There's nothing really to introduce this with...I wrote it for just one person...all I ask is that she accept it with an open heart.
Last night you told me that everything was good now. You took my hands and kissed me softly. You hugged me and said that all was forgiven. That the time we needed had passed. You smiled and it was true, and the tears that softly fell down my cheeks weren’t from the pain anymore. I was finally crying because I knew it was okay. You were mine again, and I have always been yours. You gave me your heart with complete trust, and this time we both knew I’d never break it again. It took losing you, the most amazing thing in my life, to realize just how amazing you were…are. Then you wiped my tears, and you said, “Darling, it’s okay. I want to be yours again. I trust you with everything I am. I love you so much.” You kept kissing me, and telling me how much you loved me. And I collapsed. I fell to my knees and hugged your legs and told you how sorry I was, and I promised that I would never let you go. I broke down right in front of you, not scared any more to be weak in with you. I vowed that forever and always I would be the person you could trust, the person you could love and never want to let go of. You got down on your knees and held me close. You rocked me softly. “Shh, Darling. It’s okay now…it’s okay. I’m home.”
This is when my fantasy left and I was left with reality. I woke up in bed alone and cold. After a moment, I remembered what had been playing in my head as I slept. And it was in this moment, that my heart broke again. I curled into a ball as my sobs caused my body to shake. My pillow became soaked with my tears. My head started pounding, my stomach started churning. I couldn’t breathe. I remembered that you were at home in your own bed, having your own dreams, crying your own tears, and I couldn’t call you mine. All I wanted to do was pick up the phone, hit speed dial one and listen for your voice. It’s been a month since I’ve heard your beautiful voice. I wanted to beg you, plead with you…to just come back home to me. Just to give me one more chance…to say that all the time we needed had passed. I wanted you to hold me, I wanted you to dry my tears and keep me warm. Most of all, I wanted to look into your incredible eyes…I wanted to tell you that I could promise you so much more than I ever could before. I wanted to declare my love for you, with my own voice…and tell you that I would never hurt you again…that I could be your Wonder Woman now…that nothing bad would ever happen.
I could write a million pages telling you how I feel about you, how sorry I am and how much I love you and want you back. But it will never be enough. I still have a hard time saying you’re my ex…I still practice my signature with your last name…I still write poems about you, and I have endless amounts of unsent love letters. And still every night I look at the moon and send my love, hoping you look up to receive my message.
And every time we talk, I have to keep so much inside. All I want to do is just beg you to come back to me. All I want is your trust and faith in me that I will never hurt you again, because I know I never will…not again. I’ll never say the words I said before, the ones I never meant.
I wish you would give me your heart again, and know that I will protect it until the day I die. But you won’t…not yet…but some day. Knowing I hurt you so much that it takes so much time…it makes me understand a little bit more everyday the ways I hurt you. You have all the control right now…and I think you know that. Whatever happens with us, when it happens…it’s up to you. I won’t push, I won’t fight you, or with you. I won’t do things to make you unhappy anymore.
With out you, I felt so lost and afraid…like I was in the middle of the ocean, with no where to go…but now I realize, I’m still in the sky on the clouds where you left me…the clouds that you lifted me above.
The experiences in this life I had before you, the ones with you and the ones without you, have all helped me grow. But now I know my strength, and I know how to fight for the freedom from the pain and hurt that has weighed me down my whole life. I no longer have that fear that caused me to hurt you. I now know we won’t end up like them, we never could.
And still, I find myself day-dreaming. I think of the ways you could say that you’re coming back to me, I think of what your voice sounds like, how you look now…I finally settled on what you would say though…the words that would let me know we would become one again. “Jayma, darling, I love you with all that I am, and all I want is to be yours again…starting right now.”
I can’t tell you what will happen to us…we both know all we need is time. We know now that love can’t heal all wounds…only we can do that. All I ask is that you come home baby, and give me one more chance, because it’s all I need.
~Jayma Faye
I LOVE MY KARE-BEAR
Edited by: fairydust at: 4/5/04 5:17 pm