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writerfreak- Haha, I don't know how you missed the second update, but all is well now that you have caught up! I'm happy that you are liking the angst in this fic and that you said so!
BigBlueEyes- Haha, I'm happy that you're loving it! Sorry for keeping you waiting! Thanks for the comments
CrazyTaraWitch- Thank you for commenting. And yes, Buffy is being annoying! So yeah, here's another chapter, and I hope you keep on commenting for me!
AlysonGoddess- Thanks for saying so, and I'm glad you're liking it. I shall continue updating! Here's another right now! Enjoy it!
I_love_Danish- Yes, this Buffy is a little different, and I hope you like the direction I'm going with the fic! Thanks for the feedback!
willow_tara_always- Yes, she is a bit different. i had someone in mind when I wrote that part! Anyways, thanks for commenting, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter
kimmy_s- Hey kimmy, thank you for the nice comments on my fic. I appreciate it! Although I'm not happy that you were almost in tears, I am happy that you feel my writing is good enough to nearly have you in tears! That means a lot that you said that! Thanks again for the comments, and I hope this next chapter causing the same reaction. (Not the nearly crying part, the liking of the fic part!)
WillowRulez - haha, I'm happy you're liking the fic, and the B/W parts! She was treating a little bit lke Dawn, wasn't she! i think we all feel bad for Willow! It's not a happy thing! Anyways, thanks for the feedbackl!
db- Hey db! How are you? I think you may be right about Willow! She does need ahug or two! And that's the whole horrible part about falling for your best friend! You can't talk about it with your best friend! It totally sucks! We shall see if Xander comes to the rescue! I can't reveal that to you yet haha!! And it is true, you can't make someone love you! Wouldn't it be so much easier if you could? But I guess that would take the magic out of it! What a crazy thing, love is! So yeah, thanks a lot for the nice, long feedback! That's how I like it! I hope you like the next part of the fic! Keep commenting!
Fleiss- Thanks for saying so!
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Title: The Hardest Part
Author: Katie AKA Luv4WillTara
Spoilers: AU fic..
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Inc. etc.
Setting: Set around the time of season 4!
Summary: Willow tries to cope with her feelings for Tara.
Feedback: YES PLEASE.
Authors notes: This fic is kind of angsty, so if that’s not your cup of tea, I suggest reading something else. Also, this fic is done in first person perspective (Willow’s perspective) so if that’s also not your cup of tea, then this will be quite an unpleasing fic for some of you. But I hope you give it a chance.
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Chapter Four
I stood outside the only gay bar in town and contemplated whether or not to actually go inside. I looked up at the sign reading “The Rainbow Palace” written in the colors of the rainbow, and I shook my head at how unoriginal the name was.
“I shouldn’t be doing this! How can I even think of going in there to meet someone else when my heart belongs to Tara? I’m totally cheapening my love for her!” I turned around and began to walk back to my apartment.
“I mean, what would Tara say if she knew I was out meeting other women?” I stopped at that thought. She wouldn’t care! She’d probably be happy for me! Even after Tara turned me down, I deluded myself into thinking that Tara was mine; she just couldn’t be with me! I stood on the sidewalk about twenty feet from The Rainbow Palace, and realized for the first time that Tara and I would never be together. That I would never know what it felt like to say “I love you Tara” and hear her say it back to me. I suddenly became mad at Tara for not loving me back, for rejecting me with the intent of never being with me. I decided then that maybe ‘crazy Buffy’ was right. I turned around and headed back for The Rainbow Palace, determined to find someone who would be able to actually develop feelings for me.
I opened the door to the gay bar and was surprised to see how empty the place was. The bouncer looked me up and down before grabbing a pink stamp and stamping my hand with it. I looked down to see two interlinking female symbols resting on the pale flesh of my hand. I looked up and smiled at the bouncer, who just continued to stare at me. Feeling a little uneasy, I decided to walk over to the bar to order a drink. I sat down on an unoccupied barstool and looked beside me to see a man wearing a pink sparkly shirt sipping on some sort of dark pink liquid in a martini glass.
“I’ll have whatever he’s having!” I said to the bartender who had just come over to my side of the bar. She looked me up and down, just like the bouncer did, as if trying to guess my age, or possibly my gender.
“You have ID?” The bartender asked as she wiped up a little puddle of spilled liquid. I got up off the stool, pulled my wallet out of my back pocket, and gave her my driver’s license. She studied the card for a couple seconds before handing it back and turning to fix my drink. I put my wallet back into my back pocket, and turned to watch the people on the dance floor. After hearing a small clinking sound in front of me, I turned to see the bartender putting my drink on the bar. I paid her before turning again to watch the various people dancing, taking occasional sips of my drink, which I thought pretty good. I had never really enjoyed the taste of alcohol, so I always became a little excited when I found an alcoholic beverage that I liked. I twisted back to face the bar and watched as the bartender refilled the man in the pink shirt’s drink.
After ten minutes of gazing at the alcohol bottles in front of me, scowling as the cat on the Sour Puss bottle gave me a strange look (I believed it was telling me that I shouldn’t have been there), I decided that once I finished my second drink, I would leave The Rainbow Palace.
“Can I buy you a drink?” I heard a female voice say behind me. I turned around to see a girl with pink hair standing expectantly, and I realized that it was the girl from the coffee shop.
“I uh, already have this pink stuff!” I replied, truly taken aback that someone was actually hitting on me.
“How about a dance then?” The pink-haired lady asked, obviously not giving up. This made me feel a little worried and a little flattered at the same time! I didn’t think I was ready to do anything with someone who wasn’t Tara, but it made me feel good that she was asking. It was a change!
“I can’t really dance,” I replied, not sure whether I was trying to save myself the embarrassment or if I was trying to turn her down! She looked me over and smirked.
“Are you trying to turn me down, or are you doing the hard to get thing?” I decided that I kind of liked this woman. I wasn’t ready for anything romantic, but I could definitely see her becoming a friend. It would be good for me to get a couple of gay friends. It was always hard being the only gay one in the group.
“I just can’t dance! I’d probably step all over your feet, and make a fool of myself and stuff. I was trying to save you some feet pain,” I replied.
“Well, I think that this could be a good learning experience for you then! What do you say?” She held out her hand, and I wasn’t sure whether to take it or not. I felt like I would be betraying Tara, and I didn’t know if I would be able to do that. I reminded myself that Tara didn’t care about me, and that I shouldn’t give up a good opportunity with someone new for someone who didn’t want to be with me!
“I uh… ok!” I said while taking her hand. She led me over to the dance floor and we began to dance to a slow song. It felt awkward. She was a very good dancer, and she guided me with ease, but it just didn’t feel right to me. It wasn’t Tara!
“So, did you like the coffee?” I asked her, referring to our meeting at the coffee shop earlier that day.
“The coffee? Oh, from earlier! Yeah, it was very… coffee-like. You?” She responded. I felt stupid for bringing up coffee while dancing. I had been feeling stupid a lot lately.
“Yeah. Well no, I threw it out before I got to drink it! Er, by accident!” I didn’t feel like explaining why I threw it out!
“Oh! That sucks. Hey, I’m Kaitlan by the way! We didn’t really get a chance to actually introduce ourselves! But yeah, that’s me,” she said to me, and I instantly felt stupid for not introducing myself to the girl I had been dancing with.
“I’m Willow,” I replied. Kaitlan smiled before taking her hand off my shoulder and holding it out in between our bodies for me to shake.
“It’s good to officially meet you Willow,” she said before I grabbed her hand and shook it. I let go of her hand and we went back to dancing. It still didn’t feel right to me. She was good, and I was really starting to like her personality, but it wasn’t like dancing with Tara. I had only slow danced with Tara twice in my life; once when we were drunk and joking around, and the other time when we were only a little drunk and dancing together after the “Happy New Year” cheers on January first of last year.
It had been the most amazing night of my life. We were all at Xander and Anya’s place to watch the ball drop on TV. We were all drinking margaritas, except for Xander who was drinking beer, claiming that margaritas were girly drinks and they would affect his ‘macho-like’ status. Buffy had brought her boyfriend at the time, Riley Finn, whom she spent most of the night ‘kanoodaling’ with, and I brought Tara, who was still fairly new to the group. Tara and I had been on our third margarita, and were starting to feel the effects of the alcohol when we all began the New Year’s countdown. After the ball dropped, and we all celebrated the arrival of the new year, Xander turned on his stereo and we all began dancing to it. After the first song ended, a slow song came on, and all the couples began slow dancing. Tara and I sat on the couch feeling left out, and I, feeling a little giddy from three margaritas and a night full of Tara, decided to jokingly ask Tara to dance. Tara jokingly accepted, and we got up and started dancing, trying our best not to giggle and ruin the romantic moment for everyone else. Tara wasn’t a very good dancer, and I was no John Travolta myself, so we spent most of the dance stepping on each other’s feet, almost tripping, and laughing a little too loud for everyone else’s approval.
That moment was so perfect for me because it felt so real. This woman who was absolutely perfect in my eyes, had absolutely no dancing skills. It wasn’t Hollywood-like with my perfect woman being able to dance magnificently; twirling and spinning me with ease, making me gasp as she threw me up into the air, and caught me in her arms. It wasn’t fake. She had a flaw, and it was the best flaw ever fore it turned a potentially dull and awkward moment into a wonderful, giggle-filled event. She wasn’t perfect, yet for some reason that made her seem more perfect to me! And when the dance ended, I sat back down on the couch, watching Tara try to dance, and it occurred to me that I was in love with her! At that moment, I felt like I needed to be closer to her, so I jumped up off the couch and hugged her, and when she hugged me back, my heart skipped a beat or two. I overheard Riley ask Buffy if Tara and I were dating, and it made me even giddier. We could be seen as a couple! It was perfect.
“Ouch,” I heard someone say, the noise scaring me a little which brought me back to reality. After a moment I realized the sound had come from Kaitlan, and that my lack of concentration had caused me to step on her foot.
“Oh, I’m sorry! I told you I wasn’t a very good dancer,” I apologized. I felt totally embarrassed and decided to lower my head and cause my hair to cover my face. The action reminded me too much of Tara, and I quickly lifted my head, causing it to collide with Kaitlan’s chin.
“Oh my god. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to do that!” I started searching her chin for cuts and bruises when I heard her laughing.
“Hey man, no worries. It didn’t really hurt!” I felt a little better, but still a little embarrassed over my clumsiness. The song ended, and we let go of each other. I half expected her to run for the door, but she didn’t move.
“So, do you want to go get some coffee or something?” The mention of coffee after my daydream caused a feeling of emptiness to crawl inside my belly. How was I supposed to forget Tara when even the girl who I wanted to take my mind of Tara reminded me of her? I desperately wanted someone to talk to who wouldn’t force me to hook up with someone else, but Xander wouldn’t be back from his business trip for another couple of days.
“Actually, it’s getting kind of late. I think I’m going to head home,” I said to her apologetically. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but it was just too confusing to try and fill the Tara void!
“Hey, don’t worry! But we should do this again sometime!” I nodded and smiled before saying goodbye to her. I turned around and headed out the door of The Rainbow Palace when a hand on my shoulder stopped me. I turned around and saw a flash of pink, before realizing that I was staring at Kaitlan’s hair. She pushed a piece of paper into my hands.
“Just in case you want to get that cup of coffee,” and with that, she turned around and left. I looked down at the piece of paper in my hand, and unfolded it to find Kaitlan’s phone number written on the dented, white paper. I smiled at the paper in my hand. It felt good to not be rejected. With that thought, I turned around and headed back to Buffy’s house as I promised I would do.
[/b]
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So my friend tells me that because I'm gay, I am going to hell! So I figure if everyone who's gay goes to hell, hell is just one big gay bar!
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!!!
The bit with Xander was the my personal fav 
You know how much I love it. And yet I must be made to go 
. Why? Why? WHHHHHHHYYYYYY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? Everyday I check and when I dont see it Im like hey? 
? I 
and then I get so uoset that Im so upset I 
. Until I think of how good it is and how Im missing it so I 
. And let me tell you, I am walking the streets of New York a mess. But hey its okay that your making one of your favorite fans 
dont try to calm me down after you read this reply eother coz no matter what say I will be 
your going to try to sweet talk me arent you? I havent had 
in I dont know how long. 
what am I going to do with you? 
Im all full of so many emptions where this fic summercamp is concerned. So what are you going to do to help me not lose anymore of my sanity? Do not make me have to 
ohmygod...you plan on making me suffer forever arent you? you have no plans on updating summercamp anytime soon do you? 
to your amazing writing skills. as always i will be waiting for the next update.
