Trom! (everytime I type this, I think of TRON. I love TRON
)
I think this may be the first time I've popped into this forum, umm ... ever, actually, and I was just kind of scrolling through the topics when 'Building Briar' caught my eye - for a very specific reason, that I'm not going to get into
I'm actually kind of excited that it's a work-in-progress in that you're planning on rewriting this ... it's much easier to give feedback on something when you know it's definitely being rewritten.
I love opening with the flashback. I'll go ahead and agree with the other feedback saying that the content of the flashback could use some work - but I think from what you and others have said, you've got a fair idea on how to go about that.
So I'd like to mention something that hasn't been mentioned. This flashback has no immediacy, because no one is actively thinking about it (actively thinking ... who knew?). It's an easy fix, and allows you to work in a few other good things. If you add a few paragraphs in before 'Briar Conklin slid out of her 1978 Winnebago ...' you can get a smooth transition, make the flashback more immediate, and work in some details about your character.
I'm going to give some specific examples, which you can disregard or use as you see fit. Firstly, I'd make it clear that this is Briar's memory (but, as I don't know the details, you may have a reason for wanting to keep this unclear), and I'd have Eri aware of the entire thing (which, again, there may be a reason for not doing - but I'm getting the sense he's going to be a sidekick/character foil, so it might be a good idea for him to know pretty much everything about Briar).
This allows you to get in Briar's physical reactions to the memory. Is this a near PTSD kind of flashback where she's actually having uncontrollable physical reactions, like a sped-up heartbeat, a sense of feeling colder than she should, shaking, sweating, all of the above, a few to various degrees, or none at all? Also - is Briar a girly-girl or a tomboy? Is her hair long or short? If she's a girly-girl and thinking about something, she probably bites her lip and/or twirls her hair around a finger. If she's a tomboy or (dare I say? Because, y'know, she's not necessarily a lesbian just because she's on the Kitten?
) butch, she perhaps presses her lips together and runs her hands through her hair - allowing you to descrive her hair: color, style, etc.
Eri, as the sidekick/character foil (again with my assumptions), could poke his head in from the back and ask if she's thinking about Elden. Her blue eyes can flash (getting in the description again) with anger or hurt (tomboy or girly-girl?), and then she can get out of the Winnebago. This establishes that the subject of Elden is taboo. And how would Eri ask? Is he cautious in the question, yet sympathetic and supportive, or vaguely disapproving? The former would imply a brotherly relationship and/or a crush he knows is unrequited and always will be, while the latter implies he's interested and possibly a little jealous of someone who is, presumably, dead.
I think you've got a solid start, and I hope you don't take this as a backhanded compliment, because that's not how it's meant: this is very impressive for a first draft. I find it very readable, and your description of the house is excellent - I generally kind of skip through description because I tend to find it boring
, but I read every word of this. I'm hoping you'll be posting revisions as you write them, because I'm very interested in reading them.
-Sass