Title: Meeting Expectations
Author: TaranWillow4Ever
Rating: PG-R for now
Disclaimer: Josh owns all of the characters, I just imagine other lives for them.
Spoilers: None
Feedback: Please
Thoughts in italics.
Note: Many types of neglect and abuse will be clearly described and alluded to in this fiction. If these types of issues cause you discomfort, please don't read this fiction.
Chapter One: The Maples
Willow
I wonder why Dr. Holt came and picked up Tara today. We don’t usually have therapy on Wednesdays; I hope she’s not going to get me. I don’t feel like talking to her. Willow was daydreaming when she was supposed to be doing her math work. It wasn’t as much fun without her roommate, and they were so far ahead, that Willow didn’t feel like s he had to push herself too hard. She was becoming lost her dream world when she was abruptly brought back to the present when a staff member called her name and told her that the nurse was here to see her.
What does she want? I feel fine and I didn’t ask to talk to her or the doctor. Willow reluctantly followed the nurse into the exam room. “Why am I here?” she asked?
The nurse responded, “I was told that I needed to weigh you to see if you’ve gained or lost any weight since you came in. Now take off your shoes and that large sweatshirt and get on the scale.”
“Why do I have to take off my hoodie.” I was wearing it last time I got weighed?
“No you didn’t, I distinctly remember telling you to take it off that time too.”
Willow glared at the woman and took off her sweatshirt and shoes. She walked over to the scale.
Think heavy thought, think heavy thoughts. Please don’t have me lose too much weight.“98 pounds, that is down four pounds from two weeks ago. Are you eating anything here?”
“Sure, but we get a lot of exercise here, maybe that is why?”
“Most of the other girls gain weight, Ms. Rosenberg, and nobody ever loses, except of course kids with your type of problems.”
Willow put on her hoodie and shoes and sat down, knowing a lecture about nutrition was about to occur. She looked around the office and she was surprised how much stuff was in it. There was a blood pressure cuff, and lots of meds, a refrigerator. Willow mentally began counting the number of medication bottles on the counter. The nurse just watched her silently.
“So what are we going to do about you losing weight?”
“Nothing?” said Willow hopefully.
“Have to do something, your parents sent you here to get better and gain weight, not lose weight.’
“So.”
“Well, I and the rest of the staff care. It was decided in a meeting yesterday that if you had lost weight, then we would have to give you a 1:1 for meals.”
“No.”
“You don’t really have a choice. Until you gain some weight, you will have a 1:1 during all meals and will be on physical activity restriction.”
“What does a physical activity restriction mean?”
“No going to the gym or playing sports. You can take leisurely strolls around campus once a day, but not any more frequently. If you are found to be exercising in your room, there will be consequence.”
“No fair. That sucks.”
“Can you say that in a more appropriate way, Miss Rosenberg?”
“Das ist echt beschissen”“What does that mean?”
“That sucks in German”
“Am I going to have to give you a time-out Willow?”
“I don’t know, are you?”
“You are really pushing it.”
Willow decided that she really didn’t want to have to prolong this issue, so she became quiet. The nurse walked her back to school, Willow was happy to see that Tara was back. She looked over at the girl and saw that she did not seem to be very happy. She tried to catch her eye, but the girl seemed to be focused on her school work.
A few minutes before lunch, a staff member came to get Willow and accompany her to the cafeteria. It was one of her least favorite staff members, so this annoyed Willow even more. As they were walking, the staff member told her that she needed to get at least half a sandwich, a piece of fruit, some type of desert and a drink, and that she couldn’t talk to her friends until she was done eating.
“Oh Man!,
“Das ist echt beschissen””
‘Excuse me?”
“Nothing.”
“I know it was something, what did you say?”
“Nothing important, sorry.” Willow looked forlornly toward the staff member. They walked into the cafeteria. Willow picked out the smallest sandwich she could find, a very small apple, a cookie, and a carton of milk. They walked over to a table and sat down. A few minutes later, Tara came over and sat down.
Please don’t let this be embarrassing, please, please. Willow felt humiliated when the staff member rudely told Tara that Willow couldn’t talk until she was done eating lunch.
Like not letting me talk to my friends is going to encourage me to eat. Totally opposite, some of the times that I actually have eaten was because I was talking to Tara and Buffy and didn’t really pay attention to what I was eating.Willow stared at the food and willed herself to eat some of it. It looks so disgusting.
Ok, you can do this. She took a small bite of the sandwich and swallowed it with some milk. She did the same with a bite of each of the foodstuffs until they were all almost gone.
“I can’t eat anymore.”
“Well, I was told that you had to eat it all, so I guess we will just sit here until you are finished.”
Willow watched the rest of her group finish up their lunches and get ready for some free time.
After they all left and Willow discovered that the woman was not kidding, she put all the remaining food in her mouth and swallowed. She felt like she was going to vomit, but she knew that it would be perceived as purging, so she worked on keeping it down. She and the staff member then went back to the unit to continue the day.
This pattern occurred for dinner as well, though the staff assigned was a little nicer and allowed Willow to talk a little with her friends.
That night at bedtime, Willow felt like there was heaviness in the room. She didn’t know what to say to Tara about the dining room stuff. Tara broke the ice by saying, “So what is up with the food police?”
“I lost weight, “replied Willow. “Just a few pounds, it really wasn’t that bad…”
“So for how long do you have to have them staring at you?”
“’till I gain some weight….you know, you guys don’t need to sit with me anymore, I am sure it is a drag to have to have a staff at the table.”
“Well, I can’t speak for Buffy, but I’m not going to let you be tortured alone.”
Tara smiled at Willow, and Willow couldn’t help but smile back.
She has the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. I could get lost in those. . Willow felt herself getting flushed and hoped that she wasn’t blushing. She said, “Tara…”
“Yes, Willow. “
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Other than that one?”
Willow grabbed a pillow off her bed and placed it beside Tara who was sitting on the floor against her own bed. “After you returned from therapy today, you looked…um…different, like sorta upset, did anything happen?, not that it is any of my business. I just thought that maybe…um…you might…I don’t know…wanna talk.”
If she wanted to talk to you loser, she probably would. You are getting yourself in trouble.“Um…it was just an unexpected appointment. I usually don’t have therapy on Wednesdays. So I felt sort of frustrated, and then she was pushing me to talk about stuff and I didn’t want to, and on top of that she told me my dad was coming to my community meeting. “
“Why is that a bad thing?”
“My Dad is really pissed that DSS took custody of me, is embarrassed that my “little” problem was found out; and is frustrated that he and my brother have to fend for themselves. One of those makes for a bad thing with my Dad, three things together and it could get ugly.”
Willow felt a little scared from the tone of Tara’s comments. Instead of worrying about what the girl meant she asked, “What are you afraid will happen?”
“Nothing.”
“You sure?”
“Ok, I mostly afraid that my Dad will somehow convince everyone to just discharge me, and I’ll be back in the same situation I left. I actually kinda want to work on my problems. I won’t if I’m at home, plus the longer I am here, the more I can learn. My dad is going to insist that I drop out of school as soon as I turn 16. He thinks education is wasted on girls.”
Wow and I think my parents are bad, at least they support me going to school. Well they support that more than they actually support me, but still…“That sucks, and you are good at school. What are the chances that your dad will convince them to let him take you home?” Willow felt really scared for her roommate.
Tara responded, “I don’t think too good. It just scares me.”
Willow put her hand on Tara’s leg and said, “Well, I hope it doesn’t happen. I don’t want another roommate.”
Oh my God Rosenberg, that sounds so self centered, it’s not about you. Willow’s voice faltered, “ I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right, I really like being roommates with you, and I like you.”
Willow noticed that the girl’s eyes bugged out for a moment and then went back to normal.
I wonder what she thought that made her react that way. Oh, maybe she got scared that I was telling her I like her, in not a roommate way. Face it Rosenberg, that is what you were kind of telling her, but obviously it scared her, or did it. Shit, I wish I was better at this interpersonal shit. I don’t want to come on too strong, and/or scare her, but I do sort of like her…She’s hiding behind her hair. I must have scared her, she’s probably going to freak out and ask to be moved. Good work loser. But she is still smiling at me, what does that mean? . Willow didn’t have long to ponder the smile, because a staff member knocked on the door and told them that it was lights out.
Willow lay down on her bed and the thoughts were racing through her head at a tumultuous speed,
She was smiling at me, what it that means she does like me, what if she does, it might not be as bad as last year when I crushed out on Lauri, and then I saw her with her new boyfriend. Hey I don’t even know if Tara’s got a boyfriend. She probably does, I think if she does, then it might be easier, I won’t have all these questions and wondering. I guess I could ask her, here goes nothing. “Tara, can I ask you another question?”
“Sure.”
“I might have asked you this before, so if I did already, sorry.”
“ok.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Um, no I am here?”
“No, I mean outside of here?”
“No, you?”
Ew..no. “No way.”
Did I just say that, Oh my God, Willow you know how to suppress these things, what is happening to you. Tara responded, “W..w..Why do you ask?”
“Just wondering.”
she’s stuttering, that means I made her feel really uncomfortable. Maybe she is self-conscious because she doesn’t have a boyfriend. A girl that beautiful should have lots of girlfriends, I mean boyfriends. I wish you could just out and ask someone, do you like boys or girls. But if you do, then they ask you it back, and if you tell the truth, then you could get yourself in a lot of trouble. I really like this girl, I don’t want to scare her or do anything to make her uncomfortable. I’ve got to be just a friend. Chill Rosenberg, Chill”===
The next morning at the first meeting of the day, Tara was told that she would have to talk about the reasons for her placement at the Meadows. Willow could see the fear in her roommate’s eyes, so she did what she could to keep her friend’s spirits up. During math, she snuck Tara note that said,
Good luck today, I’m rooting and supporting you.
Willow When Tara returned from the bathroom where Willow assumed that she’d read the note with a big smile on her face, and Willow felt good that she’d brought some joy to this girl’s demeanor.
When the group circled up for the afternoon meeting, Willow could sense the apprehension in her roommate’s aura.
I wish that I could just give her a hug or hold her hand or something, not that she’d want that, but still I wish there was a way I could help her with her anxiety. Willow was hardly aware of what was going on during the meeting. She methodically reported her goal and rating, and then sat staring at the floor day dreaming. She was brought back to consciousness when she heard her roommate’s soft voice
“Um…I…I…I am here because I…I…” Willow looked at Faith to make sure that she wasn’t even thinking about teasing Tara, but it appeared that she’d learned her lesson and was just sitting there quietly like the other girls looking at Tara expectantly. There was a longer pause.
“Um, I got sent here from the hospital because I had an infection in a cut on my leg.”
“Can I ask a question? Can I help her?” piped up Anya.
“Please raise your hand before talking Anya.” admonished a staff member, “But go on, see if you can help her.”
“Tara, how did you get the cut? And maybe you should start with telling the story of your life, that usually helps keep everything in order.”
“T..t…thanks, Anya. Well, I am the youngest daughter of Elizabeth and Donald Maclay. I have an older brother, Donnie who is 19. My mama died when I was eight from cancer. I was really sad w..w..when it h..h..happened. She and I were always really close. After Mama died, I had to do a lot of the stuff she used to do, we..d..d..didn’t have a lot of m..m..money, so Daddy couldn’t pay for us to go to the doctor or anything. When I was put in the hospital, they found out that I hadn’t been to the doctor since my mama died, so they decided he must have been neglecting me, so DSS took custody and sent me here.”
Buffy raised her hand, “Tara, that doesn’t seem like the whole story? DSS doesn’t just take you ‘cause your parents are poor.”
“Well, Daddy was a little angry when he came to the hospital, and they thought that maybe he was going to hurt me. After he came yelling into my room and threatening to take me home, they took me down to a machine, that I guess was an X-ray machine. They said that I had a bunch of bones that had been fractured and healed. They thought that maybe Daddy had been hurting me.”
“Was he?” asked Amy.
“N..n..no”
“I don’t believe you” blurted out Faith.
“Faith!” said a staff member. Faith raised her hand and was acknowledged by the staff member.
“Listen Blondie, I don’t mean to disrespect you calling you that, but I don’t believe you. You don’t just get broken bones from nowhere. You are here, you don’t need to protect him. I used to think that if I didn’t tell people what my old man was doing or my mom, that maybe they’d care about me more, would be proud that I kept the secret, but they weren’t they just thought that I was weak and kept on beating on me. As much as I hate being in DSS custody and being in a foster home, it’s way better than being with them.”
Anya raised her hand and a staff member nodded at her, “You still haven’t said how you got the cut that got infected? Did your dad cut you?”
“N..n..no, I cut myself.”
“Like, ‘oops’ I accidentally cut myself, or are you a cutter?”
“I guess, you’d call me a cutter.”
“Where do you cut?”
Willow watched Tara’s eyes bug out. She could see that something was going through the girl’s head, but wasn’t sure what it was. Tara looked at the staff member with a look that seemed to say, ‘do I have to answer that?” Willow saw the staff member’s affirmative response, and heard Tara take in a deep breath.
“Um…I cut places that most people can’t see. Like my legs and upper arms.”
“Anywhere else?” asked the staff member.
“No ma’am.”
“Are you sure? The nurse’s initial physical was pretty extensive.”
Willow saw Tara flush and then blanch. It looked almost like the girl was going to pass out.
“My chest,” said Tara very quietly.
“Is that it?”
“Uh huh.” Tara was looking down at the floor and Willow imagined that she wanted the floor to just take her in.
Cordelia raised her hand and asked, “So why do you cut?”
“I…I…I don’t know. I just l..l..like t..t..the f..f..f..feeling.”
Willow noted that Tara’s stutter was getting even worse and wished that the meeting was just over. She tried to look at her roommate in a reassuring way, but the girl was just staring at the floor.
“When was the last time you did it?” asked Anya.
Willow thought that she knew the answer to this and was aware that it was going to cause all sorts of problems if Tara admitted to cutting while she was at the center. Willow feared that it could even cause her roommate to be moved or kicked out or something, so she did the only thing that she knew to do to diffuse a situation.
“Why the fuck do you care, slut.” yelled Willow at Anya.
Everyone stared at Willow surprised that she had said anything. Several of the girls looked at Anya to see what she would do about this insult. Willow sensed that Anya was going to get up so she beat her to it and stood up. Immediately a staff member grabbed her arm while another grabbed Anya.
Anya yelled, “Who are you calling a slut. You’re probably just jealous, or are you some sort of fucking dyke. I see how you look at the other girls. If I was Blondie, I’d stay away from you.”
“My name is Tara,” said Tara rather quietly.
The staff members escorted Willow to one of the time-out rooms, and Anya to another. Willow walked along with the staff member and went into the room she was brought to.
“Please, don’t close the door,” said Willow. “I’ll go sit, just don’t close the door. Please.”
Willow went to sit down in the corner of the room and the staff member left the door open.
Meanwhile, the rest of the girls were sent to their rooms. After a little while, the rest of the kids minus Anya and Willow went to PE, while Anya and Willow were sent to their rooms to think about what they did.
Willow was lying on her bed filling out the form she needed to address what had happened in the meeting when Tara came into their room. A staff member was following her, and said to Tara.
“Remember you’re not supposed to talk to her as long as she is ‘out of group’”.
Tara nodded, looked Willow in the eye and smiled. Willow nodded and continued her writing. Tara got what she needed from their room and left.
I wonder if she even knows that I did it for her. I must be some sort of a fool, how am I going to explain why I did it. And do I even address what Anya said to me. I wonder what Tara thinks about it? What if she thinks I am some sort of pervert lesbian, she’ll probably want to move rooms. I don’t want her too, but I can’t say that. Think, Rosenberg, think, what is a believable reason for what you did…um…I was bothered about the idea of where she was cutting? Then it kinda brings focus onto her breast. I could just talk about why I was initially angry, the whole food thing, and pretend that it didn’t have anything to do with Tara. That would probably work. It means that I have to admit to my eating disorder, but it’s not like nobody knows.++++
At the evening meeting, Willow was the first to be asked questions about her behavior.
“So Willow, what happened?” asked the staff member.
“We were in a meeting, and I was thinking about how frustrated I was about having staff have to watch my every movement at the meals. I know I was supposed to be paying attention to Tara, but I couldn’t keep my attention. I heard my peer asking Tara something and it just popped out of my mouth. I am really sorry Anya. I didn’t mean to yell that out at you. There really is no excuse. Sometimes I find my self saying things that I am not even aware I am thinking. I wonder if I have some sort of Tourette’s Syndrome. So then I thought my peer was going to get up and hit me, and I understood why, I had just said something rude, but I didn’t want to get hit sitting down, so I stood up, then I guess the staff member thought that we were going to fight, so she grabbed me and brought me to the quiet room.”
“What were you thinking and feeling?”
“I was thinking that I just didn’t want to be in the meeting and I was feeling angry because I was thinking about the staff making me eat.”
“How did it affect your peers and staff?”
“Well, the kids had to go to their rooms, and they are having to address the issues at the group instead of having free time, and the staff maybe felt worried that there was going to be a fight. I also probably hurt Anya’s feelings.”
“What are you going to do differently next time?”
“I don’t plan for there to be a next time, but if I am feeling frustrated I will talk to a staff member.”
“Any questions?” asked the staff member.
Buffy raised her hand and asked, “Willow, I heard you begging the staff not to lock the door, how come?”
“Um… when I was a little kid, I got locked in the closet a lot, so sometimes when I get wigged out when I am in a small space and can’t get out.”
Faith raised her hand, and was acknowledged by the staff, “I don’t believe you, Re.d..I mean Willow. I think that is total bullshit.”
Just stay calm and don’t react, Rosenberg. She’s got your number. I think she may know why I did it. “I respect your opinion Faith, but it was the reason.”
“I don’t believe it, but still I’m not going to argue… How did you feel about what Anya was saying about you?”
“Um…”
I didn’t think about how I’d answer this question. Um… I guess it bothered me. I don’t like being called that just ‘cause I don’t dress all girly I don’t like it when I’m called a dyke. But I’d said something mean, so I figured she was just trying to make me mad.”
“Any more questions?” asked the staff member. There weren’t any, so the group went on to process Anya. Willow winced every time the “fucking dyke” comment got referred to. She felt herself blanching and blushing. She tried to make eye contact with Tara, but she was staring at the ground.
After the meeting, Willow chose to go to her room for free time. She was doing some math homework when Tara came into the room.
She’s going to tell me she doesn’t want to be my roommate, that I am some sort of abomination. But you’ll survive, you’ll be Ok Willow. Someday you will meet someone who accepts you for who you are. Willow was too busy thinking to notice that Tara had come over and sat down against her bed.
“Thanks,” said Tara.
“For what?” asked Willow.
“F…f..for saving me..me from having to answer Anya’s question. You did it on purpose didn’t you? So..So.. I wouldn’t have to admit that I’m still cutting.”
“What makes you think that?”
“Um…y..y..you d..d..didn’t, s..ss..sorry, that was sort of self centered of me to think…”
don’t let the poor girl fumble around thinking that she’s wrong.“You’re welcome.”