OK, note the increased rating to R.
RockToddy, glad to provide you with a little cheer. Hope this doesn't disappoint.
Well, it's the longest part yet, I think I got carried away a bit. It's probably in three segments below. I certainly hope this works.
Title: From the journal of Tara McClay Pt. 8 (A, B, C)
Rating: R
Summary: The events during Who Are You in Season 4.
Note: Written December 2003. The entries are no longer consecutive days, some gaps appear. I have also speculated about the exact time that passes once Willow and Tara get together to hunt Faith and the events of Who Are You begin. It’s a bit unclear exactly how much time passes, I may be adding in an extra day, possibly not, but I feel this works.       
                                WHO ARE YOU
Saturday Morning: I never want to get up. I just want to lie in bed with Willowy warmness all around me forever. Now that is a sigh-worthy thought, but of course the opportunity is long past.
        She came back last night and looked as delectable as I feared, hoped, she would. Her hair is so attractive, shimmering cascades of red locks cut short enough to frame her head but not too long. So soft and fun to stroke, bury your head in. She must think I’m really weird, have some strange hair fetish, but the truth is that’s the safest part of her to fixate on. Anything more and the surge of need and burning within me starts to get unbearable.
        She did look so cute in my old shorts and shirt, they hung from her loosely and I think if she had moved around too quickly the pants would have fallen down. I should’ve hit her with a pillow and started a pillow fight. Rats, you always think of these things after the fact.
        Goddess, I can’t remember being this happy, feeling this silly and giddy, in a long, long time. My breath might have caught a bit too loudly when she had shut the door and she blushed a very amusing and fetching deep red. I smiled and asked her if a vampire had gotten half her fluids on the way back.
        She beamed back and laughed and we just sort of stood there looking at each other, still grinning, still awkward and unsure what to do next.
        Finally I stuttered out if she had a side of the bed she preferred. I mean, last time we just sort of collapsed so that didn’t count. She seemed pretty nervous and said she kind of leaned towards the left hand side, if that wasn’t the one I wanted. Since I like to sleep on my left side that was fine by me and I said so. We giggled a little nervously and went to switch sides because you never end up in the right spot by chance.
        Or maybe you do, we brushed as we passed and it was like a pleasant electrical shock of excitement as our arms touched. We climbed in and I realized how small the bed really was. It’s a good thing we’re both not too big or we wouldn’t have fit at all. As it was we were right on top of each other immediately, that exciting tingle coming from all up and down my front and seeming to send all coherent thoughts away already. She’s so soft and warm and the way it feels when her muscles contract and slide while I’m pressed against her is the most exquisite thing I’ve ever felt. Her breath came in little rushes and I realized I better breathe myself or I’d pass out.
        She likes to lay on her back, so I sort of wormed my way up against her side and put my head on her shoulder by her neck and closed my eyes. I…I couldn’t keep them open with her that close, her angelic face just inches from mine, those soft red lips and her cute little nose so near and begging to be kissed and licked. My heart was racing, the arousal was so much more than a dull burning, almost a raging inferno of desire and need. Her legs shifted and it sent jolts through me that made me shudder.
        Our hands found each other on her belly and we spent the next hour or so just sort of talking softly about late night bed things; silly things we’d seen that day like an old lady with a giant German Shepard pulling her along, pets we’d had like Miss Whiskers, how Willow wasn’t allowed fish for a long time because of an accident with the bowl, the first book we remembered reading, that sort of thing. And all the while we sort of giggled, and our fingers stroked each other’s palms, hands, arms.
        Oh Goddess it was a dream come true. As it got later and we got sleepier she leaned her head closer to mine. I wanted to kiss her so badly. With my arm around her midrift, her hand gently on my shoulder I realized that she really had become my Willow. Well, sort of at least. I still wasn’t, and am not, entirely positive what she feels for sure. I don’t know if she’s falling in love or what, but it didn’t matter then. She was in my arms, I was in hers. Nothing evil or demonic could ruin that.
        I leaned forward a little and ever so softly brushed her delicate cheek with my lips. She let out this little sigh or moan, snuggled into me a bit more sending additional delicious shivers through me, and then turned her head and lightly kissed me back. Our breaths lazily joined for a moment and then she turned onto her side and spooned back into me, pulling my arm tight around her, placing my head directly behind hers.
        The smell of her came so strongly, intoxicatingly, as I breathed in. Her hair was soft and feathery and sort of tickled here and there. How my racing heart didn’t burst or fully wake her I’ll never know though I wonder if hers normally goes as fast as I felt?
        I placed one last kiss on her neck below her ear and as she fully settled back against me I just let myself drift into a land where nothing else existed but her and me. Willow-warmth kept the darkness within me at bay, and fiery red locks scented the air keeping all evil thoughts away. I hope she didn’t notice how moist her hair or the pillow had become.
        When I woke this morning she had rolled onto her back again and I was almost atop of her. My head was pillowed on one small mound of her chest while our legs were entangled with one of mine between both of hers. My right arm was wrapped around her, clutching her to me as if unconsciously I was afraid that somehow she’d leave during the night, maybe turn to vapor and drift away as all dreams eventually do. Her arms were around my shoulders in an embrace almost as tight as mine.
        I think one of my thighs was sort of stiff and cramped, but I didn’t care. Goddess, to be able to wake this way every morning. Mother is this really happening to me? Can such glimpses of joy and heaven be allowed for me?
        I certainly wasn’t going to end the moment by “waking up,” that’s for certain, so I just lay there and felt the rise and fall of her chest, listened to the sound of her breath. After a little while I realized that she was awake, too. Also just laying there. I must have smiled and she must have felt it because all of sudden we both started giggling, my head sort of bouncing up and down.
        We stretched and turned and disentangled ourselves, stiff muscles complaining but love smitten brains not acknowledging them.
        She said good morning with a small smile and that fantastic strange look in her eyes and all I could do was smile back and try not to tear up. She hadn’t evaporated into the night after all.
        She sensed something and asked, ‘Watchya thinking?’
        I wanted to tell her then how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how she was the answer to every dream I’d ever had, but I couldn’t find the voice or courage for such words. Fear of ruining everything, lingering doubts, kept me quiet.
        Instead I finally said that I was thinking how nice it was to wake up with her here, that I was glad she had spent the night. She smiled more fully and stroked my cheek with her hand. Goddess I would have done anything she asked of me then, anything.
        I closed my eyes to keep from crying, letting her see what a big baby I am, and instead took her fingers in my hand and kissed each of them. We sat there on the bed just a short ways apart a little while longer and when it was finally safe to open my eyes I saw her bright green eyes looking at me as if examining or exploring my face. It…it made me feel happy and shy and awkward to see that stare, be the subject of that intense gaze. I’m sure I blushed and tried to duck my head but her hand prevented me.
        She said, ‘Don’t ever be ashamed of how you look, not with me. You’re…I think you’re very beautiful.’
        I closed my eyes as her hand continued its exploration, gentle fingertips caressing the line of my jaw, the area around my ear which made me quiver again. It was the most sensual thing I’ve ever felt. I know a tear wound its way down my cheek, only to be intercepted by her fingers, and then her lips were pressed to my cheek, to my eyelids.
        I’m sure I sighed and held her to me for a moment, and then there was a loud gurguling and rumble from her belly that started us both laughing, especially when my stomach answered hers with a similar sentiment.
        What might have happened if we hadn’t been so obviously starving I don’t know. The clock read 10:08 so it was rather late in the morning and though neither of us had anything in particular to do, we both decided that it was time to get up and get going.
        She’s doing her morning activities in the bathroom down the hall and then we’re going to chance going by her dorm so she can get a change of clothes. After getting something to eat, that is. I think the ritual hiding will continue today so maybe we’ll try a few more spells. Something along the lines of divination might be fun and useful though I’ve never had a lot of success with that. Maybe because I’ve never had much hope that the future could be bright. Until now.
Saturday Evening: She’s gone again, left to check with her friends on the Faith situation, get an update, possibly put herself in danger. I never thought about what a cop’s wife, or husband I suppose, must go through day in day out. To have the person you love only for little snippets of time, in between the threats of harm that make up their normal day, always wondering what they’re doing, if its hazardous or just routine, if a call will come with bad news, yet always knowing there’s nothing you can do to help. Do they jump whenever the phone rings? Course if something happened to Willow now how would I ever find out? Who’d know to call me? I can’t let myself think like that. She’ll return to me, she has to. What would I do without her? Goddess, she’s so much a part of my life, so much a part of me. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to her.
        But then it’s not like I can’t do anything to help her. I’ve given her the most powerful protection charm I’ve ever created. I could do other magic, too. A simple locator spell and we could pinpoint this Faith’s position pretty easily, send Buffy to go get her. At least that would end the waiting which was eating at my poor Willow all day.
        It was a glorious day, all considered. Another one I’ll never forget, but then all the ones with her are unforgettable. She makes them unforgettable. Even just going downstairs to the cafeteria and having bagels and cereal is special, memorable, extraordinary, because we’re doing it together, sort of like a couple.
Goddess, is that really the case? Is she my girlfriend now? Am I hers? How does she think of me?
        I don’t suppose labels really matter right now. I spend as much time with her as she lets me, bask in her Willowness, wish I could be touching her more, feeling every part of her, and then drink in the sight of her, melt under that brilliant smile and that odd look she seems to reserve just for me. Mother this is so overwhelming, how do I keep from bursting?
        And it was only a fairly ordinary day too. We talked a bit about our classes over breakfast, which professor we liked, how fair the graders were, which class we were surprised to like. I told her I found literature, from all periods, fascinating as it shows that really, at our core, we all have the same concerns and fears. It might be expressed differently, but the themes are much the same. And yet I do like the different forms of expression. The beauty in the written word where there’s no false steps.
        Of course she’s eating up her computer programming class, is impatient that things are going so slow, wants to move on to harder problems. She’s loving physics and disliking biology, the latter not being quite what, theoretical enough for her? Too messy maybe? To me at least it seems more grounded in reality, but it does have a big ick factor, I’ll have to admit. We shared a laugh over that.
        Just sitting with her, talking, comes so easily. The pauses and occasional silences are never awkward. They just give time to truly see her, remind me how lucky I am to be with her. Can normal everyday things really hold so much?
        After we ate we went back to her dorm, looking about carefully for any sign of Faith. It was like we were in some old black and white film looking for Nazi spies or something. They could be skulking anywhere, ready to leap out and cause mayhem. I know this is serious, but it was kinda silly and surreal at the same time.
        I waited in the dorm lounge, on watch in case the evil slayer came by while Willow went up and quickly changed. When she returned I had to smile, she looked so good in a dark blue throw over blouse and black jeans. I wanted to run up to her and kiss her right there, but restrained myself. I’m pretty good at that, but it’s getting harder. Every part of her screams for me to come and devour her with my passion.
        We headed back to my place, but on the way decided to get a veggie pizza for later rather than eating in the cafeteria again. We also got a couple videos from her list to watch. Like I said, it was a normal regular person sort of Saturday afternoon.
        We watched the videos, which were cool, and talked about them a little bit. How they relate to similar themes in various books, whether it is easier or harder to discern the maker’s intent compared to the written word. It was fun and interesting.
She also told me more about her friends and some of what they’ve been through. How Anya was originally this vengeance demon who came to Sunnydale to grant Cordelia’s wish for vengeance, but that her powers had been stripped from her and now she was human and mortal.
        I could tell she didn’t especially like Anya for some reason. She did say that at one point Anya had brought a vampiric version of herself over from an alternate version and that that had been freaky. She had dressed all in leather like a dominatrix or something and was skankier than Faith even. Here she got a very odd look, sort of a cross between thoughtful and unsettled. I pressed her asking what was wrong, did her vampire self do something awful?
        She looked at me and said the other her had been…kinda gay and come on to her. It was a very strange experience and definitely oooky being licked on the neck by your demonic alter ego. I didn’t say anything as she was definitely lost in both the memory and contemplating what she had said. Was she suddenly scared by the implication that here she was with me, doing gay things? Could she handle the connection or was she just convincing herself that she wasn’t gay but just playing around, seeing what it was like?
        Goddess why is this so hard? I love her, shouldn’t that be all that matters? Why must things be so difficult? I know that since I can read auras I can sort of tell what people are feeling on the surface, but I’ve had so little direct experience with others, with what they are feeling deep inside or really thinking. I’m just no good at reading someone. I know she likes me, right? I mean she wouldn’t have kissed me otherwise right? She said she liked me as more than a friend. Why am I so filled with doubts? No, I know that; it’s because it’s me she’s with. I can’t believe she said I was beautiful.
        I stayed silent while she considered for a little bit and then asked about my family, if they knew I liked girls. I almost had to laugh at that, my dad would freak, wig, flip or all three. I’d be in so much trouble, though there’s nothing I can do about the way I am. It’s not like I made a choice or anything.
I said that my Father didn’t know, that he was very strict and pretty conservative and would probably not understand, try and change things somehow, punish me. I was going to leave it there but I didn’t want to scare her, make her think her parents would automatically hate her if she did end up telling them so I explained that my mom knew, that I had told her in high school and that she’d been very supportive, but that she had gotten sick and died.
I must have sighed or looked sad because she put her hand on my knee and took my hand and said she was sorry that I had lost her. She must have been very special and important to me. I gave her a half smile and just nodded. It’s been more than a year but I miss Mother a lot. Especially now when I could use her advice and comfort.
To cover the one awkward silence we did have and to take my mind off things I asked about her family. Did they know about Buffy and the slaying? Her witchcraft? She laughed and said that people in Sunnydale have a way of not remembering certain things, like that their daughters fought evil or practiced magic. She went on to say that her parents were nice and all, but that they were very busy, absorbed in their own careers and lives and didn’t have much time for her, which is so sad, but perhaps better than too much attention.
As she said it I could sense a tinge of regret and bitterness behind her airy words. She tried to make light of it, but I think it’s still a sore point with her. It’s funny that even in our family relations we’re similar, both alone, if for different reasons.
Then she continued relating how her mom had almost killed her once, burned her and Buffy and another girl at the stake with a bunch of Mr. Giles books for kindling. I was shocked and dumbfounded and it must have shown for she rushed to add that a demon had been influencing most of the adults in town, one that is the roots for the Hansel and Gretel fairy tale and that Mr. Giles had saved them by breaking its spell and revealing its true form. She said it even ended sort of in a humorous manner in that after Buffy killed the demon, Oz and Xander had fallen through the ceiling in their belated attempt to rescue them.
And I thought my family life was bad. At least no one ever tried to kill me though perhaps that might have been easier to deal with. She’s so strong, so…what? Capable, independent, brave? How could anyone help but love her?
She went on to tell me more about Faith; how she had killed the mayor’s assistant even though he was human, how she was ready, eager even, to have Angelus torture Buffy. This had been while trying to corrupt Angel and turn him back into Angelus, though he and Buffy had planned it all along to get Faith to reveal the mayor’s plans. How she poisoned Angel and only a Slayer’s blood could cure him. She certainly sounds like a very dangerous and unstable person.
By that time it was late, the sun had just set and our pizza was cold. I figured a little home and hearth style magic would fix that and showed her how together we could carefully reheat it. I know, I just wanted to hold her hands again, but it was a nice little exercise of control and I never get over feeling our energies mix. She gets so excited anytime we try a new spell. An eager smile and gleam to her eye lights up her face; she’s so enthusiastic. How could I miss an opportunity to see her like that?
Afterwards we sat on the bed and she fretted a bit over what was going on. I did bring up the locator spell then, but she thought with Faith’s Slayer abilities and supernatural awareness that might either not work right or somehow she’d notice. It’s not like her to be so hesitant and I could tell that she was worried and her aura had a tinge of fear to it.
Instead I suggested a little divination, some tarot reading and that seemed to intrigue her. I told her it wasn’t as reliable or even exactly the same as witchcraft magic, but sometimes you could learn something.
I sat crosslegged near the foot of the bed and she sat opposite me near the top as I had her shuffle the cards and then did a spread for her. I prefer to do general readings rather than ask specific questions, I find that gives a better feel for a person’s current situation and future.
As I spread out the cards it was actually more unsettling than I would have thought. The High Priest and the Tower figured in her distant and recent past which can be read as not a good sign and the Death card was revealed for her future influence.
This sort of scared me and I was a little hesitant to turn over the final four cards. The Chariot represented her and the Lovers her inner emotions. The last card revealed, her ultimate destiny, was the Star. I quickly interpreted this as her life has gone through a fairly recent calamity and that change and new things were coming that would involve something she would find very important to her. The Chariot’s influence showed that she was in a position of adversity and trouble but also either under someone’s protection, or protecting someone else. The Star was favorable and showed that there was hope, prospects for success and optimism. Either way it was a good sign that her Scooby activities were being helpful.
But Goddess, I could have read the cards so much differently with the two of us in mind. And it would still have been a very favorable outcome, satisfaction, pleasure, the balancing of love and expression. It really was unnerving.
I told her the cards didn’t always foretell the truth and that how you read them was a big part of the process, but at least I didn’t see any sign of Faith, which probably was another good omen.
She flumped back while I reshuffled and lay there on my bed, amongst the pillows, so cute and worried. I wanted nothing but to crawl over beside her and tell her everything would be all right, instead I just sort of randomly flipped cards and continued shuffling. She told me a bit more about Bufy and Faith’s previous fights, how closely matched they were, but that when Angel’s life had been at stake Buffy had beaten her.
She wished that Faith would make a move already, all the worry was making her stomach acidy. I asked if she thought Buffy could beat her and she sat up facing me and said yeah, but that didn’t mean Faith wouldn’t hurt someone else, and her concern was obvious.
I said that she was safe here because no one knew she’d be here. And then I continued on, I don’t know why. Maybe after her having talked about all her adventures with her other friends I was feeling a little jealous of this whole other life she had, with people that I’d never seen who were so obviously important to her. Or maybe I was just being selfish, wanting even more of here, to be a part of all aspects of her life. We were sharing so much and I didn’t mean to be snippy gal but perhaps I was feeling a bit…closeted?
Before I could really think about it I said that no one knew I even existed, that I had heard all about her Scooby friends but they didn’t even know about me.
She placed her hand on my knee for a moment and had a sort of hurt and concerned look.
I rushed to tell her it was all right, they didn’t need to know about me, it might even be better that they didn’t. After all, I never fit in with others. I don’t know what to say, don’t know how to act. They’ve done so much together why would they ever accept someone as useless as me into their group? Willow will be twice the witch I ever will.
But Goddess bless her she looked me in the eyes and she said that it wasn’t like she didn’t want her friends to know me, it was just that Buffy was her best friend and the group concentrated on the slaying and she did want them to meet me, but she just liked having something that was hers.
She said it with such heartfelt need that for a moment it took me aback. I mean I just assumed she shared everything with her other friends, that they were so close and supportive, but then I remembered how upset she’d been when Oz left, how it seemed like she had no one to talk to about it. Did she feel lost in the group, not a vital part of it? Had Faith’s return brought back worries that she wasn’t needed? How could she not be important to them? But then with Buffy having a new boyfriend and Xander, Anya, she might be feeling left out? I never realized that she might have so many doubts and fears of her own. She always seems so strong, confident, brave. Things I could never be. Yet I could tell that what I thought meant a lot to her. For once I almost felt like she needed me as much as I needed her.
I told her I got what she meant, and I wanted to reassure her so badly, tell her how important she was to me, how much I loved her, say those words, ‘I love you,’ to her, my Willow.
I really wanted to, but they wouldn’t come. Maybe the time wasn’t right. Maybe I was just a big chicken, still afraid that she’d be scared off, that maybe I was nothing but a distraction from her problems with the others.
But I had to say something, give her some indication of how important I found her. So instead as she got up to go to the phone I told her that I was hers.
I am. She owns my heart, my soul, any part of me she wants and more. She’s the most fantastic thing that’s ever happened to me. Whatever she needs from me I’ll give her without question.
A slow smile spread over her face and she gave me that funny look and I knew then that she got it. I may not have been able to say the words out loud, but she knew what I meant and I could tell it made her feel better, feel wanted and special. She didn’t recoil or turn away from me and I can’t recall being so content, almost fulfilled. I wanted nothing more than to spend the next hour or so kissing and touching her, showing her how much I cared, but Faith was still loose and she really did need to find out what was going on with the others.
So she checked in with Mr. Giles. They were having a Scooby meeting at his place to discuss the Faith situation and decide on what more they could do.
I understood and though I was sad that she had to go, I just hoped she’d be back before too long. I didn’t say anything, but I did get up and took her in my arms, kissed her with all the passion I could, letting her know I’d be waiting for her, that I’d always be waiting for her. It was a most spectacular end to a mundane day that was anything but. I can’t wait for her to return, to see her again, hear her voice, watch that fabulous smile slowly build on her luscious and perfect lips. I don’t know how long it’ll be ‘til I see her. Probably not till tomorrow sometime. Oh Goddess please let the time pass quickly, don’t let anything happen to my Willow. I need her too much.
Saturday Night: She asked me out! On a date! Well, she didn’t call it that but that’s what it is. She wants to take me to some place called the Bronze to celebrate Faith being captured and sent to Watcher’s Council in England.
        What am I gonna wear? What are we supposed to do in this place? How should I act around her? It didn’t sound like her friends will be there, but still, it is out in public and everything.
        She said it’s a nightclub sort of place right, does that mean dancing? That would be so cool, I’d love to dance with her. No, I can’t do that, I’d look like a big cow, stomping around and probably stepping on her feet. Oh, but I want to slow dance with her, feel her press against me and moving to the music. Would that make her feel uncomfortable? Will she even want to dance or maybe just listen to the music? Is there a band maybe? That could be cool, too.
        I have to find my earrings and that necklace with the three crystals set in silver, Mother always liked that one. Should I wear a skirt or pants, a skirt I think, don’t want to seem too butch or anything, right? I’ve got this cool sort of sheer black sweater that goes over a red top that would be neat. If I wear that it will sort of compliment her hair, I like that idea. Sort of show I’m hers. Or is that too much? Maybe I should wear something more plain? Oh, how much makeup should I use? She normally doesn’t wear much or any, and I certainly don’t bother, but maybe now I should? No, I think the earrings and necklace will be fine.
        Oh Goddess, I am such a mess. My first semi-official date with Willow and I can’t decide on anything. I want this to be perfect. She’s been through so much lately, I want her to have a good time, relax and release all her worries and fears. Please don’t let me mess this up like I do everything else. I know, I should wear that charm bracelet, it’s supposed to be lucky.
Continued immediately below...