JustSkipIt: "Poor Tara" is a very commonly used expression on the KB. Which is sad, because we love Tara. Then why do we hurt her so??? Perhaps because when we bring her down so low, it's all the more wonderful when Willow raises her back up and then some. Will that very thing happen in the final chapter posted below?!?!?
Azirahael: Aww, a very kind sentiment. I know, doesn't this genre rule? But then again all W/T genres do kick some form of ass. Like AU no hellmouth. What's that? I'm going to be posting an AU no hellmouth story in the near future? Holy shameless self promoting plug batman! But seriously though I appreciate the feedback so very much. I always forget how happy writing makes me so when I get feedback like this, I'm encouraged to go back and write so it's a constant rediscovery. Thank you
Title: Crossing the Line
Author: Royo Nobus (J.J.)
Feedback: I still consider myself a fairly new author so any helpful feedback you can offer would be very much appreciated!
Spoilers: No offense, but if anything up to the end of 'New Moon Rising' is a spoiler I think you're on the wrong site...
Rating: This story is rated G-PG throughout (sorry). It's a mix between me not really knowing how to write smut and also my belief that they actually didn't sleep together this early in the relationship.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything here belongs to those involved with the creation of the greatest show ever televised
Summary: A line is drawn between friendship and romance in every relationship, but for two young wiccas that line is beginning to blur. A S4 fill-in-the-blanks fic with the sweetest moments we never got to see.
Notes: The final chapter consists of three vignettes which take place throughout the episode 'New Moon Rising.' If you're familiar with the episode, you'll know where everything is. Some dialogue here is *ahem* 'borrowed' from the episode but only because i think it is some of the most beautiful dialogue ever written. I hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed (re)writing it.
Postnote: If I seem a little Oz-heavy here, it's because I was writing an Oz fic at the time which coincided with this so I was trying to develop the character. But I gave up on the story and reworked this one so it makes slightly more sense.
Chapter 11--
Choices pt IIWillow was devastated. Tara had stopped by only to be met by Oz. She could only imagine what Tara must have thought. She turned to Oz as panic began to set in.
"Oz," she began, "look, I'm really sorry but I can't do breakfast. Not—not now I… There's just too much right now."
Oz was disappointed to say the least. He hadn't expected that Willow would agree to his suggestion of sleeping in, it had been a rather bold move, but breakfast had been her idea. He really wanted to spend time with her. But he knew better than to push. He knew that he was still in the wrong. He came back so that Willow might forgive him, might take him back, and he knew that until she made a decision he had to give her space.
He smiled softly at her, his eyes conveying nothing but compassion. "Whatever you want Will," he said. He took her hand in his, stroked the back of it with his thumb and stared deeply into her eyes. At that moment, Willow felt everything rushing back to her; all of the joy and all of the pain that Oz had brought her. He held her hand for only a fraction of a second and then left the room, closing the door behind him. Willow's mind was a blur and it was all she could do to not break down crying.
She made her way over to her bed and collapsed on it. She'd had no idea she could ever feel so helpless. Nothing made sense to her anymore and she didn't know what to do with herself. Out of the corner of her eye she saw something lying in her closet. She got up to retrieve it. It was a large stuffed dog that Oz had gotten for her on her birthday the previous year.
"I couldn't find a werewolf pez like you asked, or even a dog one for some reason, but I got you this." He said smiling. He removed his hand from behind his back, exposing the stuffed canine. "Happy birthday Will."
Willow was utterly speechless. "I-I love it," she said. She looked up at him and smiled. "Oz…what did I ever do to deserve a boyfriend as thoughtful as you?" she asked.
He laughed. "It's nothing you did Will, it's the way you are. You are the most wonderful girl—scratch that—the most amazing person, I have ever met in my life. No matter what, you bring out the best in me. I love you Will. More than anything else in my life, I love you."
Willow smiled, absolutely overcome with emotion. "I know," she said. "I know all of that."
"How's that?" he asked.
"Well, for one thing I don't think I've ever heard you use that many words in one sitting," she teased. He laughed. There was nobody like his Will. She continued. "Mostly though, I know all that 'cause I feel it too. I feel it all the time. Oz, I don't know what I'd do if I was without you."
"Well," he smiled, holding up the dog, "it doesn't matter. You'll never need to find out." He handed it to her and she held it close. "Now, I'll be there with you, even when I'm not 'there.' But I won't let you worry about being without me. I swear to you, that I will never leave you."But he had. He left her suddenly and painfully. He broke the promise he had made to her. She clutched the stuffed animal close to her heart, as if to soothe the pain. Oz's departure had left her hollow and hurting but, as everyone had assured her they would, things had gotten better. They had gotten so much better, in fact, that she had actually managed to fall in love again—something she hadn't believed would ever be possible. Now she didn't know where she stood. She decided to take a deep breath and try to approach the situation rationally, objectively assessing her options individually.
There was Oz. Willow's first love. For a long time her only love. He was the one who had shown her what it was like to be in a relationship, the one who made her feel what it was like to love and to be loved. She could hardly disengage the two concepts—love and Oz—from one another. But he had also been the first to show her heartbreak; true emotional pain. Pain even worse than what she had felt because of Xander. Whenever she was with Oz now, she experienced the novelty of first love and the devastation of a broken heart all at once. It made her feel like she was going to explode from the sheer intensity of the emotions. He had softened her heart only to cut into deeper than she would have thought possible. He left her with a scar on her heart.
But then there was Tara. Tara, who had been the one to heal that scar. In some ways, Willow considered Tara to be her first love as well. What she shared with Oz in no way prepared her for what it was like to be in love with Tara. And she had no doubts that she truly was in love with the girl. But with Oz, love had just been emotional connection and physical attraction. With Tara on the other hand, though those factors were there as well, there was something else. Willow and Tara connected on what Willow could only describe as a spiritual level. There was only good inside the girl, and she would never hurt her.
Having assessed the pros and cons of each option, Willow had ultimately decided…nothing. She abandoned her attempt. She knew that this was a problem that could not be solved with rational thought. Only her heart knew what to do, and she was sure it was speaking to her, but she couldn't quite hear it over all the noise in her head.
Willow looked down at the dog. "What about you Mr. Puppy? Any thoughts on the matter?" She sighed. "Didn't think so…"
What she needed was somebody to talk to. She knew she couldn't go to Xander, he would probably be somewhat…thrown by the idea that his closest friend was having feelings for another woman. Giles was out of the question too. While he did have a degree of insight that she could have used in this situation, none of the Scoobies had ever felt quite comfortable asking him for relationship advice. Buffy had attempted to explain this phenomenon stating that "it would just be too ooky."
Buffy. That was who Willow really needed to talk to, but even then she couldn't be sure how she would react. Besides, lately Buffy had been so wrapped up in her own business, specifically Riley, to be bothered with anyone else's life.
Willow was ashamed for thinking something like that, knowing that it wasn't fair to Buffy. She sighed deeply, quietly chuckling at how often she'd been sighing over the last twenty-four hours. The doorknob clicked and she looked up as Buffy walked in.
Moment of truth Rosenburg, gotta make a choice…--::::--::::--::::--::::--::::--::::--::::--
Tara was alone in her room. She couldn't bear to be around anyone at the moment. She would have to go to class eventually, but thankfully she didn't think she would be able to cry anymore even if she tried.
He went into her dorm last night and was there this morning. In the same outfit no less. As far as she was concerned, that only could have meant one thing: Willow had made a choice, and Tara hadn't been the one who was chosen.
She felt a massive void in her chest where she knew her heart should be. She couldn't breathe and she couldn't feel anything. All she knew was that the one thing that had made her the happiest had just been stripped away from her. She suddenly felt less than whole. She realized that she was just feeling the same way she had felt all her life, only now she knew what it was to be whole, and she missed it. Her red-haired goddess had been taken away from her but she would still give anything just to be near the girl again. As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. Tara knew it could only possibly be one person.
Tara opened the door, her face expressionless as she saw Willow standing in the doorway.
"Hi," said the redhead softly.
Tara took a moment as she was once again overwhelmed by her feelings for Willow. "Hi," she responded, trying to smile. She felt the sides of her mouth twitch but knew it wasn't convincing. Of course it's not that she wasn't happy to see Willow; that could never happen. She was simply so swamped with so many conflicting emotions that no one could win out over another. Realizing that they were still standing in the doorway, Tara motioned for Willow to come inside.
"I can only stay for a minute, I have class," Willow explained, desperate to say something.
"Me too," Tara responded, closing the door after Willow, "I-I have class too…" she knew it was a pointless thing to say but she so desperately wanted to make conversation. To not waste the little time she had with Willow.
They stood in silence for a moment before Willow began to speak. "I just want you to know that—that what you saw this morning it wasn't…"
"No, it's okay," Tara said, trying to sound supportive. In reality she simply couldn't bear to hear the words come out of Willow's mouth. "I-I always knew that if he came back—"
"We were just talking," Willow said cutting her off. She knew Tara was hurting and couldn't bear to see her this way. "Nothing happened."
Tara was immediately hit with a wave of relief. She was so distraught that she hadn't even considered that possibility. She immediately broke into a smile. "Oh," she said softly. Hardly believing that it could be true she added: "Really?"
Willow nodded. "But, you know, it was intense. Just…talking." And it had been. All of the feelings that Oz brought back to her had made the night at times unbearably intense. Willow noticed that being with Tara, even in the same room as her, was helping to put her at ease. "We have a lot to talk about," she added, "I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode."
Tara felt for her. She didn't want Willow to be in pain no matter what, even if it meant that Tara's own heart may break. "Whatever, you know, happens…I'll still be here," she said trying to sound reassuring, "I'll still be your friend."
Willow was horrified. It had never even occurred to her that they may no longer be friends after Willow made her choice. Tara was such a big part of Willow's life now that she couldn't imagine it without the blonde. "Of course we'll still be friends," she said, on the verge of tears. "That's not even a question."
Tara could tell she had upset her love, so she tried to explain herself further. She hated playing devil's advocate but she felt it had to be done. Seeing the pain in Willow's eyes, Tara was almost brought to tears herself. "But I'm saying…I know what Oz means to you."
Willow contemplated this for a second. "How can you, when I'm not even sure." Tara began to move closer to her, to try and comfort her. "I mean, I know what he meant to me." She looked into Tara's eyes expecting to see sadness or pain, but all she found was compassion and deep, deep love. She instantly felt how lucky she was to have somebody who cared so much. Buffy had been understanding of her situation earlier, mostly, but she didn't really seem to care. Trying not to get distracted by the beauty and love in the other witch's eyes Willow continued on her train of thought. "But he left and…everything changed, I changed and…" she looked up at Tara again, back into her eyes where she found that the girl's compassion had not faltered. "…then we…"
"What?" Tara asked, effectively interrupting Willow, knowing that if she mentioned anything about the love they shared right now, it would hurt that much more when she left.
Willow felt very much at a loss. She had no idea where to find the right words to say. "I don't know," she said desperately, "I just… Life was starting to get so good…again and…" she moved closer to Tara as if to emphasize her point, "you're a big part of that. And here comes the thing I wanted most of all and…I don't know what to do, I wanna know but…I don't." By now tears were streaming down her face.
Needing to comfort the girl in some way, Tara drew close and gently stroked Willow's cheek. Staring directly into her eyes, she told her: "Do what makes you h-h-happy."
Now crying in earnest Willow couldn't take it any longer and immediately drew Tara into a deep embrace. Tara felt numb. She returned Willow's hug hoping that it would assuage her fear that Willow truly may leave her. They embraced for a full minute until Willow pulled back a little with the intent to leave. Seeing Tara's face however she was overwhelmed by the urge to kiss her and succumbed to it.
The two kissed deeply, still locked in their embrace. There was so much passion and emotion in the kiss that every second made them crave more. Both were still crying and would occasionally taste the other's salty tears on their tongues. Captured in the moment, Tara unconsciously unzipped Willow's sweater and tossed it to the floor. Neither was entirely aware of what was happening or totally conscious of their actions. Soon, however, Tara noticed Willow's hand on the small of her back, reaching up her shirt.
Immediately, Tara pulled away. She wouldn't allow it to happen like this. She knew that if they did anything, Willow would make her decision based solely on a singular moment of weakness, and that wouldn't be fair to anybody involved. Both girls stared at each other for a moment.
"I-I'm so sorry," Willow said. Her face was red and puffy both from crying and from embarrassment. She had been utterly taken over by a need for comfort. "I'll go, I'm sorry." She rushed out of the room, fearing her face would catch fire.
"W-will, you forgot your…" Tara called, but she was gone. Tara walked to where the sweater lay and picked it up. She held it to her face and inhaled deeply. She could only hope that this whole ordeal would be over soon, one way or the other.
She put on the sweater, feeling comforted by the warmth and the smell. She then grabbed her things and headed to class.
--::::--::::--::::--::::--::::--::::--::::--
Tara was sitting on the chair in her room looking out the window. She had been sitting this way for the better part of three hours; not working, just thinking. Growing up without many friends, Tara had mastered the art of quiet contemplation. She realized it was dark. The power must have gone out at some point. It was better in the dark.
The day had taken a great toll on Tara. Between the emotional pain and the trauma of being attacked by Oz, she hardly had any strength left. She knew that Willow would come eventually. Come to tell her that she had made a choice, and that she had chosen Oz. Tara saw it in her eyes earlier. When Willow rushed off to tell Buffy of the circumstances of Oz's capture, she saw the deepest concern in Willow's eyes. She knew who the concern was for and it broke her heart. But she had to accept it.
Finally, there was a knock at the door. The moment Tara was dreading had come. But at least she would get to see Willow again.
She walked slowly to the door and opened it. She couldn't help but sigh as she saw how wonderfully beautiful Willow looked by candlelight.
Willow looked around nervously. She had been so concerned for Tara's safety earlier that she rushed off before even saying goodbye. She was incredibly worried that Tara would hate her for this. "No candles?" she asked innocently. "Well, I brought one…it's extra-flamey." She had been working on that for hours and now felt that it sounded incredibly stupid out loud.
Tara looked at her, her expression caught between smiling and sobbing. It was so thoughtful of Willow to bring a candle and so adorable that she had dubbed it 'extra-flamey.' But she knew what was coming and couldn't bring herself to be happy. She accepted the candle and backed away slightly as Willow entered the room.
"Tara I have to tell you…" Willow began. She knew she was prone to not knowing what to say, so she had made sure to prepare this speech.
"No, I-I understand," Tara interjected, once again not able to bear hearing Willow say the words, so she decided to say them herself. "You have to be with the person you l-love."
Willow was only slightly disappointed that she wouldn't get a chance to give her speech but she realized that Tara had just given her a great opening. "I am," she said sweetly, her voice conveying exactly how much she felt for the blonde.
Tara was utterly confounded. Never in a million years did she expect that Willow was going to tell her that. Of course, she had been pretending that it might happen; daydreaming. But the fact that it was really happening surprised the witch completely. "You mean…" she said, desperately seeking clarification. Hoping to the Goddess her ears hadn't deceived her.
"I mean," confirmed Willow. "Okay?"
"Oh yes," Tara responded. She had never been so happy in her life. All of the pain she had experienced over the last few days dissipated immediately. The past didn't matter. All that mattered was the beautiful moment they were sharing in the present and the wonderful future she knew was ahead.
"I feel horrible about everything I put you through," Willow said moving closer to her girlfriend. Her girlfriend. Tara was her girlfriend. Willow was absolutely elated at the thought. "And I'm gonna make it up to you, starting right now," she said, unable to control her happiness for much longer.
"Right now?" Tara asked, still hardly able to believe what was happening. Willow nodded in confirmation, and Tara blew out the candle. She placed it on the ground and wrapped Willow in a tight embrace. The two kissed; this time out of pure joy and love rather than passion and comfort. They kissed deeply, simply basking in the ecstasy of the other's touch. After who knows how long they separated, resting their foreheads against each other and both smiling uncontrollably.
"Will?" Tara said. "I'm so happy. Is this really happening?"
Willow smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips. "You tell me."
Tara grabbed her by the hand and led her to the bed. They both sat down on the edge and stared into each other's eyes, both having now adjusted to the darkness.
"I love you so much Tara," offered the redhead. "I know these last few days were probably harder on you than me. And I am so, so sorry for that."
"Willow, sweetie, it's okay," Tara said. Nothing about the previous days could hurt her anymore. She was past cloud nine, she couldn't describe her elation. "Everything is okay now. I'll be fine as long as you're with me."
Willow smiled. "Then you will always be fine." They resumed their kissing for a few more minutes until Willow, ever the worrier, pulled away again. "Are you sure you're okay?" she asked.
"I'm fine, really," answered the blonde, smiling at her new girlfriend's gesture of compassion. "I'm just exhausted is all. But I promise I'm alright."
Willow smiled. "If you're exhausted you should sleep."
"But…" Tara began.
"Don't worry," Willow cut her off, "I'll be here with you."
Tara smiled and the two moved up on the bed and embraced. They crawled under the covers, remaining in contact the entire time. Tara quickly fell asleep as Willow held her. Willow leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"I'll be here with you," she whispered. "Always."