I sat down to write a songfic from Willow's point of view set post brain-suckage. A friend of mine challenged me to write something from Tara's point of view. So here it is. It's a two part one shot...or a two-shot, I guess. I'm not very fond of the first part, but I'm not one to turn down a challenge.
Obviously I don't own Willow or Tara. I don't own the song either, it's called "Anabel" and it's by an unbelievable woman named Dessa who does a lot of hip hop and spoken word out of Minneapolis, she also has a pretty singing voice. It's a really poignant and unbelievably haunting song, there's a video on youtube if you're interested.
This is rated PG. Nothing naughty, nasty, or fun. A tiny cuss word that really isn't a cuss word.
I also just realized it doesn't have a title. Oh well, here it is:
Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Adams, Jackson, Van Buren, Harrison, Tyler, Polk, Taylor, Fillmore, Pierce, Buchanan, Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Hayes, Garfield, Aruthur, Cleveland, Harrison, Cleveland, McKinley, Roosevelt, Taft, Wilson, Harding, Coolidge, Hoover, Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, JFK, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagen, Bush, Clinton.
I think I’m in the grocery store. Am I? Am I? Up above are the stars, the moon. Don’t scream. Don’t scream.
“Do you want to pick out a candy?”
Don’t scream.
“Baby?”
Gypsies and thieves. Everything is in Chinese! Everything is in Chinese today and I don’t know why.
“Your total is seven twenty-seven.”
Spinning.
“Twelve seventy-three is your change. Have a nice day.”
“Thanks, you too.”
Hand hand hand. So warm, so beautiful. Red. Strong. Strong.
Smiling? She’s smiling. I’m smiling too. I can feel it on my teeth. Butterflies are flapping around in my stomach. Kind of tickles. Wow, so warm and soft.
We’re outside now.
The sun is shining. Wasn’t it just night? What is wrong with me? Willow is here, she’s holding my hand. I’m safe. But my brain is so fuzzy...where are we?
“Willow?”
She stops suddenly and looks at me. She’s smiling so wide, she’s so happy. Her eyes are catching the sunlight.
“Where are we?”
She tucks my hair behind my ear.
“We’re at the store, Baby. I just had to get a few things. D-did you want candy?” She frowns for a split-second before her smile returns. It’s bigger than before. “We can go back and you can pick one!”
“N-no, that’s okay. Let’s go home.”
She squeezes my hand tighter.
Moving. Fast. Sunshine. Everything is so bright. Bright, bright, black and white, up and down and all around. So much sound.
The park! The Park! THE PARK! Don’t scream! Don’t!
THE PARK!
Trees and grass and Willow-ass, and dogs and frogs and--
“Did I feed the cat this morning?”
“Yes, Baby.”
Frozen in the snow. She’s frozen too, she looks so lost, so alone.
Willow the Lion-hearted.
***
I’m trying to get her on a schedule, the doctors say it will help. Though honestly I’m believing less and less of what they say these days. They don’t seem to understand Tara any more than I do.
I’m just so glad to be on solid ground. She screamed when we were driving past the park. I almost crashed Xander’s car. So now we’re at the park. I wish I could get used to the screaming. I expect the biting and kicking, but the screaming...it’s just horrifying.
Anabel pick up the phone, I’m calling from the kitchen
We just never seem to listen when we’re sharing the same room.
I’m not sure anymore what might get your attention
Every day you see me less than you did just the day before.
Out there in the garden, motionless for hours
It’s just like there’s a statue dressed in Anabel’s old clothes.
And part of me is afraid to wake you from the dreams you’re having
Scared the scattered pieces won’t come back together whole.
I guess I should be happy all she did was scream. Yesterday she unbuckled her seatbelt and opened the door while we were driving to the doctor. I’ve never been so scared in my life. Monsters and demons are nothing compared to this.
“Did I feed the cat this morning?”??
No. I did.
“Yes, Baby.”
She’s staring into my eyes and she’s just...not there. She was lucid in the parking lot of the grocery store I think. Almost lucid. Sometimes I can see glimpses of my Tara. I’ll find a way to fix this. I walk up to her and touch her arm. It’s time to go home. It’s almost time for dinner...the schedule...
Her eyes lock on mine.
“A mane, in the breeze.” She touches my shoulder. “So solid.”
I let out the breath I’m holding. For a moment I thought she was lucid again. Twice in one day? We haven’t been that lucky yet.
Anabel come back to me, I’m calling you from home
Anabel come back to me, I’m living here alone.
It’s like she’s living in this twilight. I look over at her. She’s sitting on the bed touching her thumb to the tips of her fingers. It calms her down. She starts with her pinky and when she gets to her index finger she goes back- tapping her middle, then ring, then pinky before starting again.
I look back down at my homework. I have to hurry, this quiet won’t last long.
She’s scratching at her cast now, I can hear it. She’s more important than homework. She’s the most important thing in my life.
Another quiet evening and that book that you’ve been reading is open,
But I don’t believe I’ve seen you turn a single page.
Even here right beside you, I barely recognize you
You’re like a photograph I’m watching fade away.
I wanna shake you, I’d prefer that you were angry with me.
You’re like a bird now looking lost without a cage.
I’m not sure what to call it,
I’m not sure who could solve this problem of a disappearing girl,
Oh Ana stay.
I’m wiping the mirror clean, she spat on it. I’ve been trying to brush her hair for twenty minutes. It’ll be dry before I’m done. Usually she calms down after a shower. She smiles when I wash her hair and she’s happy, playful even while I clean her body. Not tonight.
Tonight has been full of these painful, agonizing moans. I’d rather them than the screaming, I guess. I kiss her shoulder and recognition flickers in her eyes but it’s gone as quickly as it came.
I’m just so exhausted.
Anabel come back to me, I’m calling you from home
Anabel come back to me, I’m living here alone.
I shut our door behind us and walk t the closet to pick out tonight’s sleepwear.
“Puppies or ponies, Tare?” I ask from the closet.
There’s no response. I pick ponies for her. It feels like a ponies kind of night.
She’s already taken off her robe when I turn around. It’s pooled at her feet. She’s standing in the middle of our room, naked, biting the side of her finger and looking over her shoulder with worry.
“Tare?” I coo, taking a slow step toward her with a hand in front of me. I'm trying to steady her with my mind.
Her eyes dart to me, she’s flighty, like a doe in the woods. She just seems so fragile.
You’re in the bathroom with the flashlight
You’re trying to weigh your shadow
You say it’s gotten heavy, hard to drag across the floor.
Same scene we had last night?And I still don’t know what happens to you
I just stand here useless, sometimes listen through the door.
The ringing in your ears has gotten worse, it’s hard to take you say
It sounds like heavy traffic as we’re climbing into bed,
And I believe I almost hear it.
I know better than to touch you lately.?Praying I don’t wake up to the car crash in your head.
Sometimes she’s so sweet. So gentle. She’s pulled me to her in the dark, drawing the covers up over our heads. It’s pitch black. I can feel her chest rising and falling. She’s twirling my hair around her finger and tasting my ear with her lips. I wonder if she’s lucid. I don’t want to look. I don’t want to know. This is so nice, I don’t want it to end. It’s getting warm under the blankets and harder to breathe. I hope she doesn’t get upset if I pull them off of our heads.
She doesn’t. Things feel almost perfect. I can almost pretend nothing ever changed. I rest my head against her breast and listen to her heartbeat.
“I love you, Tara”
She lets out a puff of air against my hair. I think it means ‘I love you too’.
Anabel come back to me, I’m trying to get through
Anabel come back to me, or take me there with you.
-Saint