Happy Canada Day to Canadian kittens!!
WARNING: Ok, I'm posting a warning just in case. I think this chapter is one of the angstiest so far, so consider yourself warned. Also, I researched online before I wrote that chapter so I based my writing on what I've read, but if someone's had a first-hand (or something else) experience about it, just sent me a pm and I'll do my best to make adjustments...This chapter also has a brief NC-17 moment.
Also, the last few chapter were a little shorter so that one is extra long!!
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“Answers only make more questions, I need something to believe in; Breathe in sanctuary in the easy silence that you make for me; It’s okay when there’s nothing left to say to me” –Easy Silence, Dixie Chicks
*************
Spike was taking advantage of the heavy clouded sky to walk the streets of Sunnydale instead of using the sewers. It wasn’t often that the vampire got to walk out in the open during the day, so he enjoyed observing his surroundings in the daylight.
The vampire was on its way to the Summers’ house to update the slayer on the previous night’s patrol, and to check on Willow. Despite his seemingly indifference, Spike was somewhat touched by what was happening to the redheaded witch.
Along with her girlfriend, Willow had been the only one to ever treat the vampire right. She had always respected him and had actually voiced her gratefulness for his help the summer Buffy was gone.
If he would have normally waited sunset to go out, even with the clouds and rain outside, Spike felt he should share with Buffy what he had heard the night before. Rumors were starting to spread in the underground concerning the slayer’s best friend and, as much as he would love nothing more than to sit back and enjoy the show, Spike knew he owed it to Willow to at least warn her.
Spike slowed down as he walked past a big black van that was parked across the street. Curious, he fished through his pockets to look as if he was trying to find something, finally pulling his lighter and a cigarette out of his duster’s left pocket. There was something odd about the van, a feeling that the vampire couldn’t shake off as he lit his cigarette.
Wanting to keep an eye on the suspicious vehicle, the bleached vampire stayed outside once he reached Buffy’s house. He leisurely leaned against one of the trees, taking his time to smoke a second cigarette when a thin wisp of dark smoke coming from the van caught his attention.
The van suddenly shook on its wheels, as if someone inside had hit the sides hard. The van’s engine roared right before a scream erupted inside the house. Spike could hear hurried footsteps moving inside as panicked voices he recognized as Xander and Tara rose in the kitchen.
Quickly glancing between the house and the van that was already pulling back on the road and driving away, Spike made a quick decision. He jumped on the porch to get inside but turned around as soon as the van was out of sight and ran after it.
**********
Tara’s heart stopped when Xander’s frightened voice startled her. She and Buffy were on their feet in an instant, their footsteps stomping loudly in the witch’s ears as they ran into the kitchen.
She didn’t know what to expect but nothing in the world could have prepared Tara to this. The witch stumbled to an abrupt stop when she saw her girlfriend convulsing on the kitchen floor.
Strong hands caught her and kept her from running to Willow’s side and swiftly pushed her into Xander’s arms. “No! Let me go!”
“Xander, don’t let her go!” Buffy shouted when the man seemed to be about to release the witch.
He instantly tightened his grip, his eyes never leaving the horrifying sight of his friend. “What the hell is happening to her?!?” he yelled shrilly.
Buffy didn’t answer straight away, being busy pushing away everything that could be a danger to the redhead. She hurriedly pushed the chairs and table out of the way, sending them to hit the opposite wall. The stools quickly followed before the slayer crouched close to her best friend, her eyes carefully watching every spasm and muscle contractions that were afflicting Willow’s body. “What happened? Did she hit her head? When did the seizures start?”
“Seizures?” Xander croaked. “I-I...I don’t know, we were talking and all of a sudden she was staring blankly into space. I think she tried to say something but she only managed to grip the counter before her eyes rolled into her head and she collapsed. Ow!”
Tara ignored Xander’s pain exclamation and forcefully pushed him to rush to her partner’s side. “Tara no, you can’t touch her, not right now!” Buffy quickly grabbed the witch’s hand to prevent her from touching Willow. “It might hurt her, or she might hurt you. It’s not safe right now,” the slayer explained to her gently although her eyes were wide and worried.
“Twenty seconds.”
Buffy snapped her head towards Xander, confused. “What?”
Xander pointed a shaky finger at the kitchen clock. “It had just turned 11:15 when she paled and, and...”
“What the bloody hell is going on?” Giles exclaimed as he and Callie entered the kitchen, both freezing at the sight of the seizing redhead.
Tara was hearing her friends’ distant voices but she couldn’t focus on them. She ignored Giles’s questions and Xander’s explanations; all she could do was to squeeze the life out of Buffy’s hands while staring at her soul mate’s taut and convulsing body. Tara noticed that the tremors had started to slow down, which relieved her beyond belief.
Her whole body ached to touch Willow but the slayer’s warning had scared her; she didn’t want to risk hurting her girl even though the wait was killing her. “B-B-Buffy, I-I think she’s c-calming down.”
Buffy nodded in agreement and released the witch’s hands, wincing slightly when she flexed her fingers. “You just need to wait a little while longer, okay? Xander, time?”
“Um...forty-two seconds.” He announced after a brief hesitation. “Is it good? Is she okay?”
Tara looked helplessly between the redhead’s almost inert body and the slayer, tears streaming down her face. “Buffy?”
Buffy clenched her jaw and came closer to the redhead, whose leg and hand only weakly jerked sporadically now. Willow was still unconscious but was breathing heavily. “Tara, can you help me? We need to move her. It’s not good for her to stay on her back right now,” she asked the witch softly.
Relieved to finally be able to touch her girlfriend, Tara grazed her hand over Willow’s arm and waited her friend’s instructions. Together, they gently moved the redhead over to her side, careful of moving her head so her chin was up as to keep her airways opened. Willow’s breathing improved as soon as both girls moved her but still didn’t regain any form of consciousness.
Tara leaned down and pressed soft kisses on Willow’s forehead, temple and cheeks while running a hand through the slightly damp red hair. The redhead was pale and clammy but her body had now completely stopped shaking, leaving her into an exhausted, boneless sleep.
Her hand still in her girlfriend’s hair, Tara watched as Buffy slightly bent Willow’s legs and arms, crossing and locking them to stabilize the redhead’s position on her side to prevent her from falling on her back or stomach. “Shouldn’t we take her to the hospital?” Xander inquired from his place near the counter.
Tara may have been deeply upset and shocked about what she had just witnessed, she was also aware that if she and Xander had freaked, the slayer had remained calm and had known exactly what to do. “I suppose it is not n-necessary, right Buffy?”
The affirmative but uncomfortable nod she got from the blonde confirmed her suspicions. “No, I can take care of her. Well, you can now that you’re here, Tare. We’ll just wait a few minutes and we’ll move her to her room.” Buffy said as she slumped on the floor next to the witches before taking the redhead’s wrist to check her pulse.
Giles moved closer and kneeled between both girls, wanting to check on Willow himself. “I think she is stable enough to move her. Buffy, do you still have her medication?”
“Yeah, it’s in my room. I’ll get it as soon as we get upstairs,” Buffy told him, not daring to look at the blonde witch. She knew she definitely had to talk now. Tara was still in too much of a shock to argue now but it wouldn’t be long before she would have to spill everything.
**********
Tara felt more than she heard Buffy come in the bedroom a few minutes later. The witch was sitting in a chair by the bed and was observing her girlfriend with worried eyes. The slayer had given them some privacy while Tara changed the redhead into her pajamas but she was back now, holding a glass of water in a hand and a small bottle containing blue pills in the other.
“Hey.”
“Hey. She’s still sleeping,” Tara half-said, half-asked as Buffy walked closer to put the glass and pills on the night stand.
Buffy turned to sit on the bed, briefly glancing at Tara before staring at her sleeping friend. “It’s normal, her body is still recovering from-”
“Seizures! She had seizures!” Tara hissed angrily. “My g-girlfriend had seizures! And by the way you reacted, it’s not the first time!”
Tara left the chair and anxiously paced the room. “You knew what to do, so it could only m-mean that she’s had them before. What the hell happened to her, Buffy?”
Buffy sighed and stood up as well. She walked to the other side of the room to where Tara was standing. She didn’t even try to propose the blonde witch of going to talk in the hallway, knowing neither of them would be willing to leave Willow alone even for a few minutes.
“I’m guessing that Mr. Giles is filling Xander in right now or he would be here as well, am I right?” Tara demanded the slayer.
“Yeah. He’s telling him what he needs to know. Not that we don’t want to say everything to him, Tara, but I promised Will. She’ll tell him the rest one day if she wants to, but right now you’re the one who needs to know the most,” Buffy agreed softly, crossing her arms against her chest as she spoke.
Tara frowned at the slayer’s mood change. The anger she felt left place to a deep sense of dread, and what she had been dying to know for weeks now suddenly seemed too much for her to handle. “Buffy, are you okay? You don’t-”
“No, it’s okay, it’s about time you know, you know?” The slayer shook her head. She took a deep breath and sat down on the floor, letting her back to rest on the door. “Things got…bad at Rack’s last time Willow was there.”
“I am so going to kill her. I am done. She wants to have her fun, well fine! She is out of my house. I can’t stand this anymore,” Buffy ranted as she and Spike walked in the downtown alleys of Sunnydale. They had been searching the redhead for hours, going to cemeteries, the Bronze, her parents’ house, Amy’s; Willow was nowhere to be seen.
The redhead had left a note on the kitchen counter saying that she was going out with Amy, a thing that wasn’t unusual since her break up with Tara. Except Willow hadn’t come home this time. It was now almost forty-eight hours later, and it seemed that the witches had fallen off the grid. Until a desperate demon had tipped them off in a futile attempt to save his life.
“I’d suggest you take that anger out on the bloody dealer once we get there. You might end up snapping Red like a twig if you take it out on her,” Spike shot back, somewhat amused to see the slayer so pissed off. The vampire slowed down when he suddenly felt a magical push on his right. “We’re here.”
Buffy glared at where Spike was pointing, not willing to back down. “I don’t care. She’s gone too far. How could she do this to Tara? To all of us? She needs to learn a lesson!”
Spike shot his hand straightforward, smirking when he felt the invisible portal move around his arm. “You mean how could she do this to you? You’ve been pushing her away ever since she brought you back. You think no one noticed but I did, and Red did too.”
“Shut up Spike,” Buffy warned him as she pushed him and uncertainly went through the invisible barrier. The slayer’s face cringed in distaste when she took a look around the room. How could her best friend have sunken so low? There were a dozen people scattered around the small, filthy room. Some were sleeping while others were either pacing or rocking back and forth on the floor.
“Come on, let’s get this over with,” Spike told Buffy as he guided her to a closed door. A young woman in her twenties jumped on her feet and tried to keep them from coming in by shaking frantically her hands. “You can’t go in! It’s not your turn!”
“Now it is,” Spike snapped at her, morphing into his game face. The girl shrieked and fell back hard on the chair but didn’t get up again. He shot a look to the slayer and noted that she seemed a little green. “You okay?”
Buffy only shook her head. “Let’s get this over with.” Not hesitating anymore the slayer kicked the door down and walked in. The main room was surprisingly big, and was barely furnished. There was a couch on one side, while a bed and a broken kitchen table with disparate chairs were taking up most of the space on the other side.
“I don’t believe you have an appointment,” a rough voice called from behind. Buffy turned around sharply, her fists clenched at her sides.
“Rack. Huh. I imagined you more Sirius Black, less Snape,” Buffy commented easily although the sight of the magic dealer made her queasy.
Rack smirked and took a step forward. “I’ve heard about the little puns you use when you’re scared. That’s cute.”
Buffy rolled her eyes and walked in the depths of the room. “Cut the crap, Rack. Where’s Willow?”
“Willow…doesn’t ring a bell.”
“She’s talking about Red,” Amy mumbled, stumbling from her place on the questionably clean couch. Hey, Buffy.”
Rack smiled, the scar covering his left cheek stretching into a wide smirk. “Ahh, Strawberry. Sorry, you can’t have her. I’m not done with her yet.”
Spike shifted from his place by the door and swiftly smashed the warlock against the brick wall. “Wrong answer, pal. Where is Red?”
Rack only smirked cruelly, amused by the vampire’s threats. “Sorry, but I have a big clientele tonight. She is my little ‘pick me up’. I’m surprised you haven’t tasted her yet, William. I’m sure her blood would send you to your knees.”
Buffy sent Rack a murderous glare. She fought to keep herself under control; it wouldn’t do any good to Willow if she’d killed the warlock without knowing where her friend was first. Buffy instead turned to Amy and grabbed her by the collar. “Where is she? And you better have the answer.”
“I, I-don’t shake me that hard, I’m going to be sick!” the witch croaked weakly. Buffy let her go, not wanting to get thrown up on her when a sharp sound startled her. She spun around just in time to see Spike falling to his knees, his nose and hands covered in blood.
Rack dusted his dirty shirt and grinned. “I like you, slayer. You’re just like Strawberry, dark and sweet but with a taste for blood. You know what, I’ll make you a deal. You get her to leave of her own free will, you take her. Otherwise she stays mine.”
Spike shot a warning look to Buffy, but she wasn’t looking at him. “This isn’t some kind of trick spell?”
Buffy cringed when Rack’s laughed. It reminded her of a fork being stuck in a garbage food disposal. “No spell, no tricks. Just a little confrontation between the slayer and my witch.”
“Strawberry!”
A loud crashing sound startled Buffy, making her look around carefully, but there still wasn’t any sign of her friend. “Buffy?”
“Willow Rosen…” Buffy began but stopped when she finally saw the witch. Willow was on the ground and was slowly trying to pick herself up. The slayer gasped at the condition her best friend was in.
The redhead had deep dark circles under her eyes and her hair was disheveled. It looked as if the witch hadn’t eaten or slept in several days even if she had only been missing a couple of days, and her normally bright emerald pupils were completely black. “Will?”
Both friends stared at each other, even though Buffy doubted Willow was really seeing her. “Will, come on, we need to go home now,” she told the witch slowly and gently.
“Will?” Buffy repeated more forcefully when Willow didn’t react. “What the hell did you do to her!?!” the slayer yelled at the warlock, her anger switching from the witch to the magic dealer.
Rack laughed again as he pushed Spike back down, sending the vampire to fall back on his face. “You should have better pets, slayer. You had a great one with Strawberry but you broke her, with your hatred and your constant pushing away. Things worked out well though, got a good witch out of the deal.”
Buffy’s eyes narrowed and she lashed out unexpectedly, hitting Rack on the side of the face.
“No!” Willow screamed.
Both Buffy and Spike froze in shock while Amy and Rack only smirked. “See how much of a good pet I have? Protecting her master?” Rack said smugly, shooting the redhead a short look. “A little low on response though. Might have to do something about that.”
Before anyone had the time to react Rack shot his hand up and sent a dark magic blast in Willow’s direction. It hit the witch hard in the chest and she collapsed, moaning and panting painfully. “Willow! You son of a bitch!” Buffy screamed as she turned on the warlock again.
“No!” Willow protested again getting up with some difficulty. The witch finally managed to stand on her feet, although shakily, and stared hard at her best friend. “Don’t touch him.”
Buffy couldn’t believe what was happening. Willow was defending Rack? The slayer was suddenly so furious again that she debated leaving and letting the redhead to deal with her problems on her own. It was only when she saw how badly Willow was shaking and that the witch was struggling to keep tears away that she changed her mind.
‘Buffy, please.’ The redhead’s voice echoed unexpectedly in her head, her tone pleading. ‘I, I’m…I’m sorry.’
‘Will?’ the slayer asked back in her mind, not liking the way Willow was now staring at her.
“Willow?”
“She won’t listen to you, not unless Rack tells her to,” Amy informed her casually. The witch was pale and twitchy but seemed to be
deeply amused by the situation.
“Willow, please listen to me,” Buffy argued, ignoring the brunette’s superior smile. “You don’t want this. Nothing good will come out of this unless you come home with me, okay? You need help, so let’s just go home and we’ll deal with this. Please?”
“Aww, isn’t this sweet,” Rack said dryly. “You’ve had your chance, slayer. Strawberry’s made her choice so you better go before I stop being a gentleman and show you what Red’s capable of.”
“Buffy,” Spike called out, sending the slayer a pointed look. Both came to an understanding; they had to take Willow out of there, no matter what.
Buffy swallowed hard and faced back her friend. “Willow, please, come home with me. Let me help you. What would Tara say if she saw you like that, huh? I know you still love her, I know you do, so do something, damn it!”
Seeing the witch’s face slightly twitching, Buffy continued blurting out whatever was coming to mind to distract the witch. She had to find a way to take her friend out of there or she could never forgive herself. “Will, sweetie, please, think about Dawn, she looks up to you so much, and Tara! God, Willow, haven’t you hurt her enough already?!?”
“She left me,” Willow slurred, her body dangerously swaying. “She…she left.”
“She will come back but you need to help yourself for that to happen,” Buffy shot back, becoming frustrated.
“Okay, this is getting ridiculous. Show how much of a good pet you are, Strawberry, get rid of the slayer and you’ll get a nice reward,” Rack taunted the witch as he walked closer to her, his hand stopping inches away of Willow’s heart.
Buffy didn’t react when Spike went to stand by her side. She was staring at the young woman who she had considered her best friend and sister for the past six years, woman that was now staring back at her with her hand raised threateningly, red sparks coming out of her palm.
“So that’s how it’ll go? You almost kill yourself bringing me back only to end up like this? Don’t do this, Will. Think of Tara, this will kill her. We all love you, sweetie, please don’t do this,” Buffy begged her softly.
The sparks in Willow’s hand lost of their intensity and she slowly lowered her hand. The witch was obviously struggling to control the power she had been about to release. For the first time since they had arrived, Buffy felt like Willow really was acknowledging her. Her eyes were still pitch black, but they didn’t seem as hollow anymore.
Seeing that he was losing, Rack screamed his frustration and shot his hand forward. Willow cried out as the warlock started draining magics from her, soon leaving her out of breath and about to collapse.
Spike was the first to run to Willow’s side but failed when Amy threw a fireball at him. Ducking at the last second, the vampire stayed down while Buffy snuck out behind the brunette witch and sucker punched her in the face. Amy fell on the floor, stunned, leaving the time for Spike to get back on his feet again.
Too dizzy from all the magics he had just drained from Willow’s, Rack realized he was about to get cornered so he grabbed a fistful of Willow’s shirt and threw her over to Spike to give him time to flee.
Unable to catch her in time, Spike and Willow went crashing on the wall, Willow’s head smashing hard against the cement wall.
Buffy had taken advantage of the chaos in the room to jump on Rack. Not expecting the attack, the warlock didn’t have time to protect himself as punches and kicks rained all over his body. It was only what seemed like hours later that Spike caught her and pushed her away. “Buffy!”
“Let me go! I am not done with him yet!”
“Yes, you are. Willow needs you, Buffy! There is something wrong with her.”
Buffy stopped with her fist in mid-air, finally listening. “What? Will? Willow!” She ran to her bloodied friend and panicked at the blood that was covering the redhead’s face.By the time Buffy was finished with the story tears were running down her cheeks and refused to form eye contact with Tara. Both were sitting on the floor and were staring at the sleeping redhead on the bed. “Willow had her first seizures on the way to the hospital. The doctor said that because she already suffered from a head injury a few years back, the hard blow she took to the head was enough to set off the seizures. He didn’t know about the magics but Giles said they must have had something to do with it too.”
“She had some again about two weeks after, and then nothing before tonight. The most likely cause for last time is the withdrawals, but I don’t know what triggered them this time.” Buffy apologized faintly.
“Why didn’t you call me?” Tara tried to ask without sounding too accusing, but failed miserably.
“The first time? I tried, there was no answer. I called so many times but you weren’t there, and after the doctor came and said that she was going to be okay, I kind of blacked out, I’m sorry.”
Tara sighed and leaned her head against her bent knees. “Magic withdrawals can cause seizures?” Tara didn’t catch everything the slayer told her next. Images of Willow being hurt and in distress caused her so much pain, it was only when she felt a small hand on her shoulder that she fully grasped the gravity of what happened. "You're sure she doesn't need to see a doctor?"
"She already has an apointment for next week. I'll call if something's wrong but for now I don't think so. Tara, Tara what is it?" Buffy suddenly whispered when she noticed Tara's shoulders were shaking.
“She c-could’ve died. She could have died while I was crashing at a friend’s b-because I couldn’t stand being alone anymore.” Tara burst into tears, her sobs heavy and loud.
Buffy quickly pulled Tara to her and hugged her tightly. “She’s okay now, Tara I promise. I don’t know what happened tonight to trigger them, but we’ll figure it out.”
*************
Willow frowned and groaned when she found she couldn’t move her limbs without experiencing severe soreness. Her muscles were burning, her head was pounding and her whole body felt like a dead weight but she couldn’t remember why. Slowly opening her eyes, the redhead looked around a few moments until her hazy eyes stopped on something blue.
Blinking a few times to focus on the deep blue orbits in front of her, it took a moment for Willow to identify the blue round shapes as Tara’s eyes.
Tara smiled and tentatively brushed a soft hand over the redhead’s cheek. “Hey sweetie.” After about an hour, Tara breathed a sigh of relief when Willow had begun to shift on the bed. She had quickly put down her girlfriend’s laptop on the floor to watch her as she slowly woke up.
Willow’s painful gasp snapped Tara back in the moment and she rushed to the night stand where pills had already been put aside next to the glass of water. “Here honey, take those, okay?” Tara encouraged her sweetly before settling the redhead into a half-sitting position, smiling happily when Willow complied without a protest. The blonde helped her by holding the glass for her, the redhead’s hands weak after just woken up.
“Tara?”
“Yes, sweetheart?” Tara asked her kindly as she helped Willow lay back down again. The redhead closed her eyes and sighed. The earlier’s incident was slowly coming back to her and she felt humiliated. She had been doing so well lately, but now everything was ruined.
She had unwillingly showed her weakest side to her lover and she hated herself for it.
Willow had dreaded karma would come back to bit her in the butt for her mistakes, but she never considered it could get this bad. She could deal with the withdrawals and being sick. She could deal with a lot, having somehow become a werewolf being the last straw, but knowing that Tara must have witnessed her episode this morning simply horrified her.
Tara watched, concerned, as her girlfriend sluggishly turned over to her side and curled up into a fetal position, her eyes hardening and staring emptily at a discarded red sock on the floor. “Willow, sweetie what is it?”
“Leave.”
“What?”
“Please, leave me alone. Just, just go.” Willow reiterated, her voice stronger. “You should’ve stayed gone, you were right to leave so I’m officially releasing you from your obligations. Just...go.”
Tara stared in shock at the girl before her, anger quickly filling her. “You know what, I would if I didn’t love you so damn much!”
“I don’t believe this, Willow! I thought we were finally making progress! A-And I thought I had made myself clear about the fact that I wasn’t
going away anymore!” Tara expressed sharply.
Coming back in Willow’s life was one of the things they hadn’t talked about much yet and, even if the redhead seemed pleased of it, Tara was still a nervous wreck most of the time.
She didn’t let it show but this, the ultimatum Willow had just given her was yet another reason why Tara knew had to fight for them. If Willow still had doubts about them, Tara would show her that those doubts had no place in their relationship, not anymore.
Willow only blinked and bit her lower lip, although her body tensed under the covers. Her self-imposed silence, far from pleasing Tara, only added fuel to the blonde’s frustration.
As annoyed as she was, Tara took a deep breath to calm down. She remembered from what she had been reading online earlier that stressful situations, exhaustion and other abnormal circumstances could be triggers for seizures and the last thing the blonde wanted to do is to potentially send her partner into another round of convulsions. “Willow, honey please look at me.”
“Fine, you want to stare at the sock, stare at the sock but listen, okay?” Tara compromised half-heartedly when only silence greeted her. “You can avoid me, silent treatment me into the next century or even yell, I don’t care. But you need to put in that thick head of yours that I am not going away. Not now, not later, not ever. So please just tell me what’s going on in your head so I can help you. Please?”
Tara sighed and pursed her lips when Willow still wouldn’t react. “Why are you so afraid, Will? There is nothing you could say or do that would make me want to leave again. What on earth could I have done to make you think I would leave again?”
“You don’t know.” Willow finally whispered. She shot a tired look at the blonde, her eyes lingering when Tara watched her back with attentive and patient eyes.
“I know, Will.”
Willow opened her mouth but nothing came out. Tara couldn’t know, not everything. She hadn’t said anything and she had made promise- “Buffy.”
Tara nodded sheepishly as she sat on the floor next to Willow’s head. As much as she wanted to sit and cradle her girlfriend in her arms, she didn’t want to risk losing the possibility of ruining the progress they were finally making by rushing Willow. “After this morning she didn’t really have a choice. I-I think I even scared her a bit so really, she did it to save herself.”
“You must hate me.”
“For the hundredth time, no. I’m shocked, a-and upset but I don’t hate you sweetie, I never could.” Tara soothed her quietly, hoping Willow wouldn’t close-up like last time.
“You should. Buffy should hate me too but she keeps saying she doesn’t. I don’t get it. Everybody should hate me…” She asserted again, although somewhat weakly. “I tried to hurt her.”
“I know. But you didn’t.” Tara reminded her gently. “Did you want to?”
Willow shifted her head on the bed and gazed uncertainly at her lover, a tiny sparkle of relief warming her heart when Tara locked eyes with her and smiled encouragingly. “Hurt Buffy? No. I could never hurt her but I wasn’t thinking straight that night. Rack, he, he didn’t want to waste his own magics on her so he kept promising me things if I’d get rid of Buffy for him. She didn’t know because he was constantly whispering… inside.” She explained, her fingers moving and pointing at her head.
Now that the truth was out, the redhead was scared of the repercussions it would bring between her and Tara, but she also felt as if a giant band-aid had been ripped out, leaving her to mend the wound.
Her best friend had taken the first step for her, but now Willow had to assume responsibility and complete the story, thing that was more bearable to do now that she knew that Tara wasn’t planning on leaving again.
“You were strong, baby. You held your own even after R-Rack’s tried t-to hurt you.” Tara told her proudly but her tone betrayed her emotions. The blonde fought to keep her tears in check, refusing to upset Willow more than she already was but it felt like a lost cause as tears started to roll down her face.
The idea of her girl being at the mercy of a dark magic dealer, whether it was a conscious choice or not, upset Tara to her deepest core. She had so many questions, every one of them as terrifying as the other. “Willow, when you say that Rack offered you t-things, d-did he, d-did he-”
Green eyes widened in shock and Willow reached a hand, her fingers hesitantly brushing the blonde’s tears away and she grinned shyly when Tara leaned into the touch. “Please don’t stutter…and no, honey, he didn’t. That’s not what he was interested in.”
Tara nodded in relief and took the redhead’s hand that was still on her cheek to kiss it gently. “You really don’t hate me?” Willow asked her dubiously.
“No love, I never could. I love you, I love you so much Willow, I’m sorry if I s-somehow made you doubt.” The blonde declared softly, smiling broadly and her heart swelling with love when the younger witch mouthed the words back to her. Still smiling, Tara leaned on her
forearms and grazed her lips against Willow’s, her heart flipping when the redhead responded. “How do you feel?”
“Better. I’m not as sore anymore.” Willow admitted after a brief hesitation. True to her statement, the redhead gradually unbend her legs, wincing only slightly when she pulled her leg down too fast. She knew Tara was watching her every move and it made her nervous.
Tara had been doing a good job distracting her so far, but reality was now hitting Willow with renewed force. If she had somehow been forced to share the details of her last night at Rack’s, the consequences of that night were a whole other story to face.
Exhausted even if she had been awake for less than an hour, Willow didn’t have it in her to deal with the morning incident. Her head was throbbing, the light coming in through the blinds sending sharp bolts of pain in her eyes so she tried to shift on her side to rest but her body wouldn’t cooperate.
Willow ultimately settled on her back and carefully stretched her legs. “Here, let me help.” Tara offered softly when the redhead didn’t seem to be able to find a comfortable position.
The older witch sat on the bed and cautiously uncovered Willow’s legs and took one at the time, delicately stretching them and massaging the girl’s calves and thighs before gently laying them back on the bed.
Relaxing slightly under her lover’s touch, Willow was meanwhile staring anxiously at her pajamas and didn’t notice when Tara stopped to shot her a worried look. “Willow? Are you okay, did I hurt you?” Tara asked worriedly.
‘One step forward, three steps back’ Tara sighed as Willow shook her head and put an arm over her eyes. “Sweetie, no. S-safe space here, remember? You are doing so good, please don’t shut me out now.”
Willow mumbled something but Tara couldn’t make out the words. “Sorry honey, I didn’t get that.” She told her as she gently rubbed her lover’s thigh.
“You changed me.” Willow mumbled again, this time a little louder and clearer.
Tara only stared her girlfriend’s happy monkey pajamas in confusion. “I just thought you’d be more comfortable, I w-wouldn’t have done it if I’d known it would upset you that much…”
It took several seconds before Willow eventually lowered her arm, her eyes distressed as she glanced at Tara. “That’s it? You just wanted me…You mean I didn’t, I, I didn’t…” She babbled nervously.
“Didn’t you what? I don’t understand, what didn’t you- oh.” Tara stopped herself, suddenly catching on when a particular subject she’d read online popped in her head. “No, sweetheart. But it wouldn’t have mattered even if it had been the case. You’re my girl and nothing could ever change that, I wish you’d stop forgetting about that.”
“You know,” Tara continued with an ushered tone as she cautiously lay down next to Willow and began stroking the girl’s cheek with a feather touch, “For the girl who supposedly wears the smart pants of the family, you can be awfully silly at times.” She teased her as a soft grin lighted her features.
Willow closed her eyes but a placid smile was gracing her lips. “We both wear the smart pants. Or, smart skirts since Buffy wears the fighting pants. Or boots? Is there such a thing? What’s so funny?” The redhead pouted when she heard Tara chuckling.
The blonde witch was observing her with mirthful eyes. “I love when you do that.” She told her simply.
Willow rolled her eyes but she easily matched her girlfriend’s loving smile. “I love you.”
Both girls basked in the moment, happy to be alone together for a few precious moments. “Tara?” Willow wondered out loud several minutes later when a frown darkened the blonde’s face.
“Mmm?” Oh, sorry sweetie, was I staring?” Tara quickly apologized, her cheeks bright with embarrassment.
“No. I mean yes, but…are we okay? You really don’t hate me, and-and you’re not going to leave? Even after this morning?” She asked in a small, subdue voice.
Tara groaned and pushed herself closer to Willow until they were nose to nose. She grabbed a fistful of Willow’s shirt, mindful of not pulling or jostling her too much but she used just enough strength to make sure the redhead couldn’t back out.
Willow gasped in surprise when the blonde’s full lips were on her own, lustful and demanding. The redhead felt her lips being parted by Tara’s tongue and she quickly granted her access, too stunned to think about trying to take control.
Her heart jumped inside her chest as a determined but soft hand roamed under her shirt until it gently fondled her left breast while the other hand purposefully unbuttoned the top and pushed it down the redhead’s shoulders.
The moan that escaped Willow’s throat echoed Tara’s when the blonde’s thumb brushed a fully erect nipple, sending shivers down both girls’ backs. “Would I be…doing…this if I was planning…to…leave?” Tara panted, her lips never leaving the redhead’s skin. She could feel her lover tremble under her touch and Tara was, once again, amazed at being able to create such a powerful reaction out of another human being.
Both witches were lost in a sea of heated kisses, Tara’s hand having slipped under Willow’s waistband and had begun teasing her when a soft but sharp intake of breath froze the blonde. She swiftly brought her gaze to Willow’s face and pulled her hand out of her partner’s pants when she noted the darkened but glazed green eyes that were now staring questionably back at her. “Ugh, Tara! Why’d you stop!”
The redhead’s monumental whine made Tara smile but she sighed and regretfully pushed herself a few inches away from Willow. “You’re still sore, sweetie, We shouldn’t start something you aren’t ready to do.”
Willow gaped at the blonde, her breathing ragged and her cheeks flushed. “I don’t care!”
“Will…”
“It’s been almost three freaking months, Tara!” Willow argued almost desperately, the headache that had deserted her now rushing back with a vengeance. She rolled herself away from her girlfriend and displayed an impressive annoyed pout. “This is payback for this morning, isn’t it?”
“It’s not, honey, I swear. I didn’t want to stop either, believe me, but it wouldn’t be smart to tire you too much right now. I promise you though,” Tara whispered directly in Willow’s ear as she pulled the redhead to her and wrapped her arms protectively around her, “that as soon as you are better, I will ask Buffy and Dawn to leave us the house for a night.” She finished tauntingly with a wide smirk, kissing her lover’s neck and jaw line before placing a promising kiss on her lips.