Hello! Happy B-day to me!
Here's an update for you kittens... I'm sorry it's taken forever
. i hope you think it's worth it.
again, disclaimers of blatant plagiarism... yaddah, yaddah, yaddah...
splitting into two parts cause i'm afraid the text will be cut off....
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Willow heard Tara sigh once again. She felt it too, as her girlfriend snuggled deeper into her embrace. The two were up on the barn’s support, leaning against the same post they had reclined against during the rainstorm a few weeks ago. Only difference was this time around it was Willow’s arms enveloping the sitting blonde in front of her. That, plus the fact the day was not stormy. At least not anymore. The confrontation with Beth had only happened fifteen minutes ago but it felt like hours. Days even. Being together, touching one another, holding one another, made everything better. Always.
“That’s the third sigh in less than five minutes, missy.” Willow teased. “Am I boring you?” She smirked even though she knew Tara had a lot on her mind right now. She wanted nothing more than to make her smile. She squeezed her lover’s body closer to hers as her mouth puckered up against the girl’s temple, Tara’s blonde hair tickling her chin.
The sweet gesture snapped Tara out of her trance. “I’m sorry… I’m just…”
“What?” Willow pried.
“…Thinking about my mother.”
She certainly had not expected that statement to come from those lips, “Oh.”
“I wish she were still here.” Tara mentioned, her eyes staring off into nothing in particular once more.
“Me too, baby.”
After a few moments of silence, “It’s all my fault.”, was softly whispered as the blonde lowered her head, long hair covering her face.
“What? What is?”
“Had I not been born she..."
“Tara?” Willow wanted to twist her around, to look into her eyes. But Tara’s eyes remained downcast.
“You don’t know.”
“I know you. I know you meant to her just as much as she means to you. She loved you.”
“She got worse because of me. I weakened her and-”
Not being able to take the self-flagellation anymore, Willow reached over and gently turned Tara’s face towards her. “Tare, what are you talking about?”
“The doctors w-warned her after Donny not to have more children.” Tears brimmed, “She’d had a difficult pregnancy with him and kn-knew another baby would harm her even if she had the child during one of her periods of remission…” Tara rarely spoke of her mother’s illness and when she did it was usually in passing. Nothing heavy. Willow knew this was not one of those times. Something must have triggered this conversation and the only answer she could come up with was Beth must have said something, something extremely hurtful. After all, Willow had felt Tara’s grief all the way across camp. She could still see it in her lover’s face. “Willow… I’m so scared.”
What could she do? What could she say? How could she take away Tara’s anguish? “Why?”
“She was twenty when…” tormented, blue eyes turned away.
The redhead knew what she was going to say. Tara’s mother had been diagnosed with Lupus at 20. She also knew that lupus could have a genetic basis but that it wasn’t medically confirmed. She’d asked Ms. Calendar about it at the infirmary, read the medical books stored there, searched the internet on Oz’s computer in his hut.
Willow didn’t know what it had been like for Tara growing up with a sickly mother. A mother who worsened every year, whose deterioration destroyed all of them as much as it destroyed herself. Seventeen years of pain and heartache, not only for her but her whole family She wasn’t aware that the blonde’s father hadn’t always been an acrid man. Not at all. Tara’s childhood memories of him were really what kept her near her father to this day. Once upon a time he had been caring and loving, even doting. He’d been a real father, a true one. But, the toll of his wife’s illness was what embittered him. The sicker she got the more he rejected the world. And it was sad, very sad. Tara knew every time he looked at her, with her blue eyes and blonde hair, the similar features of mother and child, he thought of her. Of her life, her death, her magick. The magick she refused to use to heal herself. That was when the magick became evil. When Tara and her power unwittingly became evil.
Her mother’s journey first started with skin rashes and muscle pain, then the fatigue and headaches set in. After a few years of misdiagnosis the chest pains began and her kidneys flared. Ultimately the seizures started and her mental health deteriorated. For 17 years she lived with Lupus. She’d have her good days and bad days. But there had been a bit of joy sprinkled in between. Certain dates Tara remembered when her mother wasn’t ill at all, weeks of remission her mother would call her ‘quiet periods’. Tara’s first menstruation, her first Wiccan ceremony, her first crush, her first heartbreak. She’d been there for all of that. But now, now when it really mattered, when Tara was finally in love, when Tara was completely happy in her life- with a job, a girlfriend- her mother was not here to share it with her. Tara hated that and Tara hated herself more for robbing her mother’s life.
“Tara, it wasn’t your fault. These things happen. They just do.” Willow began to get desperate at seeing her lover expressing such regret. “Tare Bear, listen to me, you were a gift you know it. You made your mother very happy. You still make her happy. She’s still here with you. She’ll always be with you and will always take care of you and you- You make a place in your heart for her. It's sort of like she becomes part of you. In the things she showed you and taught you… The way you live your life. Does that make sense?” She caught up with her breathing while thinking she sounded like the biggest dummy in the history of humankind. “I know I can't, on some level... it's like my opinion isn't worth anything because I haven't been through... I didn't lose my mom, so I don't know...”
Tara’s teary eyes bored into Willow’s, her voice laced with tender awe. “When did you become big knowledge woman?” With that and a light chuckle from both she kissed her sweetheart firmly on the lips and hugged her tight. “I love you so much, Willow. You’re like my own angel.”
“Oh, baby.” Willow’s lips didn’t want to stop kissing her, her arms didn’t want to stop holding her. So, she didn’t. Not until the bells chimed and break time was over.
***********
“So, anything on what happened with Beth earlier today?” Buffy asked her best friend as they sat on ‘their’ campfire log later that evening. It had been a long afternoon with their boisterous campers and this respite before the midnight raids began was a welcomed one.
“No. I didn’t want to get all nosey on her.” The redhead didn’t want to necessarily fib to Buffy like that but it wasn’t a complete lie. After their conversation about Tara’s mother, the young blonde shifted back and forth for a while between tears and bouts of pulling herself together. It was the most difficult thing Willow had ever seen. Someone she cared for so deeply, so definitely, was hurting and Willow didn’t know how to act, what to say. “It took a while to calm her down.”
“With some Willow kissage?” Even by firelight, Buffy could see Willow blush. “Please, you two didn’t even notice I left.”
“We did too.”
“Did not.”
“Did too!”
“Can I play?” Xander suddenly ran up and sat next to Willow, bumping her forward and almost off the log.
“Xander!” the two girls yelled at the same time.
He simply snickered as he extended his hand and stole a marshmallow from Willow, taking a bite of it. “Sorry I’ve got some unresolved sexual tension built up and I’m all twitchy.”
“Unresolved sexual tension?” Buffy eyed him.
“Yeah, you and Willow don’t have to worry about it ‘cause you’ve got Riley and Will’s got Tara.”
“See!” Buffy pointed her finger at her best friend, “Everyone knows about Willow kissage.”
“Shush you!”
“Oh please,” Xander continued oblivious to the redheads discomfort. “You two are always all glowy. Are you going to eat that?” He pointed over to Buffy’s chocolate bar and grabbed it without a response from the Slayer.
With her stealthy speed, she quickly reached over and snatched her candy from Xander’s hands. “Mine. Thank you.”
“Hey!” he complained even though he knew he had no right to.
“Where’s lovergirl?” The Slayer kidded around with her friend.
Xander’s face betrayed his clashing emotions, “Is Anya European? I mean, she’s all- It’s like all she thinks about is sex.”
“And the problem for you is…?”
He huffed in mock anger before replying, “That is my job! I’m the man in the relationship, not her. Not that there is a relationship or anything. She’s just my date for the banquet but to her it’s like if we’re going steady. I am certainly not going to jump her bones just because she wants me and practically attacks me every time we’re alone. Which she does and it’s making me all-“
Buffy knew he was venturing in over share territory. “We get the picture, Xand.”
“Loud and clear.” Willow agreed.
“What the hell was I thinking saying yes to Anya?” he sighed.
“How exactly did that happen, Xander?”
“Erm… I’m not really sure. She was talking, as usual, about the male species and suddenly said she did not have a date for the banquet.”
“Really?”
Xander nodded, imitating Anya’s curt manner of speaking, “You're not quite as obnoxious as most of the alpha males around here. Will you go with me?”
“Great sales pitch there.”
Xander chuckled at Willow’s humor. “I know. I told her one of us is very confused, and I honestly don’t know which. She, however, took that as a ‘yes’.”
As he watched his two friends laugh at him Xander couldn’t help but think Anya wasn’t that bad. Really. Although she was brutally honest about her opinions and what she wanted, there was something alluring about her. Sort of like Cordelia. “I guess… I just recently broke up with Cordy and things are still weird.” His demeanor quickly changed as he stared into the bonfire.
Even though Cordelia’s actions towards Willow were inexcusable, deep down he was still in love with her. Maybe not love. Lust. For sure it was lust. Even so, a part of him still hurt. He didn’t understand why Cordelia was so mean to everyone, especially his best friend. But no matter how hot Cordelia Chase was, Willow would always be more important to him than any fling. Even if he did have lovey, lusty feelings for them.
Buffy and Willow looked at each other during his contemplation. “Well,” Buffy broke the silence, “Think of it this way, Xand. This whole deal may wake Cordy up to the fact she cannot treat people like she treats them. It’s like a learning experience or something.”
Still emotionally drained from the afternoon, Willow sadly kicked some dirt with her tennis shoe into the direction of the fire, “I’m sorry you’re hurting because of me.” She curled her arms around herself a bit tighter and sniffled. It was hard enough to know that Beth would most definitely hold her and Tara’s relationship against her own cousin. The last thing she wanted was Xander upset because of her as well.
“Will?” He looked back at his friend since kindergarten. He’d seen Willow pout many times before and rationalized there was a lot more to Willow’s dejected mood than his personal ramblings. He knew it’d been an emotional roller coaster for her this summer and gathered now was not the time for his self-wallowing. Xander lovingly wrapped his arms around the redhead's shoulders, “I love you, Willow. You’re the bestest friend anyone can have.”
Buffy joined in on the group hug, “And I love you too, Wills.”
Small tears rolled down Willow’s freckled cheek. “You guys.” She smiled, finding it difficult to wipe the tears away since her arms were currently held captive by both Buffy and Xander’s hug. After a few seconds of silence, she cleared her throat. “I think I’m going to, uh- I’m going to go back to the cabin.”
“Nooo.” her friends whined, as their arms enveloping her tighter, not letting her go just yet.
“I should get some sleep.”
“What about the s’mores?” Buffy asked, wondering how could anyone pass up s’mores?
“Too much sugary goodness makes me spazzy. More so than usual.” She said as she glanced at her friends. “Uh, hello, guys… oxygen becoming an issue here.”
The pair of them slowly withdrew themselves from the embrace and, as if both had the same thought at the same time, they began to tickle Willow. Jostling the redhead off the log and onto the ground, the two began an all out tickle fest.
“Hands!”, the redhead managed to splutter within her bouts of laughter, “Hands in new places!”
“That wasn’t me!,” Xander was quick to clarify, holding his hands up for elucidation and pushing away from the ladies.
“It’s not my fault your boob squirmed into me.” Buffy giggled, “I never knew you were such a breast girl, Wills.”
“Naughty thoughts!” Xander panted as he helped both girls off the ground, “I say this with all the love for you in my heart, Buffy- Please stop talking.”
Willow looked at the smiling faces of her two best friends as everyone brushed off the dirt from their clothes and felt teary eyed again, “I just wanted to… Thank you. For everything.” After hugging both good night as tightly as she could to express her love and gratitude, Willow left the campfire area in silent meditation.
As soon as the redhead was far enough away, Xander turned to Buffy and asked, “Things ok with our brave little toaster?”
The Slayer was already skewering her marshmallows as she readied to make s’mores, “They will be. I just know it.”
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