Title: Meeting Expectations
Author: TaranWillow4Ever
Rating: PG for now
Disclaimer: Josh owns all of the characters, I just imagine other lives for them.
Spoilers: None
Feedback: Please, I am playing with POV, sorry to those who don't like inconsistency.
Thoughts in italics.
Chapter One: The Maples
Willow
Willow woke up to the sound of crying. She looked over at her clock radio and saw that it was almost 3:00 am. She listened more carefully and realized that it was Tara and it seemed that she was having a bad dream. She contemplated whether she should just ignore it, tell staff or go over to try to comfort the sobbing girl. She decided to determine if Tara was awake or asleep.
“Tara, are you Ok.”
There was no answer and Willow heard Tara say “Stop,” very loudly. The sound of despair in the voice shook Willow to her core. She decided that she should probably get staff to come and help Tara.
Willow got up and knocked on her door.
“What?” yelled the staff member.
“Um…Umm… Tara seems to be having some sort of bad dream.”
“So, what do you think I can do about it?”
“I don’t know. I guess comfort her or something.”
“Ok, I’ll be in there in a minute. Just go back to sleep.”
“Well may I go to the bathroom,” asked Willow.
“Sure, make it quick though.”
Willow went to the bathroom and returned to her room. She had already laid down when the staff member walked into the room, looked at Tara who was now sleeping, and left the room. Willow felt wide awake because she’d had to go into the hall and bathroom which were very bright. She lay on her bed staring at the ceiling and listening to Tara’s breathing that had become more regular. About an hour later, Willow finally fell asleep. She was awoken several hours later by a loud pounding on the door and a gruff voice saying that it was her turn to take a shower. As the knocking began, Willow looked over to see Tara sitting up on her bed with a terrified look on her face.
“Are you Ok, Tara?” asked Willow.
“Yeah, the loud knocking scares me sometimes.”
“Me too.”
Willow went to her bureau and picked out her clothes for the day. Every few seconds she would steal a glimpse of Tara out of the side of her eyes.
She looks like an angel. Focus Rosenberg, you can’t be found ogling your roommate. Tara’s arm was up above her head on the pillow and Willow could see several bright red lines on her upper arm. She must be a cutter.
That must be why she is here.Willow went to the bathroom, took her shower, and brought her clothes back to the room. Tara was getting her stuff ready for her shower while Willow was making her bed. Willow could see several angry cuts on Tara’s legs and arms.
Wow, she is a real cutter. Tara caught her looking at her, and she quickly put on her robe that covered her arms and legs.
Willow decided that it was best just to not acknowledge that she knew she’d been caught, and went about cleaning up her part of the room. She then lay back down on top of the bed and began to read a book.
When Tara returned to the room, she was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and long pants. Willow now understood why the girl never had on short sleeved shirts or shorts. Tara needed to cover her scars, and it seemed that she was still cutting, so she needed to hide the new cuts as well. Willow watched Tara make her bed, straighten up her part of the room and sit down beside the bed and begin to read.
Tara saw Willow’s perplexed look when she chose to sit on the floor.
“It keeps the bed from getting wrinkled. Plus I like sitting on the floor.”
“Whatever,” said Willow trying to seem cool, but enjoying looking at the blond haired girl, “It kinda hurts for me to sit on the floor; kinda boney.”
“I got plenty of padding,” said Tara slapping her legs.
It’s some mighty fine padding. Willow caught herself daydreaming.
Oh yeah, your supposed to say something about her not having padding. But she does and it is wonderful. Can't say that...The two girls looked at each other, not knowing what to say to the other. They were saved by the staff loudly announcing that it was time for breakfast.
Willow, Tara and the rest of the girls lined up to walk to breakfast. Willow went through the line. Nothing looked good, in fact, everything looked horrid. She picked up a small apple and a carton of milk and went to sit down. Tara and Buffy joined her a few minutes later.
“Is that all you are going to eat Willow?” I’d get a headache if that was all I ate for breakfast.” Buffy dug into her pancakes and syrup. How can she eat that?
“Some people are not breakfast people, eh Willow” said Tara looking at Willow who was taking small sips of the milk and had taken one bite from the apple. “You should try to eat a little more, though Willow. You want a half of my toast?”
She’s offering me food off her plate, and she’s looking at you with those big blue eyes. Say something.“Ok.”
Ok? That’s not what I meant. Now you have to eat a piece of toast and an apple and milk.Willow picked up the piece of toast. Thank the goddess that there is no butter or jelly on the toast. She took a bite and washed it down with a sip of milk. Willow sensed that Tara was looking at her, but when she looked up, Tara was focused on her food. They continued eating until it was time to line up and go to the unit and school.
++++
Willow was settling into her Math work when Dr. Holt came to get her for another therapy session. They walked to the therapy room and Willow sat down at the end of the couch far away from the therapist. She put her hands inside her sweatshirt pocket and stared at the bulge.
“So how is the eating going?” asked Dr. Holt.
“Fine.”
“Really, and if I ask the staff what you had for breakfast what would they say?”
“Who cares?”
“I do.”
“Sure you do…you’re paid to work with me, you don’t know me, and you don’t really care.”
“That sounds like a script. Who wrote it?”
“Huh?” said Willow looking up at the woman. Their eyes met, and Willow could see a level of caring from the grey eyes of the older woman. She immediately went back to examining her pouch.
‘That sounds like a script. It sounds like what somebody told you.”
“Well, why would you care?”
“’cause you are a good kid, who obviously is struggling with something.”
“How do you know I’m a good kid?”
“Just a feeling.”
“Well, you’re wrong. I’m not a good kid.”
“What is so bad about you?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Well, I guess..it is my job, but it’s also my job to be here for you. It’s your session, you can do with it as you like. But I do care about you.”
Sure you do, I am fine.”
“Well, that is a good start. I am happy you think you are fine.”
“Yeah, fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional, fine.” mumbled Willow.
“What?”
“Nothing…”
“So Willow, what do you hope to accomplish while you are here at the Maples?”
“I don’t know.”
“What is the point of being in treatment if you don’t know what you want to work on?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you should ask my parents, they are the ones that wanted me here.”
“You didn’t want to come?”
“No way, I was doing ok.”
“Passing out from malnutrition is ok.”
“They over-reacted. I was fine.”
“I don’t think anyone would agree that you were fine. You were so sick that you needed tube feeding. So if I asked your parents what they wanted you to work on, what would they say?”
“I don’t know.”
‘Are you sure?”
What does this chick want from me? “Ok, I think that they would say they wanted me to eat some and get fixed.”
‘Fixed, are you broken?”
“I don’t think so, but they do.”
“What about you is broken?”
“Listen Doc, no disrespect, but you know what’s broken about me. Or you know some of the reasons I am broken I had a fucked up early childhood, an eating disorder, and have rage attacks.”
“So you admit that you have an eating disorder?”
“No…I didn’t say that.”
“Actually you did.”
Shit, why did I say that “Well, I didn’t mean it.”
“So back to my initial question, what did you have for breakfast, not what did you put on your tray, but what did you actually ingest and keep ingested.”
“Um…about half a carton of milk, two bites of an apple, and half a slice of toast.”
“And how did you feel after you ate it?”
“Full and sick. I was glad that the toast didn’t have anything on it. One of the girls from my dorm, actually my roommate gave it to me.”
“That was nice of her, does she know about your eating problems?”
“Sort of” she paused, “Yes, I guess yes, ‘cause she asked me if I was wigging out ‘cause they wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom after dinner.”
“So have you been purging?”
“What’s going to happen if I tell you? Anything I tell you in here is confidential right; I can’t get in trouble for it.”
“Well, sort of. You can’t get in trouble like a time out or something, but I’ll have to tell staff that you’ve been doing it and to keep a better watch. But actually, I already suspected it.
“So you’re the one who made the stupid rule about me not going to the bathroom after meals unless staff watch.” Willow looked at the woman with defiance coming out of her eyes.
The woman did not look phased at all, she replied, ‘Guilty as charged, it’s my job to keep all of you girls safe, and your safety involves not purging.”
“Do you want to stop purging?”
“No..I mean yes…sort of… it just hurts so much to eat, and nothing looks good. Food is so gross.”
“Is there any food that isn’t gross? If you could pick a favorite meal, what would it be?”
“Um…I used to like pizza, mushroom pizza, and mocha’s. But do you know how many calories are in a slice of pizza, or a regular mocha. More than I try to eat in a day.”
“So how many calories do you allow yourself a day?”
Less than 200, if I tell her that she’ll really have them watching me. What’s a good number that she might believe…"I don’t know.”
“Sure…”
“Ok, I try to keep it under 500.” Well under 500, but she doesn’t have to know that.
“Or what will happen?”
“I don’t know.”
“Sure you do, ‘I don’t know’ means I don’t want to tell you.”
Willow realized that this woman may really have her number. This petrified her and she said, “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can I go back to school? I hate missing math.”
“Ok, I can try to not get you out of math, I think you did some good work today, we can go back.”
The two of them walked back to the school wing. The woman went to the staff member, wrote something on the daily log, and asked to take Tara for her session. As Tara was leaving, Willow watched the swing of her womanly hips and sighed.