Sorry, no replies tonight. I've been working on this update for hours and I can't even see straight anymore (no pun intended).
This part got a little... well, a little deeper than I had intended. This story seems to have a way of doing that to me. It's a bit angsty, but no cliffhanger, so that's good, right?
Anyway, lest you think I've gone totally overboard, you will be happy to know there is some levity and happiness coming up very shortly, and - dare I say it - smoochies. They're so close to being "together" together, you can almost taste it. Of course, all the joy must be tempered by other nefarious goings on, but hey... without drama, comedy just wouldn't seem as funny. Likewise, without pain, pleasure wouldn't seem as sweet. IMHO.
So, now that I'm sounding like a bad TNT commercial, I am off. But, to give you a hint of what's in store in upcoming installments, I want to share with you some of the things I hope you all will get from this story (at some point - I'm not saying which things come when):
Humor
The Drama of Human Emotion
The Drama of Events
Action
Joy
Adventure
Sorrow
Suspense
Romance (and a lot of it, in various ways)
-BB
Title: The Truth of Deception - Part 10: Life In A Fishbowl
Author: blameburner
Feedback: Sure… Always a plus
Summary: AU, baby! So you all know by now... Tara is part of the Initiative. Plenty of questions remain, however, and the answers will be revealed... eventually.
Spoiler Warning: S4. Everything up to "Hush" is canon. After that, this story veers off. There will be some similarities to S4, but definite differences. Basically, if it happened after "Hush" on the show, assume it
didn't happen unless I mention it specifically.
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but oh how I wish they were! Joss, blah, blah, ME, blah, blah.
Rating: Generally R, but some NC-17 (maybe). Just be prepared.
Pairings: W/T, of course.
Angst: 7... it's still a collision course, baby! Plus Maggie's back, so you know what that means... muahaha.
Previously...Suddenly Tara got a bad feeling. A really, really bad feeling.
Riley turned to Tara. "I'm part of a super-secret government organization," Riley said, using Xander's words, "operating here on campus to deal with the demon threat. We're called The Initiative. You've probably seen us running around campus in camouflage? We like to say we're playing paintball," he said, laughing slightly. "You know, saying it out loud, it sounds really silly."
"I know," Buffy said, laughing. Riley eyed her, and she mumbled "sorry," though she was still snickering.
Tara just stared at Riley, unblinking.
Riley. In The Initiative. Riley. Dating Buffy. Riley. Working for Maggie Walsh. And they all know. Willow knows. What in the Hell is going on here? Part 10Tara felt like the Bronze had suddenly started spinning around her while she was spinning just as fast in the opposite direction. What was going on? Why hadn't Maggie told her? Was Riley spying on Buffy and her friends? On Willow?
The thought of Willow and her friends being deceived by Riley angered Tara beyond measure. Tara felt betrayed, for Willow, for Willow's friends.
If Riley is spying on them, I'll... I'll... Then the utter hypocrisy of the situation hit Tara full force. Tara was angry with Riley for betraying Willow and the Scoobies in exactly the same way that Tara was betraying them. The guilt she'd been carrying around on her shoulders for the last few weeks seemed infinite in that moment, nearly knocking her onto the floor with its weight.
Luckily, logic got a foothold on the mountain of Tara's anguish and started its long ascent. If Riley were spying on them, would he have revealed that he was part of the Initiative? That didn't make sense, at least not to Tara. She decided to assume that Riley was not, in fact, spying on Buffy and her friends. But that only created a whole new slew of questions.
Tara had never actually told Maggie about the Slayer or the Scoobies. She had justified the omission by telling herself that she just wanted to wait to report this information until she had actually met them. But now she wondered if Maggie already knew. Tara ran it over in her head.
Willow and Buffy are both in her Psych class, and with Maggie's interest in Willow, she would have taken notice of who her friends were. Riley's dating Buffy. Even if Riley isn't actually spying for Maggie, chances are Maggie knows who Riley's dating. Maggie always knows who her operatives are dating. But does she know Buffy's the Slayer? And if she does know, why didn't she tell me? What in the Hell kind of game is Maggie playing at?Little facts and bits of conversation started fitting together, like pieces in a puzzle. Still, she had no idea what picture the finished puzzle would make. She needed to talk to Maggie, and soon.
"Actually," Xander interjected, trying to be helpful, "Riley being a super-secret government agent doesn't really sound any sillier than fairy tale monsters or Slayers or vampires with souls-"
"Hey, now!" Buffy said, hoping to avert that discussion for now. Riley still didn't know about Angel, and Buffy so did not want to go there. "What about giant praying mantis teachers and-"
"That was sooooo not my fault!" Xander said defensively. "And... and... at least I didn't have my vamp doppleganger running around licking my neck-"
"Now wait a minute, that wasn't my fault, either!" Willow interrupted. "It's not like I asked to have my evil, skanky self running around gathering minions... do you think I wanted to have to put on that leather outfit?!?"
"You were so unbelievable as a vampire. Very unconvincing," Anya interjected. "Vampire you? Now she had style! You? You wear sweaters that look like a Muppet puked Pepto Bismol"
"Hey, hey, hey! Let's not forget who's fault that whole vamp me thing was!" Willow shouted, pointing at Anya.
"Well if you had just done the spell properly and gotten my necklace back-"
"Yeah, like I was going to let you wreak havoc with alternate dimensions again," Willow said, rolling her eyes.
"Wait a second," Tara said, finally focusing on the conversation at hand. She looked at Willow and raised an eyebrow. "Leather?"
Willow blushed and fidgeted on her stool. "Uh... yeah?"
"Really?" Tara asked, trying very hard not to drool.
Willow. Leather. Willow wearing leather. Homina-homina-beep-beep!"Yeah," Willow said again, smiling shyly. A chill ran down her spine as she caught a wicked glint in Tara's eyes.
Oh boy... Willow thought, swallowing hard.
None of this got by Anya. She studied her new best friend and the redhead carefully, and she wondered... Yes, she would definitely have to have a little chat with the blonde later. They would have a slumber party! Yes, that was it. Tara would spend the night at Anya's, and they would watch movies, eat popcorn, discuss fashion - though Anya realized it would be more of a classroom lecture, with Anya as the professor - and Anya would find out just how far Tara and Willow's obvious attraction to each other went.
I wonder if they're having orgasms yet? "Let's face it," Buffy said dryly, "none of us has an exclusive ticket on the 'What Was I Thinking' Express."
Everyone nodded, even Riley.
"And what exactly are you nodding about, Sergeant Pepper?" Buffy asked her boyfriend.
"I really have no idea," Riley said, still nodding. "Nodding just seemed like a good idea, because I have no clue what you all are talking about."
Everyone burst out laughing.
"Come on," Buffy said to Riley, tugging on his sleeve. "Let's put those commando skills to a real test. Dance with me?"
"I gladly head towards danger," Riley said, hopping off his stool and following Buffy out onto the dance floor.
"Ouch!" Xander yelled, rubbing his arm where Anya had just hit him. "Now what did I do?"
"Why don't you ever say gallant things like Riley?" Anya complained.
"Huh?" Xander said. "You think what Riley said was... gallant?"
"Of course it was!" Anya said, offering no other explanation.
Xander looked to Willow for help, but she just shrugged. The redhead turned to Tara, who was just as confused.
"Um... okay?" Xander said, standing up. He cleared his throat. "Anya, I would like to risk great bodily harm, including the possible loss of important appendages, by dancing with you?"
Willow and Tara shared a look and waited.
"Oh, Xander!" Anya squealed, practically jumping into the construction worker's arms. "You say the sweetest things!"
With that, Anya ran out onto the dance floor with Xander in tow. Willow shook her head.
"I really just don't get it," said the redhead flatly.
"Get what?" Tara asked, watching Anya bouncing around on the dance floor as Xander just stood there beaming at his girlfriend.
"Any of it," Willow said, now watching the couple as well, though she couldn't help but smile just a little at the total look of adoration on Xander's face.
"Maybe you don't have to get it, Willow," Tara said softly. "Maybe it just is what it is."
Willow turned to look at Tara. She studied her friend's profile as Tara kept her eyes trained on Willow's friends, a sad smile gracing her lips.
"Look at them," Tara said without shifting her gaze. Willow did as Tara asked, and both women watched Xander and Anya out on the dance floor. "They're just two people who, for whatever reason, found each other. They have a connection, even if it's one nobody else understands, and that connection makes them happy. Does it matter that you don't understand it? Does it even matter if they don't understand it themselves?"
"No, it really doesn't," Willow said quietly, turning her gaze back towards Tara, only to find the blonde looking back at her intently. Willow felt the conversation shift, and she wondered if they were still talking about Xander and Anya at all.
"Sometimes it just is what it is, Willow," Tara said, looking deeply into the redhead's eyes, sadness giving way to something far different. "You might not know how it happened, and you might not ever be able to explain why, but it's there all the same. You can't change it or fix it or make it go away because it's there, real and consuming and wonderfully, frighteningly demanding, and it makes
you feel alive... and the only choice you have is to either pretend it doesn't exist, or to embrace it."
Tara hadn't meant to go there. She hadn't meant to say the things that had been lurking around in her mind for weeks. In fact, only a few minutes earlier, she was prepared to tell Willow everything about her and The Initiative and her deception and Maggie Walsh, even knowing that it would mean losing Willow. It left her feeling hollow and broken, but she needed to tell the truth. Willow deserved nothing less than everything, which meant telling the truth.
Yes, just a few minutes earlier, Tara had been resigned to her fate - a fate without Willow, trapped in a world of her own making, where Tara could lie and had lied to the person who meant more to her than anything or anyone else in her life. She had been resigned to it... and yet now here she was fighting it.
She had been watching Anya and Xander, watching their very strange yet wondrous relationship, and it had sparked something within her. They were happy and dammit, she wanted to be happy, too. She deserved to be happy, for once in her life, really and truly happy. And Willow, sweet Willow, deserved that same happiness. Tara and Willow deserved to be happy, together.
It made no sense, and yet, it made complete sense. She and Willow were not a couple - Tara knew that. They had never even talked about it. Tara was gay, and Willow... well, Willow had always dated men. Still, Tara knew, as she had known all along but had not allowed herself to admit, that Willow was attracted to her. They had a connection. Tara felt it like she felt her own heart beating in her chest, the certainty of this truth beating underneath her breast in time with her own heart.
All these weeks, Tara had made every excuse imaginable to distract herself from the truth. She had told herself that she wasn't good enough, that Willow was straight, that someone as wonderful as Willow could never want someone like Tara. She had told herself that it was impossible, that she had a job to do and that her duty did not allow for her to fall in love with Willow, or for Willow to fall in love with her. She had told herself that she had lied to Willow, and that because of that deception, they could never be together.
And yet... here she was, and here Willow was, and here they were. When she looked into Willow's eyes, there was only the truth between them. All this time, Tara had been deceiving Willow, but more importantly, Tara had been deceiving herself. For the truth of Tara's deception was that she had fallen in love with Willow. There was no greater truth than that.
The strength of that truth lit a fire inside of Tara, one she had not felt in a long, long time. It was the fire of hope, and with each passing second it burned hotter, brighter, and more fiercely than the icy winds of her deception could ever hope to extinguish. And that gave her courage. And strength. It gave her a cause worth fighting for and a weapon to fight with.
She looked into Willow's green depths and saw her future. She didn't know exactly how Willow felt about her, but she knew it was something, and she knew that each day it grew stronger. It would have to be Willow's decision, but Tara knew with perfect certainty that eventually it was a decision Willow would make. She knew it as certainly as if the Goddess had whispered it in her ear. And however long it took, she would wait. She would not push or tell Willow of her love until the redhead was ready. Tara would wait for Willow forever, if that's what it took.
She knew, too, that she had to tell Willow everything. But, whereas a short time ago Tara was resigned to the fact that the truth would mean the end, she now knew that the truth was only the beginning. Willow would feel hurt and betrayed, and Tara would give the redhead all the time and space she needed, but Tara would not give up. She would not let go. She would stay and fight for her future - their future - because Tara now knew she and Willow belonged together.
There was only one thing Tara had to do before she told Willow the truth about The Initiative. Yes, tonight Tara would go see Maggie Walsh, find out what was going on, and then she would tell her that it was over. Tara would not spy on Willow Rosenberg anymore, consequences be damned.
Willow watched a thousand thoughts flash across Tara's face even as the blonde continued to look into the redhead's eyes. She didn't know what Tara was thinking, but she knew it was... something. Something profound and important. Something... powerful.
"You okay?" Willow asked, reaching out and placing her hand on top of Tara's. No, she didn't know what the blonde was thinking, but she knew that whatever it was, it was not easy for Tara. And somehow, too, Willow knew it involved her.
"Actually, no," Tara said, "but I will be." She gave turned her hand over and interlaced her fingers with Willow's, giving them a squeeze. And she smiled.
Willow simply nodded, knowing that Tara would tell her what was going on in her own time. Willow would wait as long as it took. Forever, if need be.
**********************
"Come in," Maggie Walsh called out to the secret door. She found it odd that Tara always insisted on knocking on the secret door before entering Walsh's office, considering the fact that the only person who used the door was Tara. Plus, there was a camera on the other side which allowed Tara to see into Walsh's office before entering so that Tara knew that there was no one else in the office and that it was safe to enter.
Tara opened the door and entered, stepping around to the front of Walsh's desk and standing at attention.
"I'm glad you came by," Walsh said, setting down her paperwork and giving Tara her full attention. "I needed to speak to you about something."
"I need to speak to you, too," Tara said.
"Really? Do tell," Walsh said.
"Is Riley Finn an agent?" Tara asked brusquely.
Walsh cocked her head, a little disturbed at Tara's tone. Yet she decided to play along.
"Yes, he is," Walsh said. "How did you know?"
"I met him tonight," Tara said, "along with some of Willow's friends."
Ahhh... Tara finally met the infamous Scoobies, Walsh thought.
Now we'll see where her loyalties lie. Walsh peered at Tara intently, wondering how much Tara knew about Willow's friends - and for how long she had known it.
"Go on," Walsh said, feigning innocence. Tara, however, wasn't falling for it. She wanted to question Walsh point blank, but something inside her head stopped her.
"Willow's friends know he's part of The Initiative," Tara said, choosing her words carefully. She had no desire to get Riley into trouble with Walsh, but there was no way of hiding the fact that Riley had revealed his identity.
"Really," was all Walsh said. Walsh was playing things very close to the vest, waiting to see who would blink first - her or Tara.
Warning bells were going off in Tara's mind. She had expected Walsh to react either with anger that Riley's cover was blown - even if he wasn't spying on the Scoobies, he was still part of a super-secret government organization - or to readily admit that the Scoobies knew about him. She had not expected Walsh's neutral reaction. It was quickly becoming clear to Tara that she was being tested.
"Yes," Tara said, trying very hard to ease up her tone of voice and seem neutral. "It... surprised me."
"What surprised you?" Walsh asked carefully.
"It surprised me that one of our agents would reveal such information," was all Tara said. They continued to tip-toe around each other.
"Yes, I can see how that might surprise you," Walsh said. Then she made her move. "What if I told you that Agent Finn was spying on Willow?"
Tara didn't even blink. "I'm not sure I would understand the point of having two people spying on the witch," Tara said with as much detachment as she could muster. "Is he spying on Willow?"
"No," Walsh said matter-of-factly. "Actually he's not spying on anyone."
Tara was relieved, though she didn't show it. She knew Walsh was playing games with her, and it was entirely possible that Walsh was lying. Still, Tara believed Walsh was telling the truth that Riley was not spying.
"Okay," Tara said, waiting for Walsh to continue, knowing what was coming next. Tara had to make a split-second decision - admit that she had known about the Slayer and her friends for weeks, or pretend that she didn't know a thing.
"How much do you know about Willow's friends?" Walsh asked, again looking for some sign that Tara was covering. She found none.
"Not too much," Tara said, her decision made. "I know that there's a girl names Buffy Summers, and that she's some kind of vampire slayer. She thinks she has a destiny or something. She and Willow have been best friends since high school, and while in high school the two of them plus a boy named Xander had some kind of club where they killed demons. They called themselves the Scoobies."
Walsh eyed Tara carefully. "Why didn't you mention any of this in your reports?"
Again, Tara stayed calm, but she added a certain amount of disdain to her voice. "Truthfully, I didn't think much of it. Willow has a bit of hero worship towards Buffy. I thought it was just a bunch of high school kids playing around with things they had no business being involved in, especially considering I had never met any of these people before tonight."
Walsh noticed the shift in Tara's tone. It was almost as if Tara were... jealous.
"So you don't think there's anything to this Slayer business?" Walsh probed.
"No, not really," Tara said. "Personally I think Buffy just has a big ego and this is a way for her to seem superior and keep her friends kissing the ground she walks on."
Walsh smiled internally. It was obvious Tara had taken a disliking to Buffy, and Walsh thought she might know why. She was very pleased with the way this was going. She felt comfortable in revealing the truth about Buffy.
"Actually, it is true. Buffy Summers does have a destiny. She is the Slayer," Walsh said.
Tara looked shocked. "Really?"
Walsh nodded. "And actually, she's working for us."
Tara was truly shocked this time. She had no idea. Willow hadn't said anything.
Walsh proceeded to explain how Riley and Buffy had found out about each other the night the Gentlemen were defeated, and about how she had decided to allow the Slayer into the fold.
"You can see the threat she might represent," Walsh said convincingly. "Therefore, better to utilize her power and skills from within, than to let her run amok and undermine our mission."
"Certainly," Tara nodded her assent.
"So," Walsh shifted the conversation back to Willow, "what about Willow?"
"Well, I still haven't seen any real hint of power beyond that first night in the laundry room," Tara said, putting everything she had into her performance. She didn't know what Walsh was up to, but she didn't like it one bit.
It was obvious Walsh had become somewhat suspicious of her relationship with Willow, and she knew instinctively that the only way to soothe Walsh's fears was to pretend to start to distance herself from Willow. So Tara was planting tiny cracks in the story of her and Willow's relationship, ones that Walsh could sick her claws into.
"Truthfully, she's more interested in floating pencils and doing glamours than anything really substantive," Tara said a little harshly. "I'm beginning to think that the night in the laundry room was just a fluke."
"Tara," Walsh said with a false sincerity, "are you okay? I know you thought that you and Willow had a kind of... connection, in the beginning. Now you seem... a little bitter. Has something happened?"
Tara let her shoulders slump a bit, looking slightly defeated. "I don't know, Maggie. I have to be honest with you. In the beginning I... I kind of... well, I had a bit of a crush," Tara said apologetically.
Walsh smiled. "I know you did," she said soothingly. "It's okay, Tara."
Tara smiled gratefully. "But now... I don't know. Willow's... different. Unfocused. She's really not even all that interested in magic anymore. All she talks about is..."
"Buffy?" Walsh supplied after Tara trailed off. Tara nodded, looking slightly heartbroken.
Walsh nodded sympathetically, but inside she was doing her own, personal Happy Dance. It was obvious that Willow was more interested in Buffy than in developing a relationship with Tara, which pleased Walsh, for it meant that Tara's unrequited affection for the redhead was leaving Tara vulnerable - and when Tara felt vulnerable, she turned to Walsh's leadership and counsel. And that... that meant that Tara's loyalties were to Walsh, and Walsh alone.
"Well, I'm sorry, Tara, but maybe it's for the best," Walsh suggested. "After all, Willow might be dangerous-"
"Actually, I really don't think she is," Tara said, cringing as her need to defend Willow made her interrupt Walsh. She only hoped Walsh had bought enough of her act not to really notice the interruption. "Of course, I can't be sure of that."
"Tara, if it will be too hard for you to continue to be around Willow, I can send in someone else to investigate," Walsh offered. After all, she really did like Tara and didn't want to see her hurt any more than absolutely necessary.
"No, that's okay," Tara said, sighing heavily. "I'll continue the mission. I've already developed a relationship with her, and it only makes sense that I should continue."
Walsh nodded in agreement. "Fine. We'll refrain from telling Riley. I trust him a great deal, but he is dating the Slayer, and I'm not sure exactly how he would react to the news that his girlfriend's best friend was being lied to."
Tara cringed inwardly at Walsh's words, but showed no outward sign. She simply nodded and said goodnight, exiting the office through the secret door. She made her way through the passageway, having to forcibly stop herself from breaking into a run. She was desperate to get away from Maggie Walsh and The Initiative.
She exited the underground bunker through a secret tunnel that let out in the woods. As soon as she cleared the doorway, she broke out into a run. She ran away from campus, away from all the questions and fear and doubt and deception. Away form the lies. So many lies.
After about a half a mile she stopped, breathing hard as she had basically been running full-out the whole time. She doubled over and rested her hands on her knees, the only sound her own labored breathing and frogs off in the distance. The frogs, of course, made her think of Willow.
They had stayed until nearly eleven o'clock, just talking and dancing and laughing. It had been a wonderful night, and Tara had nearly been able to forget about Riley and The Initiative and her plans to go see Walsh. She had allowed herself to simply enjoy the company of Willow and her friends, and it had been wonderful.
Finally, Xander had said he had to work early the next morning, and Willow and Buffy both had early classes, so they had all made their goodnights. Buffy, Tara, Willow, and Riley had walked back to campus together, with Willow and Tara holding hands the entire way. It had been Heaven, and neither Buffy or Riley had thought anything of it.
Eventually they had parted, with Willow bidding Tara goodnight on the path leading up to Stevenson. Tara had watched Willow, Buffy, and Riley walk away, and as soon as they were out of sight, Tara had made her way to the secret entrance in the woods.
Finally having caught her breath, Tara straightened and started to walk back to campus. She thought about what had just transpired with Walsh, and about the lies she had told. Yet somehow these lies felt different. She thought it strange, and yet it felt right, just the same. Tara had always been able to trust her gut, and right now her gut was screaming at her that there was something going on, something that was not good.
Tara's need to tell Willow the truth had flown right out the window. Now Tara needed to keep Willow safe, and that trumped anything and everything else. She had known Walsh for years, and found it hard to believe that Walsh's intention could ever be to harm Willow. Yet it was obvious that Walsh was playing at something, and Tara didn't like it. So until Tara could ensure that Walsh was no threat to Willow, she would continue the deception with Willow, and with Walsh. Consequences be damned.
************************
TBC with Part 11: Wild and Crazy
"I feel like someone ran me down with a car, and then got out to give me a really great pair of shoes." - sassyeggsglobal