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 Post subject: One-Shot- Trying my characters as a couple...
PostPosted: Mon Nov 30, 2009 8:18 pm 
3. Flaming O

Joined: Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:48 am
Posts: 114
Okay, so I started a new novel the other day, and the two main characters, Lucy and Jessica, are just close friends. But I just got the idea in my head that they might be something more. Knowing I could never actually write that into the novel- I would never hear the end of it. Really. My school and everybody I know are really homophobic except for my one friend, who is actually bisexual herself, but hasn't told anyone but me. Calling people 'lesbians' or 'homosexuals' is a way to insult at my school. So I decided the write this one-shot, just to get the idea done, and I was wondering if I could have other peoples' opinions...?

I'll post a brief description of each character mentioned, just so those who bother to read it aren't completely lost xD


Lucy (Luce)- Fifteen years old. Older sister of Megan, Kayden, and Maddie. Usually quiet, thoughtful. Considerate of others' feelings. Abused by her father when younger. Currently going out with Jessica.

Jessica (Jess, Jessie)- Fifteen years old. Older sister of Jamie. Loud, confident, obnoxious to everyone who isn't Lucy, Megan, Kayden, Maddie, or Jamie. Parents killed in boating accident; lives with Grandmother, who doesn't approve of her being gay. She is constantly rebelling and getting in trouble because of it. Big fan of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Currently going out with Lucy.

Megan (Meggie)- Lucy's younger sister. Age eight. Kayden's twin. Best friend of Jamie.

Kayden: Lucy's younger brother. Age eight. Megan's twin.

Mataya (Maddie)- Lucy's younger sister. Age 2 1/2.

Jamie- Jessica's younger sister. Age eight. Megan's best friend. Parents killed in a boating accident; lives with grandmother.


Title: Untitled.

Rating: PG-13 for language and topic.

Feedback: Appreciated! ^.^

Note: This is in Lucy's point of view~


“You ever think about getting married?”

I tipped my head back, squinting against the sun, then craned my neck. Jess had her eyes closed still, her face turned upwards towards the warmth of the sun, but she looked distinctively upset. There were little lines on her forehead, at the corner of her eyes, lines that only appeared when she was worried about something or thinking hard. She was frowning.

I lifted our entwined hands from between us, and kissed one of her knuckles, automatically trying to bring her comfort. “Not really. I mean, I’m only fifteen. But I think if I wanna get married to anyone, it’d be you.”


“Yeah.” I smiled gently at her. “But why? What’s up, baby?”

“Nothin’. Everything’s five-by-five.”

I propped myself up on my elbow, resting my cheek against the closed fist of my right hand, and studied her expression, wiped free of any emotion. “Using phrases I am unfamiliar with will not distract me from the fact that you’re lying.”

She opened one eye, looked at me for a moment, then closed it. One side of her mouth cricked up. “You know me too well.”

“Better than myself.” I squeezed her hand while my other slid down to cup my neck, a position I’d found myself favoring more and more since I’d met Jess- comfortable, but still giving me the ability to see her easily.

“What brought this on?”

“Five-by-five is what Faith said in Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” She said, avoiding my question, “Meant things were cool, or she was. Or something. No one was really quite sure exactly what five things were by the other five things on the show.”

“Jessica,” I said sternly, “Honey. Stop changing the subject. Why were you asking me about marriage?”

She was quiet for a moment. Then she sighed, opened her eyes, and studied me, her eyes tracing the contours of my face intensely in a way that was familiar, but still thrilling to me. “It’s just that…I know we’re too young now, but, later, if we were together…” She trailed off for a moment uncertainly, then shook her head slightly, and continued. “I mean, what if by the time we’re old enough, gay marriages are illegal everywhere?”

I frowned. I hadn’t really given that much thought before. I dropped down onto my side, cushioning my head on my arm so I still had a good view of her. “Marriage is just a piece of paper, baby. We can be together forever without it.”

She smiled bleakly at me. “Guess so.”

We were both quiet. I examined her, knowing that she had more to say on the subject. “But?”

She sighed, closed her eyes, and flopped her forearm over them; she knew all too well that if they were open, I would search them for her true feelings. “It’s just…official, ya know? If we were to…get married, you would be mine officially, right until we died. Since, ya know, I’m damned regardless, and there’s no chance in hell you’ll be following me to where I’m going.”

I felt my mouth pull down at the corners at the sudden vulnerability in her voice that she tried to hide with dark humor. But I knew her way too well to be fooled. “Your grandma been giving you a hard time again?”

Jess smiled bitterly. “She just doesn’t understand why I can’t ‘get over you’, as she so bitchily puts it. I tried explaining to her that, ya know, you’re the most amazing person to ever walk the earth, but she won’t listen. She’s been keeping Jamie away from me, too. Most likely so she won’t witness my perversion. Heaven forbid she start to think that me liking girls is a normal thing.”

My frown deepened. Now that she had mentioned it, I had noticed that her grandmother had kept Jamie away from me as well. I had hardly seen the bouncing little girl lately; Megan had been complaining about Jamie being busy a lot as well. “But she’s your baby sister. She doesn’t have the right to take her out of your life. God, I think she’s been keeping Jamie away from Meggie, too. Just ‘cuz she’s my younger sister.” I felt myself pale as suddenly realized the reason for Jamie’s prolonged absence.

Jess’ eyes flew open. She sat up straight with a jerk. “That bitch.”

I put my arms around her in an attempt to calm her, but she didn’t respond to me; her back stayed rigid. “She’s just trying to do what’s best for Jamie, in her own twisted little way. And there’s no need for name calling. She did take care of you when your parents died.”

That seemed to dissolve a bit of her anger; she made a face. “Yeah. With rules so tight I couldn’t breathe. She was so obsessed with ruining my life she never actually took the time to really look at me. See me and love me just the way I am.”

I smiled weakly. “You’ve always been a restless girl. But that’s what I love about you.”

The rest of her anger disappeared. She sighed, and visibly deflated, leaning back into my embrace. “Mom and Dad would’ve understood. If they were still around, I wouldn’t be grounded for sneaking out to see you, Jamie wouldn’t be discouraged to spend time with me, and you would’ve been allowed in the house whenever you wanted to come over. I mean, they probably would’ve had rules, but they wouldn’t have denied your entry completely.”

In an attempt to lighten the uncharacteristic despair that seemed to be determinedly clinging to her, I said teasingly: “In your grandmother’s defense, she did catch us with my hand up your shirt.”

Jess smiled, but the smile didn’t brighten her eyes. She closed her eyes, and sighed again.

I couldn’t bear to see her like that, so upset over something I had caused. I turned her in my arms, and tilted her chin up with one finger, searching her expression. “Hey. No need to be so sad, beautiful. We got each other, don’t we? S’all that matters.”

She nodded. And then she opened her eyes, and stared at me for a long moment. A single tear trickled down her cheek; I lifted my free hand, and wiped it away with my thumb, cupping her cheek then bringing her closer so I could kiss her forehead.

Her fingers curled more tightly around mine. “God, I love you, Luce.”

I smiled, and pulled her closer, encouraging her to let her head rest on my chest. “Love you too, beautiful. It’s gonna be okay. In three more years, we’ll be outta this place. Then we can get our own. And we can get married.”

“That place better have a lake.” She sounded almost exactly like her usual teasing self. That lightened my heart a bit.

I smirked. “‘Course it will. No chance in hell we’re getting somewhere without a lake. Where else are we gonna lose our virginity?”

She choked out a laugh. As strained as it was, the laugh still warmed me.

I shifted our bodies so I was leaning against a nearby, supporting Jess. Her forehead rested just above my heart. I placed a kiss on the top of her head, then dropped my head back to rest against the tree.

“So…how’s your Mom been taking this?”

I grimaced slightly. “The me being gay and having a girlfriend thing? Great. Too great. She’s very enthusiastic about it, tells me all the time not to take crap from people, always wanting me to bring you over. I think she’s just happy that I’m actually talking to her civilly.”

She chuckled. “You know, I don’t know why you hate her so much. Your Mom’s great.”

I ran my fingers through her hair absently. “I really don’t know, honestly. I think it’s just that…she took all that shit from all the stupid drunks she brought home in a pathetic attempt to make our lives better. It just made things worse for Meggie, Kayden, and me. And then she went off and had Maddie, and I had to watch over the kids, make sure nothing happened to them. When those men tried to hurt them, I had to take it. I couldn’t let anything happen to them.”


I smiled, and stroked the length of her jaw. “You’re sweet. It wasn’t so bad most of the time. A slap here and there, an occasional punch. Mostly verbal abuse. My Dad was the worst.”

“You seemed pretty pissed when I asked about him comin’ up. I’m sorry about that.”

I went back to playing with her hair. “It’s okay. Really. You didn’t know. Dads aren’t supposed to do those sort of things.”

“I can’t even imagine it. I mean, my Dad was so supportive of me. Whatever I wanted to do, whether it was flying a cardboard box to the moon when I was four or taking singing lessons when I was eleven, he was always right behind me. Him and Mom both. Always supporting me, ready to cheer me on. They never missed one of my singing recitals, and they always stood up and clapped for me. Standing ovation.” She paused, then laughed quietly to herself. “Even though I was god-awful at singing.”

“You’re good at singing,” I protested.

She finally lifted her head, raising her eyebrows incredulously at me. “No, you’re good at singing.”

I was about to argue, but the single look she gave me shut me up. There was no point; she was way too stubborn for me to win any argument with her. So I stayed quiet, and she, satisfied with her victory, dropped her head to my shoulder.

“You’re so stubborn. Most of the time it’s endearing.” I smirked a bit. “But right now it’s kind of annoying. I’m trying to give you compliments, and you keep rejecting them.”

She twisted her head so she was looking up at me, her green eyes unblinking. “What’s there to give compliments about?” At first I thought she was joking, but then I realized she was completely serious.

“Hey.” I gave her shoulder a little shake, then ran my thumb across her cheek. “There’s everything to give compliments about. Do you really have no idea of how amazing you really are?”

A hint of a smile touched her lips. “Must be pretty amazing to have you interested in me. All bow down before the mighty Blonde Goddess.”

“Oh, hush.” I shoved her away playfully; she laughed, then settled down next to me again, her arms snaking around my waist to pull me closer. She rested her cheek on my stomach, and closed her eyes; a small sigh escaped her lips.

I smoothed a few strands of her fair hair between two of my fingers, watching the sun reflect off them thoughtfully. “You know, the first time my dad hit my mom, I was standing in the room. I was only eight, and Megan and Kayden were only a few weeks old; they were laying in a playpen nearby. Dad and Mom had been drinking; Mom said something he didn’t like, and he just exploded on her. Slapped her right across the cheek.”

She squeezed my hand. “Lucy…”

“I was furious with him. I flew at him, punching and kicking him as hard as I could. He packed a good punch. One hit sent me bouncing off the wall.”

She stiffened in my arms. I ignored that, still absently smoothing pieces of her hair between my fingers, holding them up so the light made them sparkle.

“In seconds, he had me black and blue. By that time, Megan and Kayden were wailing. Mom was unconscious, he’d hit her that hard. I thought I was gonna die right there, but, all a sudden, he just…stopped. Stopped, backed off, and went to his room as if nothing had happened. I slept on the kitchen floor that night; I couldn’t move, and Mom still hadn’t woken up. But when I did wake up, I was in Intensive Care. Dad’d broken two ribs and my nose, and I was covered in bruises.

“God,” Jess breathed.

“I asked them what’d happened. They told me I’d tripped and fallen down two flights of stairs; they told me I was unlucky, and had fallen in a certain way that I’d broken the bones. I argued with them, told them what I remembered, but my Dad assured them I was delusional. He was all over me that day, and while I was in the hospital. The perfect father.” My tone darkened.

She sat up straight, and twisted in my arms, pulling her hand free from mine so she could bring both of hers up to cradle my face. “You are the strongest person I know. That was…god, that’s so awful. You didn’t deserve it.”

“I’d always thought it had been my fault, something I’d done.” I shrugged, keeping myself impassive, making sure I didn’t meet her eyes for the fear I’d break down. “After that, I always kept an eye on the twins. Protected them. Have ever since. When Maddie came along, it was the same for her.”

She placed a trail of kisses along my cheeks; it was only then that I realized I was crying, and she was kissing away each single tear. So much for not breaking down. I looked over at her, and swallowed the rest of my tears. “God, Luce.” She kissed each eyelid, the tip of my nose. Then she traced the length of my jaw with her lips.

I tightened my arms around her, brought her closer. She kissed each corner of my mouth before finally sliding her lips over to meet mine.

We kissed for a long time, just a slow, tender kiss. A comfort. And when we finally pulled away from each other, my tears had stopped completely.
She dropped her head to my chest again, pressing her ear against my heart. She was quiet, hardly breathing, her eyes closed. She looked peaceful enough to be sleeping, but I could feel her shaking.

I touched her cheek, a bit concerned. “What’re you doing?”

“Listening to your heart.” Her voice was thick. “The thought that it almost stopped beating scares the hell out of me.”

I closed my eyes. “It’s still beating. Guess it knew that somewhere there was someone waiting to take care of it.”

“God,” She gasped around another onslaught of tears, “I’ve never heard anything more beautiful. ‘Cept maybe your voice. Or your laugh. God, I love your laugh. Don’t ever leave, Lucy.”

She was starting to hyperventilate; the panic scared me. “Hey, hey.” I gathered her into my arms, pulling her up to lean against me again. “Shh, beautiful. It’s alright. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She turned her face into my neck, and sobbed. I just rested my cheek on the top of her head, closed my eyes again, and held her.

We sat in silence for a long moment. Finally, Jess sniffed, lifted her head, kissed me briefly once more, and then curled up against my side, mopping at her eyes with her collar of her shirt. “‘Least your Mom’s taking it well,” She said softly.

I opened my eyes and smiled down at her. “Yeah. A little too well, quite honestly. I think she’s like a closet liberal or something.”

Jess looked over at me, studied my expression for a long moment with an unreadable expression. And for that moment, I thought was going to pull away from me. But she didn’t.

She just laughed.

|Saving Grace| |The Cross||Never Let You Go| |Keeping Destiny|

 Post subject: Re: One-Shot- Trying my characters as a couple...
PostPosted: Thu Dec 03, 2009 2:35 am 
23. Volumey Text

Joined: Tue Apr 26, 2005 10:39 pm
Posts: 3787
Location: UK
Very promising,I like your writing style.

 Post subject: Re: One-Shot- Trying my characters as a couple...
PostPosted: Sat Apr 17, 2010 9:14 am 
4. Extra Flamey
User avatar

Joined: Tue Aug 18, 2009 7:23 am
Posts: 208
Location: France
Nice! your writing style is great, the story is good also, i already like the characters, but not the abusive father part >.> .
Is there anymore? or is it a one off thing ? or are you still writing and i'm going on too long ?

my point still stands, its great!

Strange Awakenings - Heaven

 Post subject: Re: One-Shot- Trying my characters as a couple...
PostPosted: Thu Jun 17, 2010 9:57 pm 
3. Flaming O

Joined: Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:48 am
Posts: 114
I'm not quite sure what I want to do with this. I may write an entire novel, I may not. I love the characters to bits, so I don't want give up on them quite yet. ^.^

Thanks for your wonderful comments!

|Saving Grace| |The Cross||Never Let You Go| |Keeping Destiny|

 Post subject: Re: One-Shot- Trying my characters as a couple...
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2014 10:56 pm 
11. Fish in the Bowl

Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 1:35 pm
Posts: 1487
Topics: 2
Location: California

Wow! Powerful . . . touching. I liked the physical detail, how they touched, looks, shifts of movement and expression. Vivid - you see it. The bit about a "nearby" wasn't clear to me. Maybe it's a typo or some word I'm unfamiliar with. The conversation drew me in, I care about them. The cast of characters isn't needed, you give us what we need to know in the conversation but it's not terrible to add it in - just want to give you credit for not needing it. I'm interested, I know it's been a long time but I'd like some more.

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