by CrazyTaraWitch » Sun Apr 25, 2010 10:56 am
I lost the woman who meant everything, the woman who said she would love me forever and ever and always, the woman I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. She says for her it’s really over, and she doesn’t love me anymore. I don’t understand how it all happened, or what the hell I’m supposed to do now. She says things started to feel wrong two months ago… how the hell did I not see it coming? 3 weeks ago I was on my way “home” from seeing her, and that trip felt perfect to me, there was no “wrong” there… but I guess there was for her. I noticed a couple things, right before I went and when I first got there, but then we were together and it was the best thing in the world, like it always was. I knew she was depressed, but she promised it wasn’t about us and I believed her. I guess it was a lie; I feel like my whole life has been a lie. If I could’ve been so wrong about her and us and me, how can I be right about anything? We fought for a couple weeks, before she ended things, so much that I told her twice that I wasn’t sure about us, but deep down I believed we’d be okay in the end, we’d be *us* in the end, and it was never for a second about not loving her or not wanting to be with her. She says she’s not in love with me… so why two weeks ago when I changed my relationship status to ‘single’ for a few hours after I thought she’d asked for a break did she cry for days? Now she says she can’t forgive me for that because I was trying to hurt her, but I don’t think that’s what it was really about, even though that was the best explanation I could come up with at the time. I wanted her to see that she was losing me, I wanted her to realize what she was doing and beg me to take her back. That was half of it anyway. The other part was wanting to say, if you don’t need me then I don’t need you. Which is ridiculous of course, because I need her more than anything and always have. But I was hurt, and right then I didn’t want to need someone who hurt me so much… Maybe if I’d explained it that way it would’ve made a difference; now she says no amount explanations could change anything, because it’s over for her. She’s over the idea of me and us, despite all the promises we made. One week ago, a few hours less in fact, I was telling her a story about us, what it would be like when she came here this summer, as she fell asleep. How could it all have gone so wrong? I wonder if I’d acted different Tuesday if it would’ve changed anything. I’d seen that she was online, online somewhere other than where we always talked, and I felt hurt, and when she finally came online I didn’t want to talk about why I was upset because I didn’t want to fight again, but because I was hurt I… didn’t act like it was us, I didn’t act like I was talking to the woman I’m in love with. I don’t know if it would’ve changed anything, or if she’d already made up her mind by then. I don’t know if she knows, but chances are I never will.
I’ve tried to tell myself that it just wasn’t the right time for us, that we weren’t ready to handle that kind of love and commitment. My mom thinks it’s true and I value her opinion very highly, and a part of me thinks it’s true as well. I was too needy, I’ve always been too needy; maybe I always will be or maybe I’ll learn to reign it in someday, but either way I guess it was more than she could handle right now, because she doesn’t have control of her own life and never has, and I guess she felt like I became an obligation. Her mother still has so much control over her life and her feelings, more maybe than she realizes, I think a committed relationship was more than she could handle. I guess on some level I’ve thought that before, I just always believed we could get through it together, come out the other side stronger. I thought we loved each other enough that not being ready didn’t matter. She tried to tell me before that she wasn’t ready to get married and that was part of why we had to wait; I thought she just meant financially ready, and closer to finishing her school, but maybe she was trying to tell me what I wasn’t ready to hear, that *she wasn’t ready*.
I’ve always believed there was one right person for everybody, and for 9 months I’ve believed I had that person. Now I’m wondering if maybe I had it wrong from the start, maybe there isn’t one right person, one soulmate. I had this theory when I was younger, that we all have lots of soulmates, that those friends who touch our lives and make us who we are are soulmates, as well as that one great love who you’re meant to spend your life with. I guess maybe I’m starting believe that again in a way; maybe there’s more than one right person. I’m never going to stop believing that she was a ‘right person’ for me, and I think it’s going to be a long time until I can 100% believe she wasn’t the person I was meant to spend my life with, I’m not even sure I’ll ever get there… But I guess I have to try to live without her, and hope that if she really was *the* right person for me, and it was only the time that was wrong, we’ll find our way back to each other in the end.
Having the…enlightened view doesn’t really make things much easier though. It still hurts like hell, worse than anything ever has in my whole life, and I have no clue where to go from here, how to even *want* a life without her. She said she’d always be here for me, implied she wants to be friends, but I’m not sure if she really wants that, and I’m not sure if I can handle it. I don’t know if I can get over us while having her in my life. Hell, I’m still not sure I even *want* to get over us, I just know it’s what I’m supposed to do. I should send back her things, the key to her apartment, the clothes she gave me… My mom says it’s okay if I need to keep that stuff for a while, says I’ll know when the time’s right for me. She says I have no obligation to ever give her back those things, and that if I still need to fall asleep holding her jersey for a while, if I have to cry and sob into the shirt she gave me to remind me of her, it’s my choice and there’s nothing wrong with it. I have to do what I need to do. At the same time… I think she wants those things back. I know she needs the key back. But if I send it… I’m admitting I’m never coming home again, I’m admitting it’s over for good. I’ll never sleep in “our” bed again, or cook our favorite pasta with her in “our” kitchen, I’ll never snuggle with all the ‘stuffed friends’ I came to love, and most of all I’ll never hold her in my arms again. I want to give her what she wants and needs, because I love her, and because I don’t want to seem like I’m keeping anything out of spite, but I also have the unhealthy desire to cling onto those things for dear life. And what do I do with the picture of her on my nightstand, the one I kiss goodnight each day before I go to bed, the one I look at most mornings as soon as I wake up, talk to when I miss her or I’m confused, the one I sobbed last night when it fell over, before sitting it back up in its place where it belongs. What do I do with the calendar she gave me that I was crossing off everyday until the next time I’d see her, or the pictures of flowers she sent me for Valentine’s that I put up on my wall, or the little snowman puzzle she gave me for Christmas that we named Mrs. Buttons and the picture of her identical Mr. Buttons that I have placed next to her looking like they’re holding hands… What do I do with the dozens, if not hundreds, of other things that remind me of her? I’ve never really had to do this before, let go of someone who was so completely part of my life for so long. I don’t know how to do it, and I don’t know how to let go of the future we were supposed to have together.
I just don’t know what the hell to do, with my self or my life or my heart. I’m lost and broken and it hurts like hell.
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
