Calling all Kittens! Help needed!!

[TheBunnySlayer]

Hey Kittens,



I'm in desperate need of help. I haven't been here in a while, but when I found myself in need of non-judgemental, actual advice, I couldn't think of a better place to turn. (I mean that in a good way.) So I came by and saw the great response someone else got to their call for help (the thread 'Anyone?') and decided I had finally come to the right place. I hope. I'm in a very interesting and sort of unusual situation I guess. I am an FtM transsexual. I am 20 years old right now, will turn 21 in August. I am in an long-distance relationship with a female who will turn 17 in April. We're very deeply in love, which most people always sneer at because of the fact that she's only 17 and because we met online. But its the real deal. When you know you know. There's a big long amazing love story of losing and finding each other, forgiveness and all that, but it would take too long. Just suffice to say this is Willow/Tara 'I am, you know' 'she's my everything' 'I'll always find you' 'can you just be kissing me now?' soulmates we're talking about here.



The problem is with her parents. They think my girl and I stopped talking long ago when she found out that I'm FtM. We did, but she came back to me and forgave me and we've been dating for six months now. We tried being friends, but that didn't work out. You can't fight the soulmate factor. So we've been successfully sneaking around for six months. We plan on meeting at the end of August 2005. After she graduates from high school and has time to spend the summer saving up money so we can go to New York together and live happily ever after. Everything has been fine with this plan. Until recently. Her parents are not nice people. I'd go so far as to say mean, evil, nasty people, but I could just be biased. But they're just awful to her. She and her father had a fight recently and afterwards she heard her mother asking him why he had never loved her. She didn't stick around to hear the answer. But he's just the sort of dad who only notices her when she messed up.



Her mom is very emotionally abusive. She makes my girl feel like absolute crap. She constantly tells her what a screw up she is and that she's a 'bad person' whatever that means. She also says things like 'Why did you have to be the one who lived?' because she had two miscarriages. She has slept in the same bed with my girl for four years now after a flood ruined her own bedroom. Four years seems like plenty of time to fix her room to me. But she refused to move out of my girlfriend's room. Not just her room, but her BED. Being 17 yrs old and forced to sleep with your mother is very demeaning and makes her feel like a child. She can't even have friends over because of this. She has asked her mother repeatedly and and explained clearly her reasons for wanting the privacy of her own room, or at least her own bed. Her mother refuses. It is purely a control issue. There is no other explanation for it. She won't GIVE an explanation for it. She just refuses. There are just lots and lots of things like that. No physical abuse, but verbal and emotional abuse ... things that can't be proven, but are no less harmful. They are slowly killing her with their constant belittling and refusal to respect her or treat her in any way like an adult. Yes, she's still a minor and in their care, but at a certain point a parent has to accept that its time to start relinquishing little bits of control in order to prepare someone for the real world. They aren't doing this. There's no reason for this. My girlfriend is NOT a bad person. She isn't out of control or doing drugs or anything like that. Yet they insist on telling her how horrible she is and how they have nothing to be proud of her for.



She has been left with almost no sense of self-esteem. The proud and self-assured girl I once knew is gone ... she's started believing what they say about her. It used to be fairly easy for me to cheer her up or reassure her or her worth and my love. But now its harder and harder ... what was once a very healthy relationship is being destroyed by them. She's become very needy and if I'm not here or accidentally late or just about anything, she becomes very distraught and feels like she's lost me too. I hate this. I hate what they've done to her. She's slipping away from me and I don't know how to fight it She keeps talking about wanting to die She says she won't kill herself because she can't do that to me, but I'm afraid every time we say good-bye now that I won't be enough to keep her grounded. I don't think she will commit suicide. But she's slowly losing her will to live .... i've been tempted just to call her mother and confess if it means getting her help for this depression, but I think it would only make things worse and she, of course, would never trust me again.



So now as her 17th birthday approaches, the subject keeps coming up of her running away. She lives in Texas and if she did run away its our understanding that the police would not look for her or force her to return home. I've gone to a Texas law board where many many people were asking this same question and all in desperate need of help and the people who were supposed to be helping gave religious answers rather than legal ones. There was much moralizing and 'its wrong to shack up' and 'no one will ever you love more than your parents.' I think a lot of Kittens sadly may be able to attest to the fact that that last thing simply isn't true ... sometimes are parents just don't love us. Or they do love us, but in weird twisted controlling ways that kill us.



So its becoming a very frustrated search for answers. And I'm feeling increasinly lost and helpless. This isn't what I wanted. My own sister ran away at 17 and her life was shit for several years. But she ran away out of rebellion not because she NEEDED to. My girl absolutely needs out of that home. If there's some other way than running away, I'd love for her to take it. But I don't know how ... you can't really prove emotional abuse i don't think. So I'm just at a complete loss now. I don't want her to drop out of school, i've refused to do anything until i find out if she can switch schools ... I don't want to get in trouble because of our age difference. Me being in jail won't help either of us. But does that even matter since technically I'm still female. I don't know. So many questions and so little answers.



But I can't just leave her there anymore ... if I don't do something and she DOES kill herself, I'll feel responsible my whole life because I said no when she asked me to get her out of there. She has lots of friends she can talk to about me, but there are no adults she trusts enough to go to with all of this. Most anyone she goes to would probably blame it on me, say that I'm trying to lead her astray, that I'm turning her against her parents ... which is just not true. If anything, I've tried to keep her from turning against them. I've tried to reassure her that maybe someday they'll come around about our relationship. I try not to say bad things about them to her. i didn't WANT this for her or for us ... but now all I want is my girlfriend back. I'm desperate to know what to do. I can't give up on her. I can't lose her. We lost each other and then found each other again and for what? For this? Just for more torment that if I didn't know better I'd think was straight from the mind of Joss & Co. God, I wish it were as simple as hitting the Hell God in the head with some magical hammer or whatever and voila! Girlfriend back to normal ... but I know its not, and I just ... I don't have the slightest idea what do right now. I just know that something has to be done or I'm going to lose her forever. And i just won't do that. She's my girl ...



So there's my sad story. I'm sorry if it was incoherent or anything. And I'm sorry that its so long. I hope I havent' broken any rules or anything with this. And I know my spelling must be atrocious, but its very late and I'm very upset and I just don't know where to turn anymore. I don't know what it is I'm after from the Kittens. Legal advice, personal advice, help from anyone whose in LDRs or whose dealt with depression or suicidal thoughts or crazy parents or any of the above. Maybe I just needed to tell our story, send it out into the void of cyberspace that first brought my girl to me and hope that enough people will be touched enough to offer up their prayers to whomever or whatever they believe in to actually make a difference because I'm kinda prayed out ... I don't know. Just anything. My friends don't understand. My family thinks she's just trying to trick me, which is absolutely ludicrous. I just ... I know her. I may never have actually held her in my arms, but I know her better than anyone else ever could. She's not making this up. Its real and its killing her and we need help .... so please .... help.

[FlyingPoppy]

I don't want to go into stuff here, but pm me, ok?

For yesterday is but a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision; but today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope.
It's never too late to be who you might have been.

[Iamyouknowyours]

Thebunnyslayer-



Wow. That's just rough. I don't envy you for all you are going through right now. I have to say, given my limited knowledge of your situation, I don't think running away is the best answer. Even if it helps your girl I fear she might always resent you for it. Also, if you were to be arrested for kidnapping or statutory rape that could make things even worse. It's too bad she isn't turning 18. Again, this is just my opinion. I'm not familiar with the legal aspects of your situation. I think perhaps a better solution would be for her to seek emansipation from her parents, if this is possible. Obviously her living situation is NOT HEALTHY. Her parents are verbally abusive and that sleeping in bed with her mother thing is pretty twisted. At the very least please go and tell her to talk to a councelor at school as soon as possible. She has to go to school, so her parents can't cut off that access and don't even need to know about it. Councelors with all sorts of child abuse and problems in the home and perhaps they would be in a better situation to help her. Also if she is clinically depressed, which she may well be from your description, she needs help with that before she does anything to harm herself.



I believe there are several suicide hotlines. I don't know the number off-hand, but it is probably online or in a phone book. Tell her to call it. They can also give her advice on how to deal with the preassures outside and within her causing her to want to cut her life short.



I am so sorry you are having to go through all this, you and your girl both. However I am proud of you for sticking by her, no matter how tough the times.



email me if you ever need a friend to listen

eltonsgod@aol.com



Good luck.

[urnofosiris]

I was hoping you were going to ask something about FTM stuff, maybe then I could have said something more helpful. This sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I think Iamyouknowyours gave the best advice. Before doing anything else, talk to a counselor or another kind of professional, someone who can look her in the eye and hear her voice.

[Tempest Duer]

Oh, damn. What a story. I'm sorry you had to tell it. I honestly wish I had advice to give you, but I'm just going to echo Garfield and say that Iamyouknowyours has the right idea here.



Lawyers are a necessary evil. If I were in your position and had money, I'd find a lawyer and see what I can do about the mother from a legal standpoint because her abuse, being the cause of the problem, has to be stopped at all costs.



I'm sorry I can't be of any help, but I can give you my support, so you have it.

Saying that up is down will not make up, down.



~Gene Burns

[amberbensontotallyrules4e]

Hey

I just wanna add my support and say that, whilst I don't know much about the situation you're in, I'll listen if you want to talk, and I'll give you as much help and advice as I can. I've not been in either situation, but I've done LDR (am doing), and I've been clinically depressed, so if you want to hear what helped me and how, given my limited knowledge of the situation, I think you should try to deal, then email me at hansonrule4eva@msn.com or I'm on MSN at the same address.

But just here, I agree that the best thing to do is to encourage your girlfriend to get in touch with a counsellor, and try to talk things through.

I'm praying for you and your girlfriend, and I hope that everything works out for you both if I don't speak to you.

L'Hayim

Rachel

xox

*****************************************************************

"Baby have you got to go away? Don't think I can take the pain. Won't you stay another day...?"~ East 17, sad but true

[Sassette]

Okay - other than the fact that I'm very sorry you and your girlfriend are in this situation, because it sucks, I have two constructive things to say.



First - I seem to recall that taking a minor across state lines is a federal crime, so do not do this under any circumstances. Even if she wants to go with you, you will be arrested. As you are the person over the age of 18, you are the one who will end up with a rap sheet if things go horribly wrong, so be very, very careful. In a situation like this, I would see it as being very tempting to ride to the rescue, but here's the bottom line: you will not be able to help her from jail, nor will you enjoy the experience (this is also, btw, Rule #17 for a Happy Life: Don't Go To Jail).



Second - emancipation is absolutely the way to go in this situation. Emotional abuse, though harder to prove as you say, is still abuse and a case can likely be made. Talking to a school counselor is a good choice, though I don't know how applicable it is in this particular situation, as you've said she doesn't have any adults around she can trust. Assuming this means she doesn't trust her school counselors, this is an issue. Here's what you do: first, she absolutely has to have a job ... no judge will emancipate a minor who cannot support themselves. Second, you need a lawyer who will start the process. This is trickier if she doesn't have an adult she can trust. I don't know how she identifies as far as her own orientation, but given the situation, probably 'straight'; however, she may qualify for help from one of the organizations that exist to help queer teens because she is dating a FtM transgender. These people have experience with abusive families and placing teenagers elsewhere, as, sadly, it is often necessary for a gay teen to get away from a very bad family situation once their orientation is discovered. As they have this experience, they're a good place to start in asking for help. Do an internet search on google for 'gay youth counseling' and see what pops. Place a few calls and get some referrals about who to contact with questions about the legal issues involved.



At this point, your only legal option, really, is to do some homework on all of your girlfriend's options, so she can get the help she needs. She (and by extension, you) is really going to need professional advice, for both dealing with her depression and for legal emancipation.



Best of luck to you both,

Sass

[TheBunnySlayer]

Well, I have good news. I'd like to thank everyone for their prayers and support and ideas. I spend the last week frantically researching my options and I had talked her into going to the school counselor and then that fell apart when she and her dad had to meet with him about school stuff and she didn't trust him after that and just ... yeah, she was horribly upset and it seemed like things couldn't get any worse. But as they say, its always darkest before the dawn. Today her mother suddenly woke up and realized her daughter was seriously in trouble and they talked and my girlfriend told her everything that's been bothering her (except about us) and her mom has agreed to get her professional help and we're both just ... completely stunned. Came out of nowhere. Her mom said she would try and be better and more considerate. I don't know about the bed thing. I don't think I'll be really happy til that weirdness stops, but my girl is happy, at least for tonight, and she's going to get the help she needs so ... I'm happy too. Thanks again, everyone.

[Tempest Duer]

Wow. That's fantastic.

Saying that up is down will not make up, down.



~Gene Burns