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[center]For my beta starcomed, it might be my writing, but it's all the better because of you. Thanks.[/center]
Chapter Two – Emotional
Willow banged on the door demanding entry.
“Good lord Willow!” Giles opened the door quirking a curious and peeved eyebrow at her.
“Giles I need to look at that book I borrowed about a month ago. The one on Sumerian rituals.” Willow was in a panic.
“Well, yes of course. Please come in.” He shuffled aside assuming the worst. “Are we having some kind of Hellmouth disaster that I need to be informed of?”
“Umm, well… yes, it’s kind of a Hellmouth disaster, but not so much in a slayer-demon kind of way… more in a Willow kind of wunder-wacky-witch kind of way.” She was more than a little distressed. “Ok, okay I admit it, I read the ritual too quickly, but it wasn’t too complicated. I scribbled it down, well, mostly… but I was in a hurry. It was getting late and I didn’t want it to get so late, too late means vamp midnight snack and I don’t want to be a vamp-snack because then I wouldn’t be alive, I’d be dead alive. I mean who wants to be dead alive, not me, I say….”
And I wouldn’t get to see her again.
Giles stared at Willow as she sputtered and gesticulated wildly around his apartment. Finally he took her in hand. He gently reached out to the girl-woman holding her by the shoulders with a fixed gaze and in an even voice he addressed her. “Willow, please calm down and tell me what’s going on and then we can work this out.”
Willow’s eyes widened finally registering Giles’ sincere expression of concern. She slumped her shoulders and dropped her chin to her chest in defeat before muttering. “I think I really screwed up. Really.”
Giles led her to the couch. “Sit, let me fix us a cup of tea, and you can tell me all about it.” He went into the kitchen.
‘Tea’ was his liquid band-aid for all disasters, big and small. Willow couldn’t help but let a small smile hint at the corners of her mouth in appreciation. He was like a stuffy British teddy bear sometimes, bristly and tweedy but sweet and comforting nonetheless.
He returned with a tray that had a pot of tea, two cups, sugar, cream, scones, butter, and jam. The volume in question was tucked under one arm. Putting the tray on the table he took a seat opposite Willow. “Eh-um.” He cleared his throat hoping to prompt her while taking the book and setting it next to the tray.
She looked up and sighed heavily as he poured her some tea adding a bit of sugar and cream, just as she liked it. Willow picked up her cup, took a sip, and then closed her eyes. She began explaining.
Listening attentively and patiently Giles waited while Willow recounted her story. He consciously made no remark or comment. It was evident that she was feeling incredibly fragile. When she was done he picked up the book and started scanning through it. Finding what he needed he read carefully. Once he finished, he pulled off his glasses off and covered one of his eyes with a hand. “Are you absolutely sure Willow? You preformed the Sacer Adfinitas Opimus and called on Inanna the goddess of warfare, love and sexuality, prosperity and… fertility?”
She watched his mannerisms like a scientist.
Glasses off and covering eye – bad, that’s very bad. Willow could only glumly nod in the affirmative at his questions.
“Well, there are several chants here, each chant addresses different requests from the conjurer. Which one did you use?” Giles technically pointed out.
“Inanna the maiden, bless and cradle. Keep us open, our wishes able.” Willow rolled her eyes picking out key words and their dual meanings. She thought about her abridged notes and how she had merely skimmed the text.
Anything with the word ‘wishes’, always evil.
“I see. Besides the actual ritual, the other details were in place? She was bathed and anointed? There was ceremonial music playing? And, eh-um, you laid together afterwards?” Giles went over the mystical checklist.
Pouting Willow muttered softly. “She had a shower before I got there and was wearing some amber oil. I think some traditional Persian or Indian music was playing in the background… and I spent the night.” Willow perked up in alarm. “Well, I mean I slept there, in her bed… as in sleep. No touching, no naughty touching!” Then she softened. “But yeah, I guess we technically ‘laid together’.”
And inadvertently cuddled. “And, we used a Doll’s Eye crystal to focus our energy.”
“Really? And which way was it pointed?” Although the answer was obvious to the Englishman, he asked just to be sure.
“Towards Tara.” Willow wrinkled her brow, during the ritual she didn’t think about where the crystal was pointed. Her eyes went wide with comprehension.
Ugh, thank goddess it wasn’t pointed at me… me pregnant? That would be worse… I think.
Giles shook his head side to side. “And she’s sure?” Ever the gentleman, he delicately inquired. “There isn’t a more common biological answer. She wasn’t seeing anyone?”
Willow nervously shifted in place. “Um, no Giles. No, not dating anyone… she’s uh, Tara’s gay, as in doesn’t play in Boystown.”
“Well, yes, I understand what ‘gay’ means. I wasn’t born in the Stone Age.” He stated dryly. Assessing her tortured expression he paused before continuing in a more compassionate tone. “Well, I’m afraid it’s more than credible, I believe it’s seems to be quite true.” Sincerely concerned he questioned her further. “What would you like to do Willow?”
Willow opened and closed her mouth several times, not quite knowing what to say. She needed confirmation that it was even achievable. And it was. It was beyond a mere possibility with all the combined factors it was undeniable. Finally she mumbled. “I guess… I guess it’s up to Tara. But whatever she decides I’ll support her. I mean, it was really my fault, so it’s my responsibility.”
Giles nodded sagely.
Saying it out loud sparked something in Willow. She thought about her absentee parents, how disappointed and angry it always made her. She thought about how Oz had just up and left her. She thought about how the Scoobies seemed to be always just missing each other and not hanging out like they used to. And here she was doing the same thing; abandoning, avoiding, and leaving Tara alone for the past week. Guilt engulfed her, she had deserted her friend after being the cause of this drama. And Tara had been there for her during her Oz-mopes; never asking for anything, just sweet and supportive. Plus, she was more than a big help in the Scooby witchy department. And worst of all, Willow wigged. Completely and totally wigged when Tara told her everything all at once.
“Willow did you hear me? Are you alright? Is there anything I can do to assist?” Giles stood up and placed a hand on her shoulder. He trained a heedful eye on the uncharacteristically mute woman before him.
“Ah, sorry lots going on up there.” Willow tapped her forehead. “I need to talk to her, I need to talk to her right now. I’ve been a bad friend all avoidy for the past week.” She wrinkled her brow.
“It’s understandable considering, but I agree, you should speak with her.”
Willow put her tea down; she was done thinking and talking. “Thanks Giles. I think… I think it’s time to be action girl. As in seeing Tara which would also entail thinking and talking, which isn’t really ‘actiony’, but I think you know what I mean.” She stood up with a determined look on her face and squared her shoulders. The cogs were turning and she had plans forming in her brain.
“Of course.” Giles knew the bright girl always had her heart in the right place. She wasn’t always cautious when it came to magick and that surprised him. She seemed so fastidious in almost every other way. Then again, he did comprehend in some ways, that they were a lot alike.
Grabbing her bag she made her way towards the door. “Giles, uh, no one knows about Tara, as in pregnant and gay, so um… you know.”
“Of course.”
She paused at the door and turned quickly to give him a hug. “Thanks Giles for everything.”
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- March -
It was tape loop in her head that she couldn’t help going over again hoping that each reenactment would shed more light, or offer her some form of solace. Still laying on her futon, Tara backtracked; recounting the night she told Willow… everything.
At the time she was physically feeling off, but she had the best person in the world keeping her company. Her breasts felt swollen, her tummy acidy, and she felt overly emotional. It was close to that special time of the month so it made sense. Still, suspicion got the best better of her, that itch again at the back of her head. She had always possessed a keen intuition, but she ignored it until….
- February (Past) -
Tara missed her period. She never missed her period. She dismissed the queasy feeling and constant hunger that seemed to occur at the same time. Her mouth felt coated and she seemed to always need to use the bathroom. It was just nerves so it would eventually come, just late.
But it never came and she didn’t have too much time to dwell on it. It was easy to overlook all the signs because of Faith’s arrival in Sunnydale. But that wasn’t the only reason, she was also so entranced and distracted by Willow. And really the idea seemed so ludicrous.
‘Ayala flows the river in me.’ The spell that confirmed the slayer body switch also triggered something in Tara, realigning her thought pattern and reawakening her intuition. Something was up with her… her body. After meeting Mr. Giles and Buffy, or this time Buffy in Faith, she left them and promptly went to a drug store. She walked home nervously with a pink and white box disguised in a small paper bag. It seemed utterly ridiculous and she almost laughed at herself. As soon as she entered the dorm and got to her floor she went into the bathroom. Three tests and twenty minutes later she was running out the dorm to the closest drug store. She purchased two more kits and promptly returned home. Six more tests and an hour later she was in her room crying. It was conclusive, she knew it; she felt it. There was only one way it could happen; that was obvious.
Oh Goddess, what am I going to do?
At that exact moment a familiar knock rapped on her door quickly followed by a friendly ‘hello’ and Willow walked into her room. Tara tried to regain her composure, but it was too late. Willow noticed and was already on her bed cradling her and rubbing her back in a friendly and concerned manner.
“Hey Tara, it’s ok. What’s wrong?” Willow’s voice rained concern and tenderness over her.
Tara could only shake her head against Willow’s shoulder.
“Come on, really, you can tell me anything.” Willow pulled back trying to get a peek at the woman’s face hidden behind a curtain of blond hair.
“Oh W-Willow. I…it’s b-bad.” She finally managed to get out.
She hadn’t heard Tara stutter like that in a while; her head was bowed down so low it made Willow’s heart break. Pulling away, she lifted her friend’s chin and tucked a stray lock behind her ear. Then took both hands in her own. “Whenever you’re ready, you can tell me.” Willow patiently waited.
Tara considered this. It was now or never and she was caught up in the emotional tide. “I… I’m p-p pregnant.” Tara muttered between tears. Her head was still bowed down, but she peered up just enough to observe her friend.
“What? I’m sorry, what? Oh my god! No wonder you’re all weepy? Wait a frilly minute? Did he run out on you… that dummy-head. Who’s the big booger? I’ll beat him up for you or I’ll get Buffy to do it. Here I am this whole time being all me, me, me with Oz and Scooby stuff and you have this thing…
big thing going on.” Willow caught her breath.
She really does care, maybe she does understand. Maybe there’s some way to work this out? Tara quieted down.
“Seriously Tara, you tell me who the guy is and he’s toast! You just point daddy out.” Willow stated firmly.
Tara paused pondering her friend’s impassioned words. Then she slowly, very slowly pointed at Willow.
“Wha? Do I have something on me.” Willow looked at Tara in a befuddled manner then stared at his own chest looking for the imaginary stain of goobley-goo on her shirt.
“N-n no.” Tara took a deep breath. “Y-you… d-daddy.”
Willow cocked her head completely puzzled, until comprehension slowly sunk in. She dropped Tara’s hands in shock and moved away. “I am sorry, did you say I was the ‘daddy?’ because ‘hello’ girl here.” She laughed a little maniacally. “You know, basic plumbing problem down there, not to mention breasts. Well, I guess, guys technically have breasts too, or chests, so that’s a moot point. Ok, I’m getting a little off topic here.” She stopped to seriously assess Tara again.
Finally Tara really looked up wiping the tears from her eyes. She closed them briefly taking a deep breathe and letting it out slowly trying to calm down.
“Tara? Umm, elementary biology makes, uh, me being daddy impossible. Not to mention well we didn’t, um do anything… you know anything.” Willow paused before cautiously continuing. “It’s probably someone you’ve been dating, some boy. I mean, are you? Dating… some boy? Who is he? It’s ok, tell me who it is and we’ll go talk to him.”
Tara shook her head. “No b-boy. I….” She inhaled and exhaled. “I-I’m g-gay.” She let out a huge sigh.
There I’ve told her everything, almost everything. One shock at a time, I’ll just leave the crush part out. In many ways she was relieved, but now she was completely vulnerable and that was even scarier.
“No. You dated some boy recently and now there’s this problem.” Willow’s voice became firm.
“Willow, I’m g-gay, I d-don’t date b-boys.” Tara nervously traced the pattern on her bedspread. “It… it was the s-spell, I-Inanna.” She hated her stutter now more than ever.
Ok, Tara’s gay. Why didn’t I know that before? The Inanna spell, no that’s impossible! That’s not why we used it. “Are you sure, I mean, none, no boy, not even one. It only takes one. Maybe you’re not pregnant, how can you be sure? The spell? No it can’t be.” Willow waved it off dismissively.
“No boy, z-zero boys. Missed p-period. I’m nine t-tests positively p-pregnant. And it’s got to be the s-spell.” Tara was feeling exhausted.
Panic and denial set in as a sinking feeling came over Willow. She got up, started pacing and gesturing with her hands. “Nine tests, are you sure? Ok, ok. Gay, you’re gay. Why didn’t I know that? The spell? Why the spell was fine, it was to repel my feelings of abandonment. I felt it lift off me.” Willow crinkled her brow. “And I felt the pulsing and heavy breathing… and… well this is the Hellmouth, it could be something else. Anything else!”
‘Anything else’? Granted this is weird, really weird. But, does she have a problem with me? Now? Now that she knows I’m gay. It was one of Tara’s worst fears. She heard the whispers in the hallways of high school; the way people sidestepped her in her hometown, the harsh names, the innuendo, the admonishment from her father, and the punishment at the hands of her brother. It made her feel awful and worthless. Old scars, old wounds. But this wasn’t high school or her hometown. She had left there for a better place; even it was on a Hellmouth. She started to get angry and that counteracted her stutter. She stood up and crossed her arms over her chest. “Do you have a problem with me being gay? ‘Cause I have been as long for as I can remember, so again, no boy or boys. I’ve only been with you… um, hanging out, that is. Yes, nine tests, all positive. And I’m sorry, but it was the spell. I can’t think of anything else it could be.”
“Ok, ha, ha, ha. Joke’s on me, that was funny Tara, really funny. But you’ve got me all freaked out now.” Willow was hoping it was a joke, but she had a feeling deep down that it wasn’t. She had never seen this side of Tara before all angry and deadly serious.
“Sorry, no joke. Trust me, it would be much easier if it was.” Tara said gravely.
Sense and reason left Willow just then, instantly replaced by an irrational agitation. “Well I think you should have told me you were gay! How did I know what would happen. I wouldn’t have done the spell if I had known that. No, two women cannot have a baby. I think you have it all wrong. Last time I checked, you can’t get pregnant holding hands. Spell-shmell, it couldn’t be the spell! I think I should go, ‘cause this isn’t funny.” Willow didn’t bother to look at Tara; she was already headed for the door.
“Fine. Go!” Tara yelled, as the door slammed shut. She looked around the room, angry and confused until the fury left her. Then she dropped her arms and head. She slowly went over to her futon and collapsed into it crying.
Hormones and mood swings, great! Goddess help me.
- March -
That was the last time Tara spoke to Willow. A week or so had passed. They had avoided each other, and that was it. In that week Tara made a decision. She wanted the baby. Termination? She thought of it, the idea was a quick flash and gone. She believed everyone had a right to one, but she couldn’t. Someday she had hoped to be a mother, but she had always thought of adopting. There were so many children out there without parents. But, this was her chance to conceive with another woman, it was a rare gift. Plus, it was part Willow’s and that made it all the more important. Even if the redhead could never return her affection, she would always have a part of her with her. She had left home on her own, she could do this too. But she didn’t kid herself that it would be difficult. Despite her determination, she broke down and cried once more; lots of tears for too many feelings.
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Geez, formatting takes a while. That damned 'submit' button still makes me nervous.