Oh, and BIG HONKIN' ANGST WARNING. We're heading into Angstville in a big way, and it's going to take a while to get it all resolved. I hope, though, to try and offset some of the emotional angst with a little bit of humor, tenderness, and plot-oriented angst. Trust me, it'll all be worth it in the end. I don't think the emotional angst will come as a big surprise to anyone, as a lot of roads have been converging on this point. These next few parts... well, they're gonna hurt.
Okay, that's my disclaimer. Though you probably know where some things are headed, I hope to have a number of surprises left for you. And of course, romance. And smut... eventually.
-BB
Title: The Truth of Deception - Part 15: Gathering Clouds
Author: blameburner
Feedback: Sure… Always a plus
Summary: AU, baby! So you all know by now... Tara is part of the Initiative. Plenty of questions remain, however, and the answers will be revealed... eventually.
Spoiler Warning: S4. Everything up to "Hush" is canon. After that, this story veers off. There will be some similarities to S4, but definite differences. Basically, if it happened after "Hush" on the show, assume it didn't happen unless I mention it specifically.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but oh how I wish they were! Joss, blah, blah, ME, blah, blah.
Rating: Generally R, but some NC-17 (maybe). Just be prepared.
Pairings: W/T, of course.
Angst: Cliffhanger warning! You'll be seeing this warning a lot from now on. Sorry, can't be helped. Angst level of 7.
Previously...
"I want to make love with you," Willow said softly.
Tara searched Willow's eyes, and knew that it was true. It was the moment she had longed for - and also the moment she had dreaded. Part of her wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life making love to Willow, and yet... and yet Tara couldn't, in good conscience. She couldn't make love to Willow while there were still so many lies between them. She couldn't - wouldn't - do that.
Tara so desperately wanted to tell Willow the truth, it was breaking her heart. She knew Willow would be hurt, knew that Willow might never even want to see her again. Yet Tara was willing to take that risk. She had decided what seemed like a lifetime ago that she would wait for Willow forever, but she would never give up on their love.
The problem wasn't how Willow would react. No, that wasn't what kept Tara from telling Willow the truth. The problem was Maggie Walsh. Since the last time she had spoken to Walsh, Tara hadn't been able to find out anything about Walsh's plans or why she was so interested in Willow. Tara knew the reasons Walsh had given, but her instincts told her that Walsh was up to something else, something she wasn't letting Tara in on. And that scared Tara more than the thought of what Willow's reaction to the truth would be.
*************************
"And what about the Falasian Crystal?" Walsh asked, finally looking at Engleman for the first time.
"Safe," Engleman said. "It's safely hidden away. And the witch?"
"I have the situation under control," Walsh said absently.
"What does that mean?" Engleman asked. Lately he had begun to have a very bad feeling about this whole project - especially where Walsh was concerned.
"It means," Walsh said coldly, "that I have the situation under control."
Engleman swallowed. Hard.
Walsh curved her thin lips up into a smile. "Don't worry, Doctor. Just get those programs finished and I'll take care of the rest."
Engleman nodded and scurried out of the room, anxious to get away from Walsh. Walsh turned back to the part man, part demon, part computer lying on the table. She reached out and stroked Adam's cheek.
"It's almost time," Walsh said reverently.
Part 15
Willow scurried around the dorm room, lighting the last few candles and double-checking everything. Again. Tara would be back from her night class soon, and everything needed to be perfect.
Willow was nervous and amazingly calm, all at the same time. She had waited so long for this - they had waited so long - and she wanted to make sure it would be special. Of course, Willow knew that their first time would be special no matter what the room looked like. They could be knee-deep in mud and surrounded by frogs, and making love with Tara would still be special, simply because it would be them, together, at last.
Not that that meant Willow wanted to do the whole mud-and-frog thing, cuz... ew. She shivered at the thought.
She had gotten the RA to let her in an hour ago with a lame excuse about not being able to find her Psych paper which she had spent nearly three weeks writing, not including research time, and that was due in 15 hours and 36 minutes, and that was worth 50% of her final grade, and that Willow had last seen in Tara's room and she had to find because her hard drive had crashed with her backup disk stuck in the floppy drive, and...
The RA had left sometime just after "not including research time," though Willow hadn't noticed - she was too absorbed in telling what was, in her opinion, a wildly unbelievable story. I mean really, who doesn't keep at least two backup disks, just so that if one gets eaten you'll still have another? She had actually been a little disappointed to discover the RA had left, since she had been practicing her crying-on-cue all week, and had a fresh batch of crocodile tears all ready to let loose on the unsuspecting RA.
Willow surveyed the scene before her, and couldn't help but smile. The room was lit by the soft glow of two dozen candles of varying shapes and sizes, scattered strategically all across the room. Willow had calculated the precise placement for maximum romantic glow, and had even done several test runs during the week when Tara had been showering and thought the redhead was still sleeping.
Willow had debated about the fairy lights, but was now glad she had decided to leave them on. They seemed to be twinkling extra-special tonight, as if they were aware of the importance this night held. Willow couldn't help but feel that the Goddess was smiling down on them.
She smoothed the bedspread one last time, grinning at the surprise hidden underneath. Brand new red satin sheets, which Willow had bought on a secret shopping trip last weekend, graced the bed. Willow had washed them by hand before putting them on the bed, just so they wouldn't be quite so slippery. Slippery is all of the good, unless we end up sliding of the bed while in the throes of passion... ooo, we're gonna be in the throes of passion. Yay us.
A single long-stem rose sat in a crystal vase on the edge of Tara's desk... a jazz CD was softly playing in the CD player... vanilla incense was wafting its soft scent throughout the room... the lights were low... the bed was made... it was... perfect.
Willow walked over to the full-length mirror and checked her appearance. She thanked the Goddess for the good hair day she had been blessed with. She had on just a touch of makeup, topped off by a hint of lip gloss. She wore no jewelry except for the ring Tara had given her two weeks earlier after their picnic.
They had actually had a wonderful time that day, even after Buffy had shown up. The three girls had sat there nibbling on food and chatting most of the afternoon away. Willow was glad Buffy was getting to know Tara better, and that her best friend had apparently taken a liking to her girlfriend, and vice-versa.
Of course, that made Willow feel even more guilty than she already did. She knew she should just come out and tell Buffy about Tara, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. She was too scared of how Buffy would react - even though Willow suspected that Buffy suspected... even though Willow knew Buffy loved her and deep down knew that Buffy would not abandon her for being gay. Willow knew it with her heart, but she just couldn't seem to convince her head.
But that was, in part, what this night was about, too. Over the last two weeks, Willow had become more and more certain of her love for Tara. Not that she had ever really doubted the depth of her feelings, but still... Tara had been right about waiting to make love. Willow knew that now.
It was a big step, the last big step, really. For once they made love... once they did that, then Willow knew she'd be able to face anything. Even her friends. Loving Tara gave Willow the courage to face herself. Being loved by Tara gave Willow the courage to face her fears. Making love with Tara would make her courage complete, and would enable Willow to face the world.
Willow ran her hands across the silk negligee she wore - yet another purchase from the secret shopping trip. She felt bad about having lied to Tara about where she was going when she went shopping, but she thought that Tara would think the results were well worth the deception. The emerald green number looked perfect on her, she had to admit, highlighting her eyes and contrasting against her fiery red hair. Willow could just imagine - and had been imagining for days - what Tara's reaction would be. Willow hoped that reaction would involve swooping and thudding and the inability to form sentences, followed by kissing. Lots and lots of kissing. And touching. Lots of that, too.
The last two weeks had been thud-worthy in their own right. Just because they weren't making love certainly hadn't meant they weren't indulging in naughtiness. Much, much naughtiness of the very good variety. It had been harder and harder for Willow to pull back when they reached the line, as they inevitably did... the line Tara would always seem to point out.
Willow didn't know how Tara did it. It was obvious to Willow that Tara was as worked up sexually as she was, and yet... Tara always put a stop to it. Said they still weren't ready, that Willow still wasn't ready. Willow often thought she detected... something... when Tara would stop them. A hint of sadness, maybe? Willow wasn't sure, and kept chalking it up to Tara being disappointed that they were stopping short. Still... Willow thought there was more to it than that, though she didn't know what.
But after tonight, it won't matter, Willow thought happily. I'm ready, Tara. I'm really, really ready, and we'll be together. Finally.
Willow was startled out of her thoughts by the sound of metal scraping against metal. Metal. Key. Tara's key. Tara's key in Tara's door!
Willow felt a sudden surge of panic, and started twisting and turning even as she waged a babble-war inside her head. How should I be standing? Should I even be standing? Maybe I should be sitting? Yes, sitting... but where? In the chair? Which chair? Or on the bed? Oh, but then I'll wrinkle the bedspread and my negligee will ride up my thighs and I don't want Tara thinking I'm a total slut-bomb!
But then the door opened, and then... there was Tara, staring. Staring at the candles, at the rose, and... finally... at Willow.
Tara's bookbag dropped to the floor with a thud, and Tara reached blindly behind her, grasping for the door so she could shut it. She couldn't take her eyes off Willow - who, caught in mid-mental-babble, was standing on one foot next to the bed while the other foot was up in the air, that leg being bent up at the knee behind her. Willow wrung her hands together in front of her and bit her bottom lip as she tried to gage Tara's reaction.
"Wha... ha... wha.. hu...?" was all Tara could get out. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Wil?"
"Surprise," Willow said shyly. She lowered her eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and then looked back up at Tara.
"Wil..." Tara breathed. At this moment Tara loved Willow more than she could have ever imagined possible. Willow had gone through so much trouble, so much preparation... and she was so completely beautiful. She stole Tara's heart all over again.
Willow took three steps, stopping directly in front of her love, and took Tara's hands in her own. She leaned forward and gently placed her lips over Tara's in a breathtakingly sweet kiss.
"I know you wanted to wait, baby," Willow said after pulling back from the kiss. "And we have waited. You've waited. I've waited. And I think... no, I know... I'm tired of waiting. I want to make love with you, Tara MaClay. Tonight. Now."
Tara practically melted at the words. She could actually feel her legs turning into great big puddles beneath her. She swept forward and took Willow into her arms, and into a passionate kiss. Her mouth moved hungrily over Willow's, searching deeper and deeper. Their lips met again and again, firm yet gentle... intense yet tender.
After several long moments, Willow pulled back, reaching her hand up and cupping Tara's cheek. Tara nuzzled into the embrace, and met Willow's eyes.
"So..." Willow said, laughing lightly. "I guess that means you're ready, too?"
Ready... oh, Goddess, Tara thought suddenly. Oh no... no no no no no no no...
As suddenly as the realization hit Tara, she pulled back the same way, taking several stumbling steps backwards.
"Tara?" Willow asked, completely confused. "What's wrong, baby?"
Tara couldn't bring herself to look at Willow. She hung her head shamefully, not knowing what to do. She was about to break her baby's heart.
"Tara, I'm ready," Willow said, smiling softly, taking Tara's sudden change in demeanor as that the blonde was worried Willow still wasn't ready. Willow took a step closer. "Really ready. Totally ready. Very ready with the ready over here, yep, that's me. I... I love you, Tara. And... I want to show you just how much."
Tara swallowed hard. She was being torn apart inside. She wanted Willow so much, and yet... she just couldn't make love to her love under false pretenses. Tara couldn't give the love of her life the one thing she wanted, and Tara had no idea how to say no without hurting Willow. If Tara told Willow no without explaining, Willow would be hurt and confused. If Tara told Willow the truth... Willow would be hurt and betrayed.
Either way, Willow was going to be hurt. There were no more excuses, no more explanations or reasons... Tara was going to have to tell Willow the truth.
Willow's smile slowly faded as she watched Tara's eyes dart around the room. It was almost as if... as if...
"Don't you want me?" Willow asked, on the verge of tears.
Tara's eyes snapped back to her love, and she saw the pain on Willow's face. She started to answer her girlfriend's question.
Then the phone rang.
***************************
TBC with Part 16: The Storm
"I feel like someone ran me down with a car, and then got out to give me a really great pair of shoes." - sassyeggsglobal
.
. 
Great Update BB,
Thanks for this great story.
Loved the lil picnic, damn Buffy for ruining their fun! 
Willow was just so sweet w/ the candles and all the romance-y-ness! 
Tara going after Adam? Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm kinda glad she's in Riley's team...
.