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 Post subject: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 4:55 pm 
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30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
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Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 7:17 am
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Location: Oregon
Hi everyone… I’ve been thinking…

We spend so much time here on the board, pouring over every little detail of our everyday lives, and then posting those intricate details for the world to see…We say a lot. We know a lot. We ask a lot of questions and hear a lot of answers…but lately I’ve been thinking about the things that we don’t say, to each other, the people in our lives, or even to ourselves.

Is there something that you haven’t had to courage to say out loud, but feel like you need to say it our you‘ll explode? It doesn’t have to be dramatic or witty or original…just honest.

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Last edited by Emms on Sat Sep 27, 2008 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 5:40 pm 
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8. Vixen
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Location: Bottom half of Cali
So this is kind of a "getting to know you" thingy. Cool.

I'm afraid that I may have offended the very sweet Emms with all the monkey business about her flying monkeys. Sorry, Emms. :D Oh, and I'm sure you look wicked hot in your glasses. :drool

I've always felt like I'm not a "good" lesbian because I was married to a man for three years before finally coming out. Heh, how's that for denial? I know, I know...it's silly and it's completely my issue, but it seems to be the catalyst to all my breakups. I'm determined to break the cycle this time.


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 5:52 pm 
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30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
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I can assure you, sweetie...neither I or my flying monkeys were in the least offended. :D but thanks for your concern.

Topic: I lied about the flying monkeys...I don't actually have any. :lol

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 6:23 pm 
I don't think it makes you shallow Emms. Vain maybe but not shallow.
DelWhicker, I too was married. I don't think there's such thing as a good or bad lesbian.

Topic: I'm subconscious about my height. I'm very short.

HUGS
Barb


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 6:27 pm 
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30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
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Quote:
I don't think it makes you shallow Emms. Vain maybe but not shallow.


Gee thanks, barb... :happy :D Way to get into the spirit of the thread, sweetie!! :lol

and, barb...you're not short...you're petite :D

Topic: I think, perhaps, I might be kinda vain... :paranoid

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 6:35 pm 
I was just trying to be truthful Emms. I'll shut up next time. :smash :sh

Topic: I tell friend online more than I tell my real friends.

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Barb


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2006 10:58 pm 
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10. Troll Hammer
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Location: Bundaberg, Australia
You're not the only one with glasses, Emms. I've had them since ... grade 4 or 5? Of course, the difference is that if I don't wear mine, anything beyond ten centimeters away is blurry.

I'm also short, or at least I was. Not so much now. A short, near-sighted(?) bookworm, that's me. :grin

Topic: I don't have anybody in my real life I would call a friend, outside of my immediate family.

Bear in mind, I'm not aiming for sympathy or anything, because it doesn't bother me, I just ... don't see the need for company most of the time. I don't go out much, I never date ... I just lurk in my dark cave, by which I mean my house. :grin

Sometimes I think that makes me weird, or that I'll die alone, but then I get over it and just don't give a crap. So long as I'm content, who cares?

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2006 3:17 am 
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3. Flaming O

Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2005 5:05 pm
Posts: 112
Location: Sydney, Australia
Truth: I like girls. I'm still attracted to the occasional guy, but am definatley not straight.

I'm still almost totally in the closet, and almost 30. :sh I have told one or two friends that I'm into girls over the past few years but that is as far as I have gotten. I basically live a "straight" life with everyone assuming that's who I am.

In some ways the worst thing is that I am almost positive my parents and friends and family would be totally supportive, in fact they would probably be mortified that I was worried to tell them and wonder why I hadn;t sooner.

In a way I just feel totally trapped, like I have just always been waiting for the right time to do something about it, the right time to tell people and actually act on it. And that has just let me avoid facing up to things and being honest about my life.

I've kissed a few girls over the years but have never taken it into a relationship. Part of me feels like I'm lying to everyone around me, that I'm not letting anyone really know me and that I'm still trying to fool myself.

It's not that I'm ashamed or think there's something wrong with me, I just hate being judged. I have this fear of people pigeon holing my because of it. I feel weak, like I am embarrassed that I havn't gotten real with myself and those around me. I know, logically, this is no way to live and I just need to finally get real about myself, live a life that true to me and hopefully be happier. It's just actually doing it that seems so scary, in some ways it feels worse because I have waited so long and I am angry with myself about it.

Anyway, sorry to unload on everyone, I just saw this thread and had this urge to get it out so thanks for letting me vent. This board such a wonderful place.


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 12:14 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Posts: 556
Location: Reno Nevada
My parents wont except the fact that I'm gay.
It's like they know I'm gay, but it's like a smokescreen to them.
As for an example when I was 13, and I told my parents I like girls, they actually put me in theropy. Then they told my theropist I was doing it for attention or something like that.
Or I can never forget the time I was seventeen. I invited my girlfriend (soon to be ex) to a party I was having. My mom had the adascity to tell my girlfriend (who I was dating for 2 years) that I was cheating on her with my ex boyfriend. Now I never kissed a boy, let alone had sex with one. That next day my girlfriend dumped me, in frount of everybody I knew in high school. (Also called me a decitful slut. Cant forget that.) And she never talked to me again after that.
And now, at the age of sixteen the'll still try to hook me up with guys, in frount of my girlfriend's face!
Now, everytime I try to talk about it with them, the'll try to change the subject. Or hurt my feelings by saying "I'm to young" . Or the'll say "I'm just to confussed, and it's a phase I'll grow out of"..
Pretty freaking harsh. But I think what really put the iceing on the cake, was when they said to me while my girlfriend was with me at a dinner,
"You to are entirely to pretty to be a lesbian." :shock
:smash Okay I'm shut up now. :)
So :peace

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- Dana (L Word)


Last edited by willowbaby05 on Fri Jul 07, 2006 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 1:58 pm 
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28. Com...plete
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Location: H-Town
99 times out of 100 I generally prefer the company of a dog to a human...I would have made an excellent hermit...all my life I have pretty much had a serial procession of one single good friend after another...on the whole I really don't care much for people...so I just don't bother with them...mainly because 18 years of working with the public confirmed my theory that most people are either ignorant, morally ambiguous or just plain boring...there is far too much talking and not enough real conversation...that is why I like this sort of thing...it's all about ideas and concepts (and the volcanically hot Amber Benson) and I don't have to listen to inane, prattling small talk in order to get through to the good bits...I can just keep clicking until I find something that interests me...no offense to all of you...there are so many people on this board whose posts I read and think "Damn, I'd like to hang out with her/him in real life" I guess W&T just attract a superior class of folk :wtkiss ;-)


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 2:27 pm 
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19. Yummy Face
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Moment of truth... hmm... lets see how this goes.

I feel lazy because I haven't done better in my career, but then I feel arrogant because I know that I could.

Is that how it's done? :lol... that wasn't so bad.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 9:36 pm 
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14. Lesbo Street Cred
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Heh, we have our own PostSecret thread. Excellent.

Here's mine. I don't want to leave. As Professor Higgins said, "I've grown accustomed to your face."
[br]

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2006 10:41 pm 
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30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
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I just had an unkind thought about someone I know.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 12:26 am 
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15. Apple Sauce & Tuna
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Location: Warwickshire, England
I'm completely apathetic, politically speaking. I mean I vote in every election because women died so that I could, and I'm all with the "Equality: yay!", but other than that...I don't go on marches, I don't wave banners, I don't shout about anything much, I don't know anything much. And I don't really want to.

I sometimes wonder if that makes me a bad lesbian.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 6:51 am 
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17. Mega-Witches
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I'm not sure that I believe in God, I guess I'm 80-90% sure that I don't. But I could be wrong, of course. So sometimes I worry - if I'm wrong, what will happen to me in the afterlife? Will I just fade away because I didn't believe? Will I be relegated to Purgatory or Hell? (Are there such places?) Will I be denied entry into Heaven, etc.?

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 8:20 am 
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21. Geek Infested Roots
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i have similar thoughts sally. i stopped identifying as a christian in high school and while i still believe in some kind of higher power, i don't subscribe to christian theology or dogma. but sometimes i worry/wonder about what will happen if i'm wrong.

my moment of truth, in a similar vein:

sometimes after sex (mine is of the lesbian variety), i'll say a prayer asking for forgiveness, just in case it is wrong (which i don't really believe it is) and just in case i die before the next time i do it.

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"Threads that are golden don't break easily." - Tori Amos, "Horses"


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Sun May 14, 2006 6:26 pm 
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8. Vixen
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Um...religion. Tough topic.
I was raised in the Catholic Faith. Church on sundays, confession, holy communion, confirmation...the whole package. I even thought at some point in my life of becoming a nun (don't laugh! I was serious about it, even if I was only 11).
Then when I was 19-20 I realized I was gay and everything started getting harder and harder. But not because I thought I was going to hell...my mind went on a different path. I realized that I couldn't receive the communion if I wasn't in a state of grace, and I couldn't be on a state of grace because I couldn't do confession and I couldn't do it basically because it requires repentance...and I will never be able to use that word when it comes to the love I have for my wife or the way we express that love to each other.
We are all God's creation, and he created us the way we are. I didn't choose to be gay and I honestly don't believe I'm gonna be punished for it, but I do feel excluded from the faith I had eagerly embraced for as long as I can remember.

My moment of truth is related to that: It really bothers me that I can't be a part of my church. That Paola and I can't be a part of it. She's agnostic, so she doesn't really bother...but I do. Sometimes it makes me feel bad.

K.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 1:26 am 
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15. Apple Sauce & Tuna
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Sometimes I really want to punch someone. I can imagine my arm moving, and it feels so liberating.

I don't do it though; I smile and nod and pretend I don't mind.

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"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from." - Jodie Foster


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 8:10 am 
I care too much therefore, I think too much and I usually end up hurt.

HUGS
Barb


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2006 9:16 am 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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oneyedchicklet wrote:

Quote:
I care too much therefore, I think too much and I usually end up hurt.


Right there with ya, sister.

topic: She's paranoid. Accusing me of staring at her. Why would I want to stare at her? I wonder what I ever saw in her. I never thought she was pretty, but she had some sort of hold on me. It was her voice I was attracted to more than anything. I don't know, it's ridiculous. I think there is something wrong with her mind. Schizophrenia runs in her family.

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 2:37 pm 
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19. Yummy Face
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Okay, I think I'm ready to share my truth.

I have trouble sleeping.
Once I'm asleep I'm fine, but I have trouble with the actual getting to sleep because I have a, rather morbid, & completely irrational fear that I'll never wake up.

I've never told anyone that before, I feel all exposed now. :paranoid :yikes

Hugs
Jeanne

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 2:45 pm 
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15. Apple Sauce & Tuna
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Don't worry Jeanne, we are all friends here and you are quite safe telling us stuff!

I can understand that fear, I think we have all worried about it at some point. I hope you can get to sleep OK tonight...

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"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from." - Jodie Foster


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:16 pm 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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I'm scared that a. I won't ever find anyone to love me again... and b. that I won't allow anyone to love me again.

I'm scared that in two years I'm gonna be on my own, and that I won't be able to support myself.

I.. hm. My thoughts just left me. I don't remember what I wanted to say anymore haha. Excellent.

-Ashleigh

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Here I stand, with everything to lose, All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end. Baby please I'm reachin out for you, won't you open up your heart and let me come back in. Lets be us again..


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 3:36 pm 
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17. Mega-Witches
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Good God, a True Confessions thread...

[where do I begin?]

I'm afraid I'll never figure out "what I am" (I mean, if I haven't after 44 years, it doesn't look like it's going to happen?). It's easy enough to say what I'm not: I'm not a gender-normal, heterosexual woman. But beyond that? (That's why I so love the word "Queer": it covers . . . all of my polymorphous weirdness!)

Let's review:

To age 5: I knew I was different, "wanted to be a boy"

Age 5-24: put on a good show of being a heterosexual girl -> woman

Age 24-35: Hey, I like grrls too! Ergo, I must be a "bisexual woman" (from age 32 on, married to a guy)

Age 35-39: CRISIS! All the pre-Age 5 stuff comes roaring back. I am not a woman. Am I a man? Transguy? Am I something else entirely? (Husband walks out on this---probably most of the world would seem him as justified... :paranoid)

Age 39-present: no, I am not a guy . . . exactly (though in terms of my basic sexual inclinations, there are some strong similarities---to a het guy, I mean. {TMI Alert! :shock} I'm definately not into guys anymore, really at all). Am I a dyke? Transbutch? Am I something else entirely?

GG ...but most of all, I worry that my perpetual-state-of-confusion will prevent me from EVER relating properly to the Ms. Right I still desperately hope will come along (if she hasn't already ;-)) Out

Not incidentally, I also worry that my perpetual confusion keeps me a state of perpetual immaturity, as well. Like, maybe I keep getting turned down for jobs I apply for [God, here's another confession: I haven't had a regular paying job since 1994. From 1994-2001, I depended on my husband; 2001-2002 I exhausted my savings, 2003-present, I've been financially dependent on my parents :sob], because somehow I subconsciously signal my confusion/immaturity. Like, I say "Hire me! Hire me! Hire me!", but employers are reading between the lines, thinking "He/She/It doesn't even know what he/she/it IS. Why the heck should we hire this . . . person?"

[I think that's enough confessing for one post. There, now don't the rest of y'all feel less pathetic? :rolleyes]

Oh, one last thing: I'm supposed to be a Christian. "God loves me" and all that good sh*t. But the Truth of the matter remains, I feel awfully alone---awfully . . . forsaken, by any Benevolent Higher Power (that I say I believe in :depressed)


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 4:18 pm 
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Ms. Moderator Fantastico
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Please forgive me for the slight off-topic-ness, but I have to say something. I have been really moved by what y'all have been posting. This is one of those moments when I am sooooo glad to be part of this community, and part of humanity. (I know that sounds kind of sappy, but it's how I feel right now.)

I know I don't participate much (besides being busy with school and such, I am really a lurker at heart), but I love what the Kitten has become. It's a lot like a family, like what a family is supposed to be. And that really pushes some of my buttons, because I've never had that whole family thing in real life. I have a friend from school who has a big family and every time I'm at her house, her mother feeds me and makes me feel so welcome, I almost can't stand it. It's kind of overwhelming and so it makes me a little uncomfortable. I think I am probably starved for that kind of thing and being around it just reminds me of all the things I don't have. Then I wonder if I really even want that, because I also value my alone-time and privacy.

So the Kitten is like the best of both worlds. Make sense? I get the family-ness while being able to keep my privacy.

I am really grateful for you all. Thank you. Great thread, Emms!

:heart

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 9:49 pm 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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Ok, since we're making confessions. This is rather embarrasing and will show everybody what a freak I really am, but I'm just so excited to have found it.

Ok, don't laugh too hard, this was my very first boy crush, after numerous girl crushes, mind you. I think it was the eyebrows. :rofl

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mboup7AEf3s&search=doctor%20and%20the%20medics

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2006 9:52 pm 
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6. Sassy Eggs
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My main confession is that I am scared i will end up dying early like my mom, she had a lot of health problems up till she died. She passed away in her late 40's

I'm still in my early 20's but 2 years ago i was diagnosed with a heart problem much like her, i take regular medication but already i take 4 tablets a day.

Because of the pills i have to have blood tests ever 6 months to make sure my kidneys are ok. I know there are people who have it worse than me, but i guess i am scared i wont live to a good age.

Rachel

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 11:33 am 
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30. Sweaty and Kinda Gay
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I know I can get any childcare job I want; preschool, EC, private.... I have over a year experience working in an educational center. I have over seven years nanny experience with references from teachers, doctors, principles... I've created programs that have had children as young as three reading and writing... but... I don't think it is what I want to do anymore...and I'm afraid that I'm not qualified for anything else...

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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 2:18 pm 
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15. Apple Sauce & Tuna
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I have the kind of debts that keep me awake at night.

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"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from." - Jodie Foster


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 Post subject: Re: A Moment of Truth
PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2006 10:26 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey

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Two years ago, just after I ended an LTR, I was 'injured' from an accidental carbon monoxide poisoning - the long-lasting effects of which have diminished my memory, my ability to organize and make good decisions and even my love of writing. I gave up the novel I was working on until very recently because of it. I started having severe anxiety and panic attacks out of nowhere. I was unable to read books. I would have anxiety in bookstores. It felt like a judgement of some kind - the writer who can't read or write anymore. No one around me could relate to it or help. It broke my faith. Over something incredibly stupid, I felt like I'd totally lost myself.

With the help of an anti-siezure medication I finally started to get my 'feelings' under control and learn to rationalize again. I still have trouble remembering simple words and my anxiety has turned into a pushy sort of doubt that I'll never write again. My faith is still troubled, but I've chosen to keep it rather than believe the opposite. The opposite does nothing positive for me.

I'm still hopeful that I'll enjoy life again one of these days and be sincere about it.


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