A Moment of Truth

[Dorothy]

I found my old dairy back. FLashes ofmy life from 7 to 15, I've never been good at keeping my entries regular... But it did give me a big moment of truth;

All those things my "mother" denies, all the things they said I made up , all the things she nver did, that never happen... there are a LOT of those in there and people don't lie to their dairies do they? what would be the point, no one reads it. Buh agry now.


Funfact; when I was 13 I started to write my entries in English to keep my parents from unddrstanding them... They speak English though so in hidview there wasn't much use int that My English was quite good :O had gotten btter though, especially vocabulairy...
ad the naughty vocabulairy deffinitely expanded since I got here LoL

[Kessari]

I was scared to go to the new department today. The woman I share the office with first looked at me, like she wanted to rip me apart or something. Everyone was super nice though. My new boss is a hottie... not that I care, since he's a guy, but well he's very, very kind and all. Yay!


OT: Well, I understand the thing about writing in a different language Dorothy. I did that too English was it, of course... And ditto about the naughty vocabulary... It got a lot better since I've first been here in 2002!

[Kessari]

I won't pick up the pieces this time, thanks to you my friend!

[Nue]

I was scared to go to the new department today. The woman I share the office with first looked at me, like she wanted to rip me apart or something. Everyone was super nice though. My new boss is a hottie... not that I care, since he's a guy, but well he's very, very kind and all. Yay!

I started on my new department yesterday and I still am really scared... I mean, new place, new people and I´m painfully shy sometimes...

[Kessari]

I was scared to go to the new department today. The woman I share the office with first looked at me, like she wanted to rip me apart or something. Everyone was super nice though. My new boss is a hottie... not that I care, since he's a guy, but well he's very, very kind and all. Yay!

I started on my new department yesterday and I still am really scared... I mean, new place, new people and I´m painfully shy sometimes...

Know absolutely what you mean... it's very scary still for me too. Today was okay, very busy. Can get very shy too, so I think I know how it must feel like for you. Hope all goes well. Keep smiling and all will be good!

[Nue]

thanks ^^ I´m still kinda frightened, but yesterday was really nice... I was a big fish in a small bow back my old department, now I´m just one among many... I hope things got worked for you too ^^

[Kessari]

That's awesome.
Today was really busy. Couldn't take a break until almost 15.30, but that's okay. My new boss is awesome and the woman I share the office with is also very nice. I feel good there. Hopefully things will continue this way for both of us

[Kessari]

Okay, yesterday was a very sad, but also awesome day. Does not sound like it would make much sense, but believe me it really does.

D'uh first I had to get up at 6am to get an early train to my parents. I mean, getting up at 6 on a Sunday morning, just really sucks, but it was worth the effort anyway. So, Dad and I met at the trainstation at 9 and we went to my parents flat, had breakfast together and then around 1pm we got on our way to the stadium. I was sooooo excited to see the game. First football game live in like two years and then an away game all the same. So we had about 140 miles to go and *giggles* I love it, when Dad drives.
I think at one time, we were going about 160 miles an hour. *giggles some more* IT WAS AWESOME!!!
So, the game was good, I got showered in beer, which always happens on the games somehow, we lot in the last minute, but our goal keeper really rocked my world yesterday. He saved a really good penalty kick and just was in an awesome form. The game was really, really good, even though we lost.

Anyway, I'm sure, that was TMI already, but to get to my point: We lost, Dad was awesome as always and I can't remember the last time we had some alone time and I really miss that. He is and always was really busy all the time. It hurts to only see him once in a while, but we make the most of it. Yesterday was awesome! Thanks Daddy! You are the best!!!

Edit: Oh, I forgot, I don't have any voice left today. I screamed sooooo freaking loud yesterday, even those big guys at the game were looking at me like WTF? Yep, I scream for my team like theres no tomorrow.
My boss just said "Hmmm, seems like Magda has to do the telephone service today!" It was funny.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

People I love are falling apart and it breaks my heart and there's nothing I can do for either one of them and I feel like a failure and I'm worried about my best friend.

[Dorothy]

People I love are falling apart and it breaks my heart and there's nothing I can do for either one of them and I feel like a failure and I'm worried about my best friend.

You can't be a failure! That's my job and its a bad time to bebunemployed to you can't have it

ot:
I've been convinced Buffy's mom was evil and needed to be killed prettymuch all the time until somewhere after gingerbread... But by the time she died I was sad about it because I grew to like her when she was being sweet and ok with the slaying and all.

Am I the only one?
Does that make me a weird psycho?

[Kessari]

Is it crazy to think about buying season tickets to see my Dad (and the games of course) more often?!

[gorn]

For some reason, talk of radishes earlier this week got me thinking of Fraggle Rock. Now, I don't normally have any kind of muppet fetish - at least none that I'm consciously aware of - but ... I used to have the hots for Red Fraggle.

There, I said it.

[Yours]

I miss my big brother

[Kessari]

Hmm, okay I'm really glad, that my laptop is all fixed and that I didn't have to pay for like the hardware worth around 600 Euro, but I'm still so sad, that 250 Euro of music are gone!!!

[Dorothy]

I am officially a pathetic loser now...
I didn't dare to go to the snackbar because I'd never been there and they didn't have one of those automatic snack dispensers

I don't even dare to order some fries, omg that's so sad

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My phone hasn't been working well lately, and I only just today got a few voicemails that were several days old. Among them was a message from an old friend rescheduling a reunion with our old choir (which I didn't go to because I didn't get the message). This particular friend and I were very very close a few years ago when we first met, and over time we've grown apart to where at times we're rather awkward around each other and don't really hang out anymore, but I still care a lot about her and have always considered her a friend. In the message she left, she addressed me as Jasmine, something I cannot remember her ever calling me, always instead going by the nickname Jazz. Hearing her call me by my first name for probably the first time in over 6 years made me feel for the first time like I've really truly lost her, and it broke my heart. I still miss my best friend.

[umgaynow]

I am loathe to admit it, but sometimes I do find Tom Arnold vaguely amusing (watched him in a horror spoof with "Johnathan" today)

Hanging my head in shame

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I still want her. I don't want to want her, but even worse is not knowing if it's really wanting her, loving her, now, or if it's the memories of wanting her.

[love_2003]

I'm hungry.

[sweet satin lover]

I miss my big brother

Me too sweetie me too. :(

*hugs you*

My moment I wish I was one of these petite girls.

[whatmakesyouhappy]

I guess all long friendships must come to an end

[sweet satin lover]

I want a personality transplant.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It's been almost 16 months, but tonight I find myself crying about it yet again. How can something that only lasted a few short weeks continue to break your heart for over a year? A sad movie started the tears tonight, but as soon as they came they were about her. It's always about her.

[love_2003]

I'm actually excited about summer school starting tomorrow. Although in a couple weeks I'll be wishing it was over already.

[whatmakesyouhappy]

I guess she made her decision I will start looking for a new place to live

[Dorothy]

I've been mentally abused by my parents all my life, making sure I'd feel like I was worth less than everyone else, even less then my sisters, who were treated like dirt too.

This fucked me up, together with being bullied from the age of 6 well into my late teens and psychiatrists telling me that I was handicapped and would never be able to live a full, worthy life.

I never knew who I was, never knew, or dared to believe I could achieve things, or was even good enough to do stuff. Good enough to talk to people, to have friends even, all those things were impossible for me, or so I was made to believe.



It's less than 3 years ago that I started to push these boundaries, forgive me, I am trembeling as I type this... scared maybe, that I am lying, doing something wrong or just pretending I am worthy of my own life...

I started at college,
a few months later I went looking for a place to live, to get away from the mental wards my mother had continuously kept me in since I was 13yo.
for my 21st birthday my sister gave me a bellybutton piercing, she was being trained as a piercer and I would be her first. I had wanted it for 7 years, I trusted my sister fully, yet I cried and begged for days, because my mom wouldn't give me permission ( you don't need that from your 16th but anyway,i felt I couldn't do it if she disaproved)
Just over a year ago I started watching tv shows and movies my mother prohibited, inculding Buffy and Starwars.

See, I was (am) pretty badly influenced... yet people tell me "it is in the past, let it go, get over it, you are your own person now, stop fretting about what happened back then"

BUT TODAY I REALISED:

It is OK for me to be affected by this.
It doesn't give me a wildcard to whine about it...
But it is perfectly normal that someting embedded so deep will not go away overnight.
It's not a thing you "get over"
It's a thing that needs hard work and some time.
I am working on it but it is not whiney or whatever if I get a backlash or have trouble with my progress or feelings while doing that

Important thing is not to give up, but my way to a brighter future doesn't have to be an empty, straightforward 5 lane highway all the time. That just can't be done but believe me:

I will keep on traveling forward, I have no intention at all to stay in this dark and
unpleasant place

(sorry it got a bit long, need chocolate now)

[Kessari]

Well, Dorothy, you realised something very right, if I may say so. It's not something you have to "get over", because no matter what you will do, the things that happened in the past will always be a part of your life. There will be good and there will be bad days. The important thing is to never and I mean NEVER let the past rule your future!
You are NOT worthless and I truly believe, that you are a great person. Things, that won't kill us will only make us stronger. Call me crazy, but I believe in that! Just wanted to say that. Keep smiling!

[umgaynow]

I don't know which is worse at this point, knowing or not knowing

[Nue]

Dorothy: I have been in your shoes all my life... My father is still scaried of me (I broke 2 fingers when I had a major breakdown), but now I´m 'under control' by pills and doctors... this sucks a lot, this whole family pressure and the fact they can´t see how abusive they really are...

I´m 26yo now, a terrible job, a couple college degrees and I still don´t know what to do with my life...

[Kessari]

Not knowing what will happen on Wednesday is making me nuts. It could all get better and then I can go back to work and life again, but on the other hand I could lose it all. Somehow I'm looking forward to that, because then I will know what's gonna happen, but then I get all terrified again. *sigh*
And I REALLY want to go away in four weeks. Vacation, I need it ( - no, I DESERVE it), before I have to go to hospital again three days after coming home.