This one is a bit longer than the previous ones. Hopefully it is not too boring or anything like that. There is a pretty big revelation in this one. Things should start getting back into more familiar territory now.
Title: From the journal of Tara McClay Pt. 4
Rating: PG
Summary: The events before and during A New Man in Season 4.
Note: Written November 2003. The entries are no longer consecutive days, some gaps appear.
                                        A NEW MAN
Thursday Evening: Back in Sunnydale, finally. What a “vacation.” I didn’t bring my journal home with me for fear that Father, or more likely Donny, would get into it and read what I’ve written. That would have been very bad all around. So, let’s see if I can recall any of the significant points from the last three weeks.
        I missed Willow terribly. A sour sort of feeling always seemed to be in the pit of my stomach, and I was so anxious to get back. I dreamed about her several times. Nothing particularly clear or distinct, as if even my dreams were afraid that they’d give me away if they were too precise or easily recalled. Of course Father noticed something was wrong by the second day, but I told him I wasn’t feeling good and that finals had been particularly difficult and taxing. I also mentioned that there was a flu bug going around as well. All true as far as it goes so nothing really came of it. Actually it did help keep Donny away. He has a new girlfriend named Jenny or Jennifer or something like that and so he didn’t want to catch anything. Lucky me.
        I cooked, cleaned, washed, did the shopping, all the normal activities before I left. Cousin Beth stopped by a couple times to help out a bit when I needed to go to the store. She couldn’t believe I was still going back to school when it was obvious that so much needed to be done for Father and Donny back home. She thinks I’m being selfish and pig headed and said as much. Is she right? There were an awful lot of chores and things to do when I was home, which was a small blessing as it kept me busy enough that the time passed much quicker than I would have thought.
No, I can’t stay back home. Besides the obvious fact that Willow isn’t there and that it would either drive me insane or crush me to never see her again with everything still so uncertain, I really don’t believe I belong there. It’s so stifling, narrow minded and I’m always afraid. Afraid that I’ll make Donny mad, disappoint Father, do something klutzy and need to be punished. And it is so hard to practice the Craft there. Constantly having to be furtive and on guard, always fearful that someone will notice. What sort of celebration of the Goddess and God can go on under such circumstances? Nothing like the solstice one Willow and I performed, that’s for sure. Despite the memories it brought forward I’ve never felt so free, at ease and uninhibited. It felt natural and joyous. Even with Mother back home that was never true. I can’t give that up, I won’t.
We went to church for Christmas Eve as always. Father lectured me about the dangers of the university, using magic and how my evil side would grow from them if I was not careful. He asked if I was practicing and I said just a bit, he would have known if I was lying completely. He didn’t get as mad as I expected. He did send me to bed with no dinner, but mostly stressed how yielding to temptation encourages evil acts and can accelerate the growth of my demonic side. He described how dangerous that was for Mother at my age and how her father had to be firm with her and almost took drastic actions to contain it. He said it was not just myself, but those around me, family or friends, that can be put in danger. Not just from me either, but from the evil I might attract by my actions. He said that magic has a way of drawing evil creatures to it, brings unwanted attention and bad luck. If I cared nothing for myself, I should at least think of those around me who deserve better.
Goddess what if he’s right? I mean I’m on a Hellmouth, could there be a more dangerous place to practice magic? It does give off an evil aura that permeates Sunnydale, influences all that occurs there. Why did I have to get the best scholarship deal from UCSD? Was it coincidence or did cosmic forces align so that my evil, demonic side would be cultivated there? Am I just one more dark creature amidst a hive of darkness?
Maybe if I hadn’t met Willow I might have believed it was true. All the “neck ruptures” and other strange deaths in Sunnydale, the Hellmouth, unusual occurrences. Maybe that would have been proof that I either belonged with evil or back home where it could be controlled. But not now. Not after having felt Willow’s spirit, seen her aura. She is not evil, not even a little bit. She’s so inquisitive, open and trusting, close to innocence and her magic, her spirit, has no evil in it whatsoever. I’ve felt it and I’d know, I’m positive. If such a person can stand to be around me maybe Father is wrong and the magic isn’t evil. Maybe my demon side is not as big as he thinks. I have to believe that, I love Willow so much, I need to be with her. The ache from being away these last three weeks was almost more than I could bear. At night when I lay in bed I longed to have her arms back around me, to hear her voice soothing me.
        I kept imagining what it would be like to actually have Willow as a girlfriend, to have her want me to be with her and never have to come back home again. What would it be like for those green eyes to be filled with anticipation and joy just to see me?
I’ll probably never know. Whatever boyfriend she has doubtless kept her company and made her feel loved and wanted. At least I was able to get Mother’s last few spellbooks and bring them back with me. Maybe she’ll find something interesting in them and want to keep meeting with me.
        I can’t wait to see her again. I wonder if she’s back in her room yet? This is the first day the dorms opened. Should I call her and let her know I’m back? Would that be too forward? She lives here in Sunnydale so she might not be in until Sunday, spend as much time with her family as possible? Maybe if I eat at the Stevenson cafeteria tonight I’ll run into her? Or would that be too obvious? Now that I’m back I just don’t know what to do.
Saturday Afternoon: She called! It worked. The one thing I allowed myself was to buy an answering machine so I wouldn’t miss any messages from Willow. Father would never approve, call it a frivolous expense, but it’s paid off already. And now I have her voice on the tape and can hear it anytime. I love the way she says my name, it doesn’t sound ugly or like a curse at all. And she wants to get together tonight. I even called her back and everything is set! I don’t know what I’ll wear, but I can’t wait to see her.
Sunday Morning: I’m continuously amazed at how well we get along. I mean we ended up talking, practicing telekinesis a bit, just hanging out till about one am. I felt like I was floating through a dream, I was so happy. She seemed glad to see me and asked how my trip back home was, a little about my family. I have to admit I was pretty vague and not big with the details. But she didn’t press and actually, now that I think about it, was not too specific about her own break or family. Maybe that’s another thing we have in common, a family that we’d rather not think about too much. I got the feeling that hers was not around much and that her friends are more of a family then her blood relations. I think I could handle that pretty well, it’d certainly be preferable to my situation. Still, she didn’t say it directly, but I could tell something bothered her, that she was kinda sad and down. Her aura had a tinge to it that I haven’t seen before so maybe the holiday was harder on her than she’ll admit.
I wish there was something I could do to help her, make her feel better. We practiced floating pencils and books and other objects. First alone and then together. We certainly can move much heavier objects with our combined talents; it’s so cool. Well, I suppose that’s because we have to touch or hold hands to do it and I never tire of that. Not to mention the charge of energy and excitement that passes through me when we do, the sense of her being a part of me is magnified a hundredfold. It always makes me feel like I could leap tall buildings, I hope it helps her too. At least by the end of the night I noticed that her aura seemed more radiant. Wouldn’t it be great if she actually started to have feelings for me too?
No, I can’t allow myself to think like that. Can’t build up my hopes. When I’m with her it’s just that I want to touch her repeatedly. The space around her seems to call to me. I look at her and all I can think about is the desire to put my hand on her arm, to feel her hair in my fingers, put my arm around her back. I know, it’s an invasion of her personnel space, but it’s like her body calls to me, beckons me forward to brazen acts.
I can’t give in, of course. That would be so wrong. I don’t know if she’s gay, if she feels the same way at all, if it would offend her. I can’t risk the chance of driving her away, not when I’ve just found her, am just discovering so many things about my wonderful Willow.
But it’s hard. At night I sometimes feel like it would be all right to give in, to touch her now or again, to maybe even tell her how much I like her, lover her. At night everything seems possible, the darkness hides my demon side, I don’t feel so evil or plain. I can imagine her actually liking me, maybe falling in love with me.
But in the morning when the sun returns and dreams are over I know that none of that will ever happen. It’s all a fantasy I’m building up around this beautiful, sweet, smart and kind girl who has no reason in the world to ever have any feelings towards me. I should just be satisfied that she’s willing to talk to me, treats me like a friend.
Damn it, why am I so confused? I love her, I know I do, so why does it hurt so much? What’s wrong with me? Is Father right? Is my demon side so strong that love has to be painful for me? I wish she were back here, with me now. When we’re together nothing else seems to matter. I can focus on her, on the magic and our connection. She smiles at me and says kind things every now and then. Like last night she was impressed with Mother’s spellbooks and said I must know so much about witchcraft, be so much further than she was. She seemed genuinely happy and said she was so glad that we met.
And without the magic, would there be anything that would bring us together? She’s way smarter than me, a wiz at computers and math stuff, things I’m barely able to understand. She talks about them sometimes and I pay attention; listen and try and comprehend what she’s saying, but, well, it really is beyond me.
Still, it’s just nice to hear the excitement in her voice and that hungry look on her face, the one she gets when she’s fascinated by a problem or difficult subject and is starting to really focus on it. I’ve seen it a couple of times as we’ve gone over some of the spells.
And she has paid attention to me when I talk a bit about my own interests. I’ve always liked poetry, the written word seems to hold so much more meaning and be surer than the spoken one. Not that I’d suggest we read poetry together, not hardly. But I did tell her how I wanted to learn some of the languages to read the original versions. My French isn’t too bad and I like the way it sounds. When someone else says it of course. Wouldn’t it be cool if one day Willow and I traveled in Europe, through France, Germany and Italy? See the art pieces, the architecture, the history. Yeah, keep dreaming Tara, you’ll be lucky to still be seeing her next year.
Wednesday Afternoon: Well school is back in session and Willow hasn’t called again. I suppose that’s OK and understandable given the start of the new semester and all. I just wish I could hear her voice again, I’m wearing out the tape on the machine. Classes are much the same as last year, trig will be even harder again. I can’t afford lower than a C in it so I hope Willow was serious about being willing to tutor me a bit, I’m going to need it.
        I had another erotic dream with her in it. I’m a bit surprised I didn’t while back home, but I suppose even my mind knows better than to get too fanciful there. This one was Monday night, the day after we got together. It was clear and not at the same time. I had come back from vacation and she came over and was very sad for some reason. I think one of her family had hurt her somehow. In any case our roles were reversed and I comforted her, and in the heat of the moment I kissed her neck, her hair and she didn’t recoil with revulsion but turned in my arms and kissed me so deeply and passionately. Our clothes seemed to flow from our bodies though I don’t remember exactly what she looked like without them.
        Why do I keep waking up or forgetting anything after this point? Is even my subconscious afraid to get my hopes up or go too far?
Friday Night: Willow called and said that she was sorry she hadn’t gotten back to me, but her friends were busy with a small project and that she would be busy pretty much all weekend. I hope I didn’t let my disappointment show too much. I told her that was fine and that I’d wanted to get an early start on the semester’s papers and homework. Well, I didn’t exactly lie to her, I should do that now while I can, in case I do get a chance to see her later. It is still hard to concentrate on normal things like schoolwork; I really need to start early to make sure I get everything done.
        But she did call. She didn’t have to, she could have said nothing and left me worried that I’d done something wrong. I’m disappointed and it sucks, but at least she called.
Tuesday Night: Willow called and wants to get together now, tonight. If I want to, that is. Like I would ever NOT want to! She said she had been going over some spellbooks her friend Mr. Giles had and there was a specific spell she wanted to try out. She wouldn’t say what it was, but hinted that it would be a good test of our connection and powers.
        Wow, she’s so smart and good with books I wonder what she found? It’s so like her to research this wonderful bond we seem to have and try and explore it, define it. That’s the curiousity in her as well as the scientific outlook. What a strange set of traits for someone interested in magic and witchcraft. For me magic is like poetry, all symbolism and hidden meaning, art made real, revealing deeper levels of beauty to reality, glorifying the Goddess and God. I guess I’ve just never been exposed to a good scientific approach before that hasn’t quashed all that. It is exciting though. Willow’s view is so new and different and yet feels somehow appropriate, and I never would have expected that.
She’s so neat, I can’t wait to see what she has in mind.
Wednesday Afternoon: Have I said how amazing, cool and neat Willow is? I get that combination swelling and sinking sensation in my chest and my eyes are almost tearing just remembering being with her last night. It’s like I’m bursting full of energy and want to dance, sing, throw myself around just for the joy of it. I can’t believe how she makes me feel.
OK, sure, it was late when she called, but since I’ve come to Sunnydale I find that I work better at night than in the morning. Maybe it’s a bit of rebellion because Father always had us get up early, I don’t know. But what’s important is that Willow and I practiced spells and hung out till almost three in the morning.
        I was right, too, she did have a very cool spell in mind. She had me put a focusing circle on the floor, one of those little small things to concentrate your attention and will on a specific object, and then placed a pretty red rose in the middle. Now this next part is a bit odd, we sat on either side of the rose and held hands, which was very nice, but Willow forgot to mention exactly what it was we were going to do. She is so organized and methodical it makes me wonder what was going through her mind. Did she just want to hold hands? Was she flustered or nervous for some reason? Am I doing that to her, cause I think that would probably be a good sign, right?
        Or am I just over-thinking things? She was probably just excited about trying the spell. We were to float the rose together, and then slowly pluck the petals off. She said it was a test of our synchronicity. I knew she’d come up with something both fun and a true test of our connection. Goddess I love her.
        So anyway, we got the rose to lift up without damaging it, no problem. It was sort of beautiful the way it just hung there between us, our linked minds keeping it in position. The charge flowing between us seemed to thrum like a power line, the magic making everything so much more distinct and sharp in the immediate vicinity while the background was dimmer and sort of faded. It let me concentrate on the rose, on Willow and on her spirit being in tune with mine. I just don’t know the words to describe what a wonderful and profound feeling that was, maybe even more so than the Solstice celebration. It seems like every moment with her is truly magical, like our bond becomes deeper.
        But then suddenly something dark and oily slid over us. It was cold, clammy and had a very reptilian feel to it. I’ve never really felt dark magic before, but this certainly seemed like it. And our poor rose rocketed around the room and all the petals burned up. It was not pretty at all.
        Willow was confused too, I mean the petals were off, but I don’t think that’s the way it was supposed to happen. The more I thought about it the more worried I got. I mean what if that was my demon or evil side finally surfacing? What if Willow noticed it was from me? I bit my lip and tried to smile as I haltingly asked her if she knew what had happened.
        Fortunately she thought it was an outside influence, someone practicing powerful dark magics in town. That seemed to make her both concerned and worried yet a sort of determined look crossed her face. She said that whoever commanded forces like that was a danger to Sunnydale and all in it and that if we could find out who did it, or where, it would probably be a big help. Now she didn’t say help to whom, but I had to agree that anyone stupid enough to practice Black Magic of that sort was very dangerous. She wanted to do a scrying to see if we could locate the person, so I reluctantly complied. I mean, what if she was wrong and it had come from me? Or perhaps worse, what would be do if we found an evil witch?
        Well, Mother did teach me a number of charms to deal with dark magic and evil practitioners and truthfully with Willow by my side I don’t think I would fear a magical confrontation. She sets me at ease and our link enhances our powers so much, allows for full concentration on whatever we’re attempting. I don’t think there’s anything we couldn’t do if we set our wills towards it.
        But it really didn’t matter. We did our scrying spell and didn’t get any clear result. Whoever did it must have left the area or maybe is very well protected from inquisitive magic. Which is kinda scary when you think of it, that kind of power being used for dark purposes. I wish Mother were here to advise me, us.
        I could tell that Willow was disappointed at the results and torn between staying and leaving. It seemed like she had someplace she wanted to go, but somehow doubted if that would help. I asked if she wanted to go, hiding behind my hair I’m sure, but she smiled and sat down beside me and lightly placed a hand on my knee for a moment and said no, she’d rather just stay, let the icky feeling disipate and hang for a while if that was OK by me?! Another of those easily answered questions! I’d do anything to have her stay with me longer. And she touched me! Just for a moment and almost reflexively, but it was nice anyway.
        However, I also still think I detected a small undercurrent of, what…bitterness or sadness, when she made up her mind to stay. It was sort of like what I noticed in her aura before. I think she had some emotional trauma or something not too long ago that’s still bothering her. It’s like she gets flashes of pain. Maybe a little cloud of depression coloring her aura, but the longer we talk or practice the more it recedes. I didn’t want to pry and it did go away.
        The next couple hours were equally wonderful. We talked, I learned more about her, the things she likes, movies and songs, that sort of thing. Our tastes are similar but where I have a weakness towards romances and sorta cute stuff Willow prefers more action and a bit of Sci Fi. We both came up with five films that the other hasn’t seen that they just have to, and made vague notions of doing a couple of all night video fests. That should be fun, and it will mean being together for quite some time. I hope she remembers the idea.
        I was also right about how she came to the Craft, it was mostly just stumbling on some spells in books and being intrigued about what would result. She did say that she had seen some real magic practiced by this Mr. Giles and that sort of let her know that something could happen if the right books were consulted or the spells performed correctly. I sensed a slight tinge of, not lying, but perhaps a bit of deception when she talked about her and magic. She still seems embarrassed by her record so I guess there was a lot of trial and error involved, and probably some unintended consequences she’d like to forget.
        But then I have things I would like to hide, too, so I don’t want to push her into revealing things she isn’t ready to, that wouldn’t be right. And she’s such a natural witch with so much potential I just hope that I’ll be able to keep up with her. She’s so inquisitive and willing to test new things. Is that a good thing or not?
Friday Night: She called late again and wanted to get together. Of course I said yes and brought out a few of my tomes on conjuration of the elements. It’s one of the basic things witches do, and I confess I wanted to do a little testing of my own and see how far she has progressed and what we can do together with spells I’ve tried by myself before.
        But when she got here I could tell she was hurt. She was limping slightly and there were some cuts and scrathes on her face like she had fallen or something. I almost gave everything away then, I was so shocked. Did someone attack her? Did she have an accident? How badly was she hurt? My impulse was to immediately embrace her and stroke her face and hair, though that might not have been a good idea if she had any other injuries. Tears definitely welled up in my eyes and it took quite a bit of concentration to hold them back. I just couldn’t stand seeing her like that.
        She said she had gotten in the way of some people in a rush last night and was knocked to the ground pretty hard, but that she’d be all right and had suffered worse.
        OK, first off she wasn’t telling the whole truth, that I could tell even in my concerned and addled state. Secondly, what was she doing? She was pretty vague about where she was or why she was there. And last, she shrugged off the damage and pain with a bit too much nonchalance. What does she mean she’s had worse?
        I didn’t press for more details, she’ll tell me when she’s ready, but I think there’s a lot that she isn’t revealing. I hope someday she trusts me enough to open up and explain a bit more. I keep thinking there are depths to her that she keeps hidden and is afraid to show for some reason. I know what it’s like to have secrets and can’t really blame her without being a hypocrite myself; but still, it does make me wonder.
        I insisted on helping smooth her energy out again and purifying her aura, but I don’t think that helped as much as last time. The wounds weren’t fresh enough, but I might have helped her heal a bit faster, taken the edge off the stinging and stiffness. She seemed appreciative in any case and it was an excuse to touch her leg, her face. Her muscles are firmer than I would have expected.
        Touching her was so…I don’t know, like a dream come true? And Goddess she smells so good. A bit like herbal shampoo, a little musky, sort of. It is uniquely Willow and so captivating. It makes me want to move closer to her and just inhale the scent of her. The urge to touch her more intimately, hold and kiss her almost became unbearable. I wish I was braver or had some idea how she felt. She did hold my hand for a moment when she thanked me, another almost unconscious light touch. To use the cliché, I thought I was gonna die, it is so nice to have her touch me. She must think I’m a grinning idiot.
        We talked for a while, she helped me with my trig, and I showed her the conjuration spells and she was all up for trying them then, but I felt it would be better if we waited a bit till she was feeling better. She agreed but was a little let down. It was late by then and she had to go anyway. I hope I didn’t disappoint her too terribly or anything. But I was certainly in no shape to be casting and she shouldn’t have been either. I’ll meditate on the crystal some tomorrow and if we get together then I’ll be more focused and ready. I don’t want any magic we do together to go badly.
Saturday Morning: My dream of Willow last night was more intense and explicit than any I’ve had so far. I dreamed she was hurt and I massaged her legs and back, rubbed her arms and put her to rest in my bed. I joined her there and we lay together, our hands and lips exploring each other. It was very sensual, erotic and exciting. I wonder if there are any poems about love being a curse that drives you crazy with lust and desire?
Sunday Night: Goddess what am I going to do now? I think I’ve cried enough, probably too much, but it seemed like we were getting so close. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew I had no right hoping that Willow could ever fall for me, or even like girls in the first place. She’s not looking for a woman but a new man, or maybe just an old one to return. I knew she had to have a boyfriend. Mother, why do I let myself hope, dream, for more? Clearly I am not meant for such things.
        But I love her so much, can’t just this once things go right, can’t my feelings be worth something?
        Obviously not. And yet things started out so good.
        She called around noon to ask if I still was interested in an all night video fest as we’d discussed. Like an idiot I said yes and so she was going to bring some pizza and we’d start in the evening. I was even stupid enough to think that maybe she’d just stay over since it would be late by the time we finished and made sure the room was extra clean and ready. Maybe it was images of the last dream in my head, or I just forgot who I was. I definitely got a reminder, that’s for sure.
        When she knocked on the door it was about a half hour late, which is unusual for her and I could instantly tell something was wrong. Her eyes were a bit puffy like she’d been crying or something and her aura was so filled with sorrow and loss I thought for a second that someone she knew had died. If she hadn’t been holding the big pizza box I would have hugged her. Thank the goddess I didn’t, that probably would have scared her away without a doubt.
        I didn’t say anything at first, but she was obviously down and depressed and sort of putting on a forced cheerfulness that didn’t really conceal how upset she was. It was actually sort of frightening how like my dream this was. I mean here she was showing up at my room hurt and in pain. My heart went out to her and it was driving me crazy to see her is such distress. I was almost frantic to help in some way, but I didn’t know what to do. This was emotional not physical and what do I know about heartache? Well, I’m learning and it sucks.
        I did manage, finally, to ask her what the matter was, if something was bothering her. That’s when my hopes, dreams, maybe my entire life, ended.
She told me some of her friends were talking about Valentine’s Day coming up soon, and what they were going to do. Things got a bit unclear after that. She babbled and went on and has such mixed feelings of anger and loss, which I can totally understand. From what I understood she had a boyfriend named Oz who she had been seeing since her junior year in high school. She thought he loved her and she loved him but that he left her sometime last October. She wasn’t entirely clear on the details but it seems like this guy cheated on her and slept with someone else, but that that wasn’t exactly the reason he left.
She said he had been in his wolf form and that he was werewolf so when he slept with the other person it wasn’t entirely his fault though it was his stupid idea to lock them together in the first place. I gather that she used to lock him up on the nights of the full moon to keep him from hurting anyone.
Anyway, she said he was sweet and kind, a musician and her first and though she sort of cheated with someone called Xander it wasn’t the same as she just kissed him and never went further than that. Oz forgave her then and she thought she might have been able to forgive him as well, or was maybe ready to, but that he left to find himself or learn control or something. She felt abandoned, devastated and no one seemed to understand her pain.
Oh Mother, it’s so clear that she did love this boy. She still speaks of him with longing and regret. She spent a good hour or so telling me what he was like, how close they had been, how much it hurt her when he left and later when he sent for his stuff. She had sort of hoped he’d be back this semester, but obviously that didn’t happen.
Throughout the whole time I sat there and listened, I tried to be sympathetic because she was in so much pain and needed someone to talk to, to unburden herself to. Whatever friends she has don’t seem to have helped her much with this and she needed someone desperately. Yet it was like my head had swelled to ten times its size, like the room was spinning crazily around me and yet I was sinking down into my stomach. I was nauseous and sad and mad all at the same time. I wanted to cry but knew I couldn’t, that I had to be strong for Willow because she needed healing, a sympathetic ear.
But as she described her world collapsing, mine did too. And I’m still so torn. I’ve never felt such anger at someone. How could he have left her? How could he have hurt her so badly? He had everything. Sure the werewolf stuff is weird, but she’s a witch, I’m a witch and this town is on a Hellmouth. Stranger things exist. They seemed to be dealing with it. How could he give her up if he loved her so much? What kind of idiot inflicts this kind of pain on the one he loves? I’ll never understand that.
And so I sat with her and listened and tried to ease a pain as real as that I dreamed for her the last night. She did cry on my shoulder as I held her and tried to comfort her and let her know that it would be all right when my own heart was shattering and I knew nothing would ever be all right, that I had no hope of ever winning this girl’s love. My dreams had been as false as the façade I put on. Mother, I’ve never felt so hopeless and alone. How do I keep on going now?
TBC…