Title: Meeting Expectations
Author: TaranWillow4Ever
Rating: PG for now
Disclaimer: Josh owns all of the characters, I just imagine other lives for them.
Spoilers: None; Totally AU
Feedback: Please, I am playing with POV, sorry to those who don't like inconsistency.
Note: This story contains elements of abuse - physical and emotional, that are either eluded to if not outright described. If anything of this sort bothers you, then please do not read this story
Thoughts in italics.
Chapter 3. Oregon
Willow
Willow felt as though the first two days of her exchange program lasted forever. They were kept busy with classes and activities and Willow learned a lot about the Yarok Native American Culture. This school was very different from than the one that she was attended. It had with a much bigger emphasis on being the first of a generation to get a college education. She tried hard to keep her focus on the program but subconsciously she was just counting the minutes until she would see Tara. She had been tempted to call the girl every night, but realized that she did not want to cause her friend any financial hardships.
It was finally Wednesday. Willow woke up very early. She didn’t want to wake up the two other girls who were sleeping in her room. She quietly dressed and walked into the lobby to see what kind of places were within walking distance of the hotel. She discovered that the walk to the ocean was only three miles and the clerk told her that there were plenty of things to look at around the hotel. Despite November usually being a wet time of the year for this area, the weather was forecasted to be partly cloudy and the chance of rain was listed as only 20%. Willow grabbed a pastry and went back to her room. The other girls were starting to wake up and she talked to them about their planned trip around the area. When they asked why she was not going, she decided to be truthful and told them that she had a friend who lived nearby and that they were going to get together. Willow was not particularly close with either of the girls who she was sharing a room, so this information was all that they elicited from her. Willow picked up her book and tried to read while she waited for the other two girls to get ready and leave. Once they were gone she took a shower and got ready, picking out clothes that she thought accented her green eyes but were not too obviously date clothes. She wanted to look nice for Tara.
Willow had a difficult time sleeping the night before due to worries about what was going to happen today. She knew that today she would find out what was the nature of their relationship and she feared that the girl would no longer have any feelings for her. Willow reminded herself that Tara probably wouldn’t have taken off the day to come see her if she harbored no feelings. The big question was were the feelings romantic or friendly.
Willow tried to occupy herself by watching the TV, but nothing seemed to catch her interest. She then picked up a book, but the words seemed to be just dots on the page. She began pondering the fact that her perception was true, that writing was just an abstract code, but even this was not entertaining for her for long. She decided to go outside and read, knowing that she would probably continue to have difficulty reading, but at least she would have nature to observe. Willow sat down on a bench that was outside the hotel and tried to get back into her book. Her attention shifting every time she perceived a car slowing down to come into the hotel parking lot. After what felt like hours, but was actually only about 45 minutes, a beat up truck came into the parking lot, and Willow saw Tara getting out of it. Willow could tell that Tara was as nervous about all of this as she was because she didn’t even look around, but instead was walking toward the door.
Willow yelled out “Tara” she saw the girl stop and look around trying to find the source of the greeting. Willow had planned to act all cool and nonchalant, but she found herself running toward the girl and enveloping her into a big hug. Once she realized she had done it and that the slightly taller girl seemed rather stiff, she pulled away and said, “Sorry”.
“N..n…no” stuttered Tara, “I..I..It’s ok.” The two girls stood looking at each other, both seeming to get lost in each other’s eyes. Willow was the first to break the eye contact, and she suggested that they sit down on the bench and decide what they wanted to do for the day.
“What time is your friend picking you up again?” asked Willow.
“Um…he said that he’d be by at about 8, but if that is too late, I can just hang out,” she motioned to her pack,” I brought a book.”
Willow looked back into Tara’s eyes and said, “I am sure that you will not be needing to occupy time reading that book, unless of course that is what you want to do, reading is always a good thing, see I was reading too. Do a lot of reading in the last year, so we could do that…” Willow stopped when she felt Tara’s finger touch her lip.
“I always wondered if that would work when you used to get into a babbling session, we couldn’t touch, so I could never try” Tara smiled.
I could die right now happy, I so hope she wants more than friendship because I so want to kiss her, I so want to take that finger into my mouth. I hope I am not blushing, but I am feeling hot, so that is not a good sign Willow’s fears were confirmed when Tara asked her, “Are you ok, you are turning red.”
“Um…y..y..yeah. I am fine.”
“Sure you are, babble then stutter, and turn red, those are sure signs of Willow being fine.”
“Hey!” said Willow trying to seem indignant.
“You are still cute as ever.”
Cute, she called me cute again. AHHHHHH “Thanks”
“You are welcome. So what do you want to do?”
Kiss you and hug you and take you up to my room and makeout with you. “Well, I was thinking that it is supposed to be a pretty nice day, we could go for a walk in the forest around here, look at all the giant Redwoods, or we could walk to the Klamath River or ocean. The ocean is only 3 miles away. I know that sounds far, but if we walk slowly, it shouldn’t be too bad. What do you want to do?”
“Whatever you do.”
“Well, how about we stay around here for awhile and get some lunch at the deli nearby and then walk out toward the River/Ocean and see what we want to do.”
“Sounds good”
“Ok.”
The two girls walked along silently, each not knowing what to say to each other. It felt like there was a big chasm between them, and neither of them knew what to say to the other.
“Tara?”
“Yeah, Willow.”
“So, how is the GED stuff going?”
that is not what you wanted to ask Rosenberg Willow admonished herself.
“P…p…pretty good. I’ve passed five and I am waiting for the results of the writing test which I think I did ok on. So I should have the total GED soon and I can start classes in the Winter semester. What about you? What are you taking?”
“Organic Chemistry, Calculus IV, American Indian Literature, and Pacific Northwest History. The Literature class is the reason for this trip.”
“Nice light load. You still wanting to be a Chemistry major?”
“I think so. I have enjoyed a lot of classes, but math and science are still the ones I like the most.”
“I didn’t figure you changed a lot.”
“Huh,” Willow turned and looked at Tara, “I haven’t…changed that is.”
“I feel like I have…” said Tara rather quietly.
Willow looked around for something to sit on and saw a rock under a tall tree.
“Why don’t we sit down and talk some.”
“Ok.”
The two girls walked over to the rock and sat down. It was clear that both of them didn’t know what type of personal space to give the other. Once again there was silence, and then Willow announced, “Ok, I’ll start. You are right, I am Willow, not a lot about me has changed, but some has. I have learned a lot of things about myself and that has helped me avoid my eating disorder, I think I understand my parents a little better, and know that it is best if I don’t live with them. I have found out what it is like to be unconditionally accepted by adults through my cottage parents. And I am so happy about being with Tara Maclay, the girl I have been thinking about almost daily.”
“Almost daily?” asked Tara, “I thought about you daily. I guess you really don’t like me anymore.” Tara smiled shyly.
“I didn’t want to sound like some stalkerish crazy girl. I thought about you several times a day.”
“Me too. I slept with your sweatshirt in my pillowcase every night. I put it under the mattress every day so Daddy wouldn’t find it and question me. I…I…I brought it in case you wanted to have it back.” She gestured toward her backpack which Willow now realized was pretty full.
“What else is in there?”
Tara opened the pack, pulled out the sweatshirt, and light windbreaker, a book, four granola bars, and a bottle of water. “There is some other little crap, a pen, my wallet, some change. Do you want to see it all?”
“No…I was just curious.” Willow picked up the book. “Oh, I read this, it is good, how do you like it?”
“It’s ok, I haven’t really gotten into it yet.”
There was another awkward silence. Willow looked down at their hands, just one inch of movement and they would be touching. Tara seemed to catch this glance and looked at their hands too. They both looked up and into each other’s eyes, Tara moved her arm and crossed it with her other one. They held the glimpse for a few moments, and then Willow looked away.
she isn’t interested in me that way, she pulled her hand away. Ok, still your friend, you can figure out things to talk about until it is time for her to leave. It seemed like Tara was able to see the doubt and sadness in Willow’s eyes.
“Willow…I’ve changed a lot...a lot of things have happened…a lot of things that I think have changed me away from the girl you met at the Maples. I don’t think I am the same girl that you met and talked about being in a relationship with.”
“You seem the same, same beautiful blue eyes, same beautiful blond hair, same…”
beautiful breasts, soft skin, absolutely smashing body, can’t say those things, think, think… same loving soul?”
“I..I..I don’t feel like the same person, s..s..stuff happened when I was living with my dad. Some awful stuff.”
“Similiar stuff as was going on before you went to the Maples?”
Tara nodded, and tears began to leak from her eyelids. Tara looked up and saw that Willow was also weeping.
“W..w..why are you crying?”
“I don’t know,” said Willow quickly trying to wipe the tears away. “I guess because I can sense the pain coming off you. I was there, I am here now, I am willing for you to tell me whatever you want to tell…But I don’t want you to tell me anything that you don’t want to tell.”
“Willow, you shouldn’t have to deal with this. I am trouble. I come with too much baggage. I…I…I…don’t know if I can be who you need. I don’t know if I can meet your expectations.”
“What?” said Willow incredulously, “ My expectations! Be what I need! All I need is you. I have no expectations. I don’t care what baggage you have, I want to help you carry it. I got an army trunk myself, but I think we can lighten each other’s load.”
“If you knew…”
“There is nothing that you could tell me that would make me feel any different toward you.”
“I doubt that.”
“I know it. Tara, you still are the person that has my heart, you are still the person that brings a sense of calm to me, you still are the person that makes my knees weak whenever I see you. I want to be your friend forever, and if you are willing more than a friend. What do you want?”
There was a long pause, [i] Oh my God, she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, Ok…you planned for this, remain calm…remain calm. You can survive it.[i/]
“I want…I want…” Willow looked at Tara expectantly, “I don’t know what I want…no that is a lie…I do know…but it is so scary…Willow…it’s been really bad…I don’t know if I’m ever going to be whole again…you deserve more…you deserve a girlfriend who is together, and smart, and not damaged. You deserve someone better than me.
“There is no one better than you Tara..”
“You wouldn’t say that if you could really see me.”
“You are perfect. You are Tara. There is nothing that could make me feel like you were less than perfect.”
“You don’t know…” Willow put her hand on Tara’s lip; their faces were about six inches away from each other. Their eyes met again, and it seemed to Willow that both of them were waiting to make the first move. Willow chickened out, and took Tara’s hand.
“Let’s go see some of this scenery. I would love to just sit looking at you all day. I can’t believe you are here, but we gotta at least walk a little to get some food. I don’t think four granola bars are going to keep us satiated.”
“Satiated, I don’t think I’ve been around anyone who has used a ten dollar word since I left you. Daddy and Donny are dolts, and the kids in my program aren’t too bright either.”
“Glad to help.” The two girls went walking hand in hand on the path through the forest that the clerk had said would lead them to the small deli.
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