was mostly due to her roommate, Tara Maclay with whom she realized she was falling in love. She left her parents talking to the staff, undoubtedly telling them about the weekend, that she had thought went well, but Sheila had felt that she’d been giving too much “lip”.
When she entered the room she saw Tara lying on her bed.
I so wish I could just go over there and lay down with her. I know that it would make me feel so much better to be held in her arms and comforted. . This daydream was interrupted by Tara asking,
“Sad to be back?”
“No.”
“Then what is the matter, sweetie.”
She called me sweetie, can’t keep up this glum mood when she calls me sweetie Willow smiled.“My parents are sending me to boarding school; I only get to stay here two more weeks.”
“Well that means you are getting out of here right? That is good…” stated her roommate.
am I imagining it, or does she sound sad…just wishful thinking Rosenberg. “No. Don’t tell anyone, but this is actually the best place I’ve ever been. It’s safe, the staff and peers are nice, I have a great roommate. I don’t want to go to Boarding School. It is so far away, and it seems like it has lots of rules. You have to wear uniforms and the uniforms are skirts. I am going to just die.”
“That sucks. I am sorry.” Willow could tell that her roommate really meant this comment. “I know how much you hate skirts and dresses. I can’t imagine you in a uniform without your sweatshirt.”
“Yeah, I am sure that it is not “allowable clothing”… Well, I guess I just will have to make the most of these next two weeks. Can you believe that they are going to take me straight from here to there, I don’t even get to spend any more time at home.”
“I wish there was something better I could say than it sucks.” Willow noticed that Tara was looking at her with concern and understanding. This just broke the dam that had been building behind her eyes, and she threw herself on the bed and began to cry.
Willow heard a small voice say, “I wish I could comfort you.”
“I wish you could too. I really missed you.” Willow sat up from the bed and looked at Tara.
She looks so beautiful, I wish I could just go to the girl and have her hold me, tell me that everything will be all right. . Willow moved to the foot of her bed.
“I missed you too, a lot. It was a really long weekend,” said Tara. The older girl moved to the end of her bed so that they were just about a foot away from each other, but still meeting the letter of the double roommate laws.
Willow looked at her roommate and unconsciously licked her lips.
I so want to kiss her. Damn these rules, why couldn’t’ we have met somewhere else. Just then staff came knocking on the door to announce that room time was over.
Willow couldn’t keep her mind on anything other than the fact that she was going to lose Tara in less than two weeks. That she was going to go to some therapeutic boarding school that promised that they would keep a good eye on her and turn her into a proper young lady. Buffy noticed her mood and asked her in the meeting if everything was alright.
“No, actually it isn’t. My parents decided that they’d rather send me to a Therapeutic Boarding School than here, so I have to leave in less than two weeks. I don’t want to go to some stupid school that tells me how to dress.”
‘Uniforms eh,” commented Faith. “I got sent to one of those before, didn’t last more than a week. I got in a fight the first time that someone looked at me funny. They also didn’t like how I wore my skirt, what is the point of wearing a plaid skirt if it is down to your knees.”
Anya laughed, and when glared at by the staff, raised her hand. When she was acknowledged she said, “I didn’t care about the uniforms, was a handy thing for some of my boyfriend’s fantasies, but I hated the fact that they kept such an eagle eye on us. It was almost as bad as here. I got kicked out for being caught… let’s see, how to say this…we got caught with his pants down…”
Ick, I didn’t need to have that picture in my head Cordelia raised her hand, “I got kicked out for drinking, surprise, surprise. We didn’t have to wear uniforms, but they still had a lot of rules. Daddy was pissed he lost a whole two months of tuition.”
“Thanks guys, was there anything good about being there?” asked Willow.
“Well, the food was kinda good, and I learned a lot, that is before I got kicked out” said Anya.
“I wasn’t there long enough” said Faith.
“The guys were cute” added Cordelia.
Not going to help, and the girls I am sure will not be as cute as Tara Willow looked over at Tara. The girl seemed to be in her own little world. Willow wondered what she was thinking about. When the girl noticed her staring, she smiled.
that smile lights up my entire world. Willow sighed.
The meeting continued without any information that made Willow feel any better than she had before. It seemed that the evening dragged on and she resented having to watch a stupid movie and not even get to sit near Tara. She was relieved when it was room time.
Willow was disappointed when she saw that Tara seemed engrossed in her music. She had been hoping to talk to the blond haired girl and tell her what was going on in her head. Finally after lights out, Tara took off her headphones and seemed to be getting ready to sleep. Willow whispered, “Tara, are you still awake? Can we talk?”
She heard the girl whisper back “Sure,” and Tara moved herself so that they were lying facing each other on their beds.
“Remember I said that I really missed you before…” Willow felt the perspiration welling in her hands and her body began to shake.
Come on Rosenberg, you can do it. You practiced this, come on. .
“Yeah, I really missed you too.” replied the girl lightly.
“No, Tara I don’t think you get it, I MISSED you. Um..um..” Willow felt her body shake even more. “Um…Tara I realized what I sort of already suspected, I have feelings for you. Feelings that are more than what normal roommates have for each other. I don’t want to scare you or anything, I would never do anything, but I thought that you should know so if you wanted to move or something, you could.”
“Willow, I wouldn’t want you to move any more than I’d expect you to want to move if you found out I had feelings for you too.”
I am sure that I did not hear that correctly, it sounded like she said she had feelings for me too. “You do?” said Willow. “You know what I am talking about right, feelings…like romantic ones.”
like I want to kiss and touch you, don’t say that. She is taking it well, don’t blow it. “Yes, Willow, I may have been sheltered, I may have been brought up really religious, but I know what feelings are. My mom talked about them with me before she died. She was pretty clear about explaining the feelings and sensations, and that’s what I am experiencing, all of it”
“Really?” Willow felt so relieved. She had entertained the chance that her feelings were reciprocated, but she had convinced herself that it couldn’t be true.
“Really.”
Now what do I say. Just dive in, you know what you want to do and you know what you think you should do, suggest it.“Well, um… I know you are all “rule following girl” so I’m not going to suggest us doing anything” she paused,
Oh shit what I am I saying “Not that I would suggest it even if you were like…like…Faith, all fuck the rules, ‘cause we just said we liked each other and that is a big deal…”
“What were you trying to say sweetie?”
“Sweetie, I like the sound of it.”
“Cool, I like the sound of saying it. But what were you asking before?”
“I was wondering if we could…if I could…hold your hand. It can’t be too much against the rule, it’s part of a lot of the things we do here, and it wasn’t listed as the things that roommates couldn’t do…”
Tara took Willow’s hand. Willow immediately realized how moist her hand was and hoped that the girl wouldn’t be disgusted. She didn’t seem to be. “That feels nice,” Willow sighed.
“Yes it does. You know what you said about Faith, all that not following the rules, she…she..she said she knew that we had feelings for each other, that she could see it in how we look at each other. Do you think that others see it?”
“Um…I doubt that many people are looking for it…and they are always saying that “feelings are ok, it is behaviors that can be the problem…Tara?”
“Yes?”
“Well, while I was home…I kinda made us two internet identities, so we could keep in touch after we aren’t here. I know it is against the rules and we are not supposed to exchange any information, but I felt like I had to figure out a way to keep in touch with you. I did it even before they told me I was going to the school. I made mine tnwffe99 and yours wntffe99, they are both at sunnymail.com. Do you know how to email?”
“Sort of, I was just learning about it at school. I don’t have a computer at home, but we had to do our assignments on one, so I used the school one. I haven’t used the internet very often.”
“Well, I’ve always been ‘computer girl’, so I’ll give you really clear instructions. The names are for Willow and Tara friends forever 1999, I did the friends ‘cause I was going to tell you about it even if you didn’t have similar feelings…”
“That is really great, email has a password right?” asked Tara.
“Uh huh, the password is Maples99 I figured we’d both remember the name of this place and the year.”
Tara yawned. “Sorry, I didn’t sleep so well this weekend.”
“Me either, I missed listening to you breathe, your presence makes me feel better.”
Tara squeezed Willow’s hand. “Me too. However, we better flip back to our usual sleeping positions, so that they don’t shine on our heads and see our feet.
“I guess… I’d rather fall asleep holding your hand.”
I’d actually really like to fall asleep holding all of you. But that is too dangerous. “So would I. Someday?”
“ I sure hope so.”
and I hope that the someday is not too far in the future. +++
Willow woke up and saw Tara trying to quietly gather her clothes for a shower. Willow looked over at the girl and realized that life was beautiful, she liked this girl and this girl liked her. She couldn’t help but smile. When Tara stood up from her dresser, she turned to look at Willow and was surprised at seeing her friend grinning like a Cheshire cat.
“What are you smiling at?” whispered the blond.
“You, you are so beautiful.” whispered Willow back, “and I got to hold your hand.” She did a little jig on her bed.
“Watch out, if you grin like that on the unit they are going to think you are high or something.”
“I am high, high on Tara Maclay.”
“Well, you better keep it in the room; we don’t want it to be the last time we get to hold hands.”
“Ok”. Willow worked to calm herself down while Tara was in the bathroom, and by the time she came back, she had put on her game face and looked like the Willow who was usually on the unit. The two kept this up through breakfast, morning meeting and the beginning of school. Dr. Holt came to get Tara first for therapy, and afterwards went to get Willow.
All through class Willow had been pondering what she was going to tell her therapist. To some extent she wanted to be able to be honest and have a neutral party to bounce her feelings off, but on the other hand, Dr. Holt was a staff member and had the power to ruin the situation. Willow was still battling with the decision while they walked down the hallway.
Willow sat down in the therapy session and realized that she was not wearing her sweatshirt.
what the fuck am I doing to do with my hands.“You don’t have your security sweatshirt on today, how come?” asked the therapist.
“Um, I guess I was sort of warm, and just forgot to put it on.”
“Ok. I have trouble believing that. I think it has far much more significance.”
“What do you think it means?”
“I think you are finally feeling secure here and don’t need it to feel ok.”
“Whatever”
she thinks she knows so much “Ok, so tell me about your home visit. It was interesting to meet your parents.”
“Yeah, I bet she had nothing good to say. I still don’t know why they adopted me. It feels like for the last five years all they’ve been trying to do is fix me.”
“What is broken about you?”
“I’m just not a carbon copy of them. I guess they thought that by picking a red haired kid, I’d just look and act like them. I’d be just like what they imagined their biological kid would be like. But I’m not. I am my own person. I am SO different from her, and I’m glad that I am. Sometimes I hate her. I especially hate her now.”
“Her? Your Mom? Why?”
“Yes my Mom. Why do you think? Because she is sending me to some boarding school where she can dump me until I go to college, and I’ll answer your question before you ask, I feel like she is dumping me, because it being a “real” school, they will figure that I can just stay there until I graduate. Too many people know that this place is kind of like a hospital, they are sending me half-way across the country, none of their friends will know that the new boarding school is a therapeutic one. They will just think that Ira and Sheila sent their brilliant kid to a boarding school so she would get the best education possible.”
“Sounds like you are feeling abandoned by them; abandoned by another set of parents.”
“You think?” said Willow sarcastically.
I can’t deal with that part of it yet. I’ll just ignore the other comment about abandonment “The thing that bothers me the most is that usually my Dad has my back, he’s the voice of reason. I tried to talk to him about the decision this weekend, but he just said the decision was made and that it made more sense economically and realistically for me to go to the school. I don’t want to leave here and go to boarding school. I wanted to graduate from this program and go home.”
“Sounds like you are feeling betrayed by your Dad too. So why do you want to stay here?”
“I have friends here. I haven’t had a lot of friends before, and those that I did have, like my softball buddies, my parents hated.”
“You don’t talk a lot about softball. Tell me about it.”
Willow looked at Dr. Holt, “You’re just trying to trick me. You want me to find out what I am going to say about Carley.”
“Who is Carley?”
“Huh. You can’t claim not to know. Come on Dr. Holt. It is one of the reasons I am here, it’s one of the reasons that I went over the bend onto anorexia, well not really but still, it definitely didn’t help.”
“Willow, all this time in therapy and you give me so much in the fourth to last session.”
“What do you mean?” asked Willow.
“Well, you just mentioned some Carley girl, reasons for your anorexia, and feelings of betrayal and abandonment from your parents. All of these could easily months of therapy. Well, I don’t know about the Carley thing, are you willing to talk about one of the three issues?”
“How much time do we have?”
“About 15 minutes.”
“Ok, well, I can probably talk about the Carley thing in that time. There really isn’t much to say. Carley was my softball coach. I had a crush on her, she reciprocated, it was good until she decided to use me as a plaything. She kept threatening with telling my parents if I didn’t do what she told me to do. She told even though I did everything. She convinced them that I had a crush and that I’d imagined everything. My parents believed her over me, using information from my lying about food stuff. My parents asked me why I would have a crush on a girl, I admitted to being gay, they freaked out especially my mom.”
“Seems like another example of your parent’s not being there for you.”
“Uh huh.”
“So…we got a dilemma here Willow. Remember those confidentiality comments I made at the beginning of your stay here?”
“Yeah, but don’t worry, it’s been investigated. They didn’t believe me, they believed her. Why would an attractive 25 year-old woman want to be messing around with a twelve year old? It must have been the 12 year-old’s imagination. I sure hope she’s not doing it to anyone else.”
“Why do you think she picked you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe because she knew that my parents wouldn’t believe me. Maybe ‘cause I was so vulnerable, maybe because I did have such a crush on her and worshipped the ground she walked on. I feel so stupid.”
“You shouldn’t, sounds like you were taken advantage of.”
“Yeah, I guess you can say that. I thought that it was my fault, I didn’t even know that it could be considered abuse, ‘till Tara told me. She was the first person I ever told other than my parents and the DSS lady”
“Why did you tell her?”
“The DSS lady, I had to.”
“No. Tara.”
“I don’t know. We kinda talk about everything. I can’t remember how it came up”
liar “I think you and she have developed a good friendship? Does she know you are gay? You seem pretty clear about being gay. Is that true?”
“Yeah, I told Tara she was cool with it. I’ve known since I was little, but it became really clear to me after the Carly stuff. Even though it was really terrible, there still was some good things about it. I’ve kissed a few boys, they are nothing like it, and
“Maybe you haven’t kissed the right boy?”
“Maybe you haven’t kissed the right girl.” Willow blanched
I can’t believe I said that. I’m sorry that was rude. I just get so tired of adults saying that. You wouldn’t ever tell a straight girl that she should give girls a chance. Why is it ok to tell gay kids to give the opposite sex a chance?”
“You’ve got a point. I am really sorry that our time is going to be cut short. I think I could learn a lot from you Willow.”
“You probably could.” said Willow flippantly.
Dr. Holt got up and gestured that the session was over. Willow returned to class, feeling better and happy to see Tara’s brilliant blue eyes smiling at her as she sat down at her desk.