The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: Righting wrongs
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:17 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe

Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:11 am
Posts: 3
Topics: 2
• Title - Righting wrongs
• Author name – moi
• Rating - A MUST.... hmmm, R, just to be safe
• Disclaimer - Season 6, everything up to before the end of Seeing Red. Mostly a journal of thoughts dealing with the magic addiction, breaking up, and being with each other again.
• Feedback- PLEASE, good or bad. I've never attempted fanfic before, so...a beta would be welcome...


I began this journal as a record of my time with the most amazing woman to ever grace this earth. I won't say that it has been easy, overcoming my addiction, but with the right motivation, and the right person by your side, everything suddenly becomes so much clearer. I honestly don't know why I did the things that I did. I've racked my brain looking for answers. Tara told me once, "you're fixing everything to your liking, including me." At the time I truely felt I was doing something good, righting the wrongs, as it were, and I'd said so. I didn't understand at the time just how wrong I was in the way I was going about it, or the damage I was inflicting in the name of "helping." It's ironic, how the best intentions can cause you to do so much wrong. I've came to realize, things are rarely simple, and as much as it pains me to admit it, somewhere along the way my "best intentions" ceased to be just that.

Love is a funny thing, it makes you crazy. Like all things in life, everything has a good and bad side, and the secret is to find the proper balance and to strive to each day reach more and more towards the good. I made my biggest fear a reality. I was so scared of losing her, and of her thinking less of me, that I didn't realize that everything I wanted...acceptance and love, a sense of purpose...was right there. I let my fears control me and get the best of me. I became my own worst enemy, but I've made a vow, to myself and to her, that it will never happen again. I was so upset when she left. I didn't think I would ever get over it. I spent day after day crying, wishing the pain would end. I went off the deep end and allowed my addiction to become even worse.

Eventually, I even became bitter, almost angry, and yet, I couldn't bring myself to really be angry. I still loved her so much, and I always would. I felt like I was losing it, and things were at the worst, and I was out of control. I allowed myself to become a totally different person, and I knew, even as I was doing these things, this wasn't who I was and I didn't like it. My emotions were so out of control that I couldn't seem to get a handle on myself. Then a funny thing happened, I realized I couldn't depend on others to make me happy - I had to do that for myself. I still wanted Tara back, but at the end of the day, the way things were going, that would never happen. If I wanted her back then I needed to change, and not just for her, even if my very worst fear came to pass, and we were never with each other again, I was pushing away everyone in my life. Eventually, there would be nothing left, and that scared me. I owed it to her to try and make up for the wrongs I did, at the very least, to show her that her opinion mattered. How could I proclaim to love her so much, yet turn a blind eye and keep going down the path I was on when she told me how much it hurt her? I also owed it to myself. I was better than that, and I damned well needed to start acting like it.


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 Post subject: Re: Righting wrongs
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:03 am 
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11. Fish in the Bowl

Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 1487
Topics: 2
Location: California
DIBS!!! :pinky :party :pinky

You've reeled me in - this reads a lot like recovery through a 12 step program and it's an interesting approach.

Willow finally realizing that SHE has to change for herself is a huge step.

Speaking of "huge steps" welcome to the Kittenboard and to writing for first fic! It takes real courage to put yourself out there, so :clap :applause :clap for that!

Keep writing! :kgeek

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother


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 Post subject: Re: Righting wrongs
PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 5:43 pm 
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5. Willowhand
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Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 8:21 am
Posts: 314
Location: Maryland
Congrats on your first fic! :applause

This is an intriguing concept. I'm really wondering where you're going to go with it but I do like that Willow is realizing she has to make herself happy first.

_________________
Anya: I don't like the sound of this. They don't sound very ex-demon compatible.
Tara: Are you sure they're English? I thought English people were, um, gentler than uh... normal people.

An Everyday Life


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 Post subject: Re: Righting wrongs
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:51 pm 
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1. Blessed Wannabe

Joined: Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:11 am
Posts: 3
Topics: 2
It's been a hard journey. I had to force myself to step back from my feelings a little. I was using Tara as a crutch - and that wasn't fair to either of us. I felt as though as long as I had her everything was fine. The flip side was that with her gone everything seemed a wreck. You can't live that way. In a metaphorical sense, on the surface, it sounds like love. There is a fine line, though, in being stable and secure and being dependant, and more importantly, using that dependance as an excuse for your own insecurities and actions. I found that it was so easy to get lost in her, and my feelings for her, that in order to focus on what I needed to do I had to limit the time I was actually around her - just for awhile. The first few weeks felt like torture. I had to remind myself every second that this was for the best. That I was taking steps in the right direction. I really felt as though everyone was expecting me to fail, but as time passed I started to see small signs of progress, and so did everyone around me. I started to feel a stronger sense of support, and that made me feel really good. The encouragement really made me feel like I could do it. I knew I could, but it helped.


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