Can't You See My Love

[writerfreak]

Title: Can't You See My Love
Author: writerfreak
Email Address: writerfreakchick@aol.com
Rating: PG-13/R/NC-17
Disclaimer: The idea was mine. Everything you recognize probably doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Joss Whedon or ME.
Feedback: Yes, please, if you will. Don't be afraid to be harsh if it really sucks.
Summary: My fave fics are the ones that start after Tara leaves. I love make-up stories. So I'm writing one and hoping I can do it justice. It's AU. Though some parts may follow canon.
Dedication: This is for Emms, because were it not for her praise this would never have been posted. Here is my longish multi-chapter story. Or at least my attempt at it.
Notes: Spoken words are bolded. It's my first multi-chapter story so bear with me. It might take a while to get to the together part but obviously they will be together. I'm a song-writer above all, so be warned that most of my stuff will contain lyrics I've written, as it was with “What Make You”.

Chapter 1

6 AM, Willow woke. Magic coursed through her veins and sang along her skin, begging for release. It was like this every morning. After Tara left and she hit rock bottom she realized she'd lost it all. She'd hurt Dawn, driven Tara away, isolated herself from all her friends. She hated who she'd become. The magic had become everything. Until she stopped and the agonizing detox started. This was what her life had become, waking up fighting the magic instead of in Tara's arms. She fought the urge to cast as hard as she could, her body going rigid with the effort. One minute bled into another as she tried to hold out and let it pass. A soft knock on the door starled her slightly and she tried to say “Come in”, but found her voice didn't work.

Buffy cracked the door slightly and found Willow awake. “Hey Will.” Willow couldn't speak and didn't think she could move much but she managed a small wave. “Dark magic-y detox still all with the aches and pains?,” Buffy asked trying to lighten the mood. She could plainly see that Willow was hurting. She walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed, not really knowing what more to say or do to help. Willow slowly managed to sit up a little and nod. “Kinda feels like I've been run over with a Mac truck a few times.” Willow tried a small smile. She knew Buffy felt bad about everything, despite her anger at Willow for getting out of control. As soon as this detox was over and she was clean again she intended to have a long talk with everyone, if they let her back in. And she prayed they would. She knew she'd messed up and messed up bad. She had no idea how anyone could ever forgive her, especially when she wasn't sure she could forgive herself. And Tara, especially Tara, she didn't deserve that forgiveness, could never ask for it. Willow kept thinking how Tara must hate her now, any love they'd had was killed, she thought, by me. Buffy, noticing Willow was lost in thought and no longer paying any attention at all, quietly left the room.

Willow finally came out of her reverie minutes later, though it seemed like hours. Time crawled without Tara by her side. She got herself out of bed and dragged her tired body into the shower. The warm water flowed down her body without her feeling a thing. She washed almost mechanically, like a robot. Not noticing a thing other than the fact that nothing felt right without Tara there. When she finished, she didn't even notice, she just sank to the floor of the shower and cried. Pouring out all of her tears yet again. She stayed there until Dawn knocked at the door needing the bathroom. Then she finally pulled herself up, dried herself off, and dressed. She opened the door to see Dawn waiting, impatiently. Dawn still hadn't started to warm up, and Willow didn't expect her to. She made her way downstairs and decided to make breakfast for everyone. Omelets, because that was the best thing she could make. Not even trying to attempt Tara's pancakes. No one could match those.

Buffy came down shortly after Willow started cooking. “Smells good Will.” Willow turned and smiled, “They'll be done in a few minutes.” They worked in silence, Buffy making the coffee while Willow finished up the omelets. Dawn came down just as they were finished. Willow turned and smiled, “I made you one, Dawnie.” Dawn gave her a cold glare and said “I'm not hungry.” A horn honked out front, and Dawn turned to walk out. “Xander's here, I'm going to school.” She left the room as Buffy spoke, “Have a good day.” The front door slammed a moment later. “That went well, I suppose.” Buffy stated, knowing that Dawn's attitude was towards Willow, despite that things hadn't been well between the sisters either. Willow smiled sadly, and said “I'll just go change, and get ready for class too.” Buffy nodded and said “Yeah, I need to get ready for work. Another day slinging burgers, fun fun.” They both left the room, Willow making a mental note to clean the kitchen when she got back from class.

“Another day without her”, Willow thought as she walked towards the UC Sunnydale campus. “42 days without Tara”. She marked off her mental calendar. “That makes it 21 days since I've used magic. 21 days since the detox started, and it's just now starting to get better. Who knew it could take so long. I should have known, should have listened to her, and I wouldn't be going through this. She would still be with me.” Willow made it to campus and worked her way through the halls to her class. Barely remembering how she made it there, she'd been so lost in thought of Tara. Wondering how she was, where she was, what she was doing. “What if she isn't okay? Would I still know? Am I even still allowed to wonder?” She beat herself up every second of the day, completely missing the lectures in all of her classes. This is how it was every day.

The day went by rather quickly though it seemed to take forever in Willow's mind. She found herself leaving campus and walking home. Ending another day in much the same fashion she ended them all lately, much too early. She walked in the house, and left her books on the table, going to the kitchen to clean her mess from the morning. When that was finished she retired immediately to her room, not caring to eat dinner, or come out for the rest of the night. Preferring to stay in the room and lose herself in thought, as she did every night. Wondering if Tara was thinking of her too.

End Chapter One.

[Emms]

Well I am completely hooked! I love it. I think you've captured the tone from that time period of cannon so well... and I can't wait to see where you're going to take this. I'm so excited!

I'm glad that Buffy is there for Willow since Tara's gone and Dawnie is still feeling angry. She's really going to need people on her side to get her through detox... poor Willow. I really feel for her. She recognizes the mistakes she's made and it seems like she's really committed to getting better and making amends with her friends.

Now we just need Tara to come back and say all is forgiven and make everything better... which I'm thinking may take more than one chapter... I do wonder how she's feeling about everything though...

Excellent first chapter!! I can't wait for more!

xoxo
Emms

[writerfreak]

Emms: Thank you very very much. I'm glad you like it, makes me feel better on a day like today. Especially since I finished it today and fully expected it to be crap because I've been distracted all day, sick girlfriend, and her sick kids. Writing off and on while she was resting. I'm not gonna give much away about the next chapter, or anything other than to say its going to take a while to get them together. Thanks so much for liking it, and being my new hooked and devoted reader.

To anyone who does read this, I don't know how often I will update, though I'm hoping for every few days. Dealing with a sick girlfriend and kids will distract me from writing as often as I can, but I am writing and will post as soon as I can, so please bear with me, at least until they are better.

writerfreak

[Willowtree252]

Well WF I am also hooked I love looking deep inside of how each one of them tick pain is the test of true love don,t you think

[willohand]

what they said and more. so you are all for the toturing of us kitties eh? well bring it on. okay wait i take that back. be gentle with us and willow.

[Sandman78]

I too am hooked...and ready for more

[writerfreak]

Title: Can't You See My Love
Author: writerfreak
Email Address: writerfreakchick@aol.com
Rating: PG-13/R/NC-17
Disclaimer: The idea was mine. Everything you recognize probably doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Joss Whedon or ME.
Feedback: Yes, please, if you will. Don't be afraid to be harsh if it really sucks.
Summary: My fave fics are the ones that start after Tara leaves. I love make-up stories. So I'm writing one and hoping I can do it justice. It's AU. Though some parts may follow canon.
Dedication: This is for Emms, because were it not for her praise this would never have been posted. Here is my longish multi-chapter story. Or at least my attempt at it. And for my Rachel because she is sick and I wrote this while I was watching her rest.
Notes: Spoken words are bolded. Thoughts in italics. It's my first multi-chapter story so bear with me. It might take a while to get to the together part but obviously they will be together. I'm a song-writer above all, so be warned that most of my stuff will contain lyrics I've written, as it was with “What Makes You”.
Notes 2: This chapter might not be very good. It was written mostly at night. Sometime between midnight and 7 AM when I was sitting with my very sick girlfriend because she couldn't sleep. Needless to say it might not make much sense. My apologies in advance.

Chapter 2

Tara woke slowly, her body still turning towards where Willow was supposed to be and reaching out. She whimpered when she didn't find the warm body that belonged on that side of the bed and opened her eyes. She was disoriented for a moment until she remembered. No Willow, she'd left her. No Buffy coming in from patrol, no Dawnie to get up and make breakfast for. Just Tara in her small lonely apartment. She rolled over and checked the clock. 6 AM. Hours until she had to be in class. Too much time to think.She didn't want to think. Didn't want to remember. It hurt so much. “Well if I don't want to remember I'm sure Willow can fix that for me,” Tara thought bitterly. She tried, really tried, to work her mind around how Willow could have done that to her. It just wouldn't go. She didn't understand. She sat up slowly, trying to focus her mind not to dwell on it, but she couldn't. Every thought was of Willow. How she was, if she was still using, or if she was okay and getting clean. Tara didn't know. Dawnie mentioned her a few times, but nothing other than she was still there and Dawn wanted her to leave. Tara understood Dawnie's anger, she felt much the same. How could things have gone this far out of control? What had happened to them?

Tara got out of bed even slower than she'd crawled toward wakefulness. It almost wasn't even worth trying but she did it. Her new half-life without Willow was empty, void of any joy or happiness. She got up, did her little routine. Shower, breakfast, school, lunch, school, homework, dinner, research, sleep. Same thing everyday. “And today is no different,”she thought as she walked into her tiny little bathroom. She started the shower and shed her clothes, stepping in quickly as the chilled air hit her skin. The water was warm and comforting but Tara didn't accept it for any length of time. She harshly poured her shampoo and scrubbed her scalp. Almost as if she was trying to erase the memories, wash them out. Trying to make herself forget Willow. Maybe then it wouldn't hurt anymore. She let out a tiny bitter laugh at that. Wouldn't hurt anymore. Ha. It would hurt for the rest of her life. The ache of missing Willow and not having her by Tara's side. “Goddess I just want her to hold me. I just want her here with me. It's almost worth it.” Tara shook herself and finished washing. Thoughts like that had no place here. She knew she couldn't go back to Willow, certainly not any time soon, if ever. She turned the shower off and grabbed for a towel off the shelf. Drying and dressing quickly, and making her way to her tiny kitchen for some kind of breakfast. She never made pancakes anymore. No one else to make them for but herself and they never seemed to taste as good alone. Eggs only reminded her of the sassy eggs. She sighed and thought “French toast it is, again. When will it get better,” she wondered. “When will I be able to do all those things I used to do without crying and hurting.” She pushed all those thoughts down. She didn't want to think. She just wanted to make her breakfast and go to class.

She did just that, working through her breakfast slowly. Finishing and grabbing her bag she walked out the door, headed for her classes. She always made sure she took an alternate route than she had before, to make sure she never ran into Willow. Always hoping she never ran into her coming out of class either. Today was no different, she looked all around cautiously seeing no sign of her. She made it to her class fairly easily, no trouble, but if you'd asked her later what the professor had lectured of, or what her notes said, she'd have had no idea. Tara moved on auto-pilot. Going to class, taking notes, looking like she was listening, like a good little student. Yet she wasn't. She didn't have much of an idea what went on in class everyday, and wouldn't if she didn't take lots of notes.

Classes flew by, she moved to each one, got through it. Moving through her day without noticing it fly by. She made her way home just in time before the sun set. Though she doubted she'd notice an attack. “Might feel better if I did get attacked. Stop the pain. No....no....you can't think like that. Stop that. Just get home......ha.......home. No this isn't home, home is Willow, this is hell. Without her is hell.” Tara halted her thought as she walked in the door and left her bag on the table. She looked for a snack but gave up when she couldn't find anything that seemed appealing. Food just wasn't appealing anymore. She made her way back to the table and started homework, barely noticing as the hours flew by until she finished. She didn't even try to look for dinner, it was the farthest thing from her mind as she dragged herself to the bedroom and changed into pajamas. She crawled into bed slower than she'd crawled out that morning. The tears gathering in her eyes again. Only at night did she allow herself to cry. Every night they poured. “Oh my love, my Willow, how am I supposed to sleep without you. How do I do this everyday. Without you. It hurts so much, I need to be by your side, where I belong. In your arms. I just want to be there, so much. I love you, so much. Why did you have to do this? I can't trust you now, and I want to. I need you. Goddess, I need you. Please get better. Stop this, for me. I miss you so much, my love. Make it so that I can come home. So I can love you again, and not be afraid. Trust you again.” Tara's thoughts continued much along those lines for a while until she managed to cry herself into a fitful sleep. Tossing and turning every few minutes, unable to be fully comfortable without the warmth of Willow's body next to hers.

End Chapter Two.

[tazraven]

Alright, you got me. I'm not one to get teary eyed, but this chapter had me misting. Tara's thoughts broke my heart. You cut right to the core. Her monotony was so depressing, it almost made me want to say go back to Willow. But I know that forgiveness is a long road for her, and I didn't expect it to be easy. Amazing chapter, awesome writing. Can't wait for the next bit.

~Sara

[Willowtree252]

WF To have loved and lost is hell. I think she feel,s like she is spining out of control with no direction but I did notice she said hurry and get well which leds me to believe it is not to late. Time is all that is needed. Love your story.

[writerfreak]

Replies to Chapter One feedback:

Emms: Once again thank you, I love that you love this, and that I got such a great response for my first two tries. It means so much.

Dianneswillowtree: Yes, pain is absolutely the test of true love, I've got a 9 1/2 year history of that. I'm glad you like it.

willohand: Ah not torture, not too much. I'll be as gentle as I can, and I hope you continue to like it.

Sandman78: Thank you very much, hope you continue reading.

Thanks to all who read.

writerfreak

[Emms]

Wow, sweetie... I actually have tears in my eyes. Tara POV is so heart wrenching and it parallels nicely with the way Willow is feeling... Tara wants to come home, but she also knows that she can't come home unless she can trust Willow.... the inner conflict is just so tangible here.

I'm sorry I'm late to the chapter 2 feedback party, sweetie... but I've been in bed all morning with the sicky-poos

cant wait for chapter 3

xoxo
Emms

[Sandman78]

I'm so sad for Tara, I'm crying.
"It would hurt for the rest of her life", that's what got me the most.
Oh, and Tara crying herself to sleep...
More please.

[writerfreak]

tazraven:Wow. Thank you for the kind words. I'm sure I didnt do it all that well but thank you so much for saying so. Sorry for the misting, I didnt mean to make anyone cry.

Dianneswillowtree:

:pinky WF To have loved and lost is hell. I think she feel,s like she is spining out of control with no direction but I did notice she said hurry and get well which leds me to believe it is not to late. Time is all that is needed. Love your story.

To have loved and lost is hell, yes. But it isn't at the same time, its so much worse than hell. The pain worse than anything I could have ever begun to imagine. I too have been through it. Time is all that is needed for true love usually. I just wish that had been the case with my love. She died a long time ago, living on borrowed time and I guess her number was called. Thank you for loving this, most of the words I write come from my own pain, and knowing how that feels.

Emms: Aww I didn't mean to make you all teary-eyed. I'm glad you're still loving it though. You weren't late at all to the feedback party, I'd only posted it a few hours before. I know the sick feeling, that chapter came from an all night half writing session half watching over my Rachel because she is very sick as well.

Sandman78: So many tears! I didn't mean to cause so many with this chapter. I'm glad you like it, even when I make you cry. Thanks for reading.



The next chapter I'm hoping will be up later today, if not it will definitely be up tomorrow. Didn't get a chance to work on it much because I slept a lot, making up for my lack of sleep the night before while I was writing chapter two and watching over Rachel. Thanks everyone for reading.

writerfreak

[Willowtree252]

I am so sorry you have had to endure the pain and still do. It makes my heart sing that you have found love with Rachel and are happy and as for me I have found a kindred spirt in you my friend

[writerfreak]

My deepest apologies kitties, the earliest I will get chapter 3 up is tomorrow night. I had some unexpected delays today so I wasn't able to write and will do so as long as said delays do not show up tomorrow. Hopefully they do not because then I will definitely have it up as well as maintaining my sanity. -leaves grumbling almost incoherently under breath something about "childrens father" and "asshole"-

writerfreak

ETA: The chapter is giving me some trouble, so it might take a little longer, hopefully not too long dear kitties. Please be patient with me.

[writerfreak]

Title: Can't You See My Love
Author: writerfreak
Email Address: writerfreakchick@aol.com
Rating: PG-13/R/NC-17
Disclaimer: The idea was mine. Everything you recognize probably doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Joss Whedon or ME.
Feedback: Yes, please, if you will. Don't be afraid to be harsh if it really sucks.
Summary: My fave fics are the ones that start after Tara leaves. I love make-up stories. So I'm writing one and hoping I can do it justice. It's AU. Though some parts may follow canon.
Dedication: This chapter is to Dianneswillowtree. For being there, and for giving me the courage to write this through the pain.
Notes: Spoken words are bolded. Thoughts in italics. It's my firsmulti-chapter story so bear with me. It might take a while to get to the together part but obviously they will be together. I'm a song-writer above all, so be warned that most of my stuff will contain lyrics I've written, as it was with “What Makes You”.
Notes 2: My apologies for the delay in this chapter. It gave me tons and tons of hell when everything I wrote struck me as wrong, and I had to re-write most of it at least a dozen times. Some problems in RL didn't help my blockage either. Long story for another time.

Chapter Three

Willow walked along the street slowly, her thoughts wandering. Wondering if she was wrong for being out. For starting to function somewhat again. After all 1 month and 3 weeks didn't seem like enough time for her to be able to live again. Especially not without Tara. She was finally starting to pay attention in class, even if it no longer held an interest to her. Academia just didn't seem worth it, but Willow, ever the scholar, still went, still studied, still aced her classes. Working toward a degree that meant nothing, a life that meant nothing unless Tara was in it.

Willow had slowly worked and was just now starting to get Dawn to warm up the tiniest bit. She started talking to Buffy more, and was hanging with Xander a bit. Building up trust again, proving she was worthy of it. Proving that when she said no more magic, this time she meant it. The cravings were lessening just a little. Enough so the pain was tolerable instead of unbearable. Just the day before she had went to the Magic Box for the first time, to do research on some new baddie. She made sure that Xander, Buffy, and Anya were going to be there, not trusting herself to go alone. She had been amazed that it hadn't bothered her much, she hadn't felt the urge to cast. When she left she was proud of herself, for overcoming. For taking one more step towards rehabilitation.

So now she was out, on her own. No one with her to hold her hand and make her follow the rules. No one to know if she were to cast, or try to stop her. No one but herself. Walking along a busy street. Part of her was afraid, mostly because if something were to happen she didn't want to hurt anyone. At least it was daytime. Nighttime would have been worse, more possibilities, options, for magic use. And she didn't want magic, not anymore, not ever again. What she really wanted, was a mocha. The Espresso Pump was just up ahead and she intended on stopping and getting one. Quickening her steps a little to reach her intended destination faster, her mind wandered again. To Tara. Of course. She'd recently caught a few glimpses of her on campus, and Dawn talked about her a tiny bit. Willow knew enough to know that she was okay, and that was enough. Willow didn't think she had the right to know more than that.

Willow thought about her often enough, wondered how long it would take for them to maybe, if Willow was lucky, talk again. Willow had given up hope on anything more than friendship. Generally beating herself up so much she didn't think she deserved even that. She felt so incredibly horrible about everything, knowing she'd never trust herself again much less expect anyone else to trust her. She knew she was building it up slowly with the rest of the Scoobies. More than anything she hoped that Tara came back to them, if not her. They were her family and she deserved to have them, and to know that. Having Dawn spend time with her made Willow feel good. Dawn worshipped Tara. Willow knew Dawn thought of Tara like a second mother. She absent-mindedly remembered that they were out together, and made a small mental note to stay away from the deli just down the street, figuring they would be there.

She didn't want to make Tara uncomfortable, no matter how much her heart ached to see her, to touch her. She knew Tara wasn't ready to see her, or she would have already. She stayed away from places Tara might go, not wanting to see her until the time was right. She neared the doors to the Espresso Pump, still babbling to herself in her head, not thinking of anything that might happen inside, when she felt it. That feeling that unmistakably meant Tara was close by. The feeling knocked her off guard and she blindly grabbed for it and opened the door. Walking in her eyes searching, almost unwillingly, for Tara. When those shocked green eyes met the deep blue, she almost fainted. Unable to tear her eyes away, she stared and uttered one thing. "Tara."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tara sat at the table of the Espresso Pump with Dawn, where the teen was chatting animatedly about the movie they had just seen, some Disney feature Tara hadn't payed the slightest bit of attention to. She had no idea what Dawn was talking about most of the time. Instead of going to the deli like usual for a bit of lunch and milkshakes, Dawn had begged to come to the Espresso Pump saying she really wanted one of the iced drinks they served, using the point that Tara most likely wanted coffee anyway. So here they were, sitting at the table, Dawn chattering away. Tara listened just enough to say "mmhmm" and "yeah" at the right times but mostly let her mind wander. To Willow of course. As always. She'd stopped being so cautious and knew Willow had most likely seen her around campus.

She'd certainly seen Willow a few times. The redhead had lost a lot of weight, Tara had noticed, her clothes now seeming to hang off her body instead of it filling them out. She was also a lot more jumpy, and overly alert it seemed. Willow had jumped more than once when someone so much as walked by her, as far as Tara had seen. That concerned her and she made a mental note to have a word with Buffy or Dawn about it. Most likely Buffy seeing as though it seemed as if Dawn was warming up to Willow, she still hadn't fully forgiven her. They were working on that though, Tara knew how well Willow had been doing and was trying to get Dawn to forgive her a little more, a little faster.

As for herself, Tara was mostly at a standstill. She was starting to fill her own days a little more. As for the forgiveness, she was working on it. She wasn't yet ready to talk to Willow, but she thought she might be. Soon. She had to work up the courage. Seeing her around the few times still carried that tinge of bitterness, and she didn't want to talk to Willow with that still in her mind, in her heart. She was slowly working through it. Knowing Willow wasn't on the magic anymore helped. Knowing she'd quit and was refusing to use it. It helped her keep hope. Maybe one day things could get better, they could be friends again.

Tara tried to shake herself away from thoughts of Willow and focus on Dawn. This was their time together after all, movie and milkshake day. Only in this case, coffee and iced drinks day. Dawn had switched subjects and was now going on about some boy at school. "......and then i got pregnant by Marilyn Manson." Tara finally tuned in. "Wait, what?" Dawn was a bit offended. "You haven't been listening much have you. You had that faraway Willow look again, like you always get" Tara felt a bit bad, "I'm sorry, I'm just a little distracted."

"Yeah I can tell. Off in Willow-land." Tara once again became very distracted as she saw a flash of red outside the window of the Espresso Pump. Then she got that feeling, Willow. She knew that she was here, now. Coming inside the Espresso Pump. It was a thing with them, they always knew when the other was near. Always.

Dawn snapped her fingers in front of Tara's face. "Tara, Tara...", but Tara turned away and her blue eyes found the redhead's green ones right inside the door. "Oh....." Dawn trailed off. Tara stood slowly, and started to walk to Willow, but Dawn flew by her faster. "You always have to ruin everything Willow, even my time with Tara." Dawn spewed, and ran out. Willow and Tara stood staring at each other for a moment, before Tara turned and ran after Dawn.

TBC......

writerfreak

[Willowtree252]

dibs oh Kindred I feel your pain through the words as thay are torn from the pages. You are taking us very deep inside our girls and there torment. Dawn is a brat and needs to grow up. when I read this update all I could feel is like thay are in a pool and are drownning I hope you throw them a rope soon my friend. You are my dear friend and I will always be there Dianne

[mag]

wow great chapter, please continue like this and dont stop updating, well I want to see how they develop this drama.

I hope nobody wants willow leaving the house, she needs so much her friends if she has them now.

Tara can help too, trying to find willow her way to her.

see you soon

mar

[littlewicca]

really good, i can feel the apin and the darkness of it, really, you are a very good writter and too expresive, i love it, i want to red more, please
Im agree with dianne

[Sandman78]

Wow. You definitely have me wanting more...update soon, please.

[Emms]

aww.... what a good chapter. I found Dawn as irritating as usual, so kudos.

I feel bad for Willow all in pain and resisting the magic...

and Tara is still thinking about Willow...

I can't wait for the next chapter.

xoxo
Emms

[Boadecia]

And I ask for a show of hands from those who A) love this fic already and B) wish dawn would die a slow death..as all teenagers shouid lol...i still maintain i was born a 25yrold lol
Seriously though, You've captured the inner turmoil so well..at some points i had to stop reading because it was painful...i look forward to the next chapter

[Darkness]

Hi!

I'm going for the praising right away. Oh, this is a great story. I, like you, love the angsty stories where sweet get-together-again is soon to follow. I can only imagine how Willow and Tara feels after this encounter. I understand that Dawn reacted, but seriously, Willow just entered the place, she didn't exactly sit down between them. I'm sure she would have left if Tara hadn't got up.

Please continue soon, I love these stories.

[Willowtree252]

Dedication: This chapter is to Dianneswillowtree. For being there, and for giving me the courage to write this through the pain

Well I am still here Kindred so get off your butt and write let it out here and dont keep it in. I will help you but only if you let me. You are to wonderful to let this get to you. NO one keeps you down now lets go Missy let me see your fire What kind of friend would I be if I sat by and let this happen with out standing beside you My dear friend

[BlackIndiaInk]

Hey, I just got through reading all this and I have to agree with everyone else I am totally hooked. You have this time in the buffyverse nailed. I like that we see both Willow and Tara's perspectives on the pain of seperation. You do it well. I am glad you have found somewhere to pour your pain into. I've done a bit of that in my own story. Please continue soon!

[viximon]

gah! Dawn is such a pain sometimes. The story is good, keep it up! Want to read more about how things goes. That last chapter meeting sure was a akward, unexpected and short one

[writerfreak]

Dianne- Thank you much, friend. You know what I've been going through lately and my writing tends to follow it closely. It isn't going to get better soon only worse. Though I promise, as you know, they will be together.

mag-The updates might be a little random, considering things are very hectic for me right now, but I promise to update as often as I can.

littlewicca- As said to Dianne, the pain and the darkness are much a part of me right now, so my writing reflects that. I'll update as often as I am able to.

Sandman78- Thank you, I'll update when I can. Thanks for your continued reading.

Emms- Dawn's always irritating, lol. Or at least most of the time. Willow's pain especially, reflects my own a bit at the moment, only in vastly different ways. As I've said in other replies, my writing tends to parallel my own feeling. It's going to get worse as times have gotten worse at the moment, but you have my solemn promise that they do get together in the end. It's just not going to be soon.

Boadecia- Wow, high praise. Thank you so much. I try my best. Just be warned it is going to get worse before it gets better.

Darkness- Thank you very much, but I have to admit that in this particular story its a not-so-soon sweet reunion. Thank you for reading.

Dianne (again)- You certainly know how to kick my ass into gear. Suprise I finished it. Thank you. So very much. For everything.

BlackIndiaInk- A new fan, thank you so much for reading. Yes my writing does reflect my pain, which means its about to get worse. I hope you enjoy it and bear with me.

Title: Can't You See My Love
Author: writerfreak
Email Address: writerfreakchick@aol.com
Rating: PG-13/R/NC-17
Disclaimer: The idea was mine. Everything you recognize probably doesn't belong to me. It belongs to Joss Whedon or ME.
Feedback: Yes, please, if you will. Don't be afraid to be harsh if it really sucks.
Summary: My fave fics are the ones that start after Tara leaves. I love make-up stories. So I'm writing one and hoping I can do it justice. It's AU. Though some parts may follow canon.
Dedication: This chapter is to anyone who needs it as a release. I know I needed to write it to bleed off some of the pain myself.
Notes: Spoken words are bolded. Thoughts in italics. It's my first multi-chapter story so bear with me. It might take a while to get to the together part but obviously they will be together. I'm a song-writer above all, so be warned that most of my stuff will contain lyrics I've written, as it was with “What Makes You”.
Notes 2: Again, my apologies for the delay with the chapter. It's not going to be nice and pleasant, its going to get dark. Fair warning, it will get much worse before the sweetness and light come along. There is going to be a lot of pain, but in the end, as always, they WILL be together.

Chapter Four

Willow stood there a moment, baffled and confused at what had just happened. Tara had been here. Right here. In front of her. They might have spoken, had Dawn not thrown a fit. Maybe Dawn was right, she ruined everything. Always ruined everything. She didn't even bother with coffee, just turned and walked out of the Espresso Pump. Not noticing where she was heading, just walking. Blindly half because of the tears falling from her eyes, the other half because she was too lost in thought to notice. Her heart was breaking all over again with the memories. Tara left her, really left her, and it was all her fault. If it hadn't sunk in enough before it certainly did now just how much it was all her fault. She had to figure out what to do next.

Somehow she managed to find her way home. She didn't have a single idea how she got there, only knowing that she did. She didn't remember leaving the Espresso Pump, much less the walk home. The house was empty, thank the Goddess. Buffy was probably at work, and Dawn was still with Tara as far as Willow could think, as she trudged her way up the stairs to her room. She sat down on the bed, just sitting there. Too lost in the pain to do anything, even cry. So many thoughts racing through her overactive brain for her to manage to think a coherent one.

Tara left. I've hurt everyone. Could have gotten Dawnie killed. Erased Tara's memories. Erased everyones memories. Tara left. Tara left me. Broken. Dawnie's arm is broken. My heart is broken. Tara's mind. The Scoobies. Everything broken. A wreck. All my fault. Tara packing her stuff. Leaving. Leaving. Leaving. Clothes in boxes. Sitting on the bathroom floor. While she was leaving. Yes, thats it. Leaving. It's the answer to the question. Leaving. I'm leaving. Make it better. Go away. Make it better. If I'm not here it will get better. They wil heal. Be a family again. If I'm not here it will get better. That's how I make it better. Fix it. I have to fix it.

Willow packed a bag. She didn't need much. Clothes, her laptop. Minor things. She didn't know where she was headed, just that she couldn't stay here. This was her last chance to make things better. Leaving. Maybe then Tara could come back, where she belonged, with her family. Not much longer now and things would be better. Willow knew she couldn't just go. Knew they wouldn't just let her go even if she doubted her own knowledge. Notes. She would leave them. Tell them. This was the least she could do. Fix it. She had to fix it.

She sat down at the desk with a legal pad and pen. Not too long. No. Just enough to say don't look for me. Better off if I'm gone. No, not too long. I love you all. Goodbye. She put the notes in envelopes and addressed them. She grabbed her bag with her other hand and walked downstairs, dropping the notes on the coffee table before she walked out the door. Never intending on coming back.

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Tara walked slowly with Dawn home. The little outburst of Dawn's had shaken them both. She had managed to catch up with her and talk it out. Dawn was still angry, that was understandable, but she was sorry. They had talked and Dawn had apologized. Coming up on the house, Tara felt an overwhelming sense of dread without knowing why. Was she here? Can we talk? Just for a moment to say hello, to see how she is? No of course not. Bad idea. Dawn was in the lead as they approached the door. Taking out her key, unlocking it. Tara knew immediately from the feel of the house that no one was home. She looked around a moment, adjusting. It had been so long since she had crossed the threshold here. Her eyes went to the living room, fell on the envelopes on the coffee table. And she knew, instinctively, exactly what they were. And she watched her entire world shatter. She didn't have to look, to read, to know. Willow was
gone.

TBC......

Hope you enjoy. More when I can.

writerfreak

[amberholic]

Welcome back writerfreak ...I really loved this update, though it was angsty, but the way u put words, is really really good...Especially when Willow was all hurting confused , pitures of Tara leaving home...Excellent job...Waiting for ur next update...

[BlackIndiaInk]

I hope you enjoy it and bear with me.

I did enjoy the chapter and no worries I can certainly take a little pain if it gets us to a happy place eventually.

I forgot to say that I liked that Willow and Tara could sense when each other were near when I left feedback last time.

Tara left me. Broken. Dawnie's arm is broken. My heart is broken

That bit flowed quite well. There are a lot of broken things in Willow's life right now. I hope she can find some glue.

She didn't have to look, to read, to know. Willow was
gone.

Oh my, I wonder if Tara and the gang are going to go looking for her either magically or the old fashioned way despite her telling them not to.

I can't wait for the next chapter. I'm sending you well wishes and good vibes.

Brea

[Willowtree252]

PAIN I can feel it everywhere in this you know how Willow is feeling dont you. you are sharing the pain with her , the two of you have become one. I am not going to let up on you keep it coming stay out of that damn shell. I am not going to go easy on you this is part of the whole friendship package. Tough love I am such a nut now get to missy we are waiting