A: You don't.

Q: How much did the average American spend on gifts this weekend?

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

A: They've done the calculations and the grand total for the Average American was $3.57. Now the Not So Average American spent much less. Their total came to $.32. Thats also including shipping and handling for those things that were ordered.

Q: What's between you, me and the lamp post?

A: Nothing of significance is between me, you, and the lamp post, either on direct linear vectors, or arcs encompassing that portion of the Earth's surface on surface vectors between the three points - just the usual crust, mantle, inner and outer cores for the former, and cities, farmlands, and Frenchmen for the latter. However, further research indicates that the triangle formed by the three surface vectors, plotted in two dimensions, is equilateral, and remains so at all times, due to myself and yourself moving in a symmetrical fashion (the lamp post, of course, does not move, except for the very slight motion imparted by continental drift - whether or not your and my motion accounts for this slight variance is as yet unknown).

Another curious effect is that the point linearly equidistant from the midpoint of all three triangle sides, when measured against the location of the Great Pyramid of Giza, and multiplied by Planck's Constant, remains in mathematical proportion with the ratio between the distance from the Sun to the Earth, and Mercury to the Moon.

What the greater meaning of all this is remains a mystery. Many suggest it is further evidence of a mathematical basis to all universal phenomena, adding weight to the argument that a single unified field theory can be derived from observed results. Some disagree, and argue that it is merely an example of 'shit happens'. One researcher, Doctor Peter van den von Hoogenhabegruber, PHD, working in Amsterdam, Holland, has published several papers to the effect that this phenomenon is scientific proof that the University of Scotland should continue to fund his frequent and lengthy visits to several notable brothels. No-one is certain how he came to espouse this theory, however the University has acquiesced, so there may be something in it.

Q: Was the boogie actually guilty of whatever was blamed on it?

_________________
Chris Cook

Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

A: Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity.

Q: Why does the phone always ring just when you get in to the shower?

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"Life is nothing but a dream, and if you create your life with Love, your dream becomes a masterpiece of art." - Don Miguel Ruiz

A: Showers have a special sensor installed in them, when any significant weight is placed on the shower tray the sensor sends a message to a group of aliens whose very survival depends on us using the telephone & not showering (they're alergic to running water).
So, when the alien race recieve the message from the shower sensor they send a subliminal message telling whichever of our friends, relatives, acquaintances, etc is closets to a telephone to call us; thus ensuring their survival.


Q: How come an apple a day keeps the doctor away?

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A: All doctors are allergic to apples. Thus, if you consume one a day, you will cause a sneezing fit in any doctor within ten miles of you.

Q: Is honesty really the best policy?

_________________
Everything you think you know, baby, is wrong.
And everything you think you had, baby, is gone.

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A: Nope...actually, all you can eat is the best policy...but honesty comes in a close second

Q: Why do wet dogs smell so much worse than dry ones?

A: To warn the kitties. It is well-known that cats dislike dogs. Imagine what a cat feels about wet ones.

Q: Why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west?

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What can be said about a society that is more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?

A: Because the North and the South are busy playing poker...they are also needing to accept their gambling addictions.

Q: Why does milk come out of some peoples noses when they laugh?

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A spirit is a special thing...it can never truly be broken, and never, ever be tamed. The most calmed spirits out there, hold a wild edge to them...for they are the very essence of a person, and every person is capeable of anything.

A: Better not let the cow's union hear about that or they'll be cheesed off about unfair interspecies competition...and *then* they'll be trouble!!!!

Q: Why does time slow when gravitational force increased

A: It's because time gets envious of gravity. So, in retaliation, it slows itself down thinking that with this maneuver, it will cause the gravitational force to weaken and thereby stopping it from showing off.

Q: why does St. Nick's suit have to be red?

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A: It never use to be red & there use to be a Santa at the South Pole too! North Pole Santa got greedy and wanted to be the soul provider of children's toys so after a ***cough*** unfortunate event, North Pole Santa came home with a blood stained red suit and no matter how hard Mrs Clause and the elves tried they couldn't get it back to the white colour it once was. As a result there is now only one Santa & each year NP Santa's suit is dyed a fresh colour of red to keep it bright. RIP SP SANTA!

Q: What came first, the chicken or the egg?

X-Katie-X

A: The chicken and the egg are only figments of my imagination - as are you.

Q: How does the picture get into the TV?

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Stocking Stuffers: Little Gifts from RKT

A: It's to do with lawn bowls. You see, television pictures are created on an island off the coast of Puerto Rico (just sou'-sou'-east of the Jurassic Park islands), where teams of specially-bred pigeons paint by dipping their beaks into pots of paint and pecking at the canvas. Each image requires four pigeons: red, blue, green, and quality control. Once each picture is complete, it's loaded into a catapult and fired towards the TV set it's intended for, according to a set of ballistics calculations performed by the non-artistic pigeons (actually it's very simple, but they needed something for the non-artistic pigeons to do). After its brief journey through the upper atmosphere, the picture descends towards the target TV, and - in the case of indoor aerial sets - gets in via a very narrow slit in the top, too narrow for the human eye to see. Similar slits are put in the ceiling, and any floors above the TV, by rogue termites who live in the aerial, and shun the randomly destructive ways of their kind, working for the TV pigeons as a kind of penance. This is why you have to adjust the aerial whenever you move the TV - waggling the aerial around wakes up the termites, who quickly scurry up and burrow new slits for the pictures to arrive through.

In the case of TVs with rooftop aerials, it's much simpler - the termites live in colonies on the roof, and catch each picture as it descends, roll it up very tightly, and slide it through the cable into the TV.

Obviously the catapult requires a great deal of force to propel the pictures to their destinations, and for a long time colour TV seemed impossible because of this - only one pigeon can fit inside a TV (using black paint on white canvasses), so colour was impossible until a solution was found that allowed the pictures to be provided from an outside location. This solution was lawn bowls. Every time a bowler sends a bowl screaming down the lawn in a cannon shot, rather than the usual sedate wobbling roll, the excess velocity is bled off by special devices in the gutter at the lawn's edge, and fed to the catapult. One frame of lawn bowls provides enough kinetic energy to provide one picture each to all the TVs in the world - hence TV pictures being referred to as 'frames'.

(This also explains why flat-screen TVs were impossible prior to recent advances in miniaturisation. The pictures used to be curved, to give them the necessary lift during their flight. Nowadays, pictures destined for flat-screen TVs create lift by the use of several very small helicopter rotors.)

Q: Why, given that the colon character is symmetrical, and there are two brackets available, are smileys always 90 degrees counter-clockwise - : ) - rather than the other way around - ( : - ?

_________________
Chris Cook

Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

A: It's because of communists. You see, communists cause everything that is wrong in this world to happen, and they also HATE turning their heads to the right to read/see things. And, since they have kidnapped all of the clockwise turning ( : faces, all the faces left are counterclockwise turning, so that is what got ingrained in the public concoiusness, and so now we all use the : )

Note: I have nothing against communists... everyone needs a scapegoat.


Q: What are people grouchy when they get up on the wrong side of the bed?

_________________
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A: You know how the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body and the left controls the right? So right-handed people are left-brained, and vice versa. Left-brained people must always get out of the left side of bed in order for their body to function properly, as the motion of this simple action can disturb the delicate balance of chemicals in the body. Therefore, getting up on the wrong side of bed causes fatigue, stiffness, and generally grouchiness.

Q: How do aeroplanes stay up in the air?

A: It's all about the hamsters...and pigeons (when they aren't making television pictures), the hamsters keep the engine going (they train in those little wheels until they...erm...escape) and the pigeons all fly under the wings to generate an extra amount of air resistance.

Q: If we are not to run when there is a fire, how come the Fire Exit picture shows a student doing the fifty yards drunken lurch (not quite a sprint)

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"u see me as a place to make a bruise but in my reality eye'm a slave to the muse" (Sacrilige - Otep)

A: The drunken lurch is actually classed as a kind of walking, as one foot is on the ground at all times (as in the sport of speed walking). When you are told to 'walk, not run' during an emergency such as a fire, what they actually mean is for you to leave the building in a drunken lurch, inebriated stagger, or intoxicated meander (depending on the nature of the fire). Running will result in a warning, followed by a red card, and finally expulsion from the escape attempt.)

Q: Why do cats always look so superior?

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Chris Cook

Through the Looking-glass - Every world needs a Willow and Tara.

A: Cats act superior becasue by always exuding an air of dignity, people come to think that they are actually dignified and above reproach...this in turn makes it much easier to pull off the "What...I meant to do that" face when they try to jump from the couch to the lamp and miss.

Q: Why is it OK to pick your ears but not your nose?

A: Because it is considered a sign of great honor in some countries, where Q-tips are often unavailable.

Q: What what New Coke such a failure?

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A: During an archeological excavation deep under the super secret Coca Cola laboratory hidden within an ancient Mayan ruin, an enormous vat of cola was discovered. The vat was labeled "Cola Prototype ME," but fearing copyright issues with the launch of Windows ME (a decade later...they were anticipating), the name was changed to New Coke. Suffice to say, it was bound to taste like recycled brake fluid.

Q: Why are tomatos called "love apples"?

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A: Because I love apples, and you are a hot tomato.

Q: Is more better?

_________________
Stocking Stuffers: Little Gifts from RKT

A: Nothing's better than more, but something is better than nothing, so I guess, in the end, something is better than more.

Q: How many shopping days until Xmas?

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"Life is nothing but a dream, and if you create your life with Love, your dream becomes a masterpiece of art." - Don Miguel Ruiz

A: None. The quota of shopping days for Xmas has been exceeded. Now there are days of regretting, returning and credit notes.

Q: Is there a way to survive a snow storm with only a pair of sneakers and a stale piece of bread? Please describe it in detail.

A: Yes there is, but i heard that it has been a well-guarded secret. If you really wanted to know, all you gotta do is cross five raging rivers then climb this really perilously high mountain. On top is a big castle guarded not by one but three fire-breathing dragons. When you get inside, the house is booby-trapped to the hilt, but behind the door of the last room at the top of the castle is a chest where inside is the answer you seek. The chest is locked though and the few lucky enough to have successfully arrived at that point give up anyways for reasons that even the greatest psychologists cannot explain.... anyways, be my guest and find out the answer for yourself... if you dare! as for myself, i just never leave home for anything and i'm proud to say i have been successfully avoiding snow storms for the past two decades now.

Q: who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

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A: Your mom did.

Q: Do fish sleep?

_________________
Stocking Stuffers: Little Gifts from RKT

A: Mostly when they're bored, drunk, or after eating too much Turkey.

Q: Why do people say "it goes without saying" about something they are just about to say?

_________________
Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

A: To prove to other people that you know it's unnecessary to say what you are about to say, also to let them know that you know that they know even though they know that you know they know, right ?

Q: Why does a watched pot never boil ?

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hell hath no fury like a woman scorned

A: Because if you boil the pot it tastes really terrible...if you don't want to actually smoke it, the best way to go is brownies or peanut butter gooballs...but don't fall victim to the I have the munchies I better eat another brownie blunder

Q: If olive oil comes from olives and peanut oil comes from peanuts, where does baby oil come from?

A: Baby oil comes from very young oil-producing units, of course.

Q: Why do Microsoft operating systems crash so much?

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Stocking Stuffers: Little Gifts from RKT