I wanna tell you, this is not smut, it has a plot, and it's very angsty. The title kinda sucks, but I couldn't think about anything else, also, the updates are going to be weekly. I'm so nervous it's not even funny, but here goes.
TITLE: Dark Core 1/?
AUTHOR: Washi (ZWS)
EMAIL: washi@dark-bliss.net
RATING: R, to be safe.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters, Joss does or whoever. If I owned them, do you really think I would let season 6 happen? And why the hell would I be writing this?
So yeah, all belongs to Joss, ME etc...
The lyrics in this piece are owned by their respective owners.
SPOILERS: Season 6, Older and Far Away. It veers off cannon afterwards.
FEEDBACK: I love it, I live for it, either here or by email, although here is better.
ARCHIVE: It's gonna be on Blood and Ink. Ask and ye shall receive.
ANGST: Be carefull kittens, the ride is gonna be really angsty, and I'm not kidding here.
Thanks: Many thank yous to YMKA and Taras Shadow for their help, and also to bzengo and FIRESIGN.
NOTES: I don't have a beta in the real sense, but YMKA and Holly helped me along. Thanks again girls. All mistakes are mine. I'm not Wiccan, so if I made any mistakes for the Rede, I'm sorry.
Thoughts are in < > as always. Flashbacks, song lyrics and such are in italics.
*****
Willow sat unmoving by her window, sitting in a plush armchair. The moonlight was dancing on her face, making her already-pale skin seem deathly-white. Her face was upturned, watching the Tara-constellations twinkling merrily in the sky, mocking her misery. Her gaze was unfocused as she thought of Buffy’s birthday party. Of her revealed lie. Of the hurt look on Tara’s face when she mentioned the spell ingredients she hadn’t thrown out. Images jumbled in her mind, images full of Tara, of how she had defended her against Anya, the smile she had given her after she had explained about her secret magical stash.
“Stash, I really sound like a junkie.” Willow said bitterly in the dark room.
Tara’s soft voice whispered in her mind.
“You know, I don’t know if you noticed, but it did actually get bad in there. Really bad. And you still said no.”
That smile. It had melted her, made her heart flutter. And her heart fluttered again right then.
“Tara, I miss you soo much baby.” she told the darkness, a tear escaping her eyes.
It rolled down her face. The upturned palm that was waiting to feel soft fingers entwine with hers caught the tear as it fell off her chin. Willow looked at it, shining on her skin.
She felt her self-disgust resurface again. Her guilt. How could she have hurt Tara like that? She violated her mind, had violated their trust, one of the things their whole relationship was based on. She made her remember Glory and the dark days that followed her brain-suckage. She had belittled her, like her family had. She had done everything that would make Tara hate her. She had lost her, lost the one thing she loved more than anything in the world, more than her own life. She lost her light, the person who made life on the Hellmouth worth living, who made waking up after Buffy’s death bearable, who made her whole life have a meaning. She had chased away her goal in life, her yesterday, today and tomorrow, her always, her forever. Her everything. She had made her soul, her heart and all the other organs in her body flee from her, flee from the darkness in her being. She was a monster, a ruthless monster that played with her everything’s mind. She was no better than Glory. Her vision blurred as tears broke the dam holding them back and trickled down her face. She saw again in her mind’s eye all the hurt and pain she had caused, especially to Tara and Dawn.
“Tara.” she called out hopelessly, her voice scratchy from her tears.
She would do anything to erase the pain in Tara’s eyes by proving herself, to help heal that deep scar she had left in her lover’s heart by loving her more than life. She would do anything, but she had lost the right to do all that. Because she was the one who put those marks on her lover, not with her fists, but with her magicks.
When she rose from her bed in the morning, Willow knew it was going to be a bad day. She had tossed and turned all night, and when she finally fell asleep, the muscles cramps started. The pain still lingered in her legs, especially in her calves and back thighs. She finally stayed up all night, massaging her legs, thinking and looking at the sky, watching the clouds moving while listening to sad love songs. Some songs kept playing in an endless loop on the radio station she had settled on. The lyrics kept pounding over and over into her heart, turning the knife in the bruised organ, making even more guilt seep into her conscious mind. The regret she felt filtered into her blood, making each and every one of her heartbeats a living hell of pain.
It's been raining since you left me,
Now I'm drowning in the flood.
You see, I've always been a fighter,
But without you I give up.
You don't need to bother,
I don't need to be,
I'll keep standing farther,
But once I'll hold on,
I'll never live down my deceit...
It's been a while,
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted.
And it's been a while,
Since I could say I love myself as well.
And it's been a while,
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do.
It's been a while
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.
What I'd give to run my fingers
Through your hair,
Touch your lips,
To hold you near.
Sorry,
Is all that you can say,
Years gone by and still,
Words don't come easily,
Like I love you,
I love you...
No I can't forget this evening,
Or your face as you were leaving.
But I guess that's just the way the story goes
You always smile but in your eyes, your sorrow shows.
And I...
Will love you...
Baby...
Always...
And I'll be there...
Forever and a day...
Always...
Willow listened to them, the pieces of the songs that spoke to her or about her (or so it seemed) starting a cacophony into her head, the lyrics and the various rhythms blending together in her head. But she deserved to be reminded she told herself, reminded of the stupidity of her actions and of the hurt she caused.
And so, she sat in the gloom, the songs mocking her endlessly.
Her headache wasn’t helping things, and when she got up from her bed, it became a full-blown migraine. Of course, she wouldn’t let Buffy and Dawn see how bad she felt. Instead of receding, the pain and withdrawal symptoms were increasing.
Her palms had itched to cast a soothing spell, something that would relieve the pain using white magic, but immediately, she dismissed the thought.
And she had stayed true to her promise. But, now, night fell, and all the loneliness and fatigue came back three-folds.
She felt it weird that her physical pain was increasing and that her spirits weren’t beginning to lift. She didn’t want to tell the others because she didn’t want to bother them more. They were after all helping her, and she didn’t deserve more. She was a junkie, and she had to endure the withdrawals. Telling them would only make her feel worse because she was helpless to get herself better, and even thought they would fuss, they’d still look at her in pity and disappointment. She brought it on herself, and she had to get herself out of it.
Her internal conversation and self-analysis was interrupted when she felt a harsh light on her face coming from the door. She turned her head and saw Dawn standing there, looking at her.
“Hey Dawnie.”
“Hey Willow.” the teenager replied, walking into the dark room.
She sat down on the window sill facing Willow and looked at her. Really looked at her. In the pale moonlight, her face was incredibly pale, except the rings under her eyes which were black in contrast to the smooth milky-ness of her skin. Her eyes were haunted and red-rimmed.
“Tough day?” she asked, her voice soft and her eyes full of compassion.
“Yeah. You?”
“Pretty much, Buffy lectured me about responsibility. So, here I am.”
“Oh, so, she told you to come check on the junkie and see what being irresponsible is. That’s nice.” Willow said, a mirthless smile on her face. The smile faded a second later to be replaced with a sad, empty look. The look of a person who’s giving up, of a person who lost all hope. Willow’s eyes glistened with unshed tears, tears that seemed permanently residing in her eyes ever since Tara had left.
“That’s so not what I meant. You and Tara took care of me, and now I should take care of you. It’s simple. So, what can I do to help?” Dawn replied, looking around.
Willow looked at the teenager and allowed a small smile to graze her face when she saw only compassion in her blue eyes. Buffy, Xander and Anya had disgust, pity and disappointment in their furtive glances at her. They couldn’t even look at her in the eye, they always seemed to look around, as if fearing that they may get infected by her disgusting ‘disease’ if they looked into her green depths. Eyes now showing nothing more than apology and pain, not for herself but for the people she hurt.
“Oh. I’m sorry Dawnie, it’s just, today was really bad.”
“It’s kinda obvious by the way you look. No offense.” she said as an after thought.
“None taken.” Willow replied. They both sat in silence until Willow’s curiosity got the best of her.
“Dawn, I have a weird question to ask you.”
*****
TBC... Feedback is very muchly appreciated.
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"See? I've mastered this tact crap." Anya in Tears Of The Goddess by Lisa
The course of love doesn’t always run smooth, especially for the neurotic and accident-prone. ~ LadyB
.:Dark-bliss.net :..:My blog:..:Blood and Ink:.
at: 5/5/04 7:06 pm
I can feel Willow's pain although it's sad to see her feel this way about herself. Hmm Willlow got a weird question to ask Dawn? Wonder what's that all about 
. 
I wonder what Willow's going to ask Dawn
at: 10/10/03 7:38 am
at: 10/10/03 1:15 pm
I'm clutching onto the desk here in anticipation, yes, I know what happens, sort of, but still...it's well...ah, you'll get more updates up and I'll let you know then. I don't want to get ahead of myself. 
You are very welcome..and thank you
Whatever I did....ahm..being pain in the a$$...
, it's very insightful, shows us a part of Willow that she kept hidden while she was everybody's rock. Brilliantly written! Can't wait for the next update **settles down comfortably and waits patiently** 
