okay nothing is holding up back now... smile
and a reminder again this is the storm before the smoochies...
thanks for reading... K&B
Willow paced back and forth by the end of the bed for a moment as Tara settled her back against the headboard. The house already held a nervous tension but the redhead could feel it rising by the moment.
“I know you read, well saw some of this.” Willow finally began as blue eyes watched her move to the bed and sit down on it cross-legged. “But I need to tell you okay?” She checked first, she had to have lead in time.
“Okay.” Tara pulled a pillow and closed her arms around her chest.
“When we first found out about Glorificus and Dawn being the key, it was all battle stations like we were on a sinking ship and the front end was on fire and the back end was already underwater.” Willow tried to put things in order. “Buffy was all with the super slaying, we’d fought this big demon creation named Adam and connected her to the first slayer and she was all wiggy with the ‘death is my gift’ prophecy.” She took a much-needed breath.
Tara nodded that she was listening.
“And we... we were the witches. We had the mojo for her, all the wicked bad mojo as Faith would say and when push came to shove the first time we ever did anything to Glory it was you and I doing a translocation spell.” She closed her eyes briefly. “And then when Glory hurt you, for the first time in my life... I didn’t believe Buffy could save us.” She whispered the words looking down. “And I didn’t care about the rest of the world, all I cared about was you... you hurting... you hurting because of her...” She looked up into blue eyes. “So I lied to her, told her I was going to think but I went to the Magic Box. I went to the dark arts section and then I went to take on Glory.”
“What?” Tara whispered as slowly the pieces of the puzzle that she had seen in Willow’s dream slipped into place.
“I went to her penthouse, all black eyed girl and floating like a kite to kill her or die trying.” Willow thought back to the rage that had been inside her. “I almost had her but my powers weren’t that strong yet. I didn’t know enough about how to harness them, so she wore me down and Buffy managed to come in and drag me away in time.” She held blue eyes. “But I hurt her, I made a Goddess scream.” She frowned again. “After that I didn’t leave your side, I didn’t eat and I didn’t sleep. Everything was about taking care of you and finding a way to undo what Glorificus had done.”
“You went after a God?” Tara whispered a part of her impressed that Willow would be so honest with her. “With dark magic?”
“I went after the demon that hurt you, with whatever power I could find.” Willow nodded softly.
“She could have killed you.” Tara’s voice was small.
“I didn’t even think of that, all I could think about was you in pain. You being hurt by her and me sitting at the Magic Box doing nothing.” Willow tried to make her understand. “You are my everything.”
“And you are mine.” The blonde nodded.
“When everything happened... Buffy dying... the end of the world... the only thing I was worried about was you.” Willow continued reluctantly. “And when the dust settled... I had you back but...” She swallowed again feeling her lungs seize in her chest.
“But?” Tara encouraged.
“Buffy was dead.” Willow spoke slowly as she tried to focus the words to show what they really meant. “The Slayer was dead and everyone looked to me to take her place.” She whispered embarrassed by the self-centred admittance.
“I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me, of any of us.” Tara apologised instantly.
“No baby... I didn’t object.” Willow felt the reality slide over her as she spoke, almost as if she was appraising a third person. “I always had this thing about being Buffy’s sidekick, about not being good enough or smart enough or tough enough. Then suddenly I was ‘it’ since Buffy wasn’t there anymore but it wasn’t fun and games anymore, it was life and death and just being me didn’t cut it.”
“We had the bot.” Tara put in softly gently underlining the fact she had read this portion.
“Warren made the bot for Spike.” The redhead tried not to seethe the man’s name. “But with a little rewiring we did have her, but she wasn’t a substitute for Buffy.”
“I understand why you brought her back.” Tara whispered the important truth.
“I think that’s when I started to get lost in it.” Willow felt her voice drop low to match Tara’s. “When I started to think that I was somehow all powerful, that I was somehow more than the magic.”
“There was more magic to come?” Tara looked at Willow slightly oddly. “I mean before the things I know about already.”
“It all became about the magic.” Her green eyes almost broke with the sadness. “I got dressed with it, I made party decorations with it, I created food with it, I...” Her voice staggered. “I hurt people with it... I hurt you.” She squeezed her eyes shut as she said the words.
“Hurt me?” Tara breathed the words out feeling crushed almost by them.
“I didn’t understand why, but everything was falling apart.” Willow made herself keep talking. “Buffy was just anger incarnate, either that or cold and isolated. She was back and everything still fell to me and the magic but I was scaring you with it, how much I used, when I used it.” She clasped her hands together. “We had another fight about it, about how I was abusing it... and I was so tired I didn’t want to fight anymore so I...” She couldn’t push the words out as her voice dried up.
Tara’s frown was now deeply furrowing her brow. She’d not been expecting this, not really even though there had been the feeling that there was something that she was missing.
“You what Willow?” She finally managed to ask the question she knew would make the redhead keep talking.
“Baby, I didn’t mean to hurt you... I didn’t ever, ever mean to... but I used a spell to make you forget we were fighting.” Willow hid her face behind her hands as she pulled them up wanting to claw the memory out of her head.
For a long agonizing moment Tara fell silent. The reality of what Willow was admitting to her blazed through her disjointed memories clicking another series of events together.
“You cast a spell on me?” She whispered for clarity.
Willow just nodded as she drew in a breath to feed the tears she felt streaming down her cheeks.
“Twice.” The redhead squeaked her body slumping more as her energy drained out.
“I....” Tara wanted to say something some thing to ease the desperate pain that the truth obviously caused the redhead but she didn’t know what to say.
“And when I couldn’t stop using the magic you left me.” Willow couldn’t stop her short move sideways as she landed on the bed feeling like the world was pushing down on her. Her insides screamed at her to stop this, to stop talking to just curl up inside again but she couldn’t.
“I left you?” Before Willow added this small sentence Tara had thought she had heard everything but the last truth knocked the last of her strength out of her.
“You had too... I was out of control... I was dangerous... I was addicted to the magic.” Willow sobbed against the bed.
“But....” Tara hugged the pillow tighter rocking slightly her heart breaking at the sight of Willow crying. “But I was here... Warren, the shooting…” She didn’t understand this at all as nothing was making sense now.
“I got clean baby...” Willow found a shred of strength and pushed up on her hands a little. “I got clean for you... months... I went months without you and without magic... just so that I could try to get you back, to try and make it better.” She couldn’t find the strength to stop her tears. “And I proved to you I could stop it, proved to you when push came to shove I could ‘not’ do magic. You believed in me again and you came back to me.”
“I...” Tara tried to fight the conflicting thoughts going through her mind.
“It’s in one of these... it has to be...” Willow pushed up possessed somehow as she edged to the side table where the other books were and knocking the top one aside she closed her fingers around the expensive looking brown suede cover that was tied together and accented with small red beads. “You wrote in it while I was looking for information on the nerds... you wrote it down.” She thrust the book at Tara desperately.
“After I was back?” Tara looked at the slightly shaking hand and the book.
“After you were back... we stayed in bed for almost two days... making love.” Willow whispered the words like a prayer she was afraid to say in another other tone but reverence. “Making love in this room, no more magic... no more pain... just you and me and love.”
“I need to think...” Tara still didn’t take the book. “Could you get me a glass of water?” She asked hearing her voice shake.
“Water?” Willow put the book down between them and backed away afraid to hear another word. Tara didn’t look up but nodded that the redhead had heard her request correctly.
Her feet feeling like they were encased in cement Willow moved to the door and tried to focus on getting to the kitchen.
***
Dawn looked up briefly to watch Xander pacing back and forth the length of the vaguely walled in bedroom within the basement. She’d been all for the idea of bringing the Spellcaster down until she’d seen the brunette curl up into the corner almost afraid to be touched by whatever mysterious demons were haunting her in her unconscious state.
“Maybe we should take her to the hospital. Sherri Cooper got alcohol poisoning when she snuck into a kegger with her cousin and they had to pump her stomach.” She informed him impatiently.
“She’s not been sick and she’s not like out of it out of it, its almost like she’s dreaming or something.” Xander shook his head.
“Then we should call Giles, maybe something bit her or jabbed her like that freaky demon that made Buffy think she was in a mental institution.” Dawn pleaded for him to do something, anything.
“Maybe Giles isn’t such a bad idea.” Xander looked at Dawn briefly but then looked back at Madalene. “But would Mads want the G-man to see her all tanked up like this.” He furrowed his brow thinking. “And Buffy didn’t say it was anything magical, she found her in the Bronze. There isn’t anything magical about the Bronze.” He underlined.
“Witch’s tanked up on anything, how good does that sound?” Dawn pushed up to stand. “If you won’t call him I will, he’s seen drunk people before.”
“So what’s the drama?” Buffy’s voice cut in disturbing them. The Slayer stood on the top step of the basement looking down.
“I’m calling Giles.” Dawn looked up at her sister. “Something’s wrong.”
“With who?” Buffy frowned not really understanding.
“Um hello Buffy.” Dawn pointed through the partially roughed in wall to the Spellcaster on the bed.
“She’s drunk Dawn.” Buffy breathed again. “Which reminds me, we need to have a talk about do’s and don’ts with the dog.”
“She’s not drunk, tell her Xander. This is not how drunk people act.” Dawn ignored her dog comment.
“The Dawnster might be kinda right Buffy.” Xander glanced towards them both. “She’s all mumbling and with the rocking.”
“So she’s a bad drunk.” Buffy shrugged.
“You’re so heartless, I’m calling Giles.” Dawn began stamping her way up the stairs.
“Whoa right there.” Buffy stood in her sister’s path.
“What?” Dawn stared at the Slayer indignantly.
“Okay, now I’m listening, just what makes you so convinced she needs Giles.” Buffy crossed her arms over her stomach.
“This is Sunnydale and whenever things don’t add up right you can bet that it has something to do with something bad.” Dawn put out the basic reason for her worry. “That and Madalene never eats or drinks anything out of place. Why would she go get drunk?”
“Maybe she likes to drink occasionally.” Buffy suggested lamely remembering how odd it had seemed to find the Spellcaster drunk in the Bronze.
“Uh Buf...” Xander made a not likely motion with his head.
“Well maybe she had a bad day.” The Slayer tried again.
“She’s mumbling in weird languages and stuff... well at least its sounds like some other language.” He added more to their argument. “I mean this is Sunnydale.”
“Look all I am saying is do we have the right to query why Madalene went on a drinking binge?” Buffy looked between the other to people in the room. “I mean when you used to like to drink a lot, after you and Anya split, you didn’t like us interfering.”
“Okay fair, but Buffy then you knew why I was drowning in beer.” Xander conceded wincing at the example.
“And when Mads sobers up we can ask her.” Buffy reasoned. “Come on guys isn’t she allowed to have an off day?”
“Of course she is, just something doesn’t feel right about this.” Xander looked over to the bed and frowned.
“Have you tried waking her up?” Buffy asked the obvious question.
“A few times.” Dawn answered her quietly. “She won’t wake up.”
“What do Willow and Tara think?” Buffy felt her conviction wavering.
“They’re upstairs ‘talking’.” Xander put heavy emphasis on the word hoping that the Slayer understood.
“I’m not asking them to stop talking I’m asking for their opinion, they can go right back to what they were talking about.” Buffy didn’t catch on as her focus went more onto Madalene and any possible Hellmouth influence that could be causing what was going on with her.
“Fine, lets go ask them.” Dawn grabbed her sister’s hand before Xander could object.
***
“Hey guys not wanting to interrupt a big pow-wow or anything but I’m looking for input.” Buffy wrapped on the door as she called through knowing they were inside.
Willow stayed silent, only looking up to Tara and then to the door as Buffy’s voice filtered through again. Tara looked over to the door, as it swung open.
“I’m taking the lack of Buffy come in was just a lack of vocalisation.” The Slayer smiled as she walked in.
Dawn hung in the doorway having been about to say something when she came eye to eye with Tara and saw instantly the pain and anguish that was settled in her face.
“I wanted to pick your brains.” Buffy began but stopped as the redhead looked up at the Slayer, her eyes completely bloodshot and puffy from crying. “But now I’m thinking it can wait.” She suddenly seemed to key in.
“Yeah, we’ll just call Giles.” Dawn’s voice squeaked as she pulled at Buffy’s arm.
“Yep, you two can just carry on with the chatting and the well the whatever.” Buffy backtracked with Dawn pulling the door closed. “Okay so what’s with all the witches in the house?”
“See I told you.” Dawn stared at her sister. “Something’s not right in Sunnydale.”
“You knew those two were like that and you let me do that?” Buffy scowled at her sister.
“No, I didn’t know they were like that.” Dawn was horrified by the accusation. “I knew they were up here, but I didn’t see anything like that.” She pointed to the door. “Tara looked so sad, like when...” She stopped her own words not wanting to hear them.
“Like when she left?” Buffy asked in a hushed whisper, having not been there that fateful night. Dawn nodded frowning. “Oh.” Buffy glanced down. “Come on lets ring Giles.” She urged her sister down the stairs
***
Willow watched the door slide closed again and she checked with herself that no one other than Buffy and Dawn had actually managed to say anything.
“Do you want more water?” She managed to whisper the practiced words after a few thousand trials of repetition in her head. Tara shook her head.
“What do you think that was about?” The blonde asked distracted.
“No idea.” Willow shrugged lightly. “Tara... I...” She started to talk before she could stop herself but then biting down on her babbling tongue did just that.
“You don’t have to say anything Willow.” Tara looked down at her hands. “Thank you for telling me.” She said quietly.
“We went for coffee and I thought my heart was going to burst when you said yes you’d meet me and we didn’t want to leave the shop for hours. I had three mochas without going to the bathroom just since I was afraid if I did you’d be gone.” Willow knew she had to say something had to do something as she felt her life slipping away again. “But then you did have to go but it was a start, a start I thought and I almost skipped home. Then suddenly you were here, you were just in the doorway talking about how we had so much to figure out but you loved me and you just wished I could be kissing you.”
Tara felt a soft smile pull at her lips as the fragment from Willow’s dreamscape finally had a place to fit into making a beacon within the dark.
“And did you?” She asked gently.
“Yes.” Willow for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime felt her mouth ease out of a frown. “For the first time in my life babble mode didn’t kick in.”
“I’m sorry Willow.” Tara eventually looked up.
“Sorry?” Willow felt her mouth tugging down into a frown again as she tried to not settle on a reason for the apology.
“I... this...” Tara began trying to form a sentence.
“Sorry as in Madalene and I are going to pack up our stuff and leave you now?” Willow whispered not able to look away from the blonde as she felt her heart stop beating.
“What?” Tara looked up sharply with a horrified look on her face.
Pushing some strength into her legs Willow made herself stand up and with almost pained steps made herself move over to the bed. In a graceful move she landed on her knees at the side near Tara.
“Baby please, please don’t leave me again.” She whispered burying her face into her hands on the blanket.
“Sweetie no, I wasn’t thinking that.” Tara shook her head. She immediately lifted her hand and ran it over Willow’s hair. “I just...” She fell silent.
“You just?” Willow looked up just a little trying not to make Tara’s hand move from her head.
“I just didn’t know.” Tara tried to explain her shock, horror and surprise.
“I know and that’s why as soon as I was unscrambled up here I wanted to tell you.” Willow whispered through her tears. “I don’t want to ever hide anything from you again.”
“Thank you.” Tara ran her hand over and over soft red strands.
“I love you.” Willow held the blue eyes that looked down at her again offering forgiveness.
“I love you too Willow.” Tara vowed. “But…” She added softly as she glanced at the books on the side.
“But?” Willow tried to not show the sinking inside her as it started again.
“It wasn’t really a but.” Tara shook her head as she re thought things slightly. She leaned forward and picked up a pink diary. “I’ve not read this, but I know from what I wrote in the first page that this is how we began, you know our first months together. I think I wrote it…” She paused for a moment thinking harder. “I think I must have written it when we were apart. I date the front you see and its later than those ones, but before this one.” She pointed to the latest journal. “Reminding myself of how good the good was possibly.”
Willow nodded that the explanation made sense. Tara stopped stroking and gently reached to tilt Willow’s head up to look at her.
“You up to a little reading?” She asked with a loving smile.
“I can read all night.” Willow leaned her chin into Tara’s hand slightly and smiled back softly.
“I love you.” Tara spelled out looking into green eyes.
“I love you too.” Willow moved up feeling Tara’s hand stay in place as she came to sit on the bed.
With her free hand Tara flipped open the pink book and read from the front page.
“Tara Maclay and Willow Rosenberg, a love story.”
***
“Out, he’s out, where the hell can he be?” Buffy stared hard at the phone. “Giles doesn’t have a life.” She looked up and stared at her sister. “So now when we need him suddenly ‘Rupert isn’t home right now’.” She mimicked the answering machine message.
“How do I know?” Dawn stared back at her. “Buffy, what are we going to do?”
“Just when I think everything is going okay, I have to get the front of my house stuck back on, I got a drunk witch in my basement and a recently resurrected witch packing her bags upstairs.” Buffy looked at her sister with a shrug.
“You don’t really think she’ll leave do you?” Dawn chewed on her lower lip. “I mean not after everything and knowing Willow can’t do magic anymore not after the wish.”
“Dawn, what Willow did to her before is the same now as it was then.” Buffy tapped the side of her head. “Messed with her mind.” She shook her head. “If I was Tara I would leave.” She admitted as she dropped into an armchair.
“Running away isn’t the answer to everything.” Dawn sat down slowly on the couch. “And Tara forgave her before and came back.”
“Yeah but why?” Buffy quizzed the teenager. “I mean am I the only one to think they went from not speaking to having se....” Buffy stopped as she heard Dawn’s answer and as she remembered who she was talking too.
“Because they love each other.” Dawn underlined bravely. “And I know about the sex Buffy, what do you think I’m five?” She rolled her eyes. “Hello found Willow swaggering in the hallway and Tara in a sheet, I did live here with them remember.”
“Yes I still have to talk to them about not repeating that incident but you’re right about the loving thing, but that was something that Tara had to work through. She might need to work through and discover that fact again.” Buffy frowned distracted for a moment. “So to go back to your question, yeah I think Tara might leave for a while.” The Slayer stopped her thought and glanced at her sister.
“She can’t leave.” Dawn shook her head.
“Dawn she can and must do what she needs too, I mean not that I like to think of the Willow ramifications but…” Buffy objected to the teenager’s refusal.
“It’s not just the Willow ramifications.” Dawn shook her head looking at her sister. “She can’t leave because we all need her here.”
“We can’t afford to be selfish Dawn.” Buffy pointed out. “If Tara needs to leave then...” She was about to continue when Midnight padded into the lounge and whined.
“Look now you upset her.” Dawn slipped off the couch and knelt by the dog. “It’s okay Midnight, no ones leaving.”
“I give up, Dawn go to bed, take the dog with you if you like. I’ll go watch Mads, and I’ll phone Giles every half an hour till I get hold of him. I’ll send Xander to sleep up in my room.” Buffy sighed hard and pushed up to stand.
“She’d stay if you asked her.” Dawn tucked her hand into the dog’s collar and led her to the stairs. She didn’t bother waiting for Buffy’s response.
***
Buffy leaned back in her chair and put her feet up on the edge of the bed that Madalene slept in. She flicked through the pages of the magazine on her lap and glanced across at the Spellcaster that was curled on the bed directly to her left before turning back to flick through a few more pages of the magazine.
“You’re so beautiful.” The Spellcaster’s voice broke the silence ever so slightly as her body turned over within the blankets they’d piled on top of her to keep her from shivering.
Buffy closed the magazine on her lap and lifted her legs off the bed, not wanting to be in the Spellcaster’s way.
“I guess I’m lucky you could sleep through a earthquake.” A soft chuckle accompanied another move as Madalene’s slim body moved closer to the edge of the bed where Buffy was.
Buffy’s eyebrow arched slightly as she looked at the Spellcaster, she shifted slightly in the chair causing it to scrape noisily on the basement floor.
“You don’t know how many nights I’ve closed my eyes and pretended you were beside me.” Madalene hand came out of the bedclothes inching towards her.
“Yeah okay Mads.” Buffy reached out and patted the sleeping woman’s hand easing it back towards the bedclothes.
“Mmmm now I don’t have to pretend.” The Spellcaster’s fingers slipping in between Buffy’s and pulled the Slayer’s startled hand in to her body.
“Um Madalene.” Buffy slipped slightly in her chair not expecting the move.
“I feel so safe with you here, it doesn’t matter what any of them ever did as long as I could turn and look into your eyes.” Madalene didn’t relinquish the Slayer’s hand. Instead she wound both her arms around it pulling it tight to her body.
“You are safe Madalene.” Buffy said easing out of the chair and moving closer to the bed so that she wasn’t stretched in such an odd way. “Both then and now, whenever then was.”
“I promise you when we get settled everything is going to be just how we dreamed. I’m going to do that spell, the one I told you about from Mama’s book.” Madalene moved closer to Buffy now that she’d moved, capturing more and more of the Slayer’s arm and clutching it to her body. “And nothing will ever keep us apart again.”
Buffy sighed gently and moved to perch on the edge of the bed.
“You were so beautiful tonight... like a spirit breaking free of all the physical constraints.” The Spellcaster shifted with Buffy’s every movement further gapping the distance between them. “All wild but with such honour, like we’d just been in front of the Preacher and you’d just promised your soul to me.”
“What’s going on it that brain of yours Mads?” Buffy shook her head softly as she moved more onto the bed trying to get comfortable. She brought her legs up so that she was actually semi laying on the bed.
“I know you’ll be cross at me for not sleeping, but I can’t.” Madalene didn’t move for a moment but once Buffy settled on her side she managed in her semi-conscious state to turn over without losing her grip on Buffy’s arm and press her body back fully into the Slayer’s. “How can I sleep after making love to you?” She questioned in a whisper, the movements of her eyes darting slowly behind closed lids.
Buffy coughed lightly feeling her cheeks flush. She couldn’t help that she was hearing something that she shouldn’t be hearing, that she was witnessing something that wasn’t hers to see.
“I want to say it was everything I dreamed of... but it wasn’t... I could never dream something that wonderful.” Madalene had seemed to settle probably to Buffy’s relief when the monologue started again.
“I think we’re gonna have to watch you a little more carefully you know Mads.” Buffy moved gently to run her other hand over Madalene’s hair. “Cause you need some looking after.”
“Such strong warm hands.” Madalene seemed to soothe more as the Slayer stroked her head. Relaxing a little she drew Buffy’s hand up closer resting the knuckles against her lips.
Buffy’s instant reaction was to try and pull her hand free but she fought it. There was no reason to disturb the brunette especially in the state she was in.
“Yeah well I can honestly say Mads, these hands are gonna keep you safe.” She said softly moving her free hand again over Madalene’s hair.
“And now everything going to be all right because you never lie to me.” Madalene whispered kissing each of the slayer’s knuckles.
“Never.” Buffy confirmed aware that Madalene probably couldn’t even hear her but still she had to say it.
“Never leave me.” Madalene shivered a bit and pressed closer to Buffy’s warm body. “I can’t live without you.”
“You’re living just fine.” Buffy smiled at the idea. “But what you need to do right now is skip this little dream phase of drunkenness and slip into the blissful oblivion stage.”
“Maybe sleep for a bit... just till the alarm... we’ve got lots to do tomorrow.” Madalene turned back into Buffy burying her face into the Slayer’s shoulder as she finally released the Slayer’s hand and instead winded her own around the blonde’s midsection.
“Mmmm Mads.” Buffy began to feel slightly uncomfortable but then she laughed gently at her own stupidity. None of Madalene’s movements and words were driven by her conscious sober self, they were a product of alcohol and imagination and she didn’t mean to freak the Slayer out Buffy reasoned as she let herself get more comfortable.
“Okay you deep sleep time now.” Buffy encouraged softly.
“I love you.” Madalene whispered kissing the material near her face.
“We love you too.” Buffy replied kissing Madalene’s hair lightly.
to be continued...
"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."
To The Land of The Rainbow Writers
by Grimaldi » Tue Nov 12, 2002 12:28 am 
. Strange that Tara never asked about the events following her death, Anya kinda blurted them out in her typical way but I don't recall Tara asking Willow about it.
Go away, Willow and Tara need to talk..in private.. now shoo 
Now, I am curious as to what is going on with Madeline.
at: 1/7/03 8:33:34 pm
