WIS: I got into college, and even though it's stupid you were the person I wanted to tell.
WIRMtS: I still want to share things with you, all the time, and it still feels so incredibly wrong to me that I can't. I don't care so much anymore about the relationship. I don't care so much about all our plans for our wedding and our kids and our life. I care that in the last 3 months (and 2 days, but who's counting?) there have been literally hundreds of things that I've wanted to share with you and only you. Things that only you --only we-- would understand. Who else feels the power of Natalie Merchant? Who else would appreciate the beauty of using Leave Your Sleep as a nap CD? Who else would understand why I can't watch anything with Romana or look at pictures of Lalla? Who else shares all my feels about Grey's Anatomy? Who else loves Curious Wine and would understand why it hurts to not have a copy? Who else would squee over my building a SnowTARDIS, or having flurries in April? Who else would love meeting a cat named Persephone? Who else could understand why I complain about Percy all the time but chose to get her fixed instead of replacing her? Who else could share my joy in discovering new cheeses? I care that there are still things I can't watch or do or think about, because I can't share them with you; I care that I can't stand to watch Once Upon a Time because I would want too badly to talk to you about Regina's ongoing redemption, and I can't listen to Tigerlily or Ophelia cause half the songs remind me of you and us, and I haven't read Tana French's newest book because you were meant to lend it to me and I'd want to talk to you about it. I got in to college and you're the one I want to share it with, like I want to share a thousand other things. Because you really were my best friend. And I can almost understand why you gave up on us as a couple, but I don't know if I will ever be able to understand why you've shut off any possibility of being friends. Because I *know* there are things you could share with me too. Maybe it's not the big things like getting in to college-- you do have your parents and your siblings for the big stuff, and maybe you've even made a friend or two. But I can't believe you've found anyone else that understands as much as I did, that can understand your excitement over getting to take a lab or share your fascination with something medical; that can jump on board with crazy plans of places to visit, mountains to climb, and actors to stalk; that reads the same mysteries and loves the same shows and will look at every single picture of Lalla Ward you find and agree that she's entirely too beautiful to be allowed; that wants to hear about the Richard Dawkins books your're reading and reads articles about atheism and shares your drive for a secular humanist society. The way we connected... the interests and passions we shared... it was something special. Maybe the relationship did fall apart beyond repair, and maybe I wasn't understanding enough, and maybe we were in too different of places, and maybe all our plans and dreams and promises weren't enough to hold onto. But we had something beyond the romantic stuff. Underneath it all we had an amazing friendship, and I've shared more interests and beliefs with you than with anyone else I've ever known. There were ways that we... fit, ways that in my opinion run deeper than whether or not you're romantically involved. And it fucking sucks that you gave up on that, gave up on me, so completely, because I do believe there was a friendship left that could have been salvaged. Even though you've given up on it, and given up on me, I haven't, and I don't think I will ever give up on you. I wish that you would read the messages I send. There've only been two, and they don't come anywhere close to saying 1/10 of what I want to or 1/100 of what I feel, but I wish you'd read them all the same. I've written you so many other times that I haven't sent. I've thought of you every day. I just wish you still cared, even a little. Enough to at least read what I write, on those rare occasions I'm desperate enough to reach out. I wish I mattered. There are moments when... I wonder if I possibly could have mattered to you the way I thought I did, if you even could have been the deeply caring and kind person I believed you to be, if you can have cut me out of your life so easily and have lost all regard so completely and so instantly. But then I remember our moments together, on your birthday and on New Year's, and I know that somewhere inside you there is that person I saw. I know that woman I loved is still inside you, somewhere, and I wish she'd still love me, even if not like she used to.
_________________ "To days to come." "All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
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