Update coming soonish?

...holy smoke batman..that was a twist..and a cliffhanger...Cyteach..your killing me..update soon please..I like this story..don't leave us hanging..PULEASE

Hey all!

Sorry, this is not a new chapter, but I thought I'd come by and give you guys an update on when the next one will be posted.

Look for something new for this in the new year. I'm taking a little self-imposed sabbatical from writing.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this and those who leave such lovely and indepth feedback. I will be back to this story, but not for a couple of weeks or so.

Hope you all have a great holiday season!

See you in the New Year!

Cy.[/b]

Enjoy your holidays...Everyone needs a little "me" time.

Have a good holiday Cyteach...we will all be waiting your return and the updates that follow...

Happy Holidays Cy!
We don't mind waiting...absence makes the heart grow fonder!

_________________
Serving Second Lieutenant of the Kitten Army.
Semper WillTara!
I Serve With Honor For Kitopia!

Cy,

Repeat-o-girl reporting for duty!

Good to take care of yourself and take a break.

VERY EAGERLY awaiting your return.

Also, thank you for your unfailing encouragement on a variety of issues.

You're a fine person and I'm glad to to know you.

Best to you and yours.

Ariel

Just read this all in one go and it's so heartbreaking but amazing! Enjoy your holidays and I can't wait for you to come back with more!

Sarah

Finally caught up on this amazing story. I love how you are writing about Tara's battle with her internal self. Also that Willow wants to help but knows that Tara needs professional help. I'm glad she realizes that love alone wont be able to help her heal Tara. Faith opening up to Tara was shocking to me; I didn't see that coming, but glad that Tara now knows she can also talk to Faith at the dig site. Looking forward to what else you have in store for us.

Happy 2011, Kittens!

I'm back with a new update (a little later than originally planned--sorry!). I'm hoping to get updates out on a more regular basis now that the new year has begun.

Just want to thank all of you lovely people who read, leave feedback, and offer ideas. Any and all comments are welcome!

Just a couple of notes:

1. Just as a reminder/disclaimer, this story contains references to sexual abuse and the issues that arise as a result of the healing process. Please don't read if this is going to negatively effect you in any way.

2. The biggest THANKS goes out to my wonder beta, vampyregurl73! Without her, this chapter would still be festering and gathering dust on my computer. Thanks for helping with the process and offering awesome insight and suggestions, Heather!

So.., here it is! I hope you all enjoy! Thanks for reading

**********

Chapter 29: Still Standing

**********

Without taking the time to fully comprehend exactly what had just happened, and shooting Alaine her most menacing glare, Willow took off at a run after Tara, hating herself for putting the look of disappointment and anguish on her lover’s face.

She tore through the remainder of the dig, pushing around groups of people who had gathered together before heading back to the compound. Her open coat billowed behind her and her red tresses whipped in the air as she came to the first entrance into the building. Stopping in her tracks, and almost comically skidding to a halt so as not to overrun the door, Willow rushed through the kitchen and turned towards her room.

Stopping at her destination and trying desperately to catch her breath, Willow hovered anxiously outside her room where voices could faintly be made out from behind the closed door. She knocked tentatively and didn’t bother to try and hide her dishevelment as she waited impatiently for it to open.

******

Faith was ready for action. Her anger bubbled at the surface over the pain and self-loathing that was clearly etched on Tara’s face. Pacing back and forth in the cramped room, Faith came to an abrupt halt in front of Tara who was slumped in the room’s only chair.

“Tara, you know Willow loves you, she would never—“

“I know, Faith. I know. I-It’s irrational, I know, b-b-but I’m just… I’m j-just in a weird place r-right now. I c-can’t really explain it.” Tara hung her head dejectedly and searched for the words to explain how exactly she was feeling.

“Hey, it’s okay. You can feel any way you want to feel. You want me to go pound on that twerp for you?” Faith added jokingly and felt relief at the sight of a slight quirk of the lips gracing Tara’s face.

“No, you don’t have to beat on her. If I see her near my Willow again, though, I can’t promise anything.” Tara’s ears perked at the sound of a tentative knock on the door.

“That’s Willow,” Tara said as Faith got up to answer. “T-thanks, Faith. For today. For everything.” The gratefulness deep connection to the other woman shone through clearly in her blue eyes.

“No worries,” Faith brushed off the display, stepping back into her self-protective mode. “It was nothing.”

Raising her hand slowly to Faith’s shoulder, Tara placed her hand gently so as not to startle the skittish woman. “No, it wasn’t nothing, not to me,” Tara insisted. “M-maybe we could talk again sometime?” Tara felt the need to reach out, to reassure Faith in some way. Seeing acceptance in the brown eyes before her, Tara dropped her hand and left it at that, turning away to prepare herself for Willow’s entrance.
Faith opened the door to Willow and told her friend with her eyes that they would talk later as she brushed past her and out the door without a word.

“Tara...baby,” Willow began as she rushed into the room and kneeled before Tara on the chair. Taking her hand gently, Willow rubbed her thumb gingerly over the back of her hand, thankful for the fact that she was not running from the room.

“Baby, it’s not what you think.”

“Who was that woman?” Tara asked unemotionally, still stinging from the sight of another woman embracing her lover.

“Alaine,” Willow spit out through clenched teeth. “She’s this stalker grad student who has been trying to get into my pants since the first day on the dig. She hadn’t escalated things to the level she did today, but a couple of weeks ago I found her waiting for me in my bedroom after I finished my shower.” Willow’s face blushed in remembrance of what exactly she was doing in the shower prior to that confrontation.

Tara took in the explanation but was confused over the blush spreading across Willow’s cheeks. “Why are you blushing?” she asked warily.

“Ah, um…nothing.”

“Willow,” Tara insisted with a warning in her voice. “Tell me.”

“Well, um… really?” Willow fidgeted and tried to bat her lashes at Tara in an attempt to get out of an explanation.

“Fine,” Tara huffed as she removed her jacket and walked towards the door. “I’m going to go get some dinner.”

Jumping from her seat, Willow rushed to Tara’s side and stopped her from leaving. “I’m sorry,” she began as she led Tara back towards the bed. “It’s silly…and embarrassing.”

“But…?” Tara probed as Willow once again trailed off.

“You’re really going to make me say this, aren’t you?” Willow asked plaintively as she held her head in her hands. “This is so embarrassing.”

“Will, I think I deserve to know what this is about.” Tara looked closely at Willow’s face and could discern the profound level of mortification represented by a deep tinge of red that spread across her cheeks. “Tell me.”

“Okay, okay.” Taking a deep cleansing breath and keeping her eyes focused straight ahead so as not to see what she thought would be mirth or disgust adorn Tara’s face, Willow began to speak quietly and quickly. “Right before I came back into my room and found stalker-girl here waiting for me, I was in the shower.”

Tara shifted on the bed so that she could give Willow her full attention. “Go on.”

“Well, do you remember that day that you called Buffy and asked her to send me an email because you didn’t have internet access where you were staying? What kind of Podunk place doesn’t have internet access anyway? What were you living in an igloo somewhere up in northern Canada and fishing, hunting and gathering for your—“ Before Willow could escalate into a full-blown category three Willow-babble, Tara leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the still-moving lips.

“Focus, sweetie,” she said as she leaned back and waited for Willow to continue.

The feel of Tara’s soft lips yielding smoothly against her own made Willow’s heart jump. If she’s still willing to kiss me, all is not lost yet. Willow released a deep breath on this realization. Well, let’s just fill her in on your perv-o actions before you get to comfy there, Rosenberg.

“Right, focus.” Willow shook off the effects of Tara’s sweet kiss and inhaled deeply. “Okay, so you were supposed to email me, but I got a message from Buffy instead. She passed on that you were out of the range of internet, and that even though you wanted to talk to me, you couldn’t. I thought you were going to tell me to back off—that I was harassing you too much with the emails and phone calls and text messages. When you didn’t, I felt all with the ‘Yay’ and ‘woo-hoo’ so I hopped up—oh, I forgot to mention I came right in out of the field and directly went to check my email because I was hoping for a message from you so I was all dirty and stinky.” Willow peeked up at Tara sheepishly.

“I was floating because you didn’t want to get rid of me and I grabbed my things and ran to the shower. I was thinking about you and images from our time together just began to flash through my mind. I had a lot of fodder to feed into my fantasy and I ... I was completely aroused by the images flashing through my mind. I, I…” Willow glanced up at Tara and sighed at her stubbornness.

“How much detail do you want here?” Willow asked in frustration as her mortification level began to rise to even higher levels. “I got into the shower…I was aroused beyond belief. I started to wash, but I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I- I… Tara? Please, Tara?” Willow whined and pouted in her attempt to halt the conversation there and then.

Tara, being the perceptive woman that she was, realized very quickly what exactly it was that Willow didn’t want to share. It made her feel sexy that Willow fantasized about her when they weren’t together and she had the ability to feed those desires. Feeling that she had made Willow uncomfortable enough, and feeling a little frisky with the admission, Tara shifted closer on the bed and began to place soft kisses along the base of Willow’s neck, slowly moving upwards.

“Tara?” Willow questioned confusedly as she tilted her head back, unknowingly giving Tara better access. “Um, not that I’m complaining, um, but…honey?”

Tara couldn’t believe the level of arousal that raced through her body at the thought of Willow touching herself. Adding the venue of a hot and steamy shower stall only fuelled the fire that was raging through her body. Tara reached Willow’s ear and nipped gently on the lobe. “I am so incredibly turned on right now thinking about you fantasizing about me while touching yourself,” Tara whispered in her ear, her voice husky and deep. She continued to kiss and nibble along Willow’s ear as Willow became entranced by the feelings Tara was evoking.

Cursing herself and her need for clarity, Willow gently grasped Tara’s face in her hands and pulled her so that their eyes met. “Tara, what about what happened earlier? When you took off from the dig and refused to talk to me? Is that all behind us now?” Willow swept her thumbs gently over Tara’s prominent cheek bones, looking deeply into the blue depths in an attempt to decipher what exactly Tara’s underlying intentions were. “We-we need to talk, honey, or this is just going to be something else in the column of things working against us and our relationship. Talk to me, please,” Willow begged, opening herself fully and showing the range of her emotions through her expressive eyes.

With a sigh, Tara sat back in her previous position on the bed. She stared straight ahead and tried desperately to find the words to express the way she felt on the inside. Willow waited patiently knowing that Tara would talk when she was ready. She took Tara’s hand in her own, a sign of silent support, and waited.

“I-I… I just feel so damn conflicted all of the time, Willow.” Tara began. Without knowing, Tara’s upper body started to rock back and forth, her body’s attempt at self-coping. “I think of nothing else besides how horribly tainted I am. Every waking moment is spent in a tenuous struggle between giving up and holding on to the last semblance of motivation I have to do something to get better. I don’t know how much more I can take before I just…explode,” she admitted quietly. Willow wrapped her arm around Tara’s shoulders and joined in the rocking motion.

“Today, when I saw that woman throw herself at you, I knew. I saw that you weren’t reciprocating, that you weren’t interested in what she had to offer, but there was this little nagging voice inside my head that told me that I wasn’t good enough for you, that you deserved someone who was whole and normal.”

Willow tightened her hold and, at the same time, grasped Tara’s chin in her hand. “Look at me.” Tara resisted. She didn’t want to be bombarded with what she thought would be the token sympathy and understanding that often comes for victims of abuse; not on Willow’s face. “Look at me, Tara,” Willow repeated. Tara’s eyes shifted upwards marginally and she was surprised to see anger splotching Willow’s face. “You are whole,” she insisted. “You are normal.”

“I can’t begin to comprehend the turmoil that is constantly raging through you, Tara, but I will not stand for you beating yourself up over this,” Willow insisted, “I love you. You,” she emphasized. Pointing between their bodies, making reference to their relationship, she added, “and no matter what happens through this, or what may come of the future, I can only love you more each day because your immense strength shines through with each breath you take. You’re more than normal, honey, you’re amazing. And I’ll tell you every minute of every day until you believe it too.”

Tears streamed down Tara’s face at the utter devotion that carried through Willow’s voice. “I-I think that m-m-maybe we should try a-and make that a-a-appointment with a therapist soon,” Tara acknowledged holding Willow’s gaze. “I’m just about at the end of my rope.”

Her heart breaking a little more with each passing second, Willow gathered Tara up in her arms and held on tight.

*******

After leaving Willow and Tara in their room to work out their differences, Faith set out with a clear destination in mind. She turned the corner quickly, avoided running head-on into a group of students, and continued along on her way without a word. Eyes straight ahead, devoid of emotion on the surface, Faith’s body language told a different story. If someone looked closely enough and knew how to find the signs—the rigid posture, the fists clenched tightly at her sides, her jaws clamped severely—they would realize that she was indeed on the verge of a rampage.

Making her way to the end of the dormitory hallway, Faith barged up to the last door on the right and slammed through the closed door.

“You listen up and listen carefully,” Faith growled as she made her way towards the startled form on the bed. “You have two choices, so think hard before you make your decision.”

Alaine felt the waves of hatred emanating from Faith and she crept back to the top of the bed, searching for the wall with her hands in an attempt to protect at least one side of her body from the raging woman in front of her.

“One: you pack your shit and get the hell off of my dig. You go home and crawl back into whatever hole you came out of.” Faith stared down at Alaine and clenched her fists tightly in restraint.

“Two: you stay. You go find Tara Maclay—Tara Maclay, Willow’s girlfriend—and you apologize for your inappropriate behaviour. You get down on your knees if you have to, but you best be sincere in your apology, then you avoid Willow like being anywhere near her will cause you to break out in pustule sores.” Here, Faith stopped at the end of the bed and just stared down at Alaine.

“If you ever want to work in this field when you graduate, you better choose one of these two options, you hear me? Or I’ll make it my life’s mission to make yours miserable.” With that final warning, Faith turned on her heel and stormed from the room with the same intensity on which she entered, slamming the door shut on the way out.

******

After spending ten minutes in shock over what just transpired, Alaine finally arose from her precarious perch on the bed and began to pace back and forth in the diminutive room. Her mind was whirring trying to catch up to exactly what had just happened.

Who the hell does that crazy bitch Faith think she is, barging in like that and giving me ultimatums? Does she know who I am? With one phone call I could ruin her career. Just one call to Daddy, cry to him that I want to come home, that I need to get away from Dr. Lehane. That she won’t leave me alone…hmmm.

Alaine stopped in her tracks, the memory of Faith’s vicious eyes running through her mind like images on a reel. She contemplated her options and shivered at the thought of not taking the options offered to her. Sitting heavily in the only chair in the room, Alaine’s instinct for self-preservation was enough to make her realize that her egotistical demeanour would not let her apologize to a woman that she saw as the enemy and beneath her. She opened her laptop grudgingly and began searching for flights home.

******

The next afternoon, instead of going to the kitchen and eating lunch during her designated shift, Willow returned to her room and retrieved the folder of counsellors in the area that she had previously compiled for Tara. Flipping through the pages, she noted down the top three that Tara had ranked earlier in the week and began making phone calls inquiring about availabilities. The first therapist was not taking new patients, but on her second attempt, Willow was able to procure an appointment for Tara for late afternoon on the next day.

Putting everything back in its place, Willow rushed out to the kitchen to grab a water and a sandwich before making her way back out to the dig. She was happy to notice that Alaine had not made an appearance in her grid as of yet and hoped the crazy woman finally got the message and decided to leave her alone.

She made her way carefully past sections that were manned by students and other anthropologists and sent a little wave in acknowledgement when someone greeted her. Continuing on the well-worn path, Willow kept the lighthouse in the distance in her sight as a homing beacon as she rounded the corner to her destination.

Faltering slightly, Willow was surprised to see Tara sitting cross-legged at the edge of the excavation site, immersed in her notebook. Pleasantly surprised at the unexpected visit, Willow sped up her walk and plopped down on the frost hardened ground next to Tara and waited for her to finish what she was writing.

Tara completed the train of thought that was running from her brain to her hand to the paper before tucking her pen inside the coil and turning to Willow with a shy smile. “I wanted to see where you worked,” she admitted as her eyes travelled over the excavation, taking in the signs of cordoned off sections, tools, and posts running throughout.

“Of course you can see where I work,” Willow replied with a smile in her voice. “You can even do some digging if you’ll let me show you the proper techniques.”

“I’d like that.”

“Great!” Willow rose to her feet and brushed some errant dirt from the seat of her pants with one hand while offering the other to Tara. She took the extended hand and felt her knees pop as she took to her feet, a sure sign that she had been sitting in that position for too long.

“Um, before I give you the grand tour of my little pit and show you the tools of the trade, I have an update to fill you in on,” Willow said quickly, her fear of offending Tara or setting the other woman off still something that she struggled with constantly. Willow felt off-kilter for the majority of the time that she spent with Tara, which, on a whole, wasn’t an entirely bad thing. Who wanted predictability and routine, anyway? She had spent so much of her life immersed in the triteness of order and stability that she was becoming aware of the mundane nature of a life ruled by schedule. Willow no longer appreciated the stability rigid scheduling offered.

Tara waited patiently for Willow’s internal babble to play out, but kept a close eye on her in case it reached epic proportions and she needed to distract her. Willow’s eye snapped back up to Tara’s and she was greeted by a silly grin that let her know that Tara knew exactly what was going on in her head at the moment. “Mind babble,” Willow grinned sheepishly.

“I called some of the professionals on your list, and, um, I got an appointment for you for tomorrow afternoon.” Willow shifted on her feet, dancing the dance of nerves, as she waited for Tara’s reaction.

Relief shone in depths of weary blue eyes as Tara came to the realization that this first stage of her healing was coming to an end. Tomorrow would bring the start of a new journey, one that was going to prove to be just as tumultuous and trying, but she hoped it offered another salve to what she felt were her gaping wounds. “That’s great, sweetie,” Tara exclaimed gratefully, her heart still wondering how she managed to capture such a self-less and understanding woman.

Closing the small gap between their bodies, Tara ran her hands down the length of Willow’s arms, capturing her hands within her own. She brought Willow’s arms up around her neck, where she felt Willow play with the ends of her hair and caress the exposed skin there. Placing her own hands around the petite waist, Tara leaned into Willow and steeped in the strength that she always felt when she was in Willow’s warm embrace. Tara tucked her face into Willow’s neck and found solace in the protection she found there. Breathing in the natural scent of Willow—a unique mixture of earthy tones, the fresh ocean air, and something distinctly citrusy that Tara couldn’t exactly place—Tara thanked all the deities above for blessing her and for allowing her to have this woman to treasure and build a life with.

They both stood in the darkening light of the afternoon, wrapped in each other’s arms and unaware of anything else outside of their embrace. The shelter they offered one another stood as unwavering as the lighthouse in the distance, a protective sentinel standing guard over the island, looming steadfast over the two women, whose lives had become a constant crush of unsteady waves of upheaval of emotional and mental distress.

*******

TBC......

DIBS!!!

[center] WELCOME BACK [/center]


Love the continued development of their friendship; the best kind which involves growth for both parties. Nice moment.


Love how beautifully you evoke sensuality and red-hot arousal, too! And yes, Willow does really need to curse her need for clarity, especially right now!

Faith’s exchange with Alaine was priceless, Faith at her furious best!

Then Tara and Willow’s continued discovery of each other and their continued journey to become whole.

Affecting and effective writing. Thank you so much!

Ariel

To Alaine: Bon voyage Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!!..Welcome back Cy. I'm very happy to see an update. I really hope Faith and Tara continue to bond...Sisters in the struggle. I was very glad that Tara did not push Willow away and that she has an appt. to see a therapist. It's a step and the right direction...Thank you for continuing this story.

Can I get a WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT?!!!!!!

I've SOOOOO missed this story!! And I'm always glad to see you back.

Glad that Tara is relieved that the end of her struggle is on the horizon. And that scene you wrote with Faith and that uber-bitch....YES, PLEASE! Ding dong, the skanky ho is gone!! Even though I was really hoping she would miraculously grow some common sense and apologize to Tara, I am really glad that she is GONE!!

Enjoyed the update, and waiting patiently for the next one!

Best,
Angela

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Laragh's fanfic cock-blocks people.

YAY..and update..I have missed this story...glad u came back to it..Happy snoopy dance over here.. ..so glad that Tara knew that willow didnt want that skanky monkey butt alaine..but the angst was kiling me for awhile..great job and heres to 2011

Hey Cy...Glad you're back and I'm super happy to see this story updated!!!

First...BIG yay for Tara knowing that Willow did not initiate that kiss. Phew! You kinda left us all hanging and I for one, was a little worried! So, thank you for minimizing the angst.

Never have truer words been spoken.

Uh bye, ba-bye, bye now, ba-bye...good riddance! Although, it would have been kinda fun to see her 'break out in pustule sores.'

Very nice start to the new year! Looking forward to your next update!!

_________________
Shelby - Racing The Rain (IN PROGRESS) / Baby Makes Three (IN PROGRESS) / The Santa Line / Everything She Does...Is Beautiful / Calfornia Grass

"Transform your pain. Release your past. And ... uh ... get over it."
~Willow, Where The Wild Things Are

Yay for excellent update-y goodness... Big yay for Tara realizing Willow didn't kiss the bitch... Even bigger yay for Willow getting Tara a therapist appointment for the next day and Tara seeing it as a start of way for the future... I really liked Faith's talk to the bitch and the bitch bugging out and going to daddy. I'm kinda worried what that bitch could do to Faith and Tara. I truly hope she is gone for good...

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We Few, We Happy Few, We Band of Buggered

Posting while nude improves your mood...

Happy to see an update to this amazing story. Glad that a part of Tara realizes that Willow wasn't returning the feelings for the grad student. I like Faith even more after she went and stormed in Alaine's room and gave her her options. Hopefully she is leaving for good and doesn't try and cause any trouble on her way out. Looking forward to Tara's first appointment with the therapist. I'm sure Willow will be right there by her side as support.

Thank goodness you're back, what a cliff to leave us all hanging off of! I am immensely relieved that Tara realized that Willow had no interest in that silly little harlot (what an internal Cordelia she has living in her head). I was a bit puzzled by Faith's reaction. She was so abrupt with Willow in the last chapter, but then defends her to Tara:



And then when Willow turns up she doesn't talk to her, she just leaves. I really hope that she meant what she told Tara, and realizes that Willow would never be untrue. I would hate to see Faith develop feelings for Tara that Tara can never return.

I look forward to more!

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Wave ... The Wish of Three Hearts
The Yuletide Present ... In From the Cold

"We're in love. We're lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers."

Oh, thank God you're back. Hope you had wonderful holidays.

Thank you so much for straightening things about between our girls. I'm so glad Tara realized she overreacted just a tad, and that Willow really does love her. Her reaction was totally understandable given everything she's going through, but still I'm glad they talked it all through. And so glad also that she's ready to see the therapist. I'm very curious to see how that goes.

Also, LOVED Faith confronting the stalker bitch. Actually, I was a little surprised she managed to keep her anger to only words, as I could almost feel her fists forming and wanting to do the bitch bodily harm. It was all handled very well and in a mature manner, and so glad that girl decided to do the smart thing and skeedaddle.

More soon please!


Wimpy

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Pam aka Wimpy0729
Restlessness ~ Quickies - The Lovers, The Dreamers & Me

"There was plenty of magic." ~~ Tara

This Fic is fantastic. Please finish it? Please??

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MMMMMM, Vixeny Goodness.

cyteach, you have done an absolutely, unbelivably, amazing job with this story. as an abuse survivor, and someone who is in the middle of the same life shattering decision tara made at the begining of the story, i cannot express in words what this story means to me.
you are doing a stunning job of capturing the true essence of what it means to survive abuse and the long torturous task of healing and living again.
after throwing off 20 years of pain, fear, hatred, regret, and living for others rather then my self, i was begining to waver on whether or not i could actually start over and build a better life for myself. finding this story has helped to renew my confidence in my decisions and my hope that i too can find someone as kind and patient as willow is in this story, to share my life with and build a better world for myself.
let me just say again how truely remarkable your work is, and that i cannot wait to read more, hopefully soon!

Thanks, everyone, for the warm welcome back (even though I don't deserve it after making you wait so long for this update... sorry! )

Well, first off I want to profusely apologize for the length of time passing between posts. I won’t offer any excuses because there are none that a good enough. I just hope that you all continue to read and feedback even though I am a bad bad fanfic writer.

On the plus side, I have an update for you all and also I have the makings for another 2 chapters pretty much done, they just need to go through the beta process.

On that note, shout out to my wonderful beta vampyregurl73! Heather, you’re awesome, amazing, spectacular! Thanks for helping me make this a better story.

These next few chapters should have a lower than usual angst rating.

Disclaimers: See above

Rating: PG 13

Note: This story deals with issues of sexual abuse and the road to healing that comes as a result of such an experience. Please to not read any further if you will be negatively affected in any way.

Ariel:

Glad to be back (even though it was momentarily and then I was gone for another month.. sorry!)



I liked writing Faith into this fic. I decided early on to give her a cameo as Willow’s friend and then things just kind of spiraled from them. Glad their friendship works.



There might be a little something more tangible, let’s say, to look forward to within the next couple of posts



No, thank you. I don’t know if I could continue on with this story if I didn’t have the continued support from all of you guys who read and leave feedback. It really makes the process something special for me.


SMGOVAN:

Glad to be back!



She really was something else, wasn’t she?



These next few parts will delve into the therapy process and hopefully set everyone up on a clearer path towards healing.

Thanks, as always, for reading and feedbacking!

Angieb86:



You can get two.. WOOT WOOT



Yes, the end-ish is nigh… but not too nigh. Lol. But there will be a few sections that will certainly move the storyline forward.

Thanks for reading and for leaving feedback! Hope you enjoy the update!

Bouncer73:.



I did kind of leave it there for quite a while, didn’t I? Sorry about that! The next few parts will be less angst-y, I promise. Cheers! To 2011. Thanks so much for reading!


Finey_McFine:



Sorry for leaving you hanging… I wasn’t planning on leaving the story for quite so long. Hope these next few updates makes up my tardiness Quote:
“Look at me, Tara,” Willow repeated. Tara’s eyes shifted upwards marginally and she was surprised to see anger splotching Willow’s face. “You are whole,” she insisted. “You are normal.”



This was a big moment for me, too. It’s kinda the basis for Tara’s struggle and right there in those few words Willow is able to express how she sees things.

Thank you so much for sticking with me and this story. Hope you like the next part.

Zampasa19752001:



The future is starting with this next update. Therapy is on the horizon.

I'm kinda worried what that bitch could do to Faith and Tara. I truly hope she is gone for good...

Wellll, I’d never say never, but she’s gone for now (and probably forever)

Love_2003:



Ding dong, Alaine is gone… Faith feels a kindredness with Tara and this is how she stands up for her new friend. Plus, we all know Faith is bad-assed.



This part is coming right up… thanks for reading!

lonelyTara:



Ahhh… To clear things up a little with the whole Willow/Alaine/Tara/Faith thing. Now, rest assured, there will be no romantic feelings being developed by Faith. She just feels an extreme level of protectiveness and sees a kindred spirit in Tara and that is something that I think she hasn’t had. So, regardless of her previous relationship/friendship with Willow, she is going to act in a way that seems a little irrational, but it’s just to show her displeasure in the situation and because she really doesn’t know where all of these sudden emotions are coming from (but they’re NOT romantic)

Thanks for always reading and commenting. Hope you like this next part.

Wimpy:


Lol… thanks! You all are too kind to an absent girl. I did have a lovely holidays, thank you.



I like conflict, it’s a necessary part of a story imho, but yes, I know I pile it on in this fic, so it was certainly time to clear it up.



This is forthcoming.. .like REALLY soon



You know, sometimes words are stronger than fists. And I think that Faith really wanted to use her fists, but after spending the day with Tara, I think she learned a thing or two and it carried over into this situation.

Thanks so much for reading! Hope you like this next part

indigokane:



Wow, thank you for your kind words



You just did by writing that. Thank you so much.



I write what I know and from my own experiences. I’m just grateful that all of you wonderful people have taken the time to read and respond to my little story. It makes the process so rewarding.

.

Wow. I would say, as someone with a similar experience, that the first steps are the hardest to take, and once you make that decision, things get easier.



Thank you so much for reading a leaving this feedback. Here’s the next part, I hope you enjoy it.

Well, here's the update... hope you all enjoy it and aren't too mad with me for making you wait so long!

Feedback, regardless of how short, long, positive or negative, is always welcomed!!!

--Cy

*************

Chapter 30: Adaptation

*******

Fingers drumming without any semblance of rhythm on the cold steering wheel, Willow navigated the winding road as she tried to force her heartbeat to cease its erratic pounding. The silence in the vehicle was deafening, and had been since they left the compound ten minutes before, but she struggled to find what she thought was a safe topic to engage Tara in.

“Will,” Tara warned as the insistent drumming continued unheeded. “Stop that and tell me what’s on your mind.”

Willow’s eyes quickly glanced to the right in surprise at the comment. She thought, wrongly, that she was hiding her anxiety so well. She concentrated on the worn asphalt in front of her, and the tricky twists and turns that seemed to appear out of nowhere, as she thought about their destination.

“I’m just thinking, that’s all,” Willow offered with a smile trying her best to be diplomatic. She was sure that Tara would want to think about something far less nerve-wracking than her upcoming therapy session. She continued to glance occasionally in Tara’s direction, trying to gauge the emotional state of the woman next to her.

Not convinced of Willow’s avoiding answer, Tara shifted closer to the center console and took one of Willow’s hands off of the steering wheel. “Is this okay?” she asked, worried about the precarious state of the road and the level of concentration and dexterity needed to manoeuvre.

“Sure, baby,” Willow said as she rubbed her thumb gently over the back of Tara’s hand. “How’re you doing?” Willow finally asked after another silence swept over them.

“I’m fine. A little nervous,” Tara admitted. “But fine.”

“Nervous?”

Nodding her head but shifting her gaze to the view of the road, Tara sighed audibly. “Well, this is new for me. So much has happened over the past few weeks and I clearly need to take this step, I know that, but I can’t get my body to calm down. Sometimes it doesn’t listen to reason,” Tara quipped lowering her gaze. “I’m just making myself queasy with the various scenarios that are racing around up here,” she added tapping herself on the head.

“Well, this is a big step,” Willow reassured. “Have I told you how incredibly proud I am of you?”

“Yes, sweetie. At least five times today,” Tara smiled and brought Willow’s hand to her mouth. “Thank you,” she whispered lovingly.

“For what?” Willow searched her memory for something kind or sweet she had done for Tara that day. She had already been thoroughly thanked that morning for bringing breakfast in bed, she remembered with a grin and a blush, but she couldn’t remember anything else of note.

“For being you. For supporting me and being my anchor through all of this mess,” Tara admitted quietly. “I don’t know what would have happened if fate hadn’t of put us in the same place that day, Willow. I…It was awful convenient, wasn’t it?”

“These things happen for a reason, I think,” Willow said with a shrug, not willing to question the reasoning of destiny. “The fact that both of us were here when it was necessary, it just reiterates to me that we’re meant to be. It’s me and you, okay? We can deal with this.”

Tara began to fidget in her seat as they neared the city. Rationally she knew that this was a step in the right direction on her path of healing, but emotionally, she was really not looking forward to baring her soul to a stranger. “Will?” She asked plaintively. “What exactly happens in a therapy session?”

“Well, I guess it really depends on the situation you’re bringing and the type of theory the therapist practices,” she began. “It’ll be a conversation, for the most part, and today I think will be more so an introductory session to discuss what you hope to accomplish with it.”

Tara silently took in what Willow was saying. It helped a little to ease the anxiety racing through her blood to realize that not much delving in would be happening today.

“I was in therapy once,” Willow offered. “When I was fourteen. After my parents died, the state thought it would be a good idea to assess my coping and grieving process.” Willow sighed with the memory. “I didn’t really do much to help my situation. I felt forced into it, and even at that age, I was well-read and versed in the concepts of psychotherapy and did everything I could to sabotage the situation.” Willow paused, caught in her memory.

After a pause, she continued. “After the first session—which was basically a get-to-know-you sort of thing, I spent the next two sessions is a state of silence. I sat there and waited for him to say something to me, but he just stared me down after the “how are you today” stock question. It was painfully awkward and discomforting, but I was fourteen and pissed off at the way he was talking to me like a child.”

“Willow, sweetie, you were a child,” Tara conceded softly.

“I know,” she admitted. “And I sometimes wish I could back and change things, but I felt insulted at the level which he talked down to me. And I reacted badly. There’s only so much of ‘how does that make you feel’ a person can take, let me tell you.”

Taking a moment to concentrate on an area on the road that was particularly tricky, Willow refocused back on Tara. “I mean, in my defense, how would you feel if your parents just died in a plane crash? It was an imbecilic way of dealing with my issues, and I didn’t appreciate the coddling one bit.”

Tara remained silent through Willow’s tirade. It made her feel useful to be able to listen to Willow and share in her experiences. Just as she was going to enter into the conversation and offer her own point of view, Willow continued on.

“In the end, it was a learning experience, though,” Willow added, reflectively. “It took a while but it made me realize, eventually, that my actions were self-destructive. The only person I was hurting by refusing therapy was myself. I let my anger and grief eat at me unknowingly on the inside while I went about what I thought was a normal and well-adjusted life.”

Willow glanced at Tara and saw nothing but understanding and acceptance on her face. “I spent a long time absorbed in a fantasy-like world where I wasn’t affected by my parents’ death and used it as a self-motivation tool to focus on my studies. In high school and throughout my undergrad degree, I did nothing but strive to be the best.” Willow chuckled at the memory. “I was quite the little bookworm, you know,” she said with a smirk.

“I hit the proverbial wall with my issues about midway through my graduate degree,” Willow remembered clearly. “All of a sudden I didn’t know who I was, what my values were, or where I belonged in the world. I was taking the maximum number of courses, writing academic articles that were published regularly, and working on digs during the down time.”

Tara placed a loving kiss on Willow’s palm. “What happened then?” she asked curiously, hoping to get an even clearer picture into her enigmatic girlfriend’s past.

“And then I finally went to group therapy sessions focused on grief and their manifestations. Group therapy wasn’t so intimidating to me, and I didn’t mind sharing my experiences with strangers who’d dealt with similar things. I was more prepared for what therapy would offer and I was finally ready to deal with my issues. So I guess something good did come out of the original refusal of therapy thing because I wasn’t ready at the time to actively do anything about it. It took me almost eight years to come to terms with my parents’ death and that fourteen-year-old me was in total denial of the effects.”

Tara paused and thought carefully before responding, making sure that Willow was finished with her recounting. Her eyes lifted to a spot on the roof of the car, her mind trying to find the right words to illustrate her thoughts on the clearly difficult situation. “Well, when my mother died, I know there were a lot of conflicting emotions battling inside me. I was angry at her for leaving me, I was incredibly lonely, and I felt lost for a long time.” Tara shrugged and glanced at Willow. “It’s not the same, I know, and I don’t know if I would have wanted to be put in that position myself—with the forcing of the therapy—at the time, but I’m sure the intentions were good.”

Tara saw the death of her mother as her turning point in her development of repression. Even though she never told anyone about the years of abuse, with the passing of her mother, she knew she no longer had anyone to tell even if she wanted to.

Willow looked at Tara in shock at her admission. “Oh, baby, I-I had no idea. Gosh, I’m such an idiot running my mouth like that,” Willow groaned, cursing herself for her lack of tact. “Just ignore the dummy next to you,” she pleaded with a chastened look. “I-I don’t think before I speak sometimes.”

“Hey,” Tara gripped Willow’s hand and forced their eyes to meet momentarily. “I didn’t say that to make you feel bad, sweetie,” she insisted. “I w-was just trying to understand, to give you my own experiences on the feelings that come with losing a parent, that’s all.” Tara’s head dipped self-critically and she added, “Perhaps I’m the one who should learn how to keep her mouth shut, hmmm?”

“Tara, no,” Willow asserted, wishing they were having this conversation somewhere that allowed more eye contact and focus. “I always want you to say what you’re feeling, okay? Don’t ever think that I don’t.” Willow moved her arm around Tara’s shoulder and brought her closer. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this conversation to take this turn.” Willow sighed at her own insensitivity.

“Willow, we need to be able to talk about whatever we want, you know, without fear of how the other is going to react.” Tara snuggled down into Willow’s embrace pushing away the self-negative thoughts and focusing on the feel of herself in Willow’s arms. “I don’t want you to walk on eggshells around me, sweetie,” she added, her voice becoming muffled. Her statement was earnest and complex and not just directed towards their current conversation.

“I want us to be able to talk about anything, too, baby. I-I just should have thought things through a little more clearly before bringing this up when you’re already feeling apprehensive about your first counselling session.” Willow sighed and ran her fingers through Tara’s hair in a comforting gesture.

“It just makes me sad that you had to grow up so fast,” Tara admitted softly, images of a broken teenaged Willow running through her mind.

Willow thought about Tara’s own childhood and was amazed, once again, at how selfless this wonderful woman could be. Despite her own experiences, her own lack of an innocent childhood, she still had the ability to sympathize with others’ pain.

Attempting to move the mood to one that was lighter, Willow joked, “Hey, no worries. I turned out mostly normal in the end, right?”

Tara chuckled and tickled Willow’s side. “Yes, sweetie, you turned out fine.” She paused and looked up into Willow’s eyes, her face becoming serious. “I think you’re just about perfect,” she admitted with a slight blush.

*******

With the change in conversation to a topic that was a lot deeper than was intended, Tara realized it served to make the last twenty kilometers of the drive fly by in a blur. Their surroundings changed from one that was sparsely populated to a location that was spotted with commercial buildings surrounding by residential areas. Willow slowed down the SUV and indicated a turn.

“So, this is it?” Tara asked while perusing the seemingly utilitarian red brick building. “It’s not exactly what I had pictured in my mind,” she admitted around a mouthful of thumb which she had begun to chew on when the car entered the parking lot.

Willow lovingly rescued the innocent digit and took both of Tara’s trembling hands within her own. “It’s going to be okay, baby. I’m going to come in with you and then I’m going to be right in the waiting room the entire time, okay? One word and I’ll rush you out of there and you never have to go back, deal?”

With a resolute sigh and a straightening of the shoulders belaying a strength she did not feel, Tara agreed and stepped out of the SUV. She was met at the end of the vehicle by Willow who immediately took her in her arms and squeezed all of her love into that one embrace. “You can do this,” Willow insisted with sincerity.

They clasped hands and walked together towards a turning point they both knew waited for them inside.

*******

Inside the building, the space was divided into a number of individual suites of offices. Coming to a listing directly inside the main doors, Willow consciously refrained from extracting the info sheet she had compiled for this visit and allowed Tara to run her eyes over the list of names, finally finding the one she was seeking halfway down the board: Dr. Erin Hogan, Suite 219.

“I guess we’re going up to the second floor,” Tara said needlessly as they turned to find the stairwell. Coming out at the top of the stairs, gold-plated signs with directional arrows pointed them towards their destination. A frosted glass door with the suite number and doctor’s name reiterated that they were in the right place. Before she could turn the knob and enter, Willow stopped Tara by placing a hand on her shoulder.

“Wait,” Willow urged as she dug around in her pocket. “I found this for you yesterday,” she said and handed Tara a small beach rock that fit perfectly into the palm of her hand. It was oval and flat, but cracks and crevices graced the surface marring the smoothness. Tara rubbed her thumb gingerly over the warm stone, tears pricking her eyes at the loving gesture.

Tara leaned over and reverently placed a soft kiss on Willow’s cheek. “Thank you, sweetie. It’s perfect,” she whispered.

“Here goes,” Tara said on a deep breath before turning the knob and entering, with Willow at her side.

*******

TBC....

Yay for great update-y goodness... I'm glad that Tara is going to therapy... I'm really happy that they had the conversation about Willow's therapy experience...

_________________
We Few, We Happy Few, We Band of Buggered

Posting while nude improves your mood...

great update! i love the way you're having them truely communicate with each other, something that was sorely lacking in their interactions on the show. but as many of us know, the road is going to get rougher from there, the path to understanding, acceptance and self-forgiveness is never easy. can't wait for more!

_________________
if it's not real, you can't hold it your hands; you can't feel it with your heart, then i won't believe it. but if it's true you can see it with your eyes, even in the dark; and that's where i want to be. 'brick by boring brick' -paramore

Fantastic update!! More than worth the wait . Our girls are on their way. I loved that Willow gave Tara the stone right before they entered the office. That was such a sweet and loving gesture . I can just imagine how thoroughly she'll be "thanked" for her thoughtfulness .

Yay, you're back...again! lol

I have to say that this is probably my favorite chapter so far and well worth waiting for.


I loved this. Honest and straightforward.

I really liked that Willow was able to share her feelings with Tara. This entire time she's been so busy dealing with Tara's crisis, that she hasn't been able to share any of herself, so I really felt like this was a definite turning point in their relationship.


Simply perfect!

Two more chapters almost ready...yippee!

_________________
Shelby - Racing The Rain (IN PROGRESS) / Baby Makes Three (IN PROGRESS) / The Santa Line / Everything She Does...Is Beautiful / Calfornia Grass

"Transform your pain. Release your past. And ... uh ... get over it."
~Willow, Where The Wild Things Are

So glad, again, to see you back. This was all so nicely done. Their whole conversation seemed a lot more relaxed this time, and I'm so glad Tara told her they needed to be able to talk about anything. That's a huge step for both of them. Of course, maybe the morning sex helped with the relaxation. Perhaps the doctor should write them a prescription for that...hmm.

Anyway, they're finally there, and I really hope it helps. Can't wait to see how the session goes. More soon...or later...whenever, but sooner would be nice.


Wimpy

_________________
Pam aka Wimpy0729
Restlessness ~ Quickies - The Lovers, The Dreamers & Me

"There was plenty of magic." ~~ Tara

Cyteach:

Is it okay to say that I have missed your voice? Missed the play of your mind, the poetry woven into your prose, the very compelling journey you are letting us experience? Well, I have missed your voice very much! So welcome back!


Love the further discussion between them, the clear evidence that they are maturing as a couple and learning how to work and communicate together.


God, we always think we are “hiding” our anxiety well and it is pretty much impossible! Also, the terrain of their travel is a pretty effective metaphor for their journey together.

Also appreciated Willow’s experience with therapy and the evidence of Tara’s growing resilience.

Finally, the most amazing journeys can be the simplest: climbing steps or walking through the door.

Thanks again!

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother

Well, here I am, back again for another update! And in under 2 weeks... getting a little better at the frequency!

Thank you all so much for continuing to read! Feedback is like crack to a writer, and the instant gratification that you all provide by leaving your thoughts and ideas certainly satisfies my addiction!

Here's the responses to individual comments:

Zampasa19752001:

Glad you liked the update… the therapy session is up next. Thanks, as always, for reading and feedbacking!

indigokane:

Yes, communication is key… which is not always easy in this situation. And you’re right. Things will still be and down, but that’s the way of real life, yes? Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to leave feedback!

SMOGVAN:

Glad it was worth the wait! My lack of updating makes me feel guilty at times, but I’m glad you all keep coming back despite the time in between. Glad you liked the ‘stone’ moment…and you’re spot on in thinking that there will be many thanks given later

Finey_McFine:

Oooh, favourite chapter?! Awesome! I struggled getting out what I intended in that chapter and this next coming one. Originally, I had made this all one chapter, but then I had to go back and tweak and it just turned out too long for one chapter… Sorry for the babble!



Willow has her own issues as well. I think it is a clear indication, as well, that their relationship is moving into a more “real” territory for both of them. Thank you so much for your kind words and for coming back (even if I do disappear for weeks at a time!)

Wimpy0729:

Glad you like it! And if you ever find a doctor who prescribes daily doses of morning sex, don’t hold out on us! The actual session is next… hope this update qualifies as “sooner”! Thanks for reading and leaving your thoughts!

Ariel: You sure know how to make a girl blush! Thank you for your lovely words.. they mean a lot



Sometimes the so-called breaking point is not entirely a bad thing.. it can lead to things like honest conversation and a level of self-awareness and I tried to bring into focus in this section. Thanks for picking up on that.



You’ve hit the nail on the head… we always think we’re ‘hiding’ but it is usually very apparent to anyone who knows how to see the signs. As for the road metaphor, I’d love to take the credit for creating that on purpose, but it was entirely unintentional. BUT, now that I see it, I can totally agree with you.



So, so, so true. These simple everyday things seem so unassuming and ordinary to the unknowing eyes, but for someone going through this ordeal, that first step, however small, is quite the achievement

*******
Disclaimers: Same as always

Author's Notes: Heartfelt thanks to vampyregurl73 for her continued patience with me and my need for perfectionism in my writing. Thanks for putting up with my obsessive need to use commas and for my tendency to use entirely too many words to say what I mean This story has only gotten better since you came on board, Heather!

And, without further ado.... here's the next chapter....hope you all enjoy (and, you know, leave feedback because of the whole 'crack' addiction reference above )

*********


Chapter 31: Honesty

The pain and monotony of filling out insurance forms—made even worse by Tara’s status as an international patient—served as a distracting factor from her mounting anxiety about what waited for her behind the closed door. Willow, as always with her preparedness and eye to detail, had brought along all of the pertinent information, making the process much less infuriating than it had the potential to be.

“All done?” Willow asked with a questioning smile as Tara returned from the front desk that adorned one wall of the small waiting area. Chairs were arranged around the remaining walls; utilitarian in their purpose and designed to make the occupants squirm while they waited.

Tara nodded as she took the seat next to Willow. Taking her hand, Willow’s thumb ran circles over the back, and her arm went around Tara’s shoulders, offering the comfort of her closeness. “She said it wouldn’t be long.” As her brain de-fuzzed from the plethora of forms and paperwork, Tara’s mind began to wander, picturing the various scenarios that would take place behind the oak door that marked the inner sanctum of Dr. Hogan’s office.

And her anxiety levels mounted.

“Hey,” Willow said placing her hand on Tara’s face and drawing her gaze towards her. “I’ll be right out here the whole time, okay?”

Tara nodded her acceptance of Willow’s reassurance and rose from her seat when the office assistant indicated her appointment was beginning.

********

Despite her lack of direct involvement in the proceedings, Willow couldn’t help but agonize over what exactly was happening behind the closed door. She spent thirty seconds squirming in her seat before taking to her feet and pacing back and forth, up and down, between all four walls.

She felt a glimmering of guilt enter her body when she thought of her own involvement in bringing Tara there that day. It was the best step forward, but Willow couldn’t help but think of the turmoil that Tara was surely feeling at the moment.

Sighing audibly and picking up the speed of her pacing, Willow pushed all personal thoughts out of her mind in order to maintain her own sanity. Her mind wandered to the work she had done and the progress she had made on the dig over the past two and a half months. Wow, has it only been that long since I took that impromptu stopover in Chicago and first met Tara? Have we only been together for two weeks on the dig? Time began to have no merit when Willow thought about her all-encompassing feelings for Tara.

A wide smile had transformed Willow’s face when she thought about her love for Tara and their blooming relationship. Her steps took on more of a gliding motion, and she slowed her movements down to match her frame of mind. Despite having to deal with the explosiveness of Tara’s acceptance of her abusive childhood and the ramifications of everything that came with the repression of such an enormous ordeal, Willow felt that the depth of their feelings for one another would survive anything.

Willow had placed many of her own desires on hold since Tara had come into her life, but she was more than willing to place herself second in order to be by Tara’s side through this awful patch and healthy and whole on the other side. It wasn’t a sacrifice, in her opinion, but what an individual member of a relationship would do for the happiness and safety of their partner and their future together.

Checking the clock ticking distractedly on the wall opposite, Willow noted that twenty-five minutes had passed. She sat back down, her mind clearer and her demeanour calmer, and removed her iPhone from her jacket pocket and began to brainstorm potential plans for the next two weeks after the dig had shut down for the season.

*******

Tara was greeted at the door by a woman in her mid-thirties. With a quick look up from where her eyes had drifted to the floor with a nervous submission, Tara took in a set of friendly green eyes, shoulder length curly brown hair the color of milk chocolate and a slate grey power suit.

“Hi, Tara,” she held her hand out in greeting. “I’m Erin. Come on in and get comfortable,” she said as she waved towards the grouping of chairs in the middle of the spacious room. The room was airy and bright with a full wall of windows. The remaining walls were covered with floor to ceiling bookcases crammed full with various tomes.

The set-up of the seating area threw Tara for a loop. From her imagination, television, and various books, she expected to see some type of chaise lounge with a single chair opposite it. Instead, there were three single wing-backed chairs in a semi-circle and two cushioned loveseats.

Tara took the seat that had a view of the door and from which she could see the full-length windows. She took a deep cleansing breath and squeezed the stone between her clasped hands.

“So, Tara,” Dr. Hogan began as she chose a seat near Tara, “I don’t see many Americans in here. Do you want to tell me a little bit about why you’re here in Newfoundland?”

In a tiny voice, Tara explained her sabbatical from her job as a high school English teacher, a decision made in order to pursue her lifelong dream as a novelist. Nervously, she continued, outlining her travels through Canada and how she finally came to end up here. Thinking of Willow and their fated reunion, Tara explained how she was staying on-site at the archaeological dig in Ferryland, after meeting up with an acquaintance who was also on the island. Tara kept her explanation vague and impersonal; she wasn’t quite ready to disclose her sexuality or share her darkness with the stranger just yet.

Dr. Hogan listened attentively, her eyes never leaving Tara’s face. Tara was a little overwhelmed by what she saw as scrutiny and clenched the small beach rock continuously in her hands.

“So you’re just visiting, then?” Erin clarified.

“Yes, I’m just visiting for now.”

“Well, why don’t I tell you a little bit about me before you make a decision about whether or not you want to come back and see me again, okay?” she asked shifting in her chair to face Tara fully.

“I’m from here,” she motioned with her hands, “I received my undergraduate educational training at Queens University in Ontario and my graduate and doctorate degrees from McGill University in Quebec. I practice a version of cognitive behavioural therapy which basically means we try to identify adverse behaviours in individuals, determine the root cause, and then actively use techniques to change those negative behaviours into healthier ones.”

“You still with me?” she questioned as she waited for Tara’s acknowledgement. Her first impression of the young woman in front of her was one of extreme turmoil that manifested in a protective mechanism that forced her to close in on herself.

“I know you’re a well-educated woman, Tara, and I’m not giving you this explanation in an attempt to talk down to you, I just want to lay all of our cards on the table so you can make an informed decision.”

“I don’t know if you’ve taken this factor into consideration before you came here, but have you looked at what’s going to happen when you leave?" Erin paused for a moment to let what she was saying sink in. “I’m going out on a limb here and assuming that the reason you have come here is fairly serious. Do you want to start therapy with someone, build a relationship, to start the healing process, and then only have to leave in a short time?” Erin’s voice was kind and soft through her questioning.

Reliving the crushing emotional and mental barrage she had experienced over the past two months, and coming to the breaking point a short two weeks ago, Tara didn’t exactly consider the long term future in terms of her therapy. She took a moment to process what exactly that would mean and longed for the comfort of Willow and her logical mind to help her through the decision.

Sighing softly and straightening her resolve, Tara realized that there were some things she had to decide on her own. For her own health and sanity. “I-I-I understand the po-potential for a setback when I leave here and go back h-home. B-but if I’m being honest here, the n-need right now for this kind of outweighs the r-r-risks.” Tara paused, flipping the rock over in her hand with her thumb and forefinger, tracing the cracks and blemishes. “I n-n-need help n-now,” she whispered.

Erin shifted in her chair. “Okay,” she accepted understandingly.

“I-I’d like to ask you a few more questions, if you don’t mind,” Tara stated.

“Well, sure,” Erin replied. “That’s what today is all about—figuring out if we’re going to be a good fit for each other.”

Deciding quickly that if she was going to get as much out of the therapy process as possible she would need to be upfront about the extent of her issues, Tara took a deep cleansing breath before jumping in. “You don’t have to get into specifics, I understand the parameters of patient-doctor privileges, but I need to know whether you have ever counselled anyone who has experienced, and then repressed, an extended period of childhood sexual abuse before?”

The silence that swept the room was not long, but it was heavy with expectancy. “To answer you honestly and specifically, I would have to say no. No, I have not specifically counselled anyone dealing with the ramifications of an extended period of childhood sexual abuse.”

Erin paused and allowed Tara to grasp her answer. “While saying that, I would have to offer the condition that, although I do not have experience with that specific situation, I do have experience counselling individuals dealing with issues arising from many variations of abuse, and I also have experience with clients who have experienced single instances of sexual abuse.”

Tara’s emotions traveled from disappointment to surprise and finally to respect in response to the doctor’s answer in a matter of seconds. She sighed audibly and said softly, “Thank you for your honesty.”

“Tara, honesty is the keystone to my profession and I take my job very seriously. Without an open focus on honesty, cognitive behavioural therapy will not succeed. That’s perhaps the biggest stumbling block to practicing this theoretical model. The patient not only needs a strong reflective ability, but an honest and symbiotic relationship must be established.”

There were many words Tara knew could she could use to describe her personality, but honest wasn’t one of them. She winced internally at the knowledge that this was going to be an uphill battle.

“Dr. Hogan,” Tara began with a self-deprecatory grin, “since you were so open and honest with me, I’ll have to be honest with you and admit that truthfulness is not exactly one of my strong points.”

“Honesty is key, Tara, but that’s not to say it’s easy,” was the only response Erin offered. She then added as an afterthought: “It has to be constructed. And like anything, it must have a solid base if it’s going to have stability.”

If nothing else, Tara realized that meeting with Dr. Hogan would surely be interesting and a lesson in strengthening her reflective abilities. Having a better understanding of where her negative emotional reactions originated from by looking at the occurrences leading up to them, would then allow her to change the behaviours into something healthier and less destructive. Tara thought to herself that this ability would be beneficial not only in coming to terms with the effects of her abuse, but in all parts of her life. Thinking was always a good thing.

She smiled her first real smile that was not Willow-directed in a long two months. “Okay. I’ll take that into consideration.” Tara paused before continuing. “I’m just going to warn you that it—I—may be difficult.”

“I can handle difficult,” Erin responded quickly with her own smile creasing the corners of her light green eyes.

“Well, Tara, it looks like our time is up for today.”

Tara glanced up at the clock and realized that almost an hour had passed since she first entered the room. “Wow. That was quick.”

“Time flies and all of that,” Erin responded with a quick smile rising to her feet. “Here’s what I’d like for you to do. Take a few days to think about this,” she motioned between them both. “If you decide that you want to go ahead and start the ball rolling here, that this is something that you think will work for you, just give the office a call and set up an appointment. If it comes to it, I can start you off here and then look into finding someone to take over when you leave.”

“Okay, I’ll do that.” Tara reached for her bag and made her way to the door. “I’ll make a call regardless of my decision,” she added, thinking it was the polite thing to do.

“Thank you for your time, Dr. Hogan,” she said over her shoulder as she closed the door behind her, realizing that she was being completely honest with her statement.

*******

Willow looked up from where her attention had been immersed in her phone as she heard Tara’s voice break through. She rose quickly to her feet, prepared for whatever. Seeing a calmness emanating from her girlfriend’s face, a look that she had not seen before, Willow’s breath released on a sigh of relief.

Smiling at the redhead from across the room, Tara held up one finger to indicate that she would be right there. She leaned over the wooden reception desk and spoke quietly with the woman there before turning to meet Willow near the door.

“Hi sweetie,” Tara smiled, taking Willow’s hand in her own and leading her out. “Sorry for taking so long. Were you bored waiting on me?”

“No. No, of course not, baby,” Willow assured. “Time really went by quickly; I was doing some work on my phone, planning out the next couple of weeks.”

“On your phone?” Tara questioned incredulously as they made their way out into the parking lot.

Willow chuckled and pulled the device out of her pocket. “Yeah, look at this. You can do pretty much whatever you want with it. Check emails, surf the net, watch videos, play games, manage your schedule. Look at this,” she said pressing the screen gently with the tip of her finger. “I can even read tiny books on here.”

Tara couldn’t help but giggle at Willow’s explanation. “But I thought you said it was a phone? It can do all of those things, but you never said anything about making calls.”

“Of course you can, silly,” Willow grinned. “See this little icon with the little receiver on it? I just click here and here like this, and voila! I can call whoever I want. My contacts even come with little pictures, see?” she said, her fingers moving furiously over the screen. “There’s you,” Willow said sheepishly when she brought up a picture of Tara, showing her in profile looking out towards the waves of the ocean.

“Hey! Let me see that,” Tara said and made a grab for the phone. She looked intently at the image and tried to place when and where it was taken. “Hmmm. Sneaky,” she said handing the device back to Willow. “I don’t remember you taking that.”

Blushing sheepishly, Willow replied, “Yeah, uh, well, you know…I snapped a few when you weren’t looking,” her voice taking on a questioning tone.

“A few?” Tara quirked her eyebrow.

Willow laughed nervously and took her phone back. “Yeah, um, just a few.” She started the vehicle and carefully backed out of the parking space and made her way towards the road.

“So, I was thinking,” Willow said changing the subject. “How about you and I have a night out on the town?” Peeking quickly at Tara, she continued, “that is, if you’re up for it. I mean, we could go back to the compound? You’re tired. You must be tired. Forget I even mentioned it, insensitive Willow, that’s me,” she continued muttering to herself.

“L-like a date?” Tara’s heart warmed at the idea of having her first real date with Willow.

A full smile spread out from Willow at this. “Yeah, like a date. We could even spend the night out here, if you wanted. There’s this great hotel that’s nestled into the side of a cliff overlooking the city. I heard that the view at night is really something to see.”

Tara’s lips curled into a half smile. “Willow Rosenberg, what kind of girl do you think I am? Spending the night with you on our first date? That’s awfully presumptuous of you, don’t you think?” Tara teased.

Not knowing where the sudden playful mood came from, but not willing to question it, Willow reiterated her original question. “So? What do you think? Would you like to go on a date with me, Tara? I promise to behave,” she added with a mischievous wiggle of her eyebrows.

“I think a date night sounds perfect, sweetie,” Tara answered honestly, surprised at the truth behind her own statement. She decided that any talk of therapy and the future could wait for another time. Right now, she wanted to steep in the moment and the feeling of serenity sweeping through her body, so she took Willow’s hand within her own, leaned back more comfortably against the leather seat, and watched the passing scenery with a bright smile gracing her face, happiness spreading through her features.

********
TBC...

Dibs.. Great first step. I love the way that Willow decided to keep it light by taking Tara out for the evening. There will be plenty of time later for the heavy stuff. Starting therapy can be very stressful because of the fear of the unknown... can't wait for more.