A Moment of Truth

[JustSkipIt]

So I got home yesterday and my wife had been doing raw "cooking" all day. yay for that. only raw cooking is like the messiest thing that's ever happened ever. Seriously. Dishwasher full but run. All the dehydrator trays dirty and on the counter, the food processor, the small food processor, the vitamix, the mandolin (like a fast choppy thing), a huge mixing bowl, various spoons etc, dishes from lunch, food, a plate of chopped tomatoes, a plate of raw cookies. you get the picture. I once took a picture of what it looks like when my wife cooks but she really upset so I don't do that anymore.

Anyway, so I started cleaning and she was leaving for work and said she'd be back in a few hours and I said I would work on the kitchen and she said no need, she will do it tomorrow. And it hit me. I can't. I can't do that. I could not possibly even move around or feed the kids dinner or get a snack or exist in the house without trying to clean somewhat. Just can't.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I am a really selfish person.
I was supposed to go see my sister R today after work, it wasn't 100% but my dad had been pretty sure when we talked last night. So I called on my lunch break but my dad said they didn't know yet when her MRI would be, so I called back a couple hours later and he told me I'd have to wait until tomorrow. I was bummed; I know it's been hard for my family being there and I wished I could be there, be part of it, but I took I wasn't really upset. Then my dad called a little while ago to give me an update and tell me more about how the day went and... hearing about it all made me feel really undervalued. My sister K was at the hospital for most of the day and is spending the night there with their dad tonight, and two of R's friends visited today, and my dad said they still didn't know when the MRI will be happening (he thinks by now it probably won't be until tomorrow) and that the main reason he said no to me coming was that R needed to rest. It's selfish and I feel horribly guilty for it, but I felt annoyed an hurt, like I don't even rank with the friends that got to see her much less K. I'll never be her real sister and that never fails to hurt me. Is it unfair to want to be a part of things? And my dad keeps talking about not knowing when it'll be good for me to visit tomorrow cause things will be so complicated.... It's like I'm just one more complication, when all I want to do is help and be there for support.
I hate this feeling. I should just be happy that my sister's recovering faster than expected and that she got to have some company; instead I mostly just feel hurt and like I don't matter....

[sweet satin lover]

I have to be up out of bed with all the dishes done and my make up on and ready for town in less than half an hour and I am still in my nightie in bed and quite honestly I dont give a to quote Anya "figs ass" Its at times like this I wish I could do a cleaning incantation

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I wish I were about a year or two farther along in my life. I'm super excited that my sister S is having a baby and I think it's awesome that my sister K and her fiance are talking about trying to get pregnangt as soon as they get married in September, but it also makes me a little sad cause part of why K wants to try so soon is so that hopefully her kid can be close in age to S's little one and S's friend who's close to the family wants to try soon as well so that all three of them will have babies around the same time and it makes me a little sad cause I wish I could be part of it. My sisters are ready for having babies and I'm not financially stable enough to be at that point yet and I really wish I could be. Last night my stepmom was joking about it, saying that they have a turkey baster and could get me started, and though I laughed along it hurt because I want to be at a point in my life where I can have a kid, especially now that the next generation is getting started. It would be really great for my kid to have cousins about the same age, and it still might happen with S's next kid or even when my youngest sister's having kids but I wish it could be now.
I hate that I barely make enough money to support myself much less a child :(

[angieb86]

I wish that my high school crush wasn't such a permanent fixture in my life right now. That woman is perfect for me, but she's moving across the country AND she "hanging out" with one of my guy friends from high school.

I really like the guy, but that woman is so drop dead sexy to me...I almost had a Marina/Jenny moment in the bar bathroom tonight. But I held back because I knew she would probably regret it in the morning when she was sober. But then again...What if she wouldn't have regretted it??

I guess I'm gonna find out tomorrow night. There's a mardi gras celebration we're goin to, and maybe I'll be courageous enough to ask some questions.

And what's worse is that I know there are people out there who have bigger problems than what I'm dealing with right now. But out of the crap that I've dealt with over the past 8 years, I'm blessed that this is the most crucial thing going on in my life right now.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I didn't think anything would ever replace Willow and Tara as 'most depressing ending to a TV couple ever,' but I think Rose and the Dr. just did. I really need to stop caring this much about TV.

[JustSkipIt]

Next week we're taking Ash to another specialist. This one works with kids with behavior problems, ADHD, spectrum disorder etc. He's had a lot of success and comes highly recommended and our friend took her daughter to see him. Part of me just wants this to work so so so much. I want him to be... I don't know... easier. I want him to be able to function. I want him to be able to go to school and someday live on his own and get a job. I want people to be able to get to know him and find out just how cool and funny he is and how fun he can be to be around.

So part of me is just counting on this but the other part of me is all afraid to believe that it might work.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

A job I've been planning to apply for finally got posted today. I'm happy that I'll be able to get started with applying and all, but I'm also so ridiculously nervous. I applied for this same exact job last spring, I came close to getting it but someone else was chosen, and yesterday was her last day. I really want the job, but I actually feel less confident about it than I did last year and I really hate rejection and I know I'll feel embarrassed if I'm turned down again :(
On the other hand, if I got it the job would be AMAZING...

[HopeHavoc]

My grandmother died and all I can feel is joy for having known her and anger at our other family members for failing to see what a wonderful person she truly was. If they weren't so wrapped up in themselves maybe she wouldn't have been so cold to them. You know what? No...it wasn't even that she was cold, she just wasn't frivolous. She didn't talk for the sake of talking, she was direct. She spoke with a purpose. If you asked her questions she could go on and on but idle chitchat was not her thing. And now, all I can think about when I think of her is "Beauty, grace and independence. These were hers." This is how I choose to remember the amazing woman that I was fortunate to have known.

Ps. Embalming is one of the most blatant displays of disrespect upon the deceased that ever there was. When I die, I want one of two things to occur. Either, I want that Viking style funerary pyre that my friend said she would give me should I pass before she or I want my body buried in a shallow grave out in the wilderness that nature may take it's proper course. I'm sick of humans fucking with the balance of nature and then bitching about how fucked up shit is. Stop fucking with it then.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Ps. Embalming is one of the most blatant displays of disrespect upon the deceased that ever there was. When I die, I want one of two things to occur. Either, I want that Viking style funerary pyre that my friend said she would give me should I pass before she or I want my body buried in a shallow grave out in the wilderness that nature may take it's proper course. I'm sick of humans fucking with the balance of nature and then bitching about how fucked up shit is. Stop fucking with it then.

My mom has always said she wanted her body dragged into the woods to be eaten by wolves or coyotes. It sounds pretty cool to me, but is unfortunately very illegal. I like your ideas, and would probably pick the shallow grave myself.

[HopeHavoc]

My mom has always said she wanted her body dragged into the woods to be eaten by wolves or coyotes. It sounds pretty cool to me, but is unfortunately very illegal. I like your ideas, and would probably pick the shallow grave myself.

Yeah, my friend, the Viking pyre friend, was at some relative's funeral and she said to her dad "Yeah, you're just gonna walk deep into the woods and die. That's what you're gonna do so that I don't have to deal with any of this bullshit."

Hmmm...I like your mother's idea. Maybe if you like...idk...learn how to drive a plane you can dump the body over a really thick, deep forest. The kind that people get lost in during hikes and then their bodies never get found.

I mean, I seriously do NOT want my body embalmed and then stuck in a box within a box. I mean, how stupid is this....they put the coffin in a concrete casing so that it doesn't cave in when the Earth gets compacted. Who the fuck cares? Unless you're going to dig the box up again to admire it...what does it MATTER if it breaks while it's in the ground? Stupid people are stupid. Ugh.

[HopeHavoc]

My mom has always said she wanted her body dragged into the woods to be eaten by wolves or coyotes. It sounds pretty cool to me, but is unfortunately very illegal. I like your ideas, and would probably pick the shallow grave myself.

Yeah, my friend, the Viking pyre friend, was at some relative's funeral and she said to her dad "Yeah, you're just gonna walk deep into the woods and die. That's what you're gonna do so that I don't have to deal with any of this bullshit."

Hmmm...I like your mother's idea. I'm sure there's SOME way to take the body into the middle of a really thick, deep forest. The kind that people get lost in during hikes and then their bodies never get found. Hell, I would settle for my loved ones doing to me what they did to our dog and burying me in the backyard and slapping a tree on top.

I mean, I seriously do NOT want my body embalmed and then stuck in a box within a box. I mean, how stupid is this....they put the coffin in a concrete casing so that it doesn't cave in when the Earth gets compacted. Who the fuck cares? Unless you're going to dig the box up again to admire it...what does it MATTER if it breaks while it's in the ground? Stupid people are stupid. Ugh.

[Nue]

today I was at the hospital visiting my mother.. she´s doing a lot better, she´s recovering and she should be at home this Friday... I´m so glad, we don´t have a great relationship, but she´s still my mother and I love her...

(I know, I´m babbling, I have a point, I swear)

so, my grandma was there too today, she´s a sweet 78 yo lady and I adore her, she´s probably the most amazing woman I ever met. We were talking about silly things and I was doing some exercises on my mother´s legs, then two women came in, one of then with a guitar.. they said they´re music therapists and they asked my mother to choose a song, so they could sing for her... My mother choose a song and then, my grandma started to cry. Seeing her like that, I start to cry too... Then my mother saw us and started to cry as well.

today is my aunt´s 50th birthday. And she passed away last December... I don´t know why I was crying, cause I´m feeling so blessed cause my mother is alive and she´s gonna to be fine, but I miss my aunt... and seeing my grandma grieving for my aunt was so freaking sad...

[sweet satin lover]

You think like me, you feel emotions the way I do. You know me inside out. I love you.

[Guest]

You can't eat gold. You can't eat money. Get seeds. Get water. Then you have abundance.

Amen.

[Emms]

It's almost 1:00 am and I'm not able to fall asleep tonight. I've had a problem with anxiety practically all my life and tonight is a really bad night. I wish I could talk to my wife about my anxiety but she's been going to work at 5:00am most mornings this week and hasn't really been accessible ('cos with the sleeping). Most of me wants to wake her up but part of me wants to let her sleep. hm... I guess I'll be comforting myself tonight.

plus... I wish I could stop thinking about work when i'm not there.


xoxo
Emms

[JujuDeRoussie]

It's almost 1:00 am and I'm not able to fall asleep tonight. I've had a problem with anxiety practically all my life and tonight is a really bad night. I wish I could talk to my wife about my anxiety but she's been going to work at 5:00am most mornings this week and hasn't really been accessible ('cos with the sleeping). Most of me wants to wake her up but part of me wants to let her sleep. hm... I guess I'll be comforting myself tonight.

plus... I wish I could stop thinking about work when i'm not there.


xoxo
Emms

Well, it definitely isn't what you're expecting, but *hugs*

OT: I wish money would fall from the sky or not be needed, because I really would love to just try to write and later be a mom at home.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I would give so much to take the distance away. A part of me believes it will magically work itself out someday, but the rational side of me is sure it's impossible.
She's the person I'm closest to in the whole universe and we're thousands of miles apart and I don't see that every changing and it sucks. I love how close we are, she's such an amazing friend, but sometimes it makes me sad because I just want to be able to give her a hug or watch TV with her or show up at her house in the middle of the night when I know she's upset and can't sleep and can't do any of that and though the friendship we have is great I wish so much it could be different.

The world is too big :(

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I love The Dixie Chicks, but a couple of their songs still hit too close to home. For someone who's lived as little as I have I've got a lot of emotional baggage... Sometimes I just wanna kick myself and tell myself to get over it already.

[Finey_McFine]

Sometimes when you have kids you have moments, some big - some little, they come at you out of nowhere and you have to be prepared. My daughter (who is 11) and I had one on the way to her softball game this morning. It was clearly something that she'd been thinking about for some time.

J: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Me: Sure
J: How do gay guys get HIV? I mean, I understand how girls can get it from boys, but 2 guys?
Me: Uhhhh, are you sure you want to go there?
J: Yes, it's bothering me.
Me: Ok.

So I explained it to her in as much detail as I thought she could handle and without saying the word penis, because every time that word is mentioned, she screams at the top of her lungs, lol. Anyway, when I was done, I looked over at her and I wish I could describe the look she had on her face...because it was priceless!

Me: Do you understand it better now?
J: Unfortunately, yes, but I kinda wish I'd never asked.
Me: Why?
J: Cuz it's embarrassing talking to your Mom about this stuff.
Me: Sex is a natural thing Honey and one day you're gonna want to do it. One day far, far in the future...like when you're 30.
J: Moooommm!
Me: Look, it's better that you understand how things work.
J: Well, I don't think I'll ever want to do it, so you don't have to worry.
Me: What made you start thinking about this anyway?
J: Buffy.
Me: Buffy? I don't think gay male sex and HIV were ever a part of Buffy.
J: I was watching it on Logo last night and saw a commercial.
Me: So, it's all Buffy's fault?
J: Yep.
Me: Anything else you'd like for me to explain?
J: NO! This is it right? The sex talk? Because I don't think I can take anymore. Can we listen to the radio now?

And so the awkward silence began..........

[Nue]

Me: So, it's all Buffy's fault?
J: Yep.

your daughter is so adorable ^^


My moment? It´s awkward being responsible for myself... it´s scary and weird, but I can´t wait to do that ^^ I´m finally moving out o/ and I´m hopeful ^^

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I hate being in school. I'm doing well, I've made As on every assignment I've gotten back for the semester so far, but I hate it. Even when I take time to myself, which I do more than I should, I feel guilty about it cause I always know there's something else I *should* be doing and it's hard for me to really enjoy myself. Right now I know I have an assignment due in less than an hour and I can't even bring myself to care and get it done. I detest homework and my self-discipline sucks :(
I've gotten it in my head to do this for several years to come, work full time or as close it as I can and take 2-3 classes a semester. It's a lot of work but if I just had the discipline I could do it fine. I wish so much that I could just *like* being in school. I love my Human Growth and Development class, because it's fascinating and there's no homework, but you don't get many college classes where all you have to do all semester outside of class is study for the (easy) tests and do one small project. Other classes, even when the material interests me, end up being unpleasant because there's always work I don't want to do.

My truth is I've got this life in my head, what the next few years are going to be like, and I'm not sure I want to live it.

[JustSkipIt]

Shel - I recently had to explain how a man and woman make a baby to my seven year old. His girlfriend/fiance knows how but he wanted to know from me. He seemed very overwhelmed snd asked what if they couldn't figure it out and would I help. I felt so bad for him but tried to reassure him that they will have no problem when they are ready after they finish college.

[sweet satin lover]

I am sick of feeling this way. I dont know how to react.

[angieb86]

High school crush. Over a decade, it's been. And since we've been hanging out for the past few months, sneaking around in bar bathrooms like a couple of horny toads, my moment of truth is in about 9 hours. We are meeting for lunch.

Can we have a decent time together without the influence of alcohol and the strange and provocative allure of unusually clean bar bathrooms?

I've built up so much nervous energy right now, I'm probably not gonna make it to sleep tonight.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Life is going to change me, but I refuse to let it be for the worse.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have so much homework to do, plus I need to keep searching for a house to rent, but the end of my day was such crap, to the point of making me doubt almost everything, that all I want to do is read and watch tv to block it all out and try to forget...

[JustSkipIt]

You know that thing where people go would you cheat on your wife if you knew you wouldn't get caught? Like a spaceship lands etc.?

Yeah. I think I would right now.

[JustSkipIt]

I don't feel like feeding back any stories. I owe fb on at least 5 or 6 updates but I just feel lazy...

[sweet satin lover]

I really wish she lived here...