The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

General Chat  || Kitten  || WaV  || Pens  || Mi2  || GMP  || TiE  || FAQ  || Feed - The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe

All times are UTC - 8 hours



Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1394 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 43, 44, 45, 46, 47  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Fri Oct 10, 2014 11:42 am 
Offline
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:22 pm
Posts: 4026
Topics: 34
Location: Ireland
Why did I decide to watch Sex Tape with my mom. The clue is in the title.

Why.

_________________
Amber Benson killed me once.

Check out my finished fics

Current Series: College Confidential ... Adult Confidential ... Hacker Confidential ... Family Confidential


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun Oct 12, 2014 8:47 pm 
Offline
20. Not one Much for the Timber
User avatar

Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2010 6:32 pm
Posts: 3133
Topics: 14
Location: H-Town, Texas
I can't do it all myself, even though I try.

_________________
Shelby - Racing The Rain (IN PROGRESS) / Baby Makes Three (IN PROGRESS) / The Santa Line / Everything She Does...Is Beautiful / Calfornia Grass

"Transform your pain. Release your past. And ... uh ... get over it."
~Willow, Where The Wild Things Are


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat Nov 15, 2014 12:15 am 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
I'm really struggling not to put too much stock in this friendship--and this friend. It feels important that I limit my investment, but it's hard for a lot of reasons, not least among them that I don't really *want* to. She's amazing; if things were different I could see myself falling in love with this girl. And her friendship... when she's present, her friendship is wonderful. But sometimes she's not present; sometimes she doesn't write back, or I don't hear from her for a while beyond a line or two, and it's not that she doesn't care, but she doesn't care as much as I do. It can't matter this much when she promises to write more later because she 'wants to reply properly' but then there's nothing for a week or more; it's not okay how sad it makes me. But I don't know how to value the good stuff without letting the bad stuff in, how to let myself feel that soaring joy when she tells me that I made her smile or that I matter to her, or just when she writes for any reason at all, without also feeling that disappointment when my inbox stays empty day after day.
I tell myself I can't let her matter this much, that I shouldn't be so invested in someone I've only known online for a few months and who doesn't share my romantic interest, but the truth is little in my life makes me actually *feel* lately and she's one of the few things that does and gods I don't want to give that up. I don't want the lows but I don't want to give up the highs and I don't think there's a way to let the good things matter without it also mattering when they don't come.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Wed Nov 26, 2014 12:49 pm 
Offline
3. Flaming O
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jan 28, 2014 5:59 am
Posts: 53
Topics: 3
Location: Manchester, UK
CrazyTaraWitch wrote:
I tell myself I can't let her matter this much, that I shouldn't be so invested in someone I've only known online for a few months and who doesn't share my romantic interest, but the truth is little in my life makes me actually *feel* lately and she's one of the few things that does and gods I don't want to give that up. I don't want the lows but I don't want to give up the highs and I don't think there's a way to let the good things matter without it also mattering when they don't come.


There's no point lying to yourself, it's not fair to you... she does matter to you and that's important.
Sometimes you bond with people online more than in person - because it's all about what you talk about, and the other in person stuff doesn't distract, and that's okay too... besides, you can't help who you fall for...

I know that I get busy sometimes, and when my friends message I want to say more than just, 'hey' back so I want to wait to reply properly - because I want to have a proper convo with them - I just really don't have a second to reply. - so maybe she's being genuine?

And how do you know she doesn't share your romantic interest?

_________________
"I am you know..."


YouTube channel 'T-Sixteen NRG' for my fanvids
www.youtube.com/channel/UCXvNuQHd2HA0BaaVMBIIMfQ
(okay so there's only a few right now but I'm 'new' to it so watch this space!)


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun Nov 30, 2014 6:13 am 
Offline
9. Gay Now

Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:02 pm
Posts: 914
Location: THE OC, CALIFORNIA
I have to be patient and understanding when it comes to other human beings. I won't however do those things if it means compromising my well being and happiness. I am still a compassionate person, but I'm a lot tougher now. I guess because I feel like a woman now. A true woman and knows what that means. To be 32 and how I am now damn!!! It can only mean the older I get the better I'll be. I look forward to knowing my future self. :)

_________________
"I don't have friends, I got family." Dom in Fast and Furious 7
" A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." The Wizard of Oz


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue Dec 09, 2014 11:35 pm 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
LouCy wrote:
CrazyTaraWitch wrote:
I tell myself I can't let her matter this much, that I shouldn't be so invested in someone I've only known online for a few months and who doesn't share my romantic interest, but the truth is little in my life makes me actually *feel* lately and she's one of the few things that does and gods I don't want to give that up. I don't want the lows but I don't want to give up the highs and I don't think there's a way to let the good things matter without it also mattering when they don't come.


There's no point lying to yourself, it's not fair to you... she does matter to you and that's important.
Sometimes you bond with people online more than in person - because it's all about what you talk about, and the other in person stuff doesn't distract, and that's okay too... besides, you can't help who you fall for...

I know that I get busy sometimes, and when my friends message I want to say more than just, 'hey' back so I want to wait to reply properly - because I want to have a proper convo with them - I just really don't have a second to reply. - so maybe she's being genuine?

And how do you know she doesn't share your romantic interest?


Thanks for your thoughts :) I do think she's being genuine in intending to reply later when she doesn't right away, but I guess what I meant is she doesn't make it a priority--and that's okay, but it makes me feel more invested than she is. I know she doesn't share my romantic interest because we've talked about it; she thinks I'm great and is glad to have me as a friend, and she's implied that under different circumstances she might be willing to try, but she doesn't feel like I do and wouldn't want a relationship that started online. I know she cares and I'm happy she cares, but I want to stop wishing that she cared in the way I do and I don't know how to make that happen.

And of course because I'm a genius, I brought my feelings up again recently and now things are awkward--or at least I feel awkward and I'm interpreting that she does. I really care about her and I don't want things to be awkward, but I'm going to need to learn to handle my feelings differently or I fear the friendship is going to fall apart.

(I still don't know how my best friend managed to stay close to me during the years I was in love with her, but it came close at one point to ruining our friendship, even with the fact we'd been friends for years and saw each other almost every day. I fear this newer, online-only friendship where we have no connection to each others' lives likely can't survive a similar situation.)

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 1:56 pm 
Offline
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:22 pm
Posts: 4026
Topics: 34
Location: Ireland
We're having a referendum next May about same-sex marriage. The dates were just announced so the 'debate' is starting up.

Fuck if I'm able to cope with the crap I'm going to have to hear for the next six months. :gnome :crash

_________________
Amber Benson killed me once.

Check out my finished fics

Current Series: College Confidential ... Adult Confidential ... Hacker Confidential ... Family Confidential


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu Jan 29, 2015 3:15 pm 
Offline
25. Cured Boy-wanter
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:44 am
Posts: 4231
Topics: 3
Location: England
Whenever someone likes me I freak out. Someone likes me right now and I think I like them too but I am not sure. I dont know if I am just scared or if I dont like them...someone who claims to like me and initially wanted me cant be bothered with me really only on his terms and now there's this amazing well seemingly amazing bloke who thinks I am amazing too and he tells me how beautiful I am etc but I just cant get this other guy out of my head even though I think I may like this "new" guy do I genuinely like him though or is it just because he seems sweet and complimentary? I have no idea...

_________________
My mother always says that if a person cant say something nice, and be kind then they should not say anything at all.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun Feb 22, 2015 7:46 am 
Offline
9. Gay Now

Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:02 pm
Posts: 914
Location: THE OC, CALIFORNIA
I realized something important. As my woman, my lover you're perfect. I mean absolutely perfect. You do everything and give me everything in all aspects that creates happiness for me and our relationship. What I realized as a woman, not my lover, someone who is separate from me individually isn't perfect. I never saw you as 2 different people until now. Moment of truth is I'm in love with my lover, but am I in love with the woman holistically? Yes, I am! This is an important discovery simply because it means I truly accept you and who you are. Plus, I realized I couldn't be with someone who doesn't want to grow as a person themselves. I understand I can't apply my rules and way of thinking to someone else. Not everyone is going to move at my pace and do the things that I do. As long as your working on yourself and moving forward that counts for something. I'm fortunate to have that with you.

_________________
"I don't have friends, I got family." Dom in Fast and Furious 7
" A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." The Wizard of Oz


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:18 am 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
I don't know how I'm supposed to not fall for the one and only person in my life who tells me I'm amazing.

It's been right about a year, and my feelings haven't gone away. She told me once that she loved the way I see her and wished she could see herself through my eyes. She may not feel about me like I do about her, but she still sees me so much better than I see myself. She and my brit pea seem to be the only people in my life that think I'm really awesome, and there's just something so addictive about being seen that way.

I always say that with my OTPs I fall in love with how they look at each other, and I guess in a way it's the same for me in my own life. I love that she sees me better than I see myself, but still always sees *me*. Having someone think I'm wonderful is pretty much the best thing in the world. Love is a big word and I don't think I'm as far gone as to be in love with her, but I love how she sees me and it's part of why I have such strong feelings for her.

It's hard not to love the one person who sees you the way you want to be seen.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2015 11:29 pm 
Offline
9. Gay Now

Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:02 pm
Posts: 914
Location: THE OC, CALIFORNIA
Hearing and seeing are two different things. There are two outcomes that occur. It either gives or takes. I'm trying to work through certain discoveries about myself and a dear friend of mine. Although I accept my friend for who he is, but I don't like it either. In the end it's not my life so it doesn't make it right or wrong I just didn't like certain discoveries. I guess I'm still processing. I know it takes all kinds, but I truly wish more women had more self respect. It's all part of the game I guess. I'm just glad I'm not part of it.

_________________
"I don't have friends, I got family." Dom in Fast and Furious 7
" A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." The Wizard of Oz


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:33 pm 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
I've never been suicidal, but lately I've been the closest to it that I've been in at least a decade. I don't want to take my life, but I'm to the point of feeling like it wouldn't matter if I weren't here; like a few people would miss me for a little while, and a few more would be momentarily sad, but then everyone's life would go back to normal and it wouldn't really matter. I do have moments of being interested and happy, a lot of them even; but I always default back to this low point, I can go from happy to sad in an instant, and I'm just so *tired*.

I've been on meds for 4 months now and in some ways they've helped, but not enough. And the worst part is I lack the motivation to do anything more. I stopped going to counseling, because I had to cancel one appointment and never rescheduled and then I just... didn't, until I realized there were only a couple week left until graduation at which point I'd have to stop going anyway, so what was the point? Even when I had an appointment last week to get my next prescription, I didn't tell the doctor that I'm still struggling; I just said, this is what I've been taking, I would like to keep taking it. It just felt cursory, rote; I could have made more of it but I didn't. So much of my life feels that way right now.

I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. And I have all these huge life changes coming (graduation, a huge trip, starting my new job, moving) and I don't feel up to handling any of it. I'm keeping my head above water so far, but barely; there are so many things I should have done weeks ago that could still come back to bite me, and I'm barely passing my class but I've done nothing toward doing better and I'm in danger of failing and not graduating and then I'd be royally screwed...

And I'm lonely and the only really friend I have in this state is about to leave and I know I'm going to be in an even worse state once she's gone.

I just feeling like every thing is so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be. I don't know how to do this life thing. And there are moments where I'm not sure I want to.


I know I'll never take my life while my mother is alive, no matter how bad things get. She would blame herself too much (because her mother killed herself and she spent 20 years full of guilt) and I couldn't do that to her. But there are times where it feels like wanting to isn't far away, like I'm not quite there but it's only one awful day away.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2015 8:38 pm 
Offline
9. Gay Now
User avatar

Joined: Sat Sep 24, 2011 7:45 pm
Posts: 961
Topics: 15
Location: Beyond the orbit of Mars and accelerating...
Hey CrazyTaraWitch.

I want to wave my magic wand, and make it all better for you.
But i can't.

all i can do is tell you things that i'm sure you've heard before, and may even sound trite.

It. Will. Get. Better!

The thing that most folks don't get, until they sit down at 4am and think about it, is that nothing matters.
There's no great purpose to life. There's no great meaning to life. none at all.

Now, that may sound depressing, but it's really not.
It means that the meaning of life, is whatever you make of it.

It also means that you can't do it 'wrong.' :)

The right life, is one that makes you happy. As long as it hurts no other.

There was an eternity of darkness before you were born, and there will be after you die.
so make the most of what you have, and don't waste it.


now, as someone who lives with moderate to severe depression, i can tell you that i really know how you feel.
I've been there more than once.
most recently, it indirectly cost me my job. Meh, i'll live.

and the soul-draining horror that got me, was the feeling that it will never change. That no matter what good things happen, it will go bad after that.
And that there's no point, because it will always fall apart, or not matter.
I was depressed.

I want you to live. I want you to be happy.
Because i love you.
You are a human being, and a kitten, and i love you.

So get back to the doctor as fast as possible, and tell them how you are really feeling.
Go back to counselling.

What you're feeling is not new and it is fixable!

and if you need to talk to someone, we're here, and you can chat/email me on azirahael@gmail.com any time.

You deserve to be happy, but i think you need someone more immediate to you than me.

Now go, talk to someone and make a start on being happy.

_________________
“All I feel is sunlight. All I hear is music.” Willow
How i Met Your Mother - By Ariel


My Story: Coming Home


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue Jun 02, 2015 4:58 pm 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
Sometimes it feels like the only thing I'm staying alive for is the desire to have kids someday. But lately I'm realizing, a mentally ill single mother who works long hours at a high-stress job? What the hell can I actually offer to a kid? I know if it were anyone else --if it were my best friend a few years down the line and she was single-- I'd say none of those factors could/would stop them from being a good parent, but when I think about *me*... I'm not enough. I'm never going to be good enough to be the kind of parent I'd want for my kid.

Yeah, the depression is bad. Tonight for the first time I'm having to admit that I'm more than just the-closest-to-suicidal-I've-been. I am having suicidal thoughts. And I can't bring myself to talk to anyone. If all I'm living for is hoping to be a mom someday, and not wanting to destroy my own mother, that's kind of terrifying.

I know I'm not an immediate danger to myself, but it's scary all the same.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun Aug 09, 2015 10:47 pm 
Offline
9. Gay Now

Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:02 pm
Posts: 914
Location: THE OC, CALIFORNIA
My mother died this past Friday and I don't care. You reap what you sow. I was the abortion that got away and she treated me as so. She asked for me on her death bed. I didn't go see her. If anything it upset me more that she didn't bother making the effort to make amends when she was alive and well. Her last words to me when I last saw her was telling me to get out of her life and to leave her alone. I am seriously okay in my heart because I genuinely tried to make things work with her most of my life. My mother was a troubled soul. It does make me feel bad knowing the miserable life she lived. I was raised by a woman who hated herself. I am my mother's daughter for I in the end was the woman she raised. To the rest of the world I am the woman I created.

_________________
"I don't have friends, I got family." Dom in Fast and Furious 7
" A heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." The Wizard of Oz


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2015 12:36 pm 
Offline
11. Fish in the Bowl
User avatar

Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2005 10:11 pm
Posts: 1444
Location: Canton, OH
In my previous post on this website I said I'd probably never post here again, but as the heart and mind are wont to do they changed. I'm here because I have things I want to say though to no one in particular. You ever just need to say things? I do. My moment of truth is really more like moments. So many. The past 2 years has been one hell of a journey. Actually I should say the past 3 and a half. In the end of 2011 the start of 2012 my life was in chaos. I made some decisions that led to a hell of a soul-searching and I made a lot of changes in my life. I walked away from what I think are the worst parts of myself. In between then and now...I don't know. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this other than I need to get all this out. When I moved to Ohio everything in my life changed. I had to break everything I was apart and become a new version of myself. I wasn't happy before and when I made this decision to change it all it was because I could no longer accept the worst version I ever was. When you realize that all you've been is what you see as a terrible person....3 and a half years ago....I was a very scared, very lonely, very sad child inside. I never wanted anyone to get close enough to see her and all I could ever do was lash out. I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. And while I can, and have, apologized profusely I don't ask forgiveness. It's taken me all this time to finally come full circle I think. I thought I had before, but life keeps changing. It disassembles, reassembles, rearranges. When I moved where I am now it took a year of therapy for me to feel like I was at least making a difference. Within a year and a half life broke me again. My grandmother died and I was in pieces once again. But as it tends to go you take the good with the bad and not long after I got married. I can honestly say that part of the past 2 years has been the best. My wife she makes me into possibly the best person I could ever be. She makes me want to be that for her. Even through the bad, through the terrifying, through the chaotic. I am constantly in awe at the way things have turned out. Of course I might not be making sense and the subject seems to be jumping around but I never said I'd get it right haha.

My point is life has broken me down a lot the past few years. Most of it I brought on myself. But you only find your true self when you hit the bottom of the barrel. The past few years since coming here, losing my grandmother, getting married...none of it really sunk in the way I thought it did until about 3 months ago. May 25, 2015 I nearly died at Mercy Hospital in the ER here in Ohio. A freak happenstance. I wasn't doing anything dangerous, hell I was actually safer than I've ever been until it all happened. I got bit by a mosquito at work. That mosquito just happened to carry the West Nile Virus. Did you know there are 3 forms of the West Nile Virus? Neither did I. But since I never do anything half-assed (I'm a full-assed sort of person) I didn't just get it. I got the worst form. Technically my specialist called it West Nile Meningitis. Started with a headache. That simple just a headache. Some nausea came days later. It took 5 days to get bad enough for my wife to force me to the hospital. Funny enough my blood tests came back clear. They gave me some migraine medication and sent me home. The medication worked for the headache for all of 2 days before I landed back in the hospital for an even worse headache. The doctor didn't even have me for an hour before he decided I had acute vascular migraines. He told me to keep taking the medication. Within 24 hours of that diagnosis I was rendered unconscious. Encephalitis had set in. All of the issues I was having, the West Nile, the Meningitis, the Encephalitis separately were easily treatable, or so I would assume. But together....not so much. The afternoon after the doctor diagnosed me with migraines I went into the hospital about 3 o'clock. I was barely coherent. The rest of this isn't a first hand account, but rather told to me from my brother. It took them 3 hours to get me into a hospital room, and by that time I was fully unconscious. They gave me morphine because even unconscious I was groaning with the pain. The doctors, Dr. Kobe and Dr. Steve, told my brother they weren't sure what was wrong with me. They had already taken blood once and found nothing. After that it was apparently a barrage of nurses and doctors and testing, until they finally discovered part of the issue. Meningitis. Which alone can kill you if not treated right, and it had already been left to chance for a week, and as I had Encephalitis that was the infection attacking my brain. They told my brother they couldn't be sure of the extent of the damage until I woke up, but they couldn't even be sure I would wake again once the pressure on my brain was gone. They tried a spinal tap to remove some of the infected fluid. They pulled 2 vials out of my back right there in the hospital room and it didn't work. I didn't wake up. It didn't take enough pressure off of my brain. And until the pressure was gone there was nothing they could do. But it was already 8 in the evening by this point, and I was getting worse nearly by the minute. They couldn't get me to wake up, and I was in so much pain I was still moving and groaning without being conscious. They told my brother that I was going to die. Had him call my family, my wife. They had already done what they could. Taken x-rays, mris, a head scan, I don't remember what it was called. ECT maybe. It wasn't until 11 o'clock that night that they decided to do a last ditch effort. If it didn't work I would die, if it went wrong I could end up paralyzed. This time they took me to the OR. My brother says I never woke up once and he thought that when they left him at the door to the room he'd never see me alive again. He said he'd made the calls already at that point and everyone was expecting his next one to say I was gone. My memory comes in not long after this. I don't know how it happened, there was no one to really tell me the full account but I woke up sometime between the 3rd and 4th vial of fluid they pulled out of my back in the OR. I remember laying on my stomach and I guess I moved or did something and there were 3 nurses holding my shoulders and hips down. I didn't fight it, didn't have the energy until I got really nauseous. I started throwing up right in the OR. Once it passed the doctor asked me if I could move and I remember saying yes. She had me shift to the right and pulled the last vial of fluid out of my back. She was very surprised with all the medication I had been given to make me comfortable that I was even awake. She had me roll over once it was done, I even got back on the gurney myself. When they wheeled me out of the OR about an hour after I'd gone in my brother started crying when he saw my eyes were open and I was awake. He couldn't even talk and I was too tired. All he did was hold my hand. I thought he was going to break it. They took me back to the room, and it was so weird. My headache was gone. I was conscious. And I didn't have any clue what was going on. My brother didn't want to tell me, all he'd say is he needed to call my family and my wife. I'm a bit headstrong so I didn't let him. Instead I made the call. First to my mom, and when she answered the phone she was already crying. She thought it was THE call. Instead she heard my voice and broke down further. She was afraid of never hearing it again. The next to my wife, who didn't answer because while it might have taken a bit of time she did get on that plane. I'd been in the hospital and unconscious since 3, and they'd been afraid of me dying since at least 8. This was about midnight. Then I let my brother call everyone else. But I was alive. Incredibly tired, and slightly nauseous but alive. And still mostly confused about what was really going on. The doctor came back in not long after and told me what was going on. Meningitis, Encephalitis. They didn't know about the West Nile factor yet but they knew something else was wrong because I had more symptoms than I should for what was going on, and they still didn't get all of the fluid out. 6 vials, and it wasn't enough. But it was much better. The next 2 days after that I was quarantined at the hospital and they discovered it was West Nile Meningitis. Doctors and nurses had to wear protective gear to come in and treat me. I was technically still infectious. The CDC was called because it had taken me so long to get treated they couldn't be sure of who else I could have infected. It wasn't until they discovered it was bacterial rather than viral meningitis that the quarantine was lifted. I went through 15 rounds of heavy antibiotics. I was put on nausea medication, painkillers for the slightly reoccurring headache and they took blood twice a day. I also had to go through about 5 bags of saline solution because I was dehydrated from everything that occurred up to me being admitted. 3 days after the procedure I was released. A little weak, a lot tired, and still a little sick but no longer infectious and most definitely alive.

I had follow-ups. I had to get more testing done. 3 months and $17,000 dollars later I've got a full and clean bill of health, and seemingly no lasting damage. No side effects from all of it. And my friends make some new jokes. Like how even West Nile can't bring me down. Or how I am actually dead but so fierce the grim reaper is afraid to come get me (This one was my little brother). I suppose looking back on it now I can see the chaos of it all but in my memory I was mostly just sleeping a lot. It's weird to remember sleeping, just sleeping, and waking up to being told you nearly died. And this time it wasn't something I'd done, not an accident I got into. It was just a freak happenstance. A one off shot that I got bit by that mosquito and yet my whole life changed.

I sit here behind my computer screen yet again a changed woman. One I hope has grown infinitely from the girl I was 3 and a half years ago. I finally started being honest with myself, and yeah I've had to suffer a lot since. Losing my grandmother, an uncle, a large way of life I used to live, and nearly my life, but I've gained so much too. The love of my life, a new perspective, a better relationship with my family, new friends. Everything along the way just sort of turned around and came out for the better after life kept trying to break me. But it didn't. It couldn't.

I suppose this all has been a really long winded way to get everything off my chest to say this: That sad, scared, lonely little girl that was hiding herself and locking everything away that you knew? She's not here anymore. I can finally say I'm a changed person that's no longer hiding. No longer lashing out. I'm good. I'm really good. I'm happy, and healthy, and while I will apologize profusely for the past that's precisely what it is. My past. That is not me anymore. A part of me yes. The past is always a part of you, and helps shape who you become but it doesn't have to be who you are. And I'm not. Even as soon as 3 months ago....I'm not who I was that day either.

I know some will read this and think I want pity for being in the hospital. I don't. Not in the least. I'm perfectly fine and healthy. I'm actually healthier than I've ever been. I don't want sympathy or pity for any of of it. The best thing you could do if you choose to read this is take to heart what I'm really trying to say. You're okay, and you will continue to be no matter what if you let yourself. Don't settle for the worst version of you that you can be. Break yourself down over and over again until you can put the pieces back together in a way you want to be proud of. And most of all don't let anyone do it for you. This is your life. Live it every single day the fullest.

writerfreak :flower

_________________
Nuair a feallionn na focail, labhraionn an ceol (translation: When words fail, music speaks)
Ever meet a dangerous woman? One you know sees right through you? Dangerously attractive, effortlessly intelligent, quietly intense? That's why I married her. We aren't just on the same page, or the same paragraph. We're on the same line, the same words.

Amanda=Soul


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2015 4:14 am 
Offline
25. Cured Boy-wanter
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:44 am
Posts: 4231
Topics: 3
Location: England
There is nothing fair about love or war

_________________
My mother always says that if a person cant say something nice, and be kind then they should not say anything at all.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:31 pm 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
I need to call my aunt and I am stupidly anxious about it. Like, she's my aunt, logically I know there's nothing to fear. But logic doesn't count for much with my anxiety.

It doesn't help that I don't think I've ever called her in my life; I've talked to her on the phone a few times when she's been at my Gram's when I've called, and I've spent time with her in person, but I've never just called her. And now I have to cause I missed a call from her (I can't remember her ever calling me before), and it's not even that I don't want to talk to her exactly. I dunno, anxiety is stupid and annoying.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Fri Sep 18, 2015 1:07 pm 
Offline
25. Cured Boy-wanter
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:44 am
Posts: 4231
Topics: 3
Location: England
I'm in love

_________________
My mother always says that if a person cant say something nice, and be kind then they should not say anything at all.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon Oct 12, 2015 6:42 pm 
Offline
13. Big Knowledge Woman
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 2:07 am
Posts: 1822
Topics: 3
Location: Neverland
I meant to post this quite a while ago, but life kinda got ahead of me. I was starting to feel run down in my job, not happy with the way the company was going, and started looking around to see what other opportunities might be out there. I wasn't in a hurry, so I really only applied to what I considered to be dream jobs, companies I really wanted to work at doing things I really wanted to do. Well, back in early August one of them came through. Totally unexpected, but it was the kind of offer I couldn't refuse - the only catch was I'd have to move from my old Kentucky home to western Michigan.

To make a long story short, I've been working at my new job for about a month now and loving every minute of it. What a refreshing change! You know the scene in The Wizard of Oz where the movie suddenly turns from black & white to colour? That's what it's like. Mrs. gorn and the kids stayed behind to get the house in shape and put it up for sale, they'll be on their way up here by the end of the week. Maybe the house will sell quickly, maybe it won't. Maybe we'll find a great new place to move into, maybe we'll get an apartment and take our time. Who knows? After all these years it is EXCITING to be doing this again.

I have lived most of my life like this, and so far it has worked, and I will recommend this to any and all Kittens out there. We all have a circle around us that is our comfort zone. Some circles are bigger than others, but we all have one and many people live their entire lives happily within it - nothing wrong with that, but I promise you ... wonderful things can happen when you step outside it.

_________________
I spent most of my money on liquor and women,
The rest I wasted.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon Oct 26, 2015 8:13 pm 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
I'm so tired of feeling like I'm having to search for reasons to stay alive. 'Can't kill myself, it would hurt Mum!' 'Can't kill myself, the cat might starve before she was found!' 'Can't kill myself before January, I'm supposed to visit my Gram!'
Never 'can't kill myself, I want to be alive.' Earlier I found myself mentally composing a suicide note to my mum, thinking of how I could explain it in a way that wouldn't make her drown in the guilt. I'm just so fucked up and there's not even a good reason for it.

A week ago I got my first official eval from my job and it was surprisingly positive. A friend I have yet to meet just made plans to come see me at Thanksgiving. Best friend has been calling and texting more. I'm enjoying most of my coworkers and starting to bond with one of them. A couple of weeks ago I finished a story that's gotten way more kudos than anything I've written before. I might visit home in December, and I'm officially going to my Gram's 90th birthday in January.

I should be okay. I should be okay and I am so fucking far from it that it's ridiculous.

Nothing makes me happy for more than a few moments, and even the things that can do that seem to be dwindling. I don't know how to be happy, or even okay.


I just want to be okay.

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:10 am 
Offline
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
Ms. Moderator Fantastico
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:22 pm
Posts: 4026
Topics: 34
Location: Ireland
CrazyTaraWitch wrote:
I'm so tired of feeling like I'm having to search for reasons to stay alive. 'Can't kill myself, it would hurt Mum!' 'Can't kill myself, the cat might starve before she was found!' 'Can't kill myself before January, I'm supposed to visit my Gram!'
Never 'can't kill myself, I want to be alive.' Earlier I found myself mentally composing a suicide note to my mum, thinking of how I could explain it in a way that wouldn't make her drown in the guilt. I'm just so fucked up and there's not even a good reason for it.

A week ago I got my first official eval from my job and it was surprisingly positive. A friend I have yet to meet just made plans to come see me at Thanksgiving. Best friend has been calling and texting more. I'm enjoying most of my coworkers and starting to bond with one of them. A couple of weeks ago I finished a story that's gotten way more kudos than anything I've written before. I might visit home in December, and I'm officially going to my Gram's 90th birthday in January.

I should be okay. I should be okay and I am so fucking far from it that it's ridiculous.

Nothing makes me happy for more than a few moments, and even the things that can do that seem to be dwindling. I don't know how to be happy, or even okay.


I just want to be okay.


I know this probably seems like a generic response, but if you can please reach out to someone you think might understand. If you don't have anyone close, would you consider calling a suicide prevention hotline? http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ are there 24 hours. You can chat online if you're not comfortable calling. I've been where you are and I know how much it sucks, but sometimes taking a first step to help yourself can be a big relief.

Let me know if I can do anything.

_________________
Amber Benson killed me once.

Check out my finished fics

Current Series: College Confidential ... Adult Confidential ... Hacker Confidential ... Family Confidential


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 5:19 pm 
Offline
30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:17 am
Posts: 5210
Location: Oregon
It has been entirely too long since I've been here.

_________________
G Wing


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:06 pm 
Offline
13. Big Knowledge Woman
User avatar

Joined: Sat Jan 27, 2007 2:07 am
Posts: 1822
Topics: 3
Location: Neverland
Emms wrote:
It has been entirely too long since I've been here.

Me, too!

Hey, everyone! Give us a shout, let us know you're still out there (you don't have to wait until Thursday).

_________________
I spent most of my money on liquor and women,
The rest I wasted.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Wed Sep 21, 2016 6:42 am 
Offline
5. Willowhand
User avatar

Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:08 am
Posts: 320
Topics: 6
Location: Netherlands
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2016 9:17 pm 
Offline
28. Com...plete

Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 8:18 am
Posts: 4809
Location: Austin
I'm not doing what I want to be doing with my life.

For years, I had the best career in the world. I got to do what I loved 5 days a week; more often than not, I was excited to go to work, and many days I was sad to leave. I got to play with babies and toddlers, to teach them and love them and help them discover the world. Out of everything I've loved in my whole life--lovers, family, friends, cats--I don't think I've ever loved anything else as much as I loved working with kids.

But I convinced myself I was never going to make it work be an early childhood educator and a mom, and the only thing I wanted more than to teach kids all day was to have one of my own. And how do you have kids - most likely as a single parent, because who's ever going to want to build a life with me? - on $8/hour?

So I want back to school. I became an RN. In the year and a half since I've gotten an advanced certification, I've shifted into a leadership role and actually done pretty well with it, I've started training/precepting students and new hires. I've paid off my student loans, loaned my mum a bit of money, and saved quite a bit. I've found enjoyment in some aspects of nursing that I never expected to. I don't hate my job.

But I don't feel fulfilled. This isn't what I want or who I want to be.

I want to play with babies all day. To form relationships with little ones that last at least a few months and hopefully a few years. I want to be a positive person in their lives. Ideally, I want to work with kids who maybe don't have the best home lives so that I can provide the attention and love and safety and affirmation all kids need that they might not have anywhere else.

I'm sitting here thinking about my pending cross-country move in a few months and wondering if I can possibly save enough money before then that instead of looking for another decent-but-unsatisfactory hospital job I can find a child care to teach at. Or maybe when I have a kid I can quit and find a daycare job, somewhere my kid could go at a discount. Or I can nanny again, or buy a house and watch a couple kids there, or learn how to run a business and open that school I used to dream about for kids with medical needs so I could combine nursing and teaching all in one...

But I'm still stuck. Even if I can save another 10k before I move, that money's never going to last long once I have a kid--and with potential costs of adoption or insemination, a huge chunk of that could be gone before I even have my kid.

Maybe I can get Montessori teacher training - if I could find a program to accept me with only an Associate's degree - and earn a little more, but that would mean another significant delay in having kids and though the money would be better it still wouldn't be good.

I'm still stuck between what I want personally and what I want professionally, and the two seem woefully incompatible.

I know who I am - a decent enough nurse making surprisingly little impact on anyone's life in a field that was supposed to be so much more - is not who I want to be. But what I don't know is how the hell I get from here to therel

_________________
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.


I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 12:18 pm 
Offline
25. Cured Boy-wanter
User avatar

Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2007 8:44 am
Posts: 4231
Topics: 3
Location: England
The friendship is beyond repair

_________________
My mother always says that if a person cant say something nice, and be kind then they should not say anything at all.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2017 10:18 pm 
Offline
4. Extra Flamey
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:34 pm
Posts: 176
Topics: 9
Location: PNW
What is the truth behind all these long lost souls finding their way back to the kitten board? Emms seriously, welcome back.

_________________
Visit my epic fic As You Wish and my shorts thread F*Series & Other Shorts But don't go visit my rarely updated Official Blog!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 10:18 am 
Offline
10. Troll Hammer
User avatar

Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2005 1:49 pm
Posts: 1159
Topics: 12
Location: Seattle, WA
Drumpf is sworn in... now what? Seriously.

Now. What?

I don't think I've faced a larger Moment of Truth.

March. Donate to progressive organizations.

Do NOT stay silent.

RISE. RISE. RISE!

_________________
Check out some of my most popular works: Special ... Leave It to Giles ... The Inimitable Giles ... Giles at Christmas

Challenge Fics!: You Could Be Her ... Glasses ... Graffiti ... Pizza Day

Forbidden Fics?: Check out the Litterbox!

Oops, I made a mythtake... wt4ever


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun Jan 22, 2017 9:58 pm 
Offline
4. Extra Flamey
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 12:34 pm
Posts: 176
Topics: 9
Location: PNW
Obsessively roaming the kitten board looking for inspiration. Reading other fics again. Reading my own.

Worried, will I ever finish a fic?

_________________
Visit my epic fic As You Wish and my shorts thread F*Series & Other Shorts But don't go visit my rarely updated Official Blog!


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 1394 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 43, 44, 45, 46, 47  Next

All times are UTC - 8 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron

W/T Love 24/7 since July 2000
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group