The Questions and (un)-Answers game

[JustSkipIt]

A: It's classic attention-seeking behavior. Seriously, you can look in any number of parenting manuals. You feel frustrated when it happens right? So by definition, it's attention seeking. The best thing to do is pat the system on its lower back to provide comfort without actually speaking (or cussing) to it.

Q: In Dr. Seuss's Hop on Pop, there's a page where Red, Ned, Ted, and Ed are in bed. How did this get past censors?

[Emms]

A: The censors already had their hands full trying to keep Judy, Jody and Jennifer from getting into the shower together on page 45

Q: Why can't the teenagers working at Taco Bell ever get my order right?

[oneyedchicklet]

A: At first I thougth it was all part of the JFK "Magic Bullet" Conspiracy. Then I learned that they actually have your license plate programmed into the computers. When you pull into the parking lot, bells sound and lights flash. Part of the training process includes a 40 minute lecture and presentation on how to screw your order up.

Q: Why is it always darkest before the dawn?

[FineyMcFine]

A: So one day somone could name their kid Donnie Darko.

Q: If you can't see germs, can you prove that they really exist?

[dark_chylde]

A: You might not be able to see them but when it's really, really quiet you can actually hear them laughing their asses off, that they gave you a cold again ! On the other hand, it's very difficult to be sooo quiet when you have a cold because of all the coughing and sneezing....

Q: Why does haircolour never turn out the precise colour that was promised on the package - most of the times not even close ?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because it's part of a secret code to let people know how much society is conforming.

Q: How come the news networks are run by a bunch of morons?

[tarebear]

A: well cause actually it's in the job description that IQ must not fall above 70.

Q: why is tigger bouncier than ?

[LtSticks]

A: Because he drank too much Red Bull, and it gave him wiiiings

Q: Why is the glass half full, not half empty?

[cbrymm]

A: Because a monkey drank out of it and monkies are known for always leaving things full rather than empty.

Q: Why do the labels on Jucy Juice boxes say "best if use by" rather than "best drank before" since we all know people drink juice, but rarely "use" it?

[Krazy Dreamer]

A: This dates back to prehistoric times when fruit juice was actually used for religious rituals. At this time the juice was poured over the head of the living to increase mental acuteness and alertness. It was also thought to increase physical strength and speed, as well as endow the recipient with magical and psychic powers. Some even believed it increased the lifespan, although this was never proven. It was also "used" on the entire body of the dead to help ensure a safe passage to the next world, although it just resulted in speeding up decomposition and "smelling really bad."

Q: Why is the Queen the most powerful piece on the chessboard?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because she has the magic stick.

Q: Why are death and taxes the only two constants in life?

[umgaynow]

A: You forgot car alarms...

Q: Why are the ratings of a television show inversely proportionate to the level of intellect and sophistication contained therein?

[SithLordWiccan]

A: Because nine tenths of those shows are on Fox, where concepts like that don't apply.

Q: Why the hell are the networks showing Christmas stuff a month early?

[dark_chylde]

A: to catch up with the shops that are selling Christmas sweets since the end of August.

Q: Why is there always so much work in the office each time you decide in the morning to quit early today ?

[JustSkipIt]

A: People understimate the emotional state of "inanimate" objects. All those objects you never give a second though to, your chair, desk, pens, pencils, even computer, miss you when you're gone. As soon as you start muttering to yourself that you'll call it a day early, they start the revolt. They actually cause more work to pile up for you so that you can't leave them and make them feel lonely. My recommendation is to promise them that you'll turn the radio to their favorite station and leave it on when you go.

Q: Will I be able to get the baby to sleep today?

[Emms]

A: It is a known fact that babies are easily lulled to sleep by the soothing sounds of Yanni playing his magical yet surprisingly inexpensive clarinet-a-ma-thing. Unfortunately do to the war in Iraq, migrant workers were unable to pick enough fruit to meet world-wide demands and were forced into show business. The good news is this has nothing to do with Yanni and will not affect your baby's nap-time in the slightest way. As for Yanni he is desperate and easily distracted so booking him for private gigs; naps, weddings, and baby-showers, is as simple as ordering sushi from the plumbing department inside your local Wal-Mart. So….in conclusion, if you have a shinny penny, two pieces of red licorice and a pirated copy of The Spice Girls movie on VHS and DVD then your baby is assured a successful naptime experience.

Q: Who invented cheese in a can?

[Patches]

A: Cows, so they had something to eat on the way to the moon. Not content as they were with meadow muffins on earth, they wanted sky pies, and that's what really happened to Apollo 13--they hit a sky pie.

Q: Why was Little Miss Muffett sitting on a tuffett?

[FineyMcFine]

A: It was actually a sitz bath tuffet - Miss Muffett had hemorrhoids, the poor little thing.

Q: Why does power corrupt?

[meretricious]

A: It's actually electrical power that corrupts, as best demonstrated when Thomas Edison and general electric tried to protect their less efficient direct current by discrediting, bankrupting and just generally ruining Nicoli Tesla, who had discovered the use of the far more efficient alternating current. While Tesla was occupied with this battle, as well as being distracted by the many other inventions and discoveries that his genius mind was overflowing with, his assistant Marconi walked out of Tesla's labs with the discovery of radio. eventually Tesla defeated Edison, and Marconi, but his work suffered irreperably and one of the greatest minds of his or any time was left unable to complete another project. consequently most people now hear the name Tesla and think of a bad early 90's rock band.

Q: if a picture paints a thousand words, then why can't i paint you?

[tarawhipped]

A: Well, not to be a prude, Mary...but a nude painting generally implies that the subject is nude, not the artist.

Q: How long does it take for the average person to boogie-oogie-oogie til they just can't boogie no more?

-Cam

[Emms]

A: As long as it takes one really rockin' Barry Manilow cut to conclude.

Q: how many pickled eggs could president Bush eat before puking?

[tarebear]

A: None. The pickled eggs have a signed petition stating they get nowhere near the president's oral orifice or they will puke.

Q: What causes the Tower of Pisa to lean?

[watty]

A: It's gay. Or more accurately, ex-straight.

Q: Why are bbq marshmallows so delicious?

[justin]

A: Because of subliminal messages contained in the copyright notices at the start of DVDs. this is why you can't skip those notices, they want you to get the full affect.

Q: Who let the dogs out?

[oneyedchicklet]

A: The DJ from the last wedding I was at and then he let them back in, then he let them back out and and he let them back in and they did the hokey pokey and we shook it all about.

Q: Why when a building is demolished, they say it was razed but when the Amish build a barn, they raise it?

[umgaynow]

A: Because the Amish are dyslexic and can't spell...everytime they'd get sent out on a demo job they'd just put up another building, thereby doubling the problem of urban sprawl and making traffic so bad that there's no way they'll ever get home in those little buggies...the horses would just look down 5th avenue in gridlock and say "Oh no way, man! Screw this!" and take a nap on the nearest cabdriver

Q: Why do they call it Duelling Banjos when it's actually a banjo and a guitar? Shouldn't it be duelling string instruments one of which is really annoying?

[Patches]

A: According to the formal rules of duelling, each opponent must be equally armed. Since a banjo has 4 stings to the guitar’s 6, the banjo is given an adjusted annoyance factor, thus equalling the mind shattering capability of the guitar when played by a novice after rejecting tradition and attempting to learn the theme from Deliverance before Stairway to Heaven. Really, it’s a suicide pact; collateral damage is just an after thought.

Q: Why did she run calling Wildfire?

[FineyMcFine]

A: She tried calling Grassfire but the line was busy, so she called Grassfire's cousin Wildfire - he lives just down the street. She needed to know if she was supposed to bring Jell-o salad or Twinkies to the party, see, and she figured one of them would know.

Q: For things that are an acquired taste, why do you start to like them after not liking them initially?

[umgaynow]

A: It's kinda like when you stay with someone even though she's a bitch and a half just cuz she's a hottie and the sex is great

Q: How can my parents find watching bowling on television so exciting that they yell at the screen...making me sure that I am adopted (or at least making me pray that I am) are they indeed the dullest people on the face of the earth?

[dark_chylde]

A: No, they are not the dullest people on the face of the earth - those are the people watching poker on television and biting their nails because of exitement ..... let's hope those were not your biological parents

Q: Why does love not live here anymore ?