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[center]See Chapter One for disclaimers.[/center]
Chapter Five - Shaky
Tara turned towards Willow. “I-I mean, t-that's totally cool. It-it's good. It-it's better.”
Willow reached out to her, placing a hand gently on her leg to reassure her, then drew back. “Tara, it's not like I don't want my friends to know you. It's just... well, Buffy's like my best friend, and she's really special. And there's this whole bunch of us, and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying, and-and I, I really want you to meet them. But I kind of like having something that's just, you know, mine. And I, I usually don't use so many words to say stuff that little, but do you get that at all?”
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Willow swallowed down the sick feeling in the back of her throat and scrambled out of the sink. The faucet lodged in her spine helped to motivate her. It left her with a terrible pain in the middle of her back that sent sharp spasms shooting through her body. She blinked owlishly at the stall door then shook her head.
Snap out of it Rosenberg! Tara’s vomiting because she is pregnant. And, big AND, you got her pregnant. Help her. “Tara?”
Tara sat back leaning sideways against the bathroom stall. She wiped her mouth with a hand once more, then pulled a length of toilet paper from the dispenser. After folding it up carefully she dabbed her forehead, then wiped her chin before throwing it into the toilet. She reached over and flushed.
This isn’t how I pictured dinner going. “Willow, I’m ok. Coffee… the smell t-triggered my morning sickness.”
Ok that would be a ‘no’ to inviting her out for coffee. Willow stepped forward on wobbly legs.
You said you wanted to help, so? “What can I do, do you need some help?”
“I could use some cold water.” Tara closed the toilet seat and she slowly stood up. Her legs felt rubbery; her stomach acidic, her entire head was flushed from the strain, and her throat raw. She sat down on the closed toilet and covered her face with both her hands.
This is going all wrong. She couldn’t help herself; she went into a hormonal tailspin and started to cry.
“I’ll be right back.” Willow ran out of the bathroom, Tara’s sniffling echoing in her ears.
Oh no, she’s crying. She quickly entered Tara’s room and picked up the water bottle. Then she went to the small dorm fridge and pulled out an ice tray. With a quick ‘snap’ she dislodged a handful of ice cubes. She grabbed a plastic tumbler and dropped the ice in then filled it with the water. Once the glass was full she started back towards the door, but turned back around quickly.
Hand towel. Where? There. Seeing what she wanted, she rushed over to the desk to pull the towel off the chair. She reached over grabbed what she needed, then headed back to the bathroom. Before she entered she inhaled deeply and exhaled quickly, steadied herself, then walked in.
Tara pulled her hands away from her face when she heard Willow enter the bathroom.
Ok, get it together Tara. She tore off another length of toilet paper and dried her eyes then blew her nose.
“Tara. I brought you some ice water and a towel.” Willow stood near the bathroom stall door, shifting from foot to foot anxiously.
“OK.” Tara moved to the edge of the toilet seat then stood up wearily. She let go a long breath, then pulled open the stall door.
“Here.” Willow smiled just a little while her brow remained furrowed. She held out the water and towel, taking in Tara’s shaken state. Her face was pale, wisps of hair stuck to her face or were arranged in odd angles, and she was trembling.
Oh, Tara… this isn’t good. Pregnant doesn’t look like a whole lot of fun. She wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her it was ok, but couldn’t.
Tara reached for the water with two quivering hands.
This is all your fault Rosenberg. Willow threw the towel over her shoulder. Then without a second thought she reached out, wrapping both hands around Tara’s to help keep her steady.
Tara shook some more when she felt Willow’s hands around hers. It was a little startling; Willow seemed so inclined to keep a distance between them. After everything that was said Tara didn’t want to encroach on her space. She blinked once at Willow then tilted her head back and took a much-needed drink. The cool water was a welcome relief on her stressed throat and queasy stomach. She pulled back. “Thanks.”
“I’ll take this.” Willow took the water in one hand and handed Tara the towel with the other. “Here.” She had to keep reminding herself.
Try not to panic, just help Tara right now.
Tara eyed up Willow curiously as she took the towel.
She seems calm… considering… so far. She headed for the sink, catching sight of herself in the mirror.
Great, don’t I look good? Not that that would matter. Her eyes fluttered over to momentarily gaze at Willow in the mirror as she rinsed out her mouth. Then she went about splashing her face with cold water.
What am I going to do? What is Tara going to do? Willow started walking the bathroom floor behind Tara.
Tara rinsed her mouth out two more times. She shook her hands out, then took the towel and gently blotted her face. She watched Willow’s reflection in the mirror, pacing restlessly.
Willow’s mind was wrestling with the last of her denial. All the data finally added up: the spell’s confirmation, the pregnancy tests, and now symptoms. Hard proof and real evidence. She had been in denial; a Willow-world of denial. It was easier, especially since they had never really spoken about it. And, the more time passed the less real it seemed. But, this was real, very real. Willow stopped dead in her tracks and turned towards Tara. “Oh god. Tara you really are pregnant.”
Tara swiveled around in disbelief.
All this time… and she didn’t believe me? “I know,” she replied dryly, and then she shook her head and hastily left the bathroom.
Good going Ms. Insensitive. Willow mentally slapped herself. “Tara, wait.”
Quickly reaching her room Tara put a hand on her door. Just as she was about to close it, she felt a pressure on the other side.
“Tara, I didn’t mean it that way.” Willow pushed slightly against the door and scooted in.
Letting out a sigh, Tara abandoned her place and walked to the futon. She crumpled into the folded bed. Willow’s remark in the bathroom wasn’t really callous, if anything, it was full of unwilling recognition.
Willow shut the door behind her and nervously surveyed the room. She picked up the dishes and put them on Tara’s desk. She’s really pregnant, now what?
Tara, what are you… or, we going to do?
Tara had delayed talking to Willow for too long. Willow had not pushed her and they were on pretty good terms, until the bathroom incident. Both of them had politely steered clear of the pregnancy topic during dinner, just trying to regain a basic footing in their friendship. But, they wouldn’t be able to ignore the topic for long. There was a definite sensation emanating from her belly. And it was important that they talk before she entered her second trimester.
I can’t stall anymore.
God, oh god…. Willow looked anxiously at Tara’s collapsed form and continued clearing away all traces of dinner. Everything had to go; take out boxes, napkins, paper bag, utensils, anything associated with dinner. Her own stomach was feeling suspiciously seasick and she didn’t think she could ever eat Thai food again.
Tara pushed herself up and scooted back. She was leaning against the cushions of her folded bed, watching Willow flitting about her room nervously cleaning up. “Willow why don’t we just s-sit down and t-talk?” She was still apprehensive, but Willow was here now and she seemed genuinely concerned.
“OK.” Willow flashed a sheepish smile and sat next to Tara.
Don’t blow it; apologize first. And relax and try to calm down! Pausing only briefly, she bit her lip and slowly walked over, then sat down as asked. But she couldn’t hold back despite her intentions to stay composed. “OK, I want to apologize, a real apology. Tara I’m sorry… about everything… the things I said… and then the Espresso Pump and Buffy, who doesn’t know anything. And I can’t even say how bad I feel.” She cringed remembering how terribly she acted. Then she took a breath. “I mean, there I was all talking big about some dummy-guy running out on you… and I was the dummy. Me. Except girl, not guy. But still a big dummy, colossal big dummy. I ran off, I needed to think… a lot. And, I had to check the spell. But, I was a real jerk, doubting you and saying those things and then avoiding you and then, well, denial … and I’m so sorry. It was just a shock, you know, all at once. So again, really, really sorry.”
Tara nodded, relieved that Willow finally seemed to believe her. “I could hardly believe it myself to be honest. You know, the nine tests.”
Willow’s brow knitted.
Right, duh… nine tests.
They sat momentarily in stilted silence, the tense situation getting the better of them.
“Tara?” There was the elephant in the room to talk about, but it felt easier to start with something less intimidating. Willow waded forward carefully. It stung her a bit that Tara hadn’t confided in her. “Why… why didn’t you tell me? You know, that you’re gay?”
There were a lot of reasons. Tara looked at Willow, wondering how to explain exactly. “I guess… y-you always seemed to have something going on, more important. There never seemed to be a right time. I-It’s not something you just a-announce, you know?” She stopped to make sure Willow understood. “I don’t make it a habit of introducing myself as ‘Hi, I’m Tara, I’m gay’.”
“Yeah, I guess that would be kind of silly. ‘Nice to meet you, I’m Willow Rosenberg and I’m strai-….” She tilted her head.
Yeah, there’s definitely something kinda weird about saying that out loud.
Tara surveyed Willow confusedly.
What did Willow just say? Did she just hesitate? Doesn’t mean anything anyway. She shook her head slightly.
“Willow, I want you to know I’m not closeted. I… I hope you don’t think I deceived you.” Tara spoke softly as her eyes fluttered towards the floor. “It’s just, sometimes people can be less than accepting. Sometimes people judge you on preconceived ideas and not who you really are.”
And maybe I thought you were the same? “I’m just me… and I just happen to like girls.”
Willow watched Tara draw back into herself. There were volumes in Tara’s body language that she was just beginning to really understand how to read. She grimaced, remembering how badly she herself had reacted. “Well, people can be stupid, and people can change.” She chanced a small grin to convey her message.
Tara’s eyes flew upward and she noted Willow’s soft reassuring smile.
Another awkward silence invaded the room.
“So….” Willow waited a beat before continuing. “…um, what… what do you want to do?”
Tara took a deep breath.
Uh oh, here goes nothing. “I want to keep the baby.”
Pregnant was one thing. A baby was a whole other thing, a whole big honking other thing.
A BABY! Yes, because the end result of pregnancy equals baby. Dummy. Calm; just stay calm. The possibility of a magickal pregnancy was hard enough for her brain to process; she hadn’t even progressed to the final outcome. Willow furrowed her brow and swallowed hard. “But… I mean are you sure? Have you really thought this over?”
“Yes I have.”
“How about your… um, options?” Willow asked cautiously.
“Options?”
What does she mean? Tara cast a suspicious glance at Willow.
“Well… I… because you’re so young and what about college and….” Willow’s mind was racing and she was doing her best to keep her thoughts organized
. There’s got to be a way to fix this, right? Wouldn’t that be better?
“My options are to give birth or not.” Tara’s glance began to harden.
“But isn’t there another way? I mean, can’t we fix this?” Willow looked up hopefully at Tara.
“Fix this?” Tara’s demeanor abruptly turned cold. “Are you asking me to get an abortion?”
“Well, no, not exactly.”
Abortion? No, no…. Willow continued on delicately. She could feel the thin ice she was walking on just starting to crack under Tara’s scrutiny. Under that ice lay a bed of lava. “A spell maybe?”
Tara cast an incredulous accusing glare at Willow. She stiffened and became heated. “W-what? Please tell me you’re joking?”
Willow was walking on hot coals.
Danger, angry Tara. “No, I just… I mean, if a spell got us into this mess, couldn’t one get us out?”
“No! That’s exactly why we can’t do another spell! Anything could happen.” I can’t believe she suggested that. Tara folded her arms across her chest.
“I’m just trying to help.”
Bad suggestion; very bad. What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking at all. Not clearly anyway. Willow stared out at nothing, but her attention was immediately drawn back to an incredibly displeased Tara.
“If you want to help then just be supportive…and, if you can’t be, then… just stay away.” Even as she said it, Tara turned away from Willow.
Do I really want her around me…and more importantly, the baby?
Supportive? What, how? I’m just old enough to legally vote! Oh god, a baby. “‘Away?’ No, I’m the reason this happened. It’s all my fault.”
Tara softened slightly, willing herself to remain calm. This was no time to break down and start another fight. “I don’t think it’s all your fault.” Didn’t she have an inkling before the spell? The words of the spell didn’t quite sit right with her. They set off a warning in the back of her mind. She didn’t listen.
“Oh, let’s see, I was the one who suggested the Inanna spell in the first place. And, I was the one that didn’t look at the text carefully. I didn’t know it was also a fertility spell. I just saw the words and interpreted it my way. ‘Oh hey, that’ll get me over Oz! Wish those feelings right away.’ La, la, la!” Willow voiced, in a self-incriminating manner.
“And are you?”
“What?” Willow looked at Tara questioningly.
“Over Oz?”
“I… don’t know? It’s not like I’ve really thought about him… you know stuff happening here.” Willow waved her hand between them in a back and forth manner.
“Then I guess the spell kind of did what you wanted. You’re not thinking about him anymore.” Tara shook her head, remembering every line of the chant.
But there’s more to it than that, right?
“Yeah, I guess… but this isn’t exactly what I ‘wished’ for.” Willow mumbled the damning word.
Ha, never again! ‘Wishes’ should come with disclaimers, like surgeon general warnings. ‘Warning: this wish greatly increases the likelihood of messing up your life. Anything with the word wish in it contains hidden meanings. Wisher beware, use at your own discretion.’ No wishes… and no spells to fix this.
It was a fertility spell with the word ‘wish’ in it! Tara shook her head. It made her wonder, had she herself inadvertently ‘wished’ for something during the Inanna ritual? Really at this point, it didn’t matter. Did it? Tara looked curiously at Willow. “What did you wish for?”
Willow wrinkled her brow in confusion. “I didn’t really
wish wish. I thought….”
“OK, what were you thinking during the spell?”
“I wanted to get over Oz; stop my obsessing. I wanted someone to love me… unconditionally; someone… of my own.” The last of Willow’s words fell softly from her lips in a whisper. Her eyes flew up to Tara’s, looking for understanding. Then she widened them and looked at her again, tilting her head.
But isn’t… isn’t that what I said to Tara? After the Inanna spell… during the Buffy-Faith switch. ‘But I kind of like having something that's just, you know, mine.’
Tara couldn’t meet Willow’s eyes, and her gaze fell downward. She didn’t really ‘wish’ either; her thoughts at the time were focused solely on Willow. “I-I wanted the same t-thing too.” It was almost a confession. “I guess a baby does fill that requirement; unconditional love.” She said in a hopeful tone, as she wrapped her arms around her belly. In her case it was already true. She loved the baby. Circumstances weren’t perfect, but she knew how she felt.
Tara wanted someone too? She said she was ‘yours’…. Did she mean something else? “I guess.” Willow replied distractedly as her mind raced forward. She tried to imagine her life with a baby in it. A bundle in her hands instead of a stake as she ran away from vampires, a child clinging to her instead of a backpack as she went to class. It was a formula she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around.
Tara took a deep breath.
It’s obvious she isn’t ready for any of this and what did I really expect? We’re friends - that’s all. “Willow, I don’t expect anything from you. If you don’t want to have anything more to do with me, or the baby….” She felt dejected as she said it, but held it in. She wanted to make this easier for Willow to walk away if she wanted to.
“What? No! Of course I want to…. I was just thinking about things.” Willow gave her a firm look.
I can’t just let her do this alone. I want to help. I can’t just leave all this in her lap… er, belly. She stared at Tara, cradling her stomach.
“I just thought maybe you didn’t….” Tara didn’t have a chance to finish.
“Well then you need to stop thinking… that way.”
“Thanks.” Tara reached out, tentatively placing a hand on Willow’s leg.
Willow jerked from the touch.
“S-sorry.” Tara quickly pulled away and drew back.
Willow initiated contact earlier? I thought that was a sign this whole imposed no-contact sanction was over? Is she still uncomfortable around me?
Idiot! It’s not like you weren’t kind of touchy-feely friends before. Now you’re acting like she has the plague. She’s still the same person, you’re friend. The reaction was more because of her thoughts about the spell, her ‘wish-thought’ of someone of her own. She couldn’t even begin to explain it to Tara. “I guess I’m still in a little shock… about the pregnancy. You know? I’ll stop acting like a spaz, promise.” Willow took Tara’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze for reassurance.
Tara simply nodded, giving Willow a little smile, but withdrew her hand.
OK she wants to help and still be my friend, so I can’t mess this up. I have to respect her boundaries. Willow let Tara’s hand slip out of her own without protest. She wanted to hold on to it tightly, but she was unsure of so many things. Herself, Tara, and a baby - it was an equation that was far too complex to figure out right now.
Tara suddenly felt exhausted, shaken to the core both physically and emotionally. She rested her head against a pillow.
Willow spoke softly. “And… what about your family? I mean, I know you’re mom, well… you know, but what about the rest of your family? Couldn’t they…?”
Tara lifted her head off the pillow and shook her head.
“Oh, I…. Willow peered at her curiously.
I know her mom passed away, but she’s not on good terms with the rest of her family? What else don’t I know about her? Willow chastised herself.
How self-centered am I, never really taking the time to find out more about Tara? It was a terrible truth; she knew lots of little things about her. Foods she liked, colors, classes, and magick. She always assumed Tara was just incredibly shy.
The mention of her mother reminded Tara of the one person she knew loved her unconditionally.
Mama, I guess we never got around to the possibility of magickal pregnancies. It would’ve been nice if you could’ve met your grandchild. A ghostly smile graced Tara’s face as she ran her hand over her belly. She drew a deep breath and closed her eyes, sniffling.
Oh she’s crying again. “Tara? Are… are you ok?” Willow nervously edged closer to Tara’s reclining figure.
“I’m s-sorry Willow, it’s not you. I’m just tired, it’s been r-rough… lately. And my h-hormones are out of c-control.” Tara chuckled and then opened her eyes.
Tara’s laugh…. Willow smiled a little.
Pregnant, yeah rough! God, I bet. Help her doofus. “No, I understand. It’s getting kind of late and all… maybe you should just sleep. Here.”
Willow stood up and held out her hands. Tara looked at her questioningly, but was too tired to do anything but obey. She took hold of Willow’s proffered hands. It suddenly felt like their strained friendship had taken a small step forward.
Willow hoisted her up, then walked her a short distance. “Sit. Relax. I’ll get your bed already. Ok?” She patted Tara’s comfy chair and sat her in it.
Tara nodded, and then leaned back gratefully, watching Willow removing the decorative pillows from the bed. She pursed her lips and chastised herself.
Now she’s being sweet and this is going to be... complicated. There’s so much more to deal with.
“Ok you….” Willow narrowed her eyes. “…You may just need to lay flat from now on.” She grabbed hold of the wooden frame and pulled the futon out. “Flat now.” That pain in her back flared again.
Stupid faucet. When she had it all down she smoothed out the blankets. She fluffed one of the bed pillows and then the other.
Haven’t slept here for a while, have I pillow? Part of her wanted to stay the night. She glanced over at Tara.
“Willow, thanks.” Tara sat up and pushed herself off the chair. “I’m s-sorr….” She didn’t get a chance to finish.
“No Tara, don’t apologize.” Willow shook her head. “Just get some rest, ok?”
“Are you going to be ok, getting home alone?” Tara glanced out her window. It was night after all.
“Oh me… I’ll be fine. Straight home, well-lit paths. Scooby trained and certified, stake and holy water equipped.” Willow bent down to retrieve her jacket. She slid it on as she walked towards the door. When she reached the doorway she swiveled around to address Tara.
Don’t be pushy. “But, maybe we can see each other again… sooner?”
Tara followed after her. “Sooner?” She tilted her head at Willow and raised a brow at her.
She’s trying right? And very eager.
Willow walked out into the hallway. “Like tomorrow? Er, maybe I can check in on you, tomorrow.”
What happened to not pushy?
A few cute notes, one dinner together, and a single conversation doesn’t automatically make things better. Tara leaned heavily against the edge of the open door. “Maybe, tomorrow.”
Willow tried not to show her disappointment and gave Tara a tiny wave. “Ok, tomorrow, maybe. Nite Tara.”
“Um, call me so I know you got home safely.”
Willow can be so cute and all she’s doing is waving at you. Tara shook her head. “Goodnight Willow.”
“Ok. Bye.” Willow waited until the door was shut. Her face became grave as she walked down the corridor then descended the stairs. Again her mind distractedly counted the steps, 48 back to 1. With every step she tried to grasp what exactly just transpired.
My fault.
Theory was fine and that’s all it had seemed to be.
Tara pregnant.
But the reality of it was a different story, a whole different story!
Having… keeping baby.
By the time she reached the bottom floor she was completely turned inside out.
Got to help.
Overwhelmed, conflicted as well as confused.
A BABY?
She let out a huge breath.
Ok, a baby.
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My sainted beta starcomed, you're the best. Thanks for looking out for me.