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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:52 pm 
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My stepmom has been suicidal. I think she's doing a little better now; she's been home from the hospital for a week and a half, and she's doing intense out-patient therapy. But it's hard. I still haven't processed a lot of my feelings about it all. The fact that I've been largely kept out of the loop is adding to my negative feelings. But mostly I'm just worried for her and want her to be okay. Our relationship has always been complicated and most likely always will be, but I love her. And even grown my sisters still really need their mom (especially since their dad just moved away), and my nephew should get to have his grandma. Most of all I just don't want her to feel this way, I want her to feel like life is worth living.

Plus even though it's selfish, the truth is all of this has not been good for my mental health.

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 10:52 pm 
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I've been going through it. Although I am at a better place, but I've been reliving all the horrific things I suffered at the hands of my mother. It's all coming to me in one blow. I've been trying to find at least one good memory of her and I can't.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:01 am 
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Blah.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2015 8:49 am 
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It looks like my friend won't be coming for Thanksgiving after all. She thought the train trip was shorter, and now she's decided it's not worth it; she can't afford to fly and I don't think she'd be comfortable with me paying for it. I'm really bummed, especially because I honestly have no idea when we'll have another chance to meet.
Last night when we talked she told me she's in a relationship, and while I know it shouldn't have bottomed me out it did. I honestly can't tell how much of it is because of my feelings for her (and my stupid hope that--as she'd hinted once in the past--when we met she might be interested) and how much of it is other stuff, like her being so hesitant to tell me, or her 'relating' to how alone I am when she has a boyfriend and friendly classmates and a friend in her apartment complex that she hangs out with a lot. I want her to be happy and she deserves so much good stuff, she deserves to actually feel loved for once and I'm so glad that she's letting someone in, but it's also like I'm losing the one person who understands where I'm at. And all this time I've kept this stupid, stupid hope that she could be my person someday, and our whole convo just made me realize that it's really never going to happen. I've wanted her to like me romantically, but so much more than that I've wanted her to want and need me as a friend, to be the one she turns to, to be her support. I've known for a long time it wasn't likely, but I've still hoped; I've still thought that maybe if things changed... And now I realize that that possibility is only getting further away. Because at the end of the day, she doesn't want that.

I do get that 11 hours on Amtrak or 13 hours on Greyhound would suck, and maybe my own willingness to travel that way despite the suckage is colouring my views, but it feels like if it were important enough to her she'd come anyway. She says she's really bummed, but I can't help feeling like it's just not as important to her as it was a month ago. I can't help feeling like *I'm* just not that important to her. And I know that's not fair, that she's always here for me and that she's been an amazing friend, but it's still how it feels. We talk about how we've both always been the one to care more and put in more effort in all of our relationships (both romantic and platonic, plus in my case familial), but here I am being the one caring more again.

I still have all the things I knit her last summer as housewarming gifts that I never got to send because she never gave me her address that I planned to give her when she came, and I ordered her an early birthday present that should be arriving just before she was supposed to visit, and... I just feel so stupid that I actually thought it was going to happen.

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Fri Nov 06, 2015 10:04 am 
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Quote:

CrazyTaraWitch wrote:
...here I am being the one caring more again.

I still have all the things I knit her last summer as housewarming gifts that I never got to send because she never gave me her address that I planned to give her when she came, and I ordered her an early birthday present that should be arriving just before she was supposed to visit, and... I just feel so stupid that I actually thought it was going to happen.

Ctw,
The feeling of someone not loving you like you love them is fricking agonizing...
My Brother is that person for me, we were close until I moved away, and as far as I know we have had no quarrel, he just doesn't really care.
The damming moment for me, was when I was in a terrible place (mentally and emotionally) and was on medical leave, I offered to pay his ticket by plane to
visit me. He was unemployed at the time, he lives with our Mom, and has no romantic attachments.
He said "No". He said he was too busy.
I have slowly learned to love him on his terms, which is that I will always be there for him, even if I have no hope
for reciprocity. Because I care about him I could never leave him in a lurch, I could forgive myself.
You have done nothing foolish or anything to be ashamed of, and certainly nothing to feel bad about. There is no embarrassment in
showing your love, even if it will never come back to you in the same way.


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 10:20 am 
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Ms. Moderator Fantastico
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My uncle just died. I don't really know what to feel, but I guess 'crappy 'covers it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 1:19 pm 
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Laragh wrote:
My uncle just died. I don't really know what to feel, but I guess 'crappy 'covers it.

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you want to talk about it?


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 12, 2015 1:37 pm 
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Ms. Moderator Fantastico
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drlloyd11 wrote:
Laragh wrote:
My uncle just died. I don't really know what to feel, but I guess 'crappy 'covers it.

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you want to talk about it?


Thanks. I'm okay, just kind of needed to express it somewhere.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Fri Mar 18, 2016 2:39 am 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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My dad's an alcoholic, bipolar, diabetic smoker with COPD who doesn't take his meds or check his blood sugar. None of that's new, but last Friday he apparently, in a conversation with my mom, admitted that he needed to go and get help. I happened to call her sometime after this conversation, and we talked about finding him somewhere he could get evaluated and potentially get inpatient treatment (this is complicated by the fact that there isn't anywhere in town that can treat him unless his physical withdrawal symptoms are dangerous to his health, and my parents don't drive). I urged her off the phone so she could make phone calls before 5 pm. My dad's never really coherent enough to get help himself at this point (and I don't know that he's ever made his own doctor's appointment in his life).

So I waited to hear what happened. And waited. And Tuesday afternoon I called her back. She had made one call, found out his doctor was away for a week, and then given up. Didn't try calling the other four places we talked about. Didn't go to an Al-anon meeting she said she was going to attend. So we go over again the places she should call and the times of the Al-anon meetings. She tells me that she'll take care of it in the next two days.

She didn't call on Thursday.

My dad is slowly killing himself and my mom is paralyzed with fear and I'm 1500 miles away.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 5:25 pm 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
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Location: Austin
I am tired of my life right now but I feel stuck. There are so many things I wish were different and so few I feel capable of changing.

I want to move (far far away from Missouri) but my lease isn't up until May.

I want friends but don't know how to make them.

I want a girlfriend but don't know how to find one - and I'm hesitant to seek out a relationship when I know I want to move away in less than a year.

I want to get into pediatric nursing, but it looks like there aren't any openings right now for the part-time position at the women's & children's hospital that I was hoping for to get a little experience before I move.

I want to get ICU experience, but I'm also scared of it since my first attempt went so poorly, and I'm scared to ask my bosses about it. (Plus they're almost certain to say no, because they need me on the floor where I work and they really have no need of me in the ICU.)

I want kids. I want kids so much it physically hurts. Since I was 18 I've wanted to be a mother more than anything. 8 and a half years of waiting and wanting. I've been researching foster care and adoption for the last two years--but I stupidly stayed in my one bedroom apartment so that fostering isn't an option right now, and even if it were I can't try to start an adoption process 11 months before I move cross-country. Last week I called a fertility clinic, got the details of insemination and a starting point on the cost. Having a baby feels like... the one choice I could actually have control over right now. I know it's not the best time. If I got pregnant right away, I'd be having the baby just before I move - which would be great for using up my sick leave at work before I quit, but would also mean a) not having baby stuff when the baby was actually born because we'd be about to move; b) having to move cross-country - on my own - with a newborn; and c) having to reimburse my work for my insurance costs during my leave since I wouldn't be returning from maternity leave. If it took a few tries, I'd be heavily pregnant when I move - making the actual moving difficult, and requiring me to go on maternity leave immediately after starting a new job. Logically, I should wait. Another year of waiting.

A year of everything I want being put on hold.

I am so damn tired of feeling like my whole life is a holding pattern.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2016 3:25 pm 
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Ms. Moderator Fantastico
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My nephew was just born and I'm just terrified about the world he's being born into :(

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 4:07 pm 
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Kind of a bummer erasing all the Christmas specials off my DVR ...

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 10:04 pm 
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I might be putting down two dogs tomorrow as they attacked the other one.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:29 am 
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Location: Austin
It's looking like I'm going to owe around $200 on my taxes :( I was really hoping for a refund, even a small one...

ETA: Once I finally got my W-2 from my old part-time job the $883 I earned took me from a refund of $156 to owing $125... Never mind that I donated nearly all of that money. I know I can afford it, but damn; I could be doing so much better things with that money and instead I feel like I can't afford to make any donations for a month or two since I have to pay the IRS... *grumble grumble*

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Thu Apr 06, 2017 12:58 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Mon Apr 10, 2017 12:45 pm 
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Location: Austin
Starting to realize that it really is a high probability I won’t find a job - not just before I move but potentially for quite some time after. Apparently it requires approval from the Director of Nursing to hire anyone without a Bachelor’s and it’s “kind of a big deal.” It’s hard for me to understand how someone with no experience and a Bachelor’s is more qualified than someone with two years experience, an Associate’s, and a promise to get a Bachelor’s within three years (which is their official requirement). I haven’t been given an official no, but at the end of what seemed to be a solid interview I was essentially told that my chances were very slim because of my degree - and the implication was that I won’t have any better luck with other jobs since it would be a huge hassle to hire me.

There are still two other hospital systems I can try - one of which I really wasn't interested in - but if this one won't hire me that'll be two out of four I've had to cross off, which doesn't exactly feel promising. I knew Oregon cared a lot more than here about Bachelor's, but god damn. I'm not even asking for a job I love, I just want *a job*!

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 6:29 am 
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My grandfather is in prison, and I will probably never know for sure if he actually did what he's accused of. It is so fucking weird, and I don't really know what to do with this information. But apparently his court-appointed attorney thinks he's going to get convicted and never get out, so... It's like, your entire life you think you know who someone is and then suddenly something comes along and you will never again know who they are. Like, if I *knew* he did it, it would be terrible but at least I could work on processing it and trying to reconcile this terrible thing with the granddaddy who writes poetry and loves animals and is the smartest man I've ever known; but because I don't know - will never known - I can't even do that. I don't want to just assume he's guilty rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt - because how awful would it be if he's innocent and his own family turns against him? But I don't want to assume he's innocent either, when I really have no idea - even if I wanted to I don't think I'm capable of it, I'll always wonder. So I'm stuck. And my 84 year old grandfather is going to die in prison.

None of it even feels real.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Wed Jul 05, 2017 10:42 pm 
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My 94-year-old grandmother is in the hospital. She's fallen twice in the past 24 hours, and currently can't stand without the help of two people.

She's lived alone for decades (for the past ten years or so in an independent living apartment). My aunt told me she's not supposed to live alone from now on. She may be moving in with my aunt and uncle, but no one knows anything yet. Just that she's hurt and afraid. Nana's what people call "a tough old bird." It's hard to think of her scared. But she's afraid of losing her agency—the last time she had to move other people called all the shots and she's still mad about it.

I told my family I'll hop on a plane tomorrow if it would help. I don't care about the money. I'd get in a car if that's what it took, though that's a four-day drive. I'm 2300 miles away and I feel helpless. They don't know what's happening, either. I'll go out there in August at the latest.

I called my mom to tell her, but it was too late to call my sisters given it's not actually an emergency. I have a 1.5-week-old nephew, and I hope my sister can send pictures or Skype with Nana while she's in the hospital.

I'm in the middle of a huge project at work, and at least it gives me something to focus on. But I'm worried I'll make a mistake.

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 Post subject: Re: The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)
PostPosted: Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
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Location: Austin
This year seems to just be one thing after another that I never expected and don't know how to deal with.

My mom has hepatitis C. She's most likely had it for about 40 years, which means it's entirely possible my brother and/or I have it. She's not sick yet; we don't even know yet if she has any liver damage. But it could get bad. And to get it treated she'd probably going to have to move back to Texas for a few months since her insurance is worthless when she's out of state.

Until a few months ago she'd never had health problems; a few broken bones and a couple UTIs were the worst she'd dealt with my whole life. She's finally got her blood pressure under control, and now this...

Even with insurance it may be expensive. The old treatment costs $84,000, the new one less but probably still a lot. And I'll pay what it takes - I told her she's not allowed to not get treated just cause of money - and honestly I'd give every dime I have to keep her alive and healthy, but it shouldn't have to be that way.

None of this should be this way.

And I know that she brought this on herself, technically. It's her "fault". But it was 40 fucking years ago and my mother is the best person I have ever known and she doesn't deserve this.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


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