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What my best friend said: I want to make friends, but I always keep myself at a distance. It's not conscious but I guess since my friendship with K___ went kablooey, I just figure... friendships go kablooey.
What I said: I guess that makes sense.
What I really meant to say: What the hell about our friendship that's lasted over 10 years? What about your friendships with E and L and M that have lasted just as long? What about your friendships with G the last 6 or 7 years and Ki the last 4 or 5? Do none of us mean anything? Do *I* not mean anything? You're my best friend. I read practically every word you ever wrote and told you it was all wonderful; I was one of only 3 people you told when you created your psuedonym, cause you said I knew you writing well enough to tell it was you; I spent hours and hours back in 6th grade meticulously editing "Nicole," your 100+ page novel, and have proudly called it one of my favourite books all these years and told you over and over that you should keep writing. I was in love with you for 3 years. I was the one you and K would call when you were having playful arguments and needed a mediator, and the one you and K would hang out with after she'd been staying with you a couple days and you needed a little contact with someone else; E played these roles too sometimes, but I was the one who never complained, who was happy to be with yall even if it was still very much B & K's world. You were the only person who ever invited me to eat lunch with them in 8th grade. You helped me study for every geography quiz Freshman year. You were pissed when I switched schools, cause you said you'd miss me, and were the only one to seem glad when I switched back. You held me as bawled my eyes out, even though I wouldn't tell you why, the night I realized you'd never love me. When I told you that I needed some time away from our friendship because I was in love with you and it was too painful be so close to but not close enough, you nearly cried telling me how much you'd miss me if we didn't talk or hang out anymore, and you convinced me that any amount of pain was worth it as long as I had you in my life. Your freshman year of college, when you felt so alone cause everyone but you and me had moved away for school and you hadn't made any friends and (though we didn't know what it was yet) your bipolar was kicking in, I was the one who came over every single time you called and hung out for as long as you needed me, even if it meant getting home well after midnight on a work night. I was the first one you told when you started cutting yourself, and I like to think I was at least a little help in getting you to stop. I was the first one you told you were in love with K, and the main one you talked to as your friendship with her fell apart. I helped convince you to seek therapy, and supported your decision not to take meds. II talked to you when you needed it, and you talked to me when I needed it. We baked a complete failure of a buttermilk pie together and made the most disgusting peppermint eggnog known to man. You tried to teach me how to cook a dozen times before giving up, and now when "we" cook you won't let me in the kitchen. Back before you moved to Montana, when you thought about moving to San Antonio I thought of going too because I couldn't stand the thought of not seeing you all the time; I even thought briefly of moving to Montana, because you are my person. You're the girl I've played hundreds of card games with, with whom I've worked on numerous puzzles (and even finished a couple), the girl I spent hours and hours and hours writing a bucket list with (even though you made fun of many of the things I put of my list, but I made fun of somethings on your list as well, cause that's what we do), the girl whose life I helped map out one night when we were both half asleep, the girl who got me addicted to Firefly and Castle, the girl whose parents never liked me but always welcomed me into their home because they knew I was a good friend, the girl who used to randomly play with my hair when she needed to fidget, the girl who calls me up (from several states away) and asks if I want to go grocery shopping with her and proceeds to talk to me as she picks out food, and the girl who every time we watch a movie lays half ontop of me. You are my best friend. You mean as much to me as anyone in the universe, but I'm still not K so I guess I still don't count. The fact that I have been there for you for nearly 11 years doesn't say a damn thing about friendship. The fact I think you're one of the most amazing people I've ever known and would be lost without you doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not the one you used to horse around with or write stories with, I'm not the one you were in love with, I'm not the one who abandoned you, so I don't matter.
I am not going anywhere, not ever, and our friendship has never gone kablooey and never will. I thought that meant something to you, cause it sure as hell does to me.
_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
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