Reunion
by Tarawhipped
Rated R
Disclaimer: All things Buffy are the sole property of Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy
Summary: 15 years after graduating, Willow and Tara receive invitations to their college reunion. More or less canon up ‘til the beginning of Entropy…that’s right, the beginning, not the end! Oooh…I bet you’re intrigued now, eh?[br][br]
Author’s note: This will be a 3- or 4-parter, which explores what might have happened if Willow and Tara had not gotten back together in Entropy. Both are or have been in other relationships, but rest assured Willow and Tara are the focus, and will end up together (not that anyone doubted me, right?).[br][br][br]
Tara[br][br]
‘I don’t have to go’ was the first thought that entered my mind when I read the invitation, an old familiar knot forming in the pit of my stomach. But even before the words were fully formed I knew it was a lie, as much as it was the last time I’d thought those words, while packing my belongings and listening to the quiet sobs coming from the bathroom. I had to go then, and I have to go now. I just wish that it hadn’t taken my mail so long to find me after my last move. Maybe with a little more time…though that’s just ridiculous.[br]
I know it shouldn’t have been such a shock when I’d flipped though the stack of envelopes and found a letter from the UC Sunnydale Alumni Association inviting me to the Class of ‘03’s 15-year reunion, but it was. Could it really have been that long? Twelve years since I left that place where so much of what made me, well, me happened. More to the point, fifteen years since I’d last seen her.[br][br][br]
[blockquote]Living in the dorms again was a nightmare. There were times when Buffy’s house had seemed loud—Dawn had a very stereotypical way of expressive her teen angst through stomping and door slamming—but it was like a convent compared to the dorms. I’d gone out and bought earplugs after the first night. Still, I adapted. It wasn’t like the first time around, when I hid in my room and avoided people. I wasn’t exactly jumping to attend the weekly keggers in Kevin’s room, but I spent more time studying in the lounge, where I ended up making a few friends.[br]
That’s also where I met Leslie. I’d seen her around previously; even had one or two classes together the year before, but had never spoken to her. We were both taking a feminist lit course, and started hanging out on a regular basis. It took her several weeks to finally admit that she’d been wondering about me and Willow. I was a little thrown by the idea that anyone had taken notice of us, especially to the extent that they would discern that we had dated and subsequently broken up. She made it pretty clear that it wasn’t ‘us’ she had been noticing, however…it was me.[br]
She was witty, self-confident without being obnoxious, and led an utterly average life. After two years of non-stop crises and danger, it felt good to talk about normal things instead of the weekly kill count and impending doom. Still, I probably wouldn’t have agreed to that first date if I hadn’t still been reeling from the sight of Willow with Amy. Even knowing that there was nothing going on with them, I couldn’t help but feel like I was sitting around waiting for Will to figure things out and make up with me, while she was content to party with whoever was available. So Leslie asked, and I said yes.[br]
We both realized pretty quickly that it wouldn’t work. I wasn’t being fair to her, and she knew I wasn’t over Willow when I didn’t invite her to Buffy’s birthday party. Anya and Xander’s non-wedding was enough of a nightmare with Spike flaunting his goth chick…oh, and the demon of course. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if I’d brought a date. The way Willow looked at me that day, I was actually a little afraid of what finding out about Leslie would do to her.[br]
And then, of course, she had found out. It broke my heart seeing her walk down the hallway, knowing she had seen Leslie kiss me, even if it was just on the cheek. I actually called Buffy in a panic. She’d already heard it from Willow, who was depressed but not dangerous. I’m glad I decided to be a grownup and go explain to Willow face-to-face, since I hadn’t picked up any crazy-Slayer vibes during our phone call, but in the aftermath of Buffy trying to kill everyone, Will and I never got a chance to talk.[br]
A few days later, I still hadn’t worked up the nerve to call her when I saw her waiting for me after class. It was so awkward. I made a really lame joke and her laughter was embarrassingly forced. It was almost a relief when Leslie arrived, though the hurt expression on Willow’s face is one I’ll never forget.[br]
I didn’t see her again until the night before graduation. Leslie and I had amicably split up earlier in the year, but were planning to get together for coffee. Buffy had started dating Kevin of the weekly keggers, who was naturally throwing a celebratory bash. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me that Willow might be there, but when I passed Kevin’s room and turned the corner, there she was, staring intently at a door. When I got closer I could see she was looking at the cartoon taped on Chris and Matt’s door.[br]
“Hi stranger.”[br]
She didn’t seem completely aware of my presence, and for a second I wondered if she was drunk, or worse, in a magic-induced haze. I knew she’d stopped for good, but telling myself I could trust her and really feeling it were two very different things. When she did reply, her voice sounded so small and sad and broken, I thought I would cry. When tears started running down her face, I couldn’t help myself…I put my arm around her. Neither of us spoke for a long time. It was so strained, and I hated feeling that way with her. I thought that keeping our distance from each other was for the best, but at that moment I realized I should have made more of an effort to stay friends. Buffy and Dawn had each other to lean on, and Xander and Anya, finally, but Willow was all alone.[br]
I knew I was pushing it, but as I held her hand I put my head on her shoulder. It was a friendship thing, I told myself, but deep down I knew I wanted more…would always want more with her. I could tell I was sending mixed signals, the way she was sighing one minute and flinching the next. I noticed the time on the hall clock, and decided to cancel with Leslie and ask Willow if she wanted to go get coffee and talk. I had no reason to expect her to say yes, and my heart pounded as I spoke.[br]
“I need to—”[br]
“Go. Yeah, me too. I have a party.”[br]
I could have made her listen to me, said ‘no, I don’t need to go anywhere unless it’s with you,’ but I didn’t. She was so matter-of-fact, and for all I knew she was meeting someone at the party…or hoping to. As much as I hated the thought, it occurred to me that I might never see her again. I was staying in Sunnydale to continue my grad studies, but Buffy had already told me Will had been accepted at M.I.T. and was going. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me, would always mean to me, but speaking has never been my forte.[br]
“Will, I—good luck.”[br]
She never even answered, though I backed away slowly, keeping my hand in hers until our arms were outstretched and our fingers slipped apart. If only she’d said something—anything—maybe I would have written, or called. But I’d sent the ball into her court, and she’d let it bounce by her without a swing. It was devastating.[/blockquote][br][br][br]
It still hurt so badly to think of her. Not a week has gone by that I don’t see someone or something, hear a song, or notice a scent—always random, and unexpected—that reminds me of her, and my heart seizes, like a hand reaching into my chest and squeezing. Not a month has gone by that I don’t wonder where she is, if she’s happy. And when I’m in a particularly self-indulgent, melancholy mood, I wonder if she ever thinks of me.[br]
Dawn and Buffy tell me some things. Not specifics. I’m not sure I’d even want to know where she lives. The temptation to contact her would be too great, and if she’s managed to keep her distance all this time, who am I to butt into her life? I’m not sure they’d tell me anything anyway, the last time was such a mistake. And despite their repeated insistences that it was in name only, the fact of the matter is…she’s married. To a man.[br]
That had been a real kick in the head. Not that I expected her to take a vow of celibacy—god knows I haven’t—but it hurt to wonder…was it a phase? Was I just a phase, a college experiment? Buffy once told me she didn’t even think they slept together, and as much as I appreciated the support, Buffy’s never exactly been the brightest bulb when it comes to matters of relationships.[br]
But if I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that I have no right to judge. I’m the one that left. I even accept that it was the right thing to do. It’s like I tell my patients: if you’re in an abusive relationship, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional, get out. Do whatever it takes; get counseling, get a court order, get the police, but get out.[br]
Dawn tells me she’s changed, is better, and has been for years. I already knew that from the last time I’d seen her, but it was too soon to trust her…to trust myself. She’d quit using for good after her accident with Dawn, but at the time I didn’t know how to be certain that she’d really hit bottom. After everything that happened I’d sworn I would never leave myself open to that kind of pain again unless I was sure.[br]
Maybe someday it’ll happen but for now, well, we all have needs. Letting someone into your bed is a lot easier than letting them into your heart. So whomever she sleeps with…a man, a woman, or a dozen of each is no business of mine.[br]
Part of me always thought we’d get back together. The first few years, while I was getting my Master’s and PhD, I had hopes that we would run into each other. One of us would make some bold, romantic move and she and I would be an ‘us’ again. Every holiday and all summer I kept expecting to see her at the Magic Box or Espresso Pump or on the street, but it eventually occurred to me that considering her relationship with her parents, she probably wasn’t coming home for vacations. Buffy finally confirmed that Willow had told her she had no intention of coming back anytime soon.[br]
That was a low point. I missed her friendship as much as anything, and while everyone else tried to be there for me, it wasn’t the same. They had their own lives and dramas to contend with. Once I accepted that she wasn’t coming back to Sunnydale, however, it made it easier for me to finally leave.[br]
And now I’m going back, for the first time in twelve years. I wonder if she’ll be there.[br][br][br]
TBC[br][br]
You can feel the pain in Tara and Will with a man what a kick in the gut. waiting for more so I hope 
(1) Because of your excellent writing, as always - drawing me in all fascinated. And (2) because there's always some person(s) in your past that you can't seem to forget, isn't there(?) 
- where you constantly wonder how that person's life has turned out and such, and that was another reason why this fic caught my attention like it did. 
) are still holding on to an unresolved part of their pasts, and that’s left them each in a holding pattern of sorts. The fact that Tara’s never let herself get into a long-term relationship again was my way of showing how little she has moved on. Thank you, and I hope you continue to read and enjoy.[br]
I’m glad you’re welcoming the angst. It’s definitely a winter thing…I could never write this in the summer.
oh yeah and 
I think she is brave for going... I can see where it would be really hard for her to face Tara - she's worked so hard to avoid it all these years, I wonder why she is ready to go now. If she is finally willing to consider it, then I want to belive that she belives that maybe she has a chance. 
. Hope! It is but a faint light, yet I cling to it.
