Laragh: Yay dibs!
The sequel's already being worked on if that makes it better (and with smut!
) Lol, if I was that doctor and some patient I thought was going to die walked in I'd be a little flabbergasted, but I'm sure that was his mental dialogue
Lol, you say you hate the angst, but you stabbed Tara one and now you've shot Willow so I'll believe it when I see it
(but it's good either way, so of course I'll stick with you no matter what!) Hospital scenes are hard because it's either just a bunch of sitting, or it's long conversations - better to just get back to it when something's going on is what I figure!
Very true! I actually wrote the afterlife too (and with smut!), but it got removed from the board because they were dead... and it occurs to me now that I never put it up on ff.net...
I hope you like the last chapter! I'm glad you read this one in spite of the angst! I love you feedback so much
Finey_McFine: There's going to be a sequel! I hope that helps
I'm glad you liked it! Why drag out the hospital when they could be getting back to the good stuff? I hope you like the last chapter!
LonelyTara: Thank you Robin!
Magic is helpful and it's a pretty fun plot device to play with! I really appreciate the help you're always giving me! You're awesome!
Note: Okay, so this is the last one, but it's also the longest chapter of the story if that makes it better
Also, the sequel is already being written, so hopefully I'll have something ready soon... As always, I cannot say how much I appreciate everyone's feedback. This has been one of my favorite stories to write and share, so I'm grateful to everyone who has read it and especially grateful to Robin. Without you, this wouldn't have been nearly as good! Thank you, my friend!
Chapter 11 of 11
I want to see you as you are now
Every single day that I am living
Willow mumbled and cursed in frustration as she tried to juggle the different things she had cooking on the stove. Tara had been sent home from the hospital after a week and Willow had taken the doctor's warning about bed rest to heart and was attempting to take care of as many household tasks as she could, determined to keep Tara resting.
A pot boiled over and she pulled it off the eye of the stove, barely managing to keep from burning herself. A quiet giggle behind her had her glaring over her shoulder. "Something funny?" she questioned, unable to hide her sarcasm.
Tara hid a smile behind her good hand, her injured side still in a sling. "You're unbelievably sweet to be doing this…"
"
Trying to do this," Willow corrected her, eyes back on her attempt at cooking. "And you're weren't supposed to see me screw it up since you're supposed to be on the couch."
Tara laughed, stepping closer and leaning in to look over her shoulder at the pots and pans on the stove. "It all looks good to me," she said, scratching Willow's back soothingly.
Willow gave her another look over her shoulder, though she was smiling even as she narrowed her eyes at her lover. "Liar," she accused. "You couldn't sleep?" she changed the subject, clicking off the heat with a frustrated sigh.
Tara shook her head, resting her chin on Willow's shoulder. "No. I think nine hours a day might be my limit."
The redhead huffed, not satisfied. "Well, at least is your arm feeling okay?"
"Yes," Tara assured her. "I took my medicine with breakfast just like you told me to."
"Good. That's good," Willow said, leaning her head against Tara's. "You think I'm going overboard with all of this, don't you?"
"I think it's cute," Tara denied. "And sweet, the way you take care of me."
"'Cute' and 'sweet,'" Willow repeated dully.
"The attempt at cooking is cute," Tara clarified. "And it's all
very sweet."
The redhead laughed shortly, reaching behind her head with her free arm to stroke her fingers through blonde hair. "I guess 'sweet' is better than nothing," she conceded. There was a moment of hesitation and she cleared her throat. "I had an idea that I wanted to talk to you about."
Tara nodded, turning her head to kiss Willow's neck. "Okay."
"I want to heal your arm," Willow said, voice still hesitant. "I know I can do it, Tara. And I need to help you."
Tara leaned her head back into Willow's hand. "It's healing alright."
"I know that," Willow said. "But we're down a witch, and you're in pain."
Tara pursed her lips, her fingers finding Willow's on the back of her head. "It'll heal on its own."
Willow gave a nod, swallowing thickly. "I know that," she said again. "And from a certain point of view, this might look like a selfish thing, but you are an important part of the Scooby club, and if you're not able to perform, someone could get hurt." She stopped, grumbling under her breath as she turned in Tara's arms to face her. "But I know I should just wait and let it heal on its own." She gave the blonde an apologetic look up through her eyelashes. "I just hate that you're in pain, Tara. I want to do whatever I can do to help you."
Tara smiled without speaking and Willow continued, "Okay, I didn't really think you'd go for that, but I have something else in mind too."
The blonde arched an eyebrow at her, intrigued as Willow smiled. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah," Willow agreed, obviously pleased with herself. "I kind of figured that healing your arm might be a no-go, but I don't think you'll have anything to shoot me down on this one…"
"Willow," Tara interjected, two fingers on her lover's lips to quiet her. "I wasn't trying to shoot you down. You know that."
Willow nodded behind the fingers, her own hand rising to lower Tara's hand. "I know. I just want to help you so bad, but I know that I just have to be patient and let nature do its thing." She tried a hopeful grin. "This really smart woman has been teaching me about stuff liked that."
Tara blushed, smiling crookedly. "If she's so smart, I hope she's hanging onto you. Letting you get away would be a mistake."
Willow stuck the tip of her tongue out between her teeth and she lifted Tara's left hand to her lips, kissing the back of her hand and playing with the diamond ring. "She agreed to marry me, so I'd say she's
very smart. And did I mention gorgeous?"
"Mmh, not in the last hour or two," Tara teased.
Willow caught herself leaning in for a kiss, blinking. "Okay, so, about my idea… I want to take you away from Sunnydale, from the Hellmouth. I mean, we've all been kind of
tense around here lately and I just want to be alone with you, Tara. It'll be safer, less risk of your arm getting hurt again…"
"Okay," Tara interjected with a laugh. "You've convinced me, sweetie. We can take a break." Willow blinked, looking panicked and Tara shook her head. "Not a break like
that," she clarified patiently. "We really are too stressed if you think I'm leaving you."
The redhead took a deep breath, hugging her tightly before remembering the blonde's injured side and she tried to pull back, but Tara wouldn't let her go. "It's fine," the blonde murmured reassuringly. "How about this lunch you made?"
Willow snorted, wrinkling her nose. "You might be better off sending me out to pick up some take out, honestly."
"Nonsense," Tara chided her. "You made it for me."
Willow lifted both hands, miming brushing her hands off. "I've officially warned you." She gave her a pecking kiss. "I promise to apologize profusely
and hold your hair back if it ends up making you sick."
Tara gave her a stern look that melted into a crooked smile, patting her cheek gently. "You just need to have a little more faith in yourself, Willow." She punctuated the statement with a quick kiss on the cheek.
"I have faith in myself," Willow objected. "I just can't cook to save my life."
Tara squeezed her arm gently, laughing softly. "Lucky for all of us that cooking is so very rarely life-threatening."
Willow lifted a spoon from her pot, watching watery sauce drip from it forlornly and leaning her head to look closer at it. "The results might be."
"Hush," Tara directed, digging nails into her arm again. "Now, I want to eat the lunch that my beautiful, sweetheart fiancée made for me."
Willow served her up a plate, making sure the portions were as little as she could make them. She wasn't honestly concerned about making Tara sick, but rather was afraid that it would simply taste awful and the almost too kind-hearted blonde would eat it out of her incredibly strong sense of loyalty.
"If it's nasty, just tell me and I'll make you something else. I think there're some corndogs in the freezer," Willow offered. "It won't hurt my feelings, I swear."
Tara smiled around a bite, choking back a cough. She had to hold her plate back as Willow tried to take it away, the redhead pouting in disappointment. "Just a little too much salt," Tara said honestly. "Not bad." Her voice was hoarse and she coughed again.
Willow got out of her seat without speaking, returning to the table with a glass of water. "Sorry," she said morosely.
Tara put down the cup after taking a long sip. "Nuh-uh," she said. "You know the rule." She tapped her lips twice. Willow's next sigh was an attempt at long-suffering though her lips were curling up at the corners, unable to stop a smile. "It just might be a little salty," Tara teased, catching Willow's neck as the redhead tried to pull back. "I don't think so," she said. "You owe me a kiss and I intend to collect."
"I don't know about that," Willow responded. "You pick on me, I don't know if you should get any kisses!"
"Aww, she was gunshot," Buffy chimed in as she arrived and cut through the dining room to get to the kitchen. "Give her some kisses!" She picked over the food at the stove, serving herself some lunch and taking a seat at the table with them. The Slayer dug into the meal without appearing to notice any overabundance of salt and the witches exchanged amused looks, knowing that Buffy would eat pretty much anything.
Willow leaned forward and kissed her fiancée, taking her best friend's advice. Teasing or no, there was really nothing that would keep her from kissing Tara. Especially not when she considered the alternative. So much could have gone wrong that day, a fate she didn't even want to consider. She'd had nightmares about it, Tara dead and herself completely out of control. She always woke up in a cold sweat, breathing hard. She never resisted kissing Tara then, heedless of the fact that the blonde was normally still sleeping. Tara would wake up and, knowing what had happened, would comfort her instinctually, the trembling and sweating so reminiscent of Willow's struggles during the worst of her withdrawal.
Some nights it felt like they might never get another peaceful sleep again, but that was part of what had prompted Willow's idea to take a vacation, get a break from the Hellmouth and the stress that came along with living on it. Now though, in the dining room, surrounded by daylight and with Tara right in front of her, kissing her, it drove the nightmares away. She couldn't be the person in those dreams if Tara was alive. She wouldn't let it happen. And she'd done nothing the last few months if not prove how formidable her will was. Without her though, she feared there was nothing that would be able to control her, stop her from becoming the nightmare creature from her dreams.
Buffy's plate scraped on the table as she pushed it back, several long swallows finishing off her drink. Willow and Tara separated slowly, and the blonde could see something in Willow's eyes. She didn't ask and Willow stared at Buffy for a long moment, blinking slowly. She wasn't sure that even Buffy would be able to kill the monster from her nighttime terrors. And if she had ever become that, that's what she hoped would happen, that the Slayer would take her down, destroy her utterly. That thing she'd been dreaming about wanted to die, wanted everyone to die with her.
"Will, you okay?" Buffy's voice made her jump, suddenly realizing where she was. It wasn't dark,
she wasn't dark, and she didn't want to die.
She shook her head, sending her hair falling in her face. "What's wrong?" Tara questioned, exchanging looks with the Slayer.
"Oh, no, I mean, I'm fine," Willow stammered. "I was just thinking."
Tara leaned forward, pressing her lips against Willow's forehead and lingering there. She took a deep breath, feeling Willow reach out to her. She deliberately didn't look too closely, not wanting to use their connection to invade her lover's private thoughts. Something was troubling her and it was plain and on the surface of her mind, but she didn't search out the cause, sure that Willow would come to her when she was ready to share.
Willow's eyes were closed and her fingers found Tara's and curled them together. Tara's life burned as hot as it ever had, white and light and warm inside her. Touching it soothed her, made her own life feel better, more important. Tara made her feel wonderful, like she was special, even when she wasn't doing anything to feel particularly wonderful about. A simple smile from Tara started her heart racing and any fleeting thought of her brought a smile to her lips.
"There's nothing like being in love." She was surprised to realize that she'd whispered it aloud, Tara's blush warm against her skin. "Oh, um…" Her eyes glanced sideways at where Buffy was sitting, the Slayer doing her best to ignore them.
"It's fine, Will. I remember the feeling," Buffy commented without looking at them. She pushed herself to her feet, one hand rubbing at the opposite shoulder. "I think I'll go up on the roof and clean the gutters." In her ongoing effort to resist Spike, the Slayer had taken to training harder than ever, as well as doing anything else she could think of to keep herself busy. She didn't speak again, dragging her feet toward the basement to collect a ladder she didn't need, but that she needed the neighbors to see to avoid suspicion.
Willow groaned as her best friend departed, dropping her head into one hand. "And up till then the day'd been going so
well," she commented bitterly.
"What you said was sweet," Tara pointed out. "Buffy's just going through a rough time lately."
"Which is my fault," Willow countered.
Tara sighed, not sure how to respond to that. "Will…" She kissed the back of a freckled hand. "Have I ever told you how much I love your name?" The redhead gave her a confused look, though she couldn't help smiling. "It's just so perfectly
you and I love it. I love everything about you," she said, taking another bite of her lunch.
Willow swallowed thickly and cleared her throat before she spoke. "It's unbelievably sweet of you to say, but what brought it up?"
Tara shrugged. "I didn't know if I'd ever told you how much I love your name, and you said something unbelievably sweet yourself so I wanted you to know." She gave her a crooked smile. "Willow."
"I never liked my name until you said it," the redhead confessed. "It never sounds the same coming from anyone else." She blushed. "Even when I liked Xander, he never said my name the way you do. I was always 'Will' or 'Willster,' some kind of nickname. With you I'm just 'Willow.'"
"I call you 'Will,'" Tara pointed out with the same small, crooked smile on her face.
"I know that," Willow agreed. "But even when you do, I'm still your Willow."
Tara gave her a look. "Do you not like 'Will?'" she asked.
"No, I do! But not nearly as much as I love being Willow. Your Willow." The redhead's face was nearly as bright as her hair and she ducked her face.
The move was so reminiscent of how she'd always been, before Willow, that Tara couldn't resist lifting her fiancée's chin with two fingers. "You
are my Willow," she whispered, biting her lip.
Willow kissed her, couldn't help herself and didn't want to. The kiss was slow, gentle and soft. She kept coming back for more short kisses. "Even with my bad cooking, you taste good," she groaned. She dragged herself away with an effort, covering her lips with one hand. "Too good. You need to eat."
Tara was out of breath, had been getting winded more easily since getting out of the hospital. "And you need to tell me about our vacation. Where are we going?"
"Anywhere you want, Tara," Willow promised instantly. "Just name it."
"Well, I know you too well not to think you didn't have a plan," Tara said, laughing. "What have you got in mind?"
Willow shrugged, sticking her tongue through her teeth. "Okay, well, it's almost summer, you know, but I have a freckling issue and your skin is perfect, so I was thinking that this time we might avoid the beach and try for somewhere a little more temperate. Colorado? Washington? Canada? Alaska? Something like that? Not necessarily somewhere
cold but cooler would be nice."
"Sounds great to me," Tara agreed. "And it's not like we don't live near the beach."
Willow smiled, her eyes tired. "Good. Not that I'm not eager to see you in a bikini, of course."
Tara gave her a look as she resumed eating her lunch. "I'm sure they have hot tubs in any of those places." Willow's smile didn't quite reach her eyes and Tara put down her fork to rub the redhead's leg soothingly.
"At this rate, you're never going to finish your lunch," Willow pointed out dryly. "Don't worry about me."
"You know I do anyway," Tara said softly. "Whenever you want to talk to me, I'll listen."
Willow nodded, glancing up as they both heard Buffy's landing on the roof, shoes crunching on the shingles. She didn't speak for a long moment, the silence stretching as she tried to think of what to say, how to explain how she felt, what she had been seeing in her dreams. "I'm scared, Tara." Her eyes didn't move from the ceiling. "I'm scared of who I'd be if I lost you. I've been dreaming about it. I'm dark, everything's dark. You're gone and all she wants is to die, wants everyone to die." She felt her hands start shaking and the sudden dripping tears made her realize that she'd been crying since she'd first started speaking.
"You d-don't want to d-die, do y-you?" Tara asked, poking at her plate with the fork.
"No! Tara, no! I'm just so…I've never been scared like I was when you got shot. I can't get it out of my head." Her eyes closed, squeezing more tears out. "I don't know who I'd be if you were gone."
"Willow," Tara whispered. "Y-you n-never…" She stopped, her shoulder throbbing and her heart suddenly racing. Willow would never kill herself, she knew that, but this sudden paralyzing fear of hers needed to be addressed. "I-I…" It took a long moment to gather her composure, mind trying to think of something reassuring to say. "Willow…"
The redhead let out a growl of frustration, leaning forward and wrapping both arms around her legs. She buried her face in the tops of her thighs, her voice muffled. "I know you can't make any promises, Tara."
"I do, Willow!" Tara's voice was firm and Willow could visualize her expression without seeing her face. "I'm
marrying you. What is that if not a promise? It's true that I can't promise you what's going to happen in the future except for one thing… I
promise you that we will be together for the rest of our lives." She turned on her seat enough to reach Willow's bowed head with her good hand, stroking gently through her hair. "No matter how long that is, I want to spend it with you." Willow's head moved under her hand, lifting just enough so that their eyes could meet. Willow's greens were rimmed with red, her face pale. "And
if anything ever happens to me, I know you'll be sad and upset…"
"
Gross understatement,"Willow chimed in, narrowing her eyes. "Destroyed is a
bit closer."
"Honey, don't say that." Tara pleaded. "
If anything ever separates us, I'd be lost too, you know that…" Willow nodded slowly, leaning into Tara's touch as the blonde's hand slid down her cheek. "But we can't live our lives scared of something that might never happen." She leaned forward and kissed her, pushing into Willow's mouth slowly. Willow's hand found Tara's hand on her face, squeezing her wrist gently. They pressed closer, both leaning forward until Tara's wounded shoulder was screaming in pain and she had to pull back. Willow started to apologize and Tara's fingers landed over her mouth. "No, no apologizing for kissing me."
"Technically,
you kissed me," Willow pointed out, blushing. "Not the point…"
"No, not really," Tara agreed dryly. "The point
is that no matter what happens in the future, you are the person that I
love more than anyone or anything in the world." She leaned closer so her eyes were looking straight into Willow's. "And nothing will ever change that." She sighed, smiling almost sadly. "D-do you u-understand?"
Willow nodded, mouth turning up imperceptibly at the corners. "You love me and you believe that I won't become a monster if you ever die."
"I need you to believe it too, Willow," Tara stated. "I love you and I
know that if anything ever happened to me, you would go on being the sweet, loving, completely amazing woman that I love."
"The completely wrecked remnants of that woman, maybe," Willow chimed in. She sighed heavily. "But even completely wrecked, I wouldn't kill anyone. Not anymore. Not after everything I've learned."
Tara gave her another smile and Willow squeezed her wrist. "I love you," she whispered.
"I love you too," Willow responded. "I need you to
not die, though." Tara didn't say anything, still smiling. "I know, I know," Willow grumbled.
"We'll do our best," Tara promised. "I'm going to need about eighty years of marriage from you."
Willow smiled helplessly, pulling Tara's hand down to kiss her palm. "They're yours. Play your cards right and you could get ninety."
"I'm looking forward to it."
The smiles grew more natural, less strained, as Tara sat back in her seat. "You're never going to finish that lunch," Willow predicted. "Which might be good, because it sucks."
"We're back to that?" Tara questioned. "You hush. My fiancée made this for me!"
Willow kissed her quickly before standing up and going to root through the fridge. "I'll find you something better. You need to eat, but not that." She remembered the blonde's strained shoulder from earlier and spun back to her. "Your arm…"
"It's fine, Willow," Tara assured her, leaning her head back to look up at her. "Sit back down." She tugged on the redhead's wrist, drawing her back into her seat. "Tell me where we're going for vacation."
Willow couldn't help smiling and moved her chair closer before she sat down. "I want to go somewhere where it's cool at night so we can snuggle." Tara smiled sideways at her. "Ooh, and I want a hot tub too!" she added. "That wasn't part of the original plan, but I'm flexible and you've convinced me and now I want it."
"Okay," Tara agreed softly, biting her lip. "As long as you bring your suit too."
Willow scoffed. "Well I'm certainly not going to let you go in the hot tub with someone else!" Her face was still sticky with tears, skin feeling cool as they dried. She wiped her face with the sleeve of her shirt, an oversized flannel that had been stolen long ago from Xander. The front of it was spotted with drips of milk and water as well as tomato sauce from her attempt at cooking.
"Where are we doing this cuddling and hot tubbing?" Tara asked, taking a deliberately big bite of her food.
The redhead shrugged, grimacing at the plate. "Colorado is nice," she observed absently. "My parents went there few times for conferences. Of course I couldn't go to the conferences themselves, but there were mountains and snow and skiing. You'd be cute in a little toboggan."
"Cute hats in Colorado it is then," Tara declared, finishing her meal resolutely while Willow reached over her hands to steal a sip from her cup. "Where do you want to go for our honeymoon?"
Willow choked on her sip and Tara patted her on the back as the redhead tried to catch her breath. "What?"
"We don't have to go anywhere…" Tara started to speak, cut off as Willow lifted one hand. "What is it?"
"We are
not honeymooning on the Hellmouth," Willow pronounced. "We are going somewhere good. I just haven't quite figured out where yet. And even when I do,
you are going to be surprised. Planning the honeymoon is
my job."
Tara laughed, the sound as relaxed as it had been in several months. "Oh yeah? Does that make you the groom?"
Willow grinned, laughing herself. "I'll even wear a suit if you want," she offered, winking.
"That could be pretty nice." Tara studied her contemplatively, tapping her lip with one finger. "Yes. I am definitely okay with this plan," she stated. "Very okay with it." Her voice had dropped and Willow blinked, realizing suddenly that Tara's reaction was from merely imagining her in a suit. When it was a reality…
"Oh, I'm
so going to get some." Tara's eyes were wide and they both started laughing as Willow realized that she'd spoken aloud, helpless to stop. Willow's hand landed on Tara's arm, their connection reestablishing itself with the simple touch and Willow could feel her stress draining away. Tara was with her, wasn't going anywhere. There was no telling what would happen in the future, but the present was sitting right in front of her, her present and her future all wrapped up in Tara, in the love they shared.
"It doesn't end," she realized. Tara blinked at her, still smiling softly. "Even if something happens, I'll never stop being in love with you. Not ever."
"I know that," Tara said.
"I know it too, but I don't think I ever thought about what it means, you know? I mean, of course I know what it means to be in love with you, I just, until all of this happened, I never thought about all of the big, lifetime picture of stuff. I mean, I've known since about two weeks into spending time with you that I wanted to spend my life with you." She sighed heavily, grinning sheepishly. "I'm babbling, but I do have a point. We love each other, we're getting married, and nothing will ever change this. Sorry it took me so long to realize it."
Tara's smile lingered, brushing her hand over the redhead's cheek. "You know the rule about apologizing, sweetie."
Willow smiled, leaning over in her chair. "Happy to pay the price," she whispered, her head tilting to meet her lover's lips. They only parted to draw breath, minimal space between them. Tara lost her breath, but didn't stop, didn't want to stop kissing her for a second. She could feel Willow's complete surrender, giving everything over to her through the kisses, nothing at all held back from her. She could feel it and she answered it with her own, letting everything she felt for Willow out in one blinding, all-encompassing wave. There was nothing that would ever change this, nothing that ever could.
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Doc: "Oh cool, I really wasn't in the mood for heroic actions. Mmhh, I think they have turkey in the cafeteria today..."
) Plus Xander and Dawn can run interferance as annoying distractions