CrazyTaraWitch wrote:
Coming out as gay was never particularly difficult for me. Or at least, it felt difficult with my family and close friends but they always took it pretty well, and I've been open with coworkers and new acquaintances for so long it just feels normal. But coming out as nonbinary feels like a near-constant struggle. My partner and her friends are great, but everyone else in my life... I have to correct my best friend nearly every conversation on pronouns and/or name, though I know she's trying, and my mom just doesn't seem to get it.
But what has been really hard is work. I started a new position almost 6 months ago, and even though it was terrifying I put it in my bio that I'm nonbinary and use they/them pronouns. I'm guessing no one ever read it, because no one ever addressed me properly. I was way too intimidated and nervous to tell anyone face to face. One time a month or two ago I had a conversation with a couple coworkers about trans people and pronouns and I mentioned "I use they/them" but I think they somehow didn't realize I was talking about using them for myself. Nothing changed. I had a meeting with my boss a few weeks ago and brought up being nonbinary; at the time she seemed dismissive, but she asked me questions a couple weeks later, I explained they/them pronouns, and she seemed like she wanted to be respectful. The next day she referred to me as she, and nothing changed. By now I've been working with everyone for over 5 months and the idea of correcting anyone at this point seems... impossible.
I don't like being called by the wrong pronouns, and especially referred to as a girl or lady which happens a lot at work, but I think the main thing that bothers me is feeling like I'm living a double life, like I'm not being honest and open about who I am.
I wish I weren't so scared and intimidated. I wish I could figure out how to be brave.
Yep. Trans is the new gay, and NB is the new trans.
If you're trans, everyone is hating on you.
And if you're NB, everyone is ignoring you or laughing at you.
I'm lucky in that it hardly ever comes up at work, and when it does, it's no big deal.
But my experience is not that of everyone else.
And i'm never sure if people actually register it, or just accept it as 'yeah, they're an oddball. That's what they do.'
Also, i do live in the country that keeps topping the charts for happiness, lack of religion and societal health.
So, not the US.
One thing i do that demonstrates how people don't notice these things, is to refer to everyone by gender neutral pronouns, unless specifically asked not to.
I've been doing it for a year, and so far, no one has noticed
As to your situation, i cannot tell you what to do, or what the right thing is.
But i can tell you what i would do and why, and you can decide if it is helpful to you.
I would do a cost/benefit analysis. Consider how i feel at work every day. Consider how i would feel at work every day, if my identity was known and respected.
And then consider how much crap is worth putting up with, to go from one to the other.
After all, if your job sucks, and you hate it, above and beyond this spoecific issue, it might not be worth it, because your day might not be any better.
If the job is great, other than this one thing, then it might be worth a good deal of hassle to change this one thing.
So me, i consider the worst possible outcome. Usually getting fired. Maybe having everyone treat you weird for a while.
Then i face that, and work through what it would mean, mentally prepare myself for it. PRepare for the worst.
Then consider: is that cost worth it?
Is what I get, my peace of mind, worth that cost?
If yes, do it.
If not, do not.
This will remove most of the stress from the situation. Because I already dealt with it. And now I don't have to think anymore, I just have to do it.
Shut up, because it's just not worth it.
Or step out into the light, because it is.
The only difference between the brave and the timid, is being willing to pay the price.
Now, if the smart thing to do is keep quiet, then nothing need be done.
If however, I decide that it's worth the price, then I need to manage this in a sane way.
Ideally, assertively, but not aggressively or confrontationally.
What I would do, is not make a big deal about it, but don't back down from it.
Don't make a big deal about it, like circulate an email or have a department meeting about it, but be clear.
I would put it on my name tag or desk/door label: "They/Them."
Whenever someone mentions you as 'she' in your presence, just say 'actually, i prefer neutral pronouns like they/them.'
Any time someone sends you an email like that, just send one back 'Thanks for the email, but i use neutral pronouns, just for the future.' and so on.
And forgive yourself.
Admit to yourself, that while it may have made it easier to put your foot down earlier, you are where you are.
And really, it's not going to make that much difference.
So forgive yourself for not doing it earlier, and do it now.
And if someone wants to get into it like on a forum, I just point out, that this is a workplace, not a pub, and that sex and gender are not topics for discussion here, and that maybe they should check in with HR or the boss, if they disagree.
And we are all required to respect each other, whatever our personal beliefs are.
And I have language and habit backing me. Zie and Zir would be a harder sell, but neutral pronouns, like i use for myself, are what everyone uses when they don't know the gender of person X.
Anyhoo, that's my bit. Feel free to PM me, or email me if you wanna chat.
And all the best, yeah?
R