From the Journal...Part 14E
She kissed me back a couple more times and the tears finally stopped and she sniffled a bit as she embraced me again, her arms and hands holding me tight. I stroked her hair, her back, held her closely as well and when we separated she rubbed at her eyes and nose.
I offered her some tissues and she blew her nose, complaining about how hot she was and took off her sweater, tossing it towards the desk chair. She sat down on my bed and though she still seemed dejected and upset, looked at least a little more at ease.
I gave her another Kleenex to wipe her face and eyes and then sat down next to her. I put my arm around her and she leaned her head against my shoulder. She let out a little sigh and said, ‘Tara, what am I going to do?’
Thank the Goddess you can’t break a heart anymore than mine already was. I just sighed and told her truthfully that I didn’t know, in the end it was going to have to be something that she figured out for herself because she’d have to live with whatever decision she made.
I felt her arm snake around my waist and it gave me a bittersweet smile, how I marvel each time we touch, how natural it feels and how exciting the tingle of energy is between us. Living without that is going to be so hard, like suddenly developing color blindness, everything will be dull and grey. I shuddered at the thought of her not being in my life.
I finally told her that the only piece of advice I could honestly give her was something my Mother had once told me near the end. She’d said not to rush into decisions in the heat of the moment, when sudden emotions overwhelmed you and nothing seemed right. She told me to take the time to identify, come to grips with, your feelings so that you knew your heart and could follow what it said. I told her that the right choice would become clearer as she realized how she really felt, what was correct for her. She’d feel it deep down and then she’d be able to be happy again, because she’d know she did what was best for her.
She just shook her head and said she hoped so, everything seemed like such a miasma now. She just felt sick and floaty, like she had no bearings and she just wanted to be held, make believe everything was all right.
I swallowed and blinked back more tears. We shuffled further onto the bed and as we lay down, drew her into me. One arm I slipped underneath her, between her neck and the pillow while the other I wrapped tightly around her middle. She pressed back into me and I could feel a series of little shivers go through her.
Goddess, when will the pain ever end? How much evil am I paying for? Her scent was so overpowering, the desire for her so strong and yet the last thing I needed to feel right then. I closed my eyes and lost myself in her nearness. I felt her hands hold my arm, press me more firmly around her. I just wanted to tell her how much I loved her, how we’d make it through this together, that everything would be all right in the end, but I couldn’t. That would have made things more difficult, more confused for her. She didn’t need that, she required comfort more than anything else and that’s what I tried to give her. One eye silently leaked onto the pillow, but I ignored it.
After a while she’d stopped moving and I almost thought she was asleep. I softly stroked her forehead and cheek, hoping the sensation might help her rest, if that was what she needed. Instead she just sighed and I realized her cheeks were wet again, too.
A short time later I felt her shift and notice the clock by the bed, it was almost past 2:00 in the afternoon, I realized I’d missed another class and lunch but didn’t care. However, she let out a squawk and sat up suddenly. Her eyes were dry at least and she did seem more calm and composed, though now she had her ‘I’m late’ and slightly embarrassed face.
She looked back at me and said that she was supposed to be in the library with a study group for one of her classes and she couldn’t miss it as they’d been planning on getting together all last week and the presentation was almost a third of their grade and she really didn’t trust any of the others to get it right, or get much done as they all seemed like excessive party types not study bunnies but she was stuck with them and she had the same clothes on from yesterday and needed to shower and change and she’d never make it in time and still get there before they left or gave up…
I smiled in genuine amusement and just lay there while she sort of paced and fidgeted throughout her babble. She turned back to me and the sudden energy seemed to drain from her. She gave me a wistful smile and leaned down and kissed me on the cheek saying thanks and that she didn’t mean to be such a bothersome cry baby, but that she was glad we’d gotten to talk a bit, that I’d definitely helped and that she’d call me later.
And she was gone.
I didn’t have class for a little while and so I just remained on the bed remembering how good it felt to be holding her. She was right, life had started to get so good, how bad would it be now?
Eventually I rose and got my books and stuff ready. Maybe he was just passing through and would be back on the road soon. I could hope, but of course that ignores who I am and I knew better. It wouldn’t take long before she realized they’d spent so much more time together, were closer than we ever became, and ended up as a couple once again. It seems so pre-ordained.
After that what would happen? She’d come over occasionally, do a spell now or then, but never stay the night. No more waking up with her in my bed, snuggling through the darkness. The rest of the group would continue to see me as an intruder, she certainly wouldn’t be dragging me with her anymore, so I’d remain outside their tight circle. Eventually she’d find that schoolwork, boyfriend activities and Scoobyage would take up all her time and there’d be none for me.
Goddess, could I live through that? See her slipping away from me day by day? Would I become angry and resentful, or desperate and clingy, inventing any reason to see her again, run into her after class or even start putting myself in danger, not caring if something happened to me, hoping that she’d notice and come rescue me? Would I sink that low? Would I even care?
I saw her sweater lying on the seat of the chair and couldn’t help indulging my sense of self pity. But I just wanted to hold onto her a little longer, have some of her scent, her presence, with me. I held the soft knitting in my hands, smelled her and was a little dizzy. Goddess the way she made me feel; though I suppose it could have been the lack of food, too.
I put on her sweater and it seemed like she was with me. I know, it was a pathetic attempt to hold onto something that was drifting away, it probably wasn’t healthy and almost got me killed, but at the time it was so comforting, reminded me that at one point she had said we were girlfriends.
I went to class, it was a blur as before, though I think I managed to take a few notes. Really I wasn’t thinking about much at all, just sort of drifting on autopilot or something. No need to dwell on what wasn’t likely to happen, though images of her still dominated my mind at various points and I caught myself wondering what we’d do for the Beltane ritual, even though that’s a couple weeks off and who knows if she’ll even be interested then?
Afterwards I plodded out of class and headed down the hallway lost in thoughts of some of the spells we’d done, especially how fantastic it’d been when our energies merged and we’d floated the rose, it had been so beautiful, like her, of course.
Suddenly I heard her name called, and I sort of turned and there he was, standing by one of the bulletin boards. He said ‘hey,’ and came towards me commenting that he thought he heard Willow, which seemed pretty odd, though I guess with his werewolf senses he must have actually thought he smelled her.
Anyway, he came right up to me, cool, collected, a little shorter than me but with a sort of faded, stripped, flannel shirt over a dark T-shirt. He definitely looked like a musician, though maybe if I hadn’t known he was in a band it wouldn’t have seemed that way.
I said ‘hey,’ back and we awkwardly stood there a moment. I mean, what could we have to say to each other? I knew a lot about him but I was a total stranger. I noticed he was carrying a UCSD folder and a notebook and my heart plummeted: not just passing through then.
But I had to check, know for sure and so I asked him if he was coming back to school here, sort of nodding at his materials. He held them up a bit and replied that he was pretty much feeling highly motivated.
I knew at that moment that any hope of happiness with her was a thing of the past. It was like my life collapsed down and ended in that one simple sentence. Yeah, he would be highly motivated to come back, pick up where he left off with the most singular, unique and wonderful woman ever made. I couldn’t blame him and even as my heart sank rapidly and disappeared in the nether world where it belongs, I tried to put on a false front like I used to for Father. Nothing’s the matter, just be calm and don’t make things worse or Donny will really lay into you later, sometime when you think you’re safe or that he’s forgotten.
I managed to stammer that that was great, it was great for him and Willow. Goddess, I didn’t even stutter her name. He said he hoped so and I said, ‘good,’ thinking that at least she might have a chance to be happy and not deal with her parents or coming out or being gay. At least her life would be a little easier from now on. I might have stumbled over some more words and he interrupted asking if that was her sweater?
I knew instantly that it had been a bad idea to wear it, and ducked my head afraid to look at him and tried to just go on, saying that I hoped they’d be very happy, even though I knew that would be denied me from now on. I did, and still do, want the best for her, but I couldn’t look at him, it was like seeing my future isolation and loneliness standing in front of me.
He stated that I smelled like her in an accusatory voice, those werewolf senses I guess, and I stared at the top of my notebook. Why did he have to continue talking? Couldn’t he just leave me alone, he was going to get Willow, what more did he want?
He continued saying that she was all over me, did I know that? I wanted to cry out that it was only one last time! Just go, let me get to my room where I can let the mounting tears free and mourn for all that was being taken from me.
Instead I just spluttered that I couldn’t…couldn’t talk about that. Not right then, not with him especially. What she and I had was too private…personal, and I knew she still wasn’t ready to admit her nascent feelings for me to anyone else.
I tried to move off, to go around him and he reached out very fast and grabbed my arm, holding it firmly but not hard enough to cause any pain. He stated in a demanding voice, ‘but there’s something to talk about?’ And I realized he was quicker on the uptake than a lot of her other friends. Maybe he just paid more attention to her than they did.
He asked if we were involved, his voice getting loud and upset. I looked at him, some stairs nearby and then back to him saying clearly that I had to go. I knew this wasn’t a conversation we should be having, I just wanted to get out of there. This was for her to explain to him, not me.
He said that she never said anything about us and that they talked all night and she never…I made a move for the stairs, trying to get free and not give away anything she wasn’t ready for others to know, but he yelled, ‘stop!’ and grabbed both my arms, only harder now so that it hurt a little.
He asked point blank, if she was in love with me, demanding to be told the truth, if she was. Part of me wished I could say, ‘yes, you hurt her so badly when you left, now she’s with me, why don’t you just leave!’ But I couldn’t scream that even if I wanted to, I still don’t even know if it would have been true if he hadn’t come back and now it doesn’t matter. She’ll choose him, her first real love, and whatever we might have been able to develop will be irrelevant.
He backed off and let go of me, and started breathing heavily. There was a strange wet, almost crackling, sound and his hand changed, it became hairier, longer and clawed. I looked up at him and his eyes were full black and his teeth already starting to lengthen.
In a deeper, coarse voice he told me to run.
Who would have thought that something good would have come from that foul creature of Jonathan’s? Fortunately, having faced it and survived I wasn’t frozen with terror while Oz changed and didn’t hesitate but took off down the hallway towards the lecture hall. I knew I couldn’t cast a spell in my current mindset, my thoughts were way too scattered and unfocused, so I just hoped that I’d find a closet or someplace to hide again.
There was more wet snapping and then I could hear claws scrabbling on the tiles as he started chasing me. I looked back as I got to an empty lecture hall and sure enough a dog-like wolf creature was pursuing me in an ungainly quadruped lope that was faster than it looked.
I bounded up the stairs and towards the door to the slide and film projector storage room at the back of the rows of seats while he pursued along the wall. I slammed into the door trying to get it to open, but it was locked, I couldn’t get it to budge, and I was in no state to carefully telekinesis it open.
He came down one of the aisles towards me, and I froze for a second as he slid to a stop and looked towards me, nothing but bestial anger and hunger in his savage features.
I darted back down to the main floor and the Oz-wolf went back towards the wall. For a second I thought I might actually be able to get away, and then he leapt all the way down just before I could get out of the room, almost landing on me.
Now I was really scared and screamed and hastily backed off. At the time I wasn’t thinking clearly, I was just reacting on instinct, trying to survive, not thinking about how overmatched I was, how much my broken heart hurt.
Goddess, why didn’t I just let him kill me? Why didn’t I just let those fangs tear into my skin, rip chunks of flesh from my body? His snout could have torn into my stomach, greedily devoured all that was inside and it still would have hurt less than knowing that he was back to stay for good, that I was losing my Willow forever.
It would have been a sweet release from the misery and pain of living without her in my life to see his muzzle rise up with my blood running down his teeth, for things to go black as he dug further in the remains of my chest to devour my heart, a feast that probably would have left a sour taste in his mouth. Oh, Mother, I finally could have been with you again, would that have been so bad? Why was I so stupid and fighting to survive so much? What’s one less demon in the world?
But I didn’t give up. Maybe I just didn’t think of it, maybe I was just too scared and didn’t want any more pain. I guess I was just reacting and maybe at some basic level I knew it would be wrong to commit suicide, no matter how unlikely the means. Perhaps Father’s religious nature and lectures weren’t a total waste after all. Or my evil heritage wouldn’t let the suffering end so easily.
Whatever the case I desperately grabbed whatever was nearby and threw a plastic chair at the Oz-wolf. I t struck him as he leapt and he landed on the ground. I was shocked to see that he didn’t rise and just stood there breathing hard confused and afraid that it was some ruse.
A moment later I noticed the dart in his side and Riley came in placing some sort of pistol back in a holster under his arm. A few other guys were with him, presumably commando types from the Initiative. A bald black man inquired if I was ok and I tried to ask what was going on, but he just replied that they’d take it from here.
One of the others said it looked like something that attacked another of their group while they put the Oz-wolf in some sort of bag and zipped it up. Riley stated they’d take it back to the lab, make an ID and if it was, would put him down. Did that mean they were going to kill Oz? They wouldn’t do that would they?
Riley was one of the good guys, he’d never kill someone like that, would he? And what would that do to her? Yeah, it might clear the way for me, but she’d be devastated and I couldn’t bear the thought of her suffering any more. Certainly not when I could help prevent it.
I tried to tell him that they didn’t understand, that that was a boy, Oz, who they knew. But the bald guy just cut me off, put his hands on my arms and tried to settle me down. He said to listen, that they knew what they were doing and that I was in shock. I was shaking and could barely stand and tried to object but he said they’d handle it and everything was happening so quickly and I felt faint and sick and couldn’t get the picture of her crying and distraught over his loss from my mind.
Before I knew it they were gone, carrying Oz off in the bag and I was left alone, confused, shaken and unsure what to do next. I mean, I could’ve just gone back to my room and let things happen. Let the Initiative do whatever it is they do with monsters, but how could I live with myself then?
It could have been me they took instead, another demon captured and the world made that much safer. Maybe that would be better, be the subject of whatever experiments or captivity they institute. No chance of ever seeing her again, no false hopes or ‘what ifs.’
I shook off my melancholy and knew that I had to go tell her. This was her love who was in danger and I wouldn’t, couldn’t, cause her any more sorrow or grief. No matter how much it hurt, I had to go find her and see that they helped Oz before something bad happened to him.
I headed over to the library as fast as I could, my mind made up though his voice saying he was highly motivated to stay still echoed in my head. This was it, this really was the end. After this she’d be more caring and watchful over him, stay with him as much as possible, sort of like she had with me after the night in the closest. She has a protective streak that’s very strong even if she doesn’t let it show that often. I hadn’t let Oz kill me, but now I was going to commit emotional suicide. It almost brought me up short, but the thought of her reaction to his death kept me going.
I practically ran up the front steps to the library and moved quickly inside. She was in there somewhere and I went from section to section looking for her. I finally spied her sitting at a table with several others, it looked like they were researching at the moment. She had obviously changed and showered, she was now wearing a dark pink long sleeve top and a different necklace along with grey slacks. She actually didn’t seem to be reading so much as just resting her head above the book, but she saw me as I came in and got up and came over.
I stopped and it was like everything moved in slow motion. She rose up in a halo of delicate short red hair that floated about her head. Her brilliant green eyes shone with concern and interest and I had to bite my tongue again. She strode towards me like a vision of all that is beautiful and desirable in this world. So smart, confident and caring. My teeth clenched harder and I almost shook as I watched her arms swing, her legs move, her small breasts rise and fall as she approached. I don’t know if I’ll ever forget the moment as she came to me, maybe for one of the last times, friends or not.
She asked what was up and if I was OK in that worried voice of hers, like she already knew something was wrong. Oh Goddess, what would it have been like if we’d been able to stay together? How close would we have become, how deep did the link between us really go? I guess that just doesn’t matter now.
I hastily told her that Oz and I were talking and that he changed, right in front of me. She looked confused and objected that it was daylight and I told her I knew that, but it happened anyway. She got her really worried face and said, ‘Oh my god, are you all right?’ It was so good to hear her concern directed towards me, but I went on saying that I was fine; that Riley and the commando guys stopped him, but that they didn’t know it was Oz, I tried to tell them but they wouldn’t listen, they took him away.
Now she was verging on total frenzied-worry mode and she asked when, just now? I nodded and added that I thought they might hurt him, remembering what Riley said about putting him down. She was definitely upset and fearful for her friend and said she had to go, she had to find Buffy and I responded that I knew.
She turned and ran back towards her books while I silently watched.
So this is how it ends. Her running off to save her love, all other thoughts driven from her head. I watched her go, the way her rear and legs moved so effortlessly, so lovely and now completely out of my reach. Goddess how much I wanted her in my bed, and yet I wished her speed and luck as she gathered her possessions and exited in the other direction. I said a silent prayer to the Goddess asking for protection and guidance for this woman who needed her blessing, that she’d save her boyfriend before it was too late, avoid any added misery which had already fallen too heavily in her life.
I finally turned and headed back to my room feeling completely dejected and like I was walking to my own funeral. Oh Mother, why didn’t I let Oz devour me? What’s left for me now? Endless years of emptiness, despair and ‘what could have been.’ Is that my ultimate punishment, to see a chance for something so rare and exquisite yet to have it pulled away from me before it could be fully experienced?
Love isn’t beautiful and happy like Aphrodite on Xena, its cold and cruel, a harsh force that twists and pulls our souls to the breaking point and then gives that one final tug beyond.
Great, now the lights have gone out. I can barely see my journal, but what difference does it make? I cried again when I got back, of course. That seems to be all I’m good for lately. Blubbering, sobbing, wailing like a forlorn lost soul. My head throbs, my eyes ache, my nose is still running and it’s like there’s a gaping hole in my chest, as if the werewolf had reached in and grabbed my heart, not to tear loose but to squeeze and squeeze.
I don’t think there’s any point in continuing this journal now.
Goodbye, Willow, I loved you from the first moment I saw you.
Continued immediately below...