Title: Oblivion
Author: AuroraBored
Disclaimer: This is written and read purely for enjoyment. Characters and likeness belong to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer franchise and its entities. I assert ownership of nothing.
Chapter Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Through season 5, AU after that.
Summary: Moving on is hard to do.
Author's Note: Angst, indeed. I really don't think that outside of the episode of “The Body” grief was addressed very well on the show. This story deals with grief and people moving past trauma. I have lurked for sometime. I generally write original stuff, but I am in a period of writers block, so I thought to borrow another person's characters for a while.
Enjoy.
Author's Note 2: So, yes, I am opting to post a fic as my first post. Why? Because I am rather eager and I also have read far too many fics on this board as a lurker before joining to give constructive feedback. Plus, I have been playing with this idea for weeks now and when I had time sit down and work on it, I really just wanted to put it out there as incentive for me to continue. So I apologize for a lack of etiquette, but alas. Carpe diam, right?
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Tara sat at her small wooden desk on the far wall of their bedroom, pouring over notes for her final. She had decided to pick up summer course work in hopes of graduating early. With having to look after Dawn, time seemed to be of the essence. With her transfer credit from high school course work, her adviser had indicated that she could be done by December if she applied herself. It had been a hard summer. She had been given incompletes in her spring courses thanks to Willow's communication with professors. She had been grateful, but it had meant that she had to write finals for eighteen credit hours in addition to her summer load in order to keep her scholarship. If Willow hadn't been able to keep her head clear, though, it would have meant losing it for sure. If Willow hadn't managed to keep a clear head, she may have lost herself entirely. She couldn't think of that. Not then.
The house was quiet, which wasn't unusual anymore. Dawnie was spending a lot of time at the Magic Box. She said it was still too hard sitting in the house where Buffy had lived and her mother had died. She said she found solace in working along side Anya and Giles. Anya didn't treat her like she might break. Willow had been offered a nine to five internship at a software company which kept her away most days. Most nights, she would patrol with Spike. Things had been exceptionally busy since the things that went bump had learned of the Slayer's death, and arrive home in the early morning exhausted and sore. Xander had finished up reinforcing the doors and windows of the house, he had been weary of leaving the women alone in the house and had needed something to busy himself with. Buffy had received legal notification of her custody of Dawn before her death. The girl's father had not been located, so Willow had petitioned the court of temporary custody in order to keep Dawn from the foster care system. It wasn't set in stone, but as Dawn was older and could articulate her needs and wants to the court, their case worker was optimistic that she could remain with them until she was of age. So much had changed over the past four months. Most days, they found a rhythm. Tara had always been an early riser, so she would wake and prepare breakfast, do a load of laundry or two before waking Willow. She wanted Willow to get as much rest as possible before she was woken. She would let Dawn sleep, affording them a precious bit of time alone. Then Willow was out the door, and Dawn was woken. Tara would walk with her to the Magic Box before heading to campus for classes until three. She would get home, study and make dinner. Willow would arrive at 5:30, Dawn at 6. They would eat, Tara and Willow would retreat to their room or the sofa so Willow could nap. After Willow left again, she and Dawn would have some quality time. It wasn't perfect, but she had to tell herself that it was working. She had tried to talk Willow into letting her patrol by her side, but that had lead to the redhead falling apart each time. Saying that she couldn't risk losing another person, and someone had to be safe for Dawn. It wasn't that she kept Tara from the Scoobidom, or that Willow bore it alone. Xander would patrol as well, stretching himself almost as far as her love. Tara would do research, help with spells as needed. It was their way of grief, Xander and Willow's, their homage to their friend, the reason they picked up the pieces until a new Slayer was called.
“Tara!” Willow's familiar voice yelled up the stairs, preceding loud, clunky foot steps.
“In our room!” Tara called back, closing her notebook and shifting to face the door. Willow walked in the room, and kicked off her clunky dress shoes beside the bed, plopping down. She was smiling, which Tara could only assume was a good thing, something she hadn't seen recently. “You're home early.”
“Yep, I had a meeting with Barb and after she told me to take off,” Willow said, glancing at the clock. 4pm. “Am I disturbing you?”
“Not at all, sweetie,” she replied, getting up and laying down on her side of the bed. “I'm just looking over some stuff for that exam tomorrow. Thinking of ordering in dinner, is that okay? I didn't have time to run for groceries with finals this week.”
“Of course. I want to tell you about my meeting!” Willow said, flopping happily onto her stomach, resting her face in her hands with her elbows sinking into the pillows beside Tara's head. Tara nodded encouragement. “Well, I think you're going to like this. I know you've been pulling an unfair share of weight here, and you've been worried about me being out, and you've been worried about classes, and the financial situation, and all of that. So Barb offered me something that I don't think I can not take. She said that if I worked there part time, fifteen hours a week, they would reimburse my tuition.”
“Will, you honestly think you can handle a job on top of your course load? Dawnie and I will never see you,” Tara said, regret filling her voice that she wasn't being supportive of something Willow seemed enthused about.
“No. I can't. But I could drop my course load to part time. It would take me longer to finish, but school would be free, baby, and I'd have at least some income besides your scholarship and what you get from filling in at the Magic Box. And I could set my hours, some. Work from home some. You wouldn't have to do everything here. I mean, you cook, you clean, you bake. You'll still bake, won't you? Because I really don't think I can go back to Chips Ahoy in my lunch after Mama Maclay's Magic Macaroons....”
“I don't mind taking care of you, Will. It's not like you are twiddling your thumbs or sitting on your hands,” Tara countered, placing a light kiss on Willow's temple. “I don't want you to sacrifice you-your education.”
“It isn't sacrificing. If anything, I'll have a couple years real world experience after graduation. I know it isn't what we talked about, but life kind of happened, and this might make it so we can pull this off. I'll be done before we have to be looking into schools for Dawn, and we won't have debt looming over our heads,” Willow smiled, snuggling down into Tara's arms. “And you can sit on my hands whenever you want.”
Tara tensed a little bit, which got a worried look from Willow. Immediately after being brought back from Glory, Tara had sought comfort in her lover's arms, and they had both held each other tightly as Buffy was lowered into the ground. They had kissed and comforted, but months had passed without true intimacy. They had talked about it some. The bits about Glory. Tara was still getting past feeling so violated, so out of control in her mind. She couldn't help but feel humiliated at the ways her lover had to care for her while she was incapacitated. How could Willow find her sexy after cleaning her because she didn't have the mental capacity for regular bowel and bladder control? Just the thought made her cringe. In her heart, she carried with her the way Willow would look at her right before fingers entered her, the way Willow's eyes would go dark as Tara caressed her stomach and sides, the way the contentment, joy, pride on Willow's face made her feel like a goddess after they made love. She was afraid to take things to that point and see something different.
“I don't mean to push, I'm sorry,” Willow whispered, taking her lower lip in her mouth and gnawing it nervously. She began to sit up, but was stopped by Tara tightening her arms.
“I...I...Will, I'm n-not ready yet for you to...to love me like that yet,” she felt her pulse speed up, she was nervous. She didn't want her love to think she was rejecting her, but at the same time, wanted her to understand. “B-but I could love you like that.” Willow heart jumped in her chest, barely letting herself believe that her love who had been so far for months was offering to love her.
“You mean?” she asked excitedly.
“I mean,” Tara said, a small smile playing on her lips, a memory from when, oddly enough, life was easier. “Okay?”
Willow nodded excitedly. Tara loosened her arms and went to the door, closing in, turning the lock to be sure that Dawn wouldn't accidentally barge in if she came home early, too, for some reason. Tara hurried back to the bed, cupping Willow's face in her hands, bringing her lips to hers. The kiss started as many they had shared, daily, over the course of the summer. Soft, gentle, before Tara caressed Willow's tongue with her's, drawing it into her mouth, sucking it. She ran her hands down Willow's back, slipping her hand under her purple shirt on its way back up. They broke the kiss, Tara pulling it over Willow's head with shaking hands. She gave her a smile. Last summer, their time at the beach had doubled the freckles on the redhead's skin. Now, it was the same as it had been four months ago. Willow shivered at Tara's eyes on her, feeling her nipples harden under her plain black bra. Tara brought her hands to the front clasp, slowly opening the garment to reveal the once familiar breasts. She took one in each hand, massaging them gently. Willow closed her eyes, her face relaxed, something Tara hadn't seen in so long. She brought her lips to Willow's neck, urging her to lay back onto their pillows.
“I've missed you,” Tara whispered, swiftly taking a nipple in her mouth, running a hand down Willow's stomach to the waist band of her grey dress pants, then back to her other breast. She continued the soft fluttering touches, earning a strained whimper and a bucking hips from the redhead. Deciding it had been too long to draw things out too long, she sat, unbuttoning the bottoms, pulling her underwear off with them. She took in the girl laying on the bed, her legs comfortably open, small chest heaving, hands holding tightly to the sheets, eyes clinches close. “I love you, Will.” She placed a searing kiss on Willow's lips, before standing, pulling the girl's body to the edge of the bed. She dropped a pillow onto the floor before getting on her knees, guiding slender legs over her shoulders.
“Oh, Tara,” came a shaky sigh. Tara wasted no time, drawing her tongue along to length of her love's center. “I love you, too, baby. I love you.” Hips began to move in a familiar rhythm. And like a favorite, forgotten song coming on the radio, Tara answered each beat, circling her lover's clit, slowly drawing her fingers in and out of the body which surrounded her. She felt thighs tighten around her, queuing her to apply just a little more pressure before cries of ecstasy filled the warm afternoon air. Tara continued to apply tender kisses to the insides of Willow's thighs as the other girl's breath became even again and the legs wrapped around her loosened. When they finally dropped aside, Tara crawled back onto the bed, beside her girl. Willow had a tired smile on her face, her face was still flushed. “Thank you.”
“No,” Tara replied, pressing a finger over Willow's lips. “You never need to thank me for that. It is one of my favorite things in the world.”
“You smell like me,” Willow chuckled, kissing Tara's finger before it was drawn away. “Baby?”
“Hmm?”
“I'm not pushing, I'm just wondering. I want to help you if I can. What makes you not ready?” Willow stroked Tara's dark blonde hair softly, willing her to meet her eyes. She couldn't help feeling worried. “Was it something I did? It's not all about what Glory took from you, is it?”
“It is what you did,” Tara said softly after a few minutes. Willow's face dropped, Tara's hand instantly stroking her cheek. “You---you took care of me.”
“Of course I took care of you!” Willow exclaimed incredulously. “You needed me.”
“I needed you for everything,” Tara replied, tears were threatening to fall. “And h-h-how can I expect you t-t-to look at me like you used to? H-how c-c-c-can I ex-expect you to want me like t-that?”
Willow's eyes were wide. Her flushed skin was now sickly pale. Concern was etched on her features. “You're the sexiest woman I've ever seen, Tara. I might not tell you every day, because I don't want to push, but I will if I need to. Taking care of you, that didn't change that. I can't explain it, but when you were lost, you weren't you. Bathing you, cleaning you, it was your body but I didn't think about it like that. I mean, one time when I was showering you, I got so upset. It was like this shadow of my girl was there, it was your body and your body is always beautiful but it wasn't you. And now, when I think about you, when you're in my dream, because you always are, you are you. You are you and you are your body. And I would have taken care of your body every day for those times that you would peek through, don't doubt that. But now, you're my strong, beautiful, brilliant, oriented-to-time-and-place-Tara. There's nothing that will ever be as sexy as that. Okay? Come here.”
Willow sat up and pulled Tara', now sobbing to rest on her lap. The door slamming below shook the house, causing Willow to curse under her breath.
“TARA! I'm home! Anya said that she was ovulating and needed Xander to spill seed! Tossed me out of the car! Like it was moving!” Dawn's voice burst through the closed door. Despite her tears, Tara chuckled, kissing Willow's belly before sitting up.
“Might want to get dressed,” Tara said, taking Willow's hand in hers with a tug to encourage her to her feet.
“Might want to fix your hair,” Willow shot back, as she tossed her head back for a freeing laugh. For the first time in months, she felt excited about the idea of tomorrow.
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