Ok, so this might end up as more of a rant than a ridiculous conversation, but I think they go hand in hand. It's actually two conversations based on the same thing: My claim that the two women in my life don't really listen to me.
ME: Hey, did you have a good nap?
WIFE: Yep, what did you do while I was sleeping?
ME: I attempted to vacuum the pool, but since the stupid Polaris hasn't been working properly, all I did was stir up a lot of sand and now the filter needs to be backwashed again.
WIFE: There's no sand in the pool and didn't we just backwash last week?
ME: *sighs because I knew where this was going* The Polaris has beed fucked up all winter and not picking up the-
WIFE: *not really listening, interrupts me mid sentence* It was clear this morning, I don't think you had the vacuum connected the right way and obviously you didn't clean out the secondary filters. I mean, if you had it connected right it should have sucked up the debris.
ME: *immediately going on the defense* I'm not an idiot! I know how to connect the vacuum and clean the filters and the skimmers, I've been cleaning the fucking pool for the last 14 years.
WIFE: Well, if you did it right, it wouldn't be that cloudy.
ME: *attempting to remain calm as my blood pressure rises* Please STOP talking and actually listen to what I am saying, because you're not getting the point. As usual, you're stuck on one word and have not heard ANYTHING else I said or am trying to say.
WIFE: I am listening, but you're not making any sense.
ME: It would make sense if you let me finish a sentence without talking over me or interrupting every 2 seconds.
WIFE: Well, you're babbling.
ME: I'm not babbling. You asked me a question and I'm trying to explain.
WIFE: Well, you need to get to the point.
ME: I'M TRYING, but you're not listening! Just like this morning with that video.
WIFE: *shrugs shoulders*
ME: Exactly! That's why I wish I could record our conversations! At lease I was able to rewind the video and prove you were wrong and why? BEACUSE YOU WEREN'T LISTENING!!!
WIFE: *shrugs shoulders* I still don't think we have sand in the pool.
OMFG!!!!!
So, that put me in a mood and I come inside to find my daughter baking some sort of oatmeal chocolate chip cookie. She'd been home from school all of 30 minutes and had somehow managed to completely destroy the kitchen.
J: I'm going next door, ok?
ME: Um, I don't think so, not until you clean up this mess. I spent 2 hours in here this morning and now you can't even tell.
J: *moves some things around and throws the dirty dishes in the sink without rinsing* I'm done, I'm going now.
ME: Are you kidding me? Rinse everything off, unload the dishwasher, reload it, wipe down the counters and clean the cookie sheet. Then you have a few other things to do before you go.
J: *sighs* I can't get it off, it's baked on.
ME: Well, if you used the parchment paper, like I've asked you to do about a million times, you wouldn't have that problem. Do you not listen to anything I say to you?
J: *shrugs shoulders* I didn't hear you say that this time.
ME: Why should I have to constantly repeat myself? You need to listen the first hundred times. Just like how I asked you about 20x over the weekend to do your laundry and clean the rest of your clothes off the table in the laundry room.
J: I DID CLEAN MY CLOTHES UP! Those aren't mine!!
ME: I don't wear pink and neither does Mommy.
J: Well, my stuff is upstairs, those aren't mine.
ME: Alright, if I go in there and find ANYTHING that's yours, you're grounded for a week.
J: Well, there might be a few things that are mine, I can't control the world, you know.
ME: Well, luckily you don't have to, all you have to control is your laundry. Some of which, by the way, is still in the washer. I thought I asked you to take care of that yesterday.
J: Well, you never said to put it in the dryer...
Again I say...OMFG!!!