The Kitten, the Witches and the Bad Wardrobe - Willow & Tara Forever

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 Post subject: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series (#6 posted 1/24)
PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 8:32 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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I've mentioned on other parts of the board that I grew up with a writer. My youngest sister started writing fan-fiction when she was about ten (it felt odd to then start myself at 28), and this May she will be finishing her M.F.A. in translation, with graduate courses from the Iowa Writers Workshop under her belt. So I've heard a lot about writing fiction, even though I'm new to doing it myself.

I say this because one of the things I've heard a lot about is rewrites. Not editing, not revising, but taking an entire story and starting over with major changes (insertion/deletion of major characters, change what century the story is in, completely changing the theme, etc). Now, most of the times I hear about it is when you rewrite your own work, but I've had to rewrite things in different literary styles.

Yesterday I was having trouble getting into Willow's head after spending some 10,000 words in Tara's. So I decided to try writing something else. A writing exercise, of sorts: taking someone else's story and totally rewriting it. If it goes well, I may do a series out of these. I would certainly consider requests.

Without further ado, and with permission of the original author, here it is.

Author: BeMyDeputy (Kate)
Rating: G
Feedback: Yes please! This is currently an un-betaed writing exercise. Both positive and negative feedback are extremely welcome.
Disclaimer: The entire Buffyverse (including setting, characters, and plot) is property of it's owners, including but not limited to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement is intended by this work.
Original Piece: Vignettes #1: Vignettes by Sassette
Acknowledgments: Thanks to Sassette, not only for letting me post this, but also for the kind words about the piece.

Rewrites

“You know what I don’t get?” Willow asked from behind her laptop, her small hands having abandoned the keys for the air above her head.

“Dinner, if you don’t stop using me as a thesaurus?” Tara stood in the doorway to the kitchen, and pointed at the clock with a chef’s knife. Diced onion still clung to the sides of the knife.

Willow glanced at the indicated timepiece and cringed. Not only had she asked Tara to cook tonight (though it was Willow’s turn), she had then proceeded to spend the night pestering her.

“Here, let me sous chef it up for you. What can I chop?” Willow rapidly pushed back from the dining room table and joined Tara in the kitchen. She grabbed her favorite apron (a red one that was covered in pictures of puppies playing in a field) and moved to the sink to wash her hands.

“I’ve already pulled everything out. Just chop everything next to the cutting board and put it in the bowl there. A coarse chop is fine.”

Willow turned to see Tara at the stove, not turned towards the burners but rather still toward Willow. The soft smile and somewhat dreamy look that usually greeted Willow only when Tara had just been watching her sleep were on her face. “Not half as much as you, sweetie,” Willow told her with a smirk, and held her hand out expectantly for the chef’s knife.

Tara raised the knife up away from Willow’s hand, her right eyebrow raised. “Half as much as me what? Coarse chopped?”

“No, silly. You only get that look on your face when you’re thinking ‘she’s gorgeous.’ So I thought retaliation was in order.” Willow bounced her hand in the air once to emphasize her request for the knife.

“I guess I’m not my type, then,” Tara chuckled as she put the wood handle of the knife into the outstretched hand.

Willow put the knife down on the stove as soon as she had it, and wrapped her arms around Tara. “You’re my type, though. That’s what counts.”

“So, you’re saying it doesn’t count that you’re mine?”

“All yours.” Willow breathed happily before she pulled Tara closer and attacked her neck with light kisses.

“I meant my type. Of course it matters that you’re mine.” Willow began to kiss Tara’s neck more aggressively, and Tara gently pushed her away with an exasperated sigh. “That is not leading in a dinner-wards direction.”

“Fine, fine. But your neck is so mine tonight, missy.” Willow picked up the knife and moved to the vegetables, and Tara dumped the chicken into the skillet to brown. They worked in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Willow spoke again. “Rewrites.”

“Rewrites?”

“Yeah, rewrites. What I don’t get. I mean, you spend so much time and effort editing and revising the first version of a story, and then bam, you’re supposed to scrap most of it and start fresh? That just doesn’t feel fair. I mean, how does it make you a better writer when you know you’re going to have to torch most of your effort at the end, anyway?”

Tara pressed the chicken against the hot pan as she considered what use it would be to rewrite something. “Well, maybe the point is to be able to look at what’s really important in a story, so you don’t get too attached to things that aren’t crucial. When I was in high school, my mom made me write fairy tales in the styles of the authors we were studying. ‘Hansel and Gretel’ in the style of Ernest Hemingway turned out pretty weird. But it really crystallized what was important about the stories and the styles.”

“But, all those details and characters that go in the first time, it doesn’t seem fair to eliminate them. It’s like having a child only to kill it. But you know, less. Because if my writing teacher told us to do that, I think she’d be arrested.”

“Baby, this isn’t like leaving data points out of a science paper. It’s learning to be flexible. Writing fiction is really different from writing science, as you’ve told me every day since you’ve been in this class.”

“I still don’t get it. I mean, I made these characters. I love them. And now Beth wants us to rewrite our story without one of them? The characters are parts of me. I can’t get rid of one. It’s like Sophie’s Choice.”

“Okay, let’s move away from the morbid child-sacrifice motif of this discussion, or I will seriously reconsider any future willingness to have children with you.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll back off with the hyperbole,” Willow grumbled.

“You know what would be easier for you to rewrite? Something someone else wrote. I mean, that’s basically what fan-fiction is, isn’t it? Taking the essence of a story and telling it a different way. You like that.”

The memory of exactly how Tara had learned she liked fan-fiction pumped blood to Willow’s cheeks. “I still say that was your fault, as you were the one who got me watching Xena in the first place.”

“Yet I’m not the one who suggested I learn to fight vampires with a wooden staff sharpened into stakes at both ends.”

“Yeah, well . . . guilty.” Willow brought the now-full bowl of vegetables over to Tara. Willow pressed herself into Tara’s back and glided her hands into Tara’s front pockets. “Still love me?” she asked with a squeeze.

Tara laid her head back onto Willow’s shoulder with a content sigh. “Always.”

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I'm from Iowa, we drive four hours for a high school football game.
Queen of HeartsThe Sincerest Form of FlatteryDrabbles


Last edited by BeMyDeputy on Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:39 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:09 pm 
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Dibs! OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD YES, SCORED MY FIRST DIBS.

Ok, so I have yet to read the original vignettes, but I really liked it so far. Very interesting concept, and so very meta. :D I love the cute domestic interactions between Tara and Willow. And Xena pointy staff? That's hilarious.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:19 pm 
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8. Vixen
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What a wonderful idea!

It's great that Sassette was up for it, and one of those smack your head/why didn't I think of that moments...

Something to remember and use - with permission of course...

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:58 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey

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Interesting. I've wondered what would happen if someone wrote fanfction of fanfiction. Even though this isn't quite the same... Both versions are entertaining, though

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
PostPosted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 11:19 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey
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This is great, and such a wonderfully intriguing concept. I'm really looking forward to more of these.

I've been meaning to re-read Sass's Vignettes and this seems like the perfect way to do it.

Laura.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:31 pm 
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4. Extra Flamey

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What a brilliant idea. I love Sassette’s vignettes and all credit to her for encouraging this exercise.

I wracked my brains to come up with constructive feedback for you, but the way you captured the essence of the original piece was just flawless. The intimacy, the humour and the solid little details that give a realistic feel – diced onions on the knife, tiny trees ramming into mashed potatoes.

I realise now that some of my favourite fanfiction has been based on this idea, e.g. Willow choosing Oz in NMR.

I’d be interested to see what you could do with a radical change to an original piece. I’m sure the results would be fascinating.

Clare


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 10:59 am 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Hey all,
Queen of Hearts *cough* self-plug *cough* writing continues, but this idea popped into my head and I needed to write it. But first, replies!

@wolfsbane: Gratz on your dibs. You have gained another rank in class: kitten. Choose your feat wisely. (D&D joke; sorry, me=dork). I really liked the meta-ness of the first vignette, and thought it'd be a cool way to introduce what I was doing and why. It's almost like sexy lesbian witches are more memorable than me. ;) Oh, and go read the original vignettes. They are way awesome. I've always loved cooking with my fiance, so I thought that Willow and Tara might like it, too. I could totally see Willow loving Gabrielle, and then thinking out the logical conclusion of modifying staff combat for fighting vampires.

@vampyregurl73: Aw, shucks. I'm very glad Sass was up for it, too.

@Promthea128: I think that even the thought that you could write fan fiction of someone's fan fiction speaks to the depth of both the source material and the first fan fiction.

@wayland: Again, aw, shucks. The vignettes are indeed awesome. As is On Second Thought; I'm guessing that's the piece to which you're referring. It has a special place in my heart, as the first piece I remember reading here. Which reminds me:

Does anyone know if AntigoneUnbound is around/contactable? Because I have an idea for one of these based on a scene in "On Second Thought."

---

Author: BeMyDeputy (Kate)
Rating: PG? Whatever rating is required for the implication of masturbation. Huh, I think I just made this heading a higher rating than the piece.
Feedback: Yes please! This is currently an un-betaed writing exercise. Both positive and negative feedback are extremely welcome.
Disclaimer: The entire Buffyverse (including setting, characters, and plot) is property of it's owners, including but not limited to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement is intended by this work.
Original Piece: Vignettes #53: Not A Date by Sassette (While I would always recommend reading the original first, it is VERY important in this case.)
Acknowledgments: Thanks to Sassette letting me post another piece based on her work, for calling it "a crime against humanity" to keep me from posting this, and for plugging the thread on herthread.

Notes: This is a POV switch from the original piece, and therefore holds much, much closer to the original than my first rewrite. All of the dialogue was written by, and most of the action was originally described by, Sassette, not me. I think that was a sentence.


The Sincerest Form of Flattery #2: Totally A Date


This is Totally a Date, Willow repeated to herself.

They'd shared dinner, a movie, and now were about to partake in some ill-advised, late-night, caffeinated sugar-y goodness.

The sum of those parts: Totally a Date. Just like the dates from the past four Fridays Willow had taken Tara out.

So why had nothing happened?

Willow glanced back to where Tara held a table for them this evening. She didn't like spending the time apart, however brief it might be. But if Tara hadn't held the table, chances were the other movie-goers flooding the store would take up all the seats. That would mean getting their drinks to go, and shortening their evening. That was just . . . not acceptable.

Willow turned back to the counter, but her attention was on the mental snapshot she'd taken. Tara was just so beautiful. She tried to hide it behind her hair, but Willow wasn't fooled. Unlike the girls she grew up with, Tara wasn't a rail with boobs. Tara was a woman with boobs. She couldn't quite explain it. Tara was just . . . Tara.

Willow was fairly certain Tara was interested from the way she had caught Tara looking at her. Yet nothing had happened. No goodnight smoochies. No heads rested on shoulders during movies. No hand holding as they walked the streets of Sunnydale. Willow had had to resist the temptation to hum "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" as they walked from the movie theater to the coffee shop that evening.

Because Willow did want to hold her hand. And stroke her hair. And kiss her lips. If it was a positive-valence tactile verb, there was a good chance she wanted to do it to some part of Tara.

Willow repeatedly took her out, gay friend on dates, and waited for something to happen. Willow wanted to let Tara set the pace. It was the gentlemanly thing to do, after all. But if Tara didn't start the pace soon, Willow was going to explode. Because it wasn't just during these Friday night progress-less dates that she saw Tara. It was every single day. Every moment not critically allocated to something else was spent with Tara. Rewarding as all that time was, it was leading to more and more showers focused on Tara rather than getting clean.

Once their drinks finally arrived, Willow turned to see some asshole making eyes at Tara. Oh, no, buster. I may not be getting even hand-holding privileges, but you are not hitting on my date.

"I-" Tara had begun by the time Willow made it to striking distance.

"She's with me," Willow informed the interloper, as she glared at him with a venom usually reserved for academic dishonesty.

“Oh,” the guy said. He rocked on his heels as he looked between the two girls, as if he were assessing his dwindling chances. “Like . . . with you?” he asked.

What the hell else would I mean? "Yeah." Willow set down their drinks and took her seat, her glare still on the intruder.

"Oh, sorry." He walked away without eyeing Tara again, so Willow was content to watch him go, rather than stand and start something, shooting stakes at him with her eyes until he sat down on the other side of the shop.

Willow finally turned to look at Tara, and felt her heart and face melt at the sight. "Sorry. I . . . I didn’t mean to, well, I’m sure you could’ve handled that,” Willow apologized, not sure what to make of the strange look on Tara's face. “I just . . . well, he was hitting on you, and he’s not your type, being a ‘he’ and all, and so I . . . .”

Thought I’d keep him from ruining the non-existent mood?

Demonstrated my shooing-guys-away prowess for you?

Wanted to keep him from looking at you another instant?


“It’s fine,” Tara said with a slight shrug. “I, umm . . . appreciate the rescue."

"Hmph," Willow growled, her eye having caught the offender's form once more. How dare someone try to move in on my date when I'm still trying to move in on my date. "Not that I can really blame him for trying," Willow lied. "You're gorgeous, so--"

“You think I’m gorgeous?" Tara sputtered.

Willow turned back to Tara, unclear as to how she could have missed this. Is the square root of -1 i? "Yeah. I have eyes." Willow pointed at them before more adjectives tumbled out to join the fun. “And you’re . . . very attractive. And sweet, and smart, and fun, and funny and adorable and hot and . . ." Willow turned her glare back to the trespasser, ". . . and what kind of a jerk hits on a girl who’s already on a date?” Willow finished, ready to go over there and sock him if looked back toward them.

"What?" At this point, Willow noticed that Tara's eyebrows were rather closer to her hairline than normal. Maybe I was talking too fast again.

"What kind of jerk hits on a girl who's already on a date?" Willow calmly repeated, trying to be clear rather than spastic.

“Maybe he didn’t know I was on a date?” Tara hesitantly suggested. “Maybe I didn’t know I was on a date,” she muttered to herself.

Wait, what? Willow felt the surprise and confusion grip her face. More obvious things Tara’s missing. “Dinner, movie, after-movie beverage,” Willow enumerated as she counted each point with a finger. “Picked you up at your dorm, argued over who was paying for what. Walking you home after mochas,” Willow said, her mocha in hand to emphasize her final point. “Ergo, date. Right?” she concluded, hopeful that now the "this is a date" nonsense was cleared up, they could move to the hand holding.

“You . . . date girls?” Tara looked surprised, and Willow realized her mistake. That’s why nothing has happened. Oops.

“Well, no,” Willow answered with a shake of her head before she corrected herself. “Or, yes . . . yes,” she nodded. “But just the one. If that’s okay?” Willow held her breath and slowly slid a hand halfway across the table.

“Okay,” Tara beamed, and took the offered hand. Tara’s eyes sparkled at the contact, and Willow’s heart skipped a beat seeing that Tara could look even more beautiful.

“So . . . what did you think of the movie?” Willow asked, trying to act nonchalant.

“I liked it.”

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Queen of HeartsThe Sincerest Form of FlatteryDrabbles


Last edited by BeMyDeputy on Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 11:05 am 
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11. Fish in the Bowl

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DIBS!!!

Hi Kate,

Lots to say here, definitely read and re-read Sasse's original; you are very gifted yourself and imitating an amazingly talented lady - smart move!

Willow-prose was spot on:
Quote:
Willow was fairly certain Tara was interested from the way she had caught Tara looking at her. Yet nothing had happened. No goodnight smoochies. No heads rested on shoulders during movies. No hand holding as they walked the streets of Sunnydale. Willow had had to resist the temptation to hum "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" as they walked from the movie theater to the coffee shop that evening.


As I compare the tone of Sass's piece with yours, hers is more accessible with more common language. Here is Sass' section:

Quote:
Her point was … Willow was captivating. When she was smiling. Talking. Laughing. Thinking. Reading. Walking. Standing. Sitting. Studying.

If there was an “-ing” tacked on the end, and Willow was the one ing-ing, Tara had a hard time looking at anything else.


Here is your version from Willow's POV:
Quote:
Because Willow did want to hold her hand. And stroke her hair. And kiss her lips. If it was a positive-valence tactile verb, there was a good chance she wanted to do it to some part of Tara.


I'm honestly not sure what a positive-valence tactile verb is. I gather the context but the process slows down the appreciation of the thought. Maybe that's just me but I'm doing my best to respect your desire for positive and negative feedback. The question is always, does this word choice illuminate or obfuscate? Is it precise or pretentious? It's a thin line and I'm very drawn to the intellectual quality of your writing; you're more demanding of your readers and I love the challenge. In this instance, however, I think it slows down the story.

Tara's POV from Sass:
Quote:
“So … what did you think of the movie?” Willow asked, taking a sip of her mocha.

“I liked it,” Tara said, grinning widely.


Willow's POV from you:
Quote:
So . . . what did you think of the movie?” Willow asked, trying to act nonchalant.

“I liked it.”


This is a comparison and a question, with no criticism either way. Why did you leave off Tara's reaction? I ask because Willow would certainly notice it.

Finally, I didn't comment on your first vignette and want to say quickly that it was very precise, very polished and in my mind, flawless.

Thank you for all the help you've given me!

Ariel


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 1:08 pm 
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Ms. Moderator Fantastico
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I completely disagree with Ariel’s criticisms.

Ariel, you should consider the fact that BeMyDeputy’s re-write is Willow’s POV, therefore the language used will be much different than Tara’s. Willow has a highly intellectual mind and her thought process is far from “common.” You may not know what a positive-valence tactile verb is, but Willow would know. That's the point. It didn’t slow down the pacing for me one bit.


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:10 pm 
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Hi Kate
Loving these pieces. Love the original Sassette vignettes.

More would be great.

Sorry for the brevity - running late for work!

Anne
p.s. more later, hopefully

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:36 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Very cool... I really liked this re-write. The language was very Willowy. I would be very interested in reading Your spin on "On second thought." Can't wait for the next entry in your Series...Great job :pride


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 3:00 pm 
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Hey!

Just spotted this series!

Loved the originals and love your take on them too. I thought the first was really brilliant and the second - Willow's POV for that vignette was something I've actually wondered about the few time's I've gone back to read them and I think yours was pretty much spot on!

Looking forward to seeing what other means of 'flattery' you reproduce :wink

Really great stuff.

:peace

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 4:35 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Several things.
1) Thank you Ariel, for being honest, and thank you Kajun, for disagreeing. Seeing your feedback paired here is actually really useful, because it highlights that different readers are getting different things out of what I'm writing. Discussions like this make it feel more like a writing class; given this is a writing exercise for me, that's pretty cool.

2) When I say that I'm open to negative comments, I mean it, face value. Like, super duper mean it. Like, "have you ever seen me give criticism before, because I'm pretty fucking harsh" mean it. Honestly, you could post saying that I suck and my writing is horrible. If you don't back that up, it's just a waste of space, and I'm confident enough in myself and my writing that I'll just ignore you. If you do back it up, I'm all for it. I may defend myself, but I won't be mad. I honestly would rather people say something than just walk away.

3) One thing I'm thinking of doing is posting my goal for the rewrite before the piece. If readers don't know what I'm trying to do, it's hard for them to judge if I'm doing it effectively. Good idea? Bad idea? Don't really care what I'm trying to do, just want to read something mushy/pretty/sexy?

Okay, now answering questions.

Ariel:
Quote:
As I compare the tone of Sass's piece with yours, hers is more accessible with more common language.


This is totally correct. And intentional.

So, with "Rewrites," what I was trying to do was match the style and the type of event (a cute, everyday, domestic-y moment with a very meta discussion). With "Totally a Date," I was looking to take "Not a Date," translate that into from Tara's head to an outsider's point of view, and then go into Willow's head. Like, taking the original, then making that into a script-style third person description, and then move into a different third-person limited-omniscient. While I set up a lot of the parallel ideas, I wasn't trying to make them sound the same in tone.

Why would I want to do this? Well, with "Queen of Hearts" I write from a third-person limited-omniscient POV (you can credit/blame/otherwise hold accountable dlline for that). But for every section I write (particularly for when the girls are together), there is a companion piece that could be written: the same event from the other POV. In fact, coming up there are going to be two sections that are pretty much the same event twice, because the two POVs are so different and so important. At least to me, and I'm the author. :) So I wanted to do this as a chance to practice for that.

So, I hope that makes sense; yes, it is very different language-wise, but it was on purpose.

***

Me:
Quote:
Because Willow did want to hold her hand. And stroke her hair. And kiss her lips. If it was a positive-valence tactile verb, there was a good chance she wanted to do it to some part of Tara.


Ariel:
Quote:
I'm honestly not sure what a positive-valence tactile verb is. I gather the context but the process slows down the appreciation of the thought . . . . The question is always, does this word choice illuminate or obfuscate? Is it precise or pretentious?


vs.

Kajun:
Quote:
Willow has a highly intellectual mind and her thought process is far from “common.” You may not know what a positive-valence tactile verb is, but Willow would know. That's the point. It didn’t slow down the pacing for me one bit.


This addresses a constant issue I have with my writing. I spend my life speaking to graduate students and my fiance, who has a PhD in psychology. If you've never met people so entrenched in academia . . . well, we talk funny. For "Queen of Hearts," I have Diane there to help catch me when I go too far and am likely to lose people.

So, first, a positive-valence tactile verb: what is it? Positive-valence just means "attractiveness" as opposed to "aversiveness." Joy has a positive valence, while anger has a negative valence. Tactile means touching, and verbs . . . are verbs. So, Willow expresses a similar sentiment to Tara's, but rather than just considering all verbs, limits it to good ones. Verbs like "slay" and "hit" and so on are enough of Willow's life that she actively excludes them.

Is this phrasing the best way for me as a writer to make my point? I don't know. Right now, it seems to have broken flow for half of my reporting audience and not for the other half. My sample size is really small, though.

***

So, why didn't I mention Tara's smile at the end?

I have Tara beam as she takes Willow's hand; "Not a Date" describes Tara's internal state here, with the fireworks. I translated that into her eyes sparkling and beaming. I wanted to mimic the structure at the end of "Not a Date," with a more florid line followed by the dialog that winds it down. I played with Tara smiling at the end, but since I already had her smile, it felt redundant. I went with this because it felt tidy.

***

Thanks everyone for responding, and I hope my answers to people's questions make sense. I'll do a proper feedback to everyone with my next post, but I thought I'd jump to Ariel's defense/answer her questions right away, because we have an extant relationship that involves detailed critique that other people might not know about.

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Last edited by BeMyDeputy on Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:24 pm 
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Hi BeMyDeputy, (or may I call you Kate?)

As I said before, I thought that ‘Rewrites’ perfectly captured the essence of the original piece, so it was fascinating how a change of POV in ‘Totally A Date’ completely changed the tone. Or I should say, it did for me. The dialogue is the same but the feel is very different.

For me, a lot of the joy of ‘Not A Date’ was Tara’s ignorance of Willow’s motives, which meant that the story led up to a terrific punchline. In ‘Totally A Date’ we already know Tara’s feelings, (this being the kittenboard), and I think that writing from Willow’s POV removes a lot of dramatic tension. I often wonder why writers choose a particular POV and this exercise gave me a great opportunity to consider the impact of that choice.

Willow’s use of language is very different from Tara’s, so the ‘positive-valence tactile verb’ was perfectly in character. However, it did trip me up. For a moment I left the story, (mentally), while I worked out what it meant. So, it begs the question, should we modify our characters to make the story more accessible to our readers? In this case, I probably would.


btw. On Second Thought is awesome, no question.


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:43 pm 
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Kudos to you for inspiring some spirited debate. I think it's always great to get multiples points of view, and so extra kudos to you for jumping in to clarify and to reaffirm your openness to said critique. I think that Ariel made some interesting points, while Willow is more intellectual undoubtedly, and I knew what a positive-valence verb was, it felt...and I mean this in the kindest way...a bit forced to draw a parallel to Tara's focus on ing-ing. Don't get me wrong, this is an absolutely delightful read. I admire you taking on such a challenging exercise to hone your already formidable craft.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 9:18 am 
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Ooh! Debate! Oh, the controversy! While I have given feedback via PM when BeMyDeputy asked about posting these, I would like to say publically that I really enjoyed both of them, I'm really flattered to have been asked, and thanks, all, for the lovely comments about the originals.

And now I will weigh in on "Positive-Valence-Tactile-Verb-Gate".

For me, that phrase totally worked, though I didn't know what it meant before BeMyDeputy's definition in this thread. It didn't really matter, or throw me out of the story because, contextually, I got the general gist of what Willow was expressing: that she would, given a chance, do naughty things to Tara. That, and I totally buy into the idea that Willow knows bigger words than I do, and that she uses them in the privacy of her own head.

And while I have don't know whether or not it was intentional, I do believe very firmly that a more earthy "ing-ing" description, even in her head, would have cut the date short because Willow would have needed to go take a cold shower. I think part of Willow's charm is her ability to work herself into a total tizzy - and that this characteristic does apply to naughty thoughts getting her worked up to the point where she has to go away ... so the phrasing allows her to both experience the thought, but distance herself from the implications so she can keep her cool.

Tara, by contrast, is much more even-keeled. "Ing-ing" thoughts aren't going to cause abrupt departures. Not to say there isn't a cold shower in her future: she's just better able to handle and enjoy the moment she's in, rather than thinking of that moment as something that has to lead somewhere.

Tara is journey. Willow is destination.

So, even if that exact phrase were edited to something else in the interest of reader accessibility, I would argue the "something else" would still need to be "brainy" enough that it has that distancing effect. Willow is chock full of potential energy, like a heavy object precariously balanced on the edge of a table: reason and knowledge are the weights she uses to keep herself firmly in place. Emotional weight tips her over the edge and she ends up in free-fall if she doesn't have a way of compensating.

The step-by-step paint-by-numbers date (in the original, the "by all laws of logic, this = date" nature of their evening was entirely intentional, and entirely Willow), and to some extent, use of technical language (in the original, she actually uses "ergo" in a sentence), is how she handles the deepening emotions of her relationship with Tara.

And it also works when she doesn't have a cold shower handy.

Overall, I found this rewrite from Willow's POV fantastic. I hadn't considered writing this from Willow's POV, but if I had, her confusion regarding why things hadn't progressed to at least hand-holding is perfect and spot-on. From her POV, logically, it should have. Her realization that Tara is missing that critical piece of information - that Willow is open to dating a woman - is also perfect. By the time they're on this date, Willow has incorporated her attraction to a woman into her "Things That Are True" list, so it is now, from her perspective, as obvious as a = a. It would not occur to her that Tara isn't aware that a = a.

I spend far too much time thinking about these things :)

-Sass


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:00 pm 
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I swear I’m writing Queen of Hearts. I really am.

It’s just . . . I’m doing this mean thing to Tara and it hurts to do . . . so I wrote something fluffy instead.

But first, feedback!

Thanks so much to everyone who commented, particularly those who voiced an opinion on the whole "positive valence tactile verb (PVTV)" issue. I think I want to rewrite the sentence everyone's talking about, but am not sure how to balance brainy and accessible. I really enjoy getting feedback not only on what I’m writing, but how I’m writing it. I hope that I’ve demonstrated that I really mean it when I’m up for all types of critique. If you don’t feel comfortable saying something negative, or something you think will sound like a dumb question, in the thread, I’m always happy to hear from people via PM.

@spells42 Thanks Anne. Here’s more!


@SMGOVAN I’m glad you liked. I like writing from Willow’s perspective because we’re so alike, and it makes for a convincing point of view. I’m outlining a POV-switch rewrite of the beginnings of “On Second Thought;” I think it might work.


@Laragh Glad you found it. I like the first one because it feels the same as the original; the second doesn’t feel the same at all, but is cool because dlline has gotten me obsessed not only with trying to write from a tight POV, but to think about how other characters are experiencing the same events, what assumptions the POV character is making (and how they might be wrong), and that sort of thing. I’m also in the middle of reading “Waiting for Dani" (which everyone should go read [s]right now[/s] as soon as they’ve read my rewrite if they haven’t already read it) and the tight POV is brilliant and uncomfortable and maddening and have I mentioned that Deb is a fucking goddess? Anyway . . . right. I’m glad you liked these.


@wayland Of course you can call me Kate. I feel kinda honored being asked.
I really agree with you that “Rewrites” feels a lot like “Vignettes.” It’s really what I was trying for, and I am really pleased with how well it came out.

I can totally see what you mean about the dramatic tension. Since my writing has been mostly very strictly canon, I don’t always think too much about that. I know, and my readers know, what’s going to happen. It was televised a decade ago. Plus, I have this thing where I do the same thing over and over. Like, I re-read the same books, I listen to the same 20 or so songs on my playlist despite having (and liking) hundreds more; I play the same video games despite the fact my fiancé owns multiple thousands of dollars worth of games, I watch the same movies and television shows despite the great many available to me on Hulu, Netflix, etc. You get the picture. So much of the media I consume is something I’ve already experienced, and so I don’t think about the uncertainty of not knowing what’s going to happen.

But yes, POV has a really big impact on how the same event feels in the telling. For QofH, I really feel a difference in how I write, depending on which character I’m writing from. Now, that might just be because I can filter the “Kate” out and it’s easier to see the difference. The upcoming scene where they meet Faith in the Bronze is going to be an extreme example of how differently they see the same event, and how different the same experience can feel.

Thanks for voicing in on the PVTV issue.


@LonelyTara Thanks for the words of encouragement. Ah, PVTV vs. ing-ing. I was only sort of trying to draw a parallel between those paragraphs. A crooked parallel. Which, by definition, means not parallel. So, if I did x, then rhyme : slant rhyme :: parallel : x. Yeah, you thought you were done with analogies, didn’t you? In all honesty, the paragraph flowed more from the Beatles reference. Willow was compelled to hum “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” because it expressed a sentiment that was true. Then I just got thinking the desire to . Yes, I had the ing-ing paragraph there making me think about gerunds, so that helped craft the paragraph.


@Sassette Thanks so much for the praise, and for playing along with my little games.

As for your discussion of PVTV-gate, I pretty much have this to say: yes. And if you spend too much time thinking about these things, then so do I.

I wanted to make this a situation where Willow was confused because she had painted herself into a corner. She knows Tara is interested in women, and has come to understand that she is interested in Tara. Not only has she failed to tell Tara the second half, but she’s also waiting for Tara to make the first move; “It was the gentlemanly thing to do.” It’s kind of a weird meta-joke, as well. Willow doesn’t understand why nothing has happened because she doesn’t consider Tara’s point of view, and this rewrite was a point of view swap . . . and I’m sure that’s only clever to me.

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Queen of HeartsThe Sincerest Form of FlatteryDrabbles


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:15 pm 
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Author: BeMyDeputy (Kate)
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes please! This is currently an un-betaed writing exercise. Both positive and negative feedback are extremely welcome. When I say that I'm open to negative comments, I mean it, face value. Like, super duper mean it. Like, "have you ever seen me give criticism before, because I'm pretty fucking harsh" mean it. Honestly, you could post saying that I suck and my writing is horrible. If you don't back that up, it's just a waste of space, and I'm confident enough in myself and my writing that I'll just ignore you. If you do back it up, I'm all for it. I may defend myself, but I won't be mad. I honestly would rather people say something than just walk away.
Disclaimer: The entire Buffyverse (including setting, characters, and plot) is property of it's owners, including but not limited to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement is intended by this work.
Original Piece: Vignettes #4: Morning by Sassette
Acknowledgments: Thanks to Sassette for continuing to humor me, and for having a large supply of short pieces that I can rewrite in under two hours each.
Notes: This rewrite adds a character to the original piece.


The Sincerest Form of Flattery #3 Trade-Off

Willow turned over in the early light of dawn, and moved to throw an arm and leg over Tara. The smell of vanilla and jasmine flooded her nose, and Willow sighed in her sleep. The corners of her mouth tugged slightly downward as she tried to pull her lover closer.

Something wasn’t right.

Even in her sleep, Willow knew what Tara felt like.

It wasn’t like this.

Bits and pieces of tactile information started to make it past the brain stem and push Willow’s awareness begrudgingly towards consciousness. She tried to dig in her claws to phase three sleep, but skidded towards wakefulness nevertheless. Lack of Tara was just something sleeping Willow did not grok. She needed to pull out the big guns: awake Willow.

Willow awoke with a start. In her pre-conscious attempts to be close to Tara, she’d managed to block her airways off with Tara’s pillow. She pulled her head back just an inch and took a deep breath.

“Pth! Ack!”

In her haste to re-oxygenate her brain, Willow had pulled strands of her hair into mouth and toward her windpipe. She sat up, flustered, and hurriedly swiped the offending tendrils away.

By the light in the room, Willow guessed it to be Officially Too Early. She glanced down at Tara’s side of the bed, only to see a person-shaped line of pillows under the covers, instead of the naked, brunette goddess that had been there when she fell asleep.

“Stupid Sundays,” she grumbled, as she flopped back down on to the bed and pulled a sheet over her bare body. Tara always woke early on Sundays, and she always left her pillows in her place to keep Willow company. Normally Willow wouldn’t notice until it was a more decent hour (say, breakfast time). On the off occasion she did wake and notice Tara’s absence, holding Tara’s pillow was enough to get her back to sleep.

Today, however, after trying to choke on her own hair, there was far too much epinephrine pumping through her blood for Willow to get back to sleep. She tried for several minutes, despite the fact she knew better, but eventually decided to throw in the towel.

Willow pulled on the Snoopy pajamas Tara had discarded last night and her Totoro slippers before descending the staircase of their wooden A-frame house. She smiled as she stepped on the third stair from the top. The stair had always creaked, and when they first bought the house Willow hated it, voicing concerns that the stair could break any day, that it was clearly a health hazard, and what was that real estate agent trying to do to them anyways? Tara had laughed so hard as Willow got more and more worked up. Eventually, with a sparkle in her eye and a gentle shake of her head, Tara reassured Willow that the stair was surely not only perfectly safe, but that she thought it helped give the house character. That had perked Willow right up. She later found herself in love with the stair: the creaking reminded her of Tara laughing.

When she got to the main floor, Willow looked out the patio to see if Tara was visible. Their home sat on an acreage, so there was a decent chance Tara was no where to be seen.

But she was.

Willow smiled at the scene. Out in the grass by the big oak tree sat Tara and their son Joshua. Tara usually spent her Sunday mornings teaching the young child magic. It was a practice Willow had walked away from years ago, and she’d suggested Tara teach him Sunday mornings, when Willow wouldn’t be around.

Willow watched them, wondering if she could decipher what they were up to this morning. It had been a long time, but she could usually tell what Tara was doing magically just by watching her. After several minutes, Willow concluded they were simply meditating, one of the few things from her magical past that she continued to do.

This left her at a crossroads: did she join her wife and son, or did she stay inside?

In or out?

Willow frowned, considering her options. Had it been just Tara, there would have been no question: she would have joined her in a heartbeat. But it was Sunday. Sunday mornings were special. They gave Joshua private time to bond with Tara, just as Wednesday evenings were special Willow-Joshua bonding time.

In, she decided. It stung a little; she gave up magic a long time ago, but to see Tara share it with Joshua was still bittersweet. That used to be me. With a shake of her head, she pushed the thought away.

Willow watched them for a few minutes more, focused on how the early morning light brought out the lighter highlights in Tara’s hair, and how unusually still Joshua sat. The thought of his normal four-year-old self, tearing around the raspberry bushes or up and down the stairs was such a contrast to the picture before her. The sight was perfect. Definitely worth getting up for.

*DING!* The familiar sound of the bread machine broke Willow from her reverie. Tara liked having fresh bread every day, but they were both too busy to make it themselves; they’d compromised with a high-end bread machine with a time-delay function. The familiar smell of fresh bread drew Willow’s attention away from her family and towards the kitchen.

I suppose I may as well make them an early breakfast if I’m up. Willow put on an apron on her way into the kitchen before pulling down two cast-iron skillets from where they hung above the stove. After rooting around in the refrigerator, she slid six pieces of bacon into the first skillet before she started mixing eggs for a ham and cheese omelet. She laughed as she considered the menu: they neither kept kosher nor were vegetarians, despite their religious roots. After a certain number of apocalypses, food laws seemed unimportant.

Just as she finished pouring the egg mixture into the second skillet, the back door opened and the pitter-patter of little feet filled the house. Joshua ran straight into the kitchen, and pointed at the counter next to the stove. “Up, Daddy! Up!”

Willow smiled at her title as she picked up the expectant child and sat him down on the counter. When they’d first adopted him, Willow had been firm on the idea of being Joshua’s “father.” (“A growing boy needs a Dad, Tara,” she’d insisted. “And your boobs are way too big for you to have the job.” Tara had just laughed. “Plus, when he gets to school it will totally mess with his teachers.”)

“Look what I can do, Daddy!” Joshua pulled a small apple from the front pocket of his overalls, and held it out in his right palm. He scrunched up his face, his brown eyes fixed on the apple for several seconds before it began to float. Joshua held it there, his face still screwed up in concentration. Willow beamed down with pride at her son and began to clap. Suddenly the apple fell, and Joshua wasn’t quite quick enough to catch it on its way down.

“Very good, little man. Mommy’s taught you well.” Willow tousled his jet-black hair.

“What are you blaming Mommy for this time?” Tara’s voice came from the kitchen doorway.

“I’m crediting you with the excellent education of our son. He was floating that apple until I startled him by clapping. Weren’t you, little man?” Willow kept one hand on Joshua while she used the other to flip the bacon.

Joshua sat up tall. “Yes, Mommy, I was! Just like you showed me! But then Daddy clapped and it fall-ed.”

“Fell,” Willow and Tara corrected, in unison.

“Fell,” Joshua repeated with a decisive nod.

Willow felt Tara’s arms wrap just below her waist. “What are you doing up so early?” she whispered. “Didn’t I tire you out last night?”

Willow elbowed Tara gently. “Tara! Joshua!” she whispered back.

“Joshua what, Daddy?”

“Nothing, little man. So, does bacon and an omelet sound like a good post-meditation breakfast?”

“Yes, Daddy! Thank you.” He nodded emphatically, before turning his head to the side. “Daddy, why don’t you do magic with me and Mommy?” Willow could feel Tara stiffen behind her, and heard her sharp intake of breath. They both knew this question would come eventually.

Willow squeezed Tara’s arms, and handed her the spatula. She turned to Joshua, and squatted down to look at him at eye-level. “Joshua, do you remember last month when you had too much popcorn, and it made you sick?” He stuck out his tongue, and made a yucky face before nodding. “Well, Joshua, Mommy and I used to do magic together, but that was a very long time ago. But then I had too much of it, and it made me sick. Way sicker than you were.”

“Oh no!” Joshua’s eyes went wide.

“Yes. So now I can’t do magic any more, or I’d get so sick I wouldn’t be able to be around you and Mommy any more.” Willow picked him up suddenly and held him tight while covering his face in quick kisses. “I’d rather have you and Mommy than be sick and have magic.”

“Really, Daddy?”

Willow looked from Joshua to Tara and back to Joshua again and smiled.

“Really.”

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Queen of HeartsThe Sincerest Form of FlatteryDrabbles


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 1:16 pm 
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DIBS!

The image of Willow choking on her own hair was too much for my facial muscles, and they lost control, spewing Coke all over my keyboard. I'll send you the repair bill :wink

I loved that the creak of the stair reminded Willow of Tara's laugh.

Huh, interesting to see a kid included in this one.

You know, I was just thinking the whole Willow watching Tara and Joshua do magic was bittersweet and then she thought it herself. But I'm glad she could still take pleasure from watching them.

Joshua calling Willow 'Daddy' is pretty funny. I don't know how I'd feel about it in a real-life situation, but all's fair in love and fanfic.

Sweet explanation about Willow's past use of magic.

But I'm still kinda stuck on 'Daddy'.

Huh.

:wink

:peace

(PS Sorry this took so long, I had it all ready to go and the site wouldn't load for me!)


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:13 pm 
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Charming and sweet. I love Daddy-Willow. That little burst of tradition is adorable, and I can totally see Willow insisting on the title. Sweet, tiny, feminine "Daddy" Willow. Delightful.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:21 am 
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Hi Kate,

This story really set me thinking.

The writing is lovely, the exchanges between Tara and Willow hit the perfect note of long-term intimacy, and I particularly liked the creaky stair. It’s a great image.

When I finished reading, though, I felt sad. Sad for Willow. So I’ve been trying to work out why.

I had the same ‘huh’ reaction as Laragh to ‘Daddy’. The mother/child bond is so mythologised in our society, that for a woman to choose another role felt unsettling. I realise that this is my conditioning showing through, and it surprised me. I do know that the roles of a mother and a father can be different, but they are not unequal.

I think my reaction was magnified because in the story this is juxtaposed with the exclusion of Willow from a mother/child activity - not from choice, but as a consequence of addiction. Maybe if there was some detail of the Willow/Joshua bonding time it might have felt different to me?

Quote:
So now I can’t do magic any more, or I’d get so sick I wouldn’t be able to be around you and Mommy any more.


As I said, this made me sad, as if Willow’s place in the family was tenuous and conditional.

It reminds me how much of my own experience I bring to everything I read, and that line in particular affected me.


Thanks for a thought-provoking read. I always look forward to your writing.


Clare


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Mon Feb 14, 2011 9:28 pm 
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Hi Kate,

I have to agree with Wayland I always look forward to your writing and it’s always throught-provoking.

So much rich and lovely detail: The lighter highlights of Tara’s hair in the sunshine . . . Joshua tearing around the raspberry bushes . . . the creaking stair and Tara’s laughter and these as well:

Quote:
Willow turned over in the early light of dawn, and moved to throw an arm and leg over Tara. The smell of vanilla and jasmine flooded her nose


Quote:
Tara always woke early on Sundays, and she always left her pillows in her place to keep Willow company.


Quote:
Joshua sat up tall. “Yes, Mommy, I was! Just like you showed me! But then Daddy clapped and it fall-ed.”

“Fell,” Willow and Tara corrected, in unison.

“Fell,” Joshua repeated with a decisive nod.

I actually remember teaching our son to talk, so that rang true for me.

Very effective child-sized definition of addiction and yes, I felt the sadness and the joy there. Willow’s memories, past closeness, present loss, and the final balance in being happy with what they have.

Thank you for another gift of your writing and another picture of our two immortal lovers and their lives together. :flower

Ariel


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Wed Mar 02, 2011 12:03 am 
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Okay, love your style. Smart but fluid and well-paced. I kind of feel like your writing is a compliment to my intelligence, since you're trusting me to figure out what the hell you're talking about. Also, Willow's perspective + vocab and complicated phrases = yes.

I'm gonna be honest, the first one didn't really grab my attention. I really liked the second, although (I said I was honest) I didn't read the intro so I didn't have any conception that this is actually re-writing somebody else's work (dumb, I know). I also totally couldn't tell that this was season 4 filler, and I'm tempted to say that it in fact CAN'T be because of that line in Goodbye Iowa, "I hope you don't think that I just come over for the spells and everything. I mean, I really like just talking and hanging out with you and stuff."

That last one was super bittersweet, heartbreaking almost. And the "Daddy" just totally surprised me every time.


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 6:01 am 
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I've just read "Queen of Hearts" in its entirety and couldn't stop reading your writing - so I ended up here...

I just wanted to say it's been extremely awesome reading both your writing as well as the feedback explaining choices, questioning styles etc. It feels it's writing at a bit of a higher level than usual (absolutely no offence to other stories!!) and it just makes me think more about what goes into a story, really, from a writer's point of view. I am a (non-English) language graduate so I find words and styles extremely interesting but actual writing is a whole other piece of work!

While I do tend to notice other aspects of a story, aside from the obvious, grammar, spelling etc., I'm never quite able to explain these things in proper feedback like you do here. This feedback is actually a really good example of that, hehe.

So anyway what I wanted to say is that it's just really refreshing to read your stories and feedback so I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your stories :) Thanks for sharing!

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Apr 14, 2011 6:39 am 
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How on earth have I missed this series! This series is exactly why the KB is such a marvelous place. The interaction between writers, readers, and authors breeds such a creative and warm atmosphere, its really astounding. I love us!

Brilliant beyond brilliant, BMD, I absolutely love everything about your rewrites, including the idea to do them in the first place. And they're so good which makes 'em even better.

"Not a Date" is one of my favorite Sassette vignettes, its so honest and sweet and feels completely natural and you nailed Willow's perspective on the whole scene.

Of course Willow wouldn't want to pressure Tara and so she allows Tara to set the pace. But as Sass pointed out, if Tara doesn't even know a=a, nothing can happen! I love that its stressing Will out to the point where the only thing in the world she wants to do is hold Tara's hand.

My favorite lines:
Quote:
"She's with me," Willow informed the interloper, as she glared at him with a venom usually reserved for academic dishonesty.
Ha! Thats got to be one of my favorite Willow-plated comparisons that snuck in under the radar. Academic dishonesty! Oh man, it killed me, good job.

Quote:
That’s why nothing has happened. Oops
Aaah, the eureka moment. Way to nail it, Will. I was really proud of Willow for reigning in the spastic and keeping calm when she recounted the date-like qualities of their past Friday nights.


Anyway, this series is truly inspired and I'm so excited to see discussion (from Sassette, too! :D ) and replies. When I get home later, I can't wait to sit down and read the next one!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 12:20 am 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Joined: Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:31 am
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Hey everyone,
I wrote another one of these, but have not heard back on if it's okay to post it. So, this isn't that!

However, I do want to share my feedback responses. Interestingly, "Trade Off" is 1591 words and took less than two hours to write. The entirety of the feedback response I have here, including quotes, is over 8000 words and probably took at least ten hours to create including the time I spent emailing back and forth with wayland. So, for people who like to read me explaining shit: it's your lucky day.

BIG DISCLAIMER!

This is not me being passive-aggressive at Sass. I'm thrilled she's let me post any of these. So please don't pester her. I'm just super-excited to share my thoughts on the feedback I've received.

*small voice* Plus, I'm vain, and was sad to see this knocked off the first page.

Shut up.

--Kate



General response
There were two recurring themes in the feedback to “Trade Off.” First, reaction to Willow's choice in title, and second to the ideas of addiction and consequences brushed on by both Willow watching Tara and Joshua in the yard and by Willow's explanation to Joshua of why she didn't do magic with them. Wayland and I ended up having a very long discussion about these, primarily about the issue of Willow's addiction and how it shapes this family's current life. I've posted this discussion, slightly edited, at the end of this post for those interested in the details. (There's also a brief discussion of my understanding of Willow's story throughout the entire show, for those who are interested.)

Here's a summary for each issue.

Willow as “Daddy”
My use of this title got a lot of attention, but I really threw it in very casually because it amused me in the moment. I was surprised by how many people commented on it.

While I'd love to say that I'd thought of this at the time, it wasn't until after I was done and posted that a particularly interesting reasoning behind Willow's choice came to mind. My interpretation of the exactly one episode where we meet Sheila is that she's in sociology, social psychology or cultural anthropology. Whichever of these it is, a discussion of social scripts is something Willow should reasonably have grown up around. Given that Willow and Tara are raising a male son, and their social circle is rather small and insular, I think it's reasonable that Willow could be concerned about providing her son with male social scripts. She would feel motivated to provide her son with some sense of normalcy in the face of their extremely crazy existence (this takes for granted the idea that Willow and Tara are still active in Scooby-centric activities, which never came up in the actual text, though the fact that the universe itself is the Buffyverse was certainly addressed). Since Willow was socialized with male friends from a young age (certainly Xander, and plausibly Jesse), Willow has a good sense of what boys his age do, and by involving him in these types of activities at home, she enables him to better interact with boys his own age once he gets to school.

Let me emphasize here that I'm not saying that same-sex couples do any damage to children they raise of the sex the parents are not. Children raised by same-sex couples do just fine, and in fact by some measures are more successful than their peers. Though social scripts are certainly influenced by parents' behavior, parents are not the sole source: it takes a village and all that. What I am saying is that Willow, who is both in a very small social circle and has the capacity to be somewhat narrow-minded when looking at social factors (e.g. not considering the influence of television, movies, and other media), could come to the conclusion that this would be beneficial for her son given their situation.


Here are some factors that influenced the choice at the time of writing:
  • My parents had very different roles in my life and in raising me, but I never associated my dad's role in my life with him being male or my mom's role with her being female. They were different because they were different people, not because they were different sexes. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a lot of ways, I don't see what you call your parent important. They're just words. Very "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." I bring this up because it makes the idea of assigning a male title to a female parent something that feels comfortable to me just because I feel like it.
  • I don't plan on kids, and am currently engaged to a guy. However, I think if I did want kids and I was with a woman, I'd totally want the male titles. It'd be neat. And before I get jumped on for not knowing what the fuck I'm talking about, I did spend a large chunk of my dating life seeing women, and spent time considering children, even if I didn't think specifically about who would get called what. So, this comment isn't totally off the cuff and baseless.
  • Despite how Willow is actually portrayed on the show, particularly in the later seasons, I tend to think of Willow as a tom boy. Maybe it's how damn hot she looks in overalls. Maybe it's me projecting, because we have a lot of other things in common. But it's there.


Willow and Addiction
This story came off as very sad and/or bittersweet to people. I wrote it as an overall happy one, though certainly containing bittersweet moments. Discussing the details with others, I think that there are several underlying assumptions that I have about the world in which this vignette takes place, but were not explicitly stated. What was depicted instead was Willow trying to put a very complicated situation into terms that would make sense to a four-year-old child.

These factors have really changed the reading of the story for people, so let me lay them out.

  1. When Willow sees Tara and Joshua in the yard doing magic, what makes her sad and what makes her not interfere are different. She's sad because they're sharing magic, which is something she cannot, for both their safety and hers. The deciding factor in her not joining them is that Tara-Joshua time is reserved for Tara and Joshua alone. So, if Willow had not become addicted to magic, and both Willow and Tara gave Joshua magic lessons on, say, Tuesday nights, Sunday mornings would still be Tara-Joshua time, just like Wednesdays would still be Willow-Joshua time. Willow would not interfere either way. Willow is happy that Tara and Joshua have private time, because she knows how valuable her own private time with her son is.
  2. Willow has sought appropriate treatment for her addiction above and beyond her going cold-turkey as portrayed in season six, either through the council or the coven in England. Neither of them would have been willing to bring either magic or a child into their home otherwise.
  3. The divergence between this world and the canon world is rather late in Tara's storyline; basically the difference is that, for whatever reason, Tara isn't shot. This means both that Willow is an extremely skilled witch (though she has given the practice itself up) and that when enraged, she has the capacity to be extremely dangerous should she resort to magic; that is to say, should the events of “Seeing Red” have occurred in this world, Willow's response would have been the one depicted on the show. Whatever treatment Willow received has made both Willow and Tara very aware that Willow needs to stay away from magic for good to protect everyone's safety.
  4. Should Willow relapse, she would not be permanently excluded from Joshua and Tara's lives. She would go to “witchy-rehab,” to borrow a phrase from Wayland, for the safety of all those involved. As she recovered, Tara and Joshua would be part of her life again to the extent that it was safe for them to do so until it was okay for her to go home with them. While there are technically situations where Tara and Joshua would need to permanently be cut off from Willow, they are extreme and unlikely. Like, Tara wouldn't keep Joshua around Willow if Willow decided to become an axe-murder. But guess what! That's not gonna happen.
  5. This I think was understood, but bears emphasizing: unlike addictions to drugs, it's actually safe and reasonable for Willow to be in the same household as magic. She's been clean long enough to have recovered from the addiction enough for her to be around it. So, while it's a bad idea to keep a shelf of vodka in the home of a recovering alcoholic no matter how long the individual was sober, it's actually okay for Willow to get this level of exposure to magic.

So what I see at the end of the story is Willow looking back at a point in her past where she had two choices. They both had pros and cons. Magic came with the power to manipulate the world at the price of the powerlessness of addiction and no Tara. Coming clean came with Tara and the joy of love and eventual family at the price of that power. When she looks at what the "come clean" path has gained her, it's obvious that the one she chose was better. It brought her to a place that's amazing and beautiful.

Additionally, she sees this moment as a chance to tell her son a story that will make him listen carefully when Tara teaches him about balance, because Willow knows that wonder he's feeling when he floats the apple. Willow has provided an environment where he can learn magic, and wants him to have the chance to experience it. But like all parents, she wants to warn him away from the dangerous parts of it so he doesn't repeat her mistakes.





Individual Responses
Laragh
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The image of Willow choking on her own hair was too much for my facial muscles, and they lost control, spewing Coke all over my keyboard. I'll send you the repair bill

Hee hee. Poor keyboard.

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I loved that the creak of the stair reminded Willow of Tara's laugh. 

I’m glad. I was a little worried with that paragraph that was going to be too much, so I’m glad it came off as sweet rather than overly-detailed.

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Huh, interesting to see a kid included in this one. 

Though it wasn't a conscious decision on my part, I blame part of my decision on "Family Confidential;" I’d been reading, and so part of my brain was busy thinking about them having a kid. It was a lot of fun to do.

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You know, I was just thinking the whole Willow watching Tara and Joshua do magic was bittersweet and then she thought it herself. But I'm glad she could still take pleasure from watching them. 

This was exactly the note I was looking for, so this is extremely gratifying.

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Joshua calling Willow 'Daddy' is pretty funny. I don't know how I'd feel about it in a real-life situation, but all's fair in love and fanfic. 

See above general response to this issue.

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Sweet explanation about Willow's past use of magic. 

I’m glad. It’s such a complex thing, and while I had a lot in mind for the adult version of the explanation, the point here was an explanation that would make sense to a small child. So, the comparison to an experience with taste aversion seemed like something a kid would be able to understand.

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(PS Sorry this took so long, I had it all ready to go and the site wouldn't load for me!)

Hell, you added within a relatively short amount of time. Like, I seem to remember it being less than an hour. I leave dibs hanging for weeks sometimes . . . which may make me a bad person, but hey.

For example, getting totally pwned for not filling in my dibs for "The Three of Us." /shame


LonelyTara
Aw, thanks! See the general response above for the Willow as Daddy issues.


Wayland
Since our discussion was so long, you've been bumped down the end.


Ariel
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I always look forward to your writing and it’s always thought-provoking. 

Aw, shucks.

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So much rich and lovely detail

This was definitely made possible by the original piece. I’m not a visual thinker at all, and so what a scene looks like isn’t something it occurs to me to write about most of the time. But when I’m modeling off something that’s about atmosphere and detail, it forces me to think about it.

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I actually remember teaching our son to talk, so that rang true for me. 

WARNING: SCIENCE CONTENT
This is a phenomenon described in psychology, and it’s called “overregularization.” See, when kids are first learning English (and many other languages), the first words they learn are irregular, but they learn the conjugations by memorization, rather than pattern matching, so they get them right at first. Then, as they start to learn more regular verbs, the human tendency to pattern-match kicks in, and they start treating the irregular verbs that they used to get right like regular verbs. As they get older still, they learn which ones are which. It’s cool, because you can model this with a computer program. If you feed it verbs in the same order that kids learn them, it will go through the exact same U-shaped dip in correct conjugation that real kids do.

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Very effective child-sized definition of addiction and yes, I felt the sadness and the joy there. Willow’s memories, past closeness, present loss, and the final balance in being happy with what they have. 

I’m glad that this balance worked for you. I went into writing this bit trying to avoid being mean to Tara in QoH (though, since that update was from Willow’s POV, I’m not sure anyone else saw what happened as being mean to Tara). But I know it came off as sad to at least some readers, which really threw me at first.


KnightlyLove
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Okay, love your style. Smart but fluid and well-paced. I kind of feel like your writing is a compliment to my intelligence, since you're trusting me to figure out what the hell you're talking about.

Thank you very much. In my household, we yell at movies and TV shows for insulting our intelligence as viewers, so I’m glad that my writing comes off this way.

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Also, Willow's perspective + vocab and complicated phrases = yes. 

I’m an academic, so I really love doing this with Willow. It feels very natural to me, because this is how I my fiancé and I talk.

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I'm gonna be honest, the first one didn't really grab my attention.

Thanks muchly. A lot of feedback on the board is strictly positive, and that’s not what I’m after here. I want to know what works, but it’s also good to hear what doesn’t. I can see how, particularly if you don't know the original vignette, the first rewrite is, well, kinda dull. Mostly I was after some meta-humor.

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I also totally couldn't tell that this was season 4 filler, and I'm tempted to say that it in fact CAN'T be because of that line in Goodbye Iowa, "I hope you don't think that I just come over for the spells and everything. I mean, I really like just talking and hanging out with you and stuff."

This is true. I don’t know if you’ve read through all of Sass’s original vignettes, but she typically takes canon up until “Hush” and then goes whatever damn way she pleases with it. So yes, the “Totally a Date” doesn’t fit in a canon season 4, but then again, neither did the original.

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That last one was super bittersweet, heartbreaking almost.

You dont' say what about "Trade Off" made you feel this way, but I recommend the general response at the top of this post, and if you're still interested, in my response to Wayland at the end of my specific responses. If the things addressed aren't what you found so bittersweet/almost heartbreaking, I'd love to hear what it was.

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And the "Daddy" just totally surprised me every time.

Again, this is something I talk about in the general feedback.


Sadie
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I've just read "Queen of Hearts" in its entirety and couldn't stop reading your writing - so I ended up here... 

Aw, shucks. I’m super glad that you enjoyed Queen of Hearts enough to seek this out. I’m flattered.

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I just wanted to say it's been extremely awesome reading both your writing as well as the feedback explaining choices, questioning styles etc. It feels it's writing at a bit of a higher level than usual (absolutely no offence to other stories!!) and it just makes me think more about what goes into a story, really, from a writer's point of view. I am a (non-English) language graduate so I find words and styles extremely interesting but actual writing is a whole other piece of work! 

This is really where my academic training comes into play. Even though I'm a biologist, I had an amazing education in English, including a lot of analysis of style. I have a hard time coming up with my own plots (you may notice that so far, everything I write piggybacks on someone else's plot), but I automatically spend a lot of time thinking about the interaction of style and storytelling. While that is reflected in my writing itself, responding to feedback gives me a space to talk about everything that goes on in my head when I'm writing something.

Also, I am new to writing fiction; Queen of Hearts is my first piece of fiction since . . . um, I think possibly seventh grade. I'm currently 28. So, a long time. I'm learning along the way what all goes into making a story, and my native response to a new experience like this is to talk about it. At length. I'm always glad to hear that there are people besides me who find it interesting.

Oh: what language? I've taken Spanish, French, and Japanese, my ex-girlfriend was trying to teach me German, and my baby sister has her BA in English and Japanese and is getting her MFA in translation. Suffice it to say, even though I'm in science, I have a lot of interest and contact with the study of languages.

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While I do tend to notice other aspects of a story, aside from the obvious, grammar, spelling etc., I'm never quite able to explain these things in proper feedback like you do here. This feedback is actually a really good example of that, hehe. 

I've been having a conversation with Wayland and Ariel about the different types of feedback, and eventually want to sum it all up somewhere like the “art of leaving feedback” thread. If you're interested, my most recent comment on Wayland's “Donegal Street” (a story I really recommend, particularly if you were interested by the discussion of addiction in and surrounding “Trade Off”) goes into it a bit. If you’re interested in different types of feedback, I also recommend reading the feedback on JustSkipIt's “Waiting for Dani.” Not only is the story one of my favorites on the board (to the point where I've begged Deb to publish it as a book. Seriously Deb, I don't know if you read this, but on the off chance you do: pretty please?), but the discussion in the feedback is really great. It's a lovely example of how something as simple as a a tight-POV with a flawed narrator can influence how a story feels. I'm hoping that despite the whole “married with a job and children and you know, a life” thing that she manages to scrape the time together to do the sequel, which is planned to be from Willow's POV; I want to see not only what happens next, but to see where it is that Willow's experience was different enough from Tara's to merit discussion in flashbacks/memories.

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So anyway what I wanted to say is that it's just really refreshing to read your stories and feedback so I'll definitely be keeping an eye on your stories  Thanks for sharing!

This is a very repeated theme for me today here, but it fits: aw, shucks.


Zooeys_Bridge
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How on earth have I missed this series! This series is exactly why the KB is such a marvelous place. The interaction between writers, readers, and authors breeds such a creative and warm atmosphere, its really astounding. I love us! 

We are pretty fucking awesome. What I love about this series in particular is that we're starting to open up into a more critical discussion, talking about what works and what doesn't, which is extremely valuable feedback. They're small enough chunks that that sort of analysis isn't overwhelming, and since they're self-contained, there aren't concerns with how the plot flows from a previous update or where it's headed in the next chapter. They're complete, so you can see the whole.

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Brilliant beyond brilliant, BMD, I absolutely love everything about your rewrites, including the idea to do them in the first place.

I'd like to credit my fiance's college roommate (and our high school friend) Joe with introducing me to the idea of rewrites, Sass for having so many wonderful short pieces to work with, dlline for beta-ing Queen of Hearts for me and in the process making my writing so very much better, and everyone who's ever encouraged me for keeping my interest in writing up. Also, if you want, feel free to call me Kate.

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And they're so good which makes 'em even better. 

I feel like a broken record, but here we go again: aw, shucks.

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"Not a Date" is one of my favorite Sassette vignettes, its so honest and sweet and feels completely natural and you nailed Willow's perspective on the whole scene.

I'm particularly fond of “Not a Date” as well, and it lent itself very well to a rewrite. There are plenty of vignettes, as well as short fic by other authors, that I really love, but I don't see a good angle for rewriting. Like, the Rose/Tara vignettes are great, but since they play a role in a larger story, they aren't something I want to touch. The POV switch was a lot of fun, but also very natural to me, because of the way I write Queen of Hearts: I have to have both POVs in my head, but only put one of them on the page. I have plans for posting a POV-swapped rewrite of one of my QoH chapters here in the future. I know not everyone who reads these reads Queen of Hearts, so it may be kinda boring to some people, but that's okay, because later rewrites don't depend on people reading the entire series.

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Of course Willow wouldn't want to pressure Tara and so she allows Tara to set the pace. But as Sass pointed out, if Tara doesn't even know a=a, nothing can happen!

Not only am I a biologist, but my mom was before me. So growing up, I got a good background on how critical the underlying assumptions of any logical argument are. If not everyone discussing the argument have the same assumptions, it's natural that different conclusions will be reached. I really loved putting Willow in this box, where she was waiting for Tara to make the next move, while forgetting that Tara didn't know it was her turn.

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I love that its stressing Will out to the point where the only thing in the world she wants to do is hold Tara's hand.

Also, I love The Beatles, so a chance to mention a song of theirs was awesome.

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"She's with me," Willow informed the interloper, as she glared at him with a venom usually reserved for academic dishonesty.

Ha! Thats got to be one of my favorite Willow-plated comparisons that snuck in under the radar. Academic dishonesty! Oh man, it killed me, good job. 

This was my favorite line of the whole thing, so I'm glad someone liked it. It just seemed so apropos, you know? Huh, that rhymed. Plus lots of assonance.

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That’s why nothing has happened. Oops

Aaah, the eureka moment. Way to nail it, Will. I was really proud of Willow for reigning in the spastic and keeping calm when she recounted the date-like qualities of their past Friday nights.

Since I was keeping the dialogue and action from the original completely intact, credit for Willow's calmness goes to Sass. It was interesting to bring her through that conversation and to come up with how it was that those words and actions came to pass. I know this is like the gazillionth time I've pimped my own shit in my feedback to you, BUT: if you read QoH, you'll have seen me do this before when I write up scenes that actually happened on screen. If you don't, but are interested by this sort of thing anyway, chapter 4 part 2 has two scenes out of the show that feel different in writing than they did on the screen, and that I'm particularly proud of. And since it's a filler fic, the overall sense of what the fuck is going on shouldn't be too hard to figure out.

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Anyway, this series is truly inspired and I'm so excited to see discussion (from Sassette, too!  ) and replies. When I get home later, I can't wait to sit down and read the next one!!

I was pleased to see Sass jump in to the discussion, particularly when we got into the nuances of “x worked/didn't work for me.” I get her feedback via PM when I send the stories to her when I ask permission to post, but people seemed interested in what she had to say. Especially since there was controversy. Yay controversy!




Detailed "Daddy" and Addiction Discussion

This has been put together from a series of emails Wayland and I exchanged. Much of my general response at the top of this post was taken from this discussion.

Wayland
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The writing is lovely, the exchanges between Tara and Willow hit the perfect note of long-term intimacy, and I particularly liked the creaky stair. It’s a great image. 


Thanks for this. While my life *involves* a long-term relationship (Adam and I have been together on and off for 10.5 years now), I haven't had the chance to write about one outside of the rewrites. "Rewrites" was my first shot at writing about a long-term couple, and "Trade Off" was my second. So I'm very pleased that it worked. I was a little worried about the stair, because it felt like it was at the line of "enough information to be charming" and "too much detail just move the fuck on." People seemed to like it, though.


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I had the same ‘huh’ reaction as Laragh to ‘Daddy’. 

So, I really didn't put much thought into Willow's title. Mostly I did it because I thought it was different. Also, despite how she's portrayed throughout the later seasons, I still can't shake a slight tomboy feeling from Willow. Maybe it's how damn hot she looks in overalls. Maybe it's me projecting. But it's there.

So, much as I'd love to, I can't really say that I was doing anything interesting here with Willow's choice, because I wasn't. I was, I'm pretty sure, mostly just projecting. I don't want kids, and am currently engaged to a guy, BUT I think if I did want kids and I WAS with a woman, I'd totally want the male titles Cuz it'd be neat. (I did spend enough years believing I’d marry a woman that this isn’t totally off the cuff). Now, reality would probably not let me get away with that (my grandmother is wonderfully progressive--a male cousin and I can discuss the relative hotness of actresses in front of her--but I think that'd be a bit over the line for her, and my family's a bit of a matriarchy). Still, it'd be what I'd want.


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The mother/child bond is so mythologised in our society, that for a woman to choose another role felt unsettling. I realize that this is my conditioning showing through, and it surprised me. I do know that the roles of a mother and a father can be different, but they are not unequal.
 

While I agree that that bond is very much mythologised in our society, I think it would be a little less odd for Willow in particular to abandon it. I think a good dose of our societal impressions of the mother/child relationship come from Christianity, and the veneration of/respect for Mary. Though Willow grew up in a culture very much influenced by Christianity, she still grew up in a Jewish household. This is not to say, of course, that there is no appreciation of the mother/child relationship in Judaism; rather, that it hasn't been elevated to the same pedestal that it has been by Christians.

I'm also influenced, like everyone, by my own experiences. My parents had very different roles in my life and in raising me, but I never associated my dad's role in my life with him being male or my mom's role with her being female. They were different because they were different people, not because they were different sexes. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that in a lot of ways, I don't see what you call your parent important. Very "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."

Now, something I thought of SINCE I wrote this is that I see Willow's parents, particularly Shelia, as academic sociologists. Given that, I can see that Willow would be concerned that if she were to raise a son, that he would need someone to provide a social script for male behavior. Since (again, in my head) Willow grew up being friends with boys, she has a good sense of how little boys act, and can give him some guidance. Now, I know perfectly well that sons raised by lesbian parents do great (some studies show better than their peers), and I doubt that many choose the "father" nomenclature. But I do see it as something that would concern Willow. They have so much about their lives that isn't normal (I did slip in there that bit about apocalypses, so between that and the magic I hoped people got that this is still set in the Buffyverse) that she wants to give Joshua some semblance of normalcy, from teaching him to play baseball to learning about bugs. Again, something I sort of wish I'd thought of before I wrote this, so I could claim that there's actual meaning behind it . . . but I didn't. It's part of the story that happens between the text and me as a reader, not me as a writer.

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I think my reaction was magnified because in the story this is juxtaposed with the exclusion of Willow from a mother/child activity - not from choice, but as a consequence of addiction. Maybe if there was some detail of the Willow/Joshua bonding time it might have felt different to me? 


I guess that here what came across was not what was intended. I meant it to be clear that Willow didn't want to intrude on Tara/Joshua time. What they do together is something that Willow can't do anymore, but the time itself being private is different. So, if Willow still did magic, and they had Willow/Tara/Joshua magic time on say, Tuesday nights, then Sunday mornings would STILL be Tara/Joshua time, just like Wednesdays would STILL be Willow/Joshua time. So, what makes Willow not interfere is different from what makes her sad. What I was thinking about when I wrote it was the feeling I had when I watch my ex with her husband. She's happy with him, and that makes me happy; it's also hard, because she was the first person I ever loved, and I think some part of me will always be in love with her, so to see her with someone else, even when I'm with someone else, kinda hurts.

I was already really diverging from the original vignette when I wrote this, so I really wanted to stay in this moment, rather than drift to my concept of Willow/Joshua time. But for reference, Wednesday nights Willow is currently teaching Joshua to play catch, after which they curl up on the couch and watch Ghostbusters cartoons. Tara brings them popcorn and hot chocolate. I did actually know this at the time; my writing is very motivated by the iceberg theory; I hated reading Hemingway, but I like this idea. I'm certainly not as extreme as Hemingway in how much I omit, but I do have a detailed world that exists behind all of my writing above and beyond what BtVS shows us, both for QoH and for these vignettes. Obviously for the vignettes it's a much less detailed concept, but it's more than I show on the page.

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So now I can’t do magic any more, or I’d get so sick I wouldn’t be able to be around you and Mommy any more.

As I said, this made me sad, . . . 


Let me begin by saying that to me, that wasn't the important line. It was written as a build up to

“I’d rather have you and Mommy than be sick and have magic.”

The exchange for me was about the choice between power and happiness. Willow had a choice to make in season six, to pursue her magic and become more powerful or to give it up and to be with Tara. What forced her hand and made this into choice is a sad thing, but that's not what I wanted to write about. She chose Tara, and it brought her to this place in her life where she's happy. She can look back at that choice and believe she made the right one. For me, it's all about that moment where she looks at Joshua and Tara and smiles. As much as that moment seeing Joshua and Tara was a bittersweet one, when she looks at what she has, it resonates that it's the better thing. I feel like we can't usually see, when we make choices, about which one will be the best for us, but hindsight is 20/20. Willow's far enough away that she can see the road she's taken, and knows it's the right one for her.


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. . . as if Willow’s place in the family was tenuous and conditional. 

 
While that wasn't the point I was trying to make, the conditional-ness of relationships was an assumption I was making as I wrote. But I assume that about all relationships, not just theirs. All relationships, even when you're old and married, have deal-breakers. They’re usually extreme, and what those deal-breakers happen to be are very personal and totally depend on the individual; my father is a smoker and an alcoholic, and my mother stays with him, despite the fact she hates it and fears for his health, though if Adam took up either of these and I could not dissuade him, it would end our relationship.

I think that this situation includes Joshua means that the relation has extra conditions on it, because if Willow behaves in a way that would endanger him, Tara would have to take him away. None of this is something that either Tara or Willow fear; Willow has truly changed, and they wouldn't have adopted him if they weren't certain that she was stable. And they aren't worried about Willow being around Tara and Joshua doing magic; I was careful to include that it was Willow's idea that they do magic when Willow already wasn't around, because I wanted to give the sense that even though it's a bittersweet thing for her, that it's something she endorses. Kind of like, I want my ex to be happily married, even though she can't be married to me (because she's straight, not a because of legal things).


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Judaism strikes me as very matriarchal, but I do like your idea of Willow being influenced by her academic parents. (I can also imagine the children of such parents suffering in the school playground as a result.) The ‘daddy’ thing had a lot more impact for me in this story because, in my mind, it was tied to the addiction issue. As I said, my conditioning regards ‘daddy’ as a lesser role than ‘mummy’ so it emphasised my take on Willow’s role in the family being tenuous. My father was mostly absent, but my niece and nephew have my brother-in-law as their stay-at-home parent, so I expect their views will turn out to be very different.

I'm not Jewish. So, while my parents lived in New York for many years before I was born, and I've learned and read a lot about Jewish culture, I haven't lived it. That said, while I think that there is a lot of matriarchal power in Jewish culture, I think that Mary really gives Christian culture a particular view of the sanctity of the mother/child relationship. Now, I'm not Christian, either, and have spent much less time studying Christian culture, so I could be totally making that up.

In popular culture, I see a lot of talk about the idea of motherhood, and the bond that comes from having a child grow inside you, and how you fall in love with that little bundle of joy the instant you see it, yada yada yada, and I honestly never got that. I just don't. If I were to have kids, I'd be just as happy to adopt them. So that reverence that you mentioned in your original feedback is just something that, while I observe as happening in my culture, I don't understand. It's something I haven't internalized, so it's something that I can throw away on a whim because I think it's kinda cool.

The more and more I think about the idea of Willow's concerns being driven by an academic concern for wanting to provide her son with a male social script, the more I think it really fits her, and the more I wish I could say I had done it on purpose. I could make some argument that I've been writing this Willow since last August, and have really internalized who she is and how she thinks, and therefore it was natural write her based on that, but I think that's kind of a stretch.


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‘So now I can’t do magic any more, or I’d get so sick I wouldn’t be able to be around you and Mommy any more.’

For you that wasn’t the important line, but for me, it was heartbreaking.


When I say it isn't the important line, I don't mean that the sentiment isn't sad. And she could have stopped her story there, and the whole piece would have become a very sad story. But a lot of what I write is about putting happy things next to sad things and sexy things next to angsty things. I like the contrast. I also think that what Willow says here is very true. I think that you can stick any drug in for magic in that line and you get a true statement about addiction. Just pulling a random scary drug out of thin air, say, crack, I feel that it stays the same. Willow shouldn't do magic and be around Joshua and Tara any more than a crack addict should be doing crack and be around them. And when I say that it's not because I blame Willow for relapsing, or that I think it should mean that any separation should be permanent. It's that Willow+magic or human+crack is a dangerous combination, and that she shows her love for her family by keeping them away from that danger. 


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‘The exchange for me was about the choice between power and happiness.’

 
But it isn’t for me.  Addiction is powerlessness.  Someone on crack, alcohol, magic, whatever, may feel bullet-proof but the truth is, they have no power at all.  The drug is in control.  Accepting that powerlessness is the key to recovery.  The ‘power’ that Willow had was an illusion.  It took away everything that mattered to her.  Our readings of Willow’s relationship with magic are almost completely opposite. 

 
When I said that Willow made a choice between power and happiness, I didn't mean that addiction is, or things your addicted to give you, power. Because yes, to be addicted is to be powerless. BUT we're talking about a very special case here: in the Buffyverse, magic literally lets you manipulate the world around you. That's the power I was talking about, not the control over the self.

A quick caveat: I think this is where our different readings of Willow's story come into play. I think that BtVS is good art in that it holds up a mirror to reality, and what we see in that mirror depends on who's looking in it, à la The Mirror of Erised (why yes that was a Harry Potter reference. Dork points for me!)

I think Willow's journey is a story that encapsulates the adage "Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely." From the way Giles talks about his past as Ripper, to how he warns Willow when she first dabbles in magic, to the way Tara reacts to Dawn's idea to bring back Joyce . . . it all falls together for me more as a discussion of how power transforms you rather than addiction to a drug. I'm not saying that the addiction storyline isn't there (it very much is, particularly throughout season six), but you can be addicted to power. She ends up powerless in her addiction to power. It feels a lot like the line in "Conversations with Dead People" about Buffy having a superiority complex, and then an inferiority complex about the superiority complex. When I started to look at magic like that, the storyline fell together as a more cohesive thing to me, instead of just a series of metaphors for different things. Yes, those metaphors are still there, but that's in addition to the overarching story about Willow and how she deals with power. It reminds me more of how Stalin learned from Lenin, only to overthrow him.


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So, stripped of specifics, for me, in your story Willow is a woman who knows that she will lose her partner and child if her illness recurrs.  Hence the sadness I felt.  For Willow but also for Tara.  Relapse is a process, not an event.  It isn’t as simple as a choice.  It can be well in progress before the signs are evident.  So effectively both of them live on a precipice.  
 
Of course that’s a huge simplification.  There’s a massive grey area of personal responsibility. Not just in this scenario, but in any situation where an illness is triggered by behaviour.  Do we refuse sympathy (and medical care) to anyone who’s a smoker, obese, sexually irresponsible, off their meds, etc? 


I see this as a scenario with Willow knowing she will lose her partner and child if she FAILS TO ACT should her illness begin to recur. This feels just fine to me, because I will lose my partner if my illness recurs and I fail to act. Willow and Tara make a safety net, to make sure that she's still healthy, that she's still well. That net protects everyone, but its biggest role is to protect Joshua, who can't protect himself. 

They deliberately bring magic into their home. This isn't something you would do if magic were exactly like alcohol or heroin; you wouldn't shove it in the addict's face, and you wouldn't teach your young child to do it. In addition to being something precious for Tara to share with Joshua, it exposes Willow on a regular basis, so they can actually know where she is in terms of relapse. The present-day choice is not about her choosing to use magic or not, it's about her choosing to deal with relapse appropriately. Do they live on a precipice? Absolutely. But the one I envision isn't as scary as the one that you seem to; maybe it's because I think it's the precipice anyone with this sort of illness lives on every day, and so I'm inured to it. (Also, inured is one of my favorite words I learned studying for the GRE.)

So what I see at the end of the story is Willow looking back at a point in her past where she had two choices. They both had pros and cons. Magic came with the power to manipulate the world at the price of the powerlessness of addiction and no Tara. Coming clean came with Tara and the joy of love and eventual family at the price of that power. When she looks at what the "come clean" path has gained her, it's obvious that the one she chose was better. It brought her to a place that's amazing and beautiful. Additionally, she sees a chance to tell her son a story that will make him listen carefully when Tara teaches him about balance, because Willow knows that wonder he's feeling when he floats the apple. Willow has provided an environment where he can learn magic, and wants him to have the chance to experience it. But like all parents, she wants to warn him away from the dangerous parts of it so he doesn't repeat her mistakes.

Because I live with a mental illness and grew up around it, the fact that Willow has that daily upkeep of making sure that she's well, the strain of being around magic and not participating in it, is just background noise. All that grey area and personal responsibility is a given for me, just as much as the disposable-ness of the title mother over father is. I also imagine that she's gotten professional help to get to this point, either with the coven in England or somewhere else, that was able to help her deal with her addiction; I doubt a normal therapist would be able to do that. I assume that because to me that's how one deals with mental illness: seeking the appropriate medical attention.

Of course there are times when it's painful, times when she's bitter and times when she's tempted. But those weren't the things I thought about when I wrote. I was writing about the ability to look past all that, past the pain and cost of making the right choice, the fear that it's temporary, and to revel in the splendor of what you have. She has Tara and Joshua, and that makes everything worth it. 


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I’m not writing this to try and persuade you to my view, but to explain why my reading of your story was so different from your own.

And I feel like you do: just because I feel one way about the story doesn't make the way you see it and feel about it any less valid or less interesting. I'm really excited, in fact, that someone can look at what I wrote and see something so different than what I felt when I wrote it. It makes me feel like I'm doing a good job as a writer that I can create something that does that.


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If I picture Tara and Joshua visiting Willow while she was in witchy rehab, should that situation arise, then again, my reaction to the story changes.


This is totally what I picture. I mean, I was trying to give an explanation that would make sense to Joshua, and even though the rest was in my head, I didn't say it. So yes, if Willow relapsed, Tara and Joshua would still be a part of her life, as much as it was safe for them to do so. I just kind of take this for granted based on my personal experiences. I'm not saying there's no situation where Willow would get totally shut out of their lives, but it would be an extreme one, and that's not likely to happen. I was trying to show her temperament had changed to the point that even if she did relapse, the situation wouldn't be as grave as it was at the end of season six. (See how I got the word "grave" in there, and the title of the last episode of season six was . . . I think I'm very clever.)

-------->>>>Actually start reading from the top. Don't just scan to your name.<<<<--------

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 12:32 pm 
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Katie – Well this is one of those weird things where I see your signature every day many times a day and just never really catch that it’s a different story (or series or stories). So now here I am. And for another terrible confession – I’ve never really gotten into Sass’s Vignettes. I’ve read some of them but just never felt driven to pour through them or anything… Sorry, Sass. So for each of these, I read your version and then read hers (possibly). But I’m mostly thinking of them as your story (again, sorry, Sass).

Rewrites – I started to laugh when I read this because I remember that when I read the original I was very amused about the whole “why do people write Vignettes” thing. Anyway, I find the banter quite charming and believable. This seems “true” both in content and timing for the two of them.

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“That is not leading in a dinner-wards direction.”
Tee hee.

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“Fine, fine. But your neck is so mine tonight, missy.”
This slays me. I don’t know. I’m so used to hearing/reading “her ass is mine” or things like that. So “your neck is mine” sounds very funny. Perhaps if Willow was a vampire? Tee hee.

Anyway, it’s a good and fitting introduction to why you might want to do these rewrites.

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Does anyone know if AntigoneUnbound is around/contactable? Because I have an idea for one of these based on a scene in "On Second Thought."
If you haven’t found her yet, let me know and I’ll suggest y’all for FB friends or whatever.

Totally a Date -
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Rating: PG? Whatever rating is required for the implication of masturbation. Huh, I think I just made this heading a higher rating than the piece.
Awesome!

OMG. I very very love this piece. Just the entire idea of Willow who you know probably makes lists about Tara and about what they will do and where they will go and a list of probable topics of discussion. But she didn’t actually mention making these Friday nights dates dates.

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Because Willow did want to hold her hand. And stroke her hair. And kiss her lips. If it was a positive-valence tactile verb, there was a good chance she wanted to do it to some part of Tara.
I’ve seen the extensive discussion about this particular sentence and I have to say that it sounds very very Willow-like to me. In fact, I could quite imagine her saying this to Tara and some time later the two of them spending 4-7 hours later trying every positive-valence tactile verb on some part of Tara until she screamed…. Ok, now my fb will get a higher rating than your fic.

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"Hmph," Willow growled, her eye having caught the offender's form once more. How dare someone try to move in on my date when I'm still trying to move in on my date. "Not that I can really blame him for trying," Willow lied. "You're gorgeous, so--"

“You think I’m gorgeous?" Tara sputtered.

Willow turned back to Tara, unclear as to how she could have missed this. Is the square root of -1 i? "Yeah. I have eyes."
Too awesome. This is one of those things that is like, if you crash and burn, it will be painful and embarrassing but if it succeeds, you can just spend the rest of your life thanking G-d or Goddesses or whoever you would like to toss some gratitude toward.

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". . . and what kind of a jerk hits on a girl who’s already on a date?” Willow finished, ready to go over there and sock him if looked back toward them.


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hopeful that now the "this is a date" nonsense was cleared up, they could move to the hand holding.
Lol. Well another option would have been to ask in advance. Perhaps a little “so… do you want to see a movie Friday night? Like a date? Like with me?” that type question.

Totally adorable.

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I’m also in the middle of reading “Waiting for Dani" (which everyone should go read right now as soon as they’ve read my rewrite if they haven’t already read it) and the tight POV is brilliant and uncomfortable and maddening and have I mentioned that Deb is a fucking goddess?
Ok, now I feel like I’m hunting for Easter eggs or something. Like where can I stumble across you (as you say) pimping my favorite story. Or maybe my favorite story. It’s possible that Shadow and Sunlight is my favorite. Oh… I just don’t know. Anyway, thanks for the pimp.

Trade-Off – Oh the waking up. So cute and funny.

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Willow guessed it to be Officially Too Early.
This is a technique I’ve been finding more and more in contemporary literature and which I love – that naming something as a Proper Noun using capitalization. I generally find it wonderful and very notable and do so here as well.

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But it was Sunday. Sunday mornings were special. They gave Joshua private time to bond with Tara, just as Wednesday evenings were special Willow-Joshua bonding time.
Hmmm. That strikes me as a bit of a structured schedule for a 4 year old. I certainly know people who have traditions with their kids and I understand why Tara and Joshua have time alone to study magic but I’m not really sure why they need special Willow-Joshua bonding time. Not criticizing, just don’t get that. Did you put much thought into choosing the name Joshua? Joshua was one of the 12 spies for Israel and he became the leader of the Israelites after Moses passed. It’s an interesting choice for a mixed-religion couple who in a few paragraphs will eat both ham and bacon.

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*DING!* The familiar sound of the bread machine broke Willow from her reverie. Tara liked having fresh bread every day, but they were both too busy to make it themselves; they’d compromised with a high-end bread machine with a time-delay function. The familiar smell of fresh bread drew Willow’s attention away from her family and towards the kitchen.
Highly recommended! We have one and depending on the trends in our family may use it a few times a week to rarely. I’m on a gluten-reduced diet right now and my son is pretty much on a no-food-most-of-the-time diet but when we’re on bread, the machine is just wonderful.

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She laughed as she considered the menu: they neither kept kosher nor were vegetarians, despite their religious roots. After a certain number of apocalypses, food laws seemed unimportant.
You headed off my next thought just after the pass. As soon as I read it I was like, “They named their son Joshua but eat Traef?” I’ll take your out as valid but I’ll toss in a personal yuck.

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“Up, Daddy! Up!”


And

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(“A growing boy needs a Dad, Tara,”…
I’ll accept that Willow will say this and at the same time as a parents in a two-mom family, it’s about one of the most offensive things that anyone ever says to me. I’m like… really? And what the fuck is wrong with the 1/3 of boys growing up in this country in single-mother families (like I did)? I had to adopt both my children and for the first one we were able to go through the county advocate rather than a full-blown homestudy. The advocate seemed to have some very set predetermined ideas of sex-role stereotypes in same-sex couples so she kept saying “so you do the finances and you need reminders to pay your bills?” and were were like… “uh… I pay the bills because I like doing it and she’s perfectly responsible…” Anyway, so she finally says, “how will you make sure that your son has male influences?” which… #1 we already have the baby. My wife bore these kids and we would still be their parents whether I could adopt or not and #2 – the fact that we’re lesbians doesn’t mean we live in a bubble. We have friends who are men and family members who are men and neighbors and… ½ the world. I said we’re close with our brothers and his Godfather or something like that and she took it. Anyway, not to have totally derailed it. I’m glad that Willow picked a name that works for her. When I was choosing I wanted to have a title that made it clear that I’m their parent. I thought Daddy would be confusing to people and I felt like if they called me “Debra” that would confuse random people.

Anyway… to go on with the story… Willow’s answer to the question is very well done. Age-appropriate and honest without going into too much detail for a 4 year old.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 7:27 pm 
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7. Teeny Tinkerbell Light
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Katie – Well this is one of those weird things where I see your signature every day many times a day and just never really catch that it’s a different story (or series or stories). So now here I am.


Well, I'm glad that I mentioned these on IM, then; while I'm generally comfortable (and sufficiently vain) to tell random people “hey, I wrote this thing, you should read it, it's really good,” that confidence breaks down for people higher on the food chain than I am. Anyway, I'm particularly glad it came up since you got me the hook up to Mary. And, you know, since I value your opinion.


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But I’m mostly thinking of them as your story (again, sorry, Sass).


I have done my due diligence by publicly stating that they're not mine. And I mean, take “Trade Off.” Sure, it was modeled after a vignette, but it tells a very different story. But say, “Totally a Date” felt a lot more like writing QoH, where I had dialogue and actions and a setting that were set in stone, and the exercise was about interpreting the other half of that. I mean, really, after this much writing QoH, it wasn't much of an exercise at all. It was play.


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Rewrites – I started to laugh when I read this because I remember that when I read the original I was very amused about the whole “why do people write Vignettes” thing.


This is clearly because meta humor is awesome. 


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Anyway, I find the banter quite charming and believable. This seems “true” both in content and timing for the two of them.
.

This gives me warm fuzzies. Like I said to Clare, this was my first experience writing them as a long-term couple. Hell, as an official couple. So yeah, it's very good to hear that it worked.


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“Fine, fine. But your neck is so mine tonight, missy.”

This slays me. I don’t know. I’m so used to hearing/reading “her ass is mine” or things like that. So “your neck is mine” sounds very funny.


My neck is one of the places that makes me go all melty, so this felt very natural. Plus, Willow hadn't been attending to Tara's ass. ^_^ (That's a smiley face, remember?)


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Perhaps if Willow was a vampire? Tee hee.


Fat chance. Unless I decide I want practice writing about things that make me uncomfortable, you won't see this from me.


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Does anyone know if AntigoneUnbound is around/contactable? Because I have an idea for one of these based on a scene in "On Second Thought."

If you haven’t found her yet, let me know and I’ll suggest y’all for FB friends or whatever.


Thank you for this. Way to wave a magic wand and make my problem go away. (It feels like a fairy godmother joke should fit in here, but I'm not coming up with anything.) Anyway, the 'suddenly not a problem thing' reminded me a bit of when Diane said, “Oh, I didn't give you the Rosenberg Files stories? Here, have them. And the original “Rosenberg Files,” from before professional editing happened, because I think you'll find the difference interesting. And Head Trip.” Only this time, instead of staying up to all hours of the night reading, I was up writing, instead.


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Totally a Date -
OMG. I very very love this piece.

Squee, warm fuzzies.

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Just the entire idea of Willow who you know probably makes lists about Tara and about what they will do and where they will go and a list of probable topics of discussion. But she didn’t actually mention making these Friday nights dates dates.


This made me laugh, because I'm currently busy writing about Willow making a list.


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In fact, I could quite imagine her saying this to Tara and some time later the two of them spending 4-7 hours later trying every positive-valence tactile verb on some part of Tara until she screamed…. Ok, now my fb will get a higher rating than your fic.


Well, if I get around to making a short fic thread, this idea will definitely have to make an appearance. 


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Too awesome. This is one of those things that is like, if you crash and burn, it will be painful and embarrassing but if it succeeds, you can just spend the rest of your life thanking G-d or Goddesses or whoever you would like to toss some gratitude toward.


If she had randomly said this, than this would have been much more of a gamble. But Willow is on a date. So saying these perfectly obvious things about how totally fucking awesome and hot Tara is should feel rather natural to her. Of course, when she figures out that Tara wasn't on a date at this point, there will be some panicking. Hopefully by this point Tara will be in a position to apply some positive-valence verbs and calm Willow down. Or at least, to redirect her excitement.


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Lol. Well another option would have been to ask in advance. Perhaps a little “so… do you want to see a movie Friday night? Like a date? Like with me?” that type question. 

Totally adorable.


I've never actually been on a date with someone I wasn't in a long term relationship with. My two significant others were both people who started as friends, and then something else came out of it. So, the idea of asking someone on a date is really foreign to me. So the idea of taking someone on a date without actually saying the words “will you go on a date with me” makes perfect sense.


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I’m also in the middle of reading “Waiting for Dani" (which everyone should go read right now as soon as they’ve read my rewrite if they haven’t already read it) and the tight POV is brilliant and uncomfortable and maddening and have I mentioned that Deb is a fucking goddess?

Ok, now I feel like I’m hunting for Easter eggs or something. Like where can I stumble across you (as you say) pimping my favorite story. Or maybe my favorite story. It’s possible that Shadow and Sunlight is my favorite. Oh… I just don’t know. Anyway, thanks for the pimp.


This is the best one, so even if you stop your Easter egg hunt here, you'll have found the large chocolate bunny. If I recall correctly, I wrote this shortly after I got to the part of the story where the feedback was all “wait a second . . . this is all terribly, terribly wrong. Holy shit, this is a very different story than I thought it was.” And it hadn't gotten to the “well, this is the board, so Willow has to come back, and how the fuck are you going to make that okay? Like, you're you, so I trust you to get us there, but . . . seriously, how's that gonna work?” discussion yet, or at least I hadn't read any feedback saying that yet, so it was in this glorious space where everything was like “aaa!!” I re-read this paragraph, and I realize that it should make perfect sense if you know the story and even glanced at the feedback, but will probably look like gibberish to anyone who hasn't.

But it's confession time for me. I haven't read “Shadow and Sunlight.” And I won't. I read your disclaimer on it, tentatively read . . . I think it was two or three paragraphs in, and was like “yup, Willow's a vampire. I'm-a believe her on that disclaimer and put this down now.” I'm quite sure you have the capacity to write Willow and/or Tara doing really fucked up, amoral shit as vampires. And I'm sure it's beautifully written. But blood play makes me all squicky, so I avoid vampire stories. (I know I mentioned “Van Rosenberg” as one of my favorites, but I had to be convinced to go near it.)


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Trade-Off 
This is a technique I’ve been finding more and more in contemporary literature and which I love – that naming something as a Proper Noun using capitalization. I generally find it wonderful and very notable and do so here as well.


I really like this trick; it makes an appearance on about page five of my next project, partly because I loved how it worked here. It makes the point so efficiently. I mean, I'm a very, very wordy person, but I still appreciate efficient communication. I'm just bad at it. 


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But it was Sunday. Sunday mornings were special. They gave Joshua private time to bond with Tara, just as Wednesday evenings were special Willow-Joshua bonding time.

Hmmm. That strikes me as a bit of a structured schedule for a 4 year old. I certainly know people who have traditions with their kids and I understand why Tara and Joshua have time alone to study magic but I’m not really sure why they need special Willow-Joshua bonding time. Not criticizing, just don’t get that.


First, let me tack on the disclaimer that I don't have kids, don't want kids, and really know very little about the lives of children this age. One thing I do know is that plenty of four-year-old kids go to preschool. Joshua doesn't. So, having two two-hour time blocks in his week explicitly laid out doesn't seem unreasonable or particularly structured to me.

But the underlying reasoning for this time is sad, twofold, and never came up before now. First, Willow's concerned that she or Tara will die from Scooby-related activities; in fact, they never go on Scooby duty together anymore in case something happens. So, she wants Joshua to have a solid relationship with both of them individually instead of just the two of them as a unit. She's also afraid that if she doesn't set aside time to hang out with Joshua, that she'll follow her parents' lead and get so involved in her own life that she'll just kind of forget to spend quality time with her kid. The fear is probably irrational, but she feels it.


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Did you put much thought into choosing the name Joshua? Joshua was one of the 12 spies for Israel and he became the leader of the Israelites after Moses passed. It’s an interesting choice for a mixed-religion couple who in a few paragraphs will eat both ham and bacon.


I picked the name because my future brother-in-law is named Joshua, and he's Jewish. Now, I did know that it was a solid Jewish name, though if you'd asked me without providing me with the answer like you did here or Wikipedia, I would have guessed he was one of the founders of the twelve tribes. But the choice fits with my perception of Willow as someone who maintains her cultural connection to Judaism while questioning if not abandoning her faith. I know that I'm influenced by the fact that my parents were friends with a lot of secular Jews in New York (though my Mom also had me read Potok's books, since a) she was fascinated by them and b) Hasidism is also prevalent in New York). There was a line in an episode of “House” that basically went, “There are plenty of atheist Jews. It's about community.” The line encompasses not only what I grew up hearing about but also why Israel is so damned suspicious of American Jews.


Willow and Tara having a nice bread machine was me living vicariously; at the moment, I make bread by hand. Without a standing mixer. My new Kitchen-Aid hand mixer has dough hooks, at least! Though, in my new kitchen, I don't have room for either a standing mixer OR a dedicated bread machine. Or, you know, to fucking prepare food. Stupid tiny kitchen.


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She laughed as she considered the menu: they neither kept kosher nor were vegetarians, despite their religious roots. After a certain number of apocalypses, food laws seemed unimportant.

You headed off my next thought just after the pass. As soon as I read it I was like, “They named their son Joshua but eat Traef?” I’ll take your out as valid but I’ll toss in a personal yuck.


I through these lines in because I knew it was weird. I've never met anyone who keeps kosher, and the people I know don't eat pork don't exclude it for religious reasons. Wait, no, I know some Muslim people who exclude it for religious reasons. But anyway, I grew up in Iowa. How can you not eat pork? It's delicious!


Quote:
Quote:
(“A growing boy needs a Dad, Tara,”…

I’ll accept that Willow will say this and at the same time as a parents in a two-mom family, it’s about one of the most offensive things that anyone ever says to me.


I live in such an isolated, liberal world that the idea of anyone saying this seriously simply befuddles me. The idea that anyone has said that to you, or any other parent, is damned insulting. Willow says this basically in jest—I mean, her argument to Tara is basically that Tara has a nice rack and that it'll be amusing to fuck with Joshua's teachers, and Tara responds by laughing. The crap you went through (which blows, by the way), is so distant from the situation that they're in that the idea is absurd. Like I said, it's believable that Willow is short-sighted enough and isolated enough to fear that Joshua needs some local demonstration of male social scripts. But that's just Willow being Willow.


Quote:
Anyway… to go on with the story… Willow’s answer to the question is very well done. Age-appropriate and honest without going into too much detail for a 4 year old.


I'm so happy to hear this from you and other parents, because, like I said, I don't have kids. I was, um, nine when my youngest sister was four. I don't have a solid grasp of what she could handle intellectually. Mostly I remember that she decided that she was queen of the world, and that it was the most offensive thing in the world to call her “cute” (despite the fact that she was really adorable). But I did think that the idea of having too much of a good thing was a concept he'd be able to grasp with a little cinematic tweaking, and that eating something delicious until you throw up is something children are likely to do. 


I love that that was a thousand words longer than the rewrite I just did.
 



Author: BeMyDeputy (Kate)
Rating: PG
Original Piece: Part of two of On Second Thought (The scene at the Bronze.)
Acknowledgments: Thanks to AntigoneUnbound for permission to post this. Thanks to JustSkiptIt for putting me in contact with AntigoneUnbound so I could ask permission. 

Notes (revised): Okay, wow, that filler note did a terrible job. My bad. It's gone now. First, this is the first time I've done a single scene from a larger piece, but it's not that this is going to have more to it. As in, all the other rewrites were of complete things, and this is just a rewrite of this one thing. Second, this is like "Totally A Date" in that what happens is already taken directly from the original piece: everything here that happens (at least, that's observable from across the room) was written in the original. Which you should know. Because you should read OST. For serious reals.



Flattery Series #4: The Hell in Between
Tara got the distinct impression that Chris believed they were on a date. The problem with that, of course, was that Tara was sure that she was not on a date. 

How could she be?

The whole group had been invited, but everyone else had decided to splinter off after dinner. This seemed to delight Chris to no end. Ten months ago, Tara would have been thrilled to be on a date like this; Chris was funny, kind, and extremely attractive. So yes, ten months ago Tara would have considered herself lucky to be here. 

Ten weeks ago she would have politely declined, eager to get back to her dorm room and call Willow. 

Ten days ago . . . ten days ago was the problem. 

Ten days ago Tara had had her heart ripped out. 

She had seen it was coming. She had dreaded that day from the first time she held Willow. Tara knew early on that she would fall for Willow. How could she not? Willow was far and away the most amazing person Tara had ever known, not to mention the most attractive person she'd ever laid eyes on. So she knew from the start that she would find herself in love with Willow.  Just as surely as she knew Oz would come back and ask for another chance. 

How could he not?

How could anyone not love Willow? How could anyone not move heaven and earth for the chance to be with her? The idea was unfathomable. 

Tara had known he would return. Had known he would take Willow away, for she saw how the lack of resolution had bothered Willow. But in the meantime, she had pressed forward. Tara saw the sword of Damocles, but she didn't care. She stepped under it anyway.

She had a chance to love Willow. 

Tara had only prayed that Oz wouldn't return before her birthday.

Tara had known it was coming, but that didn't stop her misery. It didn't soothe the ache of loss. It had, in fact, gained her nothing. She still needed a heart to live. 

Suddenly there was a hand on her arm. Chris was saying something, though Tara had no idea what it was. She smiled at her anyway as she focused on the evening's goal: to not be miserable. For a few hours at least. She took a sip of her drink and tried to relax as they walked towards a table. 

It was impossible, of course. 

Tara's mind drifted back to her afternoon coffee date. Willow had pointedly informed her that Oz was gone for the weekend. Tara had been torn. On the one hand, the chance to spend the weekend alone with Willow was extraordinarily appealing. On the other, it was extraordinarily dangerous; it took all her willpower during these public meetings not to just grab Willow and kiss her senseless. In private, she would surely lose the ability to stop herself from ripping off Willow's clothes. Tara idly wondered if Willow would even stop her.  

Why had Willow even brought it up? To torture her? To test her restraint? Willow knew perfectly well how much Tara wanted her. Tara shook her head. She knew Willow intended no such thing. 

Why did she have to say she loves me? The declaration had made things so much harder. She appreciated it was offered in comfort, to let her know she had done nothing wrong. But by emphasizing that Tara was not to blame for Willow's choice, she had only underscored how helpless Tara was.

Once Tara finished her Shirley Temple, Chris extended her hand and asked if she wanted to dance. Tara nodded, hoping that dancing could keep her mind off Willow. 

It couldn't, of course. 

Dancing reminded Tara of Willow. The first time she had been here at the Bronze, it was when Willow had invited her to go dancing. It was the most date-like thing they ever did.  Then they got side-tracked by Faith masquerading as Buffy, so they never actually got to the dancing part of the evening. 

That night was the hardest, by far. Thanks to the spell, Tara got to watch Willow come. It was the most beautiful thing Tara had ever seen. Once Willow was safely back in her body, all Tara could think about was doing whatever it took to make that happen again and again. 

But Willow hadn't been ready. So they waited. 

Tara danced in front of Chris, but her mind was with Willow. Tara left a hand on her belly as she let the music wash over her, but all she could think about was what it would be like to dance wrapped around Willow, her hand lightly resting on Willow's stomach instead. When she reached up to push her hair back, all she wanted was for Willow to kiss the exposed skin. 

But that would never happen. 

After about an hour of fast dancing, Chris got them new drinks and they sat and talked. Tara tried to keep her mind on the conversation, something about their upcoming paper for class. Had it not been for another one of their classmates mentioning it over dinner, Tara would have been lost; she had completely forgotten about the assignment. Something had distracted her. 

They had been sitting for about ten minutes when Chris took Tara's hand and nodded toward the dance floor questioningly. Tara paused, unsure of what made Chris interested in dancing again. Finally, she registered that the music had changed: it was a slow song. Tara hesitated; she didn't want to lead the girl on. Still, the purpose of the evening was to be out of her room, and there was no point to that if she wasn't actually going to do anything. 

When they got to the dance floor, Chris took Tara's waist and Tara looped her arms around Chris' neck. They stood closer than they had during the fast songs, but Tara didn't let them get close enough to press into each other. 

"I hope you're having a good time."

"I am," Tara fibbed. "And you? Are you having a good time?"

Chris smiled. "Very. Better now that I know you're enjoying yourself."

Tara offered a weak smile in return. This wasn't so bad, really. The dancing was nice, and it felt good to be found desirable. 

"You're really very beautiful, Tara."

Before she could respond,  Tara's brow furrowed as she was filled with a sense of foreboding. Something was wrong. Something above and beyond the fact that someone had called her beautiful, someone who wasn't--

Willow. 

Willow was here. 

Willow was here watching her with Chris. 

It was making Willow cry. 

Tara stepped back, the other woman suddenly anathema in her arms. She looked on helplessly as tears poured down Willow's cheeks, grief in her eyes. Tara could only stare as the woman she loved suddenly turned and ran from her. The sight made her feel sick. 

Willow, who had chosen this path for them, was jealous? Willow, who at least had her old lover's arms to fall into at the end of the night. Willow, who was getting laid through all this. 

In that moment, something broke. 

Tara couldn't take it any more. She had tried so hard to be Willow's friend, but she couldn't do it. Not if their friendship was to be full of jealousy and sadness. That was no friendship. 

If they couldn't be lovers, they had to be strangers. Tara couldn't bear to be anything in between. Maybe in a year or two, when the wounds had healed. Only, Tara didn't have that much time. 

Tara moved to follow Willow, but a hand caught her arm. Chris. That's right, she was here with Chris. Even though Willow hadn't left her thoughts for an instant. 

"Tara?" Chris looked at her, clearly confused and perhaps a little angry.

"I'm sorry. I r-really am. But I have to go."

"But, Tara--"

"Now. I really am sorry. I'll s-see you in class."

Tara bolted after Willow, but didn't see her outside the door. She ran as fast as she could towards Stevenson, hoping that they would both make the trip safely. She had to have a chance to explain, to tell Willow that Chris was just a friend. To say that there was nothing to be jealous over, because Tara was still in love with her. Only wanted to be with her. But above all, to tell Willow that one way or another, things had to change. 

She prayed that this time, Willow would choose differently. 

_________________
More of a dog person, myself.
I'm from Iowa, we drive four hours for a high school football game.
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Last edited by BeMyDeputy on Sun Jun 26, 2011 12:26 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series
PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 8:34 pm 
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11. Fish in the Bowl

Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 2:35 pm
Posts: 1487
Topics: 2
Location: California
DIBS!

Hi Kate,

Very different kind of piece. Strangely, I ended up feeling sorry for Chris. She's got a lot of good qualities, has fallen for Tara (and who can blame her for that) and is stuck in the position of being a stand-in for Willow. I don't blame Tara either, it was a group outing that splintered, but I'm mostly left feeling sorry for Chris and also feeling sorry for Tara and somewhat for Willow, although she is the one that created the pain for them both.

The repetition of 10 months, 10 weeks, 10 days is powerful - totally works! So is "how could she not"? and "how could he not"? Almost sounds like a death knell.

The writing is more spare than your usual style and I admit I'm pretty impressed with your versatility! :clap :applause :clap

I see Tara's courage in drawing a line and I'm intrigued to see if she can find Willow soon and how their confrontation will go.

What can I say? Keep writing! :kgeek :kgeek :kgeek

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother


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 Post subject: Re: The Sincerest Form of Flattery: A Series (#4 posted 6/17
PostPosted: Fri Jun 24, 2011 10:05 am 
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4. Extra Flamey

Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2010 3:02 pm
Posts: 220
Location: England
On Second Thought is one of my favourite stories on the board. I think that inspiring readers to reimagine scenes is the mark of a good story.

I have a few thoughts on The Hell in Between. (Good title, breaking in-between into two words is more interesting, don’t know if you intended that, but it’s good.)

I like the way you’ve structured the story – the pattern of recurring short one sentence paragraphs. It creates a rhythm which draws the reader in and gives notice that the scene is building to a dramatic climax.

Tying in Tara’s denial in the face of Oz’s inevitable return with her upcoming birthday makes sense. She’s living in the day because she sees no future.

I would say ‘to delight Chris no end’ without the ‘to’, but that could be a British thing.

Quote:
But by emphasizing that Tara was not to blame for Willow's choice, she had only underscored how helpless Tara was.

This is a good insight. She has no power at all in the situation, except to stop seeing Willow. It makes her reaction seem less passive than it first appears. She can’t fight for Willow’s love, because she has it. That doesn’t give her much scope for action. It isn’t in Tara’s nature to try and convince Willow that Oz is a poorer choice, especially when she feels she has no future to offer Willow.

Quote:
Thanks to the spell, Tara got to watch Willow come.

This line feels awkward to me. Assuming this was one of the most beautiful and exciting sights of Tara’s life, I think it deserved a longer, more elegant sentence. Perhaps some description? I know that your Tara is quite different from others on the board – more confident and more direct (in private), but still, I think, just as romantic.

Quote:
Something above and beyond the fact that someone had called her beautiful, someone who wasn't--
Willow.
Willow was here.

This is a really clever transition.

Quote:
Willow, who was getting laid through all this.

This seemed out of character to me at first. I felt that because Tara is in love with Willow and because she believes that Oz loves her too, she would take a more romantic view of their relationship. (And from pride too – being rejected for a mundane sexual fling would hurt more.) On second thought, the next line,
Quote:
In that moment, something broke.
is actually demonstrated by the uncharacteristically bitter comment. She can’t take any more.

Clare

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