A Moment of Truth

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Deb and Shel come you guys!!!! Do it like the Mexicans do it. For what we pay in Quinceneras, you guys could totally have a decent wedding plus reception. We go all out starting with a mariachi band in the church then end up partying later that day. We have what we call padrinos. Padrinos are the people that "sponsor" things one needs. Like one person will buy the cake, one will hire the live band and DJ, etc...

You guys could totally get away with doing this. Don't let anyone tell you they're poor and don't have money to help. I'm Mexican and it doesn't get any poorer then that. LOL. On the real we don't have money and yet we manage to make shit work some how. I can be one of your "padrinos." I mean that too. I'm single and have no kids so I am a part time hobo.


MY BAD ON THE DOUBLE POST

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My friend has been threatening to teach me to drive for years, and now that I'm staying with her I can't really avoid it. She thinks, despite my grumbling, that she's doing me this great huge favour, but I don't really see it that way. For one thing, she's never taught someone to drive and she's bad at it; she was a little better on our second lesson than our first, but not nearly enough. And getting frustrated at each other because of driving lessons would be a very bad idea as we live together in a small 1 bedroom flat and thus have to spend a lot of time around each other, plus I already feel hugely indebted to her so if I get frustrated with her it's going to lead me to immense guilt. The second problem is that she has less than no understanding for the fact that *I don't want to be a driver*. Yes, I want the ability to drive, in case of emergency or a dramatic change in my life that necessitates driving. But I hope to never own a car. I fully believe I can be a functional adult without one-- I believe I already am and have been for years. She doesn't. Sure I've been enjoying rides with her lately, and sure cars are convenient. They also cost a fortune and are bad for the environment, plus walking places is the main exercise I get. I know how to get around without a car, and now having one doesn't make me somehow immature or less of an adult. When I told her that I hoped to never own a car, she scoffed, so I pointed out that my stepmum is 49 and has never learned to drive, and she said "Fine, find a spouse to drive you around everywhere," as if that's the only way my stepmum or anyone else could possibly get by without a vehicle. She raised 3 kids on her own for years, no husband with a car! I hate this damn American attitude that cars are the only option. And I really wish I had a way to tell my best friend that I don't want to drive with her anymore and to stop pushing me about it, but I don't know how to do this without offending her.

[T.G.I.F.]

Oh I feel you, I hate driving. Everybody around me is like; "Hey, you're 29, shouldn't you have or get a driver's license already?"
And I am like; "Whut? No! I hate it. I don't drive. Public transportion and my bike will do fine."

And I am not the only one in this, one of my best friends is 27 and she hates it too. And my niece didn't get hers until she was 33, only because her father paid for it. But she still hates it and she's not driving unless she really has to (and she has it for 5 years now), for example when I visit her she's like;
"Can you walk from the station to my place? It's like twenty minutes, and I really don't want to pick you up with my car. Because I really don't want to drive."

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

To someone special. We started out as friends then became lovers and now we're no more. I know it was by my choice, but it doesn't mean it's been easy. The hardest part is having lost your friendship and you not being apart of my life.

I miss you everyday and think about you everyday. You're truly a wonerful person. I had great conversations with you and you have an explosive personality that makes being around you fun. I often replay the fun moments between us. How funny you were and how much you made me laugh. I especially loved making you laugh so hard that I would start laughing because of that.

I don't know if we can ever connect as friends again, but I keep hope alive that we may be able to do just that one day. I know it's not the time yet, but maybe as more time passes it will be.

[Laragh]

If we haven't talked for three months, it's for a reason.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Oh I feel you, I hate driving. Everybody around me is like; "Hey, you're 29, shouldn't you have or get a driver's license already?"
And I am like; "Whut? No! I hate it. I don't drive. Public transportion and my bike will do fine."

And I am not the only one in this, one of my best friends is 27 and she hates it too. And my niece didn't get hers until she was 33, only because her father paid for it. But she still hates it and she's not driving unless she really has to (and she has it for 5 years now), for example when I visit her she's like;
"Can you walk from the station to my place? It's like twenty minutes, and I really don't want to pick you up with my car. Because I really don't want to drive."

Glad to know I'm not alone TGIF! Actually a lot of my family is a bit anti-driving. My stepmum is 49 and has never had a license, and of my 4 siblings only 2 drive and one of them didn't until she was 22. I'm 23 and I've been doing just fun with buses and my feet for years!



My truth: It's getting easier. I still miss my ex, but not all the time anymore, and it's a little less painful when I do. I've stopped expecting to hear from her.
It's been a month. I'm not okay yet, but I'm getting there. And I honestly don't know if I'm okay with that. I can't explain why, even to myself, but a part of me hates myself for being this close to okay so soon after losing the woman I planned to spend the rest of my life with.

[Objection]

A year after it all, a year after everything that has happened to me and I'm still finding out lies you once told to me. Me, the person you had claimed to love for over two years. I have so many questions to ask you, but I will refrain from doing so. You lied to me, beat me, and I'm not talking mentally, and tore me down when I was depressed, and yet, in spite of it all, I still thought you loved me. Oh, how wrong I was. You never loved anyone in your entire life, I don't think a monster like you could even feel that emotion. You are never coming near me again, but being me, I will still show hospitality. That's why I won't say this to you, that's why I bite my tongue. Not for you, but for me. If I show you that I, too, have become a monster, you would have won. You would have taken everything from me. I realized that a few months ago. That's why, for the first time since you left, I stood on my own two feet. I took charge of my life and turned it around. I wasn't gonna let the monster you turned me into defeat who I truly was, now here I am. I've found someone new, she doesn't get to me like you did, doesn't prod the sleeping beast of anger until it lashes out, only to later cry victim. She treats me as a person, who I deserve to be treated like. I have stepped above you, therefore leaving you in the dust, and i hope you like the taste of it. I will never again see you.

So, getting back to the first sentence of this, the other day I found out yet ANOTHER lie that oozed from your mouth... and you know what the best part of it was? I didn't care at all.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes my life just... hurts. Everything feels *wrong*. Things aren't exactly bad (except when I still get overwhelmed by sadness, but it's not often now), but my life isn't what it should be or what I want it to be. My life feels... broken.

[Finey_McFine]

I will never, never, never, ever, never, NEVER EVER own a Chihuahua EVER again, in this life or any other.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

There are moments when... I feel like it must be my fault that my relationships fall apart, and I'm never going to find one that lasts. Every girl I've had even a sort-of-relationship with hasn't wanted me in their life afterward; what's so wrong with me that the people I love eventually want nothing to do with me? I still believe in love, but sometimes, I don't believe in it for myself. All I've ever really wanted, or at least what I've always wanted most, is a wife and kids, but it feels like I don't get have that.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

After a few weeks of living with my best friend, I've come to the very upsetting conclusion that I don't think I could sustain a relationship with anyone who had mental health issues. It's harder than I'd imagined sharing a life and home with a friend who's a bit unstable and a lot depressed, I honestly don't think I could handle it with a partner. I feel like a terrible person, but the way the guilt eats at me when I can't help my friend, when I see her spiraling and feel completely helpless to stop it or make anything better... I couldn't take it all the time. I'm lucky to even have a grip on my own issues; much as I had to admit it, I don't think I could live with someone else's, not for a lifelong commitment.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I really resent my sisters, how close they are too each other and how little effort they make to be close to me or even know about my life.

[gorn]

I was looking through a bunch of my old posts last night until 2am. Very foolish thing to do, but once I started I couldn't stop. It was always "just one more page, then I'll go to bed ..." I was amazed at the memories it brought back, not just of the friends & fun on the Kittenboard over the years, but at how clearly I could remember where I was and what I was feeling when I wrote those posts over four or five years ago now. It was like a personal - and in some cases surprisingly private - diary of my life. There were feelings I shared here that I've shared no where else, a side of me that seems to come to life here and no where else. Can anybody out there relate to that?

I love the Kittenboard. Always will.

[woahnellie]

Wow gorn you summed it up. Haven't been here in years but watching my yearly rerun of Buffy it brought me back. It always feels like home. Pretty much it made me the woman I am today.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes, I think about contacting my ex a few months down the road, if I still miss her like I do now. I imagine that somehow, somewhere down the line, I could find the right words and she'd want to be in my life again. I honestly don't know if I'd want to be with her again or just want to be friends, but I've gone through every one of the last 105 days feeling like it's *wrong* that she's not part of my world anymore. And I know the pain gets better; it already has a little (though not enough), and I've been through heartbreak before. But this sense of wrongness... It's still there, all the time, like nothing I can remember ever feeling before. And part of me doesn't believe it will go away, unless someday, somehow, she's in my life again.

And then there's this part of me, and I honestly don't know whether it's the rational part or just the cynical one, that's certain she's never going to want anything to do with me. I mean, it's been 3 and a half months and she's never gotten in contact, never responded to the message I wrote her in February or the one in April and may not have even read them, never given any indication that she misses me or thinks of me at all. She ended the relationship with one short sentence, and the minimal communication we had over the following week was unceasingly formal on her part. There's no evidence at all to suggest she ever wants to hear from or speak to me again. And really, why would she? We didn't work. I didn't understand. She chose to move on. And she's amazing. The woman she's going to be... the life she's going to live... she'll be so much more than I ever will. She's young and she's got things to figure out and she made mistakes in our relationship, but she's wonderful. The woman I knew was magnificent, but the woman she's going to be someday...

[JustSkipIt]

I want to conserve energy and money and all that. But I just don't know how much longer I can go without turning on the A/C. I feel like it's about 180% humidity in the house right now. I haven't slept well more than 1 day in the last 2 weeks. Ugh.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I wish I didn't get attached to kids quite so quickly. I subbed 4 mornings this week at my old job, in a classroom with 4 kids two of whom I'd never met before two weeks ago, and I already feel like I'm going to miss them. And I was bummed that one of them didn't come to school today, cause now I won't see him again...

[T.G.I.F.]

I know her for only two weeks now, but I am already sure that I want to grow old with her.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Someday, I'm going to be strong enough to listen to all my favourite songs again. And it will be awesome. I hope it comes soon, but right now in this moment it's enough to finally know that it will come.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

At one point in my life I hated my mom. That hate turned into tolerance. After so many years and I do mean many years. I can finally say I love you to my mom and mean it. Genuinely mean it which is huge for me. My mother still may not be the best person in the world, but I do notice some changes. Changes on the way she talks to me and treats me. The way she is with me now is real. I know it's real because there is consistency on her part. Plus I can feel it. If you asked me before whether I cared if my mom lived or died; I would have answered that I didn't care. I knew it wouldn't had mattered to me. You ask me that same question now and it hurts to think about her passing away. In all honesty I hope it doesn't happen anytime soon. I want to be able to enjoy this new found relationship with her for a good amount of time. I had too many years of heartache and pain with her. The biggest thing for me is that my mom has finally admitted and has been extremely apologetic for treating me so badly. She admitted she took out all of her pain and suffering from her mother out on me. This is huge and means a lot to me. She's not sugar coating all of the years she abused me. I've been in such a good place for a few years now that it doesn't matter to me anymore. It does hurt at times when I think about it, but I don't do it too often.

[foxycas]

A while ago I met this girl C. She is awesome and we get along great. We met a party and talked for hours (not kidding, the sun was up when we bid our goodbyes). We have met up three times now, we are meeting again this Saturday. C is a quiet and shy girl, we share the same interests and we both have been through our fair share of problems.
I feel so relaxed around her, we played old Tony Hawk skating games on the PS2. Watched Star Wars and played Jenga. I can tell her about my problems, she really listens and understands me.
I told her that I'm gay and she's fine with it. She told me that she didn't know which sex she preffered.
Here is the thing then, I think I like her more than friends. But I'm trying not to, because I only ruin things when I like people like that. I just don't know what to do, right now. I don't want to tell my other friends about it, I don't know why. I just feel uncomfortable with my friends right now as I'm fighting with one of them...


Mels

[JustSkipIt]

Yeah... tap dancing. I don't get it. I mean I'm sure it's hard and that people study for years and such but I just don't enjoy it. We watch So You think you can Dance and we love the show but the Tap dancers just ... I don't get it. I mean to me it's like as impressive as a party trick or parlor trick or whatever. Like I said, I'm sure it's hard and they've worked hard but I just ... so yeah.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I started a new Uni last week, but for the summer I'm only taking one class. I've only been looking for jobs half-heartedly, there's no Work-Study for summer session, and the places I wanted to volunteer say they aren't looking for new people. This means I only have something to do for about 10 hours a week, and since it's an easy class there's very little homework/studying on top of it. I also know literally no one here, and the only opportunities to meet people in my hall were both while I was in class, so I don't even have anyone to spend time with. I'm sort of enjoying being lazy and having so much time to myself, but I have a very strong suspicion that I will go completely bonkers before the end... Knowing that, I ought to look hard for work or volunteering, or at least get myself running again so that I don't just spend all day in my dorm, but I can't seem to motivate myself.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm trying to remind myself that I've only been here a couple weeks, and things should be better in the Fall, but honestly I'm sort of regretting my choice of Uni. Even with my scholarship I'm having to take out a hell of a lot of loans, I still don't know anyone here, my class is boring and really basic, the lab is poorly stocked, and I can't find a job. Why did I not just stay in Austin, where I could have found a job much more easily and gotten an apartment with a friend, and go to the Uni there for hardly any more money than I'm paying now-- a Uni where I could have gone straight through to a Bachelor's instead of having to get an Associate's degree first, then go to the Uni in Austin anyway to do an Associate's-to-Bachelor's programme? I'm not exactly unhappy here, but I'm not happy either, and I'm not at all sure I made the right choice in coming...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Some days, it really hits me how much I miss living with my old roommates; I've had 7 roommates by now, one of them since, but they're still the ones I think of as my roommates. I suspect I always will. Living there, with them, felt like home, and I miss that feeling. I miss how before A lived with us, sometimes when I'd put on Doctor Who S would join me, and other nights we'd have long random talks; I miss how after A moved in sometimes we'd watch How I Met Your Mother together; I miss weekends when D was there and he'd pop into my room to have random chats for hours about Doctor Who or we'd all play board games together. I think about A, S, and I watching The Body and The End of Time and all of us crying, or I think about S, D, and I roughhousing while A sat by and laughed at us, and I just miss it. And I know part of it is the simple fact that I'm lonely here, but I know it's more than that too. Even though I was always separate in a way, because the 3 of them were a family in ways I wasn't part of, I fit. It was probably the closest I've every come to belonging anywhere.

And I think if they had wanted me to move back in, I wouldn't be here. I believe that I would have chosen to live with them again over any other option. But they didn't. And I understand why, I really do get that they're young and in love and want their own space, and that D's 15 now so it's great he can have his own room when he's there, but the truth is it still hurts. It's always this way in the end, me caring about people more than they care about me, or me wanting more than they want.

[Finey_McFine]

Karma is a most powerful thing and it definitely comes back on you. Yesterday I did a friend (J) a huge favor and she was supposed to pet sit this weekend. Well, after I did her this favor, which resulted in my working a 15 hour day, she backed out of taking care of our dogs. I mentioned it and she said, "Oh yeah, we forgot to tell you, we decided to go to San Antonio this weekend." Um, when did you plan this trip. "A few days ago." So, she knew for 3 days and waited until the 11th hour...AFTER I helped her out! So, I scrambled and found someone to do it. Our 'friends,' said "Get M to do it, she's watching our dogs while we're gone."

Now back to the Karma...I just got a text from M: "Are you watching J's dogs this weekend?"
ME: Uh, no, we're out of town as well. She said you were doing it.
M: That's what I thought, but I don't have a key.
ME: Well, I guess you should probably call her.
M: I'll try...

Seriously? And why the fuck is she texting me? So, J's dogs are stuck in the house for 3 days...KARMA.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I know she doesn't mean to, but sometimes I really feel like my mum belittles me and dismisses my thoughts and feelings. I tried to talk to her about missing my nephew and hoping I could visit home with some frequency, and she commented that it's "funny" how I've always wanted to move away and now I want to be in Austin, totally not taking into account that she *knows* I always intended to visit when I could or listening to the fact that I was talking about wanting to spend a few days there a couple times a year not live there permanently. And what, I'm not allowed to be unhappy where I am just because I chose to be here? She knows I considered moving back to Austin and it was a tough call, yet she acts like I've been running away from it cause I hate it when she knows full well that there were pieces of my life there that I loved. Sometimes I feel like my mum 100% gets me, and sometimes it feels like were worlds apart and she doesn't want to listen to my side, but I never feel like I can tell her that she's not listening or being respectful because she's my mum.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

No sabes la verdad. No te dicho la verdad por no lastimarte. Quizas no estoy haciendo bien pero lo hago por tu bien. Te quise tanto, todavia te quiero mucho. Fuiste alguien especial en mi vida. Siempre seras. Te deseo lo mejor hoy, manana y siempre.

[Laragh]

Sometimes I wonder if I think about Willow and Tara too much, then I watch My Strange Addiction and feel perfectly sane.

[Pavlov'sBell]

Sometimes I wonder if I think about Willow and Tara too much, then I watch My Strange Addiction and feel perfectly sane.

I know the feeling. I think I have too much stuff in my room, but then I watch "Hoarders" and I feel like I have the perfect amount.


Well, it appears that my PC is tired of me making Willow/Tara stuff on it. I tried to make a video of them set to the song "Heaven" by Bryan Adams, and both of my versions of Movie Maker weren't having it