The Questions and (un)-Answers game

[umgaynow]

A: Speaking as someone who spent 15 years in video retail, I would guess that you developed deadly Tandem Amnesia, wherein you cannot hear the calls from the video store reminding you that you are late and completely forgetting that you watched the movie at all due to deadening of the brain cells (caused by watching too much big studio crap-in-red-cellophane fare and not enough fabulous independent and foreign films)

Q: Why does my drooling hound dog persist on putting her wet slimy face on my leg, even when all the food is gone...shouldn't a breed legendary for their sense of smell realize when there's no yummies left?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because your dog's a distant relative of my cats, and doesn't seem to know when to leave well enough alone.

Q: Someone wanna a pile of crap that used to be a radio?

[umgaynow]

A: Sure, I'll trade you the pile of crap that used to be my life

Q: If one train leaves Cleveland at 11 am traveling southwest and another leaves Fresno at 3 pm traveling due east, what color are the conductor's underpants?

[pacou]

A:

They're green with pink spots... because it's in the conductors contract.
And that says: "According to every respective route, the conductor's underwear has to be adequate for every inch of landscape the conductor might pass on his route." Well, and pink and green always fit.
See. Easy one

Q:

Why is it that traffic lights always turn red before you have the chance to quickly cross the street?[/b]

-Viv-

[dark_chylde]

A: as part of a governmental experiment the asphalt on the street constantly measures a person's patience. If someone tries to cross a street with undue haste, a signal will be passed on to the traffic light, causing it to turn red immediately. The point of the experiment is to find out whether you wait for the light to turn green or cross by red light. studies show that 85 percent of the people cross while it's still red but only 12,58 percent of them get hit by a car.

Q: Why do they never remove the price tags in the store when you buy christmas gifts so you have to unwrapp them again to check for the tags ?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because they wanna drive you insane.

Q: Anyone wanna offer themselves to me so that I can take out seven years worth of pent up frustrations on you?

[JustSkipIt]

A - Simply put. Cats should not drive.

Q - What percent of people actually get what they want for Christmas?

[FineyMcFine]

A: I would say 66%, but watson would probably correct me later to say it's actually 67.7777777777%. But anyway, even if you don't always get what you want, if you try sometime you just might find that you get what you need.

Q: What do banks actually DO with all the rounded-off bits of money that fiction says hackers embezzle?

[dark_chylde]

A: Well, somehow they have to pay for all the fine offices they have ...

Q: Why is it, that every time I go to the city to just buy one certain item, I come home with lots of bags mostly containing new clothes and shoes ?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Have you taken a flu shot lately? That might explain it.

Q: Anybody know the number of a good dentist?

[FineyMcFine]

A: 42

Q: Why is Creedence Clearwater Revival so awesome?

[umgaynow]

A: It is commonly known that all bands with semi-alliterative names are awesome

Q: If one does not drink or use illicit drugs, how does one go about making a family holiday tolerable? (quick, I'm working on a timeline here!)

[LtSticks]

A: Have intellectual conversations with the family cat on how realistic Marx's works are in the world today, whilst eating Twinkies


Q: Why do I have to be the snowman at work on Xmas Eve?

[dark_chylde]

A: Being totally high on Christmas spirit you probably volunteered for it, but now that you've come to your senses again your mind refuses to remember doing such a completely foolish thing.

Q: Is a cleaning lady for christmas a wish Santa is likely to fulfill? (because it's the 22nd late at night and my flat still looks terrible, plus I have to work tomorrow...)

[umgaynow]

A: Highly unlikely,,,but if you hurry, you may still have time to go to a club and pick up some anal retentive chick who will clean your house in exchange for snuggles

Q: Since Santa is presumably out flying all night, it stands to reason that the reindeer would need to relieve themselves now and then along the way, since I've never seen reindeer poo on anyone's roof, then it leads to the conclusion that they must do it while in flight, in which case, why doesn't the sleigh have a windshield?

[dark_chylde]

A: Astronaut's food is fed to the poor reindeers for days before christmas eve, as it makes them feel strong yet reduces digestion so they won't have to relief themselves for days, the poor things... (obviously Santa is living in my neighbourhood during the year and obtained this useful information from my doctor, who loves to share such entertaining anekdotes every time I have to visit...)

Q: Did anyone else get for Christmas what she / he really wanted (cause I actually did ... ) ?

[watty]

A: "get what s/he really wanted" is such a rare occurence that scientists have disputed its entire existence in humanoid communities. To be eligible for, um, inclusion as an acceptable form of humanoid existence the s/he in question must have undergone retinal water-flow re-alignment surgery, while simultaneously standing on their heads and chanting "Waiting for Godot". Backwards. Only 1 in 67,777,777,777,777,777,777 tests that have been conducted are confirmed as positive proof of "get what s/he really wanted". Now, if we're talking about "get what s/he wanted" without the "really" the phenomenon is less rare.

Q: What was Mary Poppins' favorite ice cream flavor?
[br]

[kindagay]

A: Rrrrrrum punch *hic*

Q: Why is my stomach objecting every time I drink or eat anything containing milk?

[umgaynow]

A: Pesky dairy gnomes

Q: If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in a minute and a half, how did Rasputin like his martinis?

[JustSkipIt]

A Wet, and stirred, not shaken.

Q How do those new silicone cookware work?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Very comfortably.

Q: How come the holidays seem to be the most depressing time of year for so many people?

[Candleshoe]

A: There is a bloke in Alaska who is jumping for joy. The rest of us are balancing the universe.

Q: Why do some people think it is appropriate to have huge inflatable Santa's which are lit by a thousand bulbs on their front lawns, while other people think it is incredible tacky?

[dark_chylde]

A: It's a genetic defect, where a certain gene which usually tells your brain what looks good, is missing a couple of chromosomes. this causes the gene to be inactive so the poor people suffering from this defect actually think they've done a great job with their decoration while others have trouble to avoid a stroke just walking by their house. .this disease is also often referred to as "lack of taste".

Q: Why do I always have to work between Christmas and New Year's Eve while my gf is lying home in bed enjoying her days off ?

[FineyMcFine]

A: It's because of karma - something you did in a past life. Shouldn't have slaughtered all those cows, I guess. Oh well, maybe in the next life. Put down that hamburger.

Q: Why are little kids so unutterably cute?

[JustSkipIt]

A - Well, the little girls are so cute because they're made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I suspect that you're asking this because you're with your nieces. Little boys on the other hand are made of snips & snails & puppy dog tails. Fortunately, at conception a spell is cast on boys to make them appear to be "unutterably cute" so that people don't just leave their children in the wild when they break dishes or say bad words in front of their bosses.

Q - Is naked mud wrestling an olympic sport and if not, why not?

[umgaynow]

A: I can answer the why not in 3 words...Eastern European Women

Q: Why is it that there's a Starbucks on every corner (there's even one in a church the next town over) but there are no establishments that sell different varieties of really great tea? (not that Starbucks is so great)

[Candleshoe]

A: Because only us English folk really care about tea. And even then, not all of us....

Q: How come my car sometimes doesn't start?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because the makers put Tab A into Slot B.

Q: Why is a dust bunny called a dust bunny when it looks nothing like a bunny?

[willowfan7]

A: Because pigs are pink, not green

Q: Were Spice Girls really all that spicy?

[cbrymm]

Yes, sometimes toast burns and you should never put chicken wings in a toaster.



Was there really a cookie in the cookie jar when someone stole a cookie from the cookie jar?