by leipreachan11 » Mon Mar 27, 2006 2:32 am
Aww, thanks so much. And beanie, I’ve never been so flattered. I work long and hard to disgust people, and it’s just so wonderful to finally get some recognition. I’m tearing up here. Actually, I’ve recently discovered that if I ever want to be left alone at work, say, to write some fic, all I have to do is look weepy because I work with a load of married guys when my boss isn’t here and they seem to know from experience when to avoid a crying girl.
Congrats on the wedding, Kaia: is it the wife that you have the gra for?
Well, bearing in mind all the usual disclaimers, here's today's update.
Chapter 20
“I’m not doing it!”
“Don’t be such a baby! I’d do it.”
“Well, of course you would!”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? I’m being nice! If I were you and my best friend asked for one - one! - tiny favour, I’d do it! And you should be flattered they chose you!”
“Oh Jesus,” Willow groaned. “You got Anya to tell him? We had a plan! Lock him in here with all of us blocking the door, feed him and give him our presents and them subtly slip it into the conversation. Advance plans are made for a reason - to stop freak-outs!”
“I’m not doing it and you can’t make me!”
Xander’s complaint carried down the hall as he stormed from the lift to Willow’s room.
“I didn’t say a word - it must have been Buffy who told Anya to tell him.” Tara grimaced. “He sounds pretty determined not to do this.”
Xander burst into the room as Willow and Tara donned nervous smiles.
“Whose idea was it?”
Xander looked like he was ready to explode. Willow hadn’t seen him this angry since she kidnapped his Snoopy thermos and sent a ransom note demanding her Barbie back.
“Xander-”
“Whose. Idea. Was it?” He looked from Willow to Tara to Anya.
“It was kind of a group effort. We’re just trying to be nice.”
“To someone I’ve never even met! I mean, did you actually believe that I’d do this? Willow, you’ve known me for what - 18 years? Did you honestly think that I would do this?”
“Well...” Willow decided to try her luck. “I thought maybe you’d do your best friend of all these years a little favour. What with her lying in a hospital bed and everything. For three weeks, all sore...”
“Oh no, don’t for a second think that the best friend thing’s gonna work - Buffy already tried that. This one did too.” He jerked his thumb at Anya, who nodded resignedly.
“Batted my eyelashes and everything.”
Tara reckoned it was her turn. “Okay, Xander, sit down for a minute and we’ll explain it.” He kicked a seat back from beside the bed and flopped down into it, sitting facing the three apprehensive girls with a scowl on his face.
“So, go.”
Anya and Tara turned to Willow. Seeing as it had originally been her idea, she felt obliged to be the one to tell poor Xander. She took a deep breath and began.
“Okay, so Nurse Mary’s brother, Morgan, just came out. And he doesn’t have any gay friends so Nurse Emy told her that she should send him here to talk to me and Tara. So he could learn where to go and what to say or something like that. So, he came on Monday and he was really nice but he’s nervous and sad ‘cause he’s never even kissed a guy!”
“Is that my problem?”
“No, but let me finish. So we were talking and then I thought of Dr. Foxy - remember I told you Mary saw him in a gay bar in L.A. even though he’s married? Well, she didn’t tell Morgan that but I did and it was when I told him that I realised - well, if Foxy’s gay, and it looks like he is, and he’s - well, he’s foxy.” Everyone turned to Anya for confirmation.
“Hell yeah, he’s foxy. But don’t worry honey, so are you.” This seemed to mildly appease Xander.
“Anyway, Foxy’s gay and gorgeous. And so is Morgan, right?” Anya again nodded enthusiastically. “Well, maybe if we got Foxy to come out, we could introduce him to Morgan and - voila! - a match made in heaven. We think.” She smiled nervously.
Reckoning that this explanation alone wouldn’t convince Xander, Tara took up the story.
“But then we ran into some problems. First, Foxy’s always wearing his gloves so we can’t get a good look at his hands to see if he’s still wearing his ring ‘cause we don’t want to be big home-breakers if he’s still married.”
“Well, to be honest, I couldn’t give two short fucks, because if he’s gay, he’s gay, and chances are, his wife’s gonna find out eventually. Plus, no kids.”
“Okay, the rest of us don’t want to be big home-breakers, and Buffy already asked Dr. Danny if Foxy was married the first time she laid eyes on him and Willow was there so he wouldn’t believe if she said she forgot. Second problem, we don’t really get a chance to see him much because he’s not Willow’s doc. Third problem, our patient here was due to check out today. Fourth, how the hell do you do this sort of matchmaking?”
“So, once everyone knew our mission and issues, we set to work. Apparently, Willow is more insane than I thought - well, for the sake of some peace, she’s just quirky - and has a bizarre system of writing notes and lists and all that using a lot of columns and different coloured pens.”
“A system that works.”
“Sure. So, Buffy was sent home for pens, rulers, A4 pads and a calculator. Yes, Xander, you heard right, a calculator. And within hours, we were presented with the strangest pieces of paper I’d ever seen. Various parallel and perpendicular columns in various colours using various line widths... Anyway, we each had a set of tasks. For some reason, I had to Google ‘crotchless trousers’ and present my findings in a triangle. Willow’s curiosity, I suspect.”
Willow glared before once again picking up the story. “So our third problem was solved when Dr. Danny told me that the optician said I should stay here for another week, which would have really pissed me off if I didn’t have a purpose. So everyone had their tasks by Tuesday afternoon, and they were just about to leave to start on them when Foxy came in. Dr. Danny had told him how fast my body was recovering and he wanted to check it out 'cause he did some paper on bone healing and was interested in mine. So, everyone but Morgan left and I introduced them and I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that Dr. Foxy checked him out. And Foxy told me he’d be in again on Wednesday, if I didn’t mind, to look at my hip. So, second and fourth problems closer to being solved. But what about the first?”
“Plenty of married people don’t wear rings. Maybe it’s unhealthy for doctors. Germs and bacteria and all that crap getting trapped.” Xander had calmed down, but was still pretty pissed off.
“Yeah, we knew that. But then fate appeared. It was a sign and we had to follow it up. I was pretending to be asleep yesterday so I wouldn’t have to talk to Emy when her and Jenny came in. What were they gossiping about now, I hear you cry. Well, just Dr. Foxy’s... divorce!” Willow paused for dramatic effect. “So, here we are, asking you to help us with problem four. Please?”
“Okay, stop with the puppy-dog eyes, the three of you. Let me think.” He bit his lip, his brow creased as he thought their request over.
Both Willow and Anya knew Xander’s ‘I’m gonna say no but I feel a bit guilty face’, so before he could say it, Willow pointed to the large bag beside her bed.
“Oh!” Xander jumped. “Oh, don’t say no yet Xander, not ‘til you see what we have to bribe you with. Now bear in mind, we only had four days to get these. And I had to go to L.A. for some of them, so that's point number 1 for us.” Anya began to take things out of the bag.
“Okay, we all bought you something. Here, from Dawn-”
“Dawn knows?”
“Yes, she found Tara’s poorly-hidden task sheet. Okay, from Dawn, a box of every brand of cookies available in California and a gallon of milk. Well, the milk’s in your fridge. She said to tell you, preferably in front of Buffy, that she couldn’t get anything bigger because she’s totally poor because her allowance sucks. Remind me to tell Buffy that later.” Xander happily took the bag of cookies and tore open a box of Oreos.
“Next, from Tara, is this very odd but rather pretty painting of you building what looks like a beautiful confessional in what looks like her bedroom. We agreed we wouldn’t ask about eachother’s gifts in case they’re really personal so I’ll just assume you know what that is.”
Xander took the painting and looked at Tara in disbelief. She blushed and looked down. Willow suspected she’d soon burst, not being allowed to ask what that meant.
“Right. From Buffy we have a year’s subscription to Playboy, unlimited free Doublemeat meals when her fool boss isn't there - she said she'd provide his timetable - and this book she found in Giles’s private collection.” She passed it to him.
He looked at the inscription and smiled. “Hey sweetie - I found this and thought of you: it’s got thousands of semi-nude engravings for you to ogle. Just a backup in case you haven’t advanced to Playboy level yet.”
“Now, from Willow, we have a first-edition Snoopy thermos in remarkable condition.” As the presents/ bribes got more and more personal, Xander really looked like he was going to cry.
“Don’t cry, sweetie, I’ve got something to cheer you up. The pièce de résistance - this wonderful matching set of leather crotchless trousers for you and pants for me, plus what the chemist described as ‘Holy crap, that must be a year’s supply of condoms right there!’ But then he doesn’t know us.”
“Wow. I’ve... wow.” He looked at the three expectant women before him and sighed. “Fine, I’ll do it.”
They all breathed a deep sigh of relief. “Sweetie, you’re not gonna regret this. Especially not tonight.” Anya gave Xander the sleazy grin which she had learned long ago could get him out of any bad mood.
“I’d better not. Now, go through it again.”
Last edited by
leipreachan11 on Mon Mar 27, 2006 2:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
"Obviously God wanted us to enjoy ourselves, that's why he created the pill, clubs, lube and hardcore. But he also wanted us to give something back, and that's why he created the homeless, the lepers and the oil spills."
- Nancy, Peep Show
this is sweet what is the pictures meaning i love how thay help each other.when are thay going to get back together? 
Love it!
(Ok, ok...guilty as charged).
