Title: Coming Back
Author: GayNow (Carleen)
Email: cmspry2@gmail.comFeedback: Pretty please?
Distribution: Archiving is fine…please let me know where so I can call all my friends and yell, “Look! I’m famous!”
Rating: I’ve moved the rating up to R for language and situations
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialog belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others. The story, however, came out of my delusional little brain.
Summary: AU....no Hellmouth...no magic....no demons...no slayer....Willow and Tara made a solemn promise to each other 8 years ago.
Author’s Notes:- This is my first attempt at fic writing...or posting what I've written, anyway. And I have all of you wonderful kittens to thank for inspiring me. I'm not going to start listing off all of the individual authors, because that would just take too long. You know who you are...you've read my feedback...it's no secret who I worship.
- I have to give special, super-dee-duper thanks to the lovely WATSON for her incredible patience with me.
- Thoughts in italics
- Thanks to Chris Cook for the super spectacular title graphic!
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13c
Buffy stood outside the apartment door, her backpack over one shoulder and a small carry-on bag at her feet. Both bags were bursting at the seams and her shoulder was beginning to ache. She'd wanted to travel light; she didn't want to drag around a bunch of luggage. On the other hand, she didn't know how long this trip was going to take, and she wanted to be prepared. She could barely zip the small bag she'd stuffed full of necessary clothing. With the exception of her toothbrush and a few other basic necessities, she had foregone most toiletries in hopes of lightening the load.
Now, here she stood, waiting as her second knock on the door went unanswered. Taking a step nearer to the door, Buffy put her eye up to the small peephole in hopes of getting a glimpse inside. But she didn't have any luck. She knocked again, harder this time, and put her ear to the door.
Music. There's music playing in there. “Willow! It's Buffy!” She used the side of her fist to pound on the door. “C'mon, Will, open up!”
Nothing.
“Alright, think, Summers,” Buffy mumbled to herself. She removed the backpack from her shoulder and dropped it next to her other bag. Placing her hands on her hips, Buffy took a moment to survey her surroundings.
Longish hallway, no welcome mat, no one walking around. She paced slowly in front of Willow's door, pausing briefly to knock once again in passing.
Willow always locked herself out of the house. Another quick rap on the door.
If I were Willow, where would I hide a spare key? Buffy looked upward, toward the top of the door frame.
No way. She's barely taller than I am...she'd never reach it. She took a deep breath of realization. “Exactly the reason Willow would put it there.” After looking around for anything to stand on, Buffy finally resigned herself to simultaneously jumping and reaching for the top of the door jam. A few minutes later, she gave up.
Damn! ”Where did you put it, Willow?” she whispered, hoping no one had witnessed her vertically challenged leaps moments earlier.
She moved through the hallway, searching through the various fake decorative plants, hunting for any sign that Willow had hidden a spare key.
C'mon, c'mon...I know you've locked yourself out. Where did you put it? Buffy quickly removed her hands from the base of a faux fern and straightened up when she heard footsteps ascending the stairs.
Maybe that's Willow. Maybe she just left her music on. Buffy's hopes sank when a young woman with long brown hair appeared from the stairwell. As the woman walked by, Buffy nodded her head slightly and gave a mumbled greeting.
God, I must look like a stalker. The brunette returned the nod and looked carefully at Buffy. Her eyes narrowed, her features taking on a look of intense thought. She stopped at the door next to Willow's apartment and unlocked the door. Before stepping in, the woman turned quickly toward Buffy, her eyes wide.
Here it comes, Buffy thought.
She's going to call the cops. “Hey!”
“I'm not a stalker!” Buffy blurted out the words and took a tentative step backwards. She reached out quickly to catch the fern she'd nearly knocked over in her haste.
The brunette giggled and moved toward Buffy. “I know you're not.” Her smile revealed gleaming white teeth. “You're Buffy, right?”
“Um...yeah. Do I know you?”
“Nope,” the woman laughed, “and I don't know you...”
“But-”
“
But...I know
of you. You're Willow's friend from California, right?”
Buffy stared wide-eyed at her hallway companion. ”Um...yeah.”
Real expansive vocabulary, Summers. The woman held out her hand to the confused blonde. “Hi, I'm Dawn. Nice to meet you.”
Still feeling somewhat addlepated, Buffy took the proffered hand. ”Buffy...but...um...you knew that. How did you know that?”
Dawn released Buffy's hand with a giggle and tilted her head toward the fern Buffy still held firmly in her left hand. “You could probably put that down now.”
Buffy looked down at the plant. She'd completely forgotten about it. When she returned her gaze to the tall woman before her, Buffy saw the glint of mirth in Dawn's eyes. Suddenly, she realized how silly she was being and laughed. “Yeah, I probably could,” she said as she placed the fern back on its table.
“I know who you are because of Willow, of course,” Dawn replied with a wink. “She has a picture in her apartment of the two of you.”
“Oh, then you must be friends with Will.” Buffy hoped this new acquaintance could give her some information about her best friend's whereabouts.
“I wouldn't say 'friends' so much as 'friendly neighbors.' Because of our schedules, we rarely see each other. But when our paths cross, we take a few minutes to talk.” On seeing Buffy's confused expression, Dawn chuckled. “Sorry, I'm being vague. Willow's grocery bags broke one day when it was raining. I helped her take them to her apartment. She invited me to stay for hot chocolate.”
“Oh!” Buffy exclaimed, the puzzle pieces falling into place. ”And that's when you saw the picture and Willow must have mentioned my name. I got it now.”
Took ya long enough, Buffy.Dawn nodded and casually leaned on the wall, dropping her bag beside her. “Exactly. But, she did more than mention your name. She thinks you're the bee's knees. You and...um...Tara. Though I didn't see a picture of her.”
“Well, if I'm the bee's knees, Tara is the cat's meow,” Buffy giggled at the banter.
This Dawn person seems okay...like I've always known her, but not really. “Um, Dawn, have you seen Willow lately?”
“Nope...not for about two weeks, but I know she's there. I can hear her moving around.”
A frown crossed Buffy's features as she stared thoughtfully at the door to Willow's apartment. “Yeah,” Buffy said thoughtfully, ”that's about the last time I heard from her.”
“She's not answering the door?”
“No, but I can hear music in the apartment.” Buffy gave Dawn a sheepish look. “You actually caught me searching for a spare key to the door. She's notorious for locking herself out.”
Suddenly, the door on the other side of the hall opened and a head with curly blonde hair popped out. “Did someone find a key? I lost my key!” the new arrival exclaimed. “I need to find my key so I can go home!” Her eyes moved back and forth between Buffy and Dawn, an expectant look on her face.
Dawn merely giggled at Buffy's dumbfounded expression and then rolled her eyes at the other woman.
“No, Glory,” Dawn began in a placating tone, “no one has
found a key. We're
looking for a key.”
“Well, damn!” Glory pouted and stepped into the hallway. “I need to go home next week and my folks are out of town. I need that key to get in the house.” She looked at Buffy and smiled. “Well, aren't you a cutie with your perfect hair and perfect clothes...who are you?”
Buffy's eyes went even wider. Her mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out. The smile on Glory's face made Buffy think of a sugar substitute -- all of the sweetness of sugar, but it was fake. She continued to struggle with her voice as she watched Glory slowly move toward her, like a lion stalking its prey.
“Hmm,” Glory practically purred, “kitty's got the cutie's tongue.”
Buffy took a step toward Dawn, as if looking for protection. Luckily, Dawn didn't disappoint.
“Alright...down girl!” Dawn said as she stepped between Buffy and Glory. “This is Buffy...she's Willow's friend. Where is Ben?”
Glory tore her gaze from Buffy to scoff at Dawn. “Hmph, my 'better half'? Dear brother is at some old folks home or something...being a do-gooder.”
“Well, go back to your apartment and be a good little girl and I'll suggest he take you out to buy a new dress or something.”
Glory stomped her feet and shook her fists, letting loose with a whiny growl for added effect. She gave in when the added effect didn't work. ”Fine,” she pouted, turning to re-enter her apartment. Before closing the door, she gave Buffy and Dawn one last look. “If you find my key, let me know. I want to go home!” Without waiting for an answer, Glory shut the door.
“What in the hell was
that?” Buffy asked -- once she'd recovered her vocal abilities -- as she stared at Glory's closed door. At the sound of Dawn's voice, she turned to face the brunette.
“That was Glory,” Dawn replied. “She and her brother moved in about a year ago. Ben's okay. He's actually kinda cute. But Glory...she's a piece of work. Thinks she's God's gift to the world.” Dawn smirked and gave Buffy a wink. “Must have been a gift from a Hellgod.”
“Wow. I should think so.”
“Sometimes she's pretty entertaining. Mostly, she's annoying.”
Dawn crossed her arms over her chest and stood with her weight on one leg, her hip thrust out. In many ways, Buffy thought Dawn looked like a pouty kid.
But there's something very put together about this woman. Gotta make sure not to underestimate her. “So,” Dawn began, looking at Buffy with raised eyebrows. ”Shall we find this elusive key? Willow's...not Glory's.”
“That's okay, I can look for it. I don't want to keep you. You probably have better things to do.”
“Please,” Dawn said as she took a step toward the petite blonde. “Classes don't start for a month. I have nothing important planned before then.” The smirk on Dawn's face disappeared and a concerned expression took its place. “Besides, if
you haven't heard from Willow yet...well, that's got me worried too. I guess I was wrong earlier. We're not close, but she
is my friend. One I hope to get to know better.”
Buffy felt a renewed faith in humanity flood her being. “Thanks, Dawn. I appreciate it.”
“No problem, Buffy.” Dawn clapped her hand and rubbed them together. “Now then, where should we start?”
******************************
An hour later, Buffy and Dawn sat at the kitchen table in Dawn’s apartment enjoying tall glasses of iced tea. Well, not exactly enjoying…their key search had not proven to be fruitful. They’d searched though every plant in the hallway, real and fake alike, but had come up empty. Dawn, being about 4 inches taller than Buffy, rechecked the top of the doorframe. Still nothing. Buffy tried knocking on Willow’s door numerous times, but the redhead still didn’t answer. The only indication that Willow was still in the apartment was the increased volume of the music—as if she had been trying to drown out the sound of Buffy’s raps on the door. Finally, Buffy and Dawn decided to take a short break to collect their thoughts and form a plan.
“Do you think the apartment managers would open the door for us?” Buffy asked after taking a slow drink from her tea.
Dawn let out a derisive snort—it was something between laughter and a grunt. “Sure, if you can find them. All they care about is the rent money. Otherwise, we just don’t see them. We send our rent checks to a PO Box, so we don’t even know where they live. The only reason I stay here is because the price is reasonable. So, no, they won’t be much help.”
“Well, damn.” Buffy stared into her glass, hoping the cool beverage would somehow lend an insight into the workings of Willow’s mind.
She has to have a hidden key around here. It’s not like Will to go without a contingency plan. She smiled slightly at the thought of her friend’s obsessive sense of organization. Buffy knew Willow had a plan for everything. Her eyes began to grow wide, her smile fading as if to compensate. Suddenly, Buffy jumped up from her seat, banging her knee on the leg of the table as she did, startling Dawn.
“Are you okay, Buffy?” Dawn asked and looked on curiously as she watched Buffy’s wide-eyed expression. “What’s up, Buffy?”
“I know where the key is,” Buffy said as the smile on her face returned in force. “C’mon!” She didn’t wait for Dawn to reply; she just dashed out of the kitchen and headed for the door leading out of the apartment.
Dawn raced after Buffy, her curiosity overcoming her confusion at the blonde’s odd behavior. “Buffy, wait up! How do you know where the key is?”
“Something Willow always says,” Buffy called over her shoulder as she moved swiftly down the hallway. She came to a stop just before running into the emergency fire hose hanging on the wall. “Willow always has a plan B. She used to say, ‘I’d rather put out a small fire than have my house burn down.’ And that’s how I know where the key is!” She noticed the increasingly confused look on Dawn’s face and winked at the younger woman. “Watch.”
With a knowing smirk, Buffy turned the handle on the glass door of the case holding the hose. It opened easily. She then ran her hand underneath the to pledge of the small cabinet, murmuring quietly as she did. “C’mon, I know you’re here. Voilàa!” Buffy turned to Dawn with a triumphant grin and held out her hand. Lying on her palm was a silver key with tape on one side to hold it against the metal. “That’s my Will…never make it easy.”
“Wow, Buffy. That’s pretty impressive.” Dawn felt a sense of relief now that the key had been located. She didn’t know Willow well, but the small bits of time that she had found to talk with the redhead were enjoyable. She’d hate to see anything happen to Willow. Her expression turned sad as she and Buffy walked back to her apartment to retrieve Buffy’s belongings. She wanted to follow Buffy to Willow’s apartment, to check on her neighbor. But, Dawn knew this wasn’t the time. Buffy would help Willow. Buffy would check in later and let Dawn know what was happening. There were ways Dawn could help; she would have her chance. “Now get in there and help your friend, Buffy. I have a feeling she needs you. I don’t know a lot about her, but it just doesn’t seem like her to lock herself in her apartment and not contact anyone. It has me concerned.”
Placing her hand gently on Dawn’s shoulder, Buffy gave the brunette a sad smile. “Thanks, Dawn. You’re right; it’s not like Willow to act that way. But I’m not going to forget your help. I’ll be here for a while, I think. I’d love it if we could get together and get to know each other under better circumstances.”
“Yeah,” Dawn said and grinned. “That would be nice. Now get going. And tell Willow hello for me.”
Buffy slung her backpack over her shoulder and picked up her bag. Taking a deep breath to steady herself, she made her way to Willow’s door.
I hope this is really her key…otherwise someone is going to be upset with me. When she reached the door, she slowly slid the key into the lock and turned.
Buffy let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding when she heard the lock open and dropped the key in her pocket. Slowly—almost painfully slowly—Buffy turned the knob and opened the door. The first thing to assault Buffy’s senses was the air in the apartment. It was stagnant and stale, as if a window hadn’t been opened in weeks.
Probably hasn’t been…and for a California girl, this is like not breathing at all. What are you doing, Willow? She looked around the living room as she closed the door behind her. It was a mess…by Willow’s standards, anyway. The coffee table in the center of the room was bare except for two Starbucks cups, a coffee mug with a teabag molding in the bottom, and a layer of dust. Buffy dropped her bags on the couch and turned toward the still-present music playing from elsewhere in the apartment.
“Willow?”
There was no answer; the music kept playing. Buffy made her way down the short hallway. As she passed the bathroom, she noticed that the room was almost impeccably neat. The towels hanging on the walls were perfectly aligned; they looked almost pristine. The music stopped. Then it began again.
The same song? She’s listening to the same song over and over? She listened carefully, trying to recognize the song, as she moved toward the room at the end of the hallway. The door was slightly ajar, allowing Buffy a glimpse into the room. She could see the bed, unmade and covered in clothes, but Willow wasn’t on the bed.
“Willow?” she called once again as she pushed the door open and stepped into the bedroom. The floor was covered in letters and news clippings and syllabi; two scrapbooks lay empty at the end of the bed. The music was loud. Buffy looked around for the source of the music and quickly turned it off. She took the CD out of the small shelf top stereo and looked at the title. “Britney Spears?” she whispered incredulously. “What the hell?”
“Go away, Buffy.”
The sound of a voice not her own surprised Buffy, but only for a moment. She turned toward the voice and released a shocked gasp at the sight before her. “Oh my God.” Willow was sitting on the floor in the corner of the room, pressed in between the wall and the nightstand. Buffy hurried to her friend and knelt before Willow. She gently laid a hand on Willow’s knee only to have it pushed away, weakly.
“I said go away.”
There was no fire, no spirit in Willow’s voice or actions. Buffy noticed that, in fact, Willow seemed barely able to muster the strength to move. The redhead was pale and drawn. It appeared as though she hadn’t eaten or gotten a good night’s rest in days…perhaps, over a week. Her clothes were wrinkled and it was clear that she’d been wearing them for a while. Tears formed in Buffy’s eyes at the sight of Willow, alone and closed in on herself.
“I’m not going away, Will,” she whispered, doing her best to hold back her tears. She wasn’t successful. She swiped her eyes quickly with the back of her hand to clear away the few that had escaped. “I came all the way out here to see you; you’re not making me leave right after getting here.”
Willow raised her head to look at Buffy. Her normally bright green eyes were a dull grey. There was no spark; the typical twinkle was gone. “Then leave me alone. Just…leave me alone.” She turned her head away from Buffy’s gaze to lean her head on the wall and stare into space. “And turn my music back on.”
There was nothing Buffy could do except stare at Willow. Her mind was reeling.
This isn’t Willow. Not my Willow. “Willow,” she whispered, trying once again to reach the redhead, “please, talk to me. Tell me why you’re doing this to yourself.” She extended her hand and softly moved Willow’s hair behind her ear. “I love you, Will. Please let me help you.”
“Leave. Me. Alone.” Willow’s voice was dull. There was no emotion. It was as if she were indifferent to everything. Her eyes never strayed from their focus, or lack thereof. The only part of her body that moved or reacted was her mouth. She was a shell.
Buffy couldn’t stop her tears. She let out a sob and covered her face with her hands. Her crying was cut short by the sound of movement. Buffy looked up from her hands to see Willow slowly stand and walk the short distance to her stereo. The redhead replaced the CD and, after some quick programming, went back to the corner to resume her earlier position. Buffy watched Willow for a few minutes, wondering why Willow was like this. She’d seen Willow sad before, but this was beyond depressed.
As she stared at the thin woman before her, something galvanized inside of Buffy.
No. This will not happen…I won’t let it. She stood quickly and looked down at Willow. “Willow, I love you. I’m not going away and I’m not leaving you alone. You’re just going to have to deal with that.” Her voice was firm and steady; it left no room for interpretation. Walking purposefully to the stereo, she once again turned off the music and removed the CD. This time, however, she didn’t stop there. She moved to the bedroom window and pulled the window open sharply.
When the music had stopped, Willow’s head snapped up and she watched Buffy. Her eyebrows furrowed as she followed Buffy’s movements toward the window. She started a bit at the sound of the window being opened so forcefully, but she didn’t move from her spot on the floor. Willow just watched.
The air that blew through the open window gave Buffy’s resolve added strength. She felt refreshed by the breeze and took a deep breath before meeting Willow’s eyes. She held up the CD. “No more.” She paused and then flung the disk out of the window, hoping it wouldn’t hit a passerby on the head in the process. The sound of the disk hitting the pavement assured her that she hadn’t hit anyone. Buffy saw a flicker of…something in Willow’s eyes.
Anger? Sadness? C’mon, Will…be mad at me. Show me something. “This ends now, Will. You’re going to get up, get in the shower, and get yourself together. Now.”
The flicker was gone and Willow simply turned her head away to lean on the wall again.
“Oh no. You don’t get to turn away from me. You don’t get to tell me to leave. You don’t get to do anything except pull it together.” Buffy strode the few steps necessary to reach Willow and held out her hand to the redhead. “C’mon, Will. I’m here to help you.”
Willow’s gaze slowly lifted until she met Buffy’s eyes. “You can’t help, Buffy. There’s nothing anyone can do. Please, just let me be. I’m fine.” She closed her eyes and drew farther into herself.
Buffy stood perfectly still, amazed that this was the same person she’d grown to know and love over the previous six years. She couldn’t see the bright, effervescent girl Willow was. Even when she first met Willow in their sophomore year, when the redhead seemed sad much of the time, Buffy had never seen this level of despair.
This will NOT happen! Buffy let out a heavy sigh, finally resigned to what she knew she had to do.
“Will, I’m not a psychologist or a doctor or even a school counselor, for that matter. But I am your friend. I’m not going to just stand by and let you do this to yourself.” She reached out and took Willow’s hand in her own, squeezing it firmly. “I love you, Will. Believe me, this is for your own good—and maybe a little bit of mine,” she said, the last mumbled under her breath, as she gathered all of her strength. She moved as quickly as she could, pulling a shocked Willow to her feet before swiftly draping the redhead over her shoulders in a ‘fireman’s carry.’
“Hey!” Willow shouted, finally showing some semblance of emotion. “Put me down, Buffy!” She tried to struggle out of Buffy’s grasp, but the petite blonde was stronger than she appeared…and Willow was just too weak.
“I will not put you down, not yet,” Buffy replied with a clenched jaw; she was struggling slightly.
Just a bit further, she thought as she made her way out of the bedroom. “If this is what it’s going to take to get you to feel something, to get you to talk to me…then so be it.” As she turned into the bathroom, careful not to knock Willow’s head or feet against the doorway, Buffy could feel Willow’s attempts to struggle. “Fight back all you want, Will. It’s no use. You obviously haven’t been taking care of yourself…you don’t have any strength left.”
“Buffy, please, put me down!”
Willows pleading feel on deaf ears. Buffy’s right arm, which was hooked under Willow’s leg, reached across her own body to grasp Willow’s wrist, keeping the struggling woman from breaking free. With her left hand, Buffy quickly drew aside the curtains to the shower. She deposited Willow in the shower, dropping her none too gently on her ass, and turned on the cold water.
Willow sputtered as the water flowed down her face and she struggled to get up from her spot on the floor of the shower. But Buffy held her down and she was still too weak to break free. “Buf- …stop…can’t breathe,” she gurgled in between gasps for air.
“What difference does it make, Willow?” Buffy asked as she leant most of her weight into holding her friend in place. “It’s not like you’re living now! What’s the point in breathing?” She knew the words would hurt Willow; saying those words hurt her own heart too. But this wasn’t a time to be soft and weepy. Willow needed a shock to the system.
God, I hope this works. Willow’s movement stopped and she stared at Buffy with wide eyes. The disbelief came through clearly, and Buffy could have sworn she saw a flash of green in the dull grayness. Both women were breathing hard. They simply stared at each other, neither making the move to break contact.
Buffy relaxed her hold slightly on the redhead. It was a mistake. Without any warning, Willow’s fist connected with Buffy’s jaw, causing the blonde to stumble and fall into the shower with Willow. She didn’t have time to be shocked.
Willow was moving quickly, trying to get her legs out from underneath Buffy’s body. As she scrambled for the edge of the shower, attempting to pull herself away from the cold water and the even colder treatment from Buffy, Willow felt strong arms wrap themselves around her waist. “Let me go, Buffy!” she shouted as she grasped Buffy’s wrists, trying to loosen the blonde’s hold.
“No, Will! I will not let you go.” With a sudden burst of strength, Buffy pulled Willow completely into the shower. The redhead was virtually sitting in Buffy’s lap, still struggling to break free. But Buffy held Willow to herself, drawing the waifish woman closer. She completely enveloped Willow, using her own body as a cocoon. “I love you, Will.”
The grunting sounds of Willow’s struggling began to subside. What little strength remained in Willow’s body was quickly fading. Her attempts to pull Buffy’s arms from around her body changed to ineffectual squirming, hoping she could wrest her body away. But even that stopped as she slumped forward.
The keening sound came from deep within her.
It came from her broken heart.
It came from her bruised soul.
Willow cried as she had never cried before.
And Buffy held her.
“I won’t let you go, Willow,” she whispered as she rocked her defeated friend, her own tears mingling with the water running from the showerhead. “I’ll never let you go.”
Buffy felt Willow’s hands wrap around her forearms once again. This time, however, the hands weren’t trying to pull Buffy’s arms away. Instead, they were holding Buffy, pulling Buffy’s arms more tightly around Willow’s body. This time, they were seeking comfort and strength. This time, Buffy did what Willow asked and held on more fiercely.
“I’ll never let you go,” she repeated. “You’re my family, Will. You’re not getting rid of me any time soon.”
The two women sat under the running water, holding each other and crying. Neither spoke. Buffy began to hum an unidentifiable tune as Willow’s sobs slowed. Once the crying turned to occasional sniffing, Buffy spoke quietly.
“You’re shivering, Will. C’mon, let’s get up and I’ll turn on the hot water so you can take a bath.”
Willow simply nodded, her eyes cast down.
Buffy stood first, and then gently helped Willow stand and exit the shower. She quickly turned on the hot water, switched the water flow to the faucet and plugged the drain. As she turned back to face Willow, Buffy noticed that the woman hadn’t moved. She just stood there, her arms hanging limply at her sides, her eyes unfocused and red.
I’ll bring her back, she thought and moved to stand in front of Willow.
“Willow,” she began quietly, “look at me please.” Eyes glimmering with tears slowly met her own. “Are you okay?”
Willow’s jaw clenched and Buffy could see the effort the redhead made to prevent more tears from spilling. Willow swallowed a few times as her face contorted with her effort to keep from crying. Long moments passed as Buffy waited for Willow to respond. Finally, she cupped Willow’s cheek with her hand and looked at her friend with compassion filled eyes. “Will?”
Willow cried then, though not as she had earlier. Instead, the tears merely slid down her cheeks.
These were not the heartbreaking sobs of a soul in pain.
These were the silent tears of a soul in pain.
Looking at Buffy through her grief, Willow shook her head and whispered, “No.” It was said so quietly, Buffy nearly didn’t hear it.
“Oh, Will,” Buffy said as she gathered Willow in her arms and hugged her. “I’m here. I’ll help you. I’ll never let you go.” She rubbed Willow’s back comfortingly as the redhead quietly cried on her shoulder. After a few minutes, she pulled out of the embrace. “Will? I think your bath is ready. Do you want me to help you?”
Willow shook her head again and took a step away from Buffy, reaching to the hem of her oversized t-shirt as she did. She tried to lift the wet, heavy material up her body and over her head, only to find that she simply couldn’t exert that much energy. Dropping her arms back to her side, she let out a self-deprecating snort and gave Buffy what might have been considered the beginning of a smirk. “Um…yes, please.”
Buffy’s heart leapt when she saw the corner of Willow’s mouth twitch and heard Willow’s voice, decidedly raspy from the crying.
She’s not completely lost. My Willow is still in there…and she’s not far away. “C’mon, let’s get you out of those clothes and into the hot tub before you get sick.”
For as forceful as Buffy was with Willow when she dropped the redhead in the shower, she was now infinitely gentle with her friend. Fortunately, Willow was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, so there weren’t lots of zippers, buttons and snaps to deal with. Unfortunately, Willow was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, so the wet material clung to the redhead’s body.
After finally succeeding in fighting against cotton and fleece, Buffy stared at Willow’s body. She’d seen it before. Years of communal showers after gym class and countless sleepovers attested to that. But Buffy was still shocked at what she saw. Namely, she could see, with great definition, each and every one of Willow’s ribs. Her heart broke all over again at the sight of Willow’s hipbones protruding sharply from her body.
Oh, Willow. We’ll make it better. Willow’s voice brought Buffy out of her thoughts.
“Don’t get any ideas, Buff.” Willow’s voice sounded as if she’d just been yelling for hours non-stop. “I love you, too…but not like that.”
The brief twinkle in Willow’s eye didn’t go unnoticed by Buffy. Neither did the look of sadness.
She knows what I’m seeing…and she’s not proud of herself. Good. “While I admit that you have a nice ass, I’ve never had the urge to squeeze it,” Buffy deadpanned. “I think your virtue is safe.” She gave Willow a small smile and a wink, happy to see a small grin form on Willow’s features in return. “Now, into the tub with you…let’s go.” She stood back and watched as Willow carefully stepped into the tub and began to sink into the hot water. Willow’s sharp intake of breath brought Buffy to her side immediately. “What’s wrong?” she asked as she grasped Willow’s elbow.
“Just hot. It’s alright.”
“Oh, okay.” But Buffy didn’t relinquish her hold on Willow’s arm; she held on until Willow was safely seated in the tub. She looked down at her own drenched clothes and suddenly realized how uncomfortable she was.
Why do women participate in wet t-shirt contests? This feels awful. “Um, Will? Think you’ll be okay while I go change into dry clothes? I mean, I love these jeans, but right now they are getting just a bit too intimate, ya know?”
Willow nodded and looked up at Buffy. “Sure, go ahead, Buffy. I promise I’ll keep my head above the water.”
The implication of those words hit Buffy in the chest and she dropped to her knees beside the tub. “Oh, God, Will,” she whispered fiercely. “Don’t you
dare.” A lone tear streamed down her cheek.
“No, Buffy,” Willow replied quickly, her eyes widening as much as her strength would allow. “I would never…” Her head fell back against the wall and she closed her eyes for a minute. When she opened them again, she looked at Buffy, the corners of her mouth forming a sad smile. “I’m sorry. I was trying for ‘look at me with the levity…I must be okay.’ But it didn’t work out so well. And…and I’m not okay. But I will be.”
The blonde took a deep breath and returned the smile. “Yeah,” Buffy murmured as she reached out to push a lock of red hair behind Willow’s ear. “You will be. I’ll make sure of it. I love you, Will. You’re the only sister I have, and I’m not letting you go.”
“I love you too, Buffy.” Willow took Buffy’s hand in her own and placed a kiss on the blonde’s palm. “Now go change. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back and then I’ll wash your hair for you, alright?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Thank you, Buffy.”
Buffy watched as Willow leant back in the tub and closed her eyes. After a few moments, she turned to retrieve her own bag from the living room. Out of the corner of her eye, Buffy saw the picture of her and Willow at graduation just over three years earlier. It was displayed prominently on Willow’s bookshelf. It had a shelf all to itself…no other photos, no books. Just the picture.
And I’m sure Tara’s picture has a space just as special…even now.It didn’t take Buffy long to change her clothes. She’d remembered to grab a towel on her way out of the bathroom, knowing that she must look like a drowned cat and would need to dry off. As she dried her hair, once again comfortable in dry shorts and a tank top, Buffy looked around Willow’s bedroom. It was fairly sparse; there wasn’t much furniture. The full size bed dominated the room.
The bed needs to be made. We’ll work on that tomorrow. I’m sure the sheets need a washing. There was a small nightstand next to the bed; it sat fairly near one wall of the room—creating the small space where Buffy found her friend just over an hour earlier. On the opposite side of the room was a dresser, right next to which was a door.
Closet. There was a modest rocking chair in the corner of the room near the window, a small stack of books on the floor next to it. Otherwise, the room was bare. The walls held no pictures or posters. The room was very…crisp. Dusty, but crisp.
Surprisingly, she felt good, energetic. She was worried about Willow, no doubt, but she had seen glimpses of the girl she’d met years earlier in high school. That was enough to give her hope that her friend wasn’t lost.
But even if she were, I’d find her. I’ll always find her. Even so, Buffy knew that her trip to Boston wouldn’t be a quick one; she would have to stick around for a while. She would need to make sure Willow
did get better. And until she was sure of that, she would stay. Even if it meant taking a semester off from school.
I bet Dawn will help. It made Buffy feel more confident knowing that Dawn was there. She’d only known the dark-haired woman for a few hours, but she had a feeling that she could trust her. Besides, if Dawn were a psycho freak, surely Willow would have mentioned it. As it was, it seemed as though their interactions to date had been pretty uneventful since Willow hadn’t brought Dawn up in any correspondence.
But at least Willow will have a friend right next door rather than on the other side of the country…or world. This brief memory of Tara brought Buffy back to the task at hand.
Buffy returned to the bathroom a few minutes later; she’d pulled her damp hair back into a ponytail to keep it out of the way. Willow still had her eyes closed.
I don’t think she’s moved since I left. Kneeling next to the tub, Buffy listened to the steady rhythm of Willow’s breathing. The redhead was asleep. She looked peaceful for the first time since Buffy arrived. Buffy dipped her fingers into the water, testing the temperature. Finding that it had cooled quite a bit, Buffy decided she needed to wake Willow and help her dry off and get dressed.
First things first. “Will?” she said quietly, not wanting to startle her friend. “Hey, Will…c’mon, time to get up.” She placed her hand gently on Willow’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. Buffy couldn’t help but smile as she watched Willow’s eyes scrunch up in aggravation at being woken. “Let’s go, sleepy. We gotta wash your hair and dry you off. You can go to bed soon.”
“Buffy?” Willow mumbled as she slowly opened her eyes, squinting against the light in the bathroom. “I was sleeping? How long?”
“Just long enough for me to dry off and change…and notice that your bedroom looks like it should be in a hospital,” Buffy explained as she turned on the hot water and grabbed the showerhead. “Put your head back.” She quickly wet Willow’s hair and proceeded to use the shampoo she’d grabbed from the small shower shelf. “Feels good, huh?” Buffy asked when she noted how quickly Willow relaxed. Willow’s quiet hum was all the answer she received. As she worked the shampoo into a lather and massaged Willow’s scalp, Buffy returned to her earlier train of thought. “What’s up with that, Will?”
“Hmm?”
“What’s up with your room? It looks like there should be a plaque outside the door saying ‘Rosenberg General.’”
“Oh.”
For a few moments, Buffy wasn’t sure if Willow was going to respond. She decided to leave her friend alone with her thoughts for the time being; but she was determined to make sure Willow answered her.
“Close your eyes.” Once the lather was rinsed away, Buffy leaned over and pulled the plug in the drain. She grabbed a towel and stood up, ready to help Willow. She was pleased to see that the soak in the hot bath seemed to give Willow a bit more energy. Willow was getting up and stepping out of the tub on her own. She was still a little wobbly, but she didn’t need Buffy to hold her up.
“I’m ready for more pampering,” Willow said, holding her arms over her head—an invitation for Buffy to wrap the towel around her body.
Buffy snorted and tossed the towel at Willow, hitting the redhead squarely in the face. “Pampering my ass. Get yourself dried off and I’ll hang up the wet clothes. I’ll meet you in the bedroom.” She picked up Willow’s clothes from the floor and turned to leave.
“I took them down.”
The sound of Willow’s voice stopped Buffy in her tracks. Its tone had once again become the voice of the dejected. She turned to look at the redhead, who was standing in the middle of the bedroom, holding the towel close to her body. “What?”
Willow’s eyes locked with Buffy’s. “Pictures, posters…I took them down.”
“It’s okay, Will…I’ll help you put them back up.”
“They remind me of Tara,” Willow whispered. “All I did was think about her when I saw them. So I took them down.”
“Will.” Buffy took a step forward and waited for Willow to look at her. Once she saw the tear-filled gray-green eyes, Buffy continued. “I have a feeling that you think about Tara whether you see them or not. Right?”
“Yeah,” Willow sighed.
“That’s what I thought.” The smile on Buffy’s face showed both her understanding and her amusement. “I’ll help you put them back up.”
Willow nodded and turned away to dry herself.
Buffy returned to the bedroom and began to rummage through the closet for some empty hangers. She held the wet clothes in her left hand, careful to keep them away from her body and the dry clothes she wore.
What they really need is to be washed, but that’s not happening right now. The thought of smelling moldy clothes made Buffy shudder. “Blech! Dry now…hamper later.” As she’d expected, Buffy didn’t have to do much rummaging. Willow’s closet was organized very carefully—skirts, then pants, then blouses, then dresses. Separating the clothing for above the waist from the clothing for below the waist was a collection of hangers, just waiting to be used. She pulled out a couple of hangers and made short work of covering them with their clothes. On her way back to the bathroom to hang them on the shower rod, Buffy passed a dry and more alert looking Willow.
“Well, you look a bit better. Guess that bath did you some good, huh?”
“Yeah,” Willow said with a sheepish expression, “I’m not proud about saying that it’s been a few days. But, definitely better. I feel slightly alive again.” She looked down at the towel wrapped around her. “I think now I’m going to put on some clothes…some real clothes.”
“Yep,” Buffy called out as she made her way to the bathroom, “That should help. I’ve always found, in my very long life, that fashion is a sure way to take in all that life has to offer.” She came back into the room and flopped onto the bed. “The only difference between us and the apes is fashion…and we don’t have the excessive body hair.”
By this time, Willow had donned a pair of jeans and a loose fitting blouse. “Well, most of us don’t. I admit to seeing a few guys who made me wonder…the only thing that said human was their ability to stand upright.”
“Sounds like some of the guys I’ve dated,” Buffy chuckled, rolling onto her back and linking her hands behind her head. “I have no idea what I was thinking.”
Willow joined Buffy on the bed, also lying on her back, but with her head popped on Buffy’s stomach. “Do you ever see Jason the Poopyhead?”
“I’ve seen him once or twice. Amazingly, I never had to say or do anything to him. Cordelia came to my rescue, if you can believe that. Once she was through with him, I think I heard a rumor that he was joining a Tibetan monastery.”
“I still can’t believe you and Cordelia are going to school together…and that you’re
friends.”
Buffy laughed lightly, which turned into a full giggle when she saw Willow’s head bouncing up and down on her stomach, and reached down to absentmindedly play with Willow’s hair. “I wouldn’t call us friends. We’ve come to an understanding. She’s no longer the big fish in the little pond, and I’m no longer competing with her for boys. It’s a good truce.” Buffy playfully mussed Willow’s damp hair. “But we’re not here to talk about Cordelia or my love life. We’re here to talk about yours.”
After a long pause, Willow heaved a sigh. “Or my lack thereof.” She brought her forearm to her head and covered her eyes. “I don’t know how it happened, Buffy.”
Buffy gave Willow a nudge, indicating that the redhead should sit up. Once Willow had moved, Buffy followed suit and sat with her legs crossed directly across from Willow. “Well, let’s start with the basics. I’m willing to bet next year’s tuition money that this is about Tara.” At Willow’s nod of confirmation, Buffy continued. “And now I’m willing to bet
your tuition money that it has to do with that ill-fated conversation on the computer last month.” Another nod. “Well, I’m out of tuition money to bet, so you’re just gonna have to pick up from here.”
A mischievous smirk formed on Willow’s face as she looked into curious hazel eyes. “I
am going to graduate school. You can always bet that money too and keep guessing.”
Buffy didn’t share Willow’s amusement. Instead, she gave Willow a hard glare. “That remains to be seen, Will. I talked to Doc Harry.” Buffy waited for this news to sink in. Willow’s smirk quickly faded and was replaced with a grimace. “I couldn’t reach you here, and you didn’t return my messages. So I looked up the number for your department and called there looking for you. I figured maybe you were there long hours working on a project or something. The secretary said she hadn’t seen you and offered to transfer me to your advisor. I took what I could get,” she said, the last with a slight shrug. Buffy reached out and tilted Willow’s head up, so that they were eye to eye. “Will…he said you hadn’t been to his summer class. He said he called you and emailed – even looked up your address and came by here one day. He’s worried about you.” Buffy dropped her hand back to her lap and sniffed, trying to hold back tears. “That’s when I really knew something was wrong. And that’s when I got on a plane and came here.” A sly smile appeared on Buffy’s lips. “Only a major life crisis would keep you from going to class.”